Reading Reviews for Periphery
  
46 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Lady Asphodel Introduction

20th April 2017:
This chapter was so amazing! Just from the description alone and the way how you write it.. it's like a self-monologue but in narration - which you did incredible with its delivery. I love how you described the scene that Chloe is in. I can see it so perfectly. I think that Chapter Image helps, but still - you set the tone clearly. I love practically every description of this - from the way how you described the cold, the height of the church, the distance from how far she can see it and the people who walks toward it. Then the feeling of sadness and anxiety due to the loss of James and Lily and Marlene.

It's so sad to know that Chloe's mother is suffering what it seems to be Alzheimerís. I know personally what that is like and it's a difficult situation for anyone.

The scene where she reads Sirius' letter was definitely chilling. I like how you described what the letter looked like. Giving more to the dark tone of the story. It was short and straight to the point but definitely sad. And it's sad that she had to keep from her mother - and keeping up pretenses.


I've grown to like Marauder era stories, but I never really took the time to seek out and read it personally. But I'm glad I gotten the chance to read this. This is very interesting and I'll add this to my reading list.


Very incredible writing! Good job!

CTF (Gryffindor)


- LA

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Review #2, by crimson quill Chapter Three

20th April 2017:
Capture the Flag,

So I'm reading out of order so I'm reviewing on this chapter but I really enjoyed myself! I haven't read any marauders stuff in ages and it felt so good reading this! I really like Chloe a lot, she's a bit shy but I felt even in this chapter she was making progress with her confidence I guess? it is developing nicely anyway!

her internal monologue is really strong like I think that it's really clear who she is as a character even if she's not quite sure as a person though. she seems she over thinks stuff a lot perhaps considering how she worries about people talking behind her back and what marlene thinks, details are what makes the characterisation so good. btw seems like her marlene are going to have a nice little friendship develop, I enjoyed that end scene!

I enjoyed your version of Sirius, I thought he came off as a bit annoying (in a good cheeky kinda way) but really quite likeable at the same time basically. it's a good balance, you've got there. I'll be good to see more of how you develop his character further.

I'm interested that she's a hufflepuff but I guess as a hufflepuff yourself you wanna represent! So this business with the slytherins she mentioned...I think maybe I'm missing something from a previous chapter but I'm interested anyway! xo

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Review #3, by krazyboutharryginny Chapter Three

20th April 2017:
CTF

I actually didn't find this chapter all that slow at all. I thought it was really well done.

The first half is so tense. I honestly was on the edge of my seat. I mean, it didn't seem like anything horrible was going to happen - it being the middle of the day in the middle of the hallway with loads and loads of people around - but Chloe was so tense and you did such an excellent job of capturing that that I was feeling it myself.

And then - Sirius. Even as he annoyed Chloe he was charming. I think you did a fantastic job there too, demonstrating his nature, or at least part of it, very well. Annoying, yet also annoyingly charming. And the sort of ease with which he conducted himself (Chloe thinking that he looked like he could've lit a cigarette in a practiced manner).

And Marlene was just wonderful! She made me feel so much better when she showed up, just like Chloe. She has so much life to her, she was almost sparkling off the page (well, screen :P). And Sirius isn't her boyfriend, hm? Interesting. Chloe was so sure about it.

I'm very glad she and Chloe are Officially friends now. Chloe definitely seems like she could use that sort of kindness in her life.

I enjoyed this chapter just as much as the first one, I'll have to come back and read this properly after CTF is over.

Great work!

-Kayla

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Review #4, by melian Chapter Two

20th April 2017:
That was really interesting!

First of all I want to talk about characterisation. I thought you did a really good job of showing peopleís personalities with only minimal description. For example, we donít see much of Emily, but I have a solid idea of what sheís like. Equally Marlene Ė and can I say I loved the description of her being pretty in a cunning sort of way. Iíve never heard that before but it makes a lot of sense. I liked too the comparison of her teeth to Emilyís. Itís small, but it felt significant.

Also, the Marauders. This was clearly set just after a full moon. I liked how you said Remus had always been sickly Ė something that would make sense to a person in that year group as he was always in and out of the hospital wing. Peterís notes always having crumbs on them was another nice touch. Iím curious about the relationship Ė or lack thereof- between Sirius and Marlene too. Clearly he wants to take it further. I wonder, with all her capabilities, if she will let him.

Iím also very intrigued by the Black Adder Society. Iíve not read many Marauder fics that have any sort of organisation other than Death Eaters and the Order of the Phoenix. This, though, coupled with Michael Flint having the run of the school, is pretty thought-provoking. And the black dahlia warning too Ö without any knowledge of floriogaphy it made me think of a spy novel I read yonks ago that talked about a person called the Black Dahlia. If it means a warning, that makes perfect sense. So thanks for htat!

All in all a most interesting chapter. Well done!

Cheers Mel

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Review #5, by krazyboutharryginny Introduction

14th April 2017:
Hi, jailbreaking for CTF.

Full disclosure: Sirius/OC stories are something I usually avoid. But I was honestly roped into this by the end of the first paragraph. Your writing is amazing! The scene laid out in that first paragraph is so vivid and the way you described it was so poetic.

And I just got more and more interested as I read on. You did a really fantastic job of giving us enough details to give us an idea of what Chloe's life is like and what's going on around her, while leaving out enough stuff that we were left curious and wanting to know more.

For example, it's fairly clear quite early on that Chloe's mum is suffering from memory loss, Alzheimers or something - but then we're actually introduced to her and we get this additional element that she seems to be very uncomfortable with Chloe's magicial abilities, opening up all sorts of questions about Chloe's background and family life. I thought that was really well done.

The scene where Chloe cracked the egg in the pan and the sound made her think about James and Lily was also very well done; super visceral. And then I liked (well, liked is a strange word here, but) the scene where Chloe found out about Marlene's death, and the difference between her feelings there and her feelings about James and Lily. I think you did a great job describing her shock and grief.

And then that last sentence! What?! What a great cliffhanger. Ugh, I honestly want to read more now but I have to keep jailbreaking for CTF XD Maybe I'll be back sometime!

Great work!

-Kayla

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Review #6, by nott theodore Introduction

14th April 2017:
CTF Review

Hi Sarah! I have to admit that I've had my eye on this story for a while and I'm really excited to get the chance to read and review it. I think I've only actually read your Keep Calm and Carry On before now, so a Marauders AU is a bit different to that, but I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it!

(I have to admit that I don't read a lot of AU stories but I'm glad you said this one is AU because I was questioning the time line of events slightly before that haha.)

I really like Chloe so far! It's really interesting to see a character in such a normal and non-magical setting, and then have that contrast against the war that she's living through. Her mum is clearly so wary of magic and doesn't seem to want anything to do with it - I'm looking forward to finding out whether or not that's always been the case or it's something more recent. I like the fact Chloe is so protective of them, too.

And Marlene:( I know the time line is different here but it's sad to see she still dies in this story, especially when she's Chloe's best friend. I like the way you introduced that Chloe was part of the Order here though, and that Lily and James are dead. I'm so intrigued to see how the rest of the novel plays out and which events are different, as well as how Chloe fits in with them all!

Sian :)

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Review #7, by melian Introduction

11th April 2017:
Iím glad you put that explanation in the postscript about it being AU, because my canon nerd was itching all the way through this. Marlene dying after Lily and James; Sirius not being in Azkaban in December 1981 Ö But itís AU, so Iíll forgive you.

Having said that, Iím strictly a canon girl, so any foray into AU feels slightly weird to me. So bear with me if I miss things or have trouble with anything.

This is an interesting look at the life of an Order member after the fall of Voldemort. Thereís a bit of PTSD in there, isnít there? The not eating, hiding away, not wanting to talk to anyone. I assume Chloe is a Muggle-born, from the discussion about the sheep fence Ö so thatís something else she needs to deal with Ė parents and friends who donít understand her world and what sheís been going through, so that sense of isolation would be tenfold. Geez. Poor thing. It sounds like she was living in Godricís Hollow, or frequented it, prior to October 1981, so she canít even go home there because itís been blown up. Too many memories. Too much trauma. I donít blame her for not going back.

There were some really nice details in here too. The number of lies she told her mother. The detail of the heating spell that sheíd only put on herself, not the whole house. The yearning to use magic in a Muggle house. It was all done really well.

And Ö that ending! I donít think I need to say more. All I can add is that I hope thereís an explanation, one that would make sense of someone like Sirius using an Unforgivable on Marlene McKinnon.

Geez. Iím still in shock.

Well done.

Cheers Mel

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Review #8, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Introduction

11th April 2017:
OMG! You have a new story! I can't believe it! I'm late in the game! I'm so excited like you have no idea! Yay!

You're already killing me.

"I at last found the butter in with the silverware"

So sad! I don't even know who I'm getting attached to just yet but I already want to squish them. Not sure because this is the magical world what her mother would have but dementia and Alzheimer's runs in my family. To see the person you love with half their mind unable to remember you or anything is completely heartbreaking. It's earth shattering. I don't even like to read about it. It gets me emotional.

Uh!

I am home with your writing.

God, you just make everything so real. Your descriptions just capture me. I got lost for a second in this dark world.

My heart lurched when she found out about Marlene but then I was also worried because I wasn't sure if her mother really did know or not. I'm intrigued by that relationship. Why all the lies? I'm assuming the father isn't magical? Or something happened to her mother that they're no longer part of that world?

I'm so down with the AU by the way.

To even get a letter from Sirius makes my heart sing.

But I'm not sure if should. So she trusts Sirius and I'm assuming he's not in Azkaban then? For their deaths? Oh so many questions and I need answers!

And she saw Lily and James dead?

That would give me nightmares for the rest my life. I wouldn't be able to live. It's obvious she's barely holding on though.

Can't wait to read more!

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Review #9, by Lily Chapter Six

7th April 2017:
Oh Sirius you are such a brat, lol. Can't wait to read more :)

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Review #10, by whitelillies Chapter Six

2nd April 2017:
Hello!

Oooh the tension. Wow. I don't know how you do it but it's like it's physically palpable for the reader. Well done!

Anyways, I'm really excited to see where this is headed. I LOVE Sirius/OC fanfics but often find myself left disappointed since they're usually unrealistic or cliche, and I think writers find it difficult to really pinpoint what Sirius was like as a teenager, too. However, I think you've done an excellent job here of both well-characterising him and generally keeping the story grounded.

I really like Chloe, too. I think she's a complex and interesting character, and I like how she's drawn to Sirius for an inexplicable reason, without even really knowing him. It could be that she's idealizing him, or has this idea about him in her head, but I think it's something else. I think she's just drawn to him for no good reason. And I think that's usually how it goes in life, in fact: you initially feel attracted or connected to someone without knowing why, and then you discover more about the person. On a different note, it's interesting how Chloe has quite a dichotomous personality. It's like there are these two parts to her: one that's reclusive by nature and also because of what happened to her, and another that's sick of being so alone all the time, and that sees the Marauders and their friends as a kind of possibility of what could be if she just let herself open up. So I'm excited to see how she develops as a character, too!

Finally, your writing is amazing. It's got that perfect combination of matter of fact and unusual that makes it very unique. I'm also usually not even interested in reading AUs but this story has got me hooked! It's different from Keep Calm and Carry On but in a good good good way.

Hopefully you can update soon! This story is really something else!

Sofia xxx

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Review #11, by Lily Chapter Five

1st April 2017:
Loved reading, looking forward to more. It's quite funny how unlikeable Sirius is, I really like the school era parts

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Review #12, by Panacea Chapter Three

27th March 2017:
Your writing is beautiful!

Author's Response: Hey there, thank you! Chapter six is going into the queue as we speak :)

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Review #13, by AdinaPuff Chapter Five

14th March 2017:
Hi!

I really, really enjoy this story so far. Chloe is developing so well, and honestly there's just so many questions and the plot right now is so thin, I'm just anxious to find out where this is going. From the prologue, it's obvious that a lot is meant to happen, and I really just cannot wait for you to update so I can find out! I love how you've characterized everyone so far, particularly Peter. He's just always kind of there, the only one amongst the Gryffindors that Chloe ever interacted with, which makes so much sense. It all fit so well. I love Sirius too, and I am so angry at him for how he's treated Chloe so far. Obviously, I ship them, and can't wait to see how their relationship develops.

This is so good so far!!! Please please please update soon!

Leigh xx

Author's Response: Hiya!

Thanks so much for taking the time to review! This story is still in the fledgling stages, completely open to edits, any feedback is appreciated :)

Hooboy, you are right, this plot is eventually going to get ridiculously thick. I tend to get an idea for a fic and just go for it until there are, like, twelve sub-plots going on. So get ready for that!

Peter is really important to this story--if not just because so many fics don't give him the time of day and I wanted to change that. But they're two sides of the same coin, Peter and Chloe. They're both on the sidelines of the real heart of the group, in a lot of ways, and both end up in a situation with the War that they hadn't wanted.

Yes! Sirius, at this point, is so irritating to me as a character, haha. He's fun and loyal (literally a dog) but obnoxious. To somebody as self-conscious and rule-abiding as Chloe, it's frustrating. I'm excited to explore how they both grow as people and mature. That goes for everyone in this fic!

The next chapter is written, but needs some tweaking. Things definitely take a turn, I'll say ;)

Thank you! ♥


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Review #14, by Agirlnamedjen Chapter Four

28th February 2017:
Hello again,

Please stop worrying I think it has a really good progression- it reads like a story, not just filler.

I'm currently writing a novel at the moment, however, and I know exactly what it feels like. You just have to make sure you only include things that are important to the story and I really don't think you could of cut any of this out.

Like I said before, this story is really good, a different storyline to the usual and I'm looking forward to seeing how it becomes AU and splits away from Rowlings creation.

Hoping for an update soon and I've fave'd for later ;)

Xxx

Author's Response: Hey!

Haha, thank you for the reassurance. My last fic was a humor fic and, honestly, I didn't think anyone was going to read it so I just kind of word-vomited every chapter. They were all interesting and fast-paced and fun and, in a lot of ways, unrealistic. But this story has been plotted and premeditated to the point of having three possible endings (I still can't choose, eep!) and I worry that the lack of a fast pace will lose readers' interest. Plus I need, like, constant reassurance about my writing. Oy vey. So thank you for being so insistent ;)

Your words about only including things that are important to the story have resonated with me in the weeks since I've read this review. So thank you! It's crucial to remember, especially because, as I mentioned, my last fic started off as more fluff and fun than quality content.

Thank you so much! Chapter five has been validated and most of chapter six is already written ♥


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Review #15, by Agirlnamedjen Chapter Three

28th February 2017:
I didn't think this chapter was slow at all- it really gives the reader a good impression of each of the characters. It flows well and has a good inclusion of speech and descriptive writing so keeps the audience engaged.

I also really like your writing style and the silly details you include like the Slughorn moustaches- really funny and it adds a sense of realism to the story.

I'll start reading the next one now!

Author's Response: Hey there! Thank you for your review!

I'm glad that this chapter flowed well. Most scenes that depict the everyday activities of Hogwarts students make me nervous, because we've read countless instances as fic readers. I'm always searching for ways to keep them fresh and interesting because they've been done *so* many times. That's why I was concerned about this chapter--so thank you for your reassurance!

Yes, Marlene drawing Slughorn mustaches on all of the illustrations was a fun little part to write. I want to make it clear that she's very much a part of the group--and even a driving force, in many ways--without the "Female Marauder" stereotype. She's honestly my favorite character to write about so I'm glad that she's accepted so well!



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Review #16, by dreamgazer220 Chapter One

20th February 2017:
Hey Sarah! I'm here with your review ♥

Okay so I'm super excited to see that we're going to go back into their Hogwarts years, at least for this particular chapter. I loved both Emily and Chloe; both characters have very strong voices, and it made me so mad that Emily ended up feeding her to the wolves. I also like that you broke house stereotype there. I'm assuming they're both Hufflepuffs, but it's also like Peter Pettigrew and Gryffindor; not everyone is textbook definition of their House, and I really, really liked how you showcased that here.

Again, your descriptions and language are fantastic. It was very easy to picture everything that was going on, although the only time I was mildly confused was when they were carving the mark, so to speak. However, I think it works for this story because it's told in first person, and Chloe wouldn't know immediately what was happening to her - only that something hurt.

I know we're not supposed to, but I don't like Michael Flint. I can't help but wonder if he targeted them for a reason or just because they're Hufflepuff muggleborns? Either way, I really liked how this chapter fit so easily into pre-War at Hogwarts. Voldemort's followers might not have infiltrated yet, but there are definitely Purebloods like Flint and Macnair who would still feel strongly about the muggleborns being there.

You asked about Chloe's characterization in your request, and again, I really enjoyed her. She had a bit of humor in this chapter and I felt for her when she was betrayed by her cousin. I'm curious to see how that's going to affect their relationship. Emily also reminds me of one of the girls from a Jane Austen novel; kind of gossipy and interested in boys. She actually reminded me a bit of Lydia Bennet, to be honest :)

Flow here was good. Even though it was a longer chapter, it was really easy to read because it captured my attention the entire time. And the descriptions again were great as was dialogue. You had a good mix of short and longer paragraphs that helped balance things out.

I'm SO HAPPY that Sirius (and I'm guessing Marlene?) rescued her! That seems like such a natural way for them to get close and I love how he's just James Potter's friend to her at the moment. It makes a lot of sense and I can't wait to see how this develops.

And the end was perfect. It was chilling and dramatic with enough intrigue to get a reader to the next chapter to see what happens next.

Overall this was another fantastic chapter. Thank you for the request! I'm really excited to see where you take this.

♥Jill

Author's Response: Hi, Jill! Here you are leaving me such a lovely and thoughtful review (that I, um, REQUESTED from you!!!) and it's taken me this long to respond. Please forgive me for being trash. You and your feedback are so greatly appreciated!

Yes, you are hitting the nail right on the head by comparing Emily to Peter (and even Chloe). I can't count how many times I've harped on this in previous responses, but this story is going to be expelling what I believe has become folklore around the Marauders. They're martyred because they died and we loved their characters, but they were certainly flawed. At the same time, yes, Peter betrayed his friends. But for those of us who have never been put under such a situation, I don't think we can really say what we would do under the threat of torture or murder. So Emily betrayed her cousin here--but do we write her off as a monster?

I'm glad you mentioned being confused about drawing the mark! I wanted to leave a little mystery, because Chloe doesn't even realize, until the end, that it's an actual letter "M." But maybe the entire scene was a little confusing. I definitely want it to be clear that Michael is using his wand as a weapon to burn Chloe's skin. I'll have to go back and make sure that it's clear enough!

Technically, Michael was targeting Emily, and the attack was originally meant for her. Unfortunately it was just because she is a Muggle-born. He probably felt that she would be an easy target, too, because she is frivolous and eager to be accepted, and he recognized the power he could have over her. You're totally right about her being like one of the Bennett girls! Especially Lydia. Omg and Michael is such a Wickham, but, times like one thousand and with way worse intentions. And I'm glad that this seemed to fit into the Pre-War canon. Obviously Chloe has heard of Voldemort, and associates a general bad feeling with him, but she's so far separated from it (at this point) that it's just a name.

Yes! The way that Chloe met Marlene and Sirius is very important to the story. She feels, and will feel for years, indebted to them--particularly Marlene. It's essential in creating the strange power dynamic between them as friends. I won't go too into it, but you're right to point it out!

Thank you again, Jill, so much. I apoogize again for taking so long to respond. Your reviews are always so thoughtful and I love to read them!





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Review #17, by scintillated Chapter Four

19th February 2017:
wow, this was great! i'm a little sad that i didn't get to see much of chloe and marlene's development, but then i just think back to the prologue where marlene dies and they haven't been speaking for a month and cry. that's the thing about an AU, you don't know how it ends!

also, i feel like you're setting up this war quite nicely. like you know the supporters are out there, and they're slowly getting more and more brazen. question, though - who knows about the full extent of chloe's attack? because surely madam pomfrey saw when she was healing chloe, so did she tell dumbledore? are those the only people that know?

and i actually really liked the sirius scene! it was written very well, and it just makes me like sirius that bit more. honestly, every time i think of these marauders-era characters, i get sad. because all i can think of is that sirius, cooped up in the house he just got exiled from. but that's a testament to your writing, that i can compare him with the sirius from canon.

cannot wait for the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you for mentioning that you want to see more of Chloe and Marlene's development. In another attempt to eschew traditional Marauder fics, I plan for the bulk of the story to take place after graduation. (In my experience, most of the fics focus on their time at Hogwarts, but I could be wrong here). So I glossed over their initial friendship-building interactions because there is *so* much to cover in this story, and I'm trying to keep the scenes that are entirely about relationship building to a minimum. So we see their friendship as they're studying, but we also are learning about Chloe's relationship with her parents and the attacks on the Muggle rights activist. And with Sirius's scene, we're learning that he was banished from his home.

Don't worry, though, they still have to come back for their Seventh Year, when we will see Chloe get much closer to them as a group.

I'm all about spoiling things for you in these reviews, eh?

You're asking some good questions that need clarification! I'm adding them to my editing notes :D So Madame Pomfrey and McGonagall were specifically mentioned, regarding trying to talk to Chloe about the attack. It's implied that McGonagall mentioned it to Dumbledore, because it's a serious offense, but I don't think Dumbledore would approach her. I usually explore Whimsical!Dumbledore with his socks and Christmas poppers and Bertie Botts in my fic, but this time I want to explore his flaws (as I will with all of the martyred HP characters). Anwyay, because Chloe is refusing to talk about who attacked her, there isn't much they can do. Or maybe they're dropping the ball and should be more proactive in helping her during her PTSD and her inability to talk about it. (Pssst, this is an allusion to sexual assault, and the lack of follow-through by authority, and perpetrators walking free. But I didn't want to write a sexual assault scene for obvious reasons.) But back to the attack--something that happens in canon will happen in their Seventh Year that will revisit this theme.

Yes! Sirius! As I mentioned, he and Chloe are far too early on in their friendship to be much more than an awkward run-in here and there, but this at least allowed her to glimpse into his personality a little better. She has known in the back of her mind that the Blacks are bigoted, and probably associated him with that subconsciously, so this was a good moment for her to understand that he doesn't stand for those beliefs.

Thank you so much, I really cannot tell you how exciting it was to see all of these reviews! I'm stuck halfway through the next chapter, but hopefully I have something to show you all soon!




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Review #18, by scintillated Chapter Three

19th February 2017:
wow, this was great! i know that in the prologue, chloe mentioned that marlene was her best friend of six years, so i'm excited to see the development happening. i actually love chloe's character so much; she's not the typical heroine, full of bravery and courage and all that - she's flawed, and she's real. and it's really refreshing to read, you know?

on another note, the sirius/chloe interaction. i liked it, but honestly, not as much as the chloe/marlene one. i actually hope any buildup doesn't happen until later - me, being the cynical anti-romance person i am in real life, of course. i just think that chloe needs to build herself up more before any real romance can happen. of course, that's my opinion, and you, as the author know much more about her than i do! this was a great chapter, though, i loved it!!

Author's Response: You're so right about Chloe's character. She is *not* brave in the traditional, Gryffindor sense of the word--which is why I chose to place her in another house from the Marauders. She is deeply frightened of the War and doesn't exactly join the Order of her own accord (but I don't want to spoil anything.) Her bravery is going to come out in another, softer way as the story goes on.

The scenes with Marlene are my absolute favorite. She's such a driving force of this fic, and Chloe is completely enamored with her in a way. She's everything that Chloe isn't, but they form a friendship through those differences.

And I think your response to the Chloe and Sirius scene is spot on! I mentioned in my last response that this fic is going to span 20 years. If I had to describe their relationship at this point in the story, it would be that Chloe finds him confusing. Obviously he's cute--the whole school thinks so--but she's troubled by his Devil May Care attitude and his arrogance. As for the slow burn, it will be the slowest of slow, and might not even amount to anything.

Thank you! ♥


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Review #19, by scintillated Chapter One

19th February 2017:
oh my goodness, this was amazing! like i mean this completely genuinely: your writing was absolutely gorgeous. i'm not sure if they're exactly in wartime yet, but this chapter certainly captures the buildup perfectly. poor chloe! but honestly, i love this chapter so much. it's amazing, especially the end. it was so dramatic - the m for mudblood.

there's so many compliments i could give you about this chapter, but it would take forever to write them all. just know this - it was absolutely amazing!

Author's Response: YOU ARE SO KIND.

I was nervous about this chapter, and the "action scene," but it seems to have gone over well in general? And Michael Flint won't be in the forefront of this fic, as it will span 20 years, but something about him as a character is alluring to me. He's a horrible person but I just love to write about him. I can just see his face so clearly. Actually I imagine him as Tom Sturridge, if you're curious ;)

Thank you, again!



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Review #20, by scintillated Introduction

19th February 2017:
this story is great! i love marauders era, and after a while, you just get tired of canon, you know? so i can't wait to see the other ways that this differs from canon.

now, i could talk about your writing for years. it's beautiful, and i love it. like this paragraph about marlene's death:

"It wasnít how it was with the news of Lily and James. The room wasnít spinning; I didnít have to run and be sick in the bin. It felt like the walls were expanding around me, or like I was growing smaller. The silence was becoming a sound itself, a kind of pressure in my eardrums."

it's simple in a way, but it's so powerful. and this was a really good introductory chapter, as a whole - i cannot wait to read the next chapter.

Author's Response: Wow, you are so kind! Thank you so much for all of these reviews!

"you just get tired of canon, you know?" Haha, I sure do! Like I said, it *has* been done before, and well done. I thought the only way to make Chloe's story interesting was to divert canon by the fact that she exists around these characters. There's no telling how hugely or insignificantly she will change things, at this point (as in I haven't quite decided that. I have two very different endings planned.)

Ahhh thank you so much! I spent the last three+ years writing a humor fic and, while it was challenging and fun and I love it dearly, this voice and narration style is much more my speed. I'm glad that it reads well!

These reviews brightened my day. Sorry it took me so long to respond! I really appreciate them.



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Review #21, by Illuminate Introduction

17th February 2017:
Hi! Here for your long overdue review!

I love the idea of butterfly effect that you mention in your author's note. Definitely a gripping idea.

I know this is an introduction, but so far the pacing is very good, though I think it will probably be something you'd like me to focus on more if you rerequest for further chapters.

I like your characterisation. It looks like she has an interesting family life and relationship with her parents. I find myself curious about her! Good job! :)

So, so far I think this is very enjoyable! Well done!

Author's Response: HERE FOR YOUR LONG OVERDUE RESPONSE WOW

Thanks for taking the time to read. Glad to hear that everything reads smoothly for now. I tend to info-dump in the first chapter and tried hard to "ask more questions than I answered" here. Chloe's relationship with her parents will be a crux of this story, for sure.

Thank you! ♥


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Review #22, by StarFeather Chapter Three

24th January 2017:
I remembered you told me that you would update this chapter, so I stopped by. I'm convincing that I was right that I nominated this story for Dobbys.

The first start began with Chloe's scarf. Her itchy scarf around her neck was her only comfort to survive PTSD. We can't stop wishing that she would not be targeted by the evil Slytherins again and I hope their bullying her will be founded soon. And at the same time I know the things would not go that easy.

Your introduction of Peter Pettigrew was so natural that I could imagine how young Peter was like, his ability to "make any person feel outgoing and charismatic" must have made him such a role after he became an adult, even he could make Voldemort feel like that. Not only Peter, you did create the other characters vividly. Walden Macnair might have had such a skeletal frame and onion-white hands, so scary to imagine those hands tortured Chloe. Your descriptions of Coraline and Artemisia are super, too. Some of the Slytherin girls must be like them, their robes were finer than the ones of Muggle- borns and they could afford those expensive earrings and heirloom lapel pins.

Chloe had a chance to confess everything to Professor Sprout. But she couldn't. They must be watching her, the threatening letter let her tell a lie.
The situation how to find her partner at Slughorn's class was so complicated for her. She needed to avoid Emily who betrayed, and she felt uneasy around Sirius written as a cool guy. Most of the girls are attracted to the guy who is notorious, would have been lighting a cigarette.
I like the way how you portrayed Marlene, her piercing blue-gray stare and her mischievous smile, moreover she offered to be Chloe's friend shyly after she handed a tied-up napkin full of food. She's a good observer of Chloe.

I can't wait how they will be best friends and how they and the other Marauders plus Lily Evans will become a good team to face the bad Slytherins.

Author's Response: Hey Kenny!

I know I've already gushed about this, but thank you so, so much for nominating this fledgling story for a Dobby. That's such an honor!

It is definitely a struggle to write a character with PTSD. I want to explain the difficulty of everyday life for her, but also convey that her fear has become a kind of background noise. It's so persistent that it's almost like another part of her day, until something happens (like seeing the Slytherins in the corridors, or being near the Potions classroom) that spikes her anxiety. And I'm glad you mentioned the scarf! Chloe struggles with balancing her magical life with her Muggle parents, and items like this scarf knitted by her Grandmum, are going to be constant reminders of that struggle.

I am actually excited to explore Peter and Chloe's relationship. It's easy to write Peter off as bad from the start, and some authors ignore him completely in Marauders fics. But he and Chloe are actually in a similar position of being on the outside of the Marauders (definitely Chloe moreso than Peter). James, Sirius and Remus are a tight unit and Peter was always trailing along with them. He and Chloe will actually have a lot in common, that way.

I'm glad the situation in the Potions classroom was alright. I had to be careful with language and really punch how terrified Chloe is of being near Emily. Otherwise it seemed like a melodramatic Teen Comedy situation, like "oh no I don't have any friends to sit next to in class! How awkward!" So hopefully it steered far away from that.

Honestly I am 70% annoyed by Sirius as a character, especially younger Sirius. I imagine he loved being the center of attention, and played the part of the rebel, etc. etc. etc., and I think Chloe sees right through that as well. The fact that she is irritated at him "wasting his parents' money and his professors' time" by being such a derelict says a lot about their relationship. But this story will span twenty years, and right now I'm having fun focusing on the rocky start to their friendship.

Thank you again, Kenny! Your reviews are always so thoughtful.


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Review #23, by ataxaphobia Chapter Three

19th January 2017:
I am 100% hooked. It's different that your other stories but in a good way.

Author's Response: Hey there! Thank you so much. Comments like this are very motivating because it's always stressful (at leat for me) starting a new story. Thank you for the encouragement! I've written the next chapter but it's missing something. Will update soon, though ♥

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Review #24, by Allie Chapter Two

8th January 2017:
This has really caught my attention so far! I'd love an update soon :)

Author's Response: The next chapter is in the queue. Thanks for reading!

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Review #25, by dreamgazer220 Introduction

31st December 2016:
Hi there! Here with your requested review!

Wow. To be honest, I wasn't sure what I was expecting when I opened this story up, but it wasn't that, and I mean this in the absolute best possible way.

This is a powerful introduction. At first, it seems normal, someone waking up early and making breakfast, and then you get hit with the James and Lily paragraph and I'm immediately drawn in. I want to know what happened and why she appears to feel so guilty or just awful about something. She's lying, and I want to know why. I want to know why her mother doesn't like the magical world. I want to know about her relationship with Sirius and the Potters, and I can't even imagine what it's like, finding out that your best friend is dead.

Your writing in this is great; it played like a movie in my mind. I could feel the cold and I could see everything happening. There is clearly more to your characters than what meets the eye, and those are my absolute favorites.

It does start off a bit slow, but I think it works here; especially when you drop the bomb, so to speak, about Marlene; everything else picks up right from there. The descriptions are lovely and not overbearing or overly poetic; there's a good balance here.

An excellent start to this story. I'm adding this to my favorites so that I can come back and read more, but please feel free to re-request the following chapters as well!

♥Jill

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for taking the time to review, and I'm so sorry it took me ALMOST A MONTH to respond. Who do I think I am? Seriously, I appreciate this so much, your review is so lovely and thoughtful.

I'm so glad that this chapter has been generally successful (at least with reviewers)! Usually I end up doing an "information dump" in my first chapter, so I was actively trying not to this time.

I wanted to start with a scene that was outwardly calm and somber (wintry morning, childhood home, gray light, mundane tasks like making breakfast) but disperse little hints of the awful events that have been happening. First, her mother's illness, second, Lily and James and lastly Marlene. I'm glad that it played well in your mind. Without spoiling too much I want to say that this fic is going to deal a lot with Chloe straddling the line between two worlds, the Magical and Muggle, and how it affects her relationships with her family, Marlene, Sirius--everyone. So scenes like this feel calm and safe, outwardly, because they're far removed from the war. But clearly, as evidenced by Sirius's letter, she won't ever be truly in one world and not the other.

Thank you so so much, Jill! I may request another review from you, if I'm allowed after being such a jerk and never responding ♥


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