Hi, RandomRed here from the forums.
I haven't come across a Millicent sotry before, well to be honest, I have never really looked.
I can't really fault on the way you write. The only thing I can think you could work on is description. There is just a few instances, when an extra descriptive word would have made me say wow.
Still and great story and it has introduced me to a new ship, so it is always a plus. :) Let me know when you edit it, I can't review it again but I'd love to read it.
Author's Response: Hey hun, thanks for the review! I will work on touching up the description when I rewrite it. And glad you learned a new ship hehe oh, and enjoyed the story!
Hello, AngelEyez3954 here with your review!
This is a really great story! The clash between Millie and Montague is really well written and I enjoyed their banter after the "match." I have no real complaints about your grammar, but like others have pointed out, a bit more description might be nice. Also, the transition between the present (getting ready to meet Montague) and the Quidditch scene seemed a bit choppy.
Overall though, a really great story!!
Author's Response: yep more description is on my edit list hehe but I will add the transition note! Thanks for the info and for the review! Glad you enjoyed it :D
That really was an adorable one-shot. I'm quite pleased. I like how it was people you never read about, too. And how you call her Millie for a nickname. So cute!
I think it all flowed very nicely. I didn't get distracted and I could picture them pretty clearly. It also helped that there were no grammatical errors that I saw.
You did an excellent job and I really loved the powerful ending paragraph. 9/10!
Author's Response: yeah I like stories about minor character too :) and yay for no grammatical errors! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
This is RandomnessisinmyNature from the forums!
I've never really seen any stories with pairings like Millicent/Montague, so this is really nice and refreshing. The characterizations of Millicent and Montague were nice.
A little more description wouldn't hurt, but overall, it was enjoyable and the story flows very well!
Author's Response: yeah I plan on rewriting it a bit when I get some time so I'll make a note to look at the descriptions. But I am glad to hear this was your first Millie/Monty story lol and happy that you like it :D
OK, I first thought I'd mention the fact that some of the capitals are missing in the dialogue. I also suggest that you put Millicent's thoughts in italics so that the reader can differentiate her thoughts from what she's actually saying.
Other than those slight 'mistakes', I think that the story was quite nice, albiet sort of, awkward I guess. It just doesn't really seem to flow together. I think maybe you should add a little more to the chapter to explain the relationship between the two.
Besides that it was nice!
Author's Response: I see no reason to put her thoughts in italics as it is perfectly clear in the wording that she is thinking and not speaking. As for adding more to "explain" things, why? Anyone who knows Harry Potter and reads the story should be able to see that they are in the same house but they don't like each other....well at least in the beginning hehe
I am glad you liked it but I don't agree with your 'mistakes' sorry!
Woah! I'm so glad I stumbled on this little gem! I love the quirky, odd pairings and this is definitely no exception! And seeing Millicent in the lime light is definitely a breath of fresh air. Your writing was amazing throughout - the flow and structure was great! I'm going to add this to my favorites and promote it... it's SUCH a good piece of writing!! Very nice!
Author's Response: *speechless* to hear that from you Jessi, I am honored lol thanks for the great review and I am glad you liked it so much ^_^
Hello, here to review!
This is a sweet story, and I think it's quite good.
There was nothing at all wrong with the actual story, but I suppose you could have used a little more description, just to fatten up some of those paragraphs. There were a few grammatical errors, and near the end it seemed a little rushed, but otherwise it was pretty good.
Feel free to ask for more reviews later!
Author's Response: We could all use a little more description hehe thanks again for another review Emi :) glad you liked it!
I have never read a Millicent Bulstrode story so you sure had orginality. Right, forgot to say that I am Hermione G from the forum review thread.
Some grammar errors, here should be her, just mostly some typos and things. I would just go back and read it through and you will see what needs to be fixed. Some parts could use some more description, for example at the end you say:
Tracey talk her into wearing such ugly shoes.
Perhaps you could describe the shoes because ugly is an opinion. This could probably be more than a one-shot easily. Overall, cute story and well written.
Keep writing and have fun!
Author's Response: I hate typos lol but no story is perfect so I guess mostly typos is good :D As for description, I'll keep that in mind for a future rewrite hehe
As for it being more then a one shot, I agree it could be and in a way it was meant to cause I had another challenge attached to it but when the challenges got cleared out I dropped it for lack of time so I think it came out ok by itself hehe but maybe in the future I will add more.
Thanks for the review :)
Hey there, hun. :) It's been a while, no?
I really liked the way Millie was uncertain at the beginning. That was one way that I found to immidiately relate to her - Looking sexy does not make you look funny! - That's exactly the kind of thing my friends tell me. ^_^
The first mistake I noticed - but her feet continued there trudge up... 'there' should be 'their'.
The second and final mistake that I caught - on a date to Hogsmeade were the whole school would see them? 'were' should be 'where'
Both were simple word mix-ups, so nothing major. The overall concpet of this story is very cute. I really enjoyed reading this, and your writing was nice and good for reading as well. On the whole, really lovely job. I would love to see more of this. ;) I didn't look to see if this was more than a one-shot, but either way this was nice.
Author's Response: Nah this one is a one shot hehe although I could expand more on it later ;) Glad you liked it so much hehe makes me happy :D
And yes I can relate to Tracey telling Millie all that stuff too lol I got it all from my sister hahah
thanks for the corrections and the review!
haha very cute =)
personally, i don't really like your characterization of Millicent. She seemed kind of oafish, almost like a female version of Crabbe and Goyle, and yet she's a tomboy as well. And i know you want her to seem not really 'slytherinish', but she would have some sense of house loyalty, and no be bashing all her teammates
I think you did well with Montague however, as his character isn't really mentioned.
I didn't find any grammar or spelling errors, congrats =)
Good job overall!
Author's Response: To each his own on interpretation of character hehe but in this case I was following the rules of a challenge and someone else's characterization of Millie. She was portrayed as a girl with secrets and one that, while being a Slytherin in general, didn't fit with the Slytherin mentality so to speak.
And I don't think she was bashing all her teammates, rather she was telling Montague that they needed a better team so they would win hehe and I made her kind of oafish because, well she seems that way to me xD I have a friend kind of like here (even though we don't see Millie that much) and every time Millie comes up I think of her :)
anyways thanks for the review and glad you liked it :)
It was good, I've never read anything about Millicent Bullstrode but I find this piece quite interesting...There's a bit of humour, a bot of romance, a bit of quidditch... well a bit of everything. But that's good, anyway. You've spelled at one point "snitch when it's right in front of here nose",I think you meant 'her', though I believe it was unintentional (i do that all the time). The last bit with Montague stretching his hand was really sweet and quite unexpectable... It was good, overall.
Author's Response: thanks for pointing that out hehe I hate when I do that -.- but yes it was unintentional hehe
As for the ending, I thought it would be a bit to cliche Millie wise to have her end up as the joke again (every seems to write her as a Crabbe/Goyle like butt of all jokes girl) and I would have felt bad lol so I am glad it all turned out good :) thanks for the review!
aww what a cute one-shot!!! im definately recomending this in the forums, it needs more reviews!!!the pairing was so cute, a definate change of pace from what we usually see.
I love Millicent's character, shes so strong and tomboyish and a good match for someone like Montague. The quidditch scene was fabulous such biting bater eh lol it was really good.
I especially loved the end scene where he was waiting for her with his hand out so sweet *sniff* loved the dialoue and the overall flow, Great job! ^_^
Author's Response: wow recommendations? that really sweet of you :D glad you liked it enough to do that!
"Tracey said with a silly girlish laugh and gentle shoved Millie towards the stairs"
I think that should be gently, probably a typo.
I can't imagine why there are no reviews for this. It was so cute and wonderfully written, I like the main idea of it alot. It works really well and I enjoyed how it's not completely about then actual date but rather how it came to be an actual date.
I love it!
Author's Response: I was wondering when someone would review this lol glad to hear you loved it :D
Yeah that is a typo so thanks for pointing it out. Also I am please that everything works really well. Thanks so much for the review :)