Once upon a time there was a little girl named Mary. She had long, blonde, curly hair, and bright blue eyes. She had a smile like a sugar drop, and her giggle was like wind through the trees. She had a perfect life, and a perfect family. As she woke up one groggy morning, she stretched and yawned. Sitting up, she noticed that her hair was in perfect position, and her breath didn’t smell at all. Getting out of bed, the door to her bedroom opened.

Her mother walked in, as beautiful as any mother could possibly be. She shared Mary’s blue eyes and blonde hair. In her dainty hands, she was carrying a breakfast tray.

“Here you are, Mary, dearest. I have brought you some breakfast,” her mother said with a smile. “Your father is out hunting in the forest, catching some fat rabbits for supper!”

“Oh, thank you so very much, sweet mother!” Mary said with a bright smile and drifted over to the wonderful smelling food. “May I help you with the chores today?”

“Oh, no! You must play in the fields of flowers with your friends!” her mother said, hugging her daughter. After a few minutes of small talk, Mary gave a small smile, and a contented sigh. Just then, however, somebody burst through the door, looking very angry.

“Oh, pahlease!” said a bespectacled boy. “How many times do we have to read about you?!”

Mary gave a small gasp, putting a hand to her mouth. “Whatever do you mean?”

“Mary-Sue,” the boy said, his eyes narrowed. “I know you all too well!”

Mary clung to her mother, her small rosy lips puckered in dainty fear. “Mother! I’m frightened.”

“Don’t worry, dear,” the mother said soothingly. “Who are you?”

“Listen, lady,” the boy said. “I’m Harry Potter, and I’d be really grateful if you’d get the hell out of my stories.”

“Harry Potter?” Mary said, and her eyes widened. “Oh! I know you!” she said excitedly.

“Of course you do!” Harry said exasperatedly. “You only wiggle your way into any story you can find!”

“But I love you! Marry me!” she said and flung herself into his arms. He looked revolted.

“Get off me, and get out of this story! It sucks enough without you in it!” he bellowed, and he threw her to the ground. In the instant that she fell, she scraped her elbow, and a red mark appeared there. For moments nobody moved, and silence reigned.

“What have you done…” whispered the mother, as she ran from the room. Harry stared at Mary, as she sat there, looking at the ground. Slowly, she began to raise her head, and Harry’s eyes widened. Her teeth seemed to have grown over her lips in terrifying fangs, and her eyes were now beet red. She leapt from the floor with a feral snarl. Harry pulled out his wand and brandished it at her.

“Stay back!” he yelled. “No Mary-Sue!”

“I WILL RULE ALL FAN FICTION!” she screamed. Harry’s eyes narrowed.

“Not while I’m around,” he said. He then did the thing he knew would work for sure. “What’s your favorite color?”

“I…don’t know…” she said, frowning.

“Do you like sugar in your coffee?” Harry bellowed. She gasped and clutched at her heart.

“I don’t know!”

“DO YOU HAVE ANY ORIGINAL PERSONALITY QUIRKS?” Harry screamed. Mary dropped to the ground, writhing. Harry knew what he had to do next.

“Mary…” he whispered vehemently. “What’s your worst subject?”

She gave a shrill shriek of terror. “I DON’T HAVE ONE!” she cried, and with a loud bang she vanished. Harry dropped to his knees and began breathing hard. Harry heard the door creak as Mary’s mother slowly entered.

“Is she…?” the mother whispered.

“Gone,” Harry said triumphantly. The mother gave a sigh of relief and ripped off her blonde hair. Harry realized it had been a wig with a jolt. Next her mother drew out a cigarette and lit it, smiling vaguely.

“Thanks, kid,” she mumbled, and exhaled smoke. “Seeya around.”

“See you,” Harry said uncertainly, and watched as she ripped off her pretty dress to reveal biker clothes. She then ran out the door, jumped on a motorcycle that had been leaning conveniently against the house, and rode away. Harry didn’t move for a while, and then the surroundings began to fade. Soon he was sitting in his cupboard under the stairs, being punished for the snake incident.

“Breakfast!” snapped a cold voice from just outside, and he heard the lock unclick. Harry jumped on the occasion, and tumbled out of the room. He was surprised to see that he wasn’t in his house, but in a frosty winterland. His eyes widened, and he gave a huge smile. He had left Privet Drive! He didn’t know quite where he was but he didn’t care. That is, he didn’t care until a strange creature approached him. It was half goat, half man. The creature was followed by a large lion. He stared at Harry, who had suddenly frozen.

“I am Aslan!” the lion said, nearly knocking Harry off his feet. “Wait a second…who are you?” But Harry had just understood. He rolled his eyes.

“Alright, listen. The narrator must be drunk again. Sorry I’m not in the right story….AGAIN!”

“What?” the lion asked, sitting down.

“I’m from Harry Potter, NOT NARNIA!” he screamed to the sky. “This is The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, right?”

“yeah…” Aslan said uncertainly.

“I thought so. Anyways, I’ve got to go then,” he said, and then bellowed to the sky again. “EXCUSE ME! I’D LIKE TO GO BACK TO MY OWN STORY, THANKS!” and suddenly Harry was gone from the cold, white story and placed back in his cupboard. “Right, he muttered. “Let’s try this again.”

This time he opened the door, and was back in the hallway of his aunt and uncle’s house. Giving a sigh, he walked down into the kitchen.

“Where have you been?” Aunt Petunia snapped.

“Narnia,” Harry said wearily, sitting down.


“I couldn’t help it!” Harry said, and got up from the table before Vernon could grab a hold of him. He walked over to the sink, where aunt Petunia was skinning a dead elephant. “Erm…what’s that?” he asked.

“Don’t inquire,” she said.

“Actually, you’re supposed to say, ‘don’t ask questions,’” Harry pointed out. Petunia glared at him, and continued to skin the animal. “So….”

“It’s your new school uniform,” Petunia snapped, before he could ask again.

“A skinned elephant?” Harry said a little shocked. “I didn’t think it was supposed to be so…wet…” he said.

“Don’t be stupid!” she hissed. “The blood will be gone within a few days.” Harry seriously doubted this, but thought it best not to argue. His eyes were brought back to the kitchen table, however, as Dudley entered, wearing his own school uniform. Dudley would be going to Smeltings, the school Vernon had gone to.

“Oh! My ickle Duddy”!” Petunia wailed upon seeing him. Harry noticed his outfit was bright and colorful, and he was holding a gun with the word “Smelting” written on it.

“Uh…what’s that?” Harry asked, looking apprehensively at the gun.

“It’s my Smelting gun. We can use it to shoot people when the teachers aren’t looking!” Dudley said excitedly.

“Wouldn’t a tick be more practical?” Harry asked.

“Shut up!” Vernon said, having heard enough of Harry. “Go get the mail, Dudley!”

“Make Harry get it!” Dudley whined.

“Harry, get the mail!” Vernon said.

“Make the skinned elephant get it!” Harry said.

“Get the mail, skinned elephant!” Vernon roared. When there was no answer he grew angry. “What’s wrong with the elephant?”

“It’s deaf,” Aunt Petunia said sadly, looking at the dead elephant in her sink. “I tried to get it to move to the left earlier, it completely ignored me!”

“Fine, since the skinned elephant is deaf, you go get the mail, Harry,” Vernon said.


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