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"Kik maguk? Mit akarnak t&#337;lem?!" what language is that?

Author Response

Hi :) that is Hungarian (I give the translations in the endnotes), the whole story takes place in Hungary, and Soma is native Hungarian
thank you for stopping by ;-)

Hi! I'm here from ff.net with your requested review! (I'm Stella Blue over there)

What an great opening section - you set the scene really well with the radio on and all the news that identifies the era in which this is all happening. And the couple definitely have me intrigued. At first they seem like just a normal husband and wife, but then it turns out it was Aaron's job to move to Hungary and blend in so well that  he must get married as well. I feel so sorry for Luca, as she probably has no idea :( I'd kind of love to know more about their backstory, and what happens to her. What about when Aaron's job has finished? It's like Luca has years of her life taken away. I know she doesn't come up again in the story, but I'm still really curious about her, and about Aaron as well. Maybe you should write a spin-off story about those two :P I'd totally read it, though I suspect it would be quite sad!

It seems that in this fic, the main focus is the prophecy and the interpretation of it, rather than the characters. So we see little snippets of the characters' lives - it's not a lot, but what you do let on is so powerful, that it's enough to make me curious about them and want to know if things got better for them! I was so sad when I realized what Jenkins was asking of Iesha, and wondered what Iesha eventually decided (if she was given a choice?) Poor Iesha, that's an awful thing to have to face.

And Remus as well - that definitely caught me by surprise, only ten years old and having to do an unbreakable vow, and about something so serious! That probably shouldn't even be legal. Poor guy, this whole thing must have been so over his head. Which brings me to another point - the Minister for Magic, Jenkins, is a really interesting character, considering what she asks of people. It's kind of like she is focused on 'the greater good', in how she's trying to save the continent from a dark wizard and sacrifices the needs of indivduals to a bigger cause. And that's interesting because, you know, objectively she's doing a good thing- protecting her country from a dark wizard, but do the ends justify the means? How far would she go to save her country from a dark wizard? So I really liked that philosophical quandary that this character brings up, especially, when they were working towards the wrong goal all along. It made me think a lot so I appreciated it :)

I don't want to forget to mention how much I loved that you wove some Hungarian in here - the language, and some Hungarian characters - because HP is pretty heavily focussed on England and Scotland, so it's really refreshing to see the wizarding world in other places, and how far the prophecy stretched and how many places were impacted, and just to see some of how the wizarding world works in Hungary.

In terms of constructive criticism:
The beginning sections kind of hop around a lot, and while this isn't necessarily a problem, it didn't seem to tie into the story later on.  And then the last section is much longer, but still contains some jumping around between Iesha and Jenkins' conversation, and Eileen and Lyall - with the dialogue one after the other I couldn't tell if they were all in a group, or two simultaneous conversations. One thing you can do to avoid confusion here that I'd suggest is to add a line or two of transition between scenes whenever you're switching scenes, or maybe adding a line or two in the later section that references what happened in the beginning so those first pieces don't seem like standalone segments.

Also, I know you mentioned English isn't your first language, and considering that, you do a wonderful job of conveying your ideas. There are a few typos/small grammar issues, but fortunately this can be easily fixed - there's a subforum on ff.net where you can request a beta, and they can help with all the little English grammar  things.

Last but not least, your final line is PERFECT. Ahh, I've got chills!

I hope this was helpful! Overall I really enjoyed reading this, and thanks for the request.

Author Response

Hi! Thank you for the review! You say so many positive things, it almost feels like I don't deserve it - you definitely made my day happier :D

As for Luca I don't really have it planned what happens to her. I could make something up now, but I prefer to leave it open for now. I'm so happy you like the little snippets of the characters, this was my intention to give just a glimpse of who they are. And there are ethical issues in there - thank you for pointing that out.

Your comment on the jumps between the conversations between Iesha - Jenkins, and Eileen and Lyall is fair, I myself had a problem when writing this section, but couldn't figure out how to solve it. I will go see if by adding a line or two it can be solved. I already got a very helpful beta reader, so I hope to get this and the English fixed soon.

Dossy 

The idea behind this is really interesting, which is why I think you have good bones here.  There is something there behind the layers.  The introduction, I think, is the most concrete as a foundation, and that's really good.  That says something.  You have this Auror who's been undercover for three years.  Okay.  Why?  Why is that significant?  And don't just tell me, dear, that's not just shock and awe.  There's a reason why that character does that other than to stand out and be different as an OC.  Illustrate that in your writing.  Build that foundation, use those four walls to draw me in.  

Why should I care about this character?  I do like Aaron as and the sleeping figure of the child, but you need to hook me in.  How?  Backstory.  Build that scene and forge those vital connections.  Lead me to the water,  not that I am a horse, or nothing, but there has to be a reason I want to drink.  I like that the Auror is undercover.  My question is why.  This Auror, as an officer, as a human, has feelings.   Even though he's undercover and is essentially doing his job,  does he not have qualms?   If he doesn't have qualms, is this because he's hardened and desensitized, as it were, like Mad-Eye Moody?  Especially to the child.  I have a soft spot for children and grandfathers, me.   Would he not be bothered by the child?  

You say a lot of stuff in one sentence and then you move on and I'm sitting here thinking, "Dossy, I wish you would elaborate on that because that's a minefield for character development."  You do that a lot here, which I'm going to show you and then elaborate.  We're going crack a few eggs and scramble.   (I actually dropped an egg on the floor yesterday, so this egg stuff is in clumsy hands.)

Keep in mind that I am not attacking you.  I'm merely trying to point this out.  Your small pieces of prose don't really add to the piece.  You remind me of a camera person shooting a scene.  As the director, you're not choosing an angle.  

I think you're the exact same person I pointed this out to earlier.  You have to choose a POV and show your readers the world through his or her eyes.  You HAVE to.  Why?  If you don't do that, you don't set the scene.   Let me ask you a question, okay? Who is the most important character is this story and why do you as the writer want to tell it?  The snippets that follow the scene about Aaron seem almost like they can be cut.  I'd hate to say that, but there you are.  

I got lost as to why we're going here and then there with Iesha and the apparent grabbing.  It's fan fiction, and I know we all know the original story, but don't just drop names like Eileen Prince or Remus Lupin (Remus Lupin!) and not blend them into the mix without giving us story or reasoning behind it.  It's ... okay, it's like baking, say, a cake.  You gotta blend all these ingredients together to make it one yummy thing.  See?  

It's the latter part of this piece that gives it strength.   In writing, you need to look for the soul and the meaning.  I stole that from Celine Dion.  (Yes, she did.). In fact, if you can, I want you to listen to "Then You Look At Me" by Celine.  You don't have to like her - I ask you to listen to the first few lyrics to get when I'm trying to say here. You have to peel  back those layers. It is interesting that you have a Lyall and Remus here.   Art comes in many, many forms.  

So, here's my issue.  There are two.   Mainly.  One.   You make an Unbreakable Vow with a child?  A child who, is essentially, cut off from the world because his father shelters him as a werewolf?   Unbreakable Vows,  I would think, would be rare.  I don't see that flying in the Ministry of Magic. First of all, that is a child.  So, you're basically telling a child (without telling the child, really), if they break the vow, they die.   Remus grew up wanting friends.  I am not saying that Remus would have been one of those loose lips sink ships people, but a child, for the sake of being a child, should not be held by the same standards as an adult.  If I were a witch or a wizard, you wouldn't be pulling that on me or mine.  

I get that you're trying to illustrate the seriousness of the situation. I do. However, taking it to that level seems like a violation.  A child does not hold the same reasoning as an adult and should not be held to the same standards. Period  .A Ministry official wouldn't do that. Just have the clever little boy promise because that seems a tad, way more than a tad to this law student, excessive.  You see that?  

The prophecy itself needs to be separated from the writing to have a greater impact.  It needs to be written out as lyrical poetry.  It needs to be it's own separate paragraph.  

This has been  mentioned it but I'm going to offer myself up as help for you. If you need a beta, a second pair of eyes to look over your writing, I would be willing to do that for you. One of the greatest stairs that you make in your writing is that in your dialogue you were not putting  a comma before your closed quotation mark or. Or any punctuation at all. That needs to be there, and if you don't know that that's OK.

We are all learning as writers and as part of a community we should help each other. You have a lot of good bones in the story. I know that it seems like I am attacking you, and I swear to God that I am not. A lot of times my error, and I don't know if you had the same problem, is that I have this idea in my head but I don't get it on paper. I know that my characters should feel this way. They should do this thing in this is why. This matters because. but it simply doesn't get there. For whatever reason.

You are really talented with ideas and thinking with the strong mind.  I see that which is why I come back to your pieces. In fact I almost left a review for this piece.  This idea is extraordinary. If you put the work into it, if you build the world around it.  Look for the soul and the meaning.

Author Response

Hi LunaStellaCat,

Thank you so much for this in depth review, I really appreciate it!
I will gladly accept your beta/second eye help, so you can expect a pm from me on ff.net :)
(I'm a positive person, so I'm happy about the complement hints you have in your review, and will do my best to use your suggestions to improve.)

I think most of what you say are really good points, so I'm not going to try "defend" myself, just answer a few things.

About the Unbreakable Vow I disagree. But it's more of a theoretical debate, as we do not really see in canon how the Ministry works. As cruel as it sounds muggle governments would sacrifice children for the "greater good" if there is no other option. And based on how the Ministry treats Harry, Ron and Hermione while they are just school-aged, I have no problem believing that they would make a child do the Unbreakable Vow in desperate times. (BTW the Unbreakable Vow cannot be that rare if Ron's brothers knew about it while they were just children.) Also, normally I would agree that a parent wouldn't let that happen to his child, but then again this is not a normal situation.

I'm a little lost about your backstory comment - but it will probably come clear if we chat about it. For example. Aaron does have a backstory. Him being undercover illustrates the chaos of the situation. That the ministry has found a Hungarian connection, but they don't know how to handle it. So the best they can come up with, is to send an auror to Hungary. No specific instructions, no clear plan. And of course Aaron has feelings. I don't go into details, but he is pictured as doing more than necessary on the personal side, trying to be a good husband, and that he hated what he was doing.

OK, so about the POV. I don't have a main character. What I want to show is a situation. We are in times when Lort Voldemort is about to raise to power. And one might ask, did nobody realize what was going on? Did they not have aurors at those times, trying to fight dark magic? These are the questions I want to answer. Yes, they did have aurors and they were desperate to prevent the rise of a dark lord. But they misinterpreted the information they had and this led to a national tragedy and war. And why do I need my characters to show that? Because it's not just a chapter in a history book, because the people involved are all human, and they have their personal stories. You say the "snippets" after Aaron could be cut, but I say that they all tell something - e.g. Iesha being pregnant shows, just how common and everyday problems might interfere with a mission. And why do I also need characters we know from the HP series (like Eileen Prince or Remus Lupin)? Because those are the ones where we know how their life will turn out to be. One might reconsider everything these characters do later in light of what happened to them in this story (this does not work with OCs). I also tired to specify the connections. Remus Lupin was mentioned in the prophecy. And Eileen Prince is also meant to show how little prepared the Ministry was - she had some Hungarian connections (through her gobstone contacts) and that was enough to drag her into this, as there was noone better. (And that she accepted also tells a lot about her, she left home a small child - OK I know in order to get most of my hints, you have to be super-familiar with canon.)

I only tell this so that you see my reasons for writing the way I did. But I still think you have made good points, and I would be happy to accept your help and open a dialogue on how to improve this. (After all if most fanfic readers do not like this style, than it would be no good for me to write like this.)

Writing the prophecy as a lyrical poetry sound a great idea, I will look into it. (Although the prophecies that were in the HP books, are not poetry, but still I think this one could be. Or at least a separate paragraph. Right.)

Hello!
Here with your requested review! :)
(Also, welcome to our fanfic community! It's always nice to get to know new people!)

This was an interesting little piece. It surely is different from what I'm used to read. And, well... as you might've guessed, Remus is my favourite too, so it's always nice to read about him ;)

I think you have some pretty nice description in here, so well done on that front. I also think you did a nice job introducing so many characters and putting them all together the way you did, showing us just enough to get an idea of who they are and the role they cover.

Another thing I enjoyed was that you put a bit of your own language and culture (at least, I think?) in this piece. I'm not a native speaker either, and I did the same in one of my stories. It's always interesting to see snippets of different languages and cultures in fics.

I have to confess, I'm not 100% sure what your aim with this story was. I feel like it remained a bit suspended. I mean, I get the irony of that last sentence, that "Tom Riddle cannot possibly endanger the wizarding world". But I would've loved to know more, about the characters, their past, their stories, what comes to them as they try to fulfill their "mission"... I think this could've been an interesting prologue for a longer story, more than a stand-alone. But maybe that's me... :P

I really liked your little Remus. He is just as I would imagine him, quiet, polite, a bit frail... I found a bit scary that he was forced to make an Unbreakable Vow. He's just a child, probably he didn't even fully realize what was going on. I also found quite sad what Jenkins requested of Iesha... but I do understand that as Minister for Magic Jenkins would put the nation's needs before the individuals' ones. I still find it all quite sad...

Anyway, this was an interesting read. Thanks for sharing.

Much love and many hugs,
Chiara

Author Response

Hi Chiara,

Thank you for this lovely review!
(I'm so glad I found this community - I've missed people who share my love for the HP series and Remus ;))

Hungarian is indeed my own language, I'm glad you pointed that out - one of my aims was to show a bit of my own country, since there is so little about Hungary in the original books. (In fact this could be said about most of the countries, so I'm thinking of holding a challenge where people should write about magic in their own country.)

I'm sorry I left you with so many questions (and it's not just you, I've got that comment earlier). I guess it's rather me, I like stories that leave a lot of room for readers' imagination.

About Remus, I'm sure he did not fully realize at that moment what was going on. But I'm inclined to think that he did realize soon after that, and that it had an influence on his future decisions.

Iesha's is indeed a sad story. In my view it's not just that Jenkins would put the nation's needs before the individuals', but also as she says the father would be a target. He is a civilian, he would be exposed, dark wizards would capture him to blackmail Iesha, and eventually it would ruin their life, including the life of the child. I know, it's a story that cannot end good. Unless, and that's what I'm hoping for (I know it sounds strange, as I could decide what happens... but I didn't think of that), the mission is aborted soon after this scene, as Voldemort raises to power, and Iesha is still in time to have her baby. So there is still a chance for her.

Hi, I'm here to do the review swap :)

I was so impressed by this, especially since it's your first fanfic and English isn't your native language. I was totally blown away by how you weaved such an intricate history involving Hungarian royals into the Gaunt family. It provided a fascinating read, but you also did a fantastic job of sticking to canon.

Another thing I loved was the beginning. My first thoughts of Aaron was "oh, just an ordinary man" but it soon became clear that it obviously wasn't the case. Mentioning love potions and wiped memories was the perfect thing to spark the readers' interest and prompt them to keep reading.

I thought your characterisation was great. Your OCs all had their own personalities and I thought it was amazing how they crossed paths with such different backgrounds. You had quite a lot of characters in this for a one-shot, but I still had a glimpse of what each of them was like without feeling crammed with information.

The prophecy was one my favourite parts. It wasn't just another fraud (cough, TRELAWNEY) making some random prophecy. It sounded like how all prophecies should sound and just felt REAL. (I'm such a brilliant describer...) But seriously, I really liked it, particularly since all of the things mentioned in it actually came true.

Okay, I also have some CC for you. I had a clear idea of everything that was going on, apart from one bit. I was slightly confused by the part when Iesha was talking about her unborn child within Eugenia. It adds a nice touch to the story to see a bit of Iesha's private life but you were just a tiny bit vague as to who the father was. Was it Aaron or Soma? It just leaves me curious.

But overall, I was so impressed by this. It was a very unique story wiphich I thoroughly enjoyed, and I look forward to reading more stories from you in the future :D

Author Response

Thank you so much for this nice review and for all the positive comments :)

As for the father of Iesha's child, it's not stated in the story who it is, as (in my view) it is not central to the plot. But it's neither Aaron nor Soma, it's someone who is not introduced. He is a civilian, and that's the minister's problem, he is a vulnerable target and hard to protect. In my mind he is a muggle, someone Iesha met but are not in a relationship, they are not in love, it was just a one night thing, they did not want the baby. (But I don't have this part so much worked out, it's just a vague idea I had when I wrote about her pregnancy.)

Hello!

I'm from hpff to do your requested review! 

I'm very impressed with this! I've never read anything like this before. I love all in details you go into, it's such an interesting idea and clever concept you've come up with! The ending was quite chilling (in a good way), it was an amazing way to end it. I know you said this is a one-shot but seriously feels like there is such a unique story to be told after this one-shot, like it's part of a bigger story! maybe that's something to explore one day!

"Tom Riddle cannot possibly endanger the wizarding world." - woah! love this line. brilliant haunting last line.

As for your english and grammer - I didn't really notice anything much wrong with it and I think it flows reasonably well too. your english is very good! :) 

xx

Author Response

Hi :) thank you for this review! you just made my day :D I'm so glad you liked it!

Szia! Nos, én magyar vagyok :D Els&#337;sorban két észrevételem lenne: a "woman' helyett következetesen "women"-t írtál, ami ugye a többesszám, és a mondatban egy n&#337;r&#337;l volt szó. A másik pedig annyi, hogy angol szövegekben idéz&#337;jelet használnak, nem pedig gondolatjel. 
Pár szó a történetr&#337;l: Nagyon tetszett! Érdekes volt olvasni Mátyás királyról és családjáról, jó volt megismerni ezeket az új karaktereket és kíváncsivá is tettél! Csak így tovább! Élvezetes volt olvasni, csak hirtelen túl sok volt a név és információ, amihez hozzá kellett szokni. 
Szóval hajrá! :)

Author Response

szia :) nagyon kÃƒÂ¶szi, hogy ÃƒÂrtÃƒÂ¡l! javÃƒÂtom amiket mondasz, biztos hogy az angolom nem tÃƒÂ¶kÃƒÂ©letes
ami meg a sok infÃƒÂ³t illeti, hÃƒÂ¡t tÃƒÂ©ny, hogy ebben kicsit 'extrÃƒÂ©m' az ÃƒÂzlÃƒÂ©sem, a legtÃƒÂ¶bb fanfic-nÃƒÂ©l amit olvasok azt ÃƒÂ©rzem hogy lassÃƒÂº ÃƒÂ©s vontatott - ami nyilvÃƒÂ¡n nem igaz csak ÃƒÂ©n pÃƒÂ¶rgÃƒÂ¶k tÃƒÂºlzottan
kÃƒÂ¶szi mÃƒÂ©g egyszer! remÃƒÂ©lem nem bÃƒÂ¡nod ha beÃƒÂrom a fordÃƒÂtÃƒÂ¡st is nehogy kivÃƒÂ¡gjanak az oldaltÃƒÂ³l ;-)
-translation-
hi :) thank you for your comment! I will correct as you suggest, I know my English is not perfect
regarding the amount of information in the story, I know my taste is extreme in this sense, for most fanfics I read I feel they are too slow - which is obviously not true, just my thing
thank you again for stopping by!

Hi DossyVilja, this is one of the first stories I read on HPFF (I'm a Remus Lupin fan, so was looking for him ;-)), and I truly loved it! I think you did a really great job in connecting minor cannon characters and putting them in a coherent and plausible story. I would have liked to read more about young Lupin during the story - after all it was a cruel thing that they made him do the Unbreakable Vow, you could have described more in detail how he feels. But overall the story is great, definitely one of my favourites!

Author Response

Hi Gatita12, thank you for leaving a review! I'm glad you liked my story, and I'm especially happy you appreciate the minor canon characters - I was very much afraid that people wouldn't be familiar with characters that only appeared on Pottermore and not in the books. Remus Lupin is one of my favourites too - thus I could not resist the temptation to include him (even though the original focus was 'just' on the minor characters), but I did not want to make the story Lupin-centred, that's why I didn't write more on him. Thanks again for stopping by! :-)

Wow, this was great - thanks so much for writing it!
I was kind of wondering if this is a prequel to a longer story - would love to see how the mission ends.

Author Response

Thanks very much for the review! I'm not planning to write a longer story on this - but eventually we all know how it ends: Voldemort raises to power soon after the story takes place and our heroes realize that the prophecy was about him; the mission targeting GellÃƒÂ©rt Gauroch is aborted and Eugenia Jenkins leaves office; Remus Lupin indeed supports the 'chosen one' and lays his life in the final battle - whether his decisions to do so are influenced by this prophecy he could never talk about or not... well, who knows :)

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