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MORE! Pretty please?

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Beautifully done! A few mistakes, but really well done! I loved the part that they kissed, though it was a little confusing to why she was crying... other then that, well done!
Painfullygone

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Hey there! Sorry this review took so long to come, but I'm here now! :)

Okay, you pointed out that you are not very strong at grammar but I didn't see many problems with that. :) It was just the flow that I had trouble with. Let me show you what I'm talking about, so I don't confuse you! :D

The first paragraph is a nice opening, although I really think you could have put more description into it. You should extend it a little bit more, I think, because the twins' dad leaving them and their mother was slightly abrupt and happened a little too quickly. Maybe you should have had the twins standing on the stairs, listening to their parents arguing or at least a part of it, and then have them come down like you did. You should also have the mother say something - wasn't she also there? You never mentioned her, so I think that might be good. :) But otherwise that was a good scene. I wonder how that will play into the Marauders story?

Okay, next thing I had a little issue with was the big paragraph in which you described Alanna and Eve (great names by the way!). They certainly sound very pretty, but I don't think a whole paragraph is necessary to describe the exact shade of their eyes, or how their hair curls or is straight ... do you know what I mean? The description of Alanna's eyes was absolutely beautiful, but I think you could stick that in somewhere later on, in the middle of dialogue so that readers don't get bored. Something like, her introducing herself to Sirius and having her smile, and THEN describe how her eyes sparkle like the night sky. I hope that makes sense? Also, an 11-year-old would not have a "perfect body" as her figure has not even developed yet. She probably does not have curves yet.

The scene with her visiting her dad was really out of place, I think. I think it's wonderful that they've been corresponding, but when you had her go visit him (why didn't she visit him before), hug him, and then go home ... I just didn't really see the point of that you know? :) Although it might be important later on? I don't know. 

All in all, the flow needed improvement the most but this is a nice, decent beginning so far, and I'm interested to know when Alanna and Sirius start getting together. :) This was a good effort! I hope you won't be offended by my honest comments, but I do like to give out constructive criticism because I care and I want to help. I think this has a lot of potential, and I think with more time, you'll become a good writer. :) Nice job!

Author Response

It's alright that the review took some time, I'm just gad I got it. 
I took your advice and my chapter was edited at about 2:00 today. I took out the part where she visits her father, and also describing the girls. I'm really thankful that you gave criticism! I like it, it makes me better. 

Thank you!

Great review!  I absoulutely loved it!  Keep it up!

Author Response

I'm glad you liked the review and the story. *yay* everyone is really liking this story, I'm so happy that everything is working out!

I liked the first chapter, and one mistake I would just like to point out really quickly is in the last sentence of the second to last paragraph: "They later learnt their names"  I believe it should be learned their names.  Can't wait to read the second chapter!

Author Response

Hello.  I think that your plot and writing have a lot of potential.  I like your OC well enough so far, although we really didnt get much information on her from the first paragraph.  I love the name Alanna, though.  I've loved it ever since I read the Lioness Quartet. :)  Anyway, you did focus more on Alanna than on her relationship with Sirius, which shows you are working on character development.  This is, to me, the most important part about a fanfiction.  The different names for the two girls is extremely confusing at first, as there appears to be at least four or five different girls running around.  You name them Allie, Ashli, Jessica, Eve, and Allana in the first section.  This made it unclear who everyone was.  

Although Sirius wasnt a major part of this, I still am liking your portrayal of him so far.  Too often do you read a marauder fic where Sirius is just...too: proud, cocky, and troublesome.  In this chapter, he seemed sweet and down to earth, which I actually like much better for him.  Not that he wasnt all of those things, he just doenst have to show them all at once, all the time, the way I have read him before.  I'm glad you wrote him this way :)  Alanna is part of the Avery family?  That is interesting!  I'd also like to  know more about her father, mother, and sister.  I assume that you elaborate on all of that in future chapters, so I look forward to reading that!  Another thing I liked were the portaits on the wall telling the children to slow down... haha I thought that was pretty clever ;)  

There were some spelling/grammar mistakes.  I suggest you find a beta for future chapters, if grammar isnt your strong point.  They can help you iron out all of the little problems.  These are the major ones I saw:

"he pointed to the girl's hearts. "In here."--you need two spaces after 'hearts' 

"Although it already was Impossible."--This is a fragmant, and 'impossible' doesnt need to be capitalized

"as a tear made it's way out of his eye" --it's should be its

"Eve, pass me my good silver earrings. Please"-- the period after 'earrings' should be a comma, and 'please' shouldnt be capitalized.

"A deep blue with stars all throughout them."--this is also a fragment, you might want to add it to the previous sentence with a semicolon

"Hello" said Regulus,"--you need a comma after 'Hello'

"She looked around, The living room"--the comma after 'around' should be a period

"Her dad walked into out of the kitchen"--do you mean out of the kitchen?

"Bye don't forget to write"--you need a comma after 'bye'.

"get going the train"  --you need to somehow separate 'get going' from 'the train'

"Alanna" she"--comma after 'Alanna'

"Why I'd love too."--comma after 'why'

"them.Sirius"--need to spaces between words

"inside."Excuse"--spaces needed after 'inside'

"he said putting out his hand."James Potter"-- comma after said, two spaces after 'hand'

"beginning of a Beautiful friendship"--beautiful shouldnt be capitalized.

Your grammar isnt bad, really, you just need to have it edited. :)  Anyway, your story is interesting and complex.  It has a lot of potential, and I'm looking forward to what you do in the next chapters!

~Hannah

Author Response

Thank you so much. I'll get right to fixing up those few mistakes...Yes, I do need to get myself a beta, if you know of anyone willing (and good) let me know. please. 

The reason the names were mixed up was at first I named my characters Ashli and Jessica, because I couldn't think of any fitting names at the time, and I gues when I edited it I didn't catch them all or something. 

I have a very good story ahead of me, I think. Just a few things to sort out.. you know. I've got two chapters up so far and the third I've been looking around for a beta. 

Thank you again, It was really helpful advice and I appreciate it.

-Ashli

Nice work. A couple of things, though, that you should work on. First of all, the spacing was awkward and random. Sometimes there was a margin, while it disappeared in other cases. It was kind of distracting. Secondly, your dialogue was a little bit forced and unbelievable in moments. I would highly suggest speaking it out loud and making sure that someone would actually say it. You seem to be writing what you want to think people would say, rather than what people truly saying in real life. I agree with the review that you should get a beta. There were a load of capitalization errors that stand out and make the story seem sort of childish. There's also a couple misuses of commas and periods. Sometimes you tend to tell, rather than show. There's a great article on Wikipedia on showing vs. telling, so I'd highly recommend that you read that. The letters seemed almost unnecessary, since some of them didn't really reveal much about the plot or the characters, and I would be careful not to overuse that technique. Good luck with your story and I hope this helped! [:

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I really liked the prank, it was very original. So far you have a good plot and have well established the charcters. But you have bunch of spelling mistakes that you need to fix.

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spelling mistakes? PM me about what I should fix. I already went throught both chapters and spaced out things.

Its good so far. I like how you make the story start when they are going to Hogwarts. 
You should put a little more decription for when she goes to her dad's house because the transition from there to the platform is very confusing. 
Other than that everything is fine. Description, dialouge...its all there.

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Space out your paragraphs every time someone new says something. I liked the idea behind the prank but I didn't get it when it happened. It was all a little too rushed. Take your time and put detail behind your ideas.

Author Response

Ok so the story and plot is good, but it's kind of hard to read because of spacing and some grammar. I would suggest a beta, (they help immensely) to help with your story. You should start a new paragraph every time a new person talks. It makes it so much easier for the reader. Other than that, good job so far.

Author Response

hey thanks for the tips, I'll deffinitly use them. and I know it sounds stupid... but whats a beta? =\

hey, i would love to make you a banner, just email me at Flying_high_1@hotmail.com if you want me to make yo one.

Author Response

hey. a while ago you said that you'd like to make me a banner? Is that offer still standing. If your willing to make me one for my new story. Under the Moonlight. e-mail me if you will, and I'll e-mail back the pictures you could use. 

My e-mail is x3missash13@aim.com

Thanks.

i cood try and make u a banner, tho i am only just at the learning stage at getting the grips with it, wood u like me to?

my email adress is Aamibovered@aol.com

Email me if u want one..x byex

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