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weird. i like it. but ... lily a black? hmm. interesting spin. i like it though. well written! :D

Author Response

haha, so long as you like it ;)

CONFUSING. Lily is Sirius' cousin?!? It took me forever to get that! Siriusly, make it clear at the beginning.

Author Response

ok. i've never heard that complaint and sorry it was so unclear :-/

so i dont know what is up with these whole lily being a black stories that are popping up around here more often but either way good sstory!!

Author Response

really they are? back when i wrote this 2-3 yrs ago there were none, that's pretty cool. care to direct me to some?

gah!!! that was ridiculously good. i am amazed. it was such a different take, but it was so good. i think i was hooked when sirius began "the talk" with her.

i like the switch from first person to third with the flashbacks, because its kind of like looking at the events, and without the intrusion of the narrators opinion, which just seemed to work.

i also really enjoyed the inclusion of all the family issues, it seemed to give them all more character depth and everything. but sirius' line, the "I came here because I heard what happened, but obviously you already have someone here to console you". i dont know how to describe it. its like hurt, emotional turmoil and romance (well sort of on james' part) all rolled in to one. all i can say is, i was screaming 'NO!!' in my head when i read that.

oh, a strange thing to like, but i really did love a slightly tipsy remus. for some wierd reason i really just loved that bit.

and i will leave you a longer review for the next part of this, because i'm impatient, and can't to wait much longer to see what happens.

Author Response

ridiculously good? truly?! wow... oh lord, im turning so red right now, THaNK YOU!

i thought that the switch would be crucial to aptly show ll aspects of the relationships as solely first person wouldnt lend itself too well to the theme of the story and lily is rather guarded so an entirely unclouded look into her thoughts could help in understanding her situation and etc. i'm happy you appear to agree!

idk what else to say here other thank THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

so cute and precious!

Author Response

thank you, that's so kind of you!

AWW! I LOVE THIS STORY! I read it like forever ago but I still loveit even the second time! congrats! *Claps and lots of cookies*

Author Response

aw thank you, that's so very kind of you to say

I think I summed it all up in the last review.

Stunning. Amazing. Wonderful. Astounding. Fantastic. Beautiful. Wow. Spectacular. Remarkable. Incredible. Marvellous. Magnificent. Breathtaking. Astonishing. Brilliant. Superb.

It really is just that. Wow.

10/10 x infinity!

~Luna xx

Author Response

:blush:

enough said.

(thank you)

Okay, firstly I would like to sincerely apologise for taking so long to review this. You requested a review back in February and here it is, May, and I am just getting round to reviewing. I am deeply, deeply sorry!

Now to the chapter!!

Your opening paragraphs are spectacular. You grab the reader's attention immediately and you jump straight in with fantastic description and characterisation, great job! The only thing I might say about it is that I think it would be better if you replaced "mates" with "friends", simply because I think it would make it flow better and it would suit the text better. Fantastic job!

You keep the character a slight mystery; you give the reader enough information to guess who is speaking, but not enough to be certain. I love air of mystery that you create there! Astounding!

I have to admit that I was slightly disappointed when it turned out to be Lily; after all, in canon Lily and Sirius are not cousins.

Also, in Britain, Fall is called Autumn ;)

When Sirius asked her to promise that she would never date Remus and James, I gasped so loudly that my mum asked if I was okay! That is a very, very clever thing to do, I congratulate you!

You really have a remarkable talent where Lily comes in, you write her perfectly! It really is quite refreshing to read such a wonderful portrayal of such an important character that we know so little about! Well done!!!

The section where James takes Lily onto the roof of the Astronomy Tower is amazing. It is one of the best things that I have ever, ever read on this site. It was truly wonderful. I don't know why I liked it so much, I just did! Great job, well done!

The part about Regulus's birthday was so heartfelt, so touching. It was very well written. I salute you!

Lily and James are just so perfect in this story! You really get inside their heads when you write, and from a reader's point of view it is simply magical. Well done!!!

I just cannot get over the wonderful way you portray Lily. It is just simply astounding, it truly is! I really wish someone could make up some new words to describe how fantastic this is! It's just... wow!

I have been pulled right in to this story, I almost cried when Sirius found James and Lily kissing - you really are wonderful! 

The exchange between Sirius and Lily was so moving that you actually did make me cry. Well done! This is certainly the most moving fanfic I have ever, ever read. Congratulations!

Overall, this chapter is absolutely amazing. I really cannot think of high enough praise to give this. It is simply... wow. 

In fact, I think I will go far enough to say that this is the best fanfic I have ever, ever read. This is my all-time favourite.

Well done, a million times over!

10/10 x infinity!

~Luna xx

Author Response

Okay, first of all, I think that the sheer length of your review more than makes up for the fact. 

Now, as you put it, to the chapter!

Wow, really? You think that they hooked the reader? I wasnâ€™t too sure if I was able to pull it off or not, actually considered scrapping them before b/c I felt like I might just muck up a literary technique that Iâ€™d always been so fond of.

Eh, I know that in canon they arenâ€™t related, but when I write it usually starts from a fic idea that just comes to me, a random scene that hits me out of nowhere (usually when Iâ€™m in the pool training, oddly enough) and while I forgot exactly which one it was for this story, I remember that the only way I could really manipulate the two scene ideas I got and make them work in a fic was by making them family.

omg, she really asked you if you were okayâ€¦ wow, I never actually considered just how much of a shock that might be for the reader. Interestingâ€¦ well, hopefully it helped you understand my reasoning for S/L family a bit more

You really have a remarkable talent where Lily comes in, you write her perfectly! It really is quite refreshing to read such a wonderful portrayal of such an important character that we know so little about! Well done!!!

That is so kind of you, I was really worried about thatâ€”wondering if I may have changed the voice as I wrote, lost the character or something, you know? Thanks so much for the reassurance! :blush:

The section where James takes Lily onto the roof of the Astronomy Tower is amazing. It is one of the best things that I have ever, ever read on this site. It was truly wonderful. I don't know why I liked it so much, I just did! Great job, well done!

LOL, so glad to hear that you enjoyed the L/J moment there as I was never all too talented at fluff, at least not to the extent that I see other authors being able to produce those things, Iâ€™ve always had trouble with the romance aspect 

Oh, that was actually the one scene in the fic that I liked, it was the only one where I wasnâ€™t doubting myself so glad to hear that it was with good reason.

Well given that this IS a L/J fic Iâ€™m glad to see that I didnâ€™t forget to make them work as a couple.


Iâ€™m so happy to hear that you were able to relate to her, in my everlasting bouts of insecurity I was scared  that I may have made her a bit unreachable as she can come off a bit cold at timesâ€¦ almost impregnable with hoe apathetic she can be
 

Wowâ€¦ I pushed someone to the brink of tears?! No way! I mean Iâ€™m an okayâ€”decentâ€”writer, but wowâ€¦ never thought that I could do that :blush: thank you so much!
 

Trust, me your praise was high enough, and then some too! Iâ€™m just still trying to get over the fact that this may be one of our fav ficsâ€¦

THANK YOU!

p.s. thanks for all the flow/brit comments, iâ€™ll make sure to look into that!

i loved this. I loved how you made the character of Lily your own and i have to say i loved this lily the best!! Absolutly fatastic job.

Author Response

aw thank you so much, that's very kind of you to say!

Hi. I know you didn't ask for a review.but I just can't help it!

Don't take offense but I really think that there were too many flashbacks. It was confusing.

There were a couple of spelling errors-do you have a beta? There always helpful.

Lastly..I seriously didn't mean anything I just wanted to point out a couple of things. But one last thing: Lily.

Who is she? You kept saying she was Sirius' cousin but that doesn't make sense. Is she an OC or Lily Evans that you've just made that's Sirius' cousin...

Great story!

Author Response

if you could possibly tell em in what sense you found the number of flashbacks confusing i'd really appreciate as i really do take all criticism to heart and i'd like to hear any advice you maky have on fixing errors in my fic!

as for the beta, got one, but i haver a ton of things in validation now so i have to wait to repost.

lily black=lily evans, i wanted to take another route where she and sirius are related, play with that i dea a bit, but i can understand how that might be unsettlign to some

i am so glad you were able to find it a gerat story regardless of all those aspects, thank you so much for your review, i really appreciate it!

oh i love it. it makes me sigh. oh its so sweet. took me awhile to get used to the siris and lily being cousins. i didnt understand at first. i thought it was about james and sirius, as you know pure bloods are all related, so they could have been cousins. anyways

10/10

Author Response

lol, yeah, i can understand why, but thank you for reading and youyr kind review, i really appreciate it!

i don't know why i continued reading this... i generally go for the well, the o darn... there goes my mind. but i like it. its sweet, and well thought out and stuff. good job.

Author Response

glad to hera it :D

ahahahhaha
very niceee, that was interesting something different in a fic:D

Author Response

very glad to hear it, thank you!

Oh wow thats very interesting
very nice
something very different, i like it

Author Response

i hoped that people would like the fact that it was a bit different from the regular lily/james fic, so glad to hear that!

brilliance i tell you! brilliance! :P only thing that confuzzled me is the whole "Lily is Sirius' cousin" thing, but i suppose you made it work. i just didnt see the point of it, you could have made sirius and lily really close without making them cousins. but whatever, dont change it. anyway, give yourself a big pat on the back, you did good. :)

Author Response

lol, wow, thnak you so much. this is one of my fav fics of mine so hearing you sya that means more thna you could possible imagine!

tahtw as really really really good!!! i loved it!!! ALOT!!! it was amazing!!! great diologue!! it made me laugh really hard!! !LOL! great job!! !

Author Response

thank you so much, you're such a kind reviewer and i really appreciate it!

This was so cute really even if lils was never a black!

it was cute

Author Response

ah, that's why we call it an AU fic ;)

glad you thought it was cute

I loved it, so cute! at first it was very confusing and a little weird, but i really loed it!!! it was so sweet, i'm so glad they got together!

Author Response

so sorry for the confsion, but glad to hear that you enjoyed it!

I'm assuming that this story is done, so you might wanna take off the WIP on it.
Umm, I really liked this! It was AMAZING. I almost cried when Sirius told Lily that she was the biggest disappointment of all. In the end, Sirius letting Lily go was very realistic. So many people do it wrong, but you did it right!
James seemed to be very uncaring of what Sirius thought of the whole him/Lily thing. I got the vibe that he was like, I care about Lily more than Sirius. Maybe I just made that up, but that's what I felt James was thinking.
I liked how Lily knew she was strong physically or whatever, but mentally she was very weak. Most people write it the other way, but I'm really glad somebody finally wrote it like this. Kudos for that!
Other than any other 'low points' in the story, there were just a few grammatical spelling errors. Nothing too major. I really liked this story. 10/10

Author Response

1. first of all thatnk you so much for thet WIP note, lol, i honestly thought that i changed the status to completed lol
2. thank you so much, you have no idea how glad i am to hear that you enjoyed it!- i was so afraid that the fact that lily's a black would repel people as i know that's not a particularily popular genre as far as ff is concerned
3. it wasnt that he didnt care it's more so that sirius never asked him to promise anythign to him as he did lily. he put a lot of reliance on the fact that their friendship could withdstand that kind of a blow and when he saw that james loved lily he'd forgive them for that, you know?- but you're right i could have vocalized that point in a far more effective manner so thanks for pointing that out!
4. glad to hear that you liked that fact as i knwo many adore the super!lily idea and i try to stray from it, so the fact that you acknowledged that means so much to me!
5. sorry about the grammar, didnt have a beta go through it and i have a problem with typos- tried to get them all, but you just never do...

thank you for reviewing!

This is Kat50 from the forums ;)

This is a really great two-shot. It's well-paced. I actually don't think you lack details. I was hesitant when you said that Jason was jealous, but then you gave us a scene to explain why, instead of just telling us. I understand that you just wanted to get through an entire plot.

On another note, being the grammar nazi that I am, I just have to point out that when you are calling someone, "...for you, James, I'd do anything..." you should put commas on either side of the word. That one especially irked me. I also saw a few typos and similiar grammar errors that could be fixed by a good beta. 

Your characters were very believable. It was great that you decided to use first person. I'll admit that I was a bit confused with the switch in the beginning, but I love Lily. She is believable, but I don't really understand how she can be so alone if James said that every bloke in school wants to be introduced to her. Sirius is well-done as well. I could see him as sort of jealous and irrational at times. 

The relationships in general were just all well-done. Kudos on an excellent two-shot!

Kat

Author Response

lol, i never actually considered that there miht be some sort of a connotation there alluding to the fact that he might have feeligns for her. i guess when i pictured them i alwasy imagined them havign a purelyplatonic relationship so the idea never crossed my mind lol

thank you for the grammar notes there!

i figured it might get confusing, but i sort of wanted to try this play on time where someone looks back on certain events to not only give further insight into what's going on, but the back story as well. plus it was  a technique i'd always wanted to try out lol.

as for lily being alone, well it's the idea that you feel isolated. even when you have 30 ppl by your side you can feel lonely... hope that explains the point i was hoping to make

thank you so much for your kind review!

*review for part 1

things i loved:

i really love the use of flashbacks. It really adds affect to lily's narration. the storyline seems to be well planned and the actual air of the story leaves you wanting more! i like it lots.

Suggestions:

perhaps more detail...but other than that i found everything to be done quite well

Author Response

i am so glad to hear that you liked the flashbacks, i was hoping to test out different techniques with this fic and that was one that   i was particularily attracted to so it makes me so happy to hear that you liked it!

thank you so much for the suggestion to, details is somethign that i'm really struggling with and having soeone mention it in a review really helps me keep it in mind and make it my top priority as i write fics!!!


thank you so much for the review!

i loved it. very interesting

Author Response

glad to hear that you thought so ;)

gr8 start 2 wot cud b a gr8 story. please add another chapter soon. 100/100

Author Response

im afraid that that''s the end...

thank you so much!

Wow. I absolutely adore this story. Although it's only part one, I feel connected with each of the characters. I mean, throughout the whole of that chapter/part, there were only two things I noticed that were unclear or wrong (I'll point them out later :D ). The rest was perfect. And you know what, everything about it fits my challenge! So I'm really happy about that!

I loved the way you "changed" Lily, you never showed signs of hostility between her and James, and even though you mentioned that they weren't "close" like she and Remus were, you make it clear that there is something there. I like that. 

The two things I noticed was that sometimes you said "brother" and sometimes you said "cousin" when you were talking about Sirius and Lily. I assumed you meant "brother" as in someone you were really close to. I then became more confused when you said that Regulus was Lily's brother, which means (if Sirius and Lily were only cousins), that Sirius and Regulus were cousins too, rather than brothers...I don't know, but it just confused me. The only other thing was that you missed out a few commas, but obviously I really don't care about that. 

My heart skipped a few beats when I realised what Sirius saw. He saw Lily breaking his promise, his heart and their true friendship. You really are evil...but we love it!

When he said that Lily was the biggest disappointment of all, I burst into tears, and I'm not talking about "weeping" I was full on bawling...well done! :D

The ending. Wow. Powerful much? Well, clap on the back and, believe it or not - you walk stright onto my favourites list!

Author Response

Wow, thank you so much, thatâ€™s so kind of you

As for the brother thing, on most occasions I meant to say cousin (at first they were supposed to be brother and sister and then I changed it to cousins, so thatâ€™s most likely the root of that problem since I didnâ€™t get a chance to fix/catch them all)

But I cat6 believe that you actually started crying as you read the fic, wow I never thought one of my fics could actually bring a person to do that (seriously blushing now lol)

p.s. ah me and my errors when a beta doesnâ€™t go through it, thank you for that, Iâ€™ll definitely be going back and fixing that and reposting the fic lol
p.p.s. your fics on my favs now too, so very glad to hear it lol

Wow. That was really different, but a good different
i hope part 2 is up soon. I loved it.
wow.

Author Response

very g;ad to hear i's a good different and not a bad different lol

thank you so much for reviewing

Reviews (26 found)

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