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A/N: just wanted to thank all the reviews. :) and this chapter is dedicated to sexysuitcase, my beta reader (you're the best Sam!) August 23rd, my flat, sitting on the kitchen table, 11:39 pm

Daily report:

Current Mood: Angry (I seem to be a lot like that lately)

Number of times I thought of sending Sirius a howler: 7

Number of times I thought of sending Sirius a love letter from Arabella Figg:12

Number of times I thought of sending Sirius a love letter from Snape: 1 (that one made me sick…)

I’ve been avoiding going to Grimmauld Place… I wouldn’t bear to see the look on Remus’ face now he knows everything… I still can’t believe he said that about me… We were actually starting to be good friends! Well, we were if we forget about that little part about me breaking his mug a dozen times… and the part where I started a secret organization to plot against him… and the number of times I called him a bloody git… there was something, you can’t deny that! Definitely something going on…No, not that!! I wasn’t even thinking about his butt… or touching it! With anything! If you think I think about Remus that way you are a very disturbed person… Diary… Notebook.

I’m talking with a book! Well it could be worse, I guess. One can’t be around Mad-Eye Moody without having some drawback.

Well that friendship sunk completely the minute he said I scared a Dementor. Hermione doesn’t believe he said that. She says it’s very un – Remus – ish like, or something like that. Maybe she’s right and I didn’t hear it correctly, I mean Buckbeack was roaring like a maniac. Ginny says it’s actually a compliment, since I’m an Auror and it’s actually my job to scare Dementors and stuff like that… but I think she’s just being too optimistic on this one.

They both are, now that I come to think of it. You won’t believe the things those two came up to finish that sentence from Sirius that I couldn’t hear properly. They probably tried every word starting with an S… Although there’s one little word that keeps popping in my mind… Completed by Remus last remark "I’ll put that in consideration."…

Ok, forget about what I said… I mean wrote…

Yeah, forget about what I just wrote.

Anyway, they’re starting to notice my absence from Grimmauld Place… Molly already invited me to lunch/dinner a gazillion times. I was able to come up with some excuses but my stock is running out. And like that wasn’t enough I received a letter from Sirius today.

Hey Tonks

I haven’t seen you around here lately. Molly says you’re busy with Order business and your work. But you don’t fool me Tonks… Come on, you can come back and I promise I’ll keep my mouth shut… Marauders word! I was just trying to have a little fun; I didn’t think you would be that upset. I solemnly swear, no more jokes about your crush on sexy werewolves.

Love from your dear cousin (Who you will forgive for being such a git… hopefully…)


Crush? What crush? I don’t have a crush; do you think I have a crush? I think I would notice if I had a crush for someone, especially if that someone was a certain Remus Lupin…

I just realised I wrote the word crush five times. For someone who doesn’t have a crush I really use the word a lot… Ok, now it’s seven times. I have to stop doing that.

Back to Sirius’ letter, who does he think he’s fooling? Trying to sound like he hasn’t told Remus about my diary and… I mean, my notebook and what he read.


*sigh* I’m glad I took that out of my chest.

Talking about something else, you know that guy from the Magical Law Enforcement Squad I used to fancy? Timothy Duston? Well, he told Dante Simmons, who told Belinda Arrowsmith, who told Penelope Clearwater who told me that he thinks I’m cute. See? Now that’s a compliment! That’s what a girl likes to hear, that she’s cute, not that she can scare a FREAKING DEMENTOR!

They’re like the bane of all happiness… and why do I care about what he thinks? He’s just a sad little man who can’t see what is right in front of him!

Do you think I have anger issues? Dawlish thinks so… Oh well, I never really cared about what Dawlish thinks…

Although, now that I come to think about it, every time I start to raise my voice everyone does seem to be in a hurry to leave the room…

August 29th, my Auror office, 03:23 pm

Daily report:

Current Mood: Disturbed… I think I’m being stalked

Number of times Timothy Duston passed by my door and smiled at me: I stopped counting after the 10th time

Number of times I tried to come up with a substitute to the word crush, so I don’t have to use it ever again: 32 (with no results I might add)

Ok, this is getting really REALLY WEIRD! That guy is probably mental. I mean he said hello to me at least five times today… if it was a few months ago I would be doing a little victory dance around my office… Thank Merlin I got over that small Worship-the-Adonis-Wizard-Thing I used to have about him. I can’t believe I used to pretend to go to the bathroom just to check on him…

Other than that my day is going pretty good. No strange incidents so far; which is disturbing all by itself.

05:21 pm

I received a letter.

A very disturbing letter.

A very disturbing letter from a very disturbing person.

(Yeah, I noticed I passed from a using-the-word-crush-phase to a using-the-word-disturbing-phase)

Dear Tonks

How are you doing? I haven’t heard about you lately. But I guess you’re probably busy at the Ministry, right? Well, as you should know, we have to take Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys to King’s Cross in three days. I’m going to escort them there along with Arthur and Molly, and I thought maybe you could come too and help… Let me know if that’s alright with you…

Try to drop by some time… we all miss you… yes, me too.

Yours truly

R. J. Lupin

Tell me that isn’t disturbing!

First he said all those things to Sirius about me and now he’s starting to be nice to me again! I really don’t understand men… He goes warm and fuzzy with me (fuzzy may not be a good word to describe it, and warm… well, you know what I meant.). Then he goes Dementor cold! Warm, cold, warm, cold,… if men are puzzling then Remus John Lupin is the puzzle of all puzzles.

Oh, well, I really should answer him. And yes, I will help him with the kids. It’s my duty as an Order member after all. What should I answer? Just pretend nothing happened. Poised and sophisticated Tonks as always.

Hey Remus!

See you in Grimmauld Place, September 1st, at 10:00 am.

No, this won’t do… it’s too straightforward.

Dear Remus

I can’t believe I just wrote that… let’s try something else.

Wotcher Remus!

I’m doing fine, despite all the Order duty and Ministry business. Of course I’ll help to take the kids to King’s Cross; I can call the day off here at the Ministry.

Your's sincerely

N. Tonks

There, perfect! He’ll see I don’t care about him knowing about TLSW. He’ll see I don’t give a damn about it, not even a little! It’ll be a chance to really show him the newly-mature-gorgeous-desirable-and-improved-Tonks. (Mental note: I think I’ll borrow Moody’s invisibility cloak. Just in case…)

For the kids, it’s all for the kids! It’s not like I’ll run away if Remus starts looking at me funny or anything… Do I have to remind you that I’m an Auror? Aurors just don’t run away from anyone…even if they feel that their face is on fire and can’t meet the eyes of a certain werewolf… .... just got lost into space there, sorry.

But really, it’s for the kids!

September 1st, my flat, bathroom, 07:09 pm

Daily Report:

Current mood: I’m on cloud nine… well maybe not nine, but definitely cloud 4 and 3/4

Number of times I thought of going back to Grimmauld Place: 14

Number of times I tried to figure out if Sirius really told Remus about TLSW: 342

I really have lots to tell you about today! You have no idea just how much, I don’t remember the last time I had a day like today and… oh well I guess I should start telling right?

It all started in Grimmauld Place…

I arrived at 10:00 pm sharp (Yeah, no joke, I actually got there on time!). Molly was stressing over everyone’s trunks, checking for clean socks and enough spare quills. Arthur and Remus were being oblivious to everything (but not oblivious enough to greet me in a very nice and charming way… ). The minute Sirius saw me he pushed me in a corner saying he had important issues to discuss with me. Turns out he wanted me to take him for a walk (not him, Snuffles actually) after taking the kids to King’s Cross (making a not so subtle remark about my promise… yeah the one I wrote in you… the one he read without my consent...) I told him to sod off but he made that lost puppy face and started rambling about how no one understands what he’s going through, that he’s served his time already, that he can’t take looking to the same walls all day, and no one gives a damn about him… I just couldn’t say no to him… who could? If I had known Sirius had already discussed it with Remus and he was going along I would have probably said no…I’m glad I didn’t… it actually turned out to be very enjoyable and pleasant.

I mean the walk was pleasant, not Remus.

Not that he isn’t pleasant, he is, but that’s not what I meant, and I’m just going to shut up now before I make myself more pathetic.

After leaving King’s Cross, Arthur and Molly went back to The Burrow and we went to this nice park. Sirius, or should I say Snuffles started immediately to play with a bunch of kids that were there. Remus and I sat on a wooden bench nearby and gazed at the scene. It was a really nice park; I should go back some day. Lots of trees and stuff.

Then the weirdest (but not in a bad way) half hour of my life took place.

Ok, maybe not my life, but definitely the last couple of weeks.

Remus: Can I ask you something Nymphadora?

Me: (I hate that, it’s TONKS. Ok, remember, mature and sophisticated, mature and sophisticated…) Sure, ask away.

Remus: What does SW mean?

Me: (with narrowed eyes) Sorry? Why are you asking? You…

Remus: You don’t need to be upset, Sirius told me to ask you… I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer…

Me: (mature and sophisticated Tonks) I’m not upset. But I won’t tell you.

Remus: Well, can I at least try to guess? (insert charming smirk here) By the way Sirius told me, I would guess it’s a man. Let me see, Sean? No, Steve? I don’t think so… Sebastian? Or maybe…. a Sexy Weasley?

He looked at me still smirking but when he saw my face he stopped at once. For a while we stayed quiet watching Sirius playing wit the children.

Remus: I’m sorry Nymphadora! I see you are upset with this, Sirius told me….I see he was wrong.

He seemed to be sincere. Was he trying to flirt with me? I relaxed a bit…

Remus: Sirius really loves kids. If he hadn’t been in Azkaban maybe things would turn out differently for him.

Me: And you? (He looked a little uncomfortable at the question.) You were never in Azkaban. Don’t you want a family?

Remus: I… (sigh)… you know what I am. Even if someone would want me, and I guarantee you there is no waiting line, how could I force live with... this...

He looked at me with sad eyes. I couldn’t stop staring at them.

Me: I…

Remus: You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to be nice. Don’t pity me. (he turned his head and stared at Sirius again) I’ve accepted it long ago.

Me: You, Remus John Lupin (I touched his arm and he looked at me again) are considerate, caring, loyal, intelligent, polite, thoughtful…

Remus: I told you, you don’t have to do this.

He had this sad smile on his face and he turned to look to Sirius once more. I took his hand in mine and made him look at me.

Me: No I don’t! But I want to! Any witch… no! Look at me! Any witch would fall in love with you!

We gazed at each other for a few moments, I’m not really sure how long… I’m guessing it was just a few moments… He had the most piercing look I ever saw in him. We were interrupted by Sirius who decided he wanted to go home when the kids started to pull his tail, and he was not in a good mood.

I left them at Headquarters door and came back here.

The doubt is burning my insides… does he know? If he does know, he’s acting very strange… not what I would expect from him. Is this the same person who said I could scare a Dementor?

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