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Haha, okay, this was much shorter than the last one! Naturally I forgot to read your Author's Notes on top of the chapter image, so I thought all of this was actually happening. I understand now, though. 

Slytherins' faces look distorted and gruesome or was that their sour moods? -- I think it  should have been either "their sour expressions" or "their foul mood", and also, you use the expression "distorted and gruesome" quite a few times throughout the chapters when referring to their faces... Maybe you could try to replace them with synonyms to the words a few times so it doesn't get too repetetive? :)

Also, is Draco actually her boyfriend, or did she just believe he was in her dream? Because if he is her boyfriend: shame on him for the way he acted in the last chapter, even though you did an amazing job of keeping him in character (forgot to comment about that in the last chapter)

It was Justin Finch-Fletchly, the lead Hufflepuff chaser.  -- Shouldn't that have been "one of the Hufflepuff chasers" or "The Captain of the Hufflepuff team" or something the like of that? I haven't heard about the teams having a lead chaser in any of the books :P

Except for that, good job, I guess. I've never been a big fan of dream sequences, though, so I'm not the best judge :P At least this chapter had some things going on (aka. snogging), even if it wasn't real!

Author Response

Most people forget to read the author's notes sadly xD

Slytherins' faces look distorted and gruesome or was that their sour moods? - I don't see why I need to change the last part. Also, I only use "distorted and gruesome" twice, the second time was deliberate (actually the second time was 'gruesome and distorted' but that switch was deliberate too).

And yes Draco is her boyfriend, that is why Draco/Pansy listed under pairings ;)

you did an amazing job of keeping him in character - thank you :)

I haven't heard about the teams having a lead chaser in any of the books :P - so? lol even in pairs, one will always be better than the other xD 

At least this chapter had some things going on (aka. snogging), even if it wasn't real! - like I said in the last review, don't always expect action cause its not the most important thing ;)

Hiya! :)

First of all, I think you have a really original plot here! I like the idea of Pansy losing everything, or her family losing everything, whichever. Really puts her Slytherin-pride to the test :)

...she wondered how many kids in her Slytherin house had parents... I think you should have either written just "Slytherin" or just "her house", because "her Slytherin house" sounds kind of irky.

...it was better then asking any... - then should have been "than" ;)

I don't know if the "going's on" is an expression in gambling, I'm not too familiar with the phenomena, but shouldn't it have been "the going on's" instead? I don't know, it just sounds better to me :P The going's on sounds to me like "the going is on".

I was really confused by the part about Rita Skeeter, too... Did she come to Hogwarts and follow Pansy around? And why did she come to talk to Pansy anyway, seeing how she didn't really care wether or not Pansy wanted her to publush the story or not? I think maybe you should have just cut that part out, and replaced it by something along the lines off: 

Fate is a cruel mistress, though, and Pansy wasn’t even dating her. Her father’s misfortune had not gone entirely hidden and now Fate’s advanced guard was breathing down the Parkinsons' neck. Rita Skeeter had somehow gotten a whiff of the scandal, and now there was only a matter of time before the story hit the Daily Prophet's front page.(?)

...her eyes nearly bleed from the... -- either "nearly begun to bleed" or simply "bled" :)

Haha, I feel like I'm picking your story to shreds here, but I think this one has great potential once you rewrite it and weed out the mistakes :) Also, I think that the whole beginning, describing the nature of the gamling socirety and Pansy's loss, seems a little drawn out when compared to the ending where she meets Justin and he brings her to Dumbledore. I was just getting used to the slow pace, and then everything that actually happened in the chapter happened so fast I could barely keep up. I think that you would be well off describing more about how Pansy even knows Justin and what their relationship is like, or has been like before this happened. Since Pansy refers to him as "Justin" I assume they have been on friendly terms, because, being a Slytherin, surely she would refer to him by his surname if they had merely been classmates? 

Also, what exactly did Mr. Parkinson tell Dumbledore? I'm a tad confused :S

Anyways, I did enjoy this chapter, although I'm looking forward to the rest of the story in the hope that there will be more action/dialogue than in this introduction :) Hope you find my notes helpful when you're revamping!

Author Response

Thanks for the review hun! I am glad you think the idea is original :D and don't worry about "picking it to shreds" that is the point of a review isn't it? 

...it was better then asking any... - then should have been "than" ;) - dang it! I try to catch that but sometimes I miss one :P

goings-on = events or activities, especially of a noteworthy or suspicious nature - its a general term for anything not just gambling ;)

Rita came to get an interview and she wanted to talk to Pansy because the story was about her father. Exactly the same as what you wrote, just wondered differently. 

...her eyes nearly bleed from the... -- either "nearly begun to bleed" or simply "bled" :) - actually this was corrected on my word document but I guess I forgot to change it here hehe

As for pace, the parts about Justin finding her and taking her to Dumbledore are meant to be like "everything is happening so fast" because that's how they would be happening for the people in the story. And Pansy refers to him as Justin because she knows his name, there is no rule that she has to call him by his last name... especially when his last name is a mouth full xD 

You're not supposed to know exactly what Mr. Parkinson tells Dumbledore nor does it really matter (stories should never give you all the answer anyways). 

the hope that there will be more action/dialogue than in this introduction - I do not feel the cornerstone of any story should be action/dialogue so don't always expect it x3

A Pansy fic.  Not only that -- Pansy and... Justin Finch-Fletchley (if that is so who she's calling her prince). Something I've never thought of.  I'm rather impressed.

Now, I love the beginning of this story.  Everyone seems to be very much within characterization, and Pansy seems to be given a greater depth that she had in the books.  

There are two (ish) problems with your grammar.  "It [was] a trick she [got] good at over the next few hours, crying so much that her eyes nearly [bleed] from the [continued] attempts."  I found the problem in that sentence quickly, did you?  There's a verb in the wrong tense; the sentence is in the past tense, yet there is a verb in the present tense.  Reread the sentence with "bleed" as "bled."

The second is not really a mistake.  More of a suggestion I have.  Where you say "Then he had gone to find her. He had gone to find her," the repition feels to be lacking something.  It feels like you meant to stress the word "her" the second time but were missing something.  I simply suggest that "her be italicised the second time.  I think it would aid more in what feeling you're trying to express to your reader.

I'm probably missing something I want to say-- I often miss think of something in the beginning of a chapter to point out but forget it at the end...  Ah... oh well.

Thanks for sharing,
-Axjion

Author Response

The two princes are Justin and Draco, with the former being her "real" prince hehe and thanks for finding those grammar problems for me! And I could have sworn the second her was italicized lol maybe it just didn't copy over from word :P but yes its supposed to be.

Anyways, glad the pairing impressed you lol and thanks for the review!

The kiss between Pansy and Justin seemed to happen rather quickly, but I'm glad it did. I guess she just realized very quickly that her dream had wisdom in it that she, with her pureblood training, didn't see at first.

Author Response

The kiss was supposed to be quick cause they both know it would never work but at least wanted to pretend for a moment hehe and I think after that experience Pansy would have a new outlook on the whole pureblood thing. Thanks for the review again :D

I really like the otherworldly quality to the dream. I think I would have been able to tell it was a dream based on the tone even if you hadn't titled the chapter the way you did. I like it that her subconscious is making the connection between Justin and her... Take that, Draco.. I'll love a Mudblood instead of you, it says.

Author Response

Your one of the only people lol everyone else says that I need to state its a dream in the story :P and yeah take that! hehe :D

Normally, I don't like reading Pansy stories, but I think you have given her a plausible personality, which makes me like her. I really feel for her being placed into this shaky situation by her father's reckless and controversial behavior. I can see why it would make her an outcast among Slytherins... I think Draco's reaction to finding out is perfectly in-character.

Author Response

Well then I am glad that the story made you like her, I try to stay in character so its good to her that she is plausible. Same with Draco. Thanks for the review! :D

I have a new favorite charac, and her name is Pansy Parkinson

Author Response

lol yay!

wow, this was great. I don't read Pansy stories very often, but I think here you portrayed her and her thoughts almost perfectly. Her reactions seem very believable. i think you could go places with this story. keep up the good work,  have nothing to criticize :)

Author Response

aww thanks quails (I am stubbornly going to call you that forever mwhahah) I'm glad you liked it :) and I know I could go places with this story but I didn't have the plan to at the time, but mayhaps in the future it I get some time I will :)

Aww, this was sweet :)  I liked the ending a lot because it shows how even though they want to be together, they know they can't.  It would be just way too corny to have otherwise, so I'm glad you chose this ending.

Overall, I thought this was a great story and besides a few grammar issues was well-written.  Good job!

Author Response

I agree on corny hehe thats why I didn't do it that way. As for the grammar issues, what story would be complete without them? haha glad you like the story! :D

Ohh, that was intense! Lol!  I liked this chapter being a dream because now there's more suspense on finding Pansy's reaction in the next chapter.

I like how in the quidditch game, it was Hufflepuff against Slytherin.  I don't know if this is what you're trying to portray, but was this where the two princes come in?  If so, this would be a good metaphore for the vieing of her heart.  Good chapter, now on to the next...

Author Response

The two princes are throughout the story because they are, obviously, Draco and Justin. I wasn't actually trying for that in this chapter, just trying to show the confusion inside her head and heart, but if it works it works hehe Always fun to create something interesting by accident :D

I'm happy you thought it was intense! lol

Oh I like this so far!  I normally don't read too many Slytherin-y stories with Pansy as a main character (and I guess the same could go for Justin), so this is a breath of fresh air :)

Ouch!  The pureblood society is harsh!  I like how you described it though; especially how Pansy's family lost their wealth due to the gambleing.  And Draco's characterization was spot on I think.  And it seems very like him to just give someone the cold shoulder and to just walk away.  it seems that that would always hurt more because the action just screams "you're unworthy."

All in all, good job, and I shall head to the next chapter...

Author Response

Yeah I like to think that Draco knew giving the cold shoulder to Pansy would hurt her the most hehe

Glad you liked the first chapter and that the characterization was good!

haha, I'm sorry but the beginning of this chapter made me laugh. I have no clue why but it did. haha. I really liked the way you had her talk about Draco, I thought that was very well written. The entire chapter was lovely, I really enjoyed it. Overall, this was extremely well written. I didn't notice any spelling errors or gramatical errors so kudos for that. haha. I'm really bad about that.*hides face in shame*. Great job, keep up the great work.

Author Response

yay another great review from birdie hehe again, glad you liked the chapter and the story in general and woot on no errors although I bet there is one in there somewhere haha

I really liked it. It was well written. haha. Hmm...I'm absolutely stumped at what to say. That's a very rare thing indeed, but it's good thing I promise. I have no critism. haha. Good Job, no. GREAT JOB!

Author Response

yay! I'm cheering cause you have nothing to say haha that feel so odd xD but I'm glad you liked it so much!

I've actually never read a fic about Pansy so this was somewhat new for me. haha. But the way you've written her is almost exactly how I pictured her to be. I loved that part of it, the characterization I mean. haha. You also had a great amount of detail and an excellent vocabulary. The only thing I didn't like was that it was short, but I shouldn't be talking(this is about how long my chapters are). Very good, off to the next chapter.

Author Response

I'm glad Pansy was characterized good and that you liked the story! And yeah you should talk....hehe just joking :D thanks for the review!

that was such a sweet story! i gave it a 10/10

Author Response

hehe thanks, glad you liked it!

Hello again!

This chapter was short, but it was quite good. I really hate dreams that end like this one did. Right when it's getting good you wake up. 

"Ho-rah Hufflepuff!" hehe I'm gonna put that in the House Points thread next time Hufflepuff wins ;P 

-Shannon
XxescapingfatexX

Author Response

hahah you go and use that :D and yeah I hate dreams that end that way too -.- so annoying!

Hello! :)

I must say that Pansy is not one of my favorite Harry Potter characters, but I kinda like this story so far. It has an original plot and is well written, and I like that. I absolutely love this simile: "...sweet like a bee sting..." I don't know why but I really love that. 10/10 Onward to chapter two :]

-Shannon
XxescapingfatexX

Author Response

lol its a good simile isn't it xD glad you liked the story even though you don't like Pansy :)

I am wondering what the secret was that Pansy's father had. Maybe once you have more time, you can add the descripition in there of what happened. 

Overall, this was a good story.

Author Response

I tried so hard to think of something that would work well but nothing did so in the end I just left it out. So at the moment its still undetermined lol but yes when and if I write more I will certainly add it in. 

Glad you liked the story! :D

This was a good chapter. It almost seemed like it was actually happening. 

The only thing that I can suggest changing is the last sentence. the sentence flow was good up until "He snickered at her reaction and slowly let his hand move farther up her shirt". Then it ends with "she woke up". Maybe perhaps adding "And then she woke up." That way, it make it more defiante that it was a dream and not real life.

Author Response

I am glad that it seemed like it was actually happening, cause for Pansy thats how it feels hehe also I wanted people to get the sense that something different was happening but still actually happening (which is why I didn't say it was a dream at the beginning..sort of a hey its happening, but something not right feeling)

I'll look into changing the ending a bit and thanks for the review :)

"Your parents have been found alive and well and have been placed in hiding for their protection." 

This sentence seems a little out of sorts. The meaning is clear because you are trying to convey that Pansy's family is all right and that nothing is wrong with them. A suggestion perhaps is making the sentence into two seperate sentences. It can look like: 

"Your parents have been found alive and well. They have been placed in hiding for their protection."

You asked if I would comment on the story being Slytherin-y enough and on the characterization. As a whole, this chapter protrayed the essence of being a Slytherin. Slytherins are known for looking out for each other so that their pride remains in tact. 

The one part that I would suggest working on for characterization is when Pansy is crying in the Great Hall. You got it where the rest of the Slytherins are laughing at her, but Pansy is never known for showing the soft side of herself. She is only known for being hard and cruel to those who were deemed not worthy. 

Overall, it was good.

Author Response

I like the suggestion for the sentence clear up, thanks :)

As for Pansy crying, I think when your world is completely crumbling around you and there is no way to fix it, anyone would break down. You could sit there for a bit hard faced sure, but it would take an incredible constitution to be able to sit through something like that and not cry. That kind of inward strength is something I do not think Pansy has.

Also Pansy does have a soft side as evident in the way she treats Draco, if she likes something she is shown to be very doting. But that all comes down to character interpretation which is different for everyone hehe

Thanks for the review and now on to the next chapter! :D

wowness. I loved this chapter! 

Pansy's characterisation was spot-on, exactly how a pure-blood would feel about faling in love with a muggleborn.

 And the ending was brilliant--not a cliche happy ending, but it still wrapped everything up perfectly. Writing a Pansy-breaks-up-with-Draco-and-finds-happiness-with-Justin ending would have been infinetley (cant spell it) worse. Yours gave me so much more of that warm fuzzy feeling that a romance is supposed to give you than a traditional "happy ending" would have done. I am aware that I am repeating myself but - mpff. Well done you!

I won't go <i>on</i> about grammar and spelling, but they could have done with some clearing up.

10/10 , and I will definitely go read some of your other work when i find the time.

Author Response

lol there are always bits and pieces to clean up cause we all no nothing is perfect, but being little enough not to be mentioned is good :D

and glad you liked this one so much to give it a 10! woot :D I am always worried about characterization so hearing that she was right made me happy :)

hi again!

Even though this was a shorter chapter, I enjoyed it much more than your last.

 I loved the simple but effective imagery, and the fact that the whole chapter was one dream sequence ( although maybe you shouldn't have told us that at the start). Usually people use italics for dreams, but in this case maybe you could italicize the sentence that <i>isn't</i> a dream, just to make it stand out more?

The chapter image still doesn't make sense, and there were a few spelling & grammar mistakes - like "savoir" ( actually means <i>the ability to act or speak appropriately in social situations. </i>lol) which should have been <i>saviour</i>.

Some sentences puzzled me bit, like : <i>Appearance fell to second and pleasure in oneâ€™s friends became the primary facet of stature </i> --maybe it's me being dense, but I didn't really get what you meant there.


<i>She felt his lips travel down her neck in a path Dracoâ€™s never took, the sensation causing warm chills to rush down to her toes and up her spine. It felt amazing.</i> was one of the better descriptions of a kiss I've read - it didn't go into all the unnecessary details. 

this chapter gets 8/10.actually, I changed my mind, 9/10.

Author Response

technically I did say that it was a dream at the start but it was in the authors note lol but I didn't want to say it was a dream because I wanted people to think about the symbolism and not just dismiss the chapter "cause its a dream and dreams usually aren't important" you know? 

I don't get at all why the chapter image didn't make sense in this one as all my chapter images are basically exactly whats going on in the chapter....anyway, I will look into what you brought up and try to change it a bit :) BTW: that sentence meant that rather then appearance making someone "high class" or "important" it was their enjoyment in their friends that did. 

Thanks for the review and glad you liked it enough to up the rating hehe

hello, SilverThimble from the forums here. I'm so sorry this review has taken so long...

Firstly, I liked that Pansy  wasn't completely horrible all the time but still so Slytherin-y , and Draco's reaction was very characteristically correct (a phrase I made up just now and probably made no sense. Let's just say you wrote him well).

Some of your grammar was a little wonky, you changed tense a few times, but overall it was pretty good and didn't hurt my head to read it (hehe). Shouldn't it be something-<i>or</i>-other instead of "<i>err</i> other"? The writing on the chapter image didn't make sense either, but  I suppose the chapter image isn't really part of the story so it doesn't matter so much. I did waste five minutes trying to work out what it meant though.

The only thing I would say, story-wise, is that it all happened very fast...I mean, you gave the back-story, then suddenly Justin is being nice to someone who is a Slytherin and has, presumably, not been very nice to him beforehand.

Overall, I am interested to see what will happen next (always a good thing) and am off to do so now :)

7/10

Author Response

hehe I'm glad it was only minor things that were wrong and yeah the chapter image is supposed to say becomes rather then because lol I just haven't changed it yet :p though the imagery should make perfect sense as its what is happening in the story. 

As for Justin suddenly being nice, I don't see him as a person to hold grudges or care that the person he is helping is "Slytherin" or not. He knows what can happen and so whats to help, thats it really :)

Thanks for the review and glad you liked it enough to see what happens next hehe

I think your characterization was good of Pansy, but one thing is that, she doesn't come off as mean as I thought she was. For instance, I don't picture her as one to beg or seem inferior to someone other than Draco or the Professors at school or her family. I think she would run her mouth at them or something, but maybe that's just my opinion. Other than that, I think you've done a really good job. This plot has potential so keep up the good work! 9/10 :D
-Cyndi

Author Response

I think when life changes so drastically, even the meanest of people will be changed. I don't think Pansy acted inferior, I just think she was so lost in her own mind that she didn't stop others from taking the reins. Besides, I never pictured Pansy as being very mean and cruel without Draco and the Slytherin influence baring down on her. And when your facing total removal of everything you understand, I don't think you'd have much will power to run your mouth to those that are trying to get it back lol at least it wouldn't be very smart ;) 

Anyway, just a different of character interpretation :) glad you like it so far!

Everytime I write that stupid penname, I write Voldemroa. Annoying much?

Anyways, I've given you two reviews on this chapter (special, aren't you?) because I completely forgot to comment on the end.

Good ending. I like it, it makes sense, it's strong, and it's sad ( i like sad stories).

And that's all I wanted to say. But you can't complain about it being short, because I gave ytou two. lol.
Emi

Author Response

woo special! hehe I am happy you liked the end cause I was sad to end it hehe but I think I left it open enough to continue if and when I get the time. Thanks for my two (technically several) reviews! hehe

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