Harry Potter Fanfiction – Read Over 85,000 Stories!

Reviews (6 found)

Page 1 of 1

did the hufflepuff girl die? did i miss something because i dont remember a student dieing

Author Response

Thanks for reading my story, and I understand the confusion.

There were two incidents with Hufflepuff students and stairs, one cost a life and the other did not.  The one that cost a life was at the beginning of Chapter 18.  It was all part of the plot that involved Miles, the house elf, and she was an unfortunate victim.

Thanks again for reading my story, I hope that you are enjoying it and will continue reading my work.  There is a second story, Eye of the Serpent, that continues Elizabeth's tale.

Thanks again,
Evil Otter

Hello, I am enjoying the story but don't understand why Beatrice appears to be at Hogwarts in this chapter - isn't she still at home at this point in the story?

Author Response

Oops!  Must have been hit by a Confundus spell!  

Actually, she should still be at home at this point.  I had written this chapter  to use it as a bridge to include some things that I wanted to and thought of after the fact and forgot to check on important issues (such as the fact thht Beatrice won't return to school until later in the story.

I am so happy that you are enjoying the story and took the time to review it for me. Thank you so much for pointing this out and for your very kind comments about the story.  If you find anything else please let me know and I will include them in my edit of the story.

Thanks again,
Evil Otter

Good story I'm enjoying it

Author Response

Thank you for your very kind review.  I've been asked if I am planning a second story for these characters and the answer is yes, in fact, I'm already writing it.

I love the story so far. I can't wait to read more of it!!!

Author Response

Thanks for your kind words.  Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) I have almost reached the end of the writing stage and will merely be posting the chapters that I have finished.  

The next story for my characters is already being planned because I feel that there is much more to write.  I doubt that there will be seven novels, but you never know.

Please let me know what you think about the other chapters as I am always open to suggestions

I often don't like big skips like this, but I think it works here, as the last chapter gave us a good deal of background.

This is pretty nit-picky, but I'm not sure present day is quite accurate for 23 years after the Battle of Hogwarts, as that would be 2021. That's a good bit into the future. I suppose it means the present day for the rest of the story, but my immediate thought was that this was going to be set two or three years before Rose and Albus start Hogwarts.

Again REALLY nit-picky and might be something you've included for emphasis or something, in which case, ignore me, but I think "it wasn't" might sound better than "it was not" when she is speaking of her feelings about her sister.

While Elizabeth does seem really bold (more Irish terms - um, troublesome, difficult), I'm not sure I like the prefect either. I could understand if she were angry at Anne or relieved she were expelled because of being, understandably, afraid of her, but neither is quite the feeling I get. It seems more like she's enjoying seeing her in trouble. Even if Elizabeth does deserve it, and it really sounds like she does, that is a pretty creepy attitude, particularly from a prefect, who SHOULD be somebody you could depend on not to behave vindictively.

I'm starting to wonder about Elizabeth. She's not just bold; her behaviour doesn't strike me as entirely normal. She seems like a kid who's pretty troubled over something. Of course, kids fight, but attacking a prefect simply for telling her off is extreme. And by her age, she should have enough self-control not to get in multiple fights in one day. OK, she's upset about being expelled, but the attack on the prefect happened before that. Looking forward to getting a bit more insight into what's going on in the girl's head.

If she's two years younger than Scorpius, then I guess she'll be in Lily's year.

And honestly, hating a school is no excuse for attacking people.

There shouldn't be an apostrophe after "its" when talking about Beauxbatons being "the finest school of its kind".

And there should be a full stop and not a comma after Elizabeth turns to her father, when cheeking Lucius Malfoy about his actions at the Battle of Hogwarts.

She has good reason to be pleased. She's lucky to be accepted at Hogwarts after her behaviour. I hope they can help her deal with whatever is going on with her.

Author Response

As you read the story it all becomes a lot clearer.  Elizabeth was pushed around a lot by the students and staff at Beauxbatons.  Much of this is explained as the story progresses.

The prefect DID enjoy the fact that the girl was being expelled and Anne was designed as the big sister from Hell.   Much of that mental standpoint was from the fact that Anne set a high bar by being "perfect" and that she enjoyed the fact that her younger sister could not meet that bar.  She actually tormented her sister and then acted as though she didn't exist.

I thank you for your insight about my story.  I work in a middle school and many of the characters in the story are modeled after some of my students.

I see many students who act out aggressively because they do not like school so that was placed in the story.

As for the date I did place her in Lily's class and may be a little off on the date.

I really like the first paragraph of this. There's a couple of mysteries being set up straight away - who Artemis Trane is, though I guess that's less of a mystery and more just something we don't know yet, whose the body is.

This sentence seems to be phrased a little awkwardly "The sounds of the battle that had been raging when last he remembered had ceased and the sun was rising in the East." It sort of took me a reread to completely get it. Something like, "the last he remembered, the sounds of the battle had been raging, but now they'd ceased and the sun was rising in the East" might be clearer. Putting the clause, "when last he remembered," in the middle makes it a little confusing.

You writing his feelings really well. The description of his pain is so well written, I could almost grimace in sympathy.

And ooh, I thought he was going to be the hero, but looks like he'll be the villain.

I would expect a Death Eater to use the term "Healer" rather than "doctor". I wouldn't have thought they'd generally be too familiar with Muggle terms.

Like the dismissive way he speaks of Muggles being blind about everything. It's in character...well, for just about any pureblood really, but especially for Death Eaters.

And Ephraim is pretty..."cute" to use an Irish term. I guess "cunning" is the closest in standard English. He gets money from Artemis not to betray him and money from the Aurors to do so. Of course, it's POSSIBLE he's just taking Artemis's money to keep his cover, but I don't get that impression. I get the impression he's playing his own game.

I really didn't expect him to betray Artemis. You are good at keeping us in suspense.

He's an Animagus. Interesting.

And the last paragraph is pretty creepy and ominous.

I'm really surprised this story hasn't any reviews yet. Not sure how long it's been up, of course.

Author Response

I started posting in September and try to post about every other week.

Thank you, I liked Ephraim too.

JOIN HARRY POTTER FANFICTION

Get access to every new feature the moment it comes out.