2016-07-07 23:06:27
Hello Darling!

Here I am checking out your fic from your review request in my thread. Thanks so much for taking the time to request from me =)

Alright, right out the gate I love how immediate the effect of the writing is, putting me right there in the moment, listening to the sounds of people huddling and crying, trying to make sense out of chaos. Even more sensual stimulation would really make this fic. Like, make me feel any hurts Luna is suffering. Is there a smell in the air that's clogging her nose? Is it cold standing there? Warm? Is it raining?

Stimulate my senses to put me right there in the moment with her so I feel like I'm actually in her shoes.

You have a small typo here: "Some talking, albeit mostly intelligible sounds."
Where I think that's meant to say 'unintelligble' because she can't really hear them in her own tumultuous state of mind.

Also, Luna would only have been in 6th year for the battle, so it would be 6 years spent learning and living at Hogwarts, not 7. I'd never have considered the idea of Luna having a minor breakdown after the Department of Mysteries either. Kudos for that. As a social outcast with no friends, something like that would really have had a profound effect on Luna.

I really liked the way you ended this fic, but I was hoping for more emotion. Second person POV can be incredibly immediate. It can put the reader right there in the shoes of the victim, made all the easier through the narration telling them 'you', 'you', 'you'. More emotion from Luna would be delightful. In situations like that where the pain is crashing around you, swirling through you and shocking through your system, little details tend to stand out. Time seems to slow down and you take note of odd things. Stupid things that later you look back on and wonder why you noticed them at all.

Like, with the press she might've noticed one of them having a weird shaped camera. Or she might've noticed how warm Ginny's hands felt when she felt so number and cold inside.

Maybe she would notice Ron muttering something to Hermione, or Harry might've tried to awkwardly pat her shoulder to make her feel better. Maybe the side room had a funny smell that reminded her remarkably of her father.

With some extra, little details like that, this fic could go from being good, to be flooringly powerful.

If you're interested in editing it and thinking of reposting it with some extra stuff like that (and you don't have to, of course) I'd be more than happy to take a look at it and Beta-read it for you, if you like? You're more than welcome to PM me on ff.net with it if you want to.

Don't feel like you have to if you don't want to, but know that the offer stands if you want to make use of it =)

Much love.


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