Wow. I am not very sure what's going on in the story right now but your writing is good. I am looking forward to the next chapter, great work!
Operation green with envy
Author's Response: Thank youuu for the lovely review! :D
Oh, no science in this chapter yet, but I liked it anyway. No explination either, but thats okay as well.
The only problem is that now I have to leave wanting to know even more than I did before! I dont really know what is going on, or even if they are muggles or wizards. I assumed that they were wizards because of the bit about Voldemort and Harry at the start, but because they didnt use any magic, even when they were in danger or wanted to talk privately, made them seem muggle or at least underage.
I just realised the year, and that this is set long after Harry or even his children would have died, so I assume that this is the main era you are writing in and that they might be magic, but the wizarding community has been wiped out.
Either way, the writing was brilliant, and the characters are good; I am just not sure whether they are good or bad, or if I really like them or not.
Good job, I like it alot and I'm looking forward to the next update- and a bit more information on the whole situation ;)
I read the summary, and found it very interesting and intriguing. However, I was a bit reluctant to read it because I could only think that there is no way you could pull it off. There are so many great (and sometimes crazy) plot ideas that are ruined because the author finds themselves way out of there depth. It would either seem childish, or completely pathetic, unless it was written amazingly.
And you know what? I think you just might be able to do this.
The character voice is strong and likeable, and there is just that perfect balance and flow that keeps you hooked to the story. When you flicked from memories to present thoughts, it was noticeable but not a disturbance to the story at all.
I am really interested to see how you develop this, and how the next chapter turns out, especially if it explains everything! I like it a lot, and I think it has loads of potential.
Good luck and good job :)
Hello, hello, it's blueirony here from the forums with your, admittedly very late, review as per your request!
I don't normally comment on a story's title, summary or banner. Particularly the banner. I don't know why but I don't. But I have to in this case. All three drew me in. I will always review any story that is requested by a fellow HPFF-er, but this is a story that I was genuinely excited to read about. It felt a bit like an adventure story that could easily span across a series of books and it got me really excited. Few stories can really do that to me.
Now, onto the specifics of your request. I'll first look at what you wanted me to really look at and then add in anything I want to.
1. Plot so far. Well, at the moment, it's hard to judge. Prologues are funny like that. They tease the reader and give us glimpses of the story and I know that I am left with a lot of questions. Why is everyone in the wizarding world speaking about Rose? You mentioned she is in a cell, is it a prison cell? She is wondering how "it" started, what is "it"? Why was she so filled with rage? She doesn't regret what she did, but should she? All those questions are gnawing at me. And that means you have done your job as a writer. Your prologue isn't too vague with few details and just a slab of text about nothing in particular. It is well structured and is just beginning to introduce Rose as a character and her surroundings and nothing more. You have planted a seed in me and now I can't wait for it to grow. It's everything a prologue should be.
If I can offer some criticism, I would say that you could work on contrasting the "then" and "now" a little bit more. At the start, when Rose is pondering how she got to where she is, it seems as though she jumped into the Burrow story a little too quickly. I would have liked a little more description before then. But that is me being very picky.
2. Characterisation of Rose. Excellent in both parts. Let me explian. The "now" Rose is brilliant. I can tell that she is frustrated and perhaps she is still a bit vengeful and I am intrigued. You haven't given me much about her, but you have given me enough to make me think that she is strong-willed, determined and stubborn, a "doer" if you will forgive me for using a childish word. The "then" Rose is no less brilliant. A lot of Next Gen writers struggle to write Rose. It's hard to capture the inquisitive curiosity that we all imagine Rose to have had without making her sound snobbish or arrogant. You have captured that here. She is mature beyond her age and is asking a lot of questions, but, as Rose said herself, she is just curious. Nothing more. Your "then" Rose doesn't give off an air of arrogance. So you have done well.
You have also gelled the "then" and "now" parts together well. Which leads me to the third part of your request.
3. Flow. It does flow well. I think that everything makes sense and it isn't like the story is jarring in parts or too heavy at other parts. I can read it easily and I was absorbed while reading it. I could go as far as to say that perhaps the Burrow story is a bit too happy, compared with the situation that Rose appears to be in "now". I think that Rose is currently in a horrible situation and maybe the story about Rose wanting to know where babies come from might be a bit too humorous and doesn't really work too well with the dark situation she is in now. Then again, it did make me smile and is a nice contrast. I'm contradicting myself here. I think I'm undecided on this one. I won't say I hate it, I won't say it doesn't work, I think that... Hm. Let me think. I think what the story needs is a bit more description and prose in the "now" part of the story, if that makes sense. I think that if you did that, this would be perfection.
Again, I am being very picky here. Because I really am intrigued and I have enjoyed the prologue. You have a solid base from which you can develop the plot in the rest of the story and I imagine that you will do very well while doing so.
You wouldn't believe how much I want to read the rest of this story. I can honestly tell you that I have no idea whats happening, but I want to read more of it like now. So an update please?
Everything about this was wonderful - the banner is stunning, the summary was just like BAH MUST READ and honestly, this chapter. Gah. More please. Now. I must have more.
I want to know what magic you're going to do :(
-adds to favourites-
Author's Response: Eep! Thank you! :D I'm so happy you want to read the rest of the story; though I'm a little fearful that you might be disappointed as it progresses, haha :P
I know, the banner is gorgeous, isn't it? I've to thank Raluca for that, my jaw dropped when I first saw it! :D
Thank you for the review, and the favourite! I hope you'll enjoy the future chapters (though, like I said, don't get your hopes up yet...)Thanks! :D
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
First of all, the summary sounded amazing and the story did not disappoint. Though you haven't gotten too far into your story as of yet, I can already see the beginnings of another fabulous and unique story. Magic disappearing? The end of the earth? A quest to save everything as they know it?
I think that the method of writing you're going to use, flipping between past and present, will be really effective with this story. It was particularly interesting to read the memory of an eight year old Rose with the thoughts and reflections of a much older (age unknown) Rose. To see the seeds of how it all began... That's something I love to read.
However, I found the flow a little awkward in parts. Though I appreciate the idea behind the switches in time (when you inserted comments from the present-day Rose) and think it's a fantastic way to tell this story, the manner in which you returned to the memory was a little stilted. For instance, you used "Back to my eighth Christmas" as a transition- the only problem I had with it is that you'd already portrayed Rose as such a knowledgable, sophisticated and world-weary person and those words seemed childish coming from her mouth. Would it be possible for you to phrase those transitions in another manner? Perhaps "Imagine yourself back at the scene at the Burrow"? Other than that, your flow from moment to moment was smoothly done.
From what I could see so far, Rose seems to be a very intriguing and interesting character. She's obviously responsible for something big, if everyone in the Wizarding World knows of her, and something dangerous, if she's dying. This is a very effective beginning chapter because it asks more questions than it answers, leaving readers anxious for more.
Rose is also obviously very self-aware and (as stated in the chapter itself) very curious. She knows now, or believes she knows, the roots of the beginning of her problems and knows how her personality traits have affected her life.
I wasn't sure if you wanted me to point out any grammatical mistakes but I noticed a few. First of all, in the phrase "all at once, something " there shouldn't be a comma. As well, with the phrase "on however a subconscious level" is the "however" necessary? It sounds out of place to me. Finally, in "and I how I" there's an extra "I" that probably shouldn't be there.
Other than those very small things, this story was very well done and I very much enjoyed reading this first chapter. I'm glad that you requested a review and I hope that my comments are helpful! Please do request again.
Author's Response: Your reviews are always so in-depth and lovely. :)
Thank you! I'm glad you found it intriguing. :)
And thank you so much for pointing out those awkward parts. My writing does tend to become awkward when I haven't read a novel in ages; it's a bad habit. :/ I'll certainly look over that part again :D
I'm glad you like Rose's character. I was a little unsure of that, as characterisation is not my strong point, so it's especially pleasing to know that it wasn't that bad. :)
Oooh, thanks for pointing those out! I do look over a chapter, but I always seem to miss some errors :P
Thank you for such a nice and helpful review! I'll be sure to request again from you :D
This is really good so far! A bit short, but the beginning usually is.Keep going!
Author's Response: Thank you! :D I'll try to keep writing! :P
Well, this is a very interesting opening chapter, especially the opening paragraphs! You've definitly peaked my curiosity about what is happening there!
I really liked the scene et the Burrow, it showed a great deal of Rose's personality and rationality, even at a young age. I'm really curious as to what happened to get her in that cell !
This was a very good opening chapter. Your style of writting flows neatly and this chapter has a nice rythm that fits through both scenes. The same type of emotion can be found in both places and tie the thing together nicely.
Very well done, I enjoyed quite a lot and keep it up!
Author's Response: Thank youu :)
I'm glad you were intrigued and that you liked Rose's personality (I certainly worked hard at it! :P)
Thanks so much for the lovely review; it made me grin like crazy! :D
Wow, your writing amazes me. I really love it!!!
I really like your descriptions, and the way you draw out your narrative. It totally hooks me to your stories! This is certainly an intriguing piece, and I am quite interested to know what direction the story is headed in. I think you characterize Rose quite well.
All in all, I really was engrossed reading this chapter and it is certainly a great start to the story because I want to read more. So I'm gonna favorite this, and look out for updates :D
Great job!! 10/10
Author's Response: EEP! Thanks so much! :D I'm glad you found it intriguing, and I hope this story would live upto your expectations as it progresses!
Thanks so much for the review, Aditi and the favourite; you never fail to make my day! :D
Ah! A weary, criminal(?) Rose? Interesting! I like how you can already see a bit of her resolution to whatever fate befalls her, and the need to tell her story outright. She's clearly gone through quite a lot.
Cold to her cousins, I see. I wonder why, though I see how she'd end up being the adult she grows into. Oh, inquisitive Rose. Yes, babies come from an angel who uses his wand. Ohohoho. I like how you write the adults -- parents of the narrator is sometimes a tricky character to handle, but I think you handle her perception of the adults quite naturally.
Ah, the ending's so cryptic! I like how you can tell that Rose is a little off, and I expect that it'll be the beginnings of what makes her great and also her crux.
Great beginning! ^__^
Author's Response: Thanks so much! :)
Oooh..I'm glad you noticed her coolness towards her cousins, even at such a young age- that was one of the things that I wanted people to notice, and only you did.
Thank you again for the lovely review! :D
Ooh I am very excited about this. I'm not sure what's going on yet, but that's good because this is only the prologue and it hints at awesome things yet to come. There's the dying Rose in Azkaban, hauntingly without regret contrasted with the bright and curious young Rose, before anything happened. Excellent start, I have questions buzzing around my brain and your writing only increases my curiosity.
Author's Response: EEE! I'm glad you're excited! In fact, your excitement has made me excited! :P I know the prologue is confusing, but I excel at writing confusing prologues (it's a bad habit :P)
What happened to little Rose? Some would say she was always destined for this; some would cry 'injustice', but the truth is something only she knows, so you'd have to wait, because Rose is a very erm.. ostentatious narrator. :P
Thank you for reading and reviewing! And the favourite!
This sounds like such an interesting idea for a story and I'm very curious to see where it goes from here.
The opening drew us in right away, wondering how Rose ended up in a prison cell, and what she could have possibly done to end up there. Nice job of creating mystery and suspense right away.
The flashback was very interesting as well, it gave us great insights into Rose's personality and helps set the stage. I'm guessing there was definetly some significance to whatever it was that Kingsley wanted to talk to Hermione about.
This sounds like it will be a very interesting story!
Author's Response: Thank you!
It might sound odd- but that's the only thing I feel I'm good at- intriguing openings. Seriously, I can write hundreds of new stories with *gasp* starts, but it's the continuation that I struggle with. :P So, I'll try my best to keep on writing :P
Ah...mysteries, mysteries. All will be revealed in time. 0:) Actually, that Kingsley thing wasn't actually of much significance (I'm horrible at leaving subtle hints, so don't expect any Foreshadowing from me :P)
Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)
First of all, Quantum Decadence! Best title ever.
Secondly, I liked this chapter. It seems like a good, strong opening. I like the vague references to a 'dimly lit cell' - very intriguing, indeed. I, for one, am dying to know what happened to sweet little Rose and how did she end up imprisoned. Well, at least, I assume that she's imprisoned; I have a feeling, that this heroine of yours knows a thing or two about unreliable narration -)
The only problem I had with the story is characterization. Hermione seems a bit out of character, what with all that talk about angels and babies; also, at some point you take pains to describe the colour of Al's eyes and hair with no particular reason in mind - or so it seems to me.
The suspense is great, though, and the story has loads of potential. Best of luck with the upcoming chapters and Happy Holidays!
Author's Response: Quantum Decadence- you couldn't guess how long it took me to come up with that. :P
Thank you! :) I'm glad you found it mostly good. Exactly. Where is Rose and why is she there? Hm...well, I'm not going to tell you, am I? :P I wouldn't actually call Rose 'sweet'. Even when she was young she was a little erm...disdainful of others, especially her cousins. (I tried to show that subtly; dunno if it worked)
Ah...characterisation. I'll admit, it is not my strong point. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm rubbish at canon characterisations. :P However, in this, case I'm willing to defend myself. I think the main reason you found Hermione OOC was because I didn't give her much of her personality- it was flat. For instance, if I had written Ginny instead of Hermione with the same dialogues, it wouldn't have been a glaring OOCness either. The character was rather two-dimensional. Right? Well, I didn't want to delve more into her character as this story is not about her, but I'd love to improve. I wish you'd have told me how /exactly/ she was OOC, because I for one, have never had a birds and bees 'talk' with my parents- and I didn't really have a memory or experience to base this chapter on.
Thank you for your honest opinions; it really does help an author! Thank you for reading and reviewing! :D