I must truly hate myself to read an Albus/Scorpius fic for the sink you ship challenge. But this was e executed so well. It's interesting that you don't say their names while telling your story. It makes it so eerie. And then then the line where you wrote- her cheeks perfectly matched her namesake. I thought that was brilliant writing!
And Scorpius tried to reconcile with him. I would have been angry too. I hate that he did that- why pledge yourself to someone and then sleep with their cousin who you know they are close with. It just is crazy to me. This story makes me crazy!! So well done with that.
I can't believe he was so mad that he was driven to kill his lover and his cousin. That's what's so terrible and so sad that he knew his dad would be there soon to cart him off to prison. I can only imagine the horror of that.
And then you talk about the dementors and how they used to be there and how it used to be worse but for Albus- it's all bad.
As much as you broke. My. Heart. This story was very well written. Very well described. Al in all a great piece of literature.
*hug* cause now we all need one after this story.
Hi Meg! I'm here for our review swap!
This was so sad. Just... Albus coming home early from work, thinking about surprising Scorpius, and being unhappily surprised himself. I just... much as I don't like what he's done here (AT ALL), it must have been quite a shock to find your boyfriend in bed with your cousin.
I love your narration after Albus kills Rose and Scorpius. It's very brief and dislocated (you have no idea how many times I typed "discloated"), which fits perfectly with the shock he's feeling, finding himself a murderer.
I think the second person narration worked really well here. It sounds like someone is telling a very shocked, surprised, and disbelieving Albus what he had done, not too implausible (is that a word??) given his state of mind at the end of this one-shot.
This line here is perfect - It's not as if you cannot feel every morsel of hope and happiness leave your body, until the only things left are the bitter tastes of loneliness and despair, which painstakingly rest on the tip of your tongue. Perfect.
Aargh I'm sorry this review is so short :( I'll have to review something else to make up for it.)
Oh my goodness, this was so descriptive, awesome, and terrible. You really did a great job for a first attempt at third person! I was chilled.
You entrance was well done, your middle (using a dream) suited this story spectacularly. I love that you only really identified the character when he looked into the mirror, and that you never even spoke Scorpius' or Rose' names at all yet it was so clear it was them. Perfect.
Your flow was elegant and chilling, a soft pace for a rush of a moment.
Hey Meg! Here to leave a second review for our swap.
One quick little nitpick: You put "finance's" instead of "fiance's".
So, I like the way you've written this and I think you've pulled second person off pretty well. I like the scenes set in Azkaban, especially the first one - it's written so emotionally and descriptively and I was really impressed by it. I was confused for a second, but the mention of the barred windows tipped me off that it was Azkaban.
I can't say I'm a huge fan of the general concept - I can't help but think that murder is a really extreme reaction to infidelity. Then again, I suppose it's not unheard of in real life. Nothing against you or your writing, though. Like I said, I liked the way you wrote this.
If anything, I think I'd prefer a bit more of a focus on Albus in Azkaban, especially since that's what the title is related to. If there was some way you could find to relate the events Albus is recalling to his surroundings in prison or something, that might be cool?
It's so sad to think about what this would do to the rest of Albus' family. What would it do to the trio, for example, knowing that Harry's son had murdered Ron and Hermione's daughter?
Anyways, I really liked a lot of what you have going on here, and I wish you luck in the challenge!
I'm here at last! [takes off hat, swinging it in circles in the air while knocking heels together in a jump--I can't do that in real life]
Em is bouncing up and down on seat in anticipation of READING MEG-STANDARD WORK!
This is instantly suspenseful! Who are 'they?' Where is 'here?' What would 'worse' be?! Em has so many questions! Meg has brought so many question to Em's mind and Em is SO CURIOUS AND ANXIOUS TO CONTINUE READING!
"No, even though they are gone, you can still feel them in the walls; in your soul. Or what you have left of one." This is a very, very chilling sentence and serves to send goosebumps down my arms and spine, make my eyes as wide as tennis balls, and move towards the edge of my seat.
Ah, 'him' is Scorpius, but who is 'you?' You is definitely Albus.
'withered fingers' and 'aging lungs' give a high definition picture of a slowly crumbling Albus! He is imprisoned, I see and it's interesting that you write that he has no reason to escape despite being fully capable of doing so.
I'm even further on the edge of my seat now, I may not have enough chair to sit on soon.
Albus has really given up, hasn't he? You've described the loss of the will to do anything the loss of motivation and the letting go of everything very, very well. All these emotions (or lack of) came through incredibly.
The language you're using is different than anything you've ever done before, but it maintains the characteristic Meg Standard quality.
MAJOR CHANGE OF SCENE! The contrast in weather is very stark and your use of pathetic fallacy makes for a lovely, jarring, transition. So this is Albus before whatever happened, happened.
OH MY GOODNESS MEG!! I know you've got happy Albus here, but the most wonderful thing is, that after the first scene, there is the sense that this happiness exists as a thin layer and below is hollowness. It's the most amazing effect of your writing. It's like a Ferrero with only the outer layer of chocolate and hazelnuts with no praline or that whole hazelnut inside.
DRAGON ROLL bahaha! Of course. :P
Yikesies. Albus is feeling that something is wrong and Em is back to creepy feels. Oh no. Oh no! OH NO!
My heart fell with Albus's and his dinner. Then I felt same rage as he because Meg Standard dictates that has high emotional efficacy and effectiveness, which is to say that no feels are safe from Meg Standard work, which is to say that YOU'RE JUST A LOAD OF BRILLIANCE, AREN'T YOU? ARGHHH!! [hug tackle]
"You felt the walls close in around you; you found it difficult to breathe." WHAT A LINE! That just really squeezes at the heart, doesn't it?
You proceed to write an epically action-packed scene, missing absolutely nothing in it's increasing pace. And Albus catches them in flagrante delicto! AKSJFOWFENFKWHAT IS THIS?! It's Meg being a super-writer.
Albus's love for Scorpius is so clear. What they shared, despite not really being mentioned explicitly, is very evident. It is evident in the way that Scorpius is able to placate Albus slightly, in the way Albus was about to forgive him. Though do I think it would have been a very healthy relationship had it continued? Not really considering. Because though there may be love, there is not much loyalty on Scorpius's part. . . . [wails]
I feel so much rage and it's radiating from your writing and I think I am developing Hulk's abilities. . . and. . . nope. Almost. I was so close.
The death scene has impeccable imagery. It's flawless. In all the confusion, I could not imagine a set of words more perfect that one you have written. The explosion, the lack of details, the slow realisation--Meg. . . [worshippy]
". . . ice water felt like it slowly oozed from the crown of your head to the tips of your toes and uncomfortably inside of your body; it encased your rapidly beating heart. . ." MEG! WHAT IS THIS? WHERE DO THESE BEAUTIFUL WORDS COME FROM? I FELT THAT!
And when you wrote that Albus's eyes were as vacant as the dead, you know that he died on the inside and that this is the birth of zombie (alive-but-dead) Albus, but this one still has emotions. BUT THOSE EMOTIONS ARE EXCISED IN THE LAST FEW PARAGRAPHS!! BREAKDOWN:
"Dread, shame, rage and despair took over, as you knew your father would be there shortly." The heart drops.
"You stood frozen, torn between waiting for his arrival, or trying to make a run for it." A moral tug-of-war of sorts, a painful internal debate.
"You shook your head as you realized that there would be no escape." A quick conclusion to said debate, giving up.
"This would be one mess that your father would not, or could not get you out of." A realisation that this is the imaginary line you crossed that ages ago you might have thought was non-existent.
"You killed them." A self-admission or an attempt at one that freezes the heart.
"You knew it was true, even if it hadn’t sunken in yet." The adrenaline is just staring to decrease, understandable disbelief.
"Their rigidly still, completely silent bodies told you as much." HOLY COW, MEG, THIS LINE!
"Even after all of these years, it always takes a few moments to realize the scream that woke you had come from you." You took my breath away, stopped my heart, and left me struggling to even type now, this is all to amazing.
AND THEN THAT LAST LINE, MEG!
When you tie the first bit of the story with the last, it becomes a cycle. And somehow, it makes the entire thing all the more mind-blowing. This is everyday of Albus's life now. He will continue the cycle until he stops living. It's insane and you're genius. ♥
I am so proud of you for writing this. This is way out of anything you've ever written before and still you leave me in awe (well, duh), proving that Meg is master of writing all.
If this story deserves higher praise it is not you don't deserve it, it's that I don't know it.
Okay so I saved this to read it offline, and so I didn't see the summary. I had no idea who this story was about and it made it very, very exciting. I wrote a review for it last night after I read it and here it is:
Oh my god that was NOT what I was expecting. At all. Even a little. What a story to tell in so few words! Still impressive, even if it’s not exactly 500 :)
I love the structure of this. I love how we start off in Azkaban before flashing back to how we got to Azkaban, and then heading back. That is a funny sentence, but you get what I mean, yeah? It was super effective. You described the jail cell perfectly. I knew immediately where we were, but I had no idea who “you” was. Keeping that a bit mysterious was really effective as well. It made the reveal SO DRAMATIC.
SUCH A GOOD PLOT TWIST. I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THAT WAS A PLOT TWIST BUT IT WORKED REALLY WELL AS ONE.
I loved the first and last sections of this especially. “It used to be worse here, at least that’s what they say,” seem so melodic and it carries through the rest of the piece as well. It gives a whole thing a very lyrical quality which works so well with the mysterious vibe and the second person pov.
This was really wonderful! Great work!
I really enjoyed reading this! :)
Hey, here for our second review swap!
Wow. This was just…wow. I’ve never read a Scorbus fic before because for some reason, it never appealed to me but this was amazing!
I didn’t realise where Albus was at first but after re-reading it again before I carried on, I realised he was in prison and I knew then that it didn’t bode well for the rest of the story, which made me anxious to know exactly what happened! It was an amazing introduction to the story!
Albus was so happy that he was going home early, about surprising Scorpius that my stomach dropped when he realised that Scorpius wasn’t alone. I was so upset for him in that moment! And the fact that it was Rose, well that just makes it all the more hard-hitting. When I realised it was her, I could then easily understand the rage Albus must have been feeling in that moment to do what he did.
‘They took on the color of blood, which you both shared - yet apparently that meant nothing to her’ – this line was just perfect and so powerful! It really conveyed the anger bubbling up inside Albus.
The line where he says Harry will be there soon – that’s so heartbreaking because in that moment, he knows he can’t undo what he is done and he will be punished for it. I just want to hug him because he sounds so defeated and devesated, which I guess he is, as he did just kill the love of his life.
And that ending. I love that last line – it really hits hard! It gave me so many chills. What a way to end a one-shot! It was absolutely amazing!!
Amazing job and good look in the challenges!
Hey Meg! :) Dropping by for our review swap! I have to admit - I have a soft spot for Al/Scorp, simply because they're usually as a pairing a lot less cliche than Scorose, I've found, and there's something so sweet about the idea :P
So yeah, basically, I just had to come here, rather than anywhere else - I hope that's okay! :)
I'm kinda sad this was done for the Sink Your OTP Challenge, in a way, because I do like Al and Scorp together, really, but at the same time this is such a great story I almost don't, because it works so well, if that makes sense?
I love the way you wrote this, with the section at the beginning and the section at the end. I admit I didn't see the end of Scorp and Al's relationship coming that way - maybe that was stupid, but I really didn't :P - but the description of where Al was and how he was and that it used to be worse just gave me chills. It was such haunting description, and at the same time you used it so well to give such a beautiful portrayal of the fact that Al still kinda loves Scorp, even after it all, and there's something so incredibly sad about that. He seems so lost and so lonely in those bits, as though there's nothing left for him except to wait to die, which is a really raw and stark portrayal of a character - any, really. I kinda just want to hug him, poor thing :(
I love the way you wrote the middle section, too - and what actually happened, as well. I've seen cheating used before, but I love how here because there's not much mentioned about it, so much is left up to imagination about why Scorp and Rose happened, and how, and if they loved each other too, you know? Which makes it that much more powerful in the uncertainty. The way you had Albus kill them without thinking was so good, too - it's happened, people describing doing things like that without almost being aware of what they're doing, and it's simultaneously scary and sad to think that Albus was so far into shock that he wasn't aware of his own actions. Also, I love how you didn't demonise any of the characters about it - that's one thing in cheating fics which always frustrates me, you know - and I think it helped how you wrote it, with the sections and Al's automaton state and almost not wanting or waiting to know why.
The repeated line about Azkaban being worse before was so chilling and so creepy.
Gah, I loved this - poor, poor Al, and poor Al&Scorp, being forced apart so brutally :P Anyway, aside from that, it was a really lovely, devastating one-shot, and I'm so glad I got a chance to read it! :)
I can't believe you'd do this to me. Scorpius and Albus are one of my favorite ships and you just smashed them beautifully and unequivically. You've done a remarkable job with the second person POV as well as make me die a little.
Albus' musing in the beginning certainly didn't bode well and now that I'm re-reading it, I can see he is in prison. He's clearly still in love and hates himself. You've communicated so much in the first section and made a rivetting introduction to the story.
It's hard for me not to kind of hate you for making Albus (and me) go through this. I 100% get the fun and anticipation of surprising a significant other at home. My stomach churned as Albus realized Scorpius was not alone. I really enjoyed how you've slipped in bits about them as a couple - especially the comment about the dragon roll (one of my favorites too). It made them really easy to identify with.
This line is just perfect "They took on the color of blood, which you both shared - yet apparently that meant nothing to her."
Ugh, the blind rage and instant remorse just - I can't. If they were muggles I'm sure the rage would have been another sort of fight but Albus had magic to do the worst. The physical change you describe hit me so hard - it is like he lost a bit of his soul. Oh poor Harry, having to go arrest his son.
When I first read this, I didn't realize he was in prison until near the end. It broke my heart to know he was so tormented (even though killing two peoplw isn't good either). The line about how it used to be worse there was just powerful and such a great but bitter way to end this wonderful story.
Author's Response: Hi Rose!
Yay! Thank you! I mean - I am so very sorry. :p
This killed me. Every bit of this story killed me. I still don't know why I entered the incredibly wicked (and so, so brilliant) Ship sinking challenge. I had to re-read my fluffy Scorbus (and begin planning the next installment of it) immediately after this. So I totally understand your hatred of me.
I know! There's nothing like being able to get out of work early and come home to surprise your S.O. with food. (Dragon rolls are my absolute fav as well) And then... bad things. Ugh. Al, I'm sorry!
I just imagined him having one of those moments. One of those that you hear/read about where you just completely black out. And you're right, with him being able to do magic, it caused much more damage. :(
Oh yay! I kind of wanted this to be one of those stories that if/when you re-read it, it's a different experience from the first time!
Thanks so much much, Rose! And don't feel bad, every bit of this killed me, too. :( Don't hate me *too* much. ;)
Oh, the chills. Oh, the feels. Oh my GOD. -breathes in deeply-
Hiya, Meg. :) Here for our swap. And I have to say, I totally missed reading your stories -- I have apparently forgotten what a brilliant writer you are! Well, this story really served to remind me. ;)
You mentioned that this is your first attempt at writing second person and I have to admit that I am personally not a fan of it BUT you did it here so well. I can really feel what Albus was feeling, see what he was seeing... As Albus is my favorite next-gen character, it was definitely a bit striking to see such a different side to him in your fic.
As I read on I realised that this was for the sink your ship challenge, too! :O HOMG, Rosie, what have you done? Scorpius, what have you done? Here, I can completely feel as Al must be feeling. Although you did manage to shock me when he did what he did. I was all... OMG, did he really just do that? OMG OMG.
The way you juxtaposed how seemingly happy he is with the utter horror of the situation he found himself in and how horrible what he did was. Your prose in this was really brilliant and I actually read three times before I got to reviewing because it was that good!
At the end, there are those CHILLS again. That was one of the strongest ending lines I've read in a one-shot ever. Really enjoyed it, hun. (Though enjoyed may be the wrong word? haha) Anyway, great job! :D
Author's Response: Carla! Ahh!! This review! :D
Oh my goodness. You are far, far too kind to me! But thank you so much!! ♥
I love Albus, too, so this was difficult. Second person usually isn't my cup of tea either, but that's one of the main reasons I decided to do the challenge. Because it would be just that, challenging for me. :p I'm really glad that his feelings and everything were made clear for the reader and that this darker side was a bit of a shock. It was exactly what I was going for.
I know! I know! There really was tons of OMG in this. I'm sorry! *hides*
Aww Carla! *blush* Thank you!! ♥
I can't even with this review, seriously. I'm so, so happy that you (I guess it could be the right word?) enjoyed it! ;) And thank you so, so, so much for this amazing review! You're awesome, chicky! ♥ ♥
Wow, that actually gave me chills near the end.(o.o)
The only criticism I can give is it sounds awkward never combining things like it is to it's, but that could just be personal preference. I really liked it, great job!
Author's Response: Hi there! :)
Wow thank you so much for this! I'm super thrilled to hear that it gave you chills!! I'm totally insecure/nervous about this since it's my first second person and creepy type fic. So this really meant a lot to me!
I think you might be right about the "it is" as opposed to "it's." More than likely, I'm going to end up changing that.
Thanks so much for the feedback on this! I truly appreciate it!! ♥
as always all I can do is congratulate you on your incredible talent! Really amazing work!
And great use of second pov, it really helped to link with Albus' emotions!
I loved the veil of mistery that permeated this, your way of telling and not telling, using description instead of names, building settings and events a bit at a time, so that the reader can guess but not really know what's going on till the very end.
And there was this constant sense of anticipation in your narration... I've been holding my breath all along! And there's still this knot in my throath that wouldn't go away...
Excellent, excellent job! That's all I have to say!
Sending you an ocean of love!
Author's Response: Ahh!! Chiara!! ♥
You are far too sweet and way too good to me! Thank you so much for this amazingly lovely review!! *hugs*
I was/am really nervous about this one, because it's so different than anything that I've tried yet, so you have no idea how much this review meant to me!
I'm honestly so thrilled that you enjoyed this! And as always, thank you for the amazing review! They have always been so lovely and motivate me to write more and better. I really can't say thank you enough!
So much love,
I quite enjoyed reading this in second person. It helped me to feel everything more clearly, if that makes sense. Good writing :)
Author's Response: Hiya!!
Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a review! I'm super happy to hear that the second person worked, since this was my first time trying it. And yes, that does make sense to me! :)
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to review!! I really appreciate it! ♥
Greetings from The Summer Snake! I have recently slithered out of hibernation and discovered this amazing place with such amazing stories, so I want to read and review as many as I can before I go back into hibernation!
On to the main review: WOW. Just WOW. I honestly don't know what else to say. This was such a powerful, intense piece of writing. Short but impacting. Your plot was definitely dark and intriguing with Albus Potter being trapped in Azkaban for killing his cousin and finance. How you showed its story was equally dark and well-written.
What I loved here is the lack of names. You use clever words like "same as colour of her cheeks" to say she's Rose (and his cousin), his grey eyes and blond hair to say he's Scorpius and his own green eyes to say he's Albus. I recognised each of them very quickly and neatly despite the lack of names and that was great.
The descriptions were very nicely done and I was gripped while reading this. The emotions underlying the narrative came through wonderfully and there was this eeriness about the whole piece, especially in the beginning and end, that was just the cherry on top. I really love such morbid, dark stories so this was a real treat.
However, I'm the Summer Snake so here's some summer cheer for you! *showers confetti and flowers* Keep writing such goodness!
Now, I'm off to explore more of this wonderful sun!
Oh yes, if you want to guess who lies underneath this snake skin (just for fun), here's a clue for you: I love the Malfoys!
The Summer Snake
Author's Response: Hello there, Summer Snake! Thank you so much for slithering on by! ♥
Aww thank you so much! This was unlike anything I had written yet, so that truly means a lot! I'm so glad that you enjoyed it! :)
Even thought the story summary had Albus, Scorpius and Rose listed, I still wanted to leave a sort of ambiguity in it, which is why I did the lack of names. I thought it would make it a bit more powerful that way and I'm really thrilled that it worked out.
Dark and morbid is kind of outside my comfort zone (which is why I have been trying it a little more lately), so hearing that it all came together well is just very refreshing. Thank you! :)
Yay! Who doesn't love confetti and flowers! xD Gah! Thank you!!
Hmm... The Malfoys, you say... *scratches head*
Bye, Summer Snake! And thank you so much for stopping by before you go back into hibernation!! It really was such a treat! Thank you for the amazing review!! ♥
I'm here for our review swap!
I noticed you posting about this on the forums, so I thought this would be the perfect thing for me to check out!
First of all, hats off to you on your first attempt at 2nd person POV. I really think it's the toughest one to write and I think you did a commendable job at it.
For whatever reason, as soon as your main character got out of work early, I knew it was going to be bad. I just had a feeling from the moment that she said he would be home from work and she would surprise him that something like this was going to happen. I kept hoping that I was going to be wrong, but alas no such luck.
I think that the only cc I can give you is that the description could be filled out a bit more. 2nd person POV seems to work the best when there are a lot of details to paint a very vivid picture. I know that originally you were trying to keep it within the limit for the every word count challenge, but I think that in limiting your words, you might've limited what you described.
All in all, this is a really good crack at a tough POV and you've very successfully sunk your ship as well. Good work!
Author's Response: Hey Kaitlin! :)
I'm thrilled you decided to check this out and was my first review on it!
It was a lot harder to write 2nd person than I thought it would be, so I really appreciate that. :D
No, sadly you were not wrong in your assumption. Normally if anyone is going home when they shouldn't be, it seems something bad happens. :p *cliche alert* haha
Yeah, I'm going to go back through this and try to flesh it out a little bit more. I was really, really trying to make it 500 words, but I couldn't cut any more out. I'll have to find the first draft of this. There was a bit more in that. :)
Thanks so much for stopping by and for the kind words! I'm happy to hear (well not really, but for the purpose of the challenge) that I sunk Scorbus. *tear*