2016-03-28 10:40:18

So, I'm here for capture the flag!

I really liked this little scene, it worked so well! It was an interesting format with just the dialogue but I thought it really worked. I was wondered how Obliviators went about approaching muggles about their wizard sightings as it must be a bit tricky for them really. I think its a nice little concept for a story, something a bit different though so well done your creative mind for creating this!

I really like your characterization of your character, Mrs Hamilton. She felt quite realistically like she could be anyones slightly nosey neighbour but she was quite likeable too. I love how British it is to just offer someone a cup of tea whatever you're at someone's house. I do it to all my guests too! The Obliviator is lucky that Mrs Hamilton is such a good hostess!

I really wonder what the wizards were doing in her garden as you said they got the wrong house but I would love to know what they were up to. I love the idea of wizarding stag parties, there is a story there but I don't know where you're going with this yet but it really does make rather interested. I'm assuming the ginger haired boys were weasleys who else!

I thought the ending reminded me of men in black with their clicker in that! Xo
Hey! Lost Muse here with your challenge review.

I absolutely loved this. You have a strong entry here. I really enjoy the unique writing style though it takes a bit getting the hang of. Your portrayal of Mrs Hamilton, George and Angelina is all lovely. I really like how they've all become friends. The entire premise of this story is very good and interesting and I'm excited to see where things proceed. Had a great time reading this!

I've been meaning to leave this review for you since I first read the chapter so excuse my slowness. First of all, in the story summary I noticed "Being the next-door neighbor of a living legend does have its disadvantages" but I think if we are being perfectly honest here, Danielle is the real living legend. Now that's cleared up, on to the review!

"Now let’s get some water, the Asteraceae look frightful today" I can't tell you exactly why this line is my favorite but it's probably because I'm a big old nerd that loves the proper taxonomic names. Danielle is just my absolute favorite character and I picture her just walking around holding a conversation with all of her flowers like it's completely normal.

Sweet shy little baby James just melts my heart. Almost as much as sweet understanding Danielle. Not all old people are like that. Some get high and mighty about children being shy (ie. my relatives).

George not recognizing Madonna is hilarious. Not to mention Friends! Though truth be told, I've never watched the show either, but I at least recognize the references! The wizarding world is too sheltered! If they are going to survive they need to adapt and blend!

Being stuck in my American mindset when he said it was 30 degrees I thought fahrenheit and I was so confused! Like yeah, it's freezing! Grab some tea! But then I realized that was celsius (like the rest of the world) and that would be miserable tea weather. I could really go for some chocolatey chocolate cake right about now. Even some tea even though it's got to be close to 30 degrees here. Celsius. Not the dumb system I'm stuck with. Do I sound bitter? I'm bitter.

I think you've just done such a wonderful job creating such a dynamic, interesting relationship between George and Danielle. They really complement each other and they are so entertaining to read. She's the epitome of sass. I love every single line she has. Oh my god, the blue teeth. Between his lack of muggle knowledge and her age, they are beyond hilarious.

Are you trying to break my heart with the whole "take a joke thing"? Because you're seriously breaking my heart. I want it to get better for him because no one should have to carry that kind of pain around. Especially not anyone so lovely. I hope he finds some sort of peace. As usual, I can't wait for the next chapter! It's bound to be wonderful!
2016-03-28 10:40:18
Interesting first chapter. Got to say this dialogue writing is pretty fun even if it takes me a second to sort out the characters as I read.
2016-03-28 10:40:18
Hey Jo!

I thought I'd come over and leave you a review, just as a little thank you for your help with my icon size issue. You're such a gem! Anyway, I thought I'd dash over and check out your AP, and let me tell you, I thoroughly enjoyed this. What a cute idea! Mrs. Hamilton--sorry, Danielle--was so funny! I mean, the best thing is how calm she was about everything. Like, "Well, I thought I saw a car on the roof. And a giant canary. But I'm sure there's a logical explanation. Old eyes, you know." I always imagine Muggles being freaked out or launching into conspiracy theories when they see magic. But this was so much more amusing and, really, just as likely. Danielle is chill about it. It's fine. These mistakes happen. She's not even really worried. That's the best part! She just sounds like this delightful old lady who's maybe a little dotty, but is actually telling the truth. You wrote her so well.

Like, the insisting on tea and biscuits, saying that her son is always telling her to write down the details for insurance purposes--she sounds so wonderfully grandmotherly!

I also like what you've done here with the Obliviator. Starting with "Who is it?" "Your Obliviator". They don't even lie in the beginning! I guess they're about to erase the memory anyway, so what's the point? I'd love to see how that would go down at another house. Say, the Dursleys. "I don't *have* an Obliviator! I don't know what you're about, but we're not buying whatever it is you're selling. Get off my property!"

But, besides the comedic value, it also gives some insight. I mean, I always think of Obliviators as the Big Bad, but really here, they're helping her. Danielle is clearly getting on in years, and if her son heard her talking about these kinds of things, he'd probably think she was losing it! She could be hospitalized. Or maybe they would put her on dementia meds she didn't need. Something like that. For once, I see the Obliviators as not just serving the Wizarding community's interest, but also truly helping a Muggle. Danielle wasn't scared or even terribly perturbed, but here I can see it may well be for the best if she forgets this incident.

So, yes, this chapter was wonderfully amusing, but it also made the Obliviators seem more kindly than I usually perceive them.


It got out of the car with the boys and one of them clapped on its shoulder.
--it might be more correct to say "and one of them clapped it on its shoulder."

It might also be good to mention that it was a giant, like, human size canary. Canary creams, I'm guessing? But at first I was picturing a small bird, so it might help to have size described.

You’re wellcome Mrs. Hamilton
--"wellcome" should be spelled 'welcome"

Thank you again, Jo. I'm so glad that I stopped by to read this. It really made me smile.

Also, Deer Dinner. Oh my gosh. Actual laughing out loud :D

What a delight!

Haha, it gets better and better! You are quite talented at dialogue. I can tell the speaker is George without you even having to say it -- although the pizza a la Georgio did help. :) I suppose that makes the woman Angelina, then. I never really considered what she did for a living. I guess someone in the family has to be a little bit sane.

I'm a little bit confused by the end, though -- do Harry and Ginny live in 12 Grimmauld Place still? I hadn't thought that they stayed there. Of course, you can do whatever you like. I just hadn't realized it (although I probably should have by the description). Anyway, I'm not sure if I should be excited or scared by the fact that George is visiting dear Mrs. Hamilton...

Are you going to tell the whole story in only dialogue? That's pretty cool. I've never seen that done before. How long are you planning on making it?

Again, good job! Your characterization and dialogue are awesome. :)
2016-03-28 10:40:18
This is legitimately awesome. I love your Mrs. Hamilton; she's so grandmotherly. It's also cool to see how an Obliviation would look from a Muggle's perspective.

I must ask, though -- who is the canary? I feel as though I should recognize it (him?) from canon, but I'm not sure. Is it Teddy? Also, is the Obliviator anyone from canon, or is she an OC as well? What a life it must be, living in 13 Grimmauld Place. Or what a life it would be, if Mrs. Hamilton could remember any of it. :)

Also, I think it's interesting that you chose not to use any quotation marks. You don't need them, since the entire story is dialogue, but it's not something I would have thought of doing.

Anyway, good job! Mrs. Hamilton is very lovable and the dialogue is very believable and smooth. I don't believe I have any CC for this. :)

Hi again! It's me. It's always me.

"But how can you resist tomato sauce and cheese? Lots of cheese, and salami, … and pineapple, pickles, mushrooms, … What else?" I'm not judging or anything...but pickles? ON A PIZZA? That sounds blasphemous.

This is the exact behavior that I would expect from George Weasley. It sounds exhausting being with him, but also super fun and exhilarating. So it's totally worth it.

" She was just so desperate to have somebody to talk to … so frail and all alone in that huge overstuffed house – it’s full of pictures of her family, but I don’t think any of them ever come to visit …" YES! Look, you're the same person as me! I totally hate when people act this way towards their elder family members. I just don't understand it. I hate to think of anyone in the world being lonely.

I'm curious if the obliviator is Angelina? Or is it an OC? Or other canon? Until you confirm/deny, I'm going with Angelina.

George and his disgusting pizza is hilarious. Yeah, go ahead and order while you're having a row. You can see where his priorities lie!

"my fearless warrior woman" these are the kinds of pet names we need in relationships.

That's a phenomenal tagline. I've found your back up thing if dancing gets old. Companies will pay billions. Trillions even!

I love George so much for going and chatting with Mrs. Hamilton. I'm sure he has a million better things to do, but it is very thoughtful of him to take the time out of his busy schedule.

Alright. Where's the next chapter? I don't think I can wait forever! The dialogue was so well written and their relationship is the kind that I think everyone should be envious of. That's such a healthy relationship. I prefer someone you can laugh with instead of all drama all the time. It's meant to be easy. You did such a great job with characterization. THROUGH NOTHING BUT DIALOGUE TOO! That's real skill there.
Hello lovely!

I loved this dialogue! It's definitely one of your strongest skills. The voices are very distinct so it's obvious who is speaking without you having to tell me.

Poor old Mrs. Hamilton. She's a cute OC. She's just kind of losing it, but still apologetic for it and very polite. I like her a lot and hope to see more of her!

"You’re welcome dear. It was nice having someone to talk to." My little heart. I've taken to talking to older people anytime I get a chance (especially grocery shopping) because I think so many of them get lonely. Their grandkids never visit enough and their kids are always busy. That was near and dear to my heart.

OH MY GOD, I'm laughing so hard. Deer dinner. I mean...close enough, right?

I never really considered what the life of a obliviator must be like until I read this. I think a lot of daily jobs that wizards/witches have probably get over looked, but what a neat perspective! I actually think it would be a job I quite enjoy.

Overall, I loved the story and I can't wait to read more! It was excellently written, like all of your stories! :)


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