Oh my God. This story made me laugh so hard it hurted.. My favorite lines were
1. The journey was a long one but Hermione was so greatful
2. "If you do I'll have to hit you again like in our third year. That will show you."
This got a ten from me
Here for our swap!
I think this was a really cute story, I liked the way you incorporated the lyrics with the events you narrated and I enjoyed the plot (even if I must admit I'm more of a fan of canon ships...)
I especially liked the scene in Australia, really sweet! It was cute of Draco to accompany Hermione and I loved the way her parents reacted to him!
Just a few suggestions to make this better.
First of all, this sounded like a list of things that happened. You should put in some more description, show and not just tell, like they said in another review.
As for grammar, I did notice a few mispelled words, e.g. new instead of knew, tho instead of though, realy instead of really and a few others. You also mispelled Hermione's name a couple of times. Typos aside, the syntax was ok.
A very nice story! Thanks for sharing!
Author's Response: hi chiara it is nice to meet u and maybe we can be friends because i think we r both new here?? thank u for the review I didnt no there were typos some people have said my grammer is bad so i am asking for betas. iq think the scene in australia is my favourite too because he went all that way with her I hope i have pursuaded u to read more dramiones they are awesome!!
hi, I saw you asking for reviews on the forums so thought I'd swing by and give this a read! I'm not overly fond of dramione but as a new forum member I felt like I could read it anyway in order to give you some feedback ^.^
first of all I thought the lyrics worked rather well with the tone of the songfic. although one direction's music isn't something I would have necessarily thought to pair with this it does work quite well on an overall scale. Particularly the last line "she belongs to me" seemed quite poignant. (even though I don't agree with anybody belonging to another person, the sentiment is still sweet.)
overall the plot of the story was good. I've not really read many dramiones so I can't fill you in on how typical/cliché it was since I don't really have a clue. however, one area I think you could benefit in is by using dialogue to greater effect or even just showing what happens rather than telling about it afterwards in a summarising way. for instance, "draco went with hermione to go and find her parents in australia" and the ensuing lines. it might've been more apt to just set the scene with them in australia. rather than TELLING the audience what's going on, SHOW it through scenery, dialogue and other cues.
also, I did pick up on quite a few spelling/grammatical errors throughout. not to worry though, those can mostly be fixed using a spell-checker or if not you might want to enlist a beta from the forums to read over your work just to iron out those few mistakes. they happen to the best of us, don't worry about it. and it's easily fixed. correct spelling and better grammar just help the flow of the story.
on the whole though you're off to a good start! if you're active around the forums you can get loads of advice with writing etc from other authors on the site and ask for feedback and whatnot. this oneshot was rather sweet ♥
- jess, xo
(p.s. I just want to say please don't be discouraged by my review, it's aimed to help you better your techniques and isn't in any way meant maliciously! really, you're doing good. keep it up and you'll be a featured author in no time haha)
Author's Response: hi! omg this review is so amazing i think it's the 1st review i had when some1 reviewed 2 be nice and not because i asked your awesome!i am asking 4 a beta on the forums 4 my novel story but havent got 1 yet. u should read more dramione its awesome they r perfect together!!!
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