Harry Potter Fanfiction – Read Over 85,000 Stories!

Hi.  Another lovely chapter.  I enjoyed the whole thing.  I think your writing really good, and I especially enjoy all your descriptions.  They're brief but very vivid, and you make every word count, which really works to paint a vivid picture in my mind.

There was one minor, really nit picky thing I noticed that I'll just mention, but it's nothing that couldn't be left alone.  In fact, it may not even strike you as something that needs changing.  In the paragraph where you describe Yvette, you've got two sentences in a row where you use the word 'although' to contrast the two sentence parts.  Those two 'although's were a little repetitive to my ears, so you might consider rephrasing one of the sentences differently to eliminate the repetitive word.

I liked the reason you gave for why Wallburga chose to read muggle books, and the differences she noticed between muggle and wizard books.  You logic made a lot of sense.  There was also a nice balance of narration and dialogue in this chapter.  The balance felt better than in the last chapter.  There were a few new people Wallburga encountered, so it felt like the world we saw was slowly expanding, and the dialogue helped to add interest to the characters, and moved the action along in a natural way.  I enjoyed the part with Slughorn, and I do hope there'll be a Slug club dinner party sometime down the road.  I look forward to reading the next chapter whenever it's up.

Author Response

Hi!

Ahh, an actual reader!  You're following my story?  Thanks so much! *squeals*

I will definitely change that nitpick;D thanks for pointing it out!

Thanks for the great compliments and comments!  It means so much!

-Janelle

I find the more I read this, the more I want it to keep going! Lol. I think you've done a good job with Walburga. She seems detached, but not cold. Depressed, almost, and I can see why other people would she was cynical. 

Yes, good god, what is up with Abraxas? He's giving me the creeps! (good job, btw. lol) And the blue yes... not sure what color Tom's eyes were, but I'm guessing we'll know here in a bit.

I'm more curious as to what's going on with Winston, really. Not sure why, maybe it's because he's the more plain and simple quiet type, but I think he may be my favorite of her friends. I'm worried about him, so I care for him. 

As far as CC, there were times your tense slipps. Through most of it you're in a present tense, "I glance" "I say" "I decide" but every now again one of your verbs ends up in past tense. Not so much in this chapter, I noticed it more in the other two. +] 

In the first few paragraphs, you kinda repeated yourself a bit with her currently reading Emma. You mention it at the end of the first paragraph and then expound on it again a few paragraphs down with the same details. It pulled me out of the story a bit, which is the only reason I mentioned it. Also, this sentence needs a little work. (I'm not trying to be picky, just make a point to have some CC in the things I read.)

"Grabbing my bag, which I packed the previous evening with all of my textbooks, and I stuff Emma into the bag as well and follow Elladora up the stairs which lead into the Common Room."

It would probably read better something like "Grabbing my bag, packed the previous evening with all of my textbooks, I stuff Emma in as well and follow Elladora..." 

Of course, it's up to you, I just think it would read a bit better without the extra 'and'.

You've managed to build up quite a bit of suspense, and I look forward to seeing what else this unexpected voice has to say. I'm a little rusty with my pureblood family tree, but you've done a good job on getting us all acquainted with who is who in the first chapter, as well as letting us bond with a character we normally wouldn't have thought about. 

Not sure if you were still up for a review when i started reading, so don't feel obliged or anything. +] 

Until next time!

RHJ

Author Response

RHJ

Thanks for the great review.  I'll go through and fix the typos.  In my work, that kind of stuff is just inevitable. :p

I love Winston too, and he will become a bigger role later on in the story.  He'll grow as a character, don't worry!

I'm so glad that I wrote the suspense well enough.  Thanks so much!

-Janelle

Hi Janelle!

Ooh, so this was interesting! I've never read a fic about Walburga black, but this was surprisingly amazing.

But first things first: "Across the room, I Alphard is mumbling in his sleep." Slight typo?

Anyways, the way you've portrayed Walburga is different than what I could have imagined. She does not seem like the Walburga I've read about, especially because the one in the books hates everyone who isn't pure and proud of it. I'm curious to see if you explore how she becomes like that, and if it might have to do with Orion.

The fact that Alphard doesn't seem to be taken with the puritanical ways that the Blacks are notorious for either is also very interesting. They still do not believe that muggles are anything their equal, but it seems that Sirius isn't the only one to have doubts on the extreme purist views of his family.

Poor Walburga, destined to marry Orion. I do wonder what his secret is. As mentioned before, does it have anything to do with how Walburga becomes how she is?

And Kreacher! I've never seen him painted in such a nice light, other than in DH, so it was a pleasant surprise. I quite enjoyed how he would bring Walburga and Alphard little snacks and how he would let them sleep in on Christmas Day.

Needless to say, this is different from anything else I have ever read and I really enjoyed it! It's very nicely written and has great potential, what with you at the helm! Keep up the good work!

Lo:)

Author Response

Lo!

Yes, slight typo. :p I've been meaning to fix that one.

Thanks for the great feedback on all the characters.  I do hope they grow on the readers well and are well enough written. 

Thanks!

-Janelle

Hello!

I found this to be an awesome start to a story. I got to really get a good look into Walburga's personality and opinions on her life and life in general. It totally hooked me, as those kinds of stories are some of my favorite. I like knowing so much about the main character so quickly :) 

I also appreciate the way you explain the pureblood life. I mean, everyone on the site knows what some of it contains, but you really flesh that out in this story and you let your reader know exactly what your MC thinks. Kudos to you for providing such a rich environment for your story. 

The only things I noticed were some spelling and grammar errors, and some words that probably got overlooked in editing. Otherwise, this was really well done :) 

--Monica

Author Response

Hi, Monica!

Thanks for the great review!  Yes, there are a few errors that I've been meaning to fix, but haven't found the time.  I will though, and thanks for pointing them out!

-Janelle

This was really well done. I had absolutely no interest in Walburga Black before reading this story, but you have done a great job introducing it and I find myself wondering what will happen next. :)

Author Response

Thanks! -Janelle

Hi Janelle - here for our review swap! :)

I thought it very appropriate  to her upbringing that when Walburga was describing her friends, she mentioned their blood status - as that is one of the most important descriptors of a person in her eyes.

Elladora... any chance the same Elladora that later cuts off house-elf heads and affixes them to the Grimmauld Place wall? (I think her name was Elladora.) Sounds like she went through quite a change as well as Walburga.

The castle has eyes... eek! So they've caught on that Walburga isn't as into the pureblood pomp-and-circumstance as she pretends to be - her lies aren't believable and someone has heard/seen something.

At this point I'm starting to wonder whether Walburga ever did change to hate Mudbloods or whether she was just really vocal about it to keep up appearances, and the habit stuck. That would be so strange if Sirius' mum whose portrait hangs in Grimmauld Place and screeches about blood traitors, didn't actually believe what she was saying and just said it to keep up family honour!

Great chapter, raises lots of interesting questions. I'm excited to see where this goes!

Author Response

Hi!

No, this isn't the same Elladora. This one isn't Elladora Black.  If she were, she'd be dead, because she died in 1931. (truthfully, I just loved the name)

Maybe, maybe not, on your assumptions about the castle's eyes...

You'll find out the answer about Walburga turning into the woman she is.  Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong.  You'll just have to wait and see!;D

Thanks for the lovely review!

-Janelle

Hey, here from the review battle!

Quick question: are you copying and pasting your chapters in straight from Word, or are you using the Simple Editor to post chapters? The reason I ask is because using the first method is usually what causes these big gaps between paragraphs, and I'd definitely recommend that you try the second method if you aren't using it already.

Ooh, "the castle has eyes!" I'm assuming he means that people in the castle, probably other prominent Slytherins, will be watching Walburga to make sure she doesn't slip up or disgrace her family name. It must be intimidating to be surrounded by expectations like this all the time, and I do feel bad for her. I think what hit home for me was the fact that she considered the castle, not her actual house, to be her home. She just can't wait to get away from her parents and to see her relatively carefree friends again.

Speaking of Walburga's friends, I like them a lot. Sometimes it gets too much to see only stodgy, formal Slytherins when we know that even Draco and his friends had some fun at one time or another (okay, dubiously-motivated fun, but fun all the same). Walburga's interaction with Abraxas is interesting - is she perhaps repressing some feelings for him, or is it really just animosity to the core as far as she's concerned? At least she got away from Orion for a moment. It's sad to think that she eventually ends up with him despite her dashing male friends.

Nice work! Looking forward to the next :)

-Amanda

Author Response

Hey!

I will definitely use that advice.  Thanks!

You're the first person to guess what 'The castle has eyes' means.  Maybe you're wrong, maybe you're right.  You'll have to wait and see!

I'm so relieved you like Elladora, Beaux and Winston. I am extremely nervous when I write them, because I want them to be human, but all the while not too human, because they have different opinions on things rather than Walburga, which is who I write through, so they make me nervous when I write.

As for Abraxas, if you find it interesting and strange, that's what I'm aiming for.  Yes, at least she got away from Orion.  Yes, it is sad that she eventually ends up with him.:(

Thanks, Amanda!

-Janelle

Hi!  I'm here for the Eleventh Day of the Twelve Days of Reviewing, which is all about the mystery genre. :)

I like this idea!  Walburga Black is certainly not very prevalent in fanfiction.  I think it's awesome that you've chosen to give her a voice, and it's a rather different voice than what I thought she might have!  I am surprised to know that she cares not for pureblood society and thoughtless things like she is supposed to.  It is also surprising that she doesn't exactly hate Muggles!  I wonder what changed to make her hate them?

Seeing Kreacher being happy was most unusual!  I loved it!  He does come around in Deathly Hallows, but most of the time he's in the books, he's grumpy, creepy, and mean.  I'm glad that you've portrayed him in his happier days--you did a great job, I think!

This is a great first chapter! :)

~UnluckyStar57

Author Response

Hi!

Wow, thanks for picking my story for the Twelve Days of Reviewing!

Thanks for the great comments!  Everything means a lot!

-Janelle

Hi, it's DumbledoresArmyRocks here from the forums. I just wanted to start off by apologizing for doing all your prizes so late. I know I closed that challenge end of October or so and this is all VERY late. 
Now on to your review. 
I really like this story so far. This is the first story I read about Walburga and the characters before the marauders so I enjoyed reading about what there time could've been like. I definitely enjoy the characters and how they interact together. Abraxas reminds me of a more sinister and in control Draco, and if I were in this time and in the story, he would honestly scare me. Can't wait to read more into this story. Thanks for entering my story challenge!

Author Response

Hey!

It's no problem.  I completely understand!  Just thanks for getting around to them!  Better late than never!  

Thanks for the lovely compliments!  It means a lot!  I'm so happy you can't wait to read more!

Thanks!

-Janelle

Hello, here for the Review Battle!

Wow, this is definitely a unique plot! It's cool that you decided to explore such unusual background characters. Given what we know about Walburga from canon, I can only imagine how prejudiced and unpleasant her mother must be. It's interesting that she and her siblings have these ideas about wanting to break free and disliking their pureblood lifestyle, and yet it seems all has been forgotten when it comes time for Walburga to have her own children.

Your writing style is really formal, which I would expect given the subject matter. I'd be curious to see if Walburga will loosen up, both in word and deed, over time or if she'll just grow into an even stiffer version of herself.

I noticed a few typos and some awkward phrasing scattered throughout, but it doesn't really take away from the piece. Overall, I commend you on trying something new. Good luck with the story!

-Amanda

Author Response

Hi Amanda!

Thanks for the great review. I'm glad that you enjoyed reading this. There's bound to be awkward phrases and typos in my work. Thanks so much!

-Janelle

Hi!  I was happy to find another chapter of this story on your page.  I've been checking for one since I read your first chapter.  I enjoyed this chapter as well.

There are only 3 constructive crits I have. have which are all very minor, nothing bad at all.  1) The chapter struck me as a little slow moving early on just because of the writing style you've chosen with everything so focused on Wallburga's own thoughts.  2)  I agree with one of your other reviewers that a little more description of the surroundings would be nice.  3) I was craving a little more dialogue from all the characters once Wallburga's friends came onto the scene.  

Overall, the storytelling was good, and I'm very interested in your story premise.  You did describe the castle very vividly - I loved that passage, and you did an excellent job describing the characters so that I could see them in my mind's eye.

The story portrays Wallburga with the exact opposite personality of how we see her portrait in Cannon, so I can only wonder if she's going to have a dramatic character change.  That would be marvelously interesting.   At the moment Wallburga's school friends seem as nice as she is.  They're not the typical snobby intolerant purebloods that Slytherins are usually portrayed as being.  Which is refreshing to see, because in Canon, Slughorn implies that most Slytherins are pretty good folks and that it's only a few bad apples that always spoil the barrel.  But then, in Deathly Hallows, McGonagall has Filch take all of Slytherin house to the dungeon, and we get the feeling that they all deserve it.  So the books seem to contradict themselves there.

But back to your story - Abraxas and his crowd were just what was needed to give this chapter a hint of greater conflict to come.  The castle has eyes.  Ooh, I absolutely love that line.  It hints of ominous things to come.  And I, for one, hope they will be very ominous!  I'll be keeping an eye out for more of the story.

Author Response

Wow, thanks for the lovely review!  I'll fix everything you pointed out, and like I said to the others who pointed out the lack of description, I'll be adding that in!

I'm so thrilled that you like this story, and that you're keeping an eye on it *blushes* I'm so touched! One of my first real followers on the story.  EEP!

Thanks!

-Janelle

Hello my Secret Santa, here is my gift to you...ONE AWESOME REVIEW! (you have to sing this first line to the tune of the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' to get the full effect ;)
 
I was so excited to get your name, if you can find out why you'll win a prize! Here's my review for your amazing chapters. Merry Christmas, LilyLou! Here's wishing you the best!
 
***
 
First off, I'm thrilled that you're exploring a new character and one as interesting as Walburga Black. I like seeing a different side to her that I normally wouldn't expect. The most I know of her is from Harry's stay at Grimmauld Place and the side we saw there was far from pleasant. Perhaps in this story we find out what changed her?
 
I love that you mentioned a little bit about how the pure bloods dressed. They're so prejudiced against muggles yet they're several years behind them in fashion. This always stuck out to me as odd while I was reading the books so I'm glad someone else mentioned it!
 
I am curious about how she knows so much about muggles and Christmas? Is it just from the books she secretly reads? I want to know more about her and her 'secret life'. 
 
'The castle has eyes'...Dun dun dun...such a Slytherin thing to say. Don't you think? Great ending :)
 
All in all, really well done. You developed your character quite nicely and your writing style was consistent throughout your first two chapters. You did a lot of great foreshadowing and gave just enough information to draw the reader in. The only cc I have is minor. At times, I'd like to see more description of her surroundings and those around her. We have access to her thoughts but we sometimes lack her vision. 
 
I'd favorite this but I'd give myself away ;) Can't wait to read more!!
 
xoxo,
 
your Secret Santa

P.S. I'm SO sorry this is late! More gifts are on the way :)

Author Response

Hello, Secret Santa!

Ahh, you were excited to get my name?! I feel so touched. I'm gonna do some snooping around after I write a response to this...

Thanks for all the lovely compliments!  This is my new pride and joy, if you can't tell, so all the lovely positives you pointed out are just wonderful!  As for the cc, I think over my Christmas break, which technically starts on Monday, I'm going to edit the first two chapters and send them over to Jenna (Lululuna, my beta) and then post them up when the queue opens back up!

Thanks so much!

Janelle

P.S. It's perfectly alright. I understand! Better late than never!(:

Hi LilyLou! Here for the review swap :)

Wow, so I've never read a story about the (lesser known) Blacks before. This is really intriguing! I love the relationship between Alphard and Walburga; it seems like he's the only one she truly cares about in their lives, as opposed to all those distant relatives and parents that barely know their names. I like the confined aristocratic setting you've created for those two; I'm a sucker for historical stuff. Your style is reminiscent of Libba Bray's A Great and Terrible Beauty  series-- I'd recommend reading that if you haven't already. Really great books. This chapter was really short but I get a clear sense of who Walburga and I'm so glad this isn't a one-shot but what will be a full-fledged story. I hate it when writers limit their creative ideas to some small abstract blurb and leave really open endings. I want resolution! I can't wait to see where this story goes and I see that you have the second chapter up so I may come back to revisit that soon. :)

Happy days!

Author Response

Thanks so much for the lovely review! I'll definitely read those books you recommended.  The chapters will start getting longer after the second one. I just didn't want to put too much in one chapter. Thanks so much again, this review made me smile!

-Janelle

Hello! :) Of course I've already read this, but that was all about grammar and boring things, so thought I'd stop by to leave some love! 

I'm so happy you updated this! The chapter flowed really well off of the first chapter what with Walburga's dark voice and thoughts, but also showed a more upbeat and motherly side to her character which I love. I'm really excited to see how she turns into the evil bitter woman in the portrait who Sirius resents so much, and what's going to happen to her friends and family along the way. 

Elladora, Beaux and Winston are wonderful characters! I like how they all have different reasons for appealing to Walburga and how comfortable the four of them are around each other, without a hint of romance (at least right now!). I'm also quite fascinated by Abraxas: he seems in control of his friends in a way reminiscent of Draco, though with less immaturity and the need to show off. Abraxas just radiates power instead of bullying others into thinking he has it. I think he's a really appealing character despite his obvious evil. One thing I really enjoy about this story is the amount of enemies and possible enemies Walburga has- having a lot of conflict makes for a very exciting story! 

Hmm... possibly his friends are some Crabbe and Goyle grandparents?! :P If so that's awesome-I love the idea of generations of Malfoys being served by generations of Crabbes and Goyles- too funny!

So Walburga can see Thestrals? I wonder who she's seen die? I feel like she still has a great deal of history and dark secrets which will be slowly revealed, and I'm excited to learn more about why she's so damaged and continues to hate her family. 

Abraxas' comments about the castle having eyes are so chilling! I'm worried for her, and wondering why he felt the need to deliver such a cryptic message. I'm also looking forward to learning how Hogwarts was in that era and what Walburga is like as a student. 

Looking forward to the next chapter! :D

Author Response

Ahh Jenna, thanks so much for dropping by!

This review made my smile. I'm so thrilled that you like this story. You'll be the first to know why Walburga turns out to be how she is, and believe me when I say that that is the first thing I planned out, because what inspired me to write this was the question 'Why is Walburga so evil and crazy in her portrait?' 

Elladora, Beaux and Winston are three characters that will be a large part of the story, as well as Abraxas, so I spent a great deal of time outlining what i want them to be like. I honestly think Abraxas is my masterpiece of this entire story, though. 

Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong about Crabbe and Goyle. However, I dropped a tricky hint in the first chapter's second A/N as to who one of them may be. 

I'm so happy that I got that mysterious factor across like I hoped I would. I try hard to get that across. 

You'll learn about her as a student in either the next chapter or the fourth. But don't worry, Hogwarts will be making its appearance in classes soon!

Thanks so much!

-Janelle

Hi! I'm here for our review swap. Sorry it took me a while!

Wow, this is really cool! It is so interesting to see the crazy, blood-purity-obsessed Walburga Black so... normal. Certainly nothing like the screaming, spitting portrait that hangs in Grimauld Place - in this she seemed resentful of her pureblooded upbringing. I'm really looking forward to seeing what made that change, from being this kind of jaded kid to turning into exactly what she would have hated as a kid.

I like that you included how much Kreacher cares about her, being willing to take the blame for Walburga sleeping in. She seems to have cared for him a lot more than her mother did, so it makes sense that Kreacher would have been so attached to her.

The comments about the second world war really interested me. It makes me wonder if that is the basis of her feelings towards Muggles and that's a reason why she grows to hate them so much later.

What a cool start! This is a really creative take on Walburga and I think you've done a wonderful job in this first chapter!!

Author Response

Thanks so much!  Everyone wonders what happened to Walburga, and that's exactly what I was aiming for!  You'll just have to wait and see how it all plays out (even I don't know the details of that, haha!)

Thanks again!

-Janelle

Hi!

I rather liked the bleak description that Walburga had. It was rather unexpected to say the least because given how wordy she is in portrait form I almost anticipated it to be the same here, but it was so sparse and bare and a great surprise. It just gave this air of remoteness from her and the world and fitted really well with her thoughts.

Her comments on her family were really interesting to read. It was as if she wanted to regard them with contempt but there was still that small part of her which held her back as if she could never really voice what she wanted to. It was an interesting dynamic and fitted well with the pure blood idea of women being restricted in their speech.

The comments on Muggles again intrigued me because they were so shocking. I hope you develop the backstory as to why she thinks like that about them as it is a little different and would be great to read. Then again, from the way she’s describing the horrors of pure blood life I don’t really blame her yearning for a Muggle one!

The last line was really powerful. She really is on the verge of giving up here so it will be interesting to see how she decides to carry on with the struggle of what she wants. I also really like her characterisation as well because that’s though provoking too.

I spotted a few small errors such as here ‘Across the room, I Alphard is mumbling in his sleep.’ Where you don’t need the I. You were often quite keen on using semicolons throughout this piece too, which is good because you used them correctly but varying it up a little will make it more fresh. :)

Great start and I can’t wait to read more!

-Kiana

Author Response

Kiana!

Thanks so much for the lovely review!  There's always mistakes in my pieces, even with the lovely Lululuna beta-ing it.  I'll go through and fix that up a bit, and tone down with the semicolons (I love them, in case you couldn't tell).

Thanks so much!

-Janelle

Hi, after reading your 'creepy' one-shot, I decided to check this out too, and really liked it.  Your writing style is wonderfully descriptive, which I really enjoy.  This story was engaging from the very first sentence and it held my interest to the end.  You picked a great character to write about and you did it well.  I felt like I was reading a diary with the character's innermost thoughts.  And she had a lot of interesting things to say.  I was a little surprised that Wallburga's attitude was so different in her youth than what it came to be in her later years, but it gave us a wonderful insight into the Black family through her eyes, and to relatives we know nothing about from canon.

Just a few minor things I'll mention if you ever feel a need to edit this piece - There were some places where the sentence flow was a little awkward, but that happens with a lot of writers, me included, especially when you're trying to be descriptive.  And I'm not British, but there are some American words in there that don't fit, like cookies.  Also the modern expression 'Mother will have a cow" - you might want to substitute something like 'Mother will be in a state'.
Also a few grammar errors I noticed, probably just typos from pasting edits:
1) he doesn't never speaks to muggles  2) which I knowhall, which I know leads to the ballroom  3) who heldold the doors to the ballroom open

Overall though, this was really good, and I'm glad I decided to read it.  The Black family is fascinating, and I was glad to find a story like this.  You've done a nice job here.  Keep up the descriptive writing style.  You're good at it, and it works.  Just watch sentence flow.  I read a tip on the forum once where a member suggested reading the story out loud to check sentence flow.  If a paragraph is awkward to read out loud, it probably needs rephrasing.  I think that's a great tip and have started using it with my own writing.  Maybe it would help you too.  Anyway, great work!

Author Response

Hi!

Thanks for reading this!  It's my new baby.  I'm glad you find this interesting and well written! I'm not British either, and do my best to britpick!  I'll go through and take a look at those though, as well as the typos!  

Thanks for the great advice and lovely comments!  It means a lot!

-Janelle

I'm here with your second review!

I love love love stories about the Black Family. They are so under developed in the books that a fanfiction author has so much freedom when writing a story about them. 

In the books, Walburga is presented as a vilely pureblood witch (er, portrait) who screamed insults at the muggleborns. You've given her a more human side, which I like. In my opinion, a person is never born evil, it is the circumstances under which they are brought up which influences their character. 

In your story Walburga sounds like a perfectly normal girl, someone who I wouldn't mind being friends with. She's scared of what her family will think of her if she breaks the rules and hence keeps all her thoughts bottled within her. Perhaps if she had been casted out of the family, she would have been a much better person. One would never know, I suppose.

One thing that really interested me was the fact that wizards were a bit behind the muggles when it came to clothing. What do you think was the reason for that? How did Walburga know how muggles dressed before her time? I always imagined that pureblood families, especially their children, rarely had any interaction with muggles (unless it was for-ahem- the occasional killing spree).

Walburga seems to really care for her brothers and is scared when Alphard's behavior was becoming less 'Black'. If I remember correctly, Alphard was the one who funded Sirius' escape from home and Walburga cast him out of the family. Imagine her emotions then.

Your ending of the chapter was rather haunting. How did Walburga really die? Did she really hang herself?  Was the pressure of being a paragon of purebloodedness (which isn't a word, unfortunately) too much for her to handle?

Author Response

Hi!

I'm glad you liked this story.  It's actually a novel, not a one-shot, so she didn't really want to die. It was a thought.  Haha.  And Walburga obviously grows into a horrible woman who was one of Voldemorts followers, of course.  This story will reflect what she goes through.  Alphard is indeed the one that left Sirius' a large amount of gold in his will.  All of Alphard's fortunes went to Sirius, because Alphard was much like Sirius.  

Again, I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter!  There's PLENTY more to come!

-Janelle

Hello! Thank you for entering my challenge! :D 

I was so excited that you chose Walburga since she truly is an unexpected character, and you're right in thinking this story is pretty original. I think you're extending it to a novel? That is really cool, and I think there's so many aspects of Walburga's life and the transformation into the horrible woman we know as Sirius' mum to be explored.

I love your first sentence. The dynamic between Walburga and Kreacher is an interesting one that I never really questioned before reading this story. I find that we expect all purebloods to treat their house elves as horribly as the Malfoys did, but Kreacher clearly had a great attachment to Walburga and I think you're developing that here, that she could be kind to him and appreciate him. But the first line, about how nobody ever counted Kreacher as a person, said volumes about the way the purebloods think of house elves. 

I really love Walburga's voice here, even the dark thoughts that stew beneath her exterior. It's interesting how she's going to turn into the woman who will hate her son for having similar rebellious ideas. I enjoyed her disgust with all the purebloods, and the descriptions and explanations of Abraxas and Orion. (By the way, I had no idea they were second cousins! That makes a lot of sense, seeing as they had the same last name!). I also thought the descriptions of how she felt about Muggles was quite interesting, and how much the Muggle war has affected the wizards. When Walburga was comparing a Muggle Christmas to a wizarding Christmas I could really feel the undertones of longing for the poor girl.

I'm curious to see how you'll play with the time period and the particular setting of pureblood London more in the next chapters. Looking forward to the next one! :)

Author Response

Hey!

This is in fact going to be a novel- this was a bit of an introductory chapter. But I'm glad you find this interesting!  It took a lot of thinking and time- and I'm still not happy with it.  It relieves me that you think I portrayed it well.

Thanks so much for the challenge! 

-Janelle

Hello!  I absolutely love stories about minor characters like this, and I was really pleased that you requested it.  It definitely does seem like an original idea for a story!

Since this is a story about minor characters, you have managed to catch my attention straight away.  The thing that I'm most intrigued about here is your characterisation; at this point she seems to be growing up in a way that seems very similar to what Sirius had to go through.  She seems really disillusioned with the pureblood society and her parents' beliefs, so I'm curious to know how she's going to end up being the woman who condemns her son for not following the pureblood line.  

I find it quite believable that Walburga is feeling rebellious at this point, because it's quite a normal thing for teens to go through.  Her thoughts are rather dark, but again, for someone who is feeling quite depressed or down, they're also believable and realistic.

One thing I would suggest you watch out for is your tenses; there's quite a lot of switching between present and past tense and it disrupts the flow of the story a bit.

Another aspect that you might want to pay a bit more attention to is the time that you're setting this in - I'm no expert in history, but there are certain things here that sound out of place.  For example, the snack of cookies is quite American - in 1941 I doubt the term would have been much used here.  'Biscuits' is a much more English alternative.  <i>"Sure, he didn't speak to muggles"</i> - the 'sure' at the beginning of this sentence seems quite American and I think perhaps something like 'certainly' would fit better with the period.

I think you convey the idea of a pureblood family really well.  There are lots of constrictions in place, lots of rules that must be adhered to, and you communicate that through your writing.  I can already see how suffocated Walburga and Alphard feel because of the family they have grown up in, and I'm intrigued to see how you're going to develop that in the rest of the story.

I hope this review was helpful for you, and please feel free to re-request!

Sian :)

Author Response

Sian!

Thanks for the great review!  I'm so happy you find it interesting- I was nervous that no one would want to read about Walburga.

I'm glad you find my characterization good; and that the dark thoughts weren't a little too over the top.  

As for how Walburga turns into the woman we know her as, you'll just have to wait and see... ;D

I definitely am aware of my tenses- my thirteen year old self is having issues with grammar, naturally.  But I will get a beta.  I will also get a beta to fix my American slang! That is one thing I need to fix, of course.

I'm relieved you find my pureblood society well written.  That was a part I was iffy on.  But I trust you when you say it's a job well done!

Thanks!

-Janelle

Hi there! BLONDEbehaviour here with your requested review!

I really enjoyed reading this! This is the first fic i have read that is any earlier in time before the Maruders, and it was a neat one-shot! Well done!

I liked how you described her quite well, so we knew what she looked like and such, especially for the party. Perhaps a little more description of her bedroom would suffice for that description :)

I liked how you showed that the pureblood society isn't perfect and does have its flaws, even back in the 1940's, with the beatings of her second cousin.

But, in the pureblood society, it was rare that anyone did care- Loved this line!!

I couldn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes (yay!!) but there are a couple of suggestions that I have that could help improve it :)
Maybe giving us an age of Walburga, so we know when this is going on in her life, as I do not know at the year of 1941 what her age would be. If that would just be me, then don't worry!
Also, maybe a little extra info on her brother and Cygnus. How old are they both, and who's baby is Cygnus? Is that her mums baby? I'm just asking these because I'm not sure whether anyone would have researched as extensively as you did :) (kudos for doing that by the way!)

I hope this was help, and I wish you all the very best for your competition!

Please respond to this review, thanks :)

Grace

Author Response

Grace!

Thanks for the lovely review.  I'm glad you liked it.  It's actually going to be a novel... haha.  So some of those that you asked to are to come!  Though, I should mention Walburga is sixteen.  Cygnus is her mums, and her and Alphard's little brother.  I assumed that people would know this, but then again, it is a generation that isn't much touched on.

Thanks for the lovely review. It means a lot!

-Janelle

Hi!!! 
I have to say, I've never read a fic about Walburga. It's a really cool idea to write about this era and these characters. 

I like the idea of WWII and the wizards - it would be cool to explore that more. What kind of impact did it have on the wizarding world? Suddenly I'm dying to know. 

While it's pretty neat to read about these characters who were just names on a family tree. What might help is to have more dialogue between the characters. Description without interaction is a bit dense to get through. There's not a ton of action to the narrative. That might help create more of hook for the reader to dive into the story. 

It's a pretty dark narrative but there's not a lot of context about why Walburga is so miserable. It would be nice to have a bit more insight for her dour mood. 

One small formatting note is to try having just one space between each line. One person told me that it's part of the validation requirements (but if it's not try keeping them just a line space apart).

Author Response

Hi!

Thanks for the well written review.  I'll go more in depth with WWII as the fic goes on!  Though, I'll have to read up on France, Britain, and a couple other countries and their roles in the war.  I'm from America, and young, so I haven't taken world history in school, nor have I ever taken the time to read up on their parts.  But I will!

I will add more dialogue.  This was just an introduction to the fic.  It'll have more context and such as it moves on!

The spacings always gives me issues.  It is part of the validation requirements that it adds extra returns in the story, and it drives me nuts.  

Thanks!

-Janelle

Hmm. This is defiantly different. I have to say it is a rather interesting story that sheds light on a character that is normally over looked (I always adore stories like these you see). It always humors me to listen to pure-blood children complain about their fussy parents (odd I know). It was great to hear of a nice Kreatcher though! If you write more of this I will be sure to read it :)
XOXOXO.
LLG

Author Response

Thanks!  I'm glad you enjoyed this story.  There's a LOT more to come.  And the nice Kreacher comes from the assumptions that Kreacher was very fond of Walburga.  He always calmed the portrait down when "dirty blood" would enter Grimmauld Place in the books.  

Thanks for the lovely review!  I'm glad you liked it!

-Janelle

Reviews (23 found)

JOIN HARRY POTTER FANFICTION