Hey, since it took so long for me to give you the requested reviews (and since I couldn't stop myself from reading) I reviewed an extra chapter.
About your note at the end, did people really think you were talking about about Roger Davies? It was quite clear to me that it would be Susan after you described the story of her Uncle Edgar... But as you say, they are probably related somewhere anyway!
Another great chapter, so heart wrenching how you write of those four friends' final moments. I loved how you involved Susan in the greater plan of the trio, it is a nice and actually really believable plot twist; it makes a lot of sense for Ron and Hermione to ask for people to guard the bathroom. And who better than their co-prefects?
The only thing that made this chapter less amazing than the previous ones is the little mistakes and errors in typing that scatered the text. It's not much but, as I do with every review, I prefer letting the author know what I see, not in the hope of being harsh and rude but mainly to help you improve your already amazing work.
"almost burst into tears of mixed joy and relief as she say what he was running towards."; is it 'as she 'saw'' ?
"They felt her there"; do you mean 'left her there'?
"Don’t quite on me now"; you added an extra 'e' to 'quit'
"about the cup that haunted her their past"; either 'her' or 'their' past but not both
"she trailed off as imagines of her Aunt Amelia"; do you mean 'images'?
“His alive!”; should be 'he's alive'
Well this was an amazing read, you are a really gret writter, excellent at creating engaging characters and setting them in original settings. It was a real pleasure to read your work, please keep writting and don't hesitate to request again should you ever feel the need!
Author's Response: Hey hun, thanks for reading an extra chapter even though you didn't have too :) and yes a few people have said they did think the final chapter was going to be about Roger Davies hehe
I am happy that this was believable and I agree that it does make a lot of sense. I honestly dislike stories that focus solely on the Trio (or one character) and have them do everything. Things just don't work that way.
Thanks for pointing out the mistakes too! I actually enjoy when a reviewer points them out because it means I have a chance to fix them cause I obviously didn't notice haha
Thank you so much hun for your kind words and for reading my story! I am very happy you enjoyed it!
Wow, what a terrifying chapter...
I was really curious as to why the meeting was so obviously attended by that many Orer member; guess it makes sense.. You really did an amazing job writing this. It feels horrifyingly real and believable. I loved to hate every single Death Eater, particularily Fenrir is all his excitment... That was really well written, gave me chills to read of him hoovering over the children.
I really loved this chapter. Although different from the others, you still show a great sense of control over your subject. You show you master the art of writting horror just as well as suspense. Excellent work
Author's Response: Terrifying yes, really hard to write too :P As strange as it sounds, I am glad it gave you chills as that means I wrote it the "right" way.
You show you master the art of writting horror just as well as suspense. - This was really my first time writing that kind of horror so yay!
what a wonderfully well written chapter. A missing scene so perfectly shaped that it fills every question regarding the artifacts and how Tom got his hand on them.
I really liked the charaterization, once again. You create minor character that only have a life for one chapter and yet they are fully fledge and given a soul and purpose that is rarely found. I particularitly liked the way Taylor tought and considered Tom Riddle; the way he perceived him back in school and how he saw him now, right before his death.
I noticed one little slip of typing while I read and wish to let you know of it :
"The soft and yet thunderous sound of Tom’s voice in his ears meant he was to close to simple apparate away."; I think it should be 'too' close to simply...
It was a really great chapter that I greatly enjoyed reading, I can't wait to read your next installation, excellent job.
Author's Response: Hello again hun, you're really sweet you know? :3 But then, who doesn't feel all giddy when they get praised lol
I am really happy your enjoying the story, and especially happy that I did such a great job to deserve your praise :D
What an amazing chapter! I really, really enjoyed it. The vocabulary and sentence structure you use to write here give the perfect "old age" feel. I greatly enjoyed how you set your story historically with little information drops about the Baron among other thing; it really gives your story a unique and interesting feel.
The characters are amazing. I particularily liked how you described the four founders from the eyes of a muggle child; it shows them in a different light and probably something that is even closer to the reality since children don't try to overanalyse things : you look evil, you are evil. Your descibtion of Huffelpuff is really interesting and the way she talks to the children, explaining who they are and what they are is really well done.
If there is one thing I might say that... ticked me off a little... in the fact that all the children found in the orphanage have surnames of kids found in Harry's era. It seems highly unlikely that none of them would either be extinct or all of them would happen to have a descendant exactly in the year span that Harry went to Hogwarts.
I know, it's really nothing and I'm pointy put I just wanted to let you know how I felt about it. Doesn't make your first chapter anyless great and enjoyable.
Thanks for requesting!
Author's Response: Hey Akussa, so glad you enjoyed the chapter! I am happy that the vocab and structure was "old age" feeling even though I didn't plan it that way lol
"you look evil, you are evil" hehe yep, that's pretty much it :3
As for the names thing, it was only done for fun, but whose to say it couldn't happen... hehe
I was right yay! I can say though, you kept me guessing until the 3rd chapter when it twigged. It is a great twist. :)
"His alive!" I'm guessing you meant He's alive.
Anyway, I really like this story, the way you have set it up its very well done. Once you sort the random typos, your are all set.
Most stories I have read from the final battle have been from the trio's eyes or Ginny's or someone like that. I have one from Fred's eyes myself. It was refreshing to have it from a smaller character's POV.
I really like this story. Good Luck with the re-write! :)
Author's Response: Hey hun, yes you were right hehe but I am glad I kept you guessing for a bit! Glad you liked the story too!
I agree that far to many stories on the last battle are from the main character's perspective. I adore minor characters myself and this just gave me the opportunity to show it from one of their points of view :)
Thanks for reading hun!
Hi again. :)
Aaah I think I have figured it out. Bones! Ameila Bones. She was related to Susan who went to Hogwarts with Harry! Oh yeah! I'm probably wrong now!
You description in the graphic section of this chapter is brilliant and you have another line. Honestly there is one line each chapter that lifts away from the dark storyline. Which because it is so dark, these lives are brilliant.
"you see? This is why Rodolphus and I don’t have children. It makes you pathetic and weak." The first part anyway, is such a moment.
Looking at some of your reviews, I see people aren't understanding how everyone links in. I am though but I guess it is just me.
On that point I agree with the point made about Edgar being a deatheater/order member section more clear. I did get a bit confused at that point.
Author's Response: Hey hun, I am really pleased that the description was good because that was something that took awhile to write. That was a hard scene to visualize because really - who wants too xP
Hi again. In my last review, I said something about fairytales but Cinderella was written before Hogwarts was founded, so I retract it.
Anyway, I really like this chapter, it flows rather well on from the first. You do twists quite well, I didn't see that coming because I knew Tom coulsn't get the goblet at that point. You did it well though.
I understood Taylor was Annabelle's desendent from your little family tree.
Again you have one line that killed me. "leave it to the muggles to start a war that covered the whole world...again." haha
Oooh Tom is going to do something bad to the Davies family. You know I cannot think for the life of me, who it is that has the same last name.
Anyway, onto the next chapter.
Author's Response: Hello again! I am glad to know I do twists well, that makes me smile :) and I added the family tree because I didn't want people to get confused, the first jump in time is the biggest one after all.
Hi RandomRed here from the forums.
The idea of the stone is actuallu genius. I had never thought of how they knew before the ministry of magic was set up. A really nice touch.
There was one line, that made me laugh. Two secs, I'll find it. "A man dressed in black and green had a face that no child could love." I think there shouls be a comma after green but I'm not sure.
I really like how you mention the fairytales but also in the way you talk about things. Which makes it seem truthful and not something you character is making up in her head. The whole fairytale aspect also fits in with the time period.
The one thing I owuld be careful aboutis a lot of fairytales were written after 1000AD when Hogwarts was founded. However, that is me being picky and most people probably won't notice.
One thing, I am rather confused. The estate the go to is that Hogwarts. If it is, which I'm guessing it is. You could probably make that more clear but other than that I really like this chapter and I will now go and read the rest. :)
Author's Response: Hey hun, I am really happy you like the idea of the stone. Took me quite awhile to figure out that little bit hehe
I am happy you like the fairytale usage as well. I figured that would be how a little girl during that time would few suddenly being thrown into such a place :) and a lot of WELL KNOWN fairytales where written after, sure, but the fairytales in general have been around since LONG beforehand so no worries.
Oh and the estate was not Hogwarts, that was Helga's home that the first go to :P
Nah, I didn't think you were talking about Roger ;) Though, I do love this twist that you've put! It's amazing, like, literally, amazing. This entire...story (collection?) has been one hell of a ride. This chapter really made me tear up. You could feel the anticipation, feel the sudden rush of adrenaline, feel the pain and ache in your chest as you realize one of your friends has died. I love the quotes you've come up with especially the one that Helga said at the beginning (and dude, major props for mentioning it together in the end! As my English teacher calls it, a literature sandwich? :P).
I love Susan and her bravery. You've given the 'Puffs their own story (and as a Puff, I am quite glad that you've written something about them.) and you've made it quite magical. You've made them brave! You've made them especially loyal! You've pointed out all the qualities that make Hufflepuff House a legit house. Everyone always dismisses the 'Puff house as 'where the extras go to' but you've shown that they're just as brave as the Gryffindors, just as clever as the Ravenclaws, just as ambitious as the Slytherins.
There were a few misspelled words, but nothing too important as the weight of your description and ability to drag the reader INTO the actual story outweighs the mistakes. Honestly, this is an amazing story! How on earth did you think of this? Definitely has become one of my favorites! :) I'm so glad that you've written it.
Author's Response: I did not come up with the quotes, they were given to me for a challenges but yeah, mmm sandwich ;) hehe
And I agree about the Hufflepuffs and how everyone just writes them off. While I did not plan for this to be about the Hufflepuff's in that manner (it was just supposed to be about the Bones family and their connection with the school and the war and everything) I am glad it turned out the way it did :)
As for how I thought about it... umm I signed up for a challenge that said "pick one of four quotes," then went to bed and this crazy idea came into my head which had me using all four quotes and it just ballooned from there lol I don't know if it was just I couldn't pick one or I just wanted to do a generational story but eh who cares how, it turned out great and I am very happy that you enjoyed it! :D
OH. MY. GOSH. This chapter sent shivers down my spine! Your description is amazing @_@. I did find a few errors: members - I think you mean memory and seamy romance when I think you mean steamy! Oh, gosh. I was like O_O when Fenir attacked his son! And his two daughters. The poor Bones' family! Oh, and I finally understand the chart - it just took me awhile :P But I love how it ties together all the characters.
Excellently written, wonderful characterization (I mean, dang, Bellatrix? Spot-on!) and just, chilling, chilling scenes.
Author's Response: Good, exactly the reaction one is supposed to have hehe and no I did indeed mean seamy... although both words would work hahaha
Aw, poor Taylor :( I was wondering if you could explain the chart in the beginning? I've just done a massive amount of math homework so my brain is no longer functioning! Also, is Hepzibah Smith a relative of Michael Smith? Honestly, I love the way you've tied in bits of history with bits of your own story. It's refreshing. Again, excellent, well-written chapter! :D
Author's Response: Michael and Hepzibah... never thought of that lol I was going with Michael as an ancestor to Zacharias but who knows lol and I am glad your liking the story so far :D
This is such a well-written chapter! I love the spin you put on the Founders. My favorite part was the fact that Annabelle kept comparing the Founders to stereotypical characters in fairy tales - which is something that I've always imagined them to be. Of course, my favorite is Helga (and her yellow robes :P) and it's rather interesting how you included a stone! What led you to that idea? Amazing, well-written, what can I say? :D
Author's Response: hehe yeah I have always seen them that way too, I just was never able to see the Founders in a "serious" manner xD as for the stone I have no idea... my muse likes to be strange like that :P
I loved this story. It was lovely. I don't really think that you need them to flow into each other. They are very obviously family. I think it was a great idea to span through the generations.
One issue I did face is the name Taylor. Taylor is a name that has recently become popular in the United States as of the 1980's or so. I don't think Taylor would be a name given to a child in the 1940's. I know it's a little detail, and you don't have to change it, but I just wanted to note it.
My favorite part was the first and last chapters. I really liked that you portrayed one of the first students at Hogwarts, and that you gave us the final battle through someone else's eyes. That was fantastic.
Author's Response: thanks for the great review, I am glad you really liked the story! It is one that I am probably the most proud off :D Anyways, I will look into the name thing, I honestly don't remember why I picked Taylor so I don't think changing it would be a big issue but who knows, I'll have to look at my notes for that hehe
I love it! It was great to see that scene from Susanâ€™s PoV and I love how you described her feelings. The final line was my favourite, and I really like the little hint of Neville/Hannah in there. ^_^ There were some typos in there, but other than that, you did a great job! Keep it up!
Author's Response: thanks so much! I will try and fish out all the typos when I re-edit the story too :D
It was really interesting to see the scene from another perspective, and you brought out her personality and how others related to her well. There were a couple of things:
'those closed to Harry' - should this be 'closest'?
'her heart sent waves of approve across the room' - 'approval'?
Also, in the Edgar chapter, I think you may have said 'members' instead of 'memories'? (Sorry to be picky.)
It was wonderful, and a very interesting story to read, because it slotted so well into the Potterverse. I'm just sad it's over.
Author's Response: Oh please be picky, I like it when you help hehe yours is a very valuable opinion to me :D I am so glad that its good chapter and a good story hehe like I sad earlier in your profile on the forums I am sad its over to but I think I left it open enough to continue if I wanted...although that would kind ruin the whole war/school vibe thats going on as well as the family history hehe
Very clever. I loved the way he fell into their trap. I felt again that you could do more with his emotions. You write from the perspective of a man very well. I can picture of what happens in my mind very easily.
Author's Response: I write men well but apparently not their emotions ;) lol good to know... I don't know if you would want to picture all that in your mind though, most people would cringe...I did when I wrote it :/ so sad
I loved the way he was descended from Annabelle; it was very cute. One thing: Little Hang*le*ton. I thought maybe it could be improved if his emotions were more clear in the moments leading up to his death, because at the moment it's rather factual. Otherwise, it was brilliant.
Author's Response: Another thing that will change with the rewrite hehe its hard to write a story that flows when you don't really know the section that comes next xD hehe thanks again!
This was fantastic. You dealt with the canon very well, and with the history, which I know I don't often think about when thinking about that era. I loved the idea of it too. There were several moments where I was like, "Oh, so she's ..." and you didn't need to tell me, which was really good. There were just a couple of points:
'cut of' (third paragraph) - should be 'cut off'.
I wasn't entirely sure if this was wrong, but there were a couple of points like this: ""Save us?" Michael yelled, "is that what you call murdering us?"" and I wasn't sure whether the 'is' should be capitalised, as it comes after a punctuation mark in the speech.
Overall, it was excellent.
Author's Response: I had to work real hard on this section of history cause its way back before anything that is usually in Founders era stories hehe which is where they all should be ;) anyways I'll fix those errors when I do my rewrite but for now I am glad you liked it and thanks for the review! :D
Wow! This was a lovely and insightful story! I've yet to read another like, you've really impressed me. ^_^ I enjoyed reading it immensely, and the amount of detail that you've added to otherwise unknown eras and characters is mind-boggling.
Your characterisation of the characters was spot on. I really don't know what else I can say, except that this was a wonderful piece of writing and that you have some serious talent!
There were a few typos here and there, but considering the size of the story, that's something to be proud of. :o) I only spotted four or five out of a 12,000-odd word story, so kudos goes to you!
Definitely different to most of the stuff I read in the queue. :oP Thank you for a lovely read!
Author's Response: *dies of happiness* square this has to be the best review I have gotten ever. Seriously, I am very honored and humbled. Thank you so much! :D
Well, another great chapter. One thing I noticed is for a moment you let us see how it might feel to be a Death Eater, and how they too are fighting for the beliefs, no matter how 'wrong' they are. It was really insiteful, and interesting. I look forward to the next part of this story, it should interesting to see the cups last moments, I suppose.
Author's Response: Yeah I was working on this at the same time I was writing some pieces about why the Death Eaters joined Voldemort for the Death Eaters collab and it was just in my head lol
It makes sense though, they fight for what they feel is right just the same as we do, the only problem is that we disagree on what is the right path and what is the wrong path :p So consider it an easter egg lol as it wasn't intended.
As for the last part, thats being worked on right now hehe :)
This was a really interesting turn of events. I did not see it coming. Once again I really liked your word choice, and flow of your story. Your characterizations are quite on spot, and I like Taylor, though I will admit the name kind of urks me, and how he risked his own life to keep the cup safe. Interesting. At the moment I can't really think of anything for you to improve on. I think there could have been a little more emotion, I suppose, when it comes to Taylor, but I think it helped showing the time period without it. Okay, so I just contradicted myself. Just ignore the last few sentences. Haha. Good story! I'll try and review the next chapter soon!
Author's Response: Whats wrong with the name Taylor? hehe as for risking his life, having gone to school with Tom, I feel he would have known just how "evil" he could be you know? And with the events just prior, it seemed logical that he wouldn't just hand it over even if his life did depend on it.
As for adding emotion but not, I might throw a bit in when I fix up some other things reviews have pointed out to be, but glad to hear I don't have it if I don't want to haha :D
Thanks again for another great review!
Well, I will say this, though it may have not been one of my favourite genre's, your writing really pushed any hesitation out of my mind. Superb word choice; it really helps give you a feel for the time and who the characters are. The glowing stone was a really interesting way for Helga to find out who was a witch/wizard or not. Great first chapter! I'm not too sure when I'll be able to review the next chapter, as final exams start next week, but I will try very hard to do so soon.
Author's Response: Wow, I'm glad my story had that effect on you to make you enjoy something you don't usually. And thanks for the compliment on word choice, I am big on that so its nice to know I did well :)
As for the stone, I wanted to think up something that would seem strange but not altogether frightening to the children you know? I doubt Helga just pulling out her wand would have been a good plan xD
It's alright if you if you don't review the next parts, I am quite pleased with this review on its own hahah, but hey that at least gives me time to finish up the last part...well hopefully :p
Okay I gotta write this down to ask you before I forget ... I like the idea of having the family tree at the beginning of the chapter, but I just needed some clarification. So Annabelle of Chapter 1 (the orphan girl who is taken by Helga Hufflepuff) married Mr. Davies? So that would make them the grandparents of Taylor, the man that Tom Riddle killed in Chapter 2? I was just slightly confused by that ... it may help if you included last names perhaps? I see that the family keeps certain names for their children, so that would be especially helpful. :)
I love the way you are jumping from era to era ... Founders, then Riddle's era, then Hogwarts era. Very skillfully done. The characterization was excellent in this chapter, particularly for Lucius and the Lestranges - they were very in character with what they were in the book. I felt very sorry for Edgar, but honestly what did he expect, running around with Death Eaters ... the scene with Melissa succumbing to Fenrir's treatment was pretty darn scary. Fenrir freaks me out, no joke - the bloody yet contented smile was a beautiful touch.
You've done an excellent job so far! You write very well and very consistently throughout all three chapters. I have seen a few spelling errors and grammar errors here and there, but what story doesn't have them? I've proofread my own chapters at least ten times each and always manage to find something wrong every time. I think my own piece of advice would be to connect the stories a little bit more; I see that you are telling the story through the generations of one particular family, but as I mentioned at the start of the review, I got confused as to how everyone was related. I guess that this Edgar and Melissa are the nephew and niece-in-law of the Taylor who got killed by Riddle, which means they must be great-grandchildren of Annabelle ... but I would just perhaps make that a bit clearer, in order to provide an obvious link between the three stories so far.
Other than that, fantastic job! :) Please let me know when you update, I'd be glad to read what comes next!
Author's Response: OK family tree clarification: Yes Annabelle married Mr. Davies (its implied but not stated outright), but no they are not the grandparents of Taylor. The Founders Era was in the 1000's and the Riddle Era was in 1940's so that would be quiet impossible hehe but yes they are his ancestors. Oh and last names are not given for a reason hehe its supposed to be kind of a surprise for the last part for the people who don't figure out which Trio Era student it will be ;)
I'm glad the jumping from era to era part is good cause the idea was running through my head so fast I was worried it wouldn't come out right on paper lol as for characterization, thanks for the compliments. I am always worried about that :D But Edgar was not "running around with Death Eaters" he was working for the Order, spying on the meeting. As for Fenrir, good! He is supposed to be scary lol
Anyways, yes I know they need a bit more connecting but that will be a lot easier when I have the last part done and know where everything is heading you know? So a rewrite in the future is planned but nothing to drastic as its supposed to be partly up to the reader to make the connections :)
Thanks for another great review and I will let you know when I finish the last part which is in the works now :D
Hey again! :) Great chapter, I love anything that has to do with Little Hangleton and the Riddle family because that's the focus of one of my stories. I'm very interested to know why the innkeeper spoke so well of the family, since they were known to be an arrogant and uppity sort of people. Maybe they paid him to say things like that? Or maybe he was just feeling uncomfortable in the presence of Taylor, a stranger to the village, and decided to lie?
I'm a little confused as to why Taylor is there at all - I'll try to go back and read more carefully, I have a tendency to read too fast ... but did Tom ask Taylor to meet him there? I know Tom returned to kill his father and grandparents, but I just don't see why Taylor would show up there to meet an old schoolmate that he didn't even like. You know? Unless Tom set up that meeting in order to steal Helga Hufflepuff's cup, but he did seem surprised to see that Taylor had it in his possession so maybe not. I'm just a bit confused on that part.
Also - and feel completely free to ignore me, the self-dubbed canon psycho - but in the books, Helga Hufflepuff's cup is acquired directly by Tom from that really fat woman. You remember the lady I'm talking about? She had a little house-elf who guarded the cup, and Tom came on a commission from Borgin and Burke's to get the cup for their collection (or so he claimed). This would mean that he got it much later on, and not at the age of 16 when he returned to kill his dad. If you're trying to stay canon, just totally ignore me! I just wanted to make sure. :)
Anyway you already know I'm enjoying this story so not much more to say there! Great job once again! Next chapter :)
Author's Response: The innkeeper was said to be clearly uneasily, so I imagine he would be talking so highly of them to avoid anything bad happening to him if he didn't lol that and in that time you didn't really openly talk bad about your neighbors to people you just met and will only see for a short time you know :)
As to why Taylor was there, yes you read a little fast as the first paragraphs clearly states that he is just stopping in to rest from a storm before he heads home from his mission. Taylor being in the same town as Riddle's parents when he comes to kill them was purely coincidental.
As for how Tom got the cup, yes I know the canon and I very much stuck to it. Hepzibah Smith is that 'really fat woman' as you called her hehe :D Taylor had gone on a mission to get the cup from the goblins and was going to give it to Hepzibah and then she was supposed to place it in Hogwarts (but as canon shows she doesn't follow through). And when Taylor is about to die he sends the cup away (to his wife as said in the next part) so Tom can't get it..so everything falls into canon :)
Hope I answered everything for you! Glad your enjoying the story!
What a wonderful beginning! I got drawn right into the story. It almost reminds me of a fairy tale, the way these orphans were pulled from their everyday lives of not being wanted, and taken to a magical castle by a good witch. I think you have the era down pat, especially because of the children's shocked and terrified reactions to Helga saying she was a witch. I'm sure they wouldn't have been eager or curious as children would be now, since the stigma on "witchcraft" was much greater at that time.
I don't see much characterization going on but this is only the introduction so far, so I'm sure more will be revealed about Helga and Rowena and Annabelle in good time. The pace was great, and everything was very, very well-written. It's a pleasure to read something that's so polished. I've always been interested in the Founders era so I'm glad you gave me this story to read! On to the next chapter :)
Author's Response: Actually the Founders Era was pre-Witchcraft hysteria. It hadn't even really started save for one or two kings, which is why I didn't have them freak out more...well more then they did lol
As for characterization, yeah I could have added more but the point of the story wasn't to focus on the characters. Maybe in a future rewrite I will add a bit :)
I'm honored to hear you call my writing polished lol glad you liked it! :D