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Excellent, sexy idea and I liked how you wrote the story. Please update soon and will Harry and Ginny get back together as he has divorced Evelyn? Thanks for writing.

Author Response

Thanks for the review, finally someone reviewed this chapter.  I think that\\\'s two reviews now.

Ooh, will Harry and Ginny get back together?  I\\\'m not quite sure yet, haven\\\'t made up my mind of where I\\\'m going to end this story.  I think it will be soon though.

wow! this is getting interesting. i'm sad to know that Cho died but i wonder if Harry and Ginny will find their way back. what's Ginny going to do now? will u update soon please?^_^

10/10

Harry and Ginny

Author Response

Thanks Harry and Ginny.  I never really liked Cho, she was always crying - which is understandable because she lost Cedric, but who seriously cries when they are getting kissed?. 

I'm going to try and write some more today, but I have some homework I need to do over the holidays.

Thanks for the review

Hmmm interesting. You put quite a few twists in here. Can't wait for the next chapter

Author Response

Glad you liked it.   Thanks for the review

Hi, WeasleyTwins here to review as requested.  Sorry for the extensive delay :]

Okay, you mentioned grammar in your Areas of Concern.  I saw some tense mistakes and typos and I think that the best way to deal with these it to get a beta.  You might have one already, but if you don't, you can request one on the forums.

You've got an interesting concept going on here with all of these pairings.  I have to admit that there was a lot of sex in this chapter, which is understandable because you're setting up the story.  It will be interesting to see how you handle all of the sexual tension and future sex scenes.  Just a suggestion, but I think you should be careful not to put sex in every chapter; if you space out the sex scenes, it will add more depth to the story and this won't end up like a trashy romance novel :]

The first scene with Harry and Ginny was very intimate and romantic.  Although one particular sentence really took away from the romance and made it sound kind of trashy:  "Harry placed her on the bed, before climbing on top of her, kissing his way along her midriff." - Where you say that Harry climbs on top of Ginny, it makes it sound trashy in my opinion.  It seemed that you were going for romantic and that part of the sentence isn't romantic, in my opinion.  I read a lot of romance novels and authors who want it to sound "pretty" hardly ever use such a phrase.  So basically, if I were you I would rephrase that sentence :]

I think that the scene with Hermione was a little bit rushed, but not a big deal.  Overall, you have a nice, descriptive style and this is a great start :]

Shelby

Author Response

Thanks for the review Shelby.

I'll check back on that sentence later and change it to something a bit more romantic.  At the start of the story (in the first few chapters) there are some sex scenes, but they do settle down in the end, where I'm trying to add some more plot and less sex.  There will be some, but nothing graphical.

I didn't mean to rush that scene with Hermione and Ginny.  I've tried and tried to not rush it, but it isn't really working.

I'll try looking for a beta, but the last few times I've posted, no-one has picked it up.

OMG! This was so unexpected, Amy! Oh my god, amazing!

I think Harry's reaction was just right though. Amazing. And Lily is downright adorable. Who were the children Harry was pushing? 

I hope little Lily didn't hear! She will cry and cry; and Thomas will freak! Oh, no, a divorce?!?! 

SO MANY QUESTIONS AMY! UPDATE FAST!

ILY!

10/10

Author Response

Thanks so much Drue; I always love your reviews.

I was watching these little kids at the playground and heard what some of them were saying, so I thought I might add some in.

Well, red heads... those kids will be revealed probably in the next chapter.

Oooh, who says Thomas needs to know?  

I'll answer some of the question in the next chapter, I know that much.

ILYT

wow! I wasn't expecting Harry had a daughter! Now it would be fun if they got back together in the end. what's going to happen now? will u update soon please?^_^^

10/10

Harry and Ginny

Author Response

I haven't started the next chapter, but I might start it when I get back tonight.  Thanks for reviewing

Oh wow Ginny's dream was beautifully written.
I dont read a lot of femslash so i'm not all that sure what to expect.

So far though i'm realy liking it.
x

Author Response

Thank you for reviewing... I'm glad you decided to give my story ago, even if you don't read much femmeslash.

I've read this story and i'll tell u that I'm enjoying it. what's going to happen now? will u update soon please?^_^

10/10 all chapters

Harry and Ginny

Author Response

Thanks for the review Harry and Ginny.  I haven't been home the last three days, so the next chapter is taking longer than I thought.  It might be up in the next couple of days, but again I'm not home tomorrow.

Alrighty, last review from me, until more chapters come up at which point I want you to request again okies? =] 
Unbelievable, just when I thought it couldn’t get any more complicated! Now I’m just waiting for Evelyn/Cho or something like that. I think Harry/Evelyn is completely believable by the way, probably the most real feeling relationship of all of them.
One thing I’m questioning is how Harry could be so open with herin public. He is Harry Potter after all. People would notice them surely? Or is it that Harry almost wants to be noticed? 
And is this how things are going to be? Harry and Ginny marry and keep having affairs, or are they going to split? Actually don’t answer, I want to keep reading =] 
I liked the way both couples ended up at the same club, really cool touch. 
Just as a matter of curiosity, is Ron going to feature at all, or is he mainly there so Cho isn’t single? 
My main concern is still your dialogue. Something I’ve found useful is reading it out loud, as though you or your friends were saying it. It’s surprising just how different our written and spoken language is. That’s the main problem with your dialogue. You write it almost like written language as opposed to spoken language. 
That’s the only real problem I have though. The relationships are at times a bit rushed, but that’s it really. Great story, thanks for requesting XD

Author Response

Sometimes Harry can be an idiot, but everyone was so drunk they probably wouldn't have noticed.  I might change it to an ordinary Muggle club, so no-one would know him.

YES! I'm glad Harry and Evelyn seem real together.  I worked really hard to make them fit together.

I'm sorry about Ron, I'll add him in later chapters.  I was going to do his wedding, but I changed my mind.

I'll use your tip next time and try and work on my dialogue, so it seems more natural.

Thanks for the review

Here I am, reviewing again =]
Well, it’s a pretty decent mess they’ve got themselves in isn’t it? Hermione wants Ginny, Cho wants someone, Harry wants Ginny back, Ron is just absent. It’s…quite something. I think you’re handling it really well actually. 
The scene with Hermione and Cho was very, very well done. That Hermione could turn her back on Cho showed strength of character we haven’t seen from her so far. I felt for Cho actually. She just sounds lonely and in need of someone. Possibly more Hermione/Cho in the future? 
I still have a couple of issues that are the same as in previous chapters. Dialogue is still your weak point; the best example is Hermione’s monologue at her mother’s grave. It just didn’t sound real. If you read it out loud you’ll see what I’m getting at. 
The other point I wanted to make is how quickly you make things happen. In this chapter it’s with Harry/Ginny. It’s all happy happy on Harry’s part then suddenly you throw in ‘…wondering when he lost Ginny.’ 
It made me start a little. 
A very, very good chapter though. Am definitely starting to get caught up with these characters. Onto the fifth chapter now, Can’t wait!

Author Response

Thanks again! I don't like Ron much, and didn't actually see I was leaving him out.  I'll try and add him in later chapters.

I'll continue to work on the dialogue in later chapters as well.  Thanks for the tip

Oooh, that Harry thought wasn't the best was it? I might add some moodier thoughts if I re-write the chapter.

Hey there, here to review again.
 Interesting little chapter this one, far shorter than the others, at least it felt like it. I liked how you switched the POV from Ginny to Hermione, that was very nicely done. 
You write introspection much better than you do dialogue. The way you outlined Hermione’s background and relationship issues explained a lot. I’m still curious about Ron/Cho, where you came up with the idea, and whether it will have ramifications further down the track. 
Also, I don’t know what Hermione wants now which is always good. Does she want Ron, or Ginny, or maybe even Harry? Could be an awkward bit of sibling rivalry there. 
One thing I’m not sure about is why you’ve made Hermione so good looking. If it’s just because it makes things easier with the story then no problem =]
One last thing, you’ve made me believe this could be possible. Even if it was behind everyone’s backs, I can see it happening. So very well written you =]

Author Response

Thanks for the review again.

I have no idea how I came up with that pairing; I think I was just bored and thought it would be an interesting pair.

I'm glad you think it could be possible; its what I was sort of aiming for.

Hey there, here to review again =] 
The one thing I question here is just how quickly Ginny decided she wanted Hermione. Yes, she was feeling a bit weird after the kiss, but then suddenly she was all ‘I want you.’ It just felt a little rushed to me. The whole teasing scene was done brilliantly though. 
I thought your Ron was interesting. Very different. The whole Harry and Ron scene came across awkwardly to me. Almost as if they were once friends, now trying to rebuild that friendship. I don’t know if that’s how you intended it, but that’s how it came across to me. 
Again, your dialogue is letting you down. Lines like: “Hermione, my love” and  “No. I’m so happy Ron. Ginny has agreed to marry me” just don’t sound real. I think it’s really worth focusing on, because the rest of it is great. These clunky moments of dialogue can just ruin the mood you’ve built up in a scene. 
Another really good chapter though, well done.

Author Response

Thanks again for the amazing review.

I didn't mean for Harry and Ron to seem so awkward around each other, I'll try and change that.  As well as the dialogue.

Oh, dang! I really didn't want to rush things, but it all came pooring out.  Ginny was drunk too.

Hey there, here to review as requested, sorry for the long wait I’ve just been crazy busy. I should probably just let you know straight off that I really don’t read much femmeslash so I’m not exactly going to be the voice of expertise here =] 
And so, to review. It’s quite the tangled web you’ve weaved isn’t it? Harry/Cho, Hermione/Cho, Ron/Cho, Harry/Hermione, Ron/Hermione, Harry/Ginny, Hermione/Ginny. That’s quite a lot going on inside such a small group. I think you’re going to have to be very careful handling all the sensitivities that would exist. Although points for Ron/Cho, never heard of that before. 
Moving on from that, dialogue is definitely the weakest part of your writing. It doesn’t sound quite real almost, it’s too manufactured, too perfect. This sentence for example: “He is defiantly no average child; he has Remus’ and Tonk’s personalities.” To me, it just doesn’t sound like anyone would actually speak. Also the introduction of nicknames like ‘Mione that never appear in canon came across a bit oddly to me.
The best bits of this were the introspection, and Ginny’s dream. The dream in particular was very well written, although you did overuse ‘lover’ ‘bed-mate’ and ‘play-mate’. Obviously this is to hide the gender, and I don’t really have a way around it, but it did feel slightly repetitive. 
Good start, really good actually, looking forward to reading on.

Author Response

It's alright, I know how hard it is to juggle things around.

I'll try making the dialogue more natural, and try saying it outloud to myself.  I tried to use different words in the dream, but is really hard finding words.  I didn't want to use the word 'it' cause it makes them seem un-important.

Thanks for the review

Oh my god. Poor, poor Hermione. I'm telling you now, I do not believe what Ginny said about having no real feelings for Hermione. I think she was just upset over the whole thing with Harry. God I hope I am right

Author Response

Haha, you could be right. my story has taken a completly different turn than I first intended for it to do.  So it might not end up the way you want it to.

Next chapter is near 2,000 words already and might be up later today, or if not then, it will be up on maybe Sunday.

Oh my goddd, Amy! What a gut-wrenching chapter!! 

This was amazing and so sad all the same. You've taken such a great plot and twisted it in so many uncountable ways. It's amazing.

Poor Ginny. Poor Hermione. Poor Harry. Oh my god, everyone has their own horrible, sad love triangle. I can't even imagine how you will make everything turn out in the end.

Update soon, Amy!

10/10

Author Response

Whoa, that was such a quick review Drue! I only just posted it.

Yes, I got the reaction I wanted.  This was one of the best chapters to write, because it ends a couple of things.  I actually wrote this in a couple of hours, which is pretty good of me since it normally takes ages to write.

At night, before I go to sleep, all these ideas pop up and I have to immediantly write them down.  This was one I thought of a couple of nights ago.

Next chapter has only 211 words, so I'm trying to write a bit every day.  The next chapter throws another twist into the plot which I hope doesn't confuse people.

Thanks for the review Drue

Oh my god! AMY! How could you?! Oh my god, this was horrible. Yet so amazing.

FAVORITES!! *adds*

But wow. What a horrible twist. And Harry's reaction...Just supper stunner!

Amazing, Amy! I can't wait for more! 

P.S: I knewww it was Ginny and Hermione! Why didn't Harry notice?!

10/10

Author Response

Hehehe... I loved my small twist at the end.  It just added some spice.  This was my favourite chapter to write, so it made it so much better in my eyes.  I so didn't want to stop writing.

YAY, you added it to your favourites.

Harry was a bit blind I guess... I think he didn't want to see it.  I also think he didn't get a good enough look at their faces.

I have about 1,900words written on the next chapter, so another 1000 or so and I should be posting it.  The next one will reveal some secrets...

Thanks for the review Drue!

Fantastic chapter!

At first, I really hated Evelyn. I was like: You skank. But, ha, as she was introduced further, I actually began to like her. She doesn't seem like one too much, and there really seems to be love between her and Harry.

I couldn't help but notice how similar the girls at the night club were described to Hermione and Ginny. How ironic! ;)

9/10

Author Response

I actually love Evelyn... I worked really hard to make her hateable but loved at the same time.  I'm happy its working.  I wanted her and Harry to love each other, in their own sort of world.

It was pretty ironic wasn't it.

Thanks for reviewing Drue

Wow! This is so compelling! You have me constantly wondering: will she tell him, will she tell him?!

Brilliant job, Amy!

9/10

Author Response

Thanks again Drue.  Well, the chapter I'm writing at the moment (chapter 7) will reveal some of the secrets.

Thanks for reviewing

Aw. Wow, Amy, dear. This was such a sad and revealing chapter. It really expanded more into Hermione's background with Cho and answered some of my questions.

This was wonderful and now I can really feel where Hermione is coming from and what she's going through.

You have such a unique plot here, hun. I actually like how you have pulled Cho into the story.

Can't wait for more!

9/10 -- For making it so sad. ;)

Author Response

Thanks Drue.  I don't like Cho, but I haven't had her in many of my stories - if any at all.  So I decided to add her in this.

When I first started I wanted to explore some of Hermione's past a bit, and I'm hoping that if the plot bunny I have in my head at the moment stays there by the time I get to chapter 10-ish, then more will be explained.

Wow! Great chapter, my dear! 

You wrote Ginny and Hermione's scene beautifully. You really captured the essence beautifully!

Great job!

9/10

Author Response

Thanks Drue.  I'm glad you like their scene together.  It was a bit hard to write in my opinion, but I'm glad you liked it.

huh??? this is really odd, ron and cho, hermione and ginny ect.

Author Response

Well it is an femmeslash fic.  I decided to do it a little differently.  There are some bigger and better twists later; at least I hope.

Thanks for the review

Oh Amy this was great.

I never realized you wrote so beautifully. Your description was truly lovely, as were your emotions, and characterizations. I could almost feel Harry kissing me. :p But anyways, you write magnificently. It's wonderful. They say there is always room for improvement, but there is not much room needed in yours.

Your portray Harry and Ginny wonderfully. I see a very amazing story beginning here.

10/10

Author Response

Thanks Drue.  I'm trying to update, as well as re-write a couple of chapters.  But assignments and homework keeps getting in the way.  I'm getting my own computer tonight, so I should be able to update more often due to not having to share the computer.

I'll try and keep up the discription

Hey! 
So I'm back =] 

I didn't spot as many mistakes in this chapter as I did in the first two chapters. So well done!!  

In some sentences there could be more adjectives, 'She wrapped her arms around her best friend, resting her head on her shoulder,'- you could say 'She came up behind her,and smoothly wrapped her arms around the skinny waist of her best friend, she gently rested her head down on to her shoulder' – just little words like that would drag the reader in more to the story, and they could get a clearer picture of whats happening. 

I can't see Hermione just giving in to Cho like that, again- the speed of confusion to terror to actually kissing Cho goes by too quickly in this chapter. 

When Hermione is in the shower, you keep saying that light played with darkness across the room, but if it's the middle of the day, why would there be darkness in the room? You should say 'shadows' instead of 'darkness' 

Okay, now the last line confused me. What is the 'darkness'? Is it night time? If it is the darkness wouldn't just block out the sun, the sun would have to gradually set and then night time would follow. 

But that's all I have to say for this chapter =] Really nice job! I'll get to the next one as soon as possible.

Author Response

Thank you so much for this review.

I'm glad there wasn't many obvious mistakes; I actually tried really hard to do many misakes.

When I have a bit more time - after my christmas shopping in half an hour - I will go through it and add some more adjectives.  I will also try and make Hermione resist a little.

Shadows probably would be a better word.

The last line was sort of to say Hermione blacked-out, fell asleep sort of.  It was just showing how sad she was.

Hey, sorry it took a while to get back to you. 

There were a few grammar mistakes, one which stuck out, probably because it was the beginning of the story was 'Ronald Weasley room' there should be 's at the end of Weasley. 

In the second paragraph 'his blessing' was repeated a few times, and got a bit repetitive. Might want to change a one of them. 

Then in the next paragraph it starts with 'There was a rush of water'- do you mean 'sound'? Then the two sentences after this both begin with 'Harry'- you should also change one of these to another word. 

When Ron turns around and Harry explains that he seen him in the 'Change rooms'?- did you mean 'changing rooms'? 

Why did Ron say whatever to Harry? It seemed a bit rude of him. 

Haha,, I love the part where Harry spraying his drink when he heard that Cho was a lesbian and that's why she was never interested in him, lol. That made me smile .=] 

Awe that was so cute about Ron getting angry at Ginny because he thought she was pregnant- that was so sweet!! 

In the sentence where Harry finally tells Ron that his sister has agreed to marry him, you should have him pause for a second in thought or stutter and then say it. 

*Gasp* I just can't see Ron hitting Harry, he was happy with him for starting to go out with him, so I would think he would have the same reaction as then. 

'Small cut dress'- did you mean, a small low-cut dress? and 'white table cloth covered the table'- again this should be changed as the sentence before has 'table'. Probably 'surface' would be better. 

When Hermione gets the glass, you didn't say what it is, just that it's 'white'. 

How can Ginny be having fun teasing Hermione if she 'accidentally' rubbed her legs against Hermione's? 

I would of liked to read a bit more detail on when they are at the club and when they both go home, like what happens or what they both are thinking as they make their way home. 

I really like this story! And the interaction between the different characters and their relationship, still not sure about Ron/Cho though. 

I'm going to stop reviewing now, incase you don't want more of my reviews. I know they may come across as harsh- if you do want more just re-request back on the forums. =] I really really like this story!!

Author Response

Thank you again.  I love your reviews because they are honest and harsh.

Thanks to your help I have re-written this chapter, so once it has been beta'd, I will post it again.  There is more detail, at least I think there is.

I see Ron as a very complicated character.  I see him hitting Harry, because he is way over pertective of Ginny; she is his younger and only sister.

Hey! 

At the beginning you say that Harry 'smiled down at the woman standing in front of him;' but then you said that 'she was just slightly taller than her'- but if she was only slightly taller than him, he wouldn't have to look down at her.

When you say that 'he brushed his hand threw her hair,'the 'threw' in this sentence should be spelt as 'through'. 

The sentence that follows this you say 'that' at the end, but I think it would be better as 'it'-but that's only my opinion, you don't have to listen to it. :) 

When you describe what Ginny wanted and that she 'longed to see the longing in his eyes' - you might want to use a different word, so that you don't repeat the same word twice, probably 'want' or 'desired'. 

When you say 'mind played images in her mind' - you may want to change the second 'mind' to 'head', so that you aren't repeating it. 

When Harry asks, "Then what?" - you kind of lost me, probably add a 'wrong' at the end of it. 

I like the part where you leave the reader hanging on who Ginny is thinking about, that was really well done!

Parts of the storyneed a bit more detail, there are just parts where it jumps slightly. Such as the part where she tells Harry to go back to sleep. You could add that she waited in the dark for five minutes until Harry fell back asleep. 

One thing that I noticed, why would Ginny make breakfast the Muggle way when she is a witch? 

When Harry says 'Sorry future Mrs Potter...' - because someone is saying it, the 'Mrs' should be written out as 'Miss'. 

WHAT!! Ron and Cho??? where did this come from? I have never ever heard about this couple let alone seen them in a story! 

When Ginny talks about Teddy- it sound like you only had her say it to inform the reader, and it doesn't sound like she is really talking it, more for just the reader. Just have it less pointed- if that makes sense. Write it like - 'Poor Ady, looking after that clumsy six-year-old'

haha, Harry covering himself up- hehe. 

There is a part near the end where you jump from Hermione to Ginny, but you don't say that you moved pov's- just change a 'her' to 'Ginny' and it be fine.  
 
I think the part where Hermione and Ginny kiss goes by WAY too quick!! I would have them blush and not being able to say anything to one another, then probably have a drink to celebrate and then 'drunkenly' kiss one another-this would end the night and Ginny would go running home while still thinking of what has happened. Again, I am just throwing out my ideas. 

Hope this review is helpful!! I like this story, going to keep reading when I get the chance =]

Author Response

Thank you so much.
It was very helpful.  I have re-written the chapter and it sounds so much better.  This chapter hasn't actually been beta'd so that is why there are so many mistakes.

I tried for a different shipping.  Ron and Cho isn't heard of often, so I thought I could make it as different as I want.  It is a wacky pairing.

The dream was porbably the funniest thing to write, because it was different from what I've done before.  I wanted the reader to wait to see who the dream was about.

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