2010-07-06 08:52:00
Hello :D

Well done on chapter one of this story. (Believe me I know how nerve wracking it is! Lol.)

I think it does have the potential to go far but I'll suggest somethings that may be of help, tell me to bog off if you don't want to hear (read) it lol.

Ok, so if you are interested in my tips (although I am no expert) here we go. At the start of the chapter you write:

'they had been together for a few months but she had caught Ron snogging his ex Lavender'

Ok so Ron cheated on her, that for a reader is almost unbelievable, but not impossible to believe, we all know so well the character J.K created and for us to believe that Ron could do something so ooc there would have to be a good reason. Have Ron and Hermione not been getting along? Is their relationship not what they expected? Maybe you could try something like:

'they had only been together for a few months but already the cracks in their relationship had begun to show. She had realised quite quickly that Ron was still so immature, but when she had caught him snogging his ex Lavende her heart and mind had shattered into a million pieces, how could he do this to her? He was Ron, and Ron didn't break her heart, not like this anyway.'

If you chose to write something like that it would show that Hermione is just as disbelieved as us the readers. What you have atm is more than fine, but I would expect Hermione to be more shocked than angry. Just an opinion =D

And why does Draco suddenly care? Has he got a hidden agenda? Has he seen things so awful that his feelings of hate for mudbloods have subsided?

'And not a mudblood” she added. He looked at her and felt guilty, she continued.'

That is great but it doesn't show us why Draco felt guilt? What has suddenly made him grow up into a man. Did book six happen in your story?

I found Harry's disbelief of Hermione's account the hardest part to believe, afterall he has known her seven years and knows that she is no liar. Would he really believe Ron over her? Or would he be torn between them?

The ending was good, you have left us in suspense, which is always a good thing lol.

Overall a good first chapter, take care, Charly :D x

P.s If my suggestions have in anyway annoyed you, forgive me? Lol. I really did enjoy.

Author's Response: Lol...thanx for the tip and understand what you mean...as the story goes on, you will find out why Draco is being so nice but i cant tell you coz it might spoil it. Ron has changed since the war and so has harry but not for the better but for worse. Its a little complicated but im trying to continue it the best i can but thanx so much with the help. I really appreciate it :)


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