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Chapter 14: It’s ok to Cry



“Sirius! Get your arse back in the air!” Kingsley yelled. Sirius glared at him and watched as Hermione’s figure disappeared. “NOW!” Roared Kingsley.

“Alright!” He screeched back, turning around. He found James flying towards him.

“What your problem?” James said eyeing Sirius. Sirius mumbled something back. “Padfoot stop muttering.” James said sounding annoyed.

“Hermione went in that direction, towards the lake. I’m going after her, she didn’t wait for me when I told her to.” Sirius said and was about to go when James grabbed the back of his shirt. “James, are you trying to kill me.” Sirius said looking over his shoulder.

“No, but did you eve think that possibly Hermione didn’t want to talk to you, that’s why she walked away.” James said and raised an eyebrow at Sirius.

Sirius wrenched away from James. “So what. I have to talk to her. I have to apologize to her.” Sirius said and James looked a bit shocked by Sirius’ words.

“Kingsley is going to kill you.” James said smiling.

“Let him try.” Sirius grinned and zoomed to the ground.

“BLACK!” Kingsley roared. “What in Merlin’s name are you doing!”

“I’ll be right back! I have to do something!” Sirius called as he landed, dropping his broom to the ground he ran in the direction Hermione had gone.


All the color drained from Remus’ face as the words spilled from the girls lips. He gulped and looked at her, and quickly turned around, motioning over his shoulder for her to follow him. He brought his other hand to his forehead and kneaded it. He let out a quiet groan, ‘these girls will be the death of me.’

“Right,” He said and paused, looking over his shoulder at the young girl to make sure she was still following him, and she was, she wore a curious expression. “So, what exactly do you need a book about werewolves for?” Remus asked, very quickly and turned a corner.

“Well our professor wanted us to write an essay, on what we know about a dark creature. It’s for Defense Against the Dark Arts.” She said as she stepped in line with him.

“Oh, but you don’t study werewolves until third year, hold on.” He said and stopped in front of a shelf. “You said what you know about a dark creature. You mean to tell me you know things about werewolves.” Remus asked looking down at the girl, she nodded, lowering her gaze.

“My uncle, he is, he’s my mother’s youngest brother. I never see him, I know he is young though and he was bit at a young age. I know a little bit about them, and I also picked it the piece of paper from our professor’s hat that said werewolf on it. Lucky me huh?” She said smiling.

“Really, that’s interesting. Oh here we go. This should help you.” Remus said as he scanned the shelf and grabbed a book and handed it to her. “Werewolves and How to Identify them”, “It’s a good book, and gives useful information about werewolves. If you read it and are good at essays I’m sure you’ll get a good grade.” Remus said smiling at her.

“Thank you very much.” She said started flipping through the book. “Wait, you said it’s a good book? I guess you’ve read it then?” She asked looking up at him.

“Yes, I own it actually, I would have lent you mine since you’re in my House and all, but someone else is borrowing it right now.” He said smiling faintly remembering Lily telling him she had taken it while he was in the Hospital Wing.

“Oh, well thank you very much!” Freya said and turned to leave, Remus just watched her go, taking out the pocket watch and opening it up to smile at the picture on the inside cover.


~*~*~


Sirius ran towards the Lake, hoping to he could find Hermione. He stopped dead in his tracks when he did. He watched her slide down the tree trunk and hold her head in her hands. He felt a tug at his gut. Should I leave her alone? Or go to her? he thought. He took a hesitant step towards her, and heard something make a crunching noise under his feet, like a piece of paper, or a photograph? He lifted his foot, to see a photograph were he had just stepped. He bent down making a face, hoping he hadn’t totally ruined it. He sighed realizing he had only bent the corner. He looked at the photo nearly doing a double take, because of what he saw. One of the boys in the photo looked exactly like James.

He frowned and looked at Hermione, who was this boy in the picture, who was the red head next to him. More importantly, why did he look just like James, and what did he mean to Hermione. He quickly looked up at Hermione and away from the picture when he heard her sobbing.

Sirius held the picture in his hand as he walked over and knelt beside her. She looked up at him her were red and puffy from crying. When she saw him she just started crying harder and harder and to his surprise she wrapped her arms around him. He was confused at first but allowed her to cry on his shoulder. After a few moments he got her to calm down and she pulled away from him wiping her eyes. “Now look at what you’ve gone and done, you’ve gotten my good shirt all wet.” He said inspecting his shoulder, which was drenched from her tears. She let out a small noise and a small smile appeared on her face, and he smiled. “That’s what I like to see.” He said reaching out and lifting her chin. “Here.” He said extending his hand, holding out the picture.

Hermione’s eyes widened as she took it from his hand, and realized for the first time what Harry and Ron had been wearing in the picture could cause many problems in this time. She quickly shoved it in her pocket, not caring if she bent it.

“So, who are they?” Sirius asked. She knew it was coming, why had she been so careless, why did he always have to show up at the wrong moment, why? How was going to explain this? She looked up at him with an unusual look, a look implying she wanted to say but couldn’t. Sirius started to open his mouth seeing the fearful glow of her brown eyes, but was cut off when she spoke.

“They are my best friends, or were, or are going to be, however you want to put it.” She said sadly, feeling a jolt in her gut as she thought she may never see their smiling faces ever again, never have a fight with Ron about something stupid, or go on a late night adventure with both of them through Hogwarts ever again. Tears came to hers but she pushed them back, she wasn’t going to cry in front of Sirius, she had already cried enough. “I’ve known them ever since my first year at Hogwarts. They were my first real friends at this place.” She said looking around the grounds. “I never really knew what true friendship was until I met them, they saved me from a Mountain Troll in first year, that was the first time I really realized they cared. They stood up for me all the time after that, even when the Slytherins out numbered them. They would always tease me and call me names.” She said smiling softly at all the times Harry and Ron had zapped Malfoy to hell and back in 6th year when he still made fun of her. “They were so childish those two, Ron especially, he would get so upset when I was made fun of. But you know I loved them to death, they are like brothers to me.”

“Why? I mean why would you get teased that is.” Sirius asked before he could stop himself, and Hermione looked up, remembering the time on the train when they thought she was related to Amy Grant, who just so happened to be her mother, who went to this school.

“I’m a muggle born.” She said quietly. “So they would always-” She began but Sirius interrupted her.

“They didn’t… they called you that.” Sirius spoke up, Hermione flinching at how menacing and dangerous his voice sounded. “But your not, I mean on the train…” Trailed off looking up at her. He was just too smart for her, she was glad that she didn’t have to explain who Harry and Ron were. At least she hoped she wouldn’t have to.

“The truth is I may not be muggle born, but that is the truth that I will never surely know.” She answered quietly closing her eyes, but she could picture the look Sirius was giving her.

“So then they-” He said, and she quickly cut him off.

“Yes.” She answered again. “I hate them.” She whispered, and Sirius gawked at her.

“What?” Sirius asked quietly, he heard exactly what she had said but wasn’t entirely sure he had heard her correctly.

“I h-h-hate them…” She choked as tears spilled from her eyes. Sirius sat up and wrapped his arms around her, he set one hand on her head stroking her hair as she cried on his shoulder. “I hate them for not telling me that they were wizards. I hate them for keeping me in the dark all these years, I hate them for allowing me to believe I was a muggle born all this time, I hate them for allowing me to be teased all the time at school by those damn Slytherins. I hate them for leaving me alone!” She cried as she gripped Sirius’ shirt, clinging to him as her body shook with sobs. Sirius closed his eyes and let her cry.

“It’s ok to cry.” Sirius said in her ear, resting his head against hers. “Just let it all out.” He said again, rubbing her back with his other hand. She just whispered those words over and over, “I hate them” as she clung to him crying.

Finally he heard her whisper something else. “I hate myself.” She said, and he stopped stroking her back and hair, he stiffened when she said this. “I hate myself mostly for letting it happen, letting them be killed, tortured like they were. I was so stupid to think they would be alright. I should have known Sirius, I should have known!” She cried and she hit him in the chest with her fist. He winced, but held her tighter. “It was so horrible… all the… the b-blood, and their faces…” She sobbed into his shoulder, choking and stuttering as she went on. “I hate her for killing them… I hate myself Sirius, I wanted revenge for my parent’s death…they left me all alone… I felt so alone, and lost… I didn’t know… I didn’t know what to do.” She cried and Sirius felt a tear fall out of the corner of his eye. “I feel so alone…” She cried, and Sirius pulled her away from him. She looked at him and seeing the tear falling down his face she wiped it away. “Why are you…” She asked, fresh tears spilling from her eyes, before she could finish what she was going to say he kissed her.

Sirius held her close as his lips came in contact with hers, he parted her lips with his tongue allowing his tongue to search her mouth. He held her head as they fell against the grass, he pressed himself closer to her. She didn’t know what was going on, all she could remember were Snape’s words from a few days ago, “I would stay away from Black, he’ll have you on your back before you can say Hogwarts.”For a moment he pulled away from her to take a breath and he as he pressed his lips against hers once more he heard her whisper. “Remus.” He quickly pulled away, hearing a gasp escape her lips. He put his head into his hands, as she sat up.

“What am I doing?” he said to himself, the frustration clear and evident in his voice. “I…I’m sorry.” He said as he looked up at her and saw her eyes were wide, and he closed his eyes and looked away. “I’m sorry for earlier, when I called you all that stuff, I didn’t mean it. I was just so angry…” he said opening his eyes but still not looking at her, he couldn’t bear looking at her. “How do you know so much about me…” He trailed off quietly, he then looked at her, she looked away from his gaze. “I know you can’t tell me, but I just wonder, ever since then that’s all that’s been on my mind is how much you know, it seemed like you had read my thoughts or something.” He continued, still quiet. “I know you like Remus, and I know from these years of being his friend that he likes you too. Even though he’s been in the hospital wing almost all week, I know he has feelings for you. From the moment he caught you and laid you down on the seat in the compartment, the look in his eyes…” he said, he smiled at her as she looked at him, blushing she smiled softly.

“I know I shouldn’t have kissed you, not now and not the other day. But me being who I am, and as stupid as I am came up with this idea.” He said awkwardly. He flushed in embarrassment.

“Go on.” She said, he looked up to see her smile sweetly.

“Well, you see I got this idea, to kiss you, so Remus could see it, and then get jealous, or knock enough sense into his head to not be so shy anymore and actually ask you out.” Sirius chuckled, scratching his head. “No need to yell at me, I got a good lecture from James, and Lily mind you. I’ve got the bump to prove that James nearly killed me when he found out.” Sirius said rubbing his head.

“Don’t worry, I won’t yell at you, and I will spare you the lecture of doing something so stupid.” She said and he winced. “But it did work, at least I think it did. I talked to him earlier.” She said looking up at him. Off in the distance a bell could be heard, Sirius stood up and shook off his robes, both looked in the direction the bell’s chime was coming from. “But, I want you to know, I am sorry for saying all those horrible things to you.” She said looking up at him stood there. He turned towards her and smiled and extended his hand, she shook her head. “No… I have to think about some things, then I will be in for dinner. Save me a seat though won’t you?” She asked as he took his hand away and smiled.

“Of course. See you.” He said and began to walk away, she watched him, but then he turned around. “Hermione, no hard feelings?” He asked and she smiled and shook her head.

“No.”

“Good,” He said and turned and walked away. She watched him shrink off towards the castle when she turned around to face the Lake. Images popped into her head, images of the order, Harry and Ron, Ginny, the rest of the Weasley family, then the images got darker. Terrible memories flooded through her head. Her parents’ lifeless bodies, Ginny falling to the ground, the dark sky, the rain, all the dead on the battle field, all the blood. Then came the worst. Bella’s twitching body, the way she arched her back in pain, crying out for Hermione to stop, to let her live, but she never gave in. Her anger, hatred remorse had gotten the better of her this time. Those last words that she emitted from her lips before the last curse spilled out from Hermione’s wand and hit her, You have such power, use it.

She knew what Bella had meant. That all her hatred and anger had been her source of power as she had inflicted the Cruciatus Curse on Bella. She would never hear those words in her nightmares, but would always see her lips move, watch them form those words. She was brought back slightly when thunder clapped above her head. She stood up and looked at the darkening sky, she saw a few flashes of lightning and then it started to down pour. At the exact moment the droplets hit her face she saw all those images again in her mind. As if someone had just pressed rewind and play. At the last sight, her parents and Ginny’s tombstones, she let the anger flow out of her as she looked up at the sky and let out a blood-curdling scream. She looked down at the ground, she was still full of anger, and she walked towards the castle knowing fully well what she was going to do now.












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