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This was so interesting! 

I think you really captured Snape's voice which I think is really, really hard to do so props to you. The way he reacts to things is very in character. 

I had never heard of either theories, but you introduced them to me in a very natural, organic sort of way so I'm totally into both of them. 

I really enjoyed the little details that you added such as getting to overhear Hermione and Harry's conversation (it's interesting to remember that there was a war going on and there was so much darkness, but the trio were still teenagers and dealing with teenage stuff). It really made your story connect with the world of HP and make it so much more believable.

Also when Lily comes to mind before killing off Dumbledore. It was mentioned so briefly but it was completely effective. It really tugged at my emotions. 

Really enjoyed it! Great job!

Author Response

Oh thank you so much for this review! It really made my day :)

Howdy Vilja! I'm sorry it's taken so long to get here and that my review will not be as long as normal, but unfortunately I've broken my hand and so I'm hunt-and-pecking around tonight.

Beginning with the chief concern you expressed in your request, I don't think there's a lack of realism at this point. It's certainly not far-fetched to imagine Greyback biting Draco in a rage (or let's be honest - not in a rage even) and I think it would be possible for the Malfoys to conceal Draco's condition and make things easier on him than they were on Lupin with their resources. If there's anything I'd be careful of about that it's that it doesn't really seem to prove significant to the story.

With Pince being Snape's mom, I think it's a very interesting wrinkle and a cool concept. Certainly anagrams have been used in the series and there are plenty of reasons Dumbledore would protect Snape's mother.

With the mechanics of the story itself, I thought overall you captured Snape's conflicts well. The introduction of the Pince = Prince dynamic also adds an additional dimension to his decision-making and internal conflict. Though it feels a bit repetitive due to the overall length of the story (and of each segment in particular) the burning of the Dark Mark works well as a device for signifying those tensions and the intensity as a clue for how much the tension has grown.

There are a few instances of odd language: "derive tension" - I think you're referring to relieving tension here and "on the first place" which is probably a simple typo - on instead of in. Additionally, I would try to work on the rhythm throughout. Occasionally it's abrupt and staccato.

The best mechanical bits are your descriptions and emotive language. I think you paint a picture well, particularly with expressions and tone, which are so crucial to this story. It makes me wonder why borrow the descriptive language from the books themselves, but those things are something you should be proud of, along with your characterization of Snape throughout the piece.

Overall I think the story works well as an exploration of Snape and his divisions and turmoil in these times.

Author Response

Hi Kevin,
Thank you so much for the review, I hope your hand gets better soon!
Your CC is very helpful and very much appreciated. Odd language is certainly a weak point of my writing (as English is not my native language), I will go back and revise the parts you indicated.
I'm so glad overall you liked the story and my characterization of Snape - thank you again for stopping by!

Hey, Vilja! Here with your requested review! :)

Well, one thing is for sure, you have a way to surprise the readers, your stories are always so different from anything else I see around.

I had heard about the theory of Draco as a werewolf, and I honestly love it! I think it makes a lot of sense and gives to Draco's character even more depth. The scene of the bite was done so well by you. It wasn't excessively detailed, but it still gave me the chills. Well done.

I'd never heard about the theory of Madam Pince being Eileen, instead. That took me by complete surprise... at first I thought that they had a secret relationship (meaning love relationship) even if it felt so weird, then when she called him "son" I was like... wait, what? I found it so interesting.

I loved how each section brought out Severus' secret anguish, and how each one was concluded with a reference to the burning of his Mark, it was quite powerful. I felt so sad about the last section and the fact that he'd lost his mother's affection. I wish he'd tell her the truth, but obviously I can understand why he wouldn't.

I honestly really enjoyed reading this, I think you did a great job. I don't really have CCs for you, I really liked the theme, pacing and structure.

Thanks for requesting.
Much love,
Chiara

Author Response

Hi Chiara, Thank you for such a nice review. I'm glad surprise was the first thing you mentioned, I like to outstand on that front ;-) I really don't know how to reply, so I just want to thank you for taking the time to read this and leave a review.

Hi, I'm here with your requested review! :)

Hm...this was definitely a very interesting read for me. Snape POVs are tricky to write, given the character's complexity, but I think you managed it quite well here. You did a fantastic job depicting his double life (...triple if you count Hogwarts) so we got a sense of both Snape the Death Eater and Snape the Trusted Servant. His feelings were painful to read about (don't take this the wrong way, it was a good thing :)) but I loved how you tied the story to the title with mentions of the burning Dark Mark at the end of each paragraph. It was a clever touch to add.

Eileen Prince is Irma Pince is a theory I actually haven't heard of, but it's pretty convincing, in my opinion. I know it doesn't belong to you but you still made brilliant use of it. Which leads on to my next point: Snape's relationship with his mum. Honestly, this is the first fic I've read where the two of them interact. It was kind of interesting how you portrayed their relationship. Snape seemed to actually care for her wellbeing and got on quite well with her. This might be canon, I don't know, but I always imagined he would have bitter feelings towards both of his parents (I mean, his upbringing was pretty lousy) His dad because he abused him, and his mum because she didn't stand up to him, and because I don't think she's really a motherly type (if what we've seen of her as a librarian proves anything) But I suppose we all have our own head canons ;)

I've talked about one theory, so...Draco is a werewolf! I've heard this one, but I don't think it's true tbh. You incorporated it quite well into the story, and I really liked how Snape tried to help and gave him the Wolfsbane potion. You really brought out all the good in him in this story :) However, I do think that it could have been mentioned a little more. Yes, you had the scene where Draco refused Snape's help (wise choice...) but after that it's sort of forgotten, and makes it seem (ONLY A BIT!) like you just wrote about it for the sake of having something else interesting to write about. Sorry if that came across as harsh? It seriously wasn't bad at all...I would have just liked to see a bit more :)

You mentioned whether it was realistic and if it fit canon. Definitely, you aren't deviating from canon, and 99% of the story sounded realistic enough. There was one point that struck me as a bit odd, which was when Irma Pince said she was Eileen. I thought it didn't sound like natural dialogue, so I think it would have worked better if you had just mentioned it in descriptions or something? But I get that it was easier to put it in speech.

Anyway, that aside, this was a great read for me! Thanks for the request :D

~lovegood27 xx

Author Response

Hi Maranatha :) (see, I learned your name ;-))

Thank you so much for this review and the constructive criticism - in no way was that harsh, in fact always very welcome!

I'm glad that overall you liked the story and the characterization.

As for your comment on Snape and his mum, I agree that he probably has bitter feelings due to his lousy upbringing. I still think he loves his mum, just as any son does, and he cares for her. But also he avoids her for extended times and postpones replying to her letters - so I tried to make it sound not so perfect.

Draco being a werewolf is not true, JKR had dismissed this theory on twitter - so I chose to write about this knowing that it's not canon. You are probably right that I should have gotten into more details about this to make it sound realistic and give more detail, but I don't see how that could fit to the style of this one-shot built from just short scenes.

I went back to check the dialogue line you say didn't sound natural Ã¢Â€ÂœIÃ¢Â€Â™m quite sure no one will ever suspect, that Irma Pince is anagram for I am Prince.Ã¢Â€Â hm... you might have a point there, but I'm not sure how to change it. I mean I wanted to make it clear at this point that Madam Prince was Snape's mother, and also I wanted to give a detail as to why this is a plausible theory. Anyway thanks for pointing that out, I will give it some further thought and might still change it.

This was a really interesting read! I thought it was spot on for Snape's point of view. It seemed to be everything that he really would think. I love thinking that, if Draco was going to be bitten, Snape would have known about it, and would have tried to help Draco. Well done!

Author Response

Thank you for this nice review! I'm so glad you liked the story - I've never written anything so connected to the story told in HP books, and I was also afraid of deviating too much from canon, so I'm very much relieved that it worked well for you!

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