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I LOVE that you decided to write a piece with different setting around the world. I know it's just my thing, but I'm always thinking, there are wizards all over the globe, action should happen in these places as well.
On the other hand, I think you could still work on presenting these places better. For example your closing scene in Argentina, doesn't tell us anything about Argentina. My suggestion would be to add mention of something typical like drinking mate (from my experience visiting the Patagonian desert, everyone is drinking mate - that's kind of a social thing), they would probably see it from the locals, they might even try it - is there someone from Argentine in their tribune? (he/she would offer them mate), they could comment on how much they like this friendly gesture that people share their mate among each other, or how disgustingly bitter it tastes, or how hot they drink it, and it burns one's tongue, among the Quidditch souvenirs, they would probably sell a mate cup with the world cup logo, etc.
The same goes for Romania and Transylvania. Although you do have Dracula there which is nice! But Transylvania (unfortunately) would be a place for the local Romanians and Hungarians constantly engaging in cultural fights. I suspect local people would work at the dragon reserve and share this bad habit with Muggles. So why not make everything happen on or shortly after a national holiday that would heat up emotions? Or bring up Trianon at a dinner table, that would be so typical to fight over…?
About Cairo I don't know, as I've never been to Egypt. But here I think you have some of the details I was missing from the other parts. Like Luna having to wear a hijab. Or commenting on Western style clothing being acceptable.

There are many details that I like in your writing. Rolf being nine years older than Luna, and worrying about her fiance being the same age as the little sister of his friend. (And you made me do my homework with inserting "At thirty-six, in 2008" ;-)) Also this explains why we don't know of him in the original books, he had graduated by the time Harry goes to Hogwarts.
I also think that the opening is perfect "Rolf, the Brazilian Englishman […] was a Scamander". However, it kept my wondering why he was Brazilian? That's a detail you are free to invent as it's not covered by JKR, but that somehow just doesn't seem to fit for me. (It makes sense at the end, as they go to the Quidditch world cup, and Brazil is playing the finale, but not until that point... and still at that point it feels a little forced.)

I also enjoyed the mystery you have in there. "Something had happened to old Newt Scamander somewhere in the time lapse when he raised his son and grandson." This has two important pieces of information: (1) that something happened to Newt, and (2) that he raised his grandson - so something must have happened to rolf's parents.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this, thank you for the request! And I hope you will consider exploiting better the fact that your story takes place at different countries.

Author Response

Sorry ave enI have not responded.  Work is crazy.  You are right that I should have put aspects of the culture.  And interwoven that - I'll keep that in mind.  Thanks for the review.

Hi :) Here from ff.net blue vs bronze

I was very much intrigued by this story, and I love that you decided to write about Marlene McKinnon, although I could not figure out who's POV it was until you said it at the end. That might have been your intention, but it kept me confused throughout the whole story.

The descriptive language you use is beautiful, although a little bit too complex to me (several times I had to re-read a sentence to make some sense out of it - but native English readers might not have that problem ;)).

Also introducing that Marlene knows about what Regulus was really doing is an idea I liked.

Overall you have so much subtle thing in so few words, I was truly impressed by the story - even if I'm not sure I fully understand it after the second read either :)

Author Response

Thank you so much! My writing style is very choppy, especially in this one-shot, so I completely understand why it was difficult to understand! I'm sorry to hear that but am happy to hear that you enjoyed the rest. I am so interested in Regulus as a character, so I couldn't resist sneaking him in there.

Thank you for your review!
blackballet

I will have to start with two 'sorry's. (1)  I really, really am sorry for taking so long to come here with you requested review (nothing to excuse me...), and (2) I'm sorry I did not leave separate reviews for the two chapters, but the way you ended the first chapter made me so much want to read the second, that I was unable to stop myself to gather my thoughts, I had to read on.

So very well done for that, those few seconds while the next chapter was loading I was truly wondering who might have cast that Obliviate spell - and honestly my first idea was that it would be Audrey, that this is how she wanted to help Percy ease the pain.

I was so happy to see this twist, because until this point I was thinking that the story did not have much in it (I mean compared to your other stories, you know I'm a big fan of your work, so my expectations were high ;-)). You do have some good text in there, I like very much how Audrey thinks through what to say about the loss of Fred. I also think it is a great idea that you made Audrey be Penelope's sister, it's funny that you say that's just because you couldn't come up with a family name you liked (yes I tend to read the reviews and answers to a story as well... :)), but for me that was one of the best ideas in there, and as I'm nor aware of the maiden name of Percy's wife, I can totally accept that.

The fact that Audrey and Percy had known each other before the battle (so that they got together during the time when Percy was not talking to his family) is something I've never given a thought, but it sounds reasonable. And it is a nice touch that Percy had been talking to Audrey about his family (so much that she recognized Bill).

I did not think that this was much of a romance piece, it is about the relationship between Audrey and Percy, but it has a lot of action and it certainly has a lot of depth apart from the blind love of Audrey, so better for me :). Actually I can see why you are not happy with this, but why you still published it. The idea of the story is great, but somehow as written now it is just too much like a fairy tale (that Audrey will wait no matter how long, that she didn't mind, that it was worth it...). I don't think I can offer any specific advice here, but probably if you let the story rest and re-read it after some time you will find a way to improve it.

In general the pace is good, the conversation feels real, so this is a decent story, I'm glad I've read it! (and I hope I did not sound too harsh - I do think that this is a good story)

Author Response

Vilja! You don't need to apologise, I'm fine with any review ;)

Hmm...Audrey could have cast the spell, now that I think about it. I suppose it's nice to leave the reader hanging every now and then? (By that, I really mean all the time :P)

Aw, thank you for your lovely comment about my works, I'm so touched :3 I know this isn't exactly my BEST work, but I'm still glad you liked the twist and Audrey being Penelope's sister. It works for some people, it doesn't for others, but I think it's nice if we have some sense of what family Audrey is from, and Clearwater is a reasonably well known name in the series :)

Yep, better for you, definitely! It's interesting how you described it as blind love, because as far as I know, no one else has thought of it that way. I like to think she could see past his obnoxiousness and bring out the good in him, but I agree that it could easily be interpreted as blind love- especially since he's all she seems to be thinking about! :P As for the ending, I might just leave it for now. I honestly tried to improve it and it ended with Audrey losing her will to live and dying in the Battle...and I'd rather not make this story even more depressing- for now ;)

Don't worry, you weren't harsh at all! Your review was very helpful, thank you :D

Hi :) here I am to re-review (or better to review another chapter ;-))

Tantrum and fake tears - so realistic, hehe :)

I like the sudden change when they are attacked, I think it is much less 'forced' that in the first chapter when the little girl gets lost. It reads great here, that they are bothered by the press, and then suddenly they have something more severe to be bothered about. Also Patti becoming hysterical is great, I can totally imagine it, that she cannot control her emotions in a moment like this.

Harry appearing in the story suddenly, feels to me just like when Malfoy appeared in the first chapter - it seems a little bit forced, but as you said there, it's probably not just introducing one of the main characters, so I'm waiting to find out it's significance :) In fact the scene where he and Teddy get gifts already gives some meaning to Harry's appearance. And also I see you end the chapter with Harry being emotional, that fits to the story.

I like very much the description of Kaspar treating Kingsley's wound. I think you got that perfect. They way he works, the way he talks about small things - I can totally imagine that he wants Kingsley distracted and this talking nonsense is just about that, and yet he says important little things.

Oh, and Sirius Black comes into the picture. I'm so intrigued by this part! I was looking for the line "innocent until proven guilty" but could not find it in any book. Is this something that actually happened (I mean in canon) or was this your invention? It would be so good to know more about this, how this came to the story, how she remembered precisely that.

It's also interesting the way you talk about religion. We practically know nothing about religion in the HP books. There is a surprising lack of common Christian names such as John and Mary (although an exception is the middle name of Remus Lupin, but he and other exceptions are muggle-born or have at least one muggle parent). But they celebrate Christian fests such as Christmas, although we never hear of anyone going to the church, and e.g. the wedding of Bill and Fleur is also not in a church (I would imagine that if some wizarding families are religious, the Wesleys would be that). But JKR hinted on twitter that all religions are represented in Hogwarts, so this could mean that there are religious wizards. But I always imagined that Muggle religion and wizard religion are separate (even if both are Christian for example), as wizards tend to be so separated from Muggles - e.g. this is the reason, as stated by JKR, why wizards cannot keep a track of Muggle clothing fashion. Anyway, you again made me think of this issue, and what I'm writing are just personal thoughts, fanfiction does not even have to comply with canon :)

I enjoyed this chapter too, thanks for the re-request :) I will take a break now, but will probably continue then to the next chapter as well.

Author Response

Yeah, this gets lengthy and rather involved.  I've walked away from it at the moment, too.  Or maybe I've finished it?  I don't know. 


There is actually a line in Prisoner of Azkaban (and if they didn't put this in the movie, shame on them) where Professor Dumbledore decides the notion of "innocent until proven guilty".  I think in that case, he's actually referring to Remus?  But the same.  He says that.  


I am not a religious person.  I do not aim to be religious, but don't know, Kingsley popped into my head as a Catholic.  So I wrote him that way.  It's interesting that you would argue they would be separate.  There is nothing inherently magical about religion; I see them practicing it together without the Muggles aware of it or caring.  What do I know?  

Intersting thought. 

I don't insert, or rather, I try not to name drop in my own writing because I hate that the connections might seem  forced.  There is  a reason that I would insert or not insert a Harry Potter or a Draco Malfoy in my nieces.  Harry is actually inserted or appears - I should say appears - in every chapter of this fic.  I'm still cleaning it up.  

Thank you for the review
.

Hi :) Here with your review - thanks for requesting. I will definitely read further to the next chapter, and I think that already says that I liked this one. Nothing cathartic, nothing much extraordinary - but overall a decent story that flaws well and that one can like.

I couldn't get this part:
would a man die of starvation or thirst first?
Starvation
There is water in food
What did you mean with this? Maybe it's just me, but this was strange and couldn't figure out the meaning. I get that it should be something about twisting the fact that one can live more without food than water so that would make thirst the answer (if you get no food and no water), but then if you get food you don't die of thirst as there is water in the food (but then again you don't die of starvation either, as you have the food...) I know it's just a detail, I'm merely curious about the riddle

You mention a lunch with the Minister for muggles and then say quite a few things about him, I wonder why you didn't write anything characteristic of Tony Blair. Not that he needs to be in your story, but I think if you decide to tie to the muggle world you can use it to give credibility to your story by giving hints of what we know to be real about the PM in May 1998.

I like that we get a glimpse into Kingsley's private life. He is an important character as Minister for magic, yet his era is kind of skipped and we can't really get to know him in Rowling's work.

The middle part (when they punch each other at the start of training) seems a little too long to me. That would usually not be a problem (and it might be important later on), but since your chapter is anyway quite long, I thought you might consider shortening this part. I mean, as this is a multi-chaptered fic, it's hard for me to say if this will have importance later, but for now it seemed too long for me.

What I think was really great is how you tie your story into canon despite the fact that practically nothing is known about the time this story takes place. My favourite is Kingsley getting Remus' suitcase. It is a perfect mention for Potterwatch (and it's great that it appeared also earlier when McGonagall quoted it) and to credit a deceased member of the Order of Phoenix (Lupin of course). To me this suitcase is a symbol of Lupin as this is the first thing we see of him when he travels onboard the Hogwarts express in PA.

There are so many details that leave me intrigued. Kingsely reading the Quibbler for example. It just makes me wonder how this journal turned out to be after the war. It had an important role in exposing Harry's story when noone else did, but then it gave in to the Voldemort regime. And we all remember it not to be a very reliable source before. So how is it now? I'm hoping to get an answer at some point later on.

Rachelle disappearing caught me by surprise, it was kind of a weird change in the story, and from this moment on it's like a completely different tale. I also liked some parts of this, for example at the very beginning when we see how Kingley hold a dying girl that is very powerful. I'm not sure if Draco Malfoy returning the girl was a good choice. To me it seemed more like forcing another major HP character into this chapter. But then again, this might be important in later chapters.

Overall, as I said, I want to keep reading :)

Author Response

Interesting.   The riddle.  I meant for that to be a double edged sword depending on how one got out of the problem.   I cannot believe you caught that.  I threw off my beta, and then I asked her to read it.   I've never gotten an "Oh!" from her before.  The point is that Kingsley needed to find a starting point.  No matter which point he started it affected other places or departments.  A domino effect. 


I appreciate that you like that small details.  The boxing scene is long; thos chapter itself is too long.  It shall be edited. The mood of the story did change. 

 I did not choose Draco Malfoy simply as a name drop.  Here's the thing. Draco changes as a man for Cursed Child.  I would argue Malfoy changes in the sixth book.  I wanted to show that and Draco does appear as an alchemist later on.  Draco is not a bad man; he was a aheltered child who knew nothing about nothing.   Again, that's an opinion He was an arrogant mouthpiece for his arrogant, ignorant, hateful father.  

Glad you enjoyed it. 

Thanks for the review. LSC

So you have a Chiara in there :) I'm wondering if it's you in the story, or just a coincidence in the choice of names

It's been a while since I read Romeo and Juliet so my memories are quite blurry, but the scene you describe somehow does not fit with my interpretation. I mean, it's a great idea the these characters are magical, I think noone else has though of that before, and why not, it's just that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with them dying in a different way that I originally read. But the idea that Romeo is a warewolf is really original, I liked it.

I'm sorry I can't be more enthusiastic about it (you know I'm not a romance reader) - I know it's 'just' first chapter and more is to come, but for the second part it seemed to me that pretty much all the girls talked about has already been said elsewhere. The Lily hating James, the Snape willing to talk to Lily, etc. It's nice to stick to canon, but I missed the added value. (Again sorry, I know that's not quite helpful...)

I'm tempted to think that the Verona scene will be connected to everything else later on, this would be great! A few hints are the Italian family (Chiara and her parents) in England.

My first idea while reading the Romeo and Juliet part was that it would be a "history repeating itself" kind of thing, and that in the second half we would see the same or a parallel story some hundreds years later, and there the werewolf (Romeo) would be Lupin and Chiara would be Juliet. Obviously I was wrong. I'm just telling you this, as my expectation being violated might be a reason while I did not like this story as much as it would deserve it.

Anyway (and to end with something positive :)) the story flaws well, I could easily follow it, and the girls chatting on the train (and having trouble getting out of bed) all sounded very realistic.

Author Response

Hi, Vilja. 
I'm sorry this wasn't exactly in your chords, but you warned me, so...

I couldn't resist to name her Chiara, it was my way to pretend to be a part of the Marauders' world, plus I like the name :P But she's actually very different from me.

This "Romeo and Juliet" is obviously not the original story. More it's explained in later chapters, but the idea behind this is that this was the true story that Shakespeare then retold and changed. I'm glad you liked the idea of them being magical, though.

The first part will obviously connect to what comes next, just not yet. And your idea of a story repetition with Remus and Chiara in the roles of Romeo and Juliet is not so distant from what the story line is. Obviously, this is only an introductory chapter, so I just wanted to introduce Chiara and her friends in a daily situation.

I'm glad you liked the style, if not necessary the content, and that you found the scene realistic. Thank you for reading and reviewing.

Love,
Chiara

Hi :) I'm a big Remus fan myself, so I could totally get Jolie's perspective. Also it seems so realistic that a female student would have a crush on Professor Lupin. Besides, I liked that you mixed her idealistic views (the charming smile, the kind, the omnipotent) with the tragedy of his character. However, while you made it perfectly with Jolie's fangirl thoughts, the darker sided did not seem so realistic. I'm sorry I can't really be helpful on this, but somehow when he talks about being bitten or not taking the potion... it just doesn't feel like Remus Lupin. Perhaps it' because you ignore little hints that Rowling gave away on Pottermore (e.g. "Shortly before Remus Lupin’s fifth birthday, as he slept peacefully in his bed, Fenrir Greyback forced open the boy’s window and attacked him."). You say "I was about ten years old when I was bitten" this sounds as if he wouldn't remember the exact date, and I doubt that - ok, it wasn't his birthday, but he could e.g. say "shortly before" just as Rowling does. But Remus giving piano lessons to muggles, that's great! I really can see that. Oh, and a question: how did he find out about Jolie's feelings? It wasn't clear for me... was the giggle enough to give it away, or did he use legilimency? Because that's it, right? When you say "I'm going to pretend the last few seconds didn't happen." it's that he found out? Anyway thanks for writing this, overall it was an enjoyable piece, I hope you have time to reply, I'd be curious.

Author Response

Hi - I'm here from ff.net review swap

It's so great to get a Slytherin's point of view on this matter. This is so much missing from the original books, although we do see some 'good' Slytherins, not many.

The story was a good read, interesting all the way along. Also I liked how the dark thoughts on petrified students were mixed with everyday problems like a Potions essay.

The idea that there is a student who thinks is friend with Tom Riddle and that she starts worrying and then relizes... so "this" is a very interesting concept. I was first going to say that for me it did not sound very real, but I'm reconsidering now. After all Tom was a boy most people liked, why could he not have people thinking are friends with him. The one thing I'm not sure, is why he only took the memories of Olive. He had no problem killing people, and for sure he had no friends, he had most probably no feelings for her. And obliviating is not the safest option, as one can still have accessible memories. Or was he so arrogant not to think that anyone will get the idea to question this girl precisely?

Anyway I'm glad I found this story :)

Author Response

Hello! I'm so glad you found this story interesting- background stories always intrigue me :)

Hmm...Tom could definitely have killed Olive, but that may have been a bit extreme. I suppose Obliviating just have seemed like a safer option, and I admit that I don't know anything about memories being accessible. But we all know Tom was extremely arrogant so he may have just assumed everyone would be too stupid to question Olive ;)

Anyway, thank you so much for the swap- hopefully it won't be out last! :D

Hi, I have just found this one-shot and wanted to tell you that I liked it! Then I looked up your profile for other stories and found that you wrote two really great reviews! Now I know this is not the place, but I can't review a review, so I just wanted to let you know that those were the most in-depth and helpful reviews I ever found, the authors of the reviewed stories must be really grateful. I wish I could give you such a great advice for this story, but I'm just an amateur, so all I know is that the story is great, but can't say why. (Will continue reading your stuff for sure!)

Author Response

Hi 

Yeah I actually went back trying to find what I had reviewed of yours and found that I had misread your comment.  My fault.  (One moment.  The cat needs to get off the keyboard.)  I'm glad that you like my reviewing style.  I studied writing in university and my personal belief is you think while writing so why not jot the stuff in your head down?  But thank you.  That takes a minute to draft.  I will be with you in a moment to grab your story.  Rectify my mistake, as it were.  Thanks for the review.

Hi thanks for posting this! I was wondering why you deviated in some aspects from how Lily's last moments were described in Deathly Hallows (Chapter 7 - Bathilda's secret).
In your story the murder seems to take place in the afternoon, while in the book it sais "night wet and windy"
Also there is info on what they were doing (instead of James tossing Harry in the air): "the tall black-haired man in his glasses, making puffs of colored smoke erupt from his wand for the amusement of the small black-haired boy in his blue pajamas. The child was laughing and trying to catch the smoke, to grab it in his small fist. A door opened and the mother entered, saying words he could not hear, her long dark-red hair falling over her face. Now the father scooped up the son and handed him to the mother. He threw his wand down upon the sofa and stretched, yawning."
And then: "her attempts to barricade herself in" (whereas you say: I ran up the stairs and shut the door to the bedroom.  I didn’t bother to lock it)
Of course it's fanfiction, so you can deviate from canon, it's just that I would be curious to know why you did it in these particular points :)

Author Response

Hi dova113, I wasn't sure if I should leave a review (it's not that I find the story bad - in fact it is quite good, as also pointed our by previous reviews - but not my personal favourite). But then I saw that you were not native English, and I said wow! I wouldn't tell that - I know you don't want everyone telling you about your English skills, but the story, so I will say that I liked the idea of Albus meeting the portrait of Dumbledore and Snape (but with the Cruished Child out, I think it's best to leave this as a one-shot). I didn't quite undrstand at the beginning why there was blood on the floor - it was hard for me to imagine that scene, but other than that everything was perfectly understandable. If you have a moment can you maybe comment on why you decided to depict ASP as a Gryffindor? (I know there is an alternative timeline in CC canon when Albus is not in Slytherin, but Gryffindor - I'm just wondering if you choose this timeline on purpose and if it has any meaning.)

Author Response

Now, this was great! Thanks for writing it, I really liked reading :) It's great that you write about Lucy, she is a cannon character that is only mentioned, but we know nothing about her. Congratulations on the Dobby nominations btw! ;-)

Author Response

Hi, I've just resd this now that it's on the list for Dobby nominations - congratulations by the way! And I really like it! I can't tell you much about why, I just read it... and well it will go to my favourites! Thank you for writing this, I really enjoyed!

Author Response

Hi!  Aw, thank you so much for stopping by to read this story!  I really wasn't expecting any nominations at all and so it was a lovely surprise, and even more lovely to know that people are reading it and enjoying it.  Thank you for your review!

Thanks for the story! Can I ask why you assume that Ron would be an auror? I've seen it in other places as well, so it's probably just me missing something - but wasn't Ron helping out George in Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes shop? (That's not a critique to your story, I'd just love to know ;-))

Author Response

When you lookup Ron's life it says that he was an Auror for a few years before stopping and then going to help George at the shop! Well that was from the site I used anyway, it could have been wrong. Thank you for leaving me a review!  Xx

Hi, I've just read this - congratulations on the Dobby nomination (that's how I found you ;-)) I thought it was a great idea to connect the quote about Felix felicitis and how Hermione watches Ron mowning grass - to my taste the story is a bit simple - but I still find it cute; good luck with the Dobby!

Author Response

Thank you for reviewing and for the congrats :)

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