You haven't quit this, have you? This fic seems abandoned, judging by the lack of updates and review responses. It's a real pity, because a lot of people like it. I've been postponing reviewing this for ages. The balance between sensitivity and love for Lily and aggression in Severus is great. Lily is a strong yet sensitive, well-developed character that you can't help but root for. What I also liked was the sentence about Lily being ground to powder. That was funny. Your creativity with wordplay stands out and is unique. Severus and the Marauders burying the axe is a different turn of events, curious to see where that goes. The ending was...well, interesting. You are good at writing and this has a lot of potential, however, work/school is more important.
Hi there Nhaz!
I'm leaving reviews for everyone that was online in the forums a few minutes ago for funsies.
For starters, your story removed the number one element that I had struggled with when it comes to Snily stories. The mudblood insult. It was, to me, unforgivable. I like the fact that you removed it because to be perfectly honest I think it's way out of character for Snape to say it to begin with. No matter how upset he was. I think you removed it tactfully too.
Certainly she could forgive his snippiness in that case. I'm a diehard Jily, but I think you've written such a remarkable dynamic between Snape and Lily that I could perhaps be swayed!
Lily most certainly was not being there for him just out of pity. She clearly cared a great deal about him! I especially love your characterization of Lily. She's fierce, lovely, compassionate. She's everything I'd imagine her to be.
I can definitely understand his concern at saying those three little words. Having her as a friend is better than having nothing at all. I think you did a really great job showing his plight. She's pretty oblivious.
I think this story is going to be quite good and I think you've really started it out very well! I'll definitely be reading on, but don't tell anyone. I don't want to ruin my anti-Snily reputation!
Loving this story!
In regards to the one review about the premise of a 'Harry Potter': James could easily have a son with someone else and it would still be a Potter, it isn't set in stone that it has to be a child of James and Lily.
Keep up the great work :)
Hiss Hiss, guess who? The Basilisk, with a review.
My dear, what a lovely tale you spin. Your portrayal of the marauders is great, and I especially like how you write Snape. It is very much how I can envision him.
His relationship with Lily is well-written and on-point. The way you write their interactions is very good. The dialogue is light and natural and reads well.
The plot is going really good so far and I read all the chapters leading up to this one, and had a great time. Your narrative is very interesting. All in all, I really enjoyed reading this! Great job! Keep writing!
You've pleased my ancient cold heart and so I shall not eat you or petrify you. *slithers back to Chamber*
I wish there was a reaction cam that could show my reactions to this chapter!!
1. oh NO!! I thought that maybe you'd make the first two chapters some sort of daydream and that this was what had actually happened "I don't need help from a filthy little mudblood like you!" like canon and I WAS SO UPSET...till it turned out to be a nightmare.it's really accurate for what a nightmare would feel like by the way, even lily being too still, with a broken voice and too shiny eyes. You've had your nightmares I guess ahahaha
2. lol mulciber...Of course.very slytherin thing to do. Where's the brotherhood smh. Oh so sweet, Lily's his giirrlfrieeenddd *wink wink*
3. his reaction to lily talking to potter!!! Oh my gosh!! Realistically speaking, Sev would inevitably have seen Lily talking to potter quite a few times over their time at hogwarts. But still. His reaction is so adorably pathetic. Rest well Snivelly.Pretty sure this isn't a Jily fic! OR I WILL MURDER YOU AND YOUR BRETHREN.
4.oy how the table feels like shackles and he rushes to lily. oh so cute. And she's "puzzled".like he doesn't worship the ground you walk on Lmao
5. aw cmon, Severus, it's too much to ask for to take the apology with grace? I like it though, makes it accurate. Also thank you for not making potter the devil himself. So many snily fanfics that hate James' guts lololol...not that I'm very fond of that bully however...
6."like a suicidal cruciatus curse" HAHAHHAHAHA!!! this was so funny. He was being rude to the girl of his dreams!!! I would sigh "ah, young love!" except it lasted all his life didn't it!!
7.ugh.your" friends" need you to cheat for them. of course. I just really really hate that Sev has no choice but to live with slime like them. Yech. Hence the compromised morals.
8. GAWD WHAT A CLIFFHANGER. GOD THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. How much humiliation does he have to go through before Sev and Lily can find each other in their arms!! Oh and the mention of romantic novels...from chapter 2 iI think? YES!!! SO PERFECT AHAHAHA!! Do not worry, Sev darling, you and lily WILL be together.AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE ROWLING FOR NOT HAVING IT.
thank you I adored this and GOD DAMN TELL US WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT!!! ugh why did it happen? Is owl urination like an alarm system/punishment for cheating?! OH DEAR LORD HOW POSITIVELY DEATHLY HORRIBLY MORTIFYING. PLEASE NO.
oh one last thing.that title??? when i understood it I was like OH SEVERUS, LILY, MUDBLOOD OHHH DEP
Points for HELLA FINE TITLE
THIS IS SO GOD. The Snily gods smile upon you. I see that you updated recently.Well.DON'T ABANDON THIS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! Your writing style is wonderful and just really sweet! Please keep going, this made my day!
Here for Advent Calendar - day three! :)
I really enjoyed reading this story so far (are you planning on updating soon?)
I must say that I'm a heavy Jily supporter, but I don't dislike some well done Snily either! ;)
Your idea behind the story is quite cool. What would have happened if Severus caught himself in time? I really liked the turn of events in this chapter, and the fact that Lily is still suspicious of his friendships and his beliefs. Severus' excuse of the male pride was quite smart. I had a feeling he would aim there. I wonder if he will actually move away from his future Death Eaters acquaintances for her...
Their moment together was really sweet and funny. And I loved the "Prince Severus of the Squid-infested Depths" title. It made me chuckle! :D
If they keep being scared of their own feelings and of how the other would react if he/she doesn't return them, they won't ever move on, though... I suppose it's up to Lily to clear her mind up and make the first move, it's clear that Severus will never do it... And then they say that women are the weaker sex, to stay on the subject...
Great job so far! This is a great story! Hope you'll keep the amazing work going!
Much love and holiday cheer,
Ooo POV switch. Another great chapter! I am indeed looking forward to more. Smooth lying on Sev's part! I wonder if the truth will ever come out.
I'm glad you are working them to stay friends right now and playing with the romance. I am eager to see what is next and what you have in store. I am highly enjoying this story, so I'm certainly putting it on a watch list because I'll want to read more when you have it up.
Keep up the excellent work, I can't wait for more!
Hey I came here for the Advent Calendar Day three review thing, and oh boy am I ever glad I did. I am a big fan of Snilly, while not my OTP I am quite fond of it. I've had ideas of writing some in the past making a whole AU universe where Snilly happened. Alas the ideas didn't pan.
How you presented this was awesome I love how you changed things. Different than what I plotted but I love it all the same. The change of one word makes all the difference. So perfect. I don't have time to read the next chapter just yet as my lunch break is almost over but you can bet that I'll be back for more!
Honestly and truly I adored what you wrote, you have the characters and their actions down pat in my opinion. I love how you write Snape and he is very on point to me. I am eager to see what direction you take things and how far this story is going to go!
Fantastic job! I can't wait to read more.
Ho, Ho, Hello!
How interesting...I simply adore this alternative route to what has happened! I must admit, I've never been keen on Severus and Lily, because of my love for Jily, but I do love this, I can say that much!
I'm so glad he opted not to call her...that name! I have a feeling that this will, indeed change the course of events! Oh, yes, a Crumple-Horned Snorkack -- you know, I think I came across one while lost in the forest off-season last year.
It could have also been a squirrel. I'm not sure.
Here's hoping you have a lovely Holiday Season!
You already know what I think ofthe story. I really like this version of the beginning, I should not have criticized the clichés since they weren't that bad I was just being nitpicky . Caudron should be cauldron but that's a tiny mistake. They keep telling me I have mistakes in my story too, you read over them so easily.
Anyway so why I'm reviewing is because I read Season's Greetings review and I wanted to add something to it. I hadn't commented on the part where Snape hugs Lily but her/his review made me realize that was my favorite part of this story as well. Yes, it's a bit perverted and as Season's Greetings mentioned, borderline creepy that unbeknownst to Lily their platonic hug is for Severus romantic in nature. He is so unaccustomed to affection that he indulges in a small gesture of sympathy. However he realizes it and scolds himself for it. It's rather wry and harrowing and how I always imagined it. Severus does not wear a mask of gaiety for his sorrow but tried to erase it with poison of malicious pleasure and anger. That's why I think 'The Prince's Tale' was such a touching chapter because it showed that Severus had a capacity to love and I always like to see a story show that. Maybe it was not all pure and doe like innocence from snape but it was honest and vulnerable (unless you believe that even the memories were faked, which would in a way be even more interesting I guess). I like to see Snape's tender side in fics, and you did a great job of that here, creepy and all (in the best way possible). People usually write him as more cold from the start. Maybe he was. That's the beauty of fanfiction. But, I really like this portrayal so far! very close to my headcanon. ~HermyLuna2
Author's Response: Hey Hermy, sorry for the delay, I haven't been around much during the last month. No, I think your recommendations actually made it better. In my opinion, it would be in character for Severus to compare his surroundongs with things that happen during potion-making. And thanks for the spell-check, I tend to miss typos.
As for the hug, well, yes, it's not innocent. Mind you, far from the level of such things as a date rape, but still, Severus is stealing this small moment of intimacy. No, I think he wasn't cold as a teenager, it's more like he was dead inside after Lily's death. I actually see him as quite fiery, but years of Slytherin elitism have caused him to restrain his temperament. Thank you. ^^
Hey again :)
I like the growing intimacy between Lily and Snape. I LOVED the paragraph where Snape tried to explain his "manly urges." Awesome. :D
To be completely honest, this chapter didn't flow as well as the last. There was a lot more long dialogue and some of the sentences were a little convoluted. I'd suggest going over it, if you feel inclined to do so, and rewording a few so they flow more easily.
Also, I felt that the dialogue was a bit stilted. I understand Lily giving up contractions when she's mad or Snape going Dostoyevsky under the pressure of manly confessions, but Lily's explanation of the Muggle-borns' need for protection was a little stilted. You loosened up a bit in the last few paragraphs, what with Lily's promise to...ahem...surgically alter James and all, and that made it flow much more naturally. My favorite thing that Lily said was "Go get 'em, Sev." It seemed very sincere and friendly.
Back to the positive. I've got all sorts of questions waiting to be answered now. Will Lily ever realize that Snape lied to her? When will they realize that they harbor the same feelings for each other? What will James do about this? And most importantly, how does the Giant Squid feel about being sworn upon? :)
I'll be seeing more of this soon, I hope. :)
Author's Response: Hey,
sorry for the delay, I really did not intend to be so rude.
Well, Severus' pompous excuse was the essence of the chapter, so I'm glad you like it. :D Otherwise, I wasn't quite happy with the dialogue from that point onward, so thanks for pointing it out. I just couldn't sense what exactly is wrong. Most of it was an attempt to bridge the "wounded pride" and "my Prince" parts and I'm going to rework it somewhat.
I'm happy it has created some suspense, that's what I aimed for. More to come soon. ^^
Oh man...I wish this had happened in canon! :(
I mean, granted...it would have ruined the entire premise of Harry Potter...I mean Voldemort would have been there, but Harry Potter wouldn't. I mean you can't name a kid Harry Snape. You just can't. But for Severus's own personal happiness which has always tortured me YES I WISH THIS HAD HAPPENED.
And besides (this is great idea I came up with months ago) then the series could revolve around NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM! YES! Haha!
Man I wish this had happened.
Anyway, my favorite thing that happened here, besides of course James getting put in his place, was when Severus thought of Xenophilius as an "obsessed unkempt weirdo." Uh, not to be rude, Severus, but...you ARE an obsessed unkempt weirdo. In the best way.
Now for CC, because I think it's always healthy to have some. I thought Snape was a bit too expositional. I like the way he felt guilty for almost calling Lily the M-word, but he elaborated on his emotions a little too eloquently for my liking. Still, that's an opinion at its best and in reality is probably just a reflection of my personal style. I didn't catch any glaring spelling or grammar errors, and I am the Self-Proclaimed Queen of Grammar, so that's great. :D This whole passage read really smoothly and in a nutshell, this is one impressed fwooper talking to you.
Great job! :D :D :D This has unlocked a painful portion of my heart which will dwell on this possibility every time I think of this part of the book. Strange how one word can change everything... :'(
Author's Response: Hey,
Yeah, I also wish this had happened. It always confused me how Severus, who was stated by JKR to love Lily in earnest, ever said those words. I mean, you don't just do that to your crush. There must be some serious wedges between the two of you. In Sev's case, he sees himself as a gallant admirer and that's why he's so shocked by what he was about to say.
Heh. No, there won't be a Harry Snape here. It's been done, but I have other plans. As it is, Severus is not even imagining having children with Lily. Neville may or may not be chosen for something. Maybe I know, but the readers don't. For now. But I'll tell you a secret - *whispers* my aim is to have Severus as the central (anti-)hero in the fight against Voldemort. Ah, well. Giving up my plot like it's going out of style. I tend to do that because there's no guarantee that I'll ever finish this. Well, even if I do, I do like to drop the ending on the readers and have them wonder how things are going to get there. :D
Good point about Xeno. I was so busy being Severus while writing the end of that scene that I didn't notice how hypocritical it sounds. It is true, Severus is as much of an unkempt weirdo as Xenophilius (thanks for giving me an idea for a foil), but you shouldn't try to argue with Severus about that unless you're wearing sandals. Or maybe especially if you're wearing sandals. Remember "nitwit, blubber, oddment, tweak"? Some have interpreted those as the prejudices each house has, and guess whose prejudices "oddment" represents. :D
Thanks for the CC, I read the reviews chiefly for that. So, exposition. Well, while you sort of have a point, I do like the part where Severus describes his feelings. Then again, being socially maladjusted, he shouldn't be very much in touch with them. So I accept your remark on principle, but in this case I'll pull up a defense - Severus is partly in touch with his feelings - the negative half of them. He's a brooding, melancholic, depressive person and I kind of want to give him a Nevermore appeal like the one Rickman had when portraying him. On the other hand, he'll be extremely perplexed about any and all positive emotions. They are not his domain.
As for grammar and spelling, I have styled myself an Emperor thereof (it just sounds more grim and imposing than King), though on rare occasions I do find myself dethroned. Those are moments of great disgrace, you know, even if I'm not a native speaker. I also make no claims for the realm of style.
I assure you I had no desire whatsoever to unlock portions of anyone's heart that could happen to be painful. :D That is, I do try to invoke emotions in my readers, but this particular chapter was supposed to be a promise for a better Severus and how one word left unsaid could prevent a tragedy. Not that I have any intention of turning the story into a fluffy fairytale.
So thank you for taking the time to review and hopefully the next chapters won't leave you disappointed. ^^
My name is SeasonsGreetings and I'm in the process of trying to spread joy and love across the HPFF forums/archives from now until New Years!
I do enjoy a good Lily/Severus story, particularly when Snape is written accurately. He's certainly conflicted by his desire for Lily and his interest in the dark arts. I thought you did a great job of capturing that. The moment where he almost slips and calls her a mudblood illustrates that quite well.
I also enjoyed Snape's thoughts when he hugs Lily. He revels in being close to her and it's almost borderline creepy. On one hand, he says he knows that she doesn't feel the same way about him, but on the other he still has this fantasy in his head about what could be between them.
I do find myself wondering what would've happened had Snape professed his love to Lily. Part of me thinks that she too felt something for him or she did until he turned into a Pureblood supremacist.
Lily was portrayed quite accurately in this as well. She's very feisty, fierce, and incredibly loyal. It's nice to see her knock James down a peg.
I'll leave you with wishes for a very Happy Holiday season!
Author's Response: Hi SeasonsGreetings,
thank you for your review.
Well, the whole point of the fic is what would happen if Sev did not slip. He will be very shocked for a time, I guarantee it.
Well, Sev is a shy guy. I won't write him as adorable and cuddly all the time, he is a really flawed person. But his Not-James-ness (not being that perfect, charismatic guy everyone falls for) is what draws me to him. Now, "borderline creepy" is what I aimed for. It's what my reaction would be in this situation. I'm not happy that girls perceive such behaviour as "slightly creepy" but that's reality - Sev is doing something he knows it isn't his place to do. Actually, Lily doesn't mind a hug, but seeing as that Sev's clumsy attempt for intimacy, she wouldn't reciprocate at this point.
Thanks for your comment on Lily's portrayal. I'm trying to be careful about portraying her, seeing as I don't want her to go full-on "I-can-open-my-doors-by-myself-thanks" Ginny, but I don't want to make her a damsel in distress, either.
Happy holidays to you too, maybe we'll see something by you soon?
I am very interested in this story. I think it has potential and you should definitely think about updating it again.
I love a good Marauder fic, even though I ship Jily something fierce, there does need to be something said about the relationship between Snape and Lily. What I was expecting was for Snape to call Lily a Mudblood but what actually happened was Lily smacking James and making me go OH and getting closer to the sceen so I could see what was happening next!
Naturally after all is said and done, Lily still friend zones Severus making everyone feel awkward (by everyone j mean sev and the reader) and Lily is just oblivious. Poor Snape.
But really, you should update more. Your writing will get better, you become more confident, and your creativity will expand. I know you have it in you ;)
Author's Response: Hi there, Frankie. Thank you for your review.
I am thinking about updating it, constantly in fact, it's just that I have a writer's block. The next chapter is quite mundane and that's why I'm having trouble finishing it.
Now, let's be clear - this will be a Snily. I will tease James/Lily at times for contrast, but that's about it. While I like what we see of Jily in the books, I have a personal reason to prefer that Severus and Lily ended up together. See, I used to be more like Sev in my teens and James is the guy I never could be. So while I admire the way he turned out, I like to imagine a scenario where the awkward spiteful nerd does become worthy of Lily's love. (This doesn't mean I'll bash the popular jock, though - James will still be a hero.)
Now, Lily is still friendzoning Severus and he will have to realise that this is not necessarily a bad thing. At the moment, though, he sees it as guys in his position usually do - as being treated like a pet. Which he is not, because Lily genuinely cares for him.
So thanks again and hopefully see you after the next chapter. ^^
Such a great story! It's been only two chapters, but I've already had an impression you've captured the characters so well, Sev especially, it's definitely not so easy to write him. Eager to see where you go with this :)
Author's Response: Thank you. ^^ I have some surprises in store...
Wolfgirl from the forums here to check out your fic when you mentioned you were looking for some feedback on it. I honestly can't fathom why you've not had more interest in the story up until now. I'm quite intrigued and I liked the way this chapter played out. You've got a good strong foundation here for the story to build upon and I legitimately am looking forward to reading the rest.
Now, some concrit.
There are a lot of instances throughout this where you've used rhetorical questions to portray Sev's thoughts, but have forgotten to include the question marks warranted by those questions. Make sure to do everything you can to keep on top of your spelling and grammar. On some site's like fanfiction dot net or Archive of our own such things aren't such a big deal, but most folks around here won't read a fic if there are spelling/grammar mistakes.
In addition to that, might I suggest removing the mention of tag warnings from the summary and removing the comment about reviews being appreciated? That kind of thing can be included inside the chapter in an author note, where you can also note any sections that need to be referenced back to the books or movies, or where you generally comment on the progression of the fic and what have you. Putting it in the summary is a sure-fire way to make people not want to read it. The idea of a summary is to represent your story in the best possible light in order to generate interest. You probably wouldn't read a book requesting that you expressly offer your opinions on it afterwards, and mention of the rating on a book is rarely included unless it's a small notation that the book contains content not suitable for certain ages.
In that vein, might I also suggest heading over to TDA (The Dark Arts) website where you can request a banner to be made for your story from one of the incredibly talented author's over there. You do need to make an account on the forums there to make the request, but one of the best ways to get people to click on your stuff is with a banner. In the long archive list stories without banners tend to be scrolled past.
Readers like me tend to assume that if an author can't be bothered to want to promote their story with a banner and with a hooking, uninterrupted by warnings/requests summary, then the story must not be all that good.
Obviously it's not the case in most instances, as yours is very good, but had it not been for the comment on the forums at HPFF I'd probably never have found/clicked on your fic due to the lack of banner and the inclusion of a request for reviews. It tends to rubs some folks the wrong way as it comes off as desperate or sullen and you don't want that.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this first chapter. I liked the way you had Sev being so wishy-washy as he tried to work out if he was grateful to Lily for standing up to James on his behalf or if he was mortified and annoyed that she was always seeing him in bad lights where he's looking weak, lonely and like a loser. That would be incredibly frustrating. Not to mention he's trying to fathom whether or not he'll ever get out of the Friendzone with her.
All in all you've got an interesting start here and please don't be discouraged by the minimal amount of reviews thus far. Lots of people won't open a fic until there are a few chapters published as they don't like reading a really great beginning without knowing if it's actually going to go somewhere/be updated on a regular basis. Another important tip is to try and keep to some kind of schedule regarding updates. These days I recommend not even beginning to publish the fic until you have a complete draft. Even if you're likely to edit more in later, it's best to wait until the draft is complete, that way you can update regularly. That's a great way to generate interest too. If people see your fic consistently jumping to the top of the updated list, they'll realise you're dedicated and that the story is going places and they'll be more likely to open it up and leave you gushy reviews.
I look forward to reading the next chapter when I've got the time. Keep up the good work. I'm expecting big things from you!
Author's Response: Hi Ellie,
thank you for taking the time to write a review.
I usually strive to publish an error-free text. In the case of rhetoric questions, I simply wasn't aware that in English they absolutely necessarily mandate a question mark, and therefore decided to use full stop as a stylistic choice. If this is really a mistake, I will take care to fix it.
Yeah, pandering for reviews does come off as desperate, as it would in real life. Mind you, I recall reading it somewhere on this site as a recommendation, but I might have simply misread.
As for the banner, I am at a crossroads. On one hand, I wouldn't really want to use something that isn't made by me. On the other hand, I absolutely cannot work with Photoshop, even if I do have actors in mind and particular pictures of them to use in a banner. Drawing also isn't really an option. So I guess I'll make a compromise and not draw my own Sev and Lily. Thanks for the recommendation.
Sev is really confused right now - he's horrified with himself, he has been humiliated by James and the Slytherins will not be happy about that, and his chances to get out of the friendzone with Lily are, as he sees it, nullified. And now he has to worry about the OWLS, too. At this stage writing him iv very personal, because it brings back memories from high school, welcome and unwelcome alike. But having been in a similar position to him, I find him easier to write than Lily - a girl's point of view, and also that of a character as lively and strong-willed as Lily has always been tricky to describe for me, seeing as I am neither.
I tend to write chaotically, and as such, am unable to plan the story from beginning to end. I have the arc and the key plot points, but everything else just crystallises randomly around some ideas that pop into my head. I guess I'll have to work on that too. At the very least I have a bunch of accumulated half-written scenes, but most of them are further away in the story.
Thank you once more for the criticism and the kind words, but especially for the criticism. I needed it.