Hey! Here for Slytherin Hot Seat!
This was certainly an interesting chapter. I chuckled at the name mix-up between James Potter and James Hesse. Poor Christine. After the letter fiasco, it's fun to see things brewing between her and Sirius.
Your characterisation of both James P. and Sirius is quite nice, and I like how you portray them. The plot is definitely headed in a good direction overall and I'm liking the story.
Your dialogue flows well and the narrative is good! Keep writing. I hope tp read the next chapter too. Good job!
Angie (Lost Muse)
Ah, of course James would win Chris over with food! I can see their relationship might finally be about to become a friendship!
And I wonder who sent that letter, hopefully we'll find out soon. I liked how you threw in some details, like the lip gloss, to give us some hints.
I really enjoyed this chapter, and the whole series so far, so I'll be interested to see where you take it!
Oooh, what's going to happen next?! It's taking all of my willpower to stop and review before reading the next chapter! I suppose if Sirius DID find out about the letter it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but I'm sure Chris would die of embarrassment anyway.
My only criticism of this chapter is that Chris and Sirius had a very short chat when she visited him in the hospital wing, and I think a bit more dialogue would have helped to develop their relationship and help us get to know more about them as a pair.
Anyway, since my only complaint is that there isn't more, great chapter!
It's me! Back again! :')
I really like how you're developing James's character, and I think it'll definitely pave the way for Chris's relationship with Sirius to improve too. I can understand why she might be feeling quite conflicted about him right now, I mean, does she believe violence is the answer to dealing with stupid purebloods? And even if she doesn't, she probably feels quite happy that James stood up for her right? And then add the fact that she's still angry at him for insulting her friend... There's definitely lots of conflict!
Good work! :)
Oh no! Poor Sirius. I wonder if Chris will visit him in the hospital wing?
It's nice to see James's character developing a bit, as his protectiveness over Sirius sort of redeems his awful cockiness a tiny bit!
I think Chris has a really strong voice, which made this chapter really fun to read! I also like how she's quite confident around James, and doesn't hesitate to mask her dislike of him. I hope she manages to harness that confidence around Sirius after a while!
Great Chapter :)
Ooh, Chris has just GOT to go to the game now! I hope James doesn't have anything sneaky planned though.
The way you slip in Chris's letters to James definitely gives your chapters some character, and its a really interesting way of telling the story. I definitely haven't seen it done before! Reminds me of all the notes I used to write to my best friend in class haha.
I like how the other marauders stepped in to diffuse the situation at the end, although I hope we're going to see a softer side of James before too long!
Hello! I came here because you're in the Slytherin Hot seat on the forums, and I'm so glad I did, this chapter was so entertaining!
Oh my gosh when I reached that final paragraph in Chris's letter to James I was just dying! How embarrassing, hahah. I'm glad James has spared Chris and not told Sirius yet.
I also loved how you wrote Sirius; the detention scene in particular was great! Turning the clock forward and sneaking out early seems exactly like something he would do! I can also easily imagine him defending other Gryffindors, and standing up to teachers, so the way he did that for Chris was definitely a good way to introduce their friendship.
I think you've established the story really well, as we now know about Chris's friends, family, her conflict with James and her crush on Sirius. Yet you've still left out enough details to keep us guessing about what might happen next. Does Sirius like her back? Will she straighten things out with her nasty siblings? Will James tell Sirius about the letter? I can't wait to read more and find out!
This is Gabbie from the forums here with your review and I am so sorry for the long wait. I was moving and then I just didn't have the time to get back to my review thread! I'm here now though! :D
So, I remember this story pretty well and I'm still kind of laughing at the mix up with the letters. I'm not sure how Chris is going to handle having that thrown back in her face after this chapter though.
It's pretty obvious that Sirius knows about it and the fact that James is making a point to be a prat, only makes me laugh/cringe. I think that you started this chapter off on a good note though, Chris's parents are having another baby with non hairy legs and she may just get a chance to work through the "letter incident".
I actually had something similar happen to me when I was in school and I can tell you, I never lived it down and have an awful nickname because of it. Hahah.
What I liked here was that Chris's relationships with Kelly and her friend James came off as very realistic. They have a great banter and the trials of school, love and all of those other things just came across nicely.
Why do I have a feeling that James and Sirius have something planned for that Quidditch match? Hm. I guess I'll have to keep on reading! ;)
s.s.s here with your final snowflake-y review!
"It could be possible that the person who wrote this letter could be the lip gloss thief!" I felt like we were detectives in a mystery/crime novel.
^ahaha! the lip gloss thief! it's so cute that they figure it out from pink glitter in the corner, almost like a parody of a serious crime drama.
i was a little confused about the james(es) in this chapter. it's james h. who interrogates the girls about lipgloss, or james p?
it's so sweet how james p. takes chris to the kitchens after hearing her stomach growl! am i mistaken, or is there a little friendship, maybe even romance, developing between them? it was really nice in this chapter that chris starts to realize that james p. has a good side. i think it's true to canon that james would treat the house elves well. i love how you've written that he knows all their names.
ah, and poor chris! i felt bad for her when flitwick basically had her sit on the bleachers after she was so proud!
i'm really intrigued by the relationship you're developing between chris and james p. and how it will affect her relationship with sirius! keep writing you crystalline, melty sky-jewel (i'm kind of out of snowflake descriptions...)
i totally didn't expect chris to slap james! i thought they were gradually coming to an understanding! i feel like james wouldn't really tell sirius, but he just doesn't understand how mean he comes across to chris, and that this isn't something she wants to joke around about. maybe a slap will help him understand how his swagger affects others?
also, what's this about rumors and this super mean letter? is one of the slytherins interested in sirius and therefore starting rumors about her? or it rabastan trying to get back at her? so many questions!
i love this line: " I don't know why it took so long for him to get better, but rumour says a Slytherin slipped a Podger's Poo Potion into his meds. I definitely wasn't going to bring that up."
^ahahhaha! so good! a very marauders-esque joke to make.
with hugs and flurries,
hello s.s.s. it's your s.s.s.
i'm sooo glad james p. punched rabastan in the nose! hit 'em again! but for real, i really like that you resolved some of the tension between james p. and chris by having him fight for blood equality on her behalf. it's a very james action to not stand for that kind of malarky. plus, i'm glad that chris won't think he's a complete jerk anymore. it's really nice to see another side of james that isn't all arrogance.
(and i'm totally hoping that james p. and chris getting along means more sirius action in the future!)
oh! and i love the little details you've included about chris' unusual sandwiches! that's a great detail that really rounds out a character, plus it's kind of funny seeing what she comes up with. personally, i think bacon, sweet potato and mustard sounds pretty good! haha- it's fun and creative, even if it isn't tasty.
you've got a typo in the second line, a sentence just ends.
""That's not true, Professor McGonagall. Lestrange dishonoured me and my family, not to mention my tainted blood. All Potter did was defend me, Professor." I stood up as well, my almost filled parchment lain forgotten."
^it's a small detail, but i think in this line you should italicize or put quotes around 'tainted blood' or mention something about chris' tone when she says those words, so the reader doesn't get the impression that she has such low self-esteem that she believes what rabastan said.
with secret geometrically perfect ice patterns of love,
s.s.s. back again!
oh no! what happened to Sirius!? the sirius you're writing is so squeal worthy. i love all the altruistic actions he preforms for his friends.
the way chris narrates sirius' actions in her head is pretty cute. you can tell she's kinda of joking and kind of serious in the way she adores him and thinks everything he does is amazing. i wonder if there will ever be a time when she looks at some of his actions and doesn't see perfection?
looking forward to seeing how james torments chris in detention.
the only thing i'd say about this chapter is it's a little short. you could maybe expand the quidditch game by narrating chris' concern about sirius' injury or asking her friends what happened and move the detention scene to the next chapter.
happy holidays you unique and one-of-a-kind extraordinary snowflake!
hello my special, singular, specific snowflake!
this is a great line: "It is a widely known and accepted fact that education is occasionally a burden."
definitely made me laugh out loud!
i was kind of surprised when chris told kelly about her crush, but i hope it means they'll continue to become closer! it's so sad and little funny that kelly got a troll on her charms OWL. poor thing!
james potter is such a jerk! i've read a lot of fics where sirius is the immature, mean one and james is a total golden boy, so i really appreciate that you're writing james as kind of a bully. it's very true to the canon, though it still came as a surprise when james p. insulted james h. james h. was so classy about it though!
i'm a little curious about where lily is? is she one of the girls in christine's dorm? do they talk?
looking forward to the quidditch game and some more cute moments between sirius and chris!
your slytherin snowflake friend
hello there! i'm your super secret slytherin snowflake, dropping by for a review!
you've done a good job of introducing Just Chris to the reader. we learn a lot about her in this chapter- we know what her grades are like, who her siblings are and how she relates to them, who her best friend is, and of course, that she's crushing on sirius black.
i thought the "marauder's test" was a clever inclusion. with sirius there's a tendency to characterize him as a kind of a jerk and a philanderer, but you were able to create a realistically kind sirius by explaining that his short lived relationships are due to his pact with his friends.
kudos on including an lgbtqa character, i always appreciate diversity representation in fics. in this first chapter, james h. is a little one-dimensional. to avoid falling back on sterotypes, try to explain the source of his behaviors and include facets of his personality that aren't directly related to his sexual orientation.
i like the antagonism you've set up between chris and james and am looking forward to more prickly (and funny) interactions between them.
happy holidays special snowflake!
Hey there! I felt terrible for having skipped you in my requested reviews thread so I'm dropping by for a quick, random, informal review *hugs*
I think this was a great chapter to start off your story with! Christine's characterisation is very good, and I kinda feel sorry for her. The mix up is a little bit funny though. And I love how you've written Sirius here and included him in the situations. Your dialogues and descriptions are very good and I had a very nice time reading it! The story definitely seems interesting! I'd love to see how thing unfold.
great going, keep writing!
Angie (lost muse // aditidraco95)
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I totally don't mind and I very much appreciate any type of crit. :)
I was hoping people would like Christine. I didn't want her to be very clichÃƒÂ© but I was also worried about developing her well. I'm glad you like Sirius. I was concerned about my portrayal of the canon characters as well. Thanks for the review and this really made my day. :)
It's Plums here with your requested review :) I must say that for a first timer, you're doing well. I remember my first fic was horrible, but the same can't be said for this.
The writing style is consistent. I see you've opted for the more casual approach that is common on HPFF with an internal monologue serving as the backbone of the story in a rather Princess Diaries-esque fashion. Now there's nothing wrong with that, especially seeing as how you've used it in moderation. Chris' thoughts aren't overly dramatic in order to incite some laughter, but still managed to make me smile. There's a nice pace and flow to the chapter.
Anything to do with Sirius made me laugh.The fact that she constantly describes him as beautiful and her blatant adoration of him makes for some amusing lines. Take care not to overdo it, though. I think it should tone down as he continues to be in her company as she'll be more used to his presence.
I feel so embarrassed for her! I can't imagine how I'd react if the best friend of my crush found out that I fancied said best friend, especially if the best friend was James Potter. You've got his more arrogant side down really well (for example: "All the more reason for you to let yourself bask in my glory.") and have mixed it with the funnier side nicely like when he teases her.
I'm glad Sirius doesn't like being called Siri. I dislike it too :P I feel like it just came out of the blue and I never took to it.
In terms of criticism, my biggest one is more of a word of warning at this point: be careful with James H. There may be some people who find the stereotype you've based him off as offensive and won't appreciate the thought that to fancy a boy, you have to be feminine. I'm sure you're not doing that, but you don't want to be too cliche just in case.
I don't think I saw any major typos or mistakes in the chapter aside from this paragraph. I've added my corrections inside [these].
I was studying quietly in the library, although school only started a couple weeks ago. James H., the stupid Ravenclaw, [was] such a terrible influence on me. Rather than studying, I could be spending my weekend…no, it [was] official. I [had] no life and definitely nothing else to do.
I hope this helps! Have fun writing. :)
Author's Response: Sorry I didn't reply sooner! I was actually on a trip for a while. :/
Is the pacing nice? I wasn't very sure, haha. I'm glad you like Chris. I'm actually trying to make sure she seems just like a normal girl, not too overly unique or anything.
You're right; I should tone down her adoration for Sirius. I can't believe I didn't think of that sooner.
I definitely need to rewrite James H. a bit. I didn't realise he was starting to become stereotypical, so I'll have to change that.
Thanks for catching my mistakes, and thanks for the review! It's very helpful.
This is Gabbie from the forums here with your review and I'm sorry that I'm late! :D
God, I feel really sorry for Christine. I don't even think that I would even be able to lift my head after something like this. What's great for her though is the fact that she didn't put anything really mushy in her letter because I'm pretty sure that James would have used that against her. Hahahaha.
I think the mix up is actually pretty funny though and I wonder how she's going to eventually tell Sirius about her feelings for him. I think that James means well on one hand but he's a prat on the other so I'm kind of wondering how this is going to turn out. Sirius seems like an okay guy here though and I'd like to see the two of them getting closer, if that's possible without everyone else's input.
I think my only thing with this chapter is that you could have set up your scenes a bit better, your characters are strong and your grammar is fine but adding a bit more detail could help. I think that that's really all it needs and maybe some background on your characters to flesh them out more but this seems like it's going to be a funny journey for Christine and her friends. Judging by this ending, nothing is going to go as planned. Hahahah.
Author's Response: Hi Gabbie! Thanks for the review!
I don't think Christine is like one of those very mushy girls, you know? I mean, she is kind of obsessed with Sirius, but she knows how to keep her cool.
I don't know how I'm going to write when she tells Sirius how she feels. :/ If she tells him. ;)
James can be really annoying, but he has a good heart.
I'll be sure to add more detail when I can.
Once again, thanks so much for the review, Gabbie!
Hello! I'm here with your requested review :)
I really like the premise of this and how a letter detailing Christine's feelings got sent to the wrong person and awkwardness ensues. Muahaha *rubs hands together and grins evilly* I do really enjoy awkward character interactions. So. I love the general plot idea and I can't wait to see what shenanigans unfold because of it.
And the scene that Christine and Sirius spend in detention together is really amusing! I love that Sirius charmed the clock so they could leave faster - absolutely something I would expect of him, so well done on that bit of characterisation. :D
Other characters though - I admit maybe this is a bit premature of a comment because I've only just read this one chapter and don't know how the character portrayals continue to develop, but as of this chapter, be wary of turning James H into a stereotype. Right now he kind of just seems like the archetypal Sassy Gay Friend, because all we know about him is that he is gay and sassy, and feels kind of one-dimensional. I'd love to see you do more with developing his character. i.e. hobbies, other personality traits, etc. But as I said - I'm aware this is only the first chapter and so obviously I don't know the characters that well yet. Just something to think about as you go forward. :)
other small things: " how do you two know each other?" -- this sentence should begin with a capital letter.
Did he just referred to himself as more fabulous than my James? WHAT NONSENSE IS HE SPOUTING? -- here, a couple of things - first of all it should say 'refer' not 'referred', and second, this isn't really so much as a grammar thing as a personal preference thing, so you can take or leave this - the caps in the second sentence are kind of jarring to the flow; I think that sentence would be just fine without capslock.
Lastly when James is leaving the library and teasing Christine about overhearing her... 'ta' is slang for 'thank you' so I'm not sure it really makes sense to have that word there? unless he's thanking them for saying those things about him haha, but that's not the impression I got.
So overall - I think this is a good first chapter! I hope my CC is helpful and that it isn't too much - I do really love the premise and I think you have a lot of potential in this story. Great work!! :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review!
Yes, you're right. James does seem a bit stereotypical, so I need to change that and work on developing him a bit more.
Thanks for catching the mistakes! Those were really silly and careless on my part.
I had to be careful in writing the Marauders like they are, so I had to think, what mischief would Sirius Black try to pull off? Haha
I was a bit worried about writing in first person pov, but I hope it's fine.
I'm glad you like the plot and once again, thanks! It's my first story and I really appreciate/need the feedback. :D