In all technicality, he didn't have to 'weasel his way out' after the second attempted coup. I think Harry testified for the Malfoys, and Mr. Malfoy helped round up the other DEs that had escaped. Don't get me wrong, this is still a good fic.
Hello great writer!
I would like to translate your fic into Russian! What do you think about it? It is possible?
Thank you for the story, I enjoying it:)
I had read it some time ago, and having favourited it, I've decided to tell you:
This is the best story on this site, brilliant, oh that twist, and Ron's and the Malfoys' are so in canon, and it seems so logical in the end.
If this is nominated at the next dobby's it should get best twist and best one-shot.
Thank you for this marvellous piece of literature.
And rightly so! This is an unbelievable story. What is even more amazing is that you say that you've stepped so far out of your normal writing (I haven't had a chance to read your other stuff. Sorry.) The only thing that confused me was not knowing who the storyteller was. I really loved the end when you made him corrupt as well. It just made it even more painfully realistic. Sooo well done!
Author's Response: Thanks so much. Yes, I did more away from my normal style of writing, so this was difficult for me - but I love a good challenge. Needless to say, I'm happy with how this turned out. The storyteller was the lawyer supposed to be against Lucius, but of course, wasn't. I like the fact that he was a bit mysterious and confusing. I'm glad you liked the ending - it was the center of the story really. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
wow... the end really caught me of guard... he paid him off! well i haven't read the last book yet but i hope that doesn't happen in the real story. other than that you have a really great style:) i like it a lot!
Author's Response: thanks so much. I'm glad that you liked it and that the ending was shocking (it was supposed to be). Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Oh my gosh!! Another amazing story!!!
I am, as always, in love with your truly breathtaking writing style and your usage of words. I think the story started off very well and it continued very well too. I love the way you write in the present tense (it makes it more exciting) and how you write it in the point of view of a stranger. (or at least someone who is a stranger to the audience)
This was marvelous. I really donÂ´t feel adequate to give you any pointers or tips. If I had had my old computer I would have copied and pasted my favorite lines in here, although unfortunatly I donÂ´t know how to with this new computer. Oh yeah, but I think my ultimate favorite quote throughout the story was `her beauty diminished by her own broken heart`when describing Narcissa: that was truly beautiful :) And I love the ending, and especially the ending line. Amazing!
But really all I can say is: This is a brilliant piece of work.
Oh yeah, one thing that I can suggest you looking into. A few places where things were meant to be in italics they simply have these . eh, yeah, itÂ´s not a biggie but I just noticed ^^,
Author's Response: Thanks so much. I was always worried about writing in this style, but because of readers opinions, I'm not anymore. I'm really glad that you liked this, and yeah, that you liked that quote about Narcissa. And yeah, I know about those italics. One day I'll get around to fixing them.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review this. I'm always happy to receive my readers' opinions (especially those who've read a lot of my work like you have). Thanks so much!
I really, really like this! I actually had favorited it before you asked for the review, intending to read it when I got the chance. I think this is a MASTERFUL interpretation of the Malfoys after Voldy's death. I could definitely see Lucius being a master of lies (obviously, his name is the same as satan's) and deceit. I love your descriptions of all the characters and the depiction of their emotions through their actions. The whole story has a great sense of drama to it, and I love the twist at the end. It was unexpected yet very, very realistic... Lucius continues using his wealth as a means to freedom. I love the way you characterized Draco, especially.
Author's Response: Thanks. I glad you thought I chaptered the Malfoys after Voldy's death because it was what I was aiming for. I'm glad you liked the depiction of emotions and the characterization, and the twist especially. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you liked it.
I think this was written very well and for not being your usual form, you did an excellent job :) The plot was perfectly rendered and the twist was well hidden which made for the perfect, unexpected ending. Loved it :)
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm glad that my twist was well hidden; I was afraid it might be too obvious. I really appreciate the review!
Hello! You requested a review??
Well I have to say this is very well writen and
I think you could have easily split it into two chapters and maybe you should have! You characterized Ron very well. To me, it's just like him to not really be able to hold back his emotions. That part was great. You made Draco Malfoy well to. I feel sort of sad for him. I loved the part when you described the battle between Draco and his dad.
- W -
Author's Response: First off, thanks for the review, and to address the length, I don't think it was that long. Besides, it was supposed to be a one-shot. I really didn't want to put it into two chapters.
I'm glad you liked my characterization, and that I managed to make you feel a little sympathy for Draco. I've always felt a little sorry for him.
I'm glad that you liked it overall. Thanks again for the review.
Well the first thing I can think to say is that this story is truly amazing. I was not expecting the twist at allâ€¦which is rare for me, so well done for catching me out!
I always do grammar first because, lets face it, it is boring and I donâ€™t want to bore you unnecessarily. You have a couple of complex sentences that are a little bit difficult to understand and need to be read a few times before they make sense. One sentence I highlighted was â€œSometimes, though, in a trial between truth and subtle lies, emotion â€“ such a fake and unpredictable thing â€“ is all that is truly left to examineâ€. I think itâ€™s difficult to understand because of the insert and commas mean the rhythm is juttery. My suggestion would be to change â€˜sometimes, though,â€™ to â€˜oftenâ€™ or something like that. Even a simple change like that would make the rhythm of the sentence better.
Another sentence that caught my eye was: â€œDraco Malfoy, himself, was just cleared of similar charges, though Draco was accused of being involved in the murder of Albus Dumbledore.â€ I donâ€™t think the â€˜himselfâ€™ is necessary and the second â€˜Dracoâ€™ can be changed to â€˜heâ€™.
Ok, so thatâ€™s the grammar bit over (w00p! lol)â€¦on to more interesting topics. You mentioned writing style in your form as an area for concern, but honestly I donâ€™t think you need to worry. I thought writing it in the present tense was a really good idea and it kept the story interesting, because the main character wasnâ€™t just relaying information that had already happened. The only thing I want to point out is that you have a tendency to repeat a point, just using different words. One example is: â€œHe has shown such intense hate, a hate strong enough to turn the genteel man into a seething monster, a hate strong enough to cause him to lie, to cheat, and to do anything to put the man he hatedâ€ Donâ€™t get me wrong, repetition is a good technique, but you do tend to over use it. Use techniques sparingly and they are more effective (As my GCSE English teacher constantly used to tell meâ€¦)
I appear to be slipping back into grammar, so Iâ€™m going to move onto characterisation. I loved Camden! I thought he was really complex; throughout reading the story I had a constant thought at the back of my head that he was slightly dodgy, but at the same time I was convinced he was honest and good. Hats off to you for creating such an interesting character! The only criticism I have is that at one point he calls Lucius Malfoy a â€˜gitâ€™, which I thought was a little out of character. I would have thought he would be able to think up a more eloquent insult to use.
I thought the Malfoys were well characterised and in keeping with their canon personalities. At one point, I thought the story was going in the way of Lucius being out of character, so Iâ€™m glad you kept him in character as the sneaky, manipulative, evil man we all love to hate. :-D
As Iâ€™ve already said, FANTASTIC twist at the end. The way you end the story is good too; unnerving and dark. Personally, I love stories that leave you thinking â€˜oh waitâ€¦no that wasnâ€™t supposed to happenâ€™, which your story does really, really, enviably well.
Well I think thatâ€™s enough from me. I hope you find this review helpful and keep writing! You are very talented :-)
Katherine (DearMyLove on the forums)
Author's Response: First off, thanks for the wonderful in depth review. I really appreciate it! I'm sorry about all the grammer mistakes, and I thank you for pointing them out that way whenever I have the time to get to editting them, I'll know exactly where to look.
I see what you mean by my habit of repeating things. That's definitely something I will keep in eye on.
I'm glad you liked Camden, and I can see what you mean by him being a bit OOC with the word 'git', but I didn't really set his character out beforehand. He was one of those characters that developed as I wrote him, so I didn't have a set personality to balance anything on. But, yeah, I'm glad he came to life for my readers.
I'm glad that my characterization of the canon characters was what it should have been. It was something I was really worried about. I'm glad you like the twist, and that it was a dark ending, which was what I was going for. I written stories that are written with good endings to make you feel happy, but this one I wasn't going for. It was the lesson I was trying to teach. If you mess with evil, all you get it evil, plain and simple. I'm glad I could manage that shock factor.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, I really appreciated it.
Quiet an amazing and original story. Your descriptions were very well written and nothing in the grammar area was wrong. You are a very good writer and you show off some of the best storytelling this website has. Good job and keep up the good work :D
Lots of Love,
Author's Response: *blushes* Thanks, I'm really glad you liked it and that you think think 'I show off some of the best storytelling this website has'. That compliment really made my day. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing.
Hey, its me. =] The one you requested to review your story ? Okay. Truthfully ... this is one of the best oneshots I've ever read !!! The way you write it, its so captivating and it keeps the readers hooked up to your story and my eyes were completely glued to the computer screen ! Apart from just very few grammatical errors like 'volt', a very obvious one, everything was absolutely brilliant. Normally, oneshots are never my favourites here on HPFF, but you proved me wrong ! The length of your chapter is perfect, not too long, and not too short, just perfect for a oneshot story. Congratulations on getting first in the competition, you just deserved it ! Keep the good work up !
Author's Response: Oh, thanks so much! I'm really glad you liked it! Sorry about those little grammatic errors. I'm trying to make time to get around to fix them and I will eventually. I'm really glad I could prove your wrong about oneshots. They can't be quite good, at times. And just thanks so much! I'm so very glad you liked it!
I have never read such an inspiring fanfiction in my life. Everything about it made me fall in deeper, your writing captivated me and made me want to read on more than I have ever done in my life!
Everything was so perfect, the characterisation, the description, the plot was amazing! And Draco! I love him! I loved how you wrote him! I loved it all!
And the thng is, I can't find anything to criticise apart from a few grammatical errors and a few codes that shouln't be there (i.e etc.)! And I can't compliment everything either otherwise this review would be a mile long! I love it! It's on my favs! 10/10
Author's Response: I'm so very glad you liked it. It really leaves me a bit in denial when I read reviews like this, because I've never really considered myself that good. It's so nice to get reviews like it, though, because it really makes my day. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
this story is so different from what you usually write. very well done. not that i mean your other stories are bad ,because they're brilliant, i mean well done that you could do something so different, being outside your comfort zone.
Author's Response: thanks so much! *laughs* I can't believe that you've read all my stories. I think you're my biggest fan *hugs* Thanks for the review!
Wow. That was really an amazing story. Truly amazingly written. One of, if not the best peice of literature I've read on hpff. This definitely deserved first. Description was amazing, the ending was perfect, thoughts were exact. Are you a lawyer?
Umm, a couple things though. when you said Volt in the fourth last paragraph, I think you meant vault. Also, where you meant there to be italics, there were none, just . I don't know why but the same thing happened to me.
Wow. Just unbelievably WOW. I'm still out of breath from reading it.
Author's Response: Oh, thanks so very much. Those are really some compliments. And no, I'm not a lawyer. I'm a fifteen-year-old and the closest thing I've come to a lawyer are the movies about them. I'm glad I got the thoughts exact though, because I really work hard to make characters seem real. I'm glad I was able to do that.
Volt? yes, I probably meant vault *headdesk* And I must have missed those places when I was changing them from html to italics.
I'm so glad you liked it! And thanks so much for the review!
The story was very well-written, and it's good that you challenged yourself. It's always nice to have something like that pass your way once in a while :) It was original, and the twist in the end really gave this one-shot some excitement. I did notice through out that some spots weren't italized like you wanted. The sentence was there and so were the codes. You may want to go back and fix that - it was probably just because you were using the advanced editor. Great one-shot, it was a great read!
Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it. I'm sorry about those italics, and I'll try to go back to fix them. I'm glad you thought is was original and that you liked the twist. Thanks so much for the wonderful review!
first of all I must say I really enjoyed reading this, although I wasnt sure that Id like it at first because of the length. You proved me wrong!
Im really sorry about the delay...I hope its worth it for you! It was for me, I can assure you that.
I'll start with the grammar and writing style. Firstly, I found your vocabulary to be very good, I liked the variety of expressions you used. I found a couple of typos and repetitions, but nothing much (Never.â€ ; Lie to the Wizengamot.; for the right world [word] that would express). Apart from that I dont think I found any error that would be important to state here. :)
Your writingstyle is very fluid, captivating because of the use of the 1st person. You managed pretty well to describe all the feelings and events that succeed each otherin your story in a way that we (readers) can really understand. Its a very vivid portray of the whole episode. Congratulations for a wonderfulwork on that!
the ending is, of course, amazing. You were capable to fool us all during the whole time until the final paragraphs. :)
Congratulations again and keep up the great work! xD
p.s. please do let me know when you have newwork. :)
Author's Response: I'm so glad that you liked it. It makes me feel good when people don't think they'll like the story, and then they find out they misjudged it. I'm so glad this was the case here.
I'm sorry about those typos. I'm planning on fixing them when ever I get time on my hands (I have no idea when that will be *grimace*) But I'm glad there weren't too terribly many.
I'm glad you liked my style (especially since it was first time writing like this) and that I managed to convey everything well. And I'm glad I was able to fool you. I've never considered myself very good at hiding this, so I'm glad I managed the sort of impact that I was going for.
Thanks so much for the wonderful review! I appreciate it so much. And, yes, I'll let you know whenever I get new work. Before then, however, you can always check out one of my other stories on the sight if you wanted to read some of the other stuff that I'd done.
Thanks once again!
Wow! No wonder you got first place in the competition. This is brilliant. A bit confusing at first but really great!
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm not sure how it was confusing at the beginning, but I'm glad you liked it anyways. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I'm glad you liked it!
That was amazing :)
A couple things:
You had some errors in grammar and spelling, but that's not a big deal.
I thought the exposition was simply goregous. However, the conclusion doesn't seem to be quite as good. I don't think the ending was the real point of the story. It was powerful, but it didn't fit completely with the story. Perhaps something with more impact.
Other than that, I'm sorry. I can't give you any more critiques! :)
Rated 10/10 :)
Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad that, over all, you liked it. And I'm sorry that you didn't like the ending. I wasn't really going to teach anything, just to have a huge shock factor - and in that way I think it had impact, but it wasn't really meant to have a lesson, unless it was that no one is quite as innocent as they seem and everyone will eventually pay their price. Lucius did when he lost his son. And Camren sold his good reputation - his real worth as a lawyer and a human being -- for those galleons.
But anyways, I'm glad you liked it overall. Thanks so much for the review!
Wow, hun, you never cease to amaze me. :) This is definitely different from what you normally right. I love that you tried something new. I love doing that myself.
I think you probably could have submitted this piece to a plot twist challenge as well! Goodness, never in a million years would I have seen that end coming. Really creative of you, I must say! I really love the way you write your character. The POV you chose is very unique. *snaps*
Sometimes though you switched back to past tense for a word or so. It's nothing major, but it threw off the flow a tiny bit. These spots were rather infrequent, but they are there occasionally.
Other than that, you did a great job!
Author's Response: I never cease to amaze you? *blushes* Thanks...that means a lot. *blushes again*
I'm glad I tried something new too. it was a really rewarding experience. And yes, I do think I changed tenses a bit, but that was because I was unfamiliar and unsure how to work with the tense. But I'm just glad that those places were rare. I remember that, when I started writing it, I would start writing past tense and I'd have to stop myself and go back to fix it, slapping my forhead the whold way. lol.
I'm glad my ending was a mystery. I wasn't really sure if it was shocking, because people have told me that it was obvious that he wasn't doing his best. I'm glad you liked it, and the character. A lot of people have said they like Camren, and I'm a bit surprised, because I guess I didn't put a lot of thought into him. I only knew what he did (accepting the money) and what kind of a man he had to be to do that. I guess what I'm saying is I wasn't really attached to this character. But I'm glad others really like him.
Anyways, thanks so much for your reviews. They really mean a lot to me and I love the input you always have for my stories. Thanks again!
This was a very interesting storyline, something i hadn't even thought of writing so highly oringal. The twist at the end was very good too. I liked that bit alot.
As for you writing style it worked very well for the piece, its quite formal (as a court would be) and the vocab used is very creative.
The characterization of each character was perfect spes Draco's, you hit the nail right on the head with his (for lack of a better pharse) bad ass exterior but when it comes to his father hes softens.
All in all a very good one shot that i enjoyed alot.
This review was requested on the forums.
Author's Response: I'm glad that you thought this was original. I try very hard to be unique, and I'm glad you liked the twist. That was really the most important part of the story, so I'm glad it came off well.
I'm glad you liked the writing style and that you didn't think that it was a waste for me to go through the hard work of writing it like that. I'm glad it helped to build a formal mood. And I'm glad you thought the characterization was perfect, because I was worried about that, none more than I was worried about Draco's. But I'm glad you though I got him right. It brings a lot of relief.
Well, I'm glad you liked the story, and I can't thank you enough for the review!
Hi, this is andromeda from the forums :)
Well I think this is a truly original and remarkably well-written piece. At the same time it is perfectly canonic, so it's like an ideal fanfic or something ;) lol. It's obvious that you put a lot of time and effort into the story, and this makes it particularly pleasant to read.
The question of Mr. Malfoy has been bothering me for quite some time. Some people say that JKR 'forgave' him for sticking with his family in the end; I hope this is not true, and I wish to believe that he got at least part of what he deserved in losing control on his son, just as it is in your fic. Actually, your story got me interested in post-hogwarts Draco, and that's saying something as I have never been a fan of his.
I think the characterization of everyone was perfect. I especially like how you showed that both Draco and Lucius really cared for Narcissa.
Oh, and I love the narrator. It is a very interesting idea, making him this two-faced cinical man.
The only thing, you misspelled the Imperius curse, and I think there were a couple of times when you used past tense where it should have been present.
Otherwise, this story is really, really great!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review!
First off, I'm really glad that you found this well-written and original and canonic, some of the words I hoped for. And, yes, I did put a lot of work into this. Well, I always put a lot of work into my writing, but this fic I worked extra hard on.
I don't really know if JK Rowling, in her own mind, now likes Lucius and forgave him - I don't see how that matters, because as readers, we have the right to our own opinion. I do know, however, that she said he weaseled his way out of Azkaban, which doesn't really surprise me. It's logical that he would have found some way out. But no, I wasn't necessary happy about it, though I am relieved Draco escaped (more on this later). And yes, he did deserve losing control on his son.
I'm glad I got you likign Post-Hogwarts Draco. I've liked Draco since the sixth book (that mental image of him hovering over the sink and sobbing really got to me) and I've always thought that if it hadn't been for his father bullying his own way of thinking into Draco, Draco would have turned out differently. I was looking forward to a great change in him during the seventh book, but that didn't happen. I believe that Draco was one of those characters that JK really let down, or didn't take to their full potential. I made me sad, so that was the reason I decided to do this, have him escaping his father. But I made sure to do it in a Malfoy-like way.
And I'm glad you though my characterization was good, and yes, I did make them both care for Narcissa, because I really think that's canon. It's apart of them. As strange as it may seem, as selfish as they generally are, Draco and Lucius both care for Narcissa. I'm glad you noticed that and liked it.
I'm glad you liked my main character. It still surprises me that people like him and find him interesting, because he was one of the characters that I didn't really get attached to. But I'm glad people find him interesting. It really means a lot.
And I misspelled Imperius?! *headdesk* My apologies. And yes, I really do need to fix those tense errors. You're not the only one who pointed that out.
Well, I'm really glad that you liked this! Thanks so much for the review! I appreciated it!
Hey there. :)
I'm hear to review like you requested!
I am very much in love with your use of language and imagery. I loved how you wrote the opposite of how you normally do, too. And you did it wonderfully. :)
I would suggest a beta, though. There were a few mistakes here and there, but nothing major. Betas are useful in that sense. :)
Also, I would suggest you minimize the spacing between each paragraph and such. It is long enough alone, and adding more spaces that necessary seems pointless, lol.
You did a great job overall. Be proud! ;) Congrats on taking first, too!
Author's Response: Oh, thanks. I'm glad you liked it so well. And I *cough* did use a beta. I realize there were a few mistakes, but I didn't catch them until AFTER I'd submitted, and I have a problem with my spaces when I submit because HPFF keeps adding more and more, and I don't know how to get it to the right amount without it getting mess up. Which is why I hate editting, because it messes it up even more. Don't know what's going on with that.
Oh and thanks for congratulating me. It's taking a while to sink in. And I'm so glad you liked this! Thanks so much for the review!
wow. that was perhaps one of the best oneshots ever. im so like...shocked, i guess is the word. your writing was AMAZING. your sentences flowed easily, and your descriptions were the best of all! they were AWESOME! this whole story had me glued in my seat with my mouth wide open.
in all, you've done an EXCELLENT JOB! this is going into my favorites, deffinitly! and congrats on getting first- you totally deserve it!
Author's Response: Wow, thanks so much! I'm really quite flattered. I'm so glad that you liked it. And thanks for congratulationing me. It still feels sort of surreal. It's hard to believe howe well it did and how well you liked it. I just never thought it was that good. Well, thanks again *hugs*