So Lost In You


“Why should we? You’ve seem to make it pretty clear that you didn’t want me in your life, your own daughter!”

“What am I to do Madison? I can’t pretend that I don’t love you, that you were the only person that I thought about day and night. I’ve missed you, whether you believe it or not, I do.”

The tears stopped, “I’ve missed you too.” Her mother wrapped her into a hug, clinging to her daughter, knowing she had her back in her life.

Chapter IV: What Hurts the Most

“EAT.” She declared.


“No? Why do you simply refuse me? Do you honestly think you’re ever going to see you precious husband and daughter again?” The voice taunted her.

There was no reply.

“I didn’t think so.”

The women still refused to touch the food in front of her.

“The less you eat, the more you die. What will happen to your son if you’re gone? What will become of him?”

“Don’t talk about my son like you know him, you know nothing.”

“Defensive are we?” She took the food away with her wand and sat on top of the desk across from the room. “The only reason I’m keeping you alive, and because I need your blood and without that, then there’s really no point to this plan at all.” She laughed evilly.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can’t take a few tears now and then let them out

“Why me? It’s been seven years!”

“That’s for me to know and for you to find out. I shouldn’t have to tell you anything you filthy little mudblood.”

“I seriously wished you were finished off with everyone else in the battle.” She young women spoke.

“But see, I’m not therefore I have plans and nothing you say or do will change them.”

The women left and the young mother sat herself in a corner of her cell. Her legs trapped within the chains that held her ankles were tight and every time she moved, she would bleed. Bruises and cuts bore on her face, and she was pale, and usually had hard time breathing. She’d been living in this hell hole for seven years, and she’d tried many times to escape, she was almost convinced she’d gone insane. Her son was now seven years old and had never had a childhood, he would enjoy. She wished to give him things he deserved, but knew now that it was hopeless. She just hoped that he would stay alive. That’s all she needed right now.

The older women talked about her husband and daughter, and that just brought tears to her eyes thinking about them. She hadn’t seen them in so long, and she wondered what they looked like, if they even missed her. She would never understand what this woman had wanted with her, wanting her blood? It was a mystery to her.

This women who had captured her, was hell bent on keeping her alive yet, she felt even weaker then before. Barely able to move or to speak at times, her wand had been taken a long time ago. She rarely got the chance to see her son let alone talk to him.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen what the wizarding world looked like now. Her daughter must be going to Hogwarts now. She was proud of her daughter even if she didn’t know it. ‘One day I promise, we’ll get out of here, one day,’ she whispered. She’d been refusing to eat, her health even worse than before was diminishing, she wanted to heal her wounds but she no longer had the strength to do wandless magic. Without her wand, she was defenseless. She’d taken the beatings, the curses, the blood she’d shed throughout the years was enough to last someone a lifetime. Why did the women need her blood?

At times, she felt like giving up. She wished she was killed that way she wouldn’t be living with this suffering her and her family was going through. She vowed she would get out of here. As much pain she was in, she was a strong women and she believed that if she could at least get her son out, then there might be some hope. She’d told her son many things about his father, who had never met him. He never seen a picture or even knew how he talked, how tall he was. But he believed his mother’s words, he wished he could escape but it was no use, what could a seven year old do?

He paced, surprising himself that the floors hadn’t cracked yet. He sent word to Dumbledore as soon as he’d received his letter from his daughter. How was this possible? His wife was still alive, hadn’t they only discovered her bracelet? The only piece of jewelry she wore at all times other than her ring.

He was an auror yet, he couldn’t figure out anything. He’d been top auror for years, tracking down the vilest Death Eaters that had escaped Azkaban. He wasn’t so long ago he’d been a Death Eater himself, but he’d proven himself worthy and became a spy for the Order. He’d been friends with Potter, as much as it was hard to believe for years. He wondered how he could solve almost every other case except his own. His wife was missing yet no one seemed to care anymore. He’d been miserable for the past seven years and his daughter who was growing up without a mother was heartbroken. He couldn’t possibly be a father and a mother to her as much as he tried over the years; he couldn’t take her mother’s place. He couldn’t be too parents. It was hard raising her by him self.

Madison had enough temper tantrums throughout the years that could overthrow the Weasley’s. At times, Draco felt like he’d failed himself, he felt like the worst parent in the world; having to take care of his child when at time he couldn’t take care of himself. When there was time when Voldermort had been at large, that’s what everyone feared, now trouble was still stirring and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

I’m not afraid to cry every once in awhile
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend that I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me

He sat at his desk, tired of pacing and took out a quill and parchment deciding to write to Potter about what he just found out. No doubt would Potter and Weasley would like to know about their best friend’s whereabouts.

Potter & Weasley,

It seems I’ve found some rather interesting news. I can’t say that this is true, but I’ve sent word to Dumbledore about it. Hermione is alive. I don’t know how it’s possible, or to say whether or not I want to believe it. Madison sent a letter early this morning from Hogwarts saying that she was the Transfiguration Teacher. I’m hoping to hear back from Dumbledore soon enough. I’ll keep in touch.


He thought it was discrete, not too much information in the letter. He didn’t feel like having a heart to heart with Potter and Weasley about his feelings. As much as he missed Hermione dearly, he could tolerate her friends, but they would never be best friends. He was glad his daughter was having a good time at school; he never got the pleasure of having that luxury.

Soon enough as the day wore out; he finally received word from Dumbledore.

Mr. Malfoy,

As it is a pleasant surprise to hear from you. How are you? Why it’s been years since I last saw you and Ms. Granger at your wedding. It’s my pleasure to inform you that your wife is in fact teaching at Hogwarts. It was a hard decision letting Professor McGonagall go, but it was for the best. I’m surprised you’re asking if your wife was teaching here. I know you and Ms. Granger have had your arguments in the past but I assure you Ms. Granger has informed me that she’s happy where she is. Your daughter is a wonderful child and she very much takes after you, I look forward to hearing from you again.


Albus Dumbledore

Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The letter was simply no help at all. Not only did he know that his wife was teaching at Hogwarts, she had no intention in coming home. Did their marriage mean nothing to her? After sevens years without contact, how could he have imagined this? His daughter seemed happy though, so what he could possibly do? Could it hurt to possibly contact his wife, even after all these years? Would she still be the loveable loyal, courageous Hermione Granger-Malfoy he’d always known. It was hard to believe at times that he had married Hermione Granger, once known as a mudblood in his dictionary, but times have changed. He didn’t believe in that blood purity anymore.

His marriage with Hermione was never perfect, no marriage was. They got into many arguments but never any that they would leave the house and not speak for years. They spent most of their time with their daughter; each had their own job and had time for each other. Long nights of working but than coming home to relaxation and each other’s company couldn’t have been any better. They had dated for three years before marriage had come up in conversation. It was a lot on Draco’s part because of his family. He remembered the night Hermione had disappeared so clearly.

What hurts the most?
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing what could have been
And I’m saying that loving you is what I was trying to do.

Hermione had been cooking a late dinner for him as he’d been stuck at the office with tons of work the Minister had decided to load on him. Madison had already been put to bed. He arrived at home to the delicious smelling home cooked meal he’d needed all week. Having been to busy to eat at home with all the work he’d been given.

She was in the kitchen stirring some pasta on the stove as he approached her, wrapping his arms around her waist. “I’m sorry that it took me so long to get home,” he whispered in her ear.

She turned around with a smile on her face, “That’s alright; I only just got Madison to bed. She wanted to wait up for you, but I told her no and that she’d see you in the morning.”

“Well she is daddy’s little girl.” He said cheekily.

She laughed and placed a kiss on his lips. Their kiss intensified but was quickly stopped when smoke was growing from the pot. “Oh no!”

Somehow, unimaginable as burning dinner was, they found out that they didn’t have much in the kitchen to whip up for themselves.

“I’ll just head to the store, and we’ll make dinner for the two of us.” Hermione said, kissing his lips quickly before grabbing her purse from the table.

She left abruptly and he was left to clean the kitchen himself which he didn’t mind all too much. Madison came down five minutes later, being it was way past her bedtime.

“What are you doing up, kiddo?”

“I’m thirsty, can I have a drink of water daddy?”

“I suppose but than it’s off to bed with you.”

“I told mommy that I wanted to wait for you to come home. But she wouldn’t let me.” His daughter had a saddened expression on her face but he quickly pulled her into his arms.

“I know sweetie, but mommy has every right to put you to bed, its way past your bed time. You should know I would never leave you. I just had a lot of work to do at the office.”

“Okay,” his daughter finished her water and set it on the counter and kissed her father’s cheek before retreating to her bed.

Half an hour later, Draco was starting to worry. His wife didn’t normally take this long to head to the store. It was a ten minute walk from there. She should have been back by now. He didn’t want to come to any conclusions, but what could have possibly happened?

It was almost two a’ clock in the morning and he’d been up ever since and there was still no sign of Hermione. Something could have happened to her and he wouldn’t have known anything about it. He knew something must have happened he could sense it. He was an Auror, he could tell when there was danger around. He headed straight to his office, pulled out a file and starting writing. He didn’t want to believe, didn’t want to accept it, but his wife, mother of his child was officially missing.

He didn’t hear another word about Dumbledore’s letter from Potter or Weasley for the next few days. They’d been busy with their own kids and had only gotten a chance to reply.


If what you’re saying is true, than we should investigate; as much as I trust Dumbledore he does have a knack for hiring the wrong staff. If Hermione is teaching there I’m sure she has a good reason for it. She couldn’t have disappeared without a trace and then suddenly show up seven years later teaching at Hogwarts. It doesn’t make any sense. Let me know if you have any more information.


It was true that every year of his Hogwarts years had they had a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, mostly each and every one of them had been either been Voldermort, a phony, A Death Eater. It was no wonder Draco thought the Headmaster had gone loony. The mere thought of going to Hogwarts after all these years, scared him slightly. There were some horrible memories left at that school. The Astronomy tower especially.

It’s hard to deal with the pain of loosing you everywhere I go
But I’m doing it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see your old friends
And I’m all alone

What could he possibly do? He didn’t want to surprise his daughter by showing up out of the blue, proclaiming he was looking for his wife, insane as it was. But he did need to talk to her. She had probably matured, acted differently. He probably wouldn’t recognize her. He missed her, seven years since he last saw her and it broke his heart.

He decided to risk it all, even if it meant embarrassing his only child to see his wife after so long, it was worth it. He hoped she had some kind of explanation, hoped it was something reliable that he could understand why she would leave him. They had a happy marriage, he thought. There was nothing that they couldn’t talk about face to face. They never told each other lies, even if the truth hurt.


Sitting in the library, reading wasn’t exactly her best friend’s idea. But than again, they didn’t have that much time to spend together being in different houses.

“Tell me again, why we’re in the library of all places?” Riley complained. She hated reading, was never much for studying but got good grades on her homework without having to try.

“Because it’s only place where we can sit and talk.”

“You’ve got to be joking Maddie, have you not seen the looks Ms. Pince has been giving us since we got here?” Logan stated.

“True, but do you have any better ideas, genius?”

“Well- ugh no.”

“I thought as much.” Madison said. Her book opens to page 34, in her Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook. They all had the same homework, even though they took different classes.

After the war, Hogwarts had changed drastically. The head of Houses still held their ground on separate common rooms. The classes had changed, no more were there just classes for Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, or Slytherin and Gryffindor.

“You know Maddie, you never did tell us about your conversation with Professor Granger.” Riley stated.

“It was awkward, I haven’t written to my dad yet, I don’t know what he’s feeling now, probably going out of his mind. I’m still trying to figure this out. My mother told me that they weren’t getting along, how is that possible?”

“That’s rubbish Maddie, your mother and father had a great marriage, I don’t know where this professor thinks that they argued too much to leave you.”

“She’s changed, I just don’t know whether or not if that’s a good thing.”

“We should go; Riley and I have Herbology next.” Logan said, grabbing his textbook, and papers into his bag.

“Have fun.” Madison said, staring at her textbook, not reading any of the words. Her mind was elsewhere. She took some parchment out of her bag and began to write.


It’s been awhile since I’ve written. I’ve talked to mum, she’s different, older but it’s her. I don’t know the exact reason why she left but she told me that you and she were fighting a lot. Is that true? Is that why she left? Please tell me that it isn’t true. Sorry for the short letter, but I really should be finishing my DADA homework. I’ll send you another letter next week.

Love, Maddie.’

Still harder
Getting up getting dressed
Living with this regret but I know if I can do it over
I would trade give away with all the words that I say
In my heart left unspoken

Maddie put all her books back into her bag, leaving the letter untouched, she still had time to deliver the letter before heading back to her common room. She headed towards the owlery, passing by her mother’s dormitory. She thought about visiting her for a moment but than the moment passed. She still wasn’t ready. No matter what she told her father, she didn’t trust her. Something about the way she held herself, the words she spoke just hadn’t seemed right. She figured if her father knew about this, he would be able to confirm the truth. After all, they had been married far longer than she was born.

Charlotte, lay sleeping on a tree branch outside. Hogwarts was beautiful. She tied the letter to the owl’s foot, and woke her.

“Take this to Dad, it’s an emergency.” Madison said. The owl hooted happily before flying out the window.

Madison couldn’t bring herself to move, she slid down to the floor. Trying to take hold of her life but was somehow not able to hold on anymore. Why now, seven years later did her mother appear, alive? It just didn’t make sense. She hadn’t told her where she’d been for the last years not one thing about herself over the years. She used to tell her everything. When Madison had been in muggle school, her mother would sit by her at the kitchen table, explaining about her day, and they would make dinner for her father when he arrived home. It was ritual and that had never changed until that night. She had never forgiven her for leaving like that. Her father wouldn’t talk to her; she looked too much like her mother for him to except the fact that his wife was gone.

She realized she been sitting the owlery for quite some time and decided to move and head towards Potions, dreading another class with Professor Snape.


When Draco received word from his daughter again, he decided to contact Dumbledore and arranged a meeting with him. Later on that day he informed Potter and Weasley that he was going to Hogwarts and if they wanted they could join him. He had enough of this, waiting it was doing no good for him. He sat at his kitchen table eating his dinner alone. Realization dawned on him that he was alone, really alone for the first time. He didn’t have a daughter to protect, a wife to love. He was stuck in this life he made for himself and he hated it. He loved his job, and it gave him the satisfactory of saving people’s lives but it just wasn’t enough sometimes.

He headed over to Blaise’s place in order to calm his nerves. He didn’t want to be in his home. What would have shocked him, hadn’t he not been best man to his two best friends, he would have found the scene in front of him disturbing.

“Do you mind, your children may be off to Hogwarts but is there really a need to shag when people are apparating over?” He drawled.

The couple stood back from each other, a smirk in place; Pansy buttoning up her blouse in frenzy. “Draco, do you ever knock?”


“Please do.”

“So what brings you here?” Blaise asked.

“Nothing in particular, I’m planning on going to Hogwarts in two days.” Draco drawled.


“Were you both not paying attention when I said that my wife is there, teaching my daughter. I, out of all people should have been first to know what made her leave me, I want to know what I did wrong for her to disappear for seven years.”

“We’ll support you no matter what happens, you know that Draco.” Pansy answered sincerely.

“Potter and Weasley are coming with me; we’re meeting Dumbledore at seven on Friday. I just thought you should know.”

“It’s much appreciated mate, we love Hermione just as much as you do, and we all want answers. But you’re right; you should be the first to find out.”

“Thanks, well sorry for disrupting you, I just hate living in my home at the moment, everyday seems to be getting worse and worse. It’s like this pain never goes away.”

“Don’t worry everything we’ll be okay.”

What hurts the most?
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing what could have been
And I’m seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.

“I should get going, but I will keep you both updated. Oh and by the way, if you intend to shag out right in public, don’t let me see it.” Draco apparated back to his lonely home, only to discover something, he hoped he wished he hadn’t seen.

And I’m seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.
That’s what I was trying to do.

Author’s Notes: Another long wait for this chapter, and I have no idea why it took me so long to update either. So many stories, so much homework, so little time! I’ll try and update as much as I can. I know a lot of people are expecting quick chapters, but I can only do so much.

Song lyrics by Rascal Flatts - What Hurts The Most


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