Being threatened into doing something crucial is almost as if you are pushing someone through a door of nails. They refuse- they refuse to indulge in the pain that you are asking them to do. It seems as if –even for a second- that this person you are staring daggers through is fake. Why they do this to you is undoubtedly quizzical, but what pushes you to do these things is the least expected. It could possibly be something that you have overlooked, ignored or took no partial notice in. If so, you have draped yourself with a mask that cannot be torn off.
You’re blind to your surroundings, your failures, your lies, your secrets and your misfortunes. You take no caring for the poor, you hold no sympathy for anyone but yourself and this…makes you seem fake.
You are fake.
You are a written chalkboard with fake messages and learning skills. It is probable that your childhood was the same. Everything was endured through aches and pains. You find other ways to co-exist by slitting your wrists and doing drugs. It all seems like another perfect escape until you reach the end of the road.
And when you get there, you are bewildered. It wasn’t the paradise that you had imagined nor was it the same exquisite castle that you had dreamed, for what seemed to be an eternity. Your false assumptions were all lies.
You created a lie for yourself. You became the lie that you believed was everyone’s fault. You became the reason why you slit your wrists, when you overdosed on drugs, when you fell on the floor crying. You became the reason why you had done all those things to yourself. You find out that none of those options were your escape and your existence is a silhouette to those who look at you. They point from a distance and laugh. They laugh carelessly, reigning on their overdone cliché- that has been done over and over again.
I’m not here to preach, to teach you that life is one big hell. I am here to tell you that life is what you make of it. It can be heaven or hell. It is what you say and do, what you learn and create, what you destroy and burn. Some of us are clearly capable to cover up our flaws, to put on layers of make-up every morning to hide the scars of the past and the fresh scars of the evening. They may not seem to be visible to the touch or to be seen from the naked eye, but to you- you can see them. You can see them clearer than anyone else, because they are meant to poison your soul. They are meant for you to learn from.
And this is what makes a human real.
To feel pain, to know how it knows you best, may not be great, but it is enough to show you that you are human and you have to take whatever is being thrown at you seriously.
And this makes you real.
And if I can see that then maybe one day you will too. It has taken me several years to prone the truth. The truth is everyone’s opinion, even though some maybe wrong, it really doesn’t matter if you are right and the other person sitting beside you is wrong. All that matters is that you both have opinions. The both of you are speaking out for yourselves and not for the person walking past you in the lobby. You need to find the power to stand up for yourself and that may take forever, but forever is a long time. And forever may not be as long as you dread it to be. Forever could be tomorrow, could be in a month, could be in a year, but waiting around on your sofa and engulfing yourself in the TV isn’t going to make ANYTHING easier.
You want easy? Then dream it, because life isn’t easy. Life isn’t spending an eternity beside you on that damn couch. Life is spending its time being on your back, telling you that you have to do something.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know any of this. I was inexperienced.
I was only a kid.
It wasn’t until that exact moment when someone taught me a more reasonable escape to venture. However, I had doubted this person, tortured this person and plagued this person to the grave. Truth be told, I wasn’t giving this person a second thought.
Not until I learned their secret too.
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