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Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the plot for this fic. However, I based this idea on Skippy’s List of Things Not to Do in the U.S. Army and will be changing some of those items to fit into Harry Potter terms.

A/N: Thanks to the 32 people who read Chapter 3, and especially to the 5 people who reviewed. The first chapter I posted has 20 reviews, the second has 10, and the third has 5… I’m beginning to see a pattern here. But I’ll be interested to see how you all figure out how to post 2 and a half reviews for this chapter. I challenge all of you reading this to disprove my Theory of the Reviews and post more than 2.5 for Chapter 4, okay? That said, hope you enjoy this one, and thank you again for reading.
~Ever Changing Anthem


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Chapter 4 – Slytherin Skirmish



"Alright, I thought we needed to get a practice in before our--" James quickly scanned the locker room full of Quidditch practice robes and noticed one missing. "Where the hell is Sirius?"

The rest of the team shrugged in answer. James sighed and headed for the door, speaking over his shoulder. "Go ahead and start warming up. I'll go find the ladies' man."

He found Sirius in the fourth floor corridor charming some blonde fifth year whose I.Q. closely resembled her age. He ran a finger through her long curls as he gave a pompous laugh. The girl followed suit with her own glass-shattering, high-pitched giggles. James rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. Sirius turned and gave a look of death to the intruder.

"Forgetting something, stud?" asked James, leaning on a suit of armor in the corner.

Sirius gave his best friend a questioning look. "No, I think I can handle this one on my own, Jamesey."

James gave him a fake smile and shifted the broomstick he was carrying from his left to his right shoulder.

"Dammit!" exclaimed Sirius. "Right now?"

"Afraid so," said James, turning and walking back down the corridor. "I'll meet you on the field."

"Hey, wait up!" called Sirius, leaving the blonde behind without so much as a backward glance. James paused so Sirius could catch up to him.

"I'm not even going to ask," informed James as they headed toward the Quidditch pitch.

"Good." They walked in silence until the pitch came into view. "Um, Prongs, are we having a scrimmage with Slytherin today?"

"Huh?" asked James, stopping to look at Sirius.

"Because that's what it looks like to me," continued Sirius, pointing to the field. The two of them broke into a run.

"Rosier!" growled James as they stepped onto the pitch. "What are you doing on my pitch?"

The whole of the Slytherin Quidditch team turned to glare at James. The ugliest of them stepped forward.

"I booked the pitch for today, Potter. I was just asking your little team...do you call yourself a team?" a smirk formed around his lips, "...the same question," responded Rosier.

"Don't give me that bullshit. I've had it booked every Thursday since the season started!"

"Every Thursday except today," replied Rosier calmly.

"You son of a--" James stopped in the middle of his sentence and he reached into his robes and noticed his wand had gone missing.

Sirius put a hand on his shoulder, twirling James' wand between his fingers. James just stared at him for an explanation.

"You’ll want to think twice about that, Prongs. Imagine this: you hex Rosier, or maybe the whole bloody team even, they run and tell their precious head of house, and we get kicked off the pitch. Not the most brilliant plan in the whole world, but it's to be expected from a Slytherin."

James continued to stare at his best friend. "Sirius, you scare me sometimes when you live up to your name."

Sirius ignored yet another pun about his first name and turned to the Slytherin team. "We'll play ya for it."

A smile slowly spread across Rosier's face. "You wanna play us?"

"Hardly seems fair, Sirius," joked Mundungus Fletcher.

Sirius turned around to wink at him, then turned back to the Slytherins expectantly. "Well? You game, Rosier?"

Rosier scoffed arrogantly. "You sure you want to do this, Black?"

Sirius smiled fakely. "We'll even go one man down while I get changed." Sirius turned on his heel and walked briskly toward the Gryffindor locker rooms.

When he came back onto the field in his practice uniform with his broom over his shoulder the game was just heating up. James had the quaffle and was speeding toward the Slytherin keeper, Rabastan Lestrange, with a chaser, Rookwood, on his tail. Sirius quickly rose into the air, spotted a bludger, and sent it toward Rookwood. Rookwood spiraled to his right to avoid it as James threw the quaffle powerfully through the middle goal hoop.

"Nice!" shouted Sirius as he sped over to James and high-fived him, swinging around his broomstick in midair.

While they were celebrating, Slytherin chasers Rookwood and Nott had taken the quaffle and were closing in on the Gryffindor keeper. James caught up to them just as they were shooting, darted in front of the goal, and caught the quaffle just before the keeper did.

"Showoff," muttered Sirius, flying up and knocking a bludger past him toward Rosier as James flew skillfully down the field.

As James was about to shoot, Rosier retaliated the bludger straight for James' head. Sirius had to dive in front of him to deflect it. Then three things happened all at once: James scored through the right goal hoop; Sirius' bludger hit Rosier right in the groin; and Rolanda Hooch whooped in triumph. Sirius and James were too busy celebrating the former two to notice the latter.

Rolanda cleared her throat. "Hey guys?"

They turned to see Rolanda's outstretched hand clasped around the small golden snitch and smiled. Rosier had frozen when the bludger hit, but now he grabbed and groaned, rolling off of his broom onto the pitch some five feet below. The Gryffindor team landed and gathered around Rolanda, congratulating her.

Sirius hit the ground with a backward glance at Rosier who was sprawled a few feet away, still clutching his groin. "Walk it off."

"Yeah, off of our field!" added James victoriously.

As the Slytherin team trudged back up to the castle, the team laughed and decided that they'd had enough practice. They stayed on the field, re-enacting Evan Rosier's brush with a bludger, Sirius starring as Rosier. They kept this up until James suggested he throw an actual bludger at Sirius' nether regions to get the full effect more accurately.

Later that evening they had retreated to the common room and Sirius was working on his list in a secluded corner.

"What's Sirius working so diligently on?" Lily asked James as they sat by the fire.

"That essay for first years," responded James. "He's taking it very seriously."

"Sirius doesn't take anything seriously," contradicted Lily.

"Sure he does, but he won't admit it. Come on," he pulled her across the common room and they sat next to Sirius. "How's it coming, mate?"

"Lily would despise it," Sirius said, without looking up at them.

"How do you know, Sirius?" she asked him.

"It's all about breaking rules, and you're Miss Perfect Head Girl."

"I am not perfect, Sirius!"

"Fine you're Mary Poppins then," he teased. "Practically perfect in every way."

Lily rolled her eyes and smiled. "And you're absolutely hopeless. Let me see that," she snatched the parchment from his grasp and read. James leaned in to read the additions.

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17 - Not allowed to add "in accordance with this prophecy" to the end of answers I give to a question asked by our divination professor.

18 - May not call the divination professor immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime even if I am right or become possessed by a spirit and give prophecies of my own in the middle of class.

19 - Not allowed to challenge fellow Quidditch players to 'Meet me on the field of honor at dawn,' and then show up wearing a full suit of armor that I borrowed from the dungeon statue.

20 - Not allowed to purchase the souls of first year students and make them my slaves.

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A smile slowly spread across Lily's lips. "Sirius, only you would think of something like this."

"Ingenius, isn't it?" he gloated.

"Padfoot, number 18's too risky. You can't say stuff like that about teachers!" warned James.

"Of course I can! I'm turning it into McGonagall and she despises divination!"

"You're not going get away with it," said Lily.

"Watch me," said Sirius as he leaned back in his chair and crossed his hands behind his head.

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A/N: First of all, no, James was not a seeker! If you do not believe me, let me know in your review and when I respond to it, I will send you the link of one of the chats where she has stated that "James was chaser." (And remember to check back and read my response to your review.) I have no idea why James was made a seeker in the first movie. I also have no idea why he was playing with the snitch in the fifth book. (Most likely just because he loves Quidditch and couldn’t very well carry a quaffle around in his pocket.) I don’t go by the movies, I go only by information contained in the books or given directly to us by J.K. Rowling. Whew. Having said that, I really hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Next chapter title: “Badgering Bellatrix.” Don’t forget to review! Thanks!
~Ever Changing Anthem

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