Harry Potter Fanfiction – Read Over 85,000 Stories!

please continue writing, I LUV UR STORY!

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Awesome story so far, a little sad but still good. Update soon!

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critiques
-you cant really catch cancer... 
-just because she lost blood wouldnt make her light as a feather- there's still bones and body mass (fat)

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you've proved to be rather talented at dialogue (which is an exceptional skill seeing as it is somethig hard to learn- much better if you already have that aprticular talent) but please, comsider longer chapters, you can include more than one scene in each!

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a much better job in my opinion, but you do have to look out for thse fragmented sentances

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so here's the thign i've alwasy enjoyed these types of premises (i.e. ugly lily turns hot) i think that they're really funa dn based off of hat i've seen in this first chap it appears as thoguh you have a lot of potential as a writer

i do ahev to say, however, that there are parts of your writing that arent quite up to par and bring the quality fo your writign dow. take:

There was another thing people knew Lily by. She was rich. And not your average rich, but mega, mega rich. Her family lived in the Netherlands in an enormous mansion. 

In the will, he left all his belongs to Lily. Lily was now the richest girl in world.

you are capable of so much mroe than these super simple, practiacally fragmented sentances

Author Response

Can I make a few suggestions? 

Please don't put author's notes in the middle of chapters, it breaks up the flow and makes the story seem choppy, to me at least.  If you must explain things as you go along, maybe you could put stars (*) next to the item in question and have a corresponding star (*) at the end explaining the problem.  Or, better yet, rewrite what was a possible problem with something that doesn't need explaining.  

Also, do you have any idea what 7 bottles of vodka will do to the human body? Just one bottle of vodka can make a person seriously impaired.  If Lily had drunk a whole bottle of vodka (the half-gallon kind) she could have been died, or not so dramatic, at least lost in a coma.  A half-gallon bottle contains, on average, 21 shots.  Each shot  contains about the same amount of alcohol as a bottle of bear (5%), so she would not have been able to dance after drinking 7 bottles.  

I realize this is a fan fiction and therefore clearly unrealistic, but please, don't be ridiculous! 

I think this review is long enough, and I don't mean to be, well, mean...lol, I like the concept of your fic, maybe not so much your style of writing. but I like the plot enough to keep reading, even if it can get irritating...

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This is quite a different, yet awesome James/Lily fic. I really like it. I can't wait to read what Lily's reaction will be in the morning!

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I. finally. finished. it! *pants* it. was. so.long. But it was really good!Bwahhaa! don't ask. 

~Frankie~

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my hand hurts from holding up the phone for the past HOUR!!

GREAT, Sad but awesome keep it up!

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YES.you updated atlast...i've been waiting for so long very long.and all i can say is.BRILLIANT.10/10

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short but was sophia the chic?

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well there's sofia and then there's Alana whose in the 6th chapter, if you've read that 1

intresting but whos the chic?

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You said it was getting less depressive?  this doesn't sound very cheerful.

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i know but it will, in the next chapter. Thanx for the review!

Hm?! What's with the cliff hangers?! They drive me NUTS (in a good way).

This chapter was pretty good. 9/10!

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thanks. i know, cliffhangers drive everyone crazy but that's what gives the story its spark. it keeps you wanting to read more and not stop. but hang in there cause its gonna get even better.

Wow! What's wrong!? You need to update! This is a really good chapter!!!

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WOW

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i know! i still cant believe that i wrote it!

wow. harsh story. and it's only three chapters in! 10/10

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Up...date.NOW!

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Love the cliffhanger, I like the idea, it's kinda like one of the ones I had but deleted (will be back though) Anyways I saw I was on your fav list, so as I check out all of the people who add me stories i came along and read yours and I liek it.

I am really into the whole lily having a bad life thing, it isn't because i don't like her but because thats just how I see her, having a nasty life but being rescued by James, but yeah.

Your writing is good, double check your spelling though, missing just a couple of letters here and there. Though I'm not one to talk and know how easy it is to miss a letter. 

But great work, it's going on my favs. 

Jesi xx

ps. Thanks for adding me to your favs!

Author Response

Thanx for the advice. Though, I'm not surprised, I make a lot of mistakes. Hey, who doesn't? No one's perfect.

I'm actually already thinking about the sequel. Kinda weird, i know. But what can I say? I'm weird and proud of it.

I love your stories. You're a great writer too, you know? Lost is my favorite story.

Thanks for putting it in your favs.

Ginny

p.s.: You're welcome
p.p.s: I know this is sorta a personal ?, but how old are you, exactly? To make it fair, I'm 11, turning 12.

p.p.p.s: ginny is really my name, I didn't make it up.

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