Wow! What a unique writing style!! Its so lovely! I have never seen or read this side of Rita and its very realistic! It was a lovely piece and your use of repition was awesome! Great story! I'm excited for the next chapters!!
Author's Response: Thank you! (: I'm so happy to hear that you liked it.
Thanks, the review means so much to me. (:
Wow! I have to say I identify a lot with this story, because it's very like the style I use, and I think you've really done it justice! You mentioned concern about Rita's character, and I think at this point it's not really an issue--she's pretty young in this fic, whereas we only know her in adulthood, so as long as you indicate or at least imply the evolution of her character, which I think you've done well here. The simple bitterness and anger you describe could very easily be the source of the caustic personality she has in the books. I really like the way you did this, and I honestly can't find a single thing to critique, so bravo! I can't wait to see the next installments! =)
Author's Response: Thank you! Compliments like that mean the world to an author like me. (:
All right, I was really worried about that. I"m glad you thought it wasn't an issue. (:
The next chapter(s) should be up in a week or two, I've got them done, it's just a matter of posting them.
Thanks so much for reviewing!
Those dreams certainly seem like Rita Skeeter: to be someone important and interesting and to make a difference. However, I'm not sure if I quite see the poetic style of many of the thoughts here fitting her. To me she seems to have a more crisp style, though I might not quite remember her writings that well, but more her person from the books. But you still show here how he gets a kind of hate for many people, which might drive her to write the mean spirited articles she does. I also like how you write about her passion for writing. That's something most of us on this site share. :)
Author's Response: Hmm. I can see what you mean, but I was thinking that she's going to change over time, like you said, as she's growing to hate her family and such.
Thanks for reviewing. (:
Hi, Missy. I'm here to fill your review request. Just remember that I'm offering mostly critique here so please don't feel like I am picking on you or your writing. I'm just hoping to offer some helpful feedback.
First, just to get it out of the way, I think you are right to rate this 15+. It's got a darker tone to it and you said in your request it may get even darker. That said, ToS-wise, stories rated 15+ should have warnings. In this case, I'd consider adding a sensitive topic/issue/theme if nothing else.
Okay, on to content...
I like a lot of what you've got started here. In addition to the great first line (I'm not sure if you were assigned one or this was your own creation but it's wonderful), I like the use of Rita at such a young age as your lead character. It makes for a refreshing change. I also like that you picked up on the "nature" metaphor of the first line and carried it throughout - elaborating on what natural phenomena her parents resembled, ect. I particularly like the dynamic you created within the family. Rita being overshadowed by her mother and ignored by her father seems a plausible childhood scenario for a woman who grows up to be un- "outshine-able" and un-"ignorable."
That all said, I did't think everything in this chapter worked as well. For a rather short prologue, it seems a bit unfocused. It talks about her wanting to write, then about her mother, her father, her leaving home, ect. That's a LOT of information in about 800 words. I would have really liked to have seen a single point of interest for this chapter and let the rest of the information emerge more subtly. You hit on it a bit with the nature examples, which flow organically from the opening line, but that gets lost in the discussion of her wanting to write - which I don't think adds much to the scene. What do you as the author want me as the reader to take from this chapter? Is it a set-up to why she becomes a reporter? Is it to show how far she fell from her innocent self and morals? Is it to give insight to her troubled past as an explanation for her future behavior? It feels a bit like you are trying to hit on all of these and more and I think that's a lot to ask of 800 words.
On a more technical side, I think this is pretty solid. It's got sentence variation and short, easy to read paragraphs. I'd just be mindful of a few things. You started a lot of paragraphs with "she." Perhaps a few could be reworded for variety. Also, a lot of the words are past tense - a lot of "ed's" and "hads." Try cutting back on "had" and "was" when possible or using more -ings. It can help the reader feel more engaged, even in a past-tense (vs present tense) type story.
Thanks for the request and for sharing your story with me. Best of luck as you continue to work on it.
Author's Response: Okay, thank you so, so much for this. It's an extremely helpful review, and I'll take your advice for sure. (:
I'll add a warning, thanks for mentioning that! I wasn't sure if it was breaking the ToS or not, I'll fix that.
The first line was mine. (: I'm glad you liked it!
I see what you mean. I'll try to lengthen it out, and make it less jumpy. Perhaps I'll make it more than one chapter, even.
The technical stuff, I'll work on. (: I do have a problem with "she" sentences, I should fix that.
Thanks again for the lovely advice. I'll use it, and it means a lot.
Hey there! This is SpellSpinner (moony240) from the forums, responding to your request. :)
So, I would like to start out with how much I adore this as a first chapter. It is exactly as you explained it in the beginning - a character exploration, not an action-packed story. It is one that I would easily continue with, were there more chapters.
What struck me about your writing here was that the voice was mature without being dry or boring, which is very difficult to grasp for a lot of authors here. It reads in a very fluid, soft way, like a kind of sad reminiscence. In keeping with this (and actually giving some critique) I found that words like "hokey" and "spiel" stuck out like sore thumbs, if you will. As a reader, I found myself entranced, completely wrapped in your writing, and the less elegant words like those had a tendency to knock me out of it.
The good news is that only happened a few times, and it was the only thing that I had any issues with. This chapter stands on its own, however, and I think you can consider it a great piece of work with or without taking my advice. However, if you do take it, all I suggest is reading through it again and trying to cement that general sense of elegance it had.
This was lovely. I genuinely enjoyed it.
Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for the lovely review. (:
I really wanted to explore Rita's character in this. I didn't want it to be action-packed, and I didn't want it to come across as her as the bad guy. As you may have guessed, this is painting her, and her decisions, as good ones, and I'm glad you think that I did that.
Thank you, so much. I try really hard with maturity in my writing, and I'm glad it came across. (: I will try to fix the less "elegant" words, as you said, and thanks for mentioning it. (:
I'm so happy you liked it. (: Thank you so much.
(P.S. Are the two words at the end from when you were reading, or... what? Sorry.)
i liked it. nice job
Author's Response: Thank you so much. (: