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A/N: This was written in answer to a challenge set by MascaraTears on the forums. I missed the mark a little on 'humour' and by a bit I mean a lot but I've posted it anyway. Enjoy!

The Very First Wand

Mahogany, twelve inches, pliable with a single unicorn hair. Sounds about right. Not that I can really remember what I’m like anymore and it’s not as if everyone who uses me describes me loudly before they do so. They just grab me from the table, give me a quick wave and then I’m flung back down again. Used and deserted. That’s all I’m good for! Not that I’d expect anymore, not from anyone sane anyway.

Believe me when I say I’ve had a good variety of owners, most of them pretty dissatisfied with my spells but then why should I do what they want? Maybe that’s why I never have the same owner for very long but this way I see a lot more. Perhaps if I could voice the things I’ve seen then much of the world would be revealed, or perhaps someone else has already voiced it and truly I have no use.

I’ve been around for a long time and, were Ollivander still around to date me, I could probably be traced back as the very first wand. The first wand ever brought into existence and given a fearful wave in the middle of the night. I remember it well, not that anyone is aware of that fact. A small gathering of people, a pathetic display of childish sparks and gasps which rang through the night.

So they’re easily entertained. I could have conjured up a lion doing that – then magic may never have come about again and I would have been destroyed but I’d have scared the hell out of them all the same.

Since that fateful night millennia have passed. I cannot even remember the name of my very first owner but since then I have passed from hand to hand – fighting against many of my brother wands and losing to none. I am, I suppose it could be said, an excellent wand. I am versatile and can be used for most types of magic. I am deadly in the wrong hands and because of this I rarely stay around the same place for long.

Travelling. It’s not the easiest of things for supposedly ‘inanimate’ objects to achieve but I would consider myself one of the most widely travelled wands of the ages. Then again, being the oldest, that’s not altogether so surprising. Generally you just have to wait to be moved by another, although Apparition is not entirely impossible. It is a common mistake made by Wizards that the wand is merely an object through which magic is channelled. It was originally so but the more I was used the more magic I managed to retain for myself. I am a crafty wand you see. I take little bits of magic used from the most powerful spells or incorrectly performed ones and store them. It is this magic which I can use for my own gain.

And so, when in desperation, I can Apparate away. I could probably also do a number of things but I have tried very little but spells when no one else is around. A wand which does magic without a Wizard would be seen as a very dangerous object indeed and would most likely be snapped instantly. It is for this reason that I remain undercover. A secret weapon although against whom I am uncertain.

It is likely to be Voldemort I align myself against, although Dumbledore has always irritated me. I came upon him more than a century ago. He was younger then – not such a ridiculous beard. He was around the age of eighteen I believe but for such a young man he had always been very sceptical of me. He used me once or twice and let me be before I was passed on again.

Of course I’ve been used by ALL the great witches and wizards of their time: Dumbledore, Riddle, and Grindelwald… I’ve spent time with the Bones family, the Weasleys, the Malfoys and the Blacks. Mostly in different centuries of course and, at the moment, I lie in Grimmauld Place, ignored by all.

It’s a lively existence here, I must say. Potter has left school from what I can gather, and his two friends have also. There’s the wolf in and out with that pink-haired girlfriend of his and Moody. The Weasleys practically inhabit the place and, I must say, after all these decades it’s nice to be amongst their family again. And then there are the twins.

If anything it’s worth staying in this awful house to be near those two when things get interesting. They’re plotting something again though, and although I’m never the wand which they pick up to use, I’m usually around to see the ensuing madness.

That’s me all over though. I’m the spare wand lying on the counter. The one you hastily pick up when problems arrive, unaware that your own lies safely in your pocket until you set me down again. Today was no different to the rest. I was lying there, minding my own business on the worktop in that house. They were all chattering quietly about something or other, not that their mindless affairs interest me…

A crash, a few flashes of light and a series of thuds were all it took to get them all leaping from their seats as if a live wire had been passed through them. And then they were off! Racing down the hallway and I was in one of their hands, although I’m not sure whose it was. Probably Minerva’s.

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!” Shouts filled the landing as everyone scrambled past each other to get to the source of the noise and interest. The twins were already stood there, watching as their mother elbowed several people in the ribs before shoving past in order to get to the front of the crowd. Moody stood at the back, his normal eye fixed on the pair of them and his magical, more alarming one wandering into the room beyond at the mess within.

“Ah … well …” George began. I knew it was George because he had a luminous G on his forehead. I had cast it onto his face the day before just so that I knew which one he was and had done the same with the letter F to Fred. No one knew who had done it and the blame was circulating amongst them. None of them blamed the mysterious wand though… Good job too!

“It’s an interesting story. What happened was…” Fred said and trailed off just as the front door flew open. Potter ran through it causing a murmur of excitement as Weasley and that Granger girl ran behind him, gasping for breath. I briefly wondered why the hell they hadn’t just Apparated back into the house before dismissing it.

It was at around this point that I realised those three had not been in the crowd that formulated on the first floor of the building but all focus was back on them as the Weasley twins surreptitiously cleaned up the orange substance which was oozing out behind them.

“I’ve destroyed the last Horcux and I’ve found Voldemort!” Potter announced and gasps filled the air. The crowd spun round to see the twins trying to escape the oozing, luminous substance but they weren’t doing well and it appeared to burn all those who touched it. The crowd turned back to Harry, ignoring the two redheads behind them.

I was impressed with the boy, I really was. It took a lot for him to hunt down and destroy six Horcruxes – especially the one that Mundungus sold, although that was hilarious watching him try to get it back. So, having managed this formidable task you would have thought the boy would have some brains. Apparently not as he had found Voldemort and returned to his home. Clearly I was not the only one to pick up upon this small piece of information.

“That’s excellent, Harry! It really is!” Minerva said, drowning out the voices of everyone else present. “So why are you here and not duelling Voldemort as we speak…?”

Silence filled the house and the laughter of Phineas Nigellus reached the ears of all those within it. There had recently been a failed attempt to silence and remove the portrait of the irritating headmaster once and for all but it had not gone very well. Now he appeared to be intent on being louder and more annoying than everywhere. Most people in the house also swore that he’d managed to duplicate himself just so that he could annoy more people at once and whilst it was generally deemed impossible for him to have done so no one thought to ask the spare wand. No… they never do, do they?! Never ask the wand which belongs to no one. Still, even if they did I wouldn’t be able to talk but that is beside the point.

So, that’s how I found myself being carried to Diagon Alley. It appeared that Potter didn’t need to rush towards the popular wizarding shopping location as the Dark Lord had taken a time out at the ice cream parlour. Not that anyone knew why. It would later be rumoured that he had stopped by to finish off the Fortescue family but most of the Order were certain that he desired one of the new triple chocolate sundaes. (Triple Chocolate Sundaes! Now Only 13 Sickles For A Limited Time Only! -- Advertisement courtesy of Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlour).

A quick curse was all it took. Two simple words and a flash of green to make the Dark Lord disappear for good. In the morning the world would hail Harry Potter as a hero but I doubt that the Order would. After all, any of them could have killed Voldemort whilst he was asleep! His last words, according to Mrs Fortescue, had been: “Chocolate makes me sleepy…” accompanied by a yawn.

I could see the Daily Prophet headline now: BOY WHO LIVED TRIUMPHS ONCE AGAIN and in that moment it became clear to me why I could never have been a journalist. Still, despite my skills with conjuring up headlines, I knew that the overall effect would be the same. They would love the boy and no one would mention that the Dark Lord had been asleep at the time, just so that the world had their hero.

The world went back to normal. Diagon Alley became busy again. Potter and his friends returned to school whilst the Order disbanded, promising to keep in touch. Dumbledore was gone, as was Riddle and Grindelwald: the three great wizards of the age but the wand which had seen them all lived on. I always would, I decided as Potter picked me up and threw me at Granger’s head. Life might be worth watching for a little longer and perhaps I’d find myself in the company of other, better wizards in the near future. Ones who it took more than a little ice cream to put into a deep stupor perhaps.

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