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Reading Reviews for Cursebreaking Hamunaptra
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Mr Penn Act II - Contract of Blood

14th December 2015:
Hello Zen, I am here for the review you had requested. I know it's late but I had my term papers and I thought I wouldn't be able to give the review proper justice if I tried to hurry through it.

The premise of this chapter is real cool. Hamunaptra and Bill Weasley? Are you kidding me? I can already imagine Domhnall Gleeson in place of Brandon Fraser. :D

Coming onto your story, it was really engrossing from the word go. It was really engaging and you managed to portray the feelings of the goblin populace towards the wizarding world too well.

Bill Weasley is coming across pretty consistent as he was in canon (I hope I made sense here). I mean he seems to have mellowed down quite a bit here; he was an extremely fun-loving character in the books. But I guess that is to be expected. I mean with age, losing a brother and then a subsequent divorce; all this has to take its toll on the man.

Bill and Fleur breaking up is kinda sad. I dunno I just loved that couple. He still has some feelings of affection towards her so I guess it was from her side.

Trying to describe the travails of a non-magical person in the wizarding world was rather cool. If you are keeping the Mummy series as your source material, I guess we are in for some fun reads in the future.

All in all, this seems to be a really promising start and I do hope to read the future chapters soon.

Thanks for bringing this story to my attention Zen. Feel free to re-request.

-Penn

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Review #2, by Gail Welin Act II - Contract of Blood

22nd November 2015:
Hi Zenzao!

I'm here from the forums with your follow-up review :)

First off, I want to let you know your answer has me very interested in Charlie as a Greenpeace agent, I'll make sure to give that other story of yours a look! Also, I love that you give so much thought into your character and explained why Evelyn is referred to as a hedgewitch! Thank you for that!
Then, let me finish the sentence I left open in my last review: [while] it gives the reader the opportunity to let their imagination run free in the parameters you set.
Now let's continue with the review at hand. ^^

"a sound like a choking cat partially submerged" oh, that had me laugh way too much - but it's just too hilarious when I remember my cat falling into the bubble bath and swimming out of the tub XD

"darker alleys in his head" gaah, I love it! ♥

"those two berks" It should probably be "these". I just love "berks". If it's a typo, please leave it like that because it's so cute and made me like Bill even more!
And my eyes turned into hearts when he said "They do say Cursebreaking takes a certain madness, ma'am."!!

"vertices of light, hitherto latticework, unfolded and gnawed a sunken hole into the wall" oh wow, so wordy - it took me a little while to understand the whole picture and I enjoyed looking up new words :p But I got stuck at the word "vertices"; what does it mean?

"The pallor they cast set the tone for what they illuminated, a small hoard of gems sitting atop of and occasionally buried inside of moldering stacks of paperwork everywhere, old charts yellowed with dust decades in the making, a desk of dark ivory that too resembled bone for her taste against the far wall." Alright, at the risk of souding ridiculous because I'm often told this: this sentence is too long. You could break it down in multiple sentences. Or use a semicolon ";" or a colon ":". Ex: "The pallor [...] illuminated: a small hoard [...] making and a desk" etc.

"sitting Indian style" is a bit odd as it's the American English way of saying it, have you tried "sitting cross-legged" or "tailor style"? :)
"Oh Atem" - I have no idea what this means :\
The description of the goblin confused me a bit because I did not immediately understand that the corpse wasn't one. It seemed like a corpse but was in fact the creature. The description itself is marvellous but the transition was a bit difficult for me.
I grinned at the fact that Bill cast a langlock on her, nice touch :D

"At last he drew forth a [...] and accepting the [...] for which they would sign, he turned the aged parchment over to scrawl in short, concise loops." Again, that's a darn long sentence. You could change "accepting" to "accepted", finish that sentence after "sign" and start a new one at "he turned". :)

"urge to comfort her, for she so clearly sought comfort in that moment, and he could not" the repetition of the word "comfort" breaks the flow a bit so you could change the second one to a synonym like support, encouragement, warmth, etc... Also, since he wants to comfort her but can't because the goblin is there, you could change the "and" to a "yet" or even "but" :)

I am a bit confused by the feather they use to sign - isn't it the same feather that draws Bill's blood as he writes? So wouldn't she feel pain when signing? I love that you brought forth that quill, it's a morbidly cruel item :D Which is why you could definitely add a few details about Evelyn using it for the first time :)

Also, at the begining of the second part, I thought they were on a boat and got confused as you referred to them as "camel riders" because the whole starts with "Midnight on an Egyptian sea" - did you mean a sea of sand or did you mean the way an Egyptian sea looks like under the colours of midnight?
I would really love some descriptions of the goblins riding camels!! :D

"I haven't learned everything that I know from them, but rather because of them." Oh, that's gorgeous ♥

"Might finally have earned a chocolate frog card by then" does Bill mean a specific card or does he mean a card in general? Because the latter would be a weird statement coming from a Weasley, you might want to add the name of a wizard like Cornelius Agrippa (in the first book, one of the cards Ron says he doesn't have) or anyone you feel like :p

Overall, I'm seriously crushing on Bill ♥ and I like the interactions between him and Evelyn. She's quite a stuck up, like a less "crazy" Irma Pince - I would love more mentions of her being a librarian or that she used to be one. I'm wondering when or if his wolfish traits will come up (you mentionned them when he talked about his scar) and how she'd react to that!
There were bits in need of more fleshing (this is more like the "skin and bones" of the chapter). Since I'm terrible at editing, I often apply for a beta-reader from the forums when needed and I recommend you try it out, you might like it ;)

The last sentence of your chapter was very ominous! I'm very much looking forward to the next chapter, feel free to re-request when it's up! :)

*Gee

Author's Response: Ah, thank you! I'm still piecing together Charlie's story- nothing available to the public yet- so it'll be a while before I can offer that up here.

I'm happy you're still enjoying Bill's character so far!

Vertice is just a fancier way of saying vertical. So vertical lines of light, previously concealed, began opening up into a hole.

Adjusted the sentence there and Indian to cross-legged.

"Oh Atem" > When I was thinking of what Evelyn might utter in shock, I had Anubis down first, tried Horus, then dug a little deeper. Atem(or Atum, Tem) is a God of Creation. I've changed it to Atum to be a little more specific.

Adjusted the goblin-corpse description some, as well as the other notes you made up to the end of the first section. Also added in a bit about the pain of the blood quill, though I think I'll take a little longer in the days ahead to add more finesse to the closing of this section.

I did indeed intend a sea of sand in the second section. I've added a few words to smooth that, and something for the goblins' rides as well. The frog card line was meant to show that Bill himself hasn't yet had one made despite his experiences - which may just change by the end of this fic, we may hope!

I'm sure we'll see Evelyn's past come up more shortly. I can't make any promises on theoretical wolfish traits, however ;)

Thank you for another great review! I go through so many rewrites that I don't think a beta could keep up with me! But I'll consider that before I go live with future chapters and stories in general, I appreciate the suggestion.


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Review #3, by Gail Welin Act I - Who, what, why, where?

20th November 2015:
Hi Zenzao!

I'm here from the forums with your requested review :) I've been looking forward to reading this as soon as I saw your form ~ I love both HP and the Mummy and it's awesome that you crossed the two, especially through a Weasley. ♥
From your Author's Note, what does DLP stand for? :p

I must admit, I was a bit surprised that Bill is the main character; I expected Charlie, since he's the adventurous one and all. Then I noticed just how unfair it was for Charlie to always have all the fun while Bill was stuck behind a desk job, bitterly living the divorced man's life. I felt so much pity for him (though I'm also happy for him; no one should ever get a fireball launched at their parts!) and by the end of this first chapter, I'm rooting for him to encounter the coolest kinds of adventures!

Here's my CC for this chapter:
You missed a closing quotation mark here "I beg your pardon?
"prying eyes and prying hands" could be reduced to "prying eyes and hands" but it's not disrupting the read in anyway so you don't have to :)
Although there are not many details on HP goblin names or HP goblins in general, I do think that the one you chose for this has a heavy Tolkien feel - not that it's a bad thing, there's never anything bad with Tolkien :p If you want to stick to a HP feel, you could lose the apostrophe and the "h"s in Igh’ruhk's name and reduce it to Igruk. If the pronunciation is what motivated you, then never mind me :)

"I trust that they also offer a reasonable security force?" - Oh, that had me snicker. That poor gal has no idea, it's no wonder Bill cracked and decided to help her. Seriously, picturing her alongside goblins wandering the desert is hilarious! :D

I just love your writing so far; you go straight to the point without descriptions that are unnecessary to the plot yet still with enough to paint a vivid picture, it makes the read smooth and enjoyable. And I just love the way he gets a drawer out and your description of it is brilliant! Secret drawers are the best ♥

Why is it that Evelyn know about the wizarding world (that I can accept pretty quickly considering her every days, haha) and Gringotts yet not about Goblins? I'm not saying it's not credible (heck, for all I know she'd just been looking for a curse breaker and her search lead her to Bill; on the way there she picked up a few tid bits of information without losing her cool) nor ma I saying that it's not funny, but it might be nice to have a short explanation.
I really like that this is "Act I", it frames the chapter very well as it sets the mind to a theatre piece which would give you as a writer a whole lot of wiggle room while

This was a very intruiging first chapter and a great read, feel free to re-request :)

*Gee

Author's Response: Thanks for the great review! This is actually my second time playing with these two fandoms, the original featuring Harry currently being in desperate need of revision before I upload it here.

DLP stands for one of Dark Lord (Potter, the forum | and Publishing, the original fiction anthology group run by Joe our editor). It was a sort of inside joke since this story was inspired by a prompt in the fanfic discussion area of the forum and I'm waiting on Joe for my returned antho5 draft critique.

I've got some fun plans for Charlie in another piece- as an agent of the Wizarding World's Greenpeace, under the cover of dragon specialist. Thus I used Bill as the adventurous curse-breaker in this one. I'm glad you're able to connect with Bill!

Correcting the errors you noted now! As for Igh, I wanted something that was liable to stumble Evelyn - Igruk seems a little too easy on the tongue.

Ah, thanks, I'm glad to hear the writing is good enough so far. I've always struggled not to be too verbose. As I think you'll see soon, Bill is full of little tricks like what he did to open the drawer. :D

Bill's choice of term for Evelyn is key here - she's not been raised a witch but more a muggle. She's got the talent, maybe, but she doesn't know much that she hasn't read about. I don't think she would have had much contact with the Egyptian magical government, let alone schooling, except in a similar way to the movie, where they keep discrete tabs on her. She's been learning a lot since she came into possession of the map and tried to hire the means of seriously investigating it, all the way to Bill's desk. Gringotts was pointed out to her not long after arriving at Parliament and getting redirected by an undercover Ministry member.

Thanks again for your wonderful review! I hope you enjoy where the story goes from here :)


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