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Summary: “Metrosexual blokes and birds, I am filled with bewilderment to report that we have entered an alternate universe where Harry and Hermione snog freely and the lead singer of the Weird Sisters is really a man, like the rest of the band...” Randy teenagers aren’t much of a rariety at Hogwarts, but when messages start defacing Hogwarts walls people start wondering about Hermione’s deranged admirer. After all, who actually goes on a Hermione hair campaign or admires Hermione?

Hermione Granger was an unpredictable girl.

She was a typecast. A stock character that was forever lodged in her prudish role that nothing she did(or what was said about her) really stuck to her reputation besides what was known at first glance. A bossy know-it-all with extremely frizzy hair that ought to mop the floor instead of laying on top her head.

It was because of her predictability that lead to her shocking labyrinth of actions. Ones where you honestly questioned the sanity of the girl and in Harry’s case, her randiness.

Currently her hands were fisted around his tie and she tugged him closer. A smug smirk marked her face and he only wondered where she would take him this time.

“Hermione, I’m still quite sore since last time --” he gasped as her teeth nipped at his ear.

Her fingers brushed along the nape of his neck.

“I’m sure you are still up to it.” She waggled her brows. “After all you are a teenage boy and in the peak of your sexuality --”

He dragged her over to a shadowed statue after his wide eyes scanned the desolate corridor. She complied with an amused glance.

“Hermione, not so loud!” He whispered furiously and then rolled his eyes. “Plus last time was just thirty minutes ago and, by the by, people are still in class. Which brings me to another point, why aren’t we?”

She merely watched him with those keen brown eyes as she slouched. Her pinkish mouth opened as she gave out a chuckle. If he wasn’t so transfixed by the opened buttons on her blouse, he would have made both of them go off to History of Magic.

Damn her and her lack of modesty around him.

“You never cared about Goblins before, if your test scores are anything to judge by.”

He winced.

“That was a bit below the belt, don’t you think?”

She wandered over and her fingers (limber, delicate fingers) started doing those things to his chest.

“I like what’s under...” Her low tone positively undid him.


Her mouth smothered him and suddenly he didn’t care if Snape himself caught them at it while his trousers were unzipped and starting to drag down.

Her vibrating laugh echoed down the hallway and he really wondered why no one questioned their coincidental absences and those strange noises from either a broom closet or a closed classroom door. Hermione liked exploring.

But this was a new low. They were practically shagging in the middle of the corridor and not even Peeves was off here cracking a one-liner.

The situation was grating on his nerves.

She slammed a door open and pulled him against her. She was persistent in their snogging sessions and he really didn’t mind one bit. Although sometimes he gained bruises from their rendezvous when she pushed him against something. Like now.

Her curls escaped her struggling clasp and those same keen eyes gained that predatory glint once again. Oh, she was on one of those I Am Cave Woman binges with the added modern feminist gleam.

The stall she forced him on gave way and his body and hers smacked against a toilet seat. His elbow sunk into the water.

“What rubbish!” Hermione voiced after a moments pause. Her legs were spread open and if he weren’t disgusted with himself at the moment he would have shut her up right then.

“You would think that with all the money they aren’t paying the House Elves, they would use it to fix up the stalls.”

He thought that he might have struck his funny bone against the porcelain.

“Hermione, can you please not bring up House Elves when I’m about to put my tongue down your throat? Thanks.”

She shot him a disgruntled look as she pulled herself upright.

He sneered at the toilet. What a mood killer.

“Well I don’t know what you were expecting when you pushed me against some stall...”

She offered a hand to his disposition. Her nose crinkled at the sight of his soaking dress shirt.

“I should have brought our wands.” she confessed.

You think? He really had more questions for her, mainly with what possessed you recently? But he thought he had bad experiences with possession and it might make her get even more emotional. Plus he liked her in this mood, no need to distract her away from it. Horny Hermione made a very happy Harry after all.

She just leaned on the paper dispenser and sighed with her arms crossed.

“I just don’t get it.”

She started knocking her head back into the green wood. Her lips pursed as she stared at him.

“We were half undressed in our pants during broad daylight and still not a word.”

Her hand started waving wildly around. This only caused her crazy hair to sponge up and whip him in the eye because of their cramped quarters. She didn’t notice.

“I don’t know what to do anymore to get people to notice I am no longer eleven!”

Harry tried to bite his lip. “So you want to disprove that by letting people in on some live porno with us starring?” He steepled his fingers together. “Interesting...”

She merely cocked her head to the side.

“Well I didn’t want to resort to these measures but it’s getting ridiculous!”

He readily agreed with her. No matter how long they snogged, people just thought they were comfort hugging. And apparently groping was what friends did.

“And, and,” she huffed the words out, “I finally thought I had it figured out. I made us come to the most used lavatories that are some breading ground for gossips and -- nothing!”

Her hands started pulling out strands of her hair.

“There is nobody bleedin’ pissing even!” She emphasized this by smacking her fist against the thin stall wall.

He only shrugged and started taking notice of how there seemed to be scribblings surrounding them. He inched his face closer to one.

Who else fantasizes about Draco in leather trousers?

Who cares about trousers! I want him starkers! *horny*


He immediately curled himself diagonally from those offending messages. He shot Hermione a fearful look.

“What. Is. This?”

She looked up and quietly read what he just did. She smiled.

“Welcome to The Stall, with the capitals and all. It’s how the news is spread ‘round, sort of like some bulletin board. Also, glance behind you, that’s your wall.”

Slowly he twisted his neck so that he could eye the Harry section. Quickly, he closed his eyes so he wouldn’t be able to destroy more of his innocence.

“People write this when they are...?”

Hermione tutted.

“If we only had proper reading material we wouldn’t have to resort to graffiti. But no one responded to my suggestion of have mini Hogwarts: A History’s distributed.”

Harry gulped. “I think people are just more interested on whether Terry being in blue brings out his eyes or whether Eloise’s left pimple popped, erg. Also, hey, Hermione! You’re on here too!”

She promptly colored and tried covering that spot.

“You wouldn’t want to read that, it’s a load of rubbish!”

He only quirked an eyebrow and gently pushed her away. She quickly smoothed her hair and muttered under her breath.

Seen the small animal living atop Granger’s head lately?

I think it finally died.

Greatest action she got.

Harry read it twice to make sure he did not hallucinate it. His brow furrowed and he just took in Hermione’s quivering chin. She refused to meet his eyes and only then did it hit him why she kept trying to make herself known as a wanton minx.

His hand hovered over her hair and idly he carefully examined it.

“You don’t believe it, do you?”

He saw her jaw clench.

“I prefer to liken it to a lion’s mane,” she whispered with a small smile. She rubbed a hand to her eyes and gave out a shrill chuckle. “I really shouldn’t let it get to me, it’s just stupid gossip. Now c’mon, we have to get back to class.”

Only after Hermione left the loo, did his glance linger on the offending marks. A plan was already forming in his head...

A/N: Right well here’s my attempt at getting back to humor. I think it’s off to a rocky start since all these angsty scenerios came popping up and I was like ‘shut up brain! I don’t even know what emo really means!’ Does anyone really? Emotionally hardcore. What the eff my friends? Anyway, I inspired myself to write this piece after I went crazy in one of my livejournal posts. Originally it was going to be a one shot, but it seemed proper that I let the first scene stand alone, it goes down better. I’m going to finish this before HBP comes out, so stay tuned!

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