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Reading Reviews for Paradise
2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by adluvshp Dream of Paradise

8th March 2013:
Hey there!

Oh dear, such a painful little piece to read. Though this was short, I think you managed to express George's pain very well through your narrative.

I liked the sort of unconnected sentences sometimes which showed just how broken George was and expressed the depth of his pain. The part about him covering all the mirrors in his house because he couldn't bear to look at his own reflection touched me deeply and I almost want to cry now!

My favourite quote has to be this: "He was sinking without Fred; he needed him to keep afloat." It truly showed just how much George needed his twin brother and was such a powerful sentence. I also like the concept of George dreaming of "paradise" where he was at peace.

All in all, I think you really managed to do justice to George's loss and pain, and showed it powerfully with your descriptions. I was engrossed in reading this and the emotions really stood out to me. The only small CC (if you can call it that) I'd give you is that perhaps you should break the big chunks of paragraphs into smaller ones? That'd make for a smoother read.

Besides that, great great job! 10/10


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Review #2, by Celtic_Dreamer7 Dream of Paradise

7th March 2013:
This was a beautifully written one-shot. The idea of loosing a sibling, let alone a twin, is heart-wrenching and almost impossible to imagine. Your story shows just how much he cared for his twin and how alone he is now that he is gone. You have a great eye for descriptions and drawing the reader in with your emotional writing techniques.

I only saw one error: "tides with threatened to pull him under". Should that have been "tides which threatened"? It wasn't a major issue and it didn't pull me out of the story, just something I thought I would point out. Great story. I hope you continue writing well into the future.


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