I don't usually read pairings that aren't canon but I saw your story in the featured stories list and thought I'd come and have a look. I'm really enjoying it!
I think you've written Draco very convincingly, which I like. One of the things that puts me off Draco/Ginny or Dramione is that I think people often just completely forget all the bad things Draco's done. You haven't done that. Instead of ignoring his past, you've shown how he's learnt from it and grown as a character.
Although Draco and Ginny's relationship has perhaps moved a little bit quickly given their prior feelings for each other, I think you've done a good job explaining how they've got there. They seem very sweet together and their feelings seem very genuine.
I'm intrigued by Blaise. I kind of hope he's got some kind of deep secret that's making him be so supportive (maybe his own hidden relationship? Or a relative who's secretly in the Order?). I love reading about friendships like this, where they don't have to talk about how close they are but will risk a lot to protect each other.
Great work! I'm looking forward to reading more xx
Author's Response: IÃƒÂ¢Ã‚Â€Ã‚Â™m so glad you took a chance on my story! ItÃƒÂ¢Ã‚Â€Ã‚Â™s such a huge honor to be a promoted author.
IÃƒÂ¢Ã‚Â€Ã‚Â™m glad youÃƒÂ¢Ã‚Â€Ã‚Â™re enjoying the story so far. IÃƒÂ¢Ã‚Â€Ã‚Â™ve tried very hard to make it believable and to follow the books as much as possible.
Blaise is definitely intriguing, but I kind of love him. Haha! I think he is a bit unexpected and we donÃ¢Â€Â™t really know much about his character from the books, so there IÃ‚Â™s a lot of room to explore.
Thank you again for reading and reviewing! I love you for it.
I love this chapter. Jack's such a wonderful character and you've already given him so much depth, but seeing him here with the people he grew up with just increases that complexity and warmth inside him. I love that he has these people who are part of his history and who still care about him even though they know he's not being honest with him. And I think it goes some way to explaining just how much he resents the wizarding world - Hogwarts has given him a home but it's taken him away from these people he feels safe with.
I also like how strong you've made Lily. She probably is overreacting a little bit to go rushing off into London by herself when she doesn't really understand where she's going or know anything about the area, but she shows such genuine love for Jack and it's such a poignant moment when she insists that she's going to help him. He clearly doesn't expect her to stay, even though he should know by now that their friendship is something special, and it must mean a lot to him to have his two worlds join up like this.
Also I loved Lily using her Monopoly knowledge to understand London.
Wonderful chapter - I look forward to whatever comes next xx
Yay there's more! B I loved this so much. I like that Finn's softening a bit but just feels so confused by this feelings. And Brindlay's kind of oblivious to his conflict, or if she notices it she chooses to act like everything's normal.
I feel like this chapter's a bit of a turning point in the plot. Brindlay's finally properly connected to the rest of Finn's life, albeit in a way that puts her in a lot of danger. I'm interested to see how Finn handles his new understanding of who she is. I think he will try to protect her, but I don't know if he's strong enough yet to fully go against what his family and Tom want. I'm looking forward to seeing how this develops.
Brindlay's illness is still concerning. I'm worried that she's actually dying. Her line about taking it one day at a time made it sound very serious. She's so full of energy and is so sweet I hope she's going to be okay. And I think it would break Finn if something happened to her.
That moment when Tom noticed Finn making to run to her side when she collapsed was a bit sinister. I have a feeling he won't forget that any time soon.
There was so much about this that I loved. I'm glad you're back!
Also I'm aware that I need to reply to your message - have somehow been super busy and lacking in priorities so I will sort that out!
Author's Response: Thank you so much, E. it's always so wonderful to hear from you!
Meg! I can't believe I haven't read this before because it's so many things that I love. I'm so impressed by stories that only use dialogue, and Scorbus are my favourites, and eee it's just so cute and well written and well done you!
I'm really impressed by the way you've given them each their own voice, and their character comes through in the way that they speak. And the dot dot dots for kisses were adorable.
I want to see you write more of these two! You do it brilliantly.
Hope everything's going well for you in real life. Let's catch up properly soon :)
OH HAIII. So, I read all five chapters at once when I should have been to sleep, and I love it. But I knew I'd love it so that wasn't really a surprise. And now it's reviewing time :)
I adore Finn. I loved him in Hero and now I love him even more. He's still a little cold, but seeing his POV explains that. He's not cruel and he does care, but he seems sort of distant from what's going on around him. Like, he has this really rich internal monologue but it doesn't often link into the way he behaves. I like it.
And I miss Hero! But I think Finn's grown more interesting in her absence. I'm not really surprised by Tom's nerve in acting like nothing's changed between him and Finn, but it's still heartbreaking. She really did just die for nothing. When I read 'Hero' I thought that Tom did care about her, at least a little bit, but now I think he was only ever using her to get more involved with her family.
Big fan of McCroy. I'm worried that she's dying and I think that would break Finn. Please just let them fall in love and live happily ever after (who am I kidding, this is you writing haha).
Oh B I love this so much. Can't wait for your next update!
Will be back to review Ch2 asap :)
Author's Response: HAAAIII E
Oh my goodness that is so amazing to hear. You are so lovely ♥ I'm so glad you like it, I was so excited to see what you think and now that I know I'm just *squee!*
Lo! I somehow managed to forget that I'd already reviewed chapter 1 of this wonderful story so sorry about that, but I'm here for chapter 2!
Oo I love this story. Your Molly is such a mixture of different things and it's brilliant. She's obviously a risk taker and a little bit mad, but then at the same time she's reserved at points and feels uncomfortable in certain situations. And then she obviously doesn't reveal that to other people because she seems to get on so well with everyone else. I'm looking forward to seeing how she develops.
Juliette seems lovely. I'm glad that Molly has such a strong friendship so quickly.
There were quite a lot of names going on in this chapter and I found it a bit tricky to keep track of them all, but I'm very impressed by how well you've developed all your characters so quickly. I think that something's going to happen between Molly and Reid, but at the same time I kind of hope it doesn't because I like him lots just as a friendly character. And I want Cedric moments.
I'm really excited about this story. I haven't read much about Molly and everything you've done here is really original and exciting.
Looking forward to coming back for chapter 3!
Hi! I'm here from review tag. I'm excited about this story because it doesn't seem like anything I've read before. Writing this review as I read so hope it makes sense...
I like that you've started in Voldemort's POV. I don't know whether you're going to stick with him or not but at the moment it feels like a very original opening. And I feel like your writing style matches the character you're writing from, so you sound quite detached and distant and it's very effective.
It's really heartbreaking how Voldemort tries to turn Draco against his father. I think it fits quite well into the image of Lucius and Narcissa searching for Draco in the battle of Hogwarts instead of fighting. They care so much about his wellbeing and about what he thinks of them. By showing Draco his father's weaknesses, Voldemort is punishing Lucius.
And then Voldemort praising Draco feels horribly sinister. Draco has been raised to value Voldemort's admiration but as readers we can see how wrong it is. He's being manipulated into completing a task he doesn't understand.
Fantastic first chapter! I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next :)
Author's Response: Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say it won't be like anything you've ever read before because there are definitely a few familiar tropes and clichÃƒÂ©s running rampant in this story. Hopefully, though, if I'm lucky, they will come across as a fresh take!
This is still my favorite part of the story because it took a lot to climb into Voldemort's head and not come out a raving psychopath. I was really nervous about it, but a lot of people approve, so I feel like I've done my job.
Thank you for starting this story- it is my baby. I hope to see you around again and I hope you like what comes next!
Oo I'm really excited about this story. I love revolution/rebellion stories and I've never seen one about goblins. It's such an original, creative idea and I'm really intrigued to see where you take it.
ALSO I know we haven't seen much of them so far but I really like Theo and Riya. I'm glad they've managed to maintain a normal friendship in such horrid circumstances, and I like how easy they find it to spend time together. I have an ominous feeling that they're going to get separated but I guess I'll wait and see...
Wonderful first chapter - I'm looking forward to your next update! Emma xx
Author's Response: I'm so glad you feel that way! I haven't seen one about goblins either so I'm pretty excited to write it!
Theo and Riya have a bit of a weird best friendship, but they still seem to get each other pretty well considering the circumstances!
Thank you so much for the marvelous review! It seriously motivates me so much!
Hi! I came to have a look at your stories after all your lovely reviews.
I enjoyed the way you wrote the Wotters - I think Fred's a sweetie and I like how Rose tries to have them under control but doesn't quite manage.
I wasn't sure how old Becky is? I don't know if I missed that somewhere. I'm guessing she's in James's year? Is Fred in the same year?
The idea of them prowling the corridors in the invisibility cloak and stealing a cupcake from somebody they don't even know made me smile.
Thanks again for all your lovely comments on 'Complicated' - do let me know if you ever want to review swap on anything else :)
Author's Response: aww thanks for coming and giving me a review , I really appreciate it
Becky, James and Freddie are all in 6th year, thanks for bringing that up i'd probs finish the whole story and never write that
when I first started writing it, I decided that I wanted them all to be slightly "special" characters, so I just wrote what I thought counted as craziness but believable craziness
i will always be happy to do a review swap- i love reviewing and find reviews really inspirational
from me xx
Came to visit some more of your wonderful writing and this was beautiful. I don't write Al and Scorpius but the more I read them the more I'm tempted.
I love your Scorpius. He's just the right amount of nervous. And Al obviously cares about him so much already. They felt very real here and their relationship is very genuine. And I like that Scorpius, while nervous, trusts Albus enough to show how he feels.
Lovely writing as always.
Author's Response: Ooh so nice to see you over here! Thank you for checking out this story!
First attempt at any next gen whatsoever, so I'm glad you liked them! Thanks E ♥
Oh my goodness Bianca this is so mad! I didn't see that coming at all and it was absolutely the right ending to the story but oh no poor Hero and poor Noah and poor Finn because he's going to be so sad!
Beautiful writing as always. I enjoyed Darcy a lot, and her back story is devastating but adds everything to the story. I think that was the only way Hero was going to understand who Tom really was.
I'm intrigued by Hero's family. They really do seem to love her and Finn and just think Grindelwald's doing the right thing. They don't seem evil but they clearly don't care about the way their actions will affect people. I'm looking forward to seeing a bit more of them in Finn's story.
I'm so excited to see where you take this next. I think Finn will know that Tom had something to do with his sister's death but then I don't know if he's strong enough to break up their friendship, especially when he understands how dangerous Tom is.
The only think I wasn't quite sure about was the befuddlement draft. Hero hasn't really seemed confused during the earlier chapters so I would have liked a little more explanation of why Tom bothered with it and what exactly the effect of it was.
This is such a fantastic story B I've enjoyed reading so much!
Author's Response: Hey Em!
Thank you so so so much for reading right up until the end, your support and Finn-love have been very appreciated and I've loved every moment I hear from you. Thank you ♥
B! I read this chapter earlier and then just came back to review and saw that you've put the next one up! I can't deal with the forums being down it means I miss all my updates.
I'm super excited to read on but I wanted to let you know all my thoughts on this first so I'm holding back.
I'm so intrigued to find out what happened to Briony. I just don't think there's any way it was an allergy or, if it was, I don't think it was an accident. I'm fairly sure it's Tom's fault somehow but that's just because I don't like him and he's getting creepier.
BUT that whole saga meant Finn got a chance to be all brotherly and adorable which I LOVE because he's my favourite. I really hope you write that story about him. Offer to beta still stands. Anyway I thought him holding Hero's hand was really sweet because it's not their usual relationship but it came very naturally to him. I think at some point in this story they'll have a big heart to heart and I can't wait.
Tom is now fully emotionally abusive but I'm not sure how Hero's going to extricate herself from their relationship. He's managed to manipulate her into feeling like she needs him and once she blocked Theo out she didn't have anyone who realised that it was unhealthy. I'm assuming Tom's somehow responsible for Emory finding out about Theo as well. He doesn't want Hero spending time with her old friends and alienating Emory like that would be a way to get her where he wants her. Ew he's so creepy.
Absolutely gutted about Morgan. I thought it would happen at some point but I really enjoy his scenes so I was hoping we'd get a few more chapters with him.
And your Dumbledore is spot on, which doesn't surprise me because YOU'RE the one writing him and your writing is consistently wonderful.
Lots of love, E xx
Author's Response: Hey E!
I miss the forums too :( But once they're up again I'd love to talk to you about the next story, it's definitely going ahead! I love that he's your favourite, he's mine too. Thank you ♥
Yeah, Tom is slowly cutting Hero off from everybody, but of course she can't see it! (Yet...)
Thank you so much E, can't wait to speak to you again soon! ♥
B! I just caught up and ooo as always this was so so good.
I'm so sad the chapter ended there, because you know how hopeful I am for some redeeming traits in Finn, and the fact he's there for his sister makes me think he might get some nice moments soon.
Tom's getting increasingly sinister, and his treatment of Hero is now starting to be abusive. I hope she doesn't push away her firends and her support network because I think she's going to need them soon.
Emory's anger is justified. Hero should take some time to talk to her but I kind of don't think that's very likely. She's too preoccupied with everything else going on. Emory only seems to feature in her thoughts when she's right in front of her.
And then it's sad to see that Hero and Theo are growing increasingly distant, but that was probably to be expected.
I don't know what to make of that ending! I have no idea what happened to Briony but I can't wait to find out :)
As usual, your writing's gripping and impeccable. Loved it.
Author's Response: Hey E! So good to see you back ♥
You'll see some redeeming traits in Finn in the future, I promise! Thank you so much for your review Em ♥
Back again, this time from review tag :)
I just saw you've updated this story and can't wait to get onto the next chapter as well! You're too wonderful I can't deal with it.
Ooo that flashback was creepy. Noah seems like he was so good for Hero. It's really heartbreaking that she had to lose him. And I can see why Hero's struggling with feeling guilty, but it definitely wasn't her fault! I think Tom was involved but I expect it'll be a while before Hero's ready to realise that.
That moment with Emory was sad. I think they both really need each other but Hero's not making time for their friendship at the moment. And it makes sense that it's not her number one priority, but I think she's missing out because of it.
Not much Tom in this chapter - you've really used that to your advantage in terms of developing Hero's character. I feel like I understand her better having seen a bit more of her with other people.
Morgan's lovely, as expected :)
Ooo and that ending! Is that how she feels when the basilisk is near? I'm intrigued.
Another absolutely wonderful chapter, Bianca. I'm so impressed.
Author's Response: Yay, hi E!
Weren't missing Tom now, were you? ;)
It is heartbreaking, he was genuinely a nice boy (made myself cry once or twice, whoops). Thank you for another amazing review! ♥
And back again for the second part of our swap :)
I think it's a shame that Theo's letting his bitterness over the way things happened with Hero get in the way of his ability to communicate clearly with her. He actually does have some reason to doubt Tom's motives and not to trust him, but he comes across as a bit of a silly child in this chapter and I can see why Hero doesn't take him seriously.
I really hope that Finn figures out that what he's doing is wrong. He doesn't really seem nasty. He does these stupid things but his attitude towards it is mischievous and like he just thinks it's all a joke. He needs to learn that his actions are cruel.
I'm looking forward to seeing more of Hagrid later on :)
And Mo was just lovely in this chapter, but again I can't help but think it's all going to go wrong for him. Tom definitely won't like Hero having a good friend who's male and muggle born.
And then at the end of the chapter Tom comes very close to revealing his nastiness, but manages to save it. I don't think he'll be able to hide his views from Hero much longer. But then maybe he's not hiding them on purpose, he probably assumes she'll agree with him.
I'm assuming Noah's traumatic incident had something to do with Tom when they were children? Otherwise it's too much of a coincidence for them to both be orphans from Hangleton. I want to know moreee!
I absolutely love this story. Let me know if you want to swap for the next chapter too!
Author's Response: Hi E!
Finn will get there in the end, I promise! And I can also promise more Hagrid! I would definitely be up for another swap, thanks Emma! ♥
Heyy, here for our swap :)
This chapter feels like a bit of a turning point in the story. It's getting darker and I think we're starting to see a little of who Tom really is, although he's still very charming. I'm so intrigued by his actions here. He really does seem genuinely interested in Hero, even though she's starting to see that he's a bit creepy. I wonder what his motives are.
I really like Morgan. He just seems to be exactly who Hero needs. But I have a feeling something nasty might happen to him later on because I can't imagine Tom being that keen on their friendship. And he's muggle born so...
I think it's a shame that Hero doesn't feel able to talk to Emory about what happened over the summer. Emory seems really sweet and cares about Hero, and maybe it would be good for her to talk it through with someone outside her family.
And oh noo she's gone back to Tom at the end! I thought maybe she'd take some time away from him after him saying she's dark, but I guess she's too taken in by him at the moment to really understand that his behaviour was sinister.
This story's too good. I'm so sad that there are only six chapters at the moment!
Author's Response: What makes you think Tom Riddle has motives? (Ha ha kidding!)
Don't be sad - I update weekly! ♥
Thanks Emma xxx
Oh nooo why are you doing this to me? I know that Tom's evil but he's so sweet and I can't deal with it.
Yet another amazing chapter. I'm adding it to my favourites as soon as I finish this review.
Poor Theo. He's trying so hard to get Hero back and it's just not getting him anywhere. But at the same time I think he needs to take a step back. He's seeing someone else, and his behaviour in this chapter was really unacceptable. I hope they work something out though because it seems like they really matter to each other.
I think it's a bit ominous that Tom had her bracelet, especially because it has the name of the Orphanage on it. Does that mean he might be able to find out about this muggle boy? I guess we'll find out.
Loving this story. I'm so glad I found it! Emma xx
Author's Response: Muahahaha, I'm sorry to do that to you.
Oh thank you! That's so kind of you! ♥
Nice to hear from you again E, thank you for reviewing xxx
Me again :)
And this is another wonderful chapter. I enjoyed all the Shakespeare references - not sure I caught them all, I'm a bit rusty, but the ones I noticed were fab.
Again, I want to know what's going on with Theo. At the moment I'm getting an ex best friends vibe from them - he seems to know Hero better than Emory does? So I'm thinking maybe he wanted to be with Hero and it didn't work out. But I'm sure it's all going to be developed in time :)
It's actually kind of creepy how charming you've made Tom, but I think it's definitely the right approach to take. He's obviously capable of being charming and lovely, because he has followers a long time before he has actual power. But it's really sinister. I couldn't help but like him a little bit here.
And we know what the roosters at the end mean. Can't wait to read on.
Lots of love, E xx
Author's Response: Aw so nice to see you again Emma! ♥
Creepy and charming are exactly the adjectives I use for Tom, ha ha, so I'm glad you think so.
Thank you for reviewing! Xxx
Hey B! You left me such lovely reviews for 'Flight' I couldn't resist coming to have a look at your writing in return :)
Confession: I've never read a Tom Riddle story before, so this is new for me. But I'm excited about it!
Oh my gosh Bianca I loved this chapter so much I nearly didn't finish writing this review because I wanted to just click next. There are so many things I like, but for now:
-I love that you've got her counting Gryffindors. I might have to borrow that at some point. And it also does a relaly good job of breaking up her thoughts and showing how agitated she is. So you're being deliciously creative at the same time as using a super writing technique. I love it.
-I'm intrigued by Theo. I badly want to know more about what's happened between him and Hero.
-The contrast between Finn and Hero is fantastic. I always love sibling relationships in stories, and I think this looks like it'll be a great one.
You're amazing. Thanks for the read! Emma xx
Author's Response: Heya Emma! That's so nice of you! It was honestly such a joy to read Flight, it truly is amazing.
Ooh your first Tom Riddle! This is exciting for me! And you love sibling relationships? Yes, this is going to be the story for you!
Thank you ♥
I'm here for our review swap and I'm so sorry this is so late! Life caught up with me a bit and then I slightly forgot that I owed you this but I'm here now :)
I loveee your George and Angelina so couldn't resist this one. You write them so adorably and I love that they're already in love at school in your head canon - I'm never sure about the idea of Angelina having genuine feeling for Fred at school because it all just seems so messy and I want to believe that her and George have a shot at real happiness. Your way is lovely.
My absolute favourite line from Angelina here is - 'I can't play with you right now, Georgie'. I love how she's treating him like a little child, because he's behaving like a little child, and also because it shows how affectionate they are with each other.
Obviously this isn't completely happy. Stories like this are a bit stressful because I just want them to be honest with each other - they're so close to being so happy! And George came so close to telling her! But we know they get their love story in the end so that's okay :)
Lovely story. Sorry again for the lateness! Emma x
Author's Response: Hello!
Thanks for stopping by and no worries on lateness, I haven't been able to answer any of my reviews and I feel so guilty! It's great to see you again!
I seriously love writing George/Angelina and it's becoming very easy to get into their heads, even though George is still a difficult character to write most of the time. They're already in love here, in this innocent kind of way and that's what I liked the most about it.
I never go with the Angelina dating Fred angle in my universe but it could get messy if I included it. hahaha. I feel like Angelina and George loved one another from the moment they saw each other, even if they didn't really know what "love" was.
That's actually my favorite line too! Hahaha. "I can't play with you now Georgie." Just shows how close they are but also that George is kind of a spoiled brat. He's childish and whiny with Angelina in a way that just makes him even more adorable.
I wanted this to have a happier ending but the couple actually doesn't end up together until after the War. Hahaha. This was more like a little snapchat memory and it was so fun to write, especially George almost confessing!
Thanks a ton!
I adore this. It's so original and so beautiful and it's just lovely. Emma xx
Author's Response: Aw, thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
Hello! Here for our swap :)
This was lovely. I really like how you've shown Minerva's caring side. She's strong but she also loves people and I think it's important to show that.
All your little mentions of people are gorgeous. I especially liked that snapshot of James and Sirius. McGonagall's seen so many lives and been a part of so many people's growing up.
I think you get Remus very in character. He's likeable but quiet, and it seems like the world is a bit too much for him. Wonderfully written.
I really enjoyed reading this - thanks for the swap!
Author's Response: Hey, Emma!
Oh, thank you! *blushing*
I'm so glad you liked my McGonagall! I totally agree with you, she is strong and stern but also has a big heart. Or at least, that's how I've always seen her!
I'm so glad you enjoyed the memories and all the people that were part of her life (or she was part of their life... either way...) I'm so happy you liked the Sirius bit in particular. It was fun to write, in its bittersweetness...
Oh, I'm so glad you think I captured Remus well! He's my favourite! Love the werewolf boy so much!!! The world does seem a bit too much for him, the poor thing...
So glad you enjoyed the story! It was a pleasure to swap with you! We should do this again sometime! :D
Roisin I'm so glad you're back! I actually love this. I think it might be your best writing yet - angst suits you.
I really like Ginny's insights into characters. We're seeing Neville and Luna in a different way through her eyes to the way we saw them through Harry's, although they're still completely in character. I think Ginny's got a more accurate picture of what people are like.
The Carrows are horrifying. I so so want to see what they do next but also really don't want to know.
I love how you're developing Parvati and Lavender. They're kind and very different to the trio, but still have their own important place.
I don't want to see what happens to the cats :(
This story is so so wonderful! Can't wait for the next chapter.
Hello! Here reviewing for Team Gold.
I've been seeing this story mentioned around the forums and was really keen to read it. I'm definitely glad I did! I love your characterisations of all the marauders so far. I'll go through them in order.
Lily and Snape here are spot on. They fit in exactly with what we see of them in canon, but you've added a little twist of nastiness in Snape that shows how he'll grow up the way he does. I thought it was kind of touching how he set aside his views to reassure Lily, but at the same time we can see that he's already very prejudiced. I'd be interested to see where he gets that from. Are his parents anti-muggle?
Sirius and Regulus are adorable and it's so sad that soon Sirius will be leaving Regulus alone at home. I'm so excited to see how you develop their relationship and am sure it's going to end up devastating. For now they're gorgeous.
The image of Dumbledore helping himself to crumpets at the Lupins' and playing games with Remus is lovely and absolutely believable. I really like that he'd take the time to see Remus himself to make sure that everything will be okay. And it's very reminiscent of his treatment of Harry in Half Blood Prince so I loved that.
James's parents are lovely. You've done a brilliant job of characterising the four boys in relatively few words, showing really clearly the different places they're starting from. James is obviously very loved and very happy, which makes him different for now
And finally, Peter's section was really beautifully written. He's already got resentment building up in him which can only get stronger as he grows up, but at the same time here he's very obviously a child and it's sad knowing what's going to happen to him. I felt sad seeing his mother being proud of him here.
This is such a good first chapter! I'm definitely going to read on soon.
Hello! Here for part two of our swap :)
Your commitment to challenges will never cease to amaze me. You're fabulous. And it gave me so many wonderful-looking stories to choose from! I want to read them all. Definitely let me know if you ever want to swap again!
I think you've done a really good job of capturing Bella's voice. She's evil and a little bit mad and very very cruel, but she hasn't yet descended into the real insanity we see in her later in her life. She's forming very coherent thoughts, even though they're disturbing. You've given her room to grow up into the person we know she becomes.
Not sure if it was deliberate, but I thought your use of names was really effective here. Andromeda keeps calling her 'Bella' even while she knows she's being hurt, showing how human she is and how she can't quite let go of the fact they're sisters. The way Bellatrix addresses Andromeda is much more formal and distant. And then Ted comes in calling her 'Dromeda', which just kind of shows how he's her person now, and he's the one that knows her properly.
Your characterisation of Narcissa is perfect. She sort of knows what the right thing to do would be, but isn't willing to stand up to Bellatrix to make it happen. It's exactly the kind of thing we see from her in canon.
Andromeda and Ted are lovely. They're very intense for such a young relationship, but then they have to be because of the times they're living in.
The only thing I wasn't quite sure of here is McGonagall's presence. I like that it shows how awful everything is, and how even Hogwarts is dangerous, but I'm not sure I found the ending that convincing. Surely if the Head Girl had witnessed what Bellatrix was about to do she would have been expelled and lost her wand? I don't know. I wonder if it might be a stronger ending to have Bellatrix hear someone approach and leave of her own accord, or perhaps have some Slytherin minion come and get her for something important.
This is brilliantly written though, and I really enjoyed reading it. You've made Bellatrix possibly even more evil, which is hugely impressive.
Thanks for the swap! Emma xx