2010-08-08 02:18:18
It was alright. Thought there might be
more to the story.
2010-07-10 18:23:15
I tried reading your story but it's much to easy to read. Your plot sounds good but what made me stop reading was your spelling. It's gryffindor not gryphindor and Lily not Lilly. You have to stretch things out when you write them. Instead of "We got to the common room and went ourĀ  ways. I settled into bed and fell into a peaceful, dreamless sleep" you could write "We arrived at the common room after James said fiddlewuddle to a painting of a fat lady. The room was filled with lush red and gold furniture that matched the curtains hanging over huge bay windows. It was getting dark outside and the forest Professor Dumbledore told me about, the Forbidden Forest, was barely visible. I never want to go in there that's for sure. Some students were sitting around a roaring fire, which James, Sirius, and Peter joined. Remus mumbled something about homework and went up to a set of stairs. I asked a blonde sitting in a gold chair by one of te windows where the girls dormitories were. She pointed to a staircase identical to the one Remus had gone up. They looked exactly the same except the girls had gold stairs and the boys had red. I quickly followed them up until I found the room labled for seventh years. I found my trunk sitting next to an a bed I could tell hadn't been slept in for a while. I peeled off my robes and went into my pajamas. My bed looked identical to the other girls as I pulled down the covers. It was gold with two red strips and gold hangings that made it a four poster bed. I closed my eyes before drifting off into a falling into a peaceful dreamless sleep." see tar is a much bigger differenece and it drags the reader in. Also in writing you have to get into all the characters minds and find how they would react to all the plots in your story. Well this is getting to be much to long of a review. -reviewer

Author's Response: thanks for the long winded review, but this is my first fanfic, and i usually get into detail later, plus i will obviously have lots of editing. I suck at spelling and make lots of typos. i hope you continue reading as i slowoly update and keep up the great advice.


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