Hello! Here with your review.
I rather like your portrayal of Narcissa's strength. She seems just as canon as she should. Her family meant a lot to her and that showed. What I did find odd was when you said 'out of her sisters, she had had the best marriage'. I don't really see how her marriage could be considered above Andromeda's. I won't go into detail, but that threw me a little.
You seem to use a lot of lesser known large words. While I do enjoy a vast vocabulary, they didn't seem to belong with your style. The style you write in is a small one. Short paragraphs, absent of description and a basic narrative. Therefore, the words felt as though they didn't belong, but were forced into place.
I feel like you did well in the final paragraphs, Voldemort seemed very in character with his continued refusal to accept that love exists and is a useful tool. How funny to know that later, it is Narcaissa's love that saves them all. All all, as in the world. Because had she outed Harry, well, we know how that would have gone.
I would suggest a Beta. There were a number of grammatical errors, all centering around your dialogue punctuation.
Good luck with the rewrite and I hope that this was of any help whatsoever. :D --Jenna
Author's Response: Hi Jenna dear, thanks for the review!
I am glad you liked Narcissa's portrayal and when I talked about her marriage I meant from a "pureblood" standpoint. Andromeda was cast out of the family for marrying a muggle remember?
As for style, I write whatever word fits meaning wise. I have never thought one dictates the other and if a certain word is the correct one than that is the one I will use.
Dialogue punctuation - dialogue is one thing where, for me, punctuation doesn't always belong. I loathe dialogue where its all complete sentences and proper grammar and clear flowing etc. We do not talk like that in the least.
You have a rather fabulous talent my dear.
What a one-shot.
The description is flawless, and somehow you manage to encapulate the emotion of stubbornness and loyalty that Narcissa is portraying into the writing of your piece. It's quite an amazing achievement.
This stands leagues above many things I have read on HPF, without a doubt.
You've perfectly captured all of the characters in this piece, your phrasing is beautiful, as is your vocabulary, and your description.
A real pleasure to read!
My favourite part, by the way- is the last paragraph,
No, they would not make the same mistake as Lucius and Narcissa…they simply admired each other.
Pure and utter genius!
I shall definitely have a read of your other stories after reading this, I hope they are up to this standard! haha, I have no doubt they are actually. :-)
Author's Response: wow... lol thank you xD I am glad you enjoyed the story so much! I did my best and I am happy to know it went over well :) thanks for the lovely review!
I like stories in which Narcissa is the strong one. Enjoyed this story a lot; I think you did a very good job. The POV was believable and effective.
Author's Response: Me too, I don't like how people always portray her as a weak person :p I'm glad you liked it and that it was believable :D yay!
I like this, I love Narcissa's strength. And of course, I'm all for Lucius and Narcissa really being in love. :)
Author's Response: lol I am not much for them being in love before they were married, but I do thing that after they were married they grew to love each other very much and thats what I wanted to show here. Glad you liked it :D
That was a really good story! I loved how Narcissa was so loyal to Lucius, that was definitely my favorite aspect of it. I hope you write more!
Author's Response: thank you :) glad you liked it! I have always imagined Narcissa as loyal to her family so glad I did good on that!
Wow. That packed a powerful punch for such a short story. I'm so glad you took my challenge. This was magnificent.
I really like the way you incorporated the quote in. It was a nice twist to the quote; I never would have thought to use it in a situation like this.
Keep up the good work and have fun. ^_^
PS. Sorry this is so late =(
Author's Response: aww thanks for the great review Midna! (and don't worry about it being late I don't mind hehe) but I am honored you liked it so much and glad you thought the use of the quote was a good twist :) I really didn't want to use it in the fashion that seems to up out with the whole "oh forget your past love thing".
Thanks again for another fantastic review!:D
I love this :) Especially the comparrason between Bella and Narcissa, and the differences between their marriages. The last lines Bella smirked as Rodolphus came to stand next to her. They had married for blood and now, even after everything, they still didnâ€™t love each other. No, they would not make the same mistake as Lucius and Narcissaâ€¦they simply admired each other. were brilliant - it really was a winderful way to end.
I also thought you captured Voldemort and his selfish nature really well.
And the torture and the cruelty and the evilness - well you know just how much I love that :P
The quote was blended into the story incredibly well.
And I have about a thousand favorite quotes, but for the sake of keeping this review from taking up the whole screen, I'll only post two. â€œI spare them Bella because they are good to have as fodder when I need it. I control her through Lucius and Lucius is not adept enough to go against me. I can use their foolish dependency on love to further my own plans and in that way, they at least make themselves useful.â€ because it was pure, selfish Voldemort, and She had not married him for love, but he had cared enough about her to bring her into his home and his life. Lucius had given her a decent life. And out of all her sisters, she had had the best marriage. because I immediatly connected that line with pad's The Road Not Taken.
Really well done Jenny, 10/10 :)
Author's Response: yay so happy you liked it!!! and that everything was all cruel and evil to your liking mwhahaha :D
I was reading the review and was like "I wonder if she knows that line came from pad's story...." *keeps reading...then grin!!* hehe
I thought it showed the evil and completely screwed up sense of the family mixed with Voldie and I am glad you agree hehe woot!
Wow, I like the way Narcissa defends Lucius. I like the description, but a little more wouldn't hurt. I actually felt bad for Narcissa. This would actually fit my challenge on the forums.never mind, off topic. I really like the story, I'm adding it to my favourites. Um, just one thing.
When you start dialogue in the middle of a sentence, you still need to capitalize the first letter. For example, He stood up slowly and walked to where she lay on the ground. He bent slightly and whispered inquiringly to her, â€œthere would be no suffering at all, if only you would forget him.â€ there should be a capital on "There". Great job! :D
Author's Response: yay glad you liked it so much you favorite'd it :D The whole point was to show Narcissa would do anything for her family no matter how much they screw up so ya I can understand feeling bad for her cause they screw up alot...silly Malfoy boys maybe its a curse like the Simpson boys lol anyways thanks for the review!
okay, i saw absolutely no errors. that was very good, and i love the line, ' they simply admired each other.' i think bella has a thing for voldie. do you think so too?
you characterised voldemort very well. it was close to the best voldie i have ever seen.
Author's Response: sweet glad I got Voldie right hehe and glad you though I did so good :) I think Bella has a thing for powerful men but I doubt Voldie feels anything for her :p thanks for the review!
Wow... even though I'm not a huge fan of the dark side of things, this was a great story! I thought that this was a very interesting way to describe Narcissa, and it seemed to me that that was how she always was.
I really like that she sat there and let her practical side come through, and she was strong and stuck to her guns throughout.
A couple of grammar errors, but nothing too major!
Overall Grade: E
Author's Response: woot E :D never thought I would be happy with that hahaha anyways I get my Narcissa from pad's cause she wrote her how I have always seen her and I used hers for reference :D but I am glad you thought it was so good. woot again!
Nice, Jen. I think it was just a tiny bit rushed, but it was pretty good. =) It was a really nice read and I didn't find any mistakes. Of course, I'm sick and tired, so don't count on me to see them. Great job!
Author's Response: yay glad you liked it pad's! that means its worthy haha xD thanks for the review!