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Reading Reviews From Member: ShieldSnitch3
43 Reviews Found

Review #26, by ShieldSnitch3Being Summer: The One with Lots of Talking

26th February 2012:
I finally catch up on life enough to get around to reading the last two chapters and this is what I get? NO JAMES AND NATALIE DETAILS? Grrr. Am I being too overdramatic? Ah, who cares. It's me and nothing's going to change that :p But besides my annoyance with the NO JAMES AND NATALIE DETAILS, these were really funny chapters. Especially this one. Who cares if it's filler? It was funny!

Question: is it a bad thing that I like Kyle? I mean, I'm not supposed to like him, but I do. He reminds me of my friend Kyle who I think I mentioned in my last review. Wow. It's really sad that I call a person like him my friend. Hm. Well, my Kyle's at college now so at least I don't really have to put up with him, unlike Summer. Unless he texts me about how he's "fratting it up." But you're from England or somewhere over there (I think, am I right?)... do you guys have fraternities? Sorry, random question and I'm being quite rambly right now. Point is, I like Kyle and his attitude.

Back on track. Ooh, are they having the party in the next chapter? It sounds like a lot of stuff's going to go down. Like maybe James getting drunk and spilling the secret? And Connor and Dom getting together? And Penny kicking Kane to the curb and professing her undying love for Fred? THIS ALL MUST HAPPEN.

By the way, I'd just thought I'd mention that I love Summer's mom and her mad letter writing skills. And aren't Scorpius and Summer supposed to be having a joint birthday party or something at some point?

Sorry, this review was kind of random and weird. Kay, I'm gonna go now and eat my apple pie. 'Till next time!

Author's Response: OH MY GOSH. sorry about taking like a week to respond to this, but i have had the most hectic week in the world. its ten to eleven now and i am finally answering this, though i read it and loved it ages agooo. sorry, chicklet. im also leaving you a rave for and all that jazz in a minute, im just typing this... so yeah. i read that when it first came out too, but life is annoying and hasnt left me any time to review :( booo.

MWAHAHAHA. nah, no james and natalie yet. but soon, chick, soon. i promise :D NO! I LOVE KYLE. kyle is my baby. yeah he's a bit of a perv and kind of a sicko and a big hindrance to the whole james/summer thing, but i love him. he's my little angel...ish. yeah, im english (whooo, go england) and we dont have fraternities... they had them on a film once, i still dont know what they are :P

yes, the party is in the next chapter, which should hopefully be out tomorrow. hm... we'll see about the james thing. it might now be quite that soon, love. dom/connor... not a word :P there is a little penny/kane though. kane says about two lines.

SUMMER'S MUM'S LETTERS ROCK. SERIOUSLY. she is the bomb-diggity at letter writing. my mum cant even write a note to herself in normal english.

urgh. i hate apple pie... and you ate it a while ago now... so i hope you enjoyed it. thanks chick, ellie :) xx

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Review #27, by ShieldSnitch3A Woman's Guide to Professional Quidditch: Getting Caught

25th February 2012:
Oh my gosh, I just found this story and I'm really enjoying it. I've always loved stories about Quidditch, so I guess you've hit my soft spot :D

It was so funny when it wound up being Fred in her bed, I figured it was going to be a guy from the team. The interaction between all of the guys on the team is great, by the way. It's exactly the way guys behave around each other and reminded me so much of all my guy friends. I also love Gigi's character. She's very entertaining and the fact that she's not a girly girl makes her so much better :) And Harley Chilton! For some reason I always find it funny when Harley Chilton is mentioned.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next chapter, so update soon, yeah?

Author's Response: I'm glad you found this story! Quidditch is a soft spot for me too, don't worry. I just am a sports freak, so Quidditch is up there on my reading list. :D. I've played on teams my whole life, so I based how my teams interact with how the Falcons should act. Girls teams aren't so much different than guy teams (in my opinion).

Gigi is my baby, she really is. Her name is based off of a girl I used to work with, but her style and everything is based off of my sister. Whenever I need to know how she would react to something, I ask my sister (though she doesn't know I'm writing this as her).

So am I babbling? Probably. Next chapter is in the queue currently. I'll shut up now :D.

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Review #28, by ShieldSnitch3Bursting Hearts: Valentine's Day

25th February 2012:
Hey, it's ShieldSnitch3 from the forums finally here with your review! Sorry about the wait - life got busy :( I know it's past Valentine's Day, but I figured you still want feedback, so here I am!

And awww, this was so cute! I really enjoyed reading it. It was such a unique pairing and I've never read anything from Seamus's point of view, so that was fun.

I guess the first thing I'd like to point out is grammar. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great, either. There were some missing commas, misused words, and misplaced words. You really need to have good grammar because it tends to pull the reader out of the story and it affects the flow. Again, your grammar wasn't awful, but it definitely distracted me a bit. I would recommend going back through yourself or possibly getting a Beta from the forums. Since this is a one-shot, it should be pretty easy to get one!

You said you were concerned with the emotions in your review request, so I guess that's what I should talk about, yeah? On the contrary, I though you did rather well with the emotions. I've been told that one of my strongest aspects is describing emotion, so you should feel highly praised! Haha, just kidding ;p Anyway, I really thought you captured how a person falling for someone would feel. I'm not a guy, but I assume that their feelings are the same. I really loved how when they were at Madame Puddifoot's you wrote about how she would blush and Seamus thought she was all the more gorgeous because of it. Sooo cute! And then the bit on the log was pretty spot on as well. I've always felt that characterization is tied strongly to emotion, and you pretty much proved that point for me! The way you described how he would make other things explode so he didn't explode himself was such a nice detail and filled out his character. Also, the insights into his homelife and how he deals with things were great touches. All of these little things about his character show us his emotional response system, how he handles his feelings. So anyway, I thought the emotions were very well done and I had a very clear picture of Seamus throughout the piece.

Okay, that is all. Again, sorry about the lateness, but I hope this review helped!

Author's Response: Hey there!
Don't worry, I completely know what you mean.
Yay! You liked it! I'm so happy!
Okay, now let's get to serious. I'll get a beta to fix everything I hope soon enough. I hope that'll correct all the mistakes and flow problems.
And now, again I go...YAY! You thought I did well! I actually do feel praised ^-^
Thanks for everything, you know how to help, and don't ever apologize for the little lateness ;)

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Review #29, by ShieldSnitch3Heaven Can Wait: Turning Point

25th February 2012:
Hi! ShieldSnitch3 from the forums finally here with your review!

Okay, so I'm going to write my first initial thoughts here. First, I like the fact that this is from James's POV. I thought it was going to be Lily at first, but then it wasn't! It's a very unique choice and is interesting to read from. The other thing is that some of your paragraph spacing is a bit messed up. I know that the site can be annoying to use sometimes, but it really makes it easier on the readers if you take the time to fix it.

I thought the characterizations were very well done in this, which is a nice break from a lot of the stuff on here. I particularly thought Sirius sounded close to Canon, not too over the top like a lot of people do, but still a bit aloof :) The dynamics of the Marauders were good, you seem to have a firm grasp on how all of them would behave. And I was so excited to see that you didn't forget about Peter! That's one of my biggest Marauder pet peeves. Okay, so James. Obviously, he's the narrator so his characterization is important. I'm a little bit divided on him right now. I feel like he was... different than what the books always put him as. His thoughts didn't seem very arrogant at all, and I didn't really get a sense of his mischievousness. But, that being said, I still did like his characterization. Since this whole story is about how one event can change lives, I'm feeling like this is going to be about how James is maturing. That was more the sense that I picked up from this chapter, and if I didn't know anything about him, I would have said that he sounded like a responsible guy. I think you found the perfect balance for his maturation - showing his intelligence and hobbies, but also his confusion over his feelings and how he should be behaving. So overall, I liked him, even though he felt different from the James I've always imagined.

Moving on. I thought the flow was pretty good, but I think it could be improved by fixing the grammar. There weren't any really horrendous mistakes, but just small things that sort of accumulated throughout the chapter. Grammar really affects flow, so you'll want to make sure that you're editing and double-checking before you post.

I really loved all the details you put in about the environment. They were very well done and they really helped me to imagine the scenes and the actions. However, I think you should try to work on describing emotion just as much as you describe the exterior surroundings. Like when James was saying how he likes to annoy Lily just for fun, why does he find fun in it? Also, when the two of them are studying together, I felt like that was an important turning point in his thoughts on her. However, I didn't really feel that his confusion and/or feelings were coming through clearly enough there. If that situation was strong enough to create a friendship (well, maybe create a friendship), I think his emotions should be pretty strong as well. I got that he was confused, I just think it could be... more.

Anyway, I hope this review helped. Feel free to re-request if it did!

Author's Response: Hey! Wow! Long review! Thank you so much. I am terribly sorry for the infinite delay in responding I've been having an insanely busy life the couple of past weeks and in the middle I had to also finish the third chapter of this story before I took my break for studying. :/ So sorry!

Anyway I absolutely love this review and it WAS very helpful. I'm glad that you like Jame's characterisation. I like writing from the Marauder's perspectives because I think its fun going into their heads. Right now however James is a little conflicted inside, his usual cocky self is undermined by the gush of feelings for Lily that he's not even aware of yet. It'll become more clear in the future chapters I promise.

Meantime, yes I think Peter is very important in any Marauder story. One where he's ignored I feel has a gaping hole no matter how great the story line is. So Peter is here to stay :) I want to show the side of him that the Marauders saw and loved. Sirius I've realised is a hard character to write even though he's the Marauder who's featured most in the books next to Remus. I just think that when writing him his character naturally drags to the uncannily romantic or the arrogant playboy extremes. Until I figure it out and create a balanced image for him he will stay in the background where he is safe.

Grammar! Yes! My arch nemesis! Well I do try but I think I should probably start looking for a Beta to help me out with the little things! And yes again, I'm working on putting emotions in more. I just tend to get very carried away when I'm writing deep about emotions that I look back and go "WHOA! 10,000 + word count! :/" Lol so yeah.

Thank you so so much for your review and your great advice! I really really appreciate it. And once again, very sorry for the delay in this response!

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Review #30, by ShieldSnitch3Time turner Mayhem: Time turners suck!

25th February 2012:
Hey, ShieldSnitch3 from the forums here with your review (finally)! Sorry about the wait, btw.

So anyway, I must begin by saying that this highly amused me. I especially liked the first sentence, it caught my attention right away. Then I started reading and I was like, "Oh, no. Not another 'we got drunk and hooked up' story." But you managed to surprise me with the twist of the Time-Turner. So nice job with the twist, and I think you'll be able to milk a good plot/conflict out of it.

Hermione, Ginny, and Draco all seemed very much in character. Especially when Hermione and Draco were yelling at each other and Draco was leaving all of his snide comments. There are only a few things that I'd like to point out here. First of all, it seems un-Hermioneish for her to be laughing at Draco in the beginning. Why would she be laughing about the fact that they're both in the same bed? Also, when Ginny came in and Hermione and Draco were both hating on each other, shouldn't Ginny have wondered why the people who were getting married had no clue what was going on? I think those were my only issues with the characters. Other than those few things, good job :D

I think the flow was decent, but you could probably work on varying your sentence structure a bit. You used fairly simplistic sentences throughout. There's nothing wrong with that, but I've found that things tend to flow better when the structure varies between complex and simple. Going along with the flow, I'm going to comment on length. This felt very prologue-ish to me as it was so short. That being said, I thought that it was okay because it did draw me into the story and got the action/plot moving immediately. However, you're going to want to write longer chapters in the future to make the readers more invested.

I think my biggest issue was with the description. I think you described the /actions/ of the characters well, but there's so much more to description than just position and action. You should work on how they're saying something, how they're feeling. I'm assuming that Hermione was drunk/hungover, so shouldn't she have a headache or nausea? Also, the setting! What kind of room are they in? Is it dark or light, how is it decorated, etc.? Which leads me to a question. You said that they were in the heads' dorm, so they're still in school, but they're going to be married? That confused me :/

A last thing I'd like to point out is a little bit of an issue I have with the plot. When they used the Time-Turners in the third book, there were two Harrys and Hermiones, and the future Harry and Hermione couldn't let their past selves see them, right? So where's the other Draco and Hermione? That was my biggest problem with the plot, but maybe you're going to tackle that later on, I don't know :)

Um, I think that's it for now. I hope this review helped, and if it did, please feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter up!

Author's Response: Heya,

Thanks so much for the review and I'm glad you liked the first line :D ha-ha a lot of people have said that they thought it was going to be another drunk and hooked up story, but I’m glad I managed to surprise people.

Arh, thank you Hermione and Draco are my fav characters to write about so I’m glad they both seemed in character. Thank you for pointing those out, it’s currently with a couple of beta’s at the min and I’m doing a bit of a re write, so hopefully they will get sorted out. I’ll definitely try and make the chaps longer, I think it’s just cause I’m used to writing short ones.

Thanks for mentioning the heads dorms part too, I’ll definitely clean that up. To be honest I hadn’t noticed it until a couple of people pointed it out. Thanks for pointing it out about they couldn’t let their other self’s see them as well, I’ll keep that in mind!

Thanks so much for the helpful review!

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Review #31, by ShieldSnitch3Fix you: Chapter 2

25th February 2012:
Haha, finally back for chapter two! So, let's get started :)

All right, first I know you said in your request that I shouldn't worry about the grammar because you're working on fixing it, but I feel that I have to mention it. I am a grammar freak. Seriously. I'm not going to point out the mistakes, but there were lots of missing words, oddly placed phrases, and just general typos. It really hurts the flow of the story when there are grammar mistakes because it pulls the reader out, especially when the mistakes cause the sentence to be confusing. It will be a much more enjoyable story for your readers if you can fix the grammar up. Perhaps try a Beta if you're not comfortable with all the nit-picky rules. Anyway, that's my rant on grammar.

Okay, so next I thought I'd talk about characterization. I thought Mary's characterization was better in this chapter because you included the art stuff. This makes her stand out in my mind as a distinct person, and not just a random friend. I also really liked her line, "Actually, it is telling me a story. You just can't see it." That's exactly how I feel most of the time, but with writing, not art. A lot of my friends are math/science people while I'm obviously more of an English person, and they bash literature all the time for not having an obvious application in real life. Mary's line is exactly how I respond to them. So I think she's a very realistic character so far, but obviously we still have more to learn about her! I thought that Methelda was a bit less quirky in this chapter. It doesn't mean that she's not still distinctive, but just... less quirky. I still found her thoughts entertaining, though, especially the bit about leaving the house elves notes. She really reminds me of Hermione, especially because you mentioned how she's always in the library studying. But that brings up a question. Why exactly is she always studying? I get that she cares about her grades (obviously), but is there a motivation for it? I'd like to see you go deeper into her mind for things like that. There's lots of potential for character development with the stuff you mentioned in the chapter. Her eating - does she have an eating disorder? Or is it just that she gets so distracted that she forgets to eat? The drive to study - does she feel like she needs to prove something? Is her future on the line if she doesn't get good grades? Overall, just what makes her tick. Go deeper than just she likes to study. And then finally, we have Albus. I feel like we don't know much about his personality at all. I guess he likes Quidditch, but then he also said how he doesn't like being captain. Is this just because he was frustrated with his team? That's what I got out of it. Anyway, he's obviously a good friend for bringing the muffins, but that's the extent of what I know about him. Just like you did with Mary and Methelda, you're going to need something distinguishing about him. What's his passion?

I guess the last thing I want to hit on is plot. I said in the first chapter that it didn't seem like much was going on, but that was okay since it was just the prologue. This, however, is the actual start of the story, and I'll be honest - I don't really see a plot. I don't just want to read about her life, I want something to happen! You've definitely got to come up with some sort of conflict or people aren't going to read it. Without conflict, there is no plot. I think I said in my last review that I thought it was going to be a romance, but it doesn't have to be. Make it whatever you want - mystery, action, suspense, drama. Just come up with some sort of conflict to drive the plot. I suppose this is the thing I would work on the most. So yeah, get that going.

I have a quick question for you before I go, though. I saw that you friended me on the forums and obviously you're asking for reviews, so my question is, have you read my stories or is this just random? I know, this question has no relevance to the review, but I was just curious :D Anyway, I hope this review was helpful. Feel free to re-request when you get the next chapter up!

Author's Response: Hey ShieldSnitch3. I have read your review a while back. But i really wanted to leave a decent response. So i ended up being late. Sorry for that.

First,the grammar. I know that i have a lot of mistakes here and there. I am really trying to work on that, especially on the dialogue tag part. I did enlist for a beta. I hope that at some point someone is interested enough to be a beta for my story. So I'll just keep my fingers crossed.

It's great that you could actually Mary's character. It means that I could make her real.

About Meths. I am trying to show that she is more than another quirky character. I just hope I can actually do that as the story progresses. I plan to write more about her motivations in later chapters.

About Albus. I agree. I need to work more on his personality. His character needs more depth.

Finally, about the plot. THE PLOT. You have no idea how much I worry about it ever since it was first pointed to me. I hope I can figure things out before people actually lose interest in my story.

About the adding you in the forums part. No, I haven't read your stories yet. I will though. I am pretty sure I'll get addicted. So i think I will just wait till I have a break.

That's about it. Last but not the least, I would like to thank you for taking out the time from your busy lives to help writers like us. It really means a lot. So thank you. I just hope I can show my gratitude by actually writing something worth while for reviewers like you.

Take care.

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Review #32, by ShieldSnitch3Trying not to love you: Chapter two - The Other Side of the Coin

13th February 2012:
All right, finally back for chapter 2! Yay! Let's get started...

I'm typing this as I'm reading through the chapter so it might sound a bit random or whatever but hopefully you don't mind. So, first thing. As I'm going through the first couple of paragraphs, it sort of feels... disjointed. I feel like you jump from long sentences (sometimes even run-ons) to short and choppy ones with very little middle ground. For example, "The huge rock on it was shining more brightly than the light in the ceiling. It had blinded me seven times during this morning. But the ring was so her. Teddy had chosen well." The structure here is very simplistic; combining some things would make it flow a lot better. Here's something I might do: "The huge rock was shining even more brightly than the light in the ceiling - it had practically blinded me seven times this morning. I kid you not. But the ring was just so her, so Victoire, that it didn't matter. Teddy had chosen well." Hopefully you see what I mean :D This might just be my personal preference, but I tend to use more complex sentences and lots and lots of commas, and then intersperse short, sarcastic points here and there. I kind of see that going on here, but I would say work on developing sentence structure a bit more - don't be afraid to use dashes, commas, semicolons, colons, and all that good stuff. Switch it up!

Another thing that might help with the flow is breaking up the paragraphs. I'm just looking at the beginning of the chapter with these gigantic blocks of text and I'm like, "uh... daunting." Again, this could just be personal preference, because I tend to use rather short paragraphs. So, I'll give you another example. Look at the paragraph that starts with "But Im losing the point of my story again." I would break it up at "Im still a bit shocked" and again at "Yep, that's right." There's certainly nothing wrong with longer paragraphs - it's just more of a mental thing and makes it easier to read. And one more thing for flow - make sure you're using contractions. Some of the language sounds a bit awkward, like "I think she is mental" should be "I think she's mental," or "'We are here!' Victoire shouted" should be "'We're here!' Victoire shouted." It sounds a lot more natural and realistic :)

So, with the dialogue. I think so far it sounds fairly good, just work on the contractions like I mentioned above to make it sound more realistic. Another thing I noticed while reading is that when you have two people talking, you always put who said the line. Take, for example, when Gwen and James are having the conversation in the dueling range. Since it's only those two talking, you don't need to clarify who said each statement. Your readers are smart enough to figure out that after James said something, Gwen spoke next. You don't need to always tell us who said what. Of course, you should still put those in every once and a while to keep us from getting lost. But still, feel free to cut back.

Woah, WHAT? Holy crap! Major twist! Talking about the dad thing here, by the way. Woah. She must be seriously messed up from that. I know I would be. Even three years later. Jeez... I guess that leads me into characterization. Pretty good here, I thought. Better than the first chapter, more showing and less telling, especially with Dom and James. Little anecdotes, like all of James's girls, are definitely good things to include and give us some insight into who these people are. I think that the one thing you should work on here is Gwen's personality - she is narrating the story, after all. Besides the whole dad thing, I don't feel like anything about her jumped out at me in this chapter. Although I did like how you never let us forget that she loves James, how she's always mentioning some little thing about him. That bit was great - don't change that.

Sorry, this review is getting really long. I'm going to try and wrap things up quickly now. A lot of original stuff in here that's awesome to read about - the "doping," dueling range, etc. Keep that up, it makes it more interesting to read. Grammar: a few wrong words, missing words, and punctuation issues here and there. Nothing major, just something to keep an eye on.

Kay, I gotta go now. I hope this review helped! I'll get around to the other chapters eventually when life gets less busy :/ Overall, good job, and I'm looking forward to reading more!

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for your long and constructive review! It's really, really helpful!

I see what you mean! Yours works a lot better! I'll try to work on that in the future chapters. And when I have time I'll go through the old ones to see if I can find more sentences to mix like that! Thank you for the tip!

I agree that it's easier to read shorter paragraphs. I always try to cut them as soon as possible. That changes from the next chapter, since there's starting to be more and more dialogue.

Contractions, those have been corrected starting from the fourth chapter. I hadn't even noticed I was doing it before it was pointed out d: I just haven't had time to edit it to the three first ones yet.

The thing you mentioned about dialogue, I know that. It's a bit like habit for me. I always try to leave some of those away, but when I re-read my work I just don't feel satisfied when I don't see who said the sentence. I'll try to work on that one too (x

I'm glad you like tha characters. That's something I've tried to work hard on, especially on Gwen's part. I've tried to make her easily relatable so I hope that's working.

Oh and great that you liked the Duelling Range and the doping part, there will be more things like those in the future too (:

Thank you again so much! This gave me something to improve on my writing so it helped really much! I'm looking forwards to hearing what you think of the rest of the story (:

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Review #33, by ShieldSnitch3Fix you: Prologue

5th February 2012:
Hiya! ShieldSnitch3 from the forums here with your review!

Okay, so I'm going to be writing this as I'm reading. Hopefully it turns out well...

The first two sentences threw me off a bit. Your character is talking about how she has always hated waking up early, but in the next sentence she talks about how when everyone else is asleep she's up in the common room. Does that mean she's awake at night or awake in the morning?

A few grammar things here and there. I've noticed a lack of commas and I'm only a few paragraphs in (I'm very picky about commas). Here's some general comma advice: when there's description after dialogue (ex. he said loudly) and the dialogue doesn't end with a question mark, exclamation mark, or a dash, you need to use a comma. Here's an example: "'You're drooling, Love.' Mary said with a casual shrug." There should be a comma after 'Love' instead of a period. Also, 'Love' shouldn't be capitalized unless it's Mary's nickname for Methelda.

All right, moving along. So, Methelda's talking about how she and Mary started sending letters back and forth. I was a bit confused as to why they suddenly started talking so much, as you never give an explanation for it. They've been in the same dorm for six years and now they randomly start talking two to three times a day? It would help to give a short little anecdote about why they've connected all of a sudden, which would add to characterization as well. Also, just me being picky - you should spell out the numbers in that paragraph. It tends to pull the reader out of the story when the number 2 or 7 randomly appears.

Little fixes:
-"Hi, my favourite lesbian couple!" Al greeted us, "Did you two have a goodnights sleep or where you too busy with -" should be "Hi, my favourite lesbian couple!" Al greeted us. "Did you two have a good night's sleep or were you too busy with -"
-"She is actually the quite girl" - I think you meant quiet girl.
-"we usually do our own stuffs" - stuffs should be singular (stuff).
-"I hit him in the head." - should be "I hit him on the head."
-You wrote "Arthur's note" instead of "Author's note" at the bottom :)
-Again, commas! Commas are your friend! I would suggest brushing up when one should use a comma for separating phrases and such.
-At the beginning, you used ellipses, like when you wrote
"Erm.." But with ellipses you need three dots, so it should be "Erm..." Wherever you have the two periods, you need three!

Okay, so - plot. I'm assuming that this is going to be a romance story? If that's the case, then you'll need to develop how the relationship is going to play out. Why can't they be together? Why aren't they together yet? Does one of them have feelings that the other can't reciprocate? Maybe Methelda gets a boyfriend and Al's jealous? You get the gist. If there's no conflict, then the story won't be interesting to read. As for right now it's okay because this is just the prologue, but just a head's up for the future.

The dialogue was pretty good and believable, you just need to add in those commas. The pace was all right, I suppose, but not much has happened thus far. When the plot kicks in the pace should pick up. Flow - most of the time it was good, there were just one section where I had issues. When Methelda goes to shower and then all of a sudden she's ready to go, it seemed rather abrupt. Characterization: I like how you jumped right into Methelda's head and started off the inner monologues right away. Sometimes authors forget to describe what their characters are thinking and instead just go "dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, action." It seems like you have a good sense of how you want to portray Methelda, and that comes across clearly. That being said, however, don't forget descriptions. What does the setting look like? What are the characters doing when they're talking? How do they look (e.g. uncomfortable, pleased, etc.)? All this helps to set the scene.

I hope this helped, and I didn't mean to sound critical or harsh so hopefully it didn't come off that way. I think you have potential for a good story here, you just need to work on developing it a bit. I guess I would say that the biggest thing you need to work on is the plot, but again, it's only the prologue, so there's plenty of time for that!

If this helped and you would like me to review the next chapter, feel free to rerequest in the forums :D

Author's Response: Yikes to the the length of your review! *bows humbly*

Your review was far from harsh. You pointed out so many new things to me. i can now see that there is a gap the whole exchanging letters thing.

Thank you for the little fixes. I recently read the "everything you ever need to know about dialogues" in the grammar section of the forums. Trust me, it helped me a lot.

About the plot? I wish I had a clear idea about it right now. I know that the next chapter will not develop my plot either. Now that I have realized my problem with the plot development, I plan to work on it from my 3rd chapter. *fingers crossed*

Description. *sighs*
Seriously, I wish I was better at that. I will try my best to improve though.

I am glad you like Methelda's internal monologue. Yes, I am fairly certain how i want to portray her. There is only thing that I am worried about. I don't my OC to be just another quirky sarcastic character,you know?

Thank you for your amazing review. I am getting better at receiving criticisms. Thanks to helpful reviewers like you.

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Review #34, by ShieldSnitch3Saving Grace: prologue

5th February 2012:
Hi! It's ShieldSnitch3 from the forums with your review!

Okay, so this is a short chapter, but that's all good because it's an introduction, yeah? I think it was the perfect length because it gives you just enough time to build up the suspense and tension. The pacing was very good for this purpose - it wasn't too long and monologuey or too short. I think you had just the right balance of descriptions and dialogue. I also like the ambiguity of the chapter and how you didn't reveal who the two characters were until the end. That definitely helped with the tension as well.

On that note, I am already sympathizing with Grace's character. She seems like a strong young woman, but at the same time vulnerable, and it's easy to believe how her father could have manipulated her into staying for so long. I also liked the fact that she understands what kind of a person he is now and acknowledges both his power and evilness. I think you got Voldemort spot on as well, at least from what we've read of him in the books. At the beginning he seemed very cunning and calculated as he tried to convince her to stay, but towards the end, when she wouldn't give him what he wanted, he became violent. You get a yay! for characterization. Very believable :)

Overall, good job with the first chapter! It definitely caught my attention and there weren't too many mistakes that I found. The only mistakes I found were really comma usage. For example, when you have 'Remember where your loyalties lay Grace,' he said smoothly. - Add a comma before Grace and change lay to lie (lie is the present tense, which is how Voldemort is speaking). It's a very short list compared to a lot of things I've read on here. So, yeah. Commas! They are your friend! I guess the only other comment I would make is on the spacing between the paragraphs. It's awkwardly large, and you don't need the indent at the start of each paragraph. Um, I think that's it!

I hope this review helped, and if you'd like me to read on to the next chapter, feel free to rerequest in the forums :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review!! I'll keep your points in mind when I go back and correct the chapter :)

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Review #35, by ShieldSnitch3Bang: I seem to be bordering on becoming a psychopath.

24th January 2012:
Why? Why is it that right when I'm about to study for school, I stumble across one of your stories? WHY? (It's for physics this time, btw.) And now I shall squeal over this story.

EEEPPP! I'm really excited about this one, in case you couldn't tell ;p It's only the first chapter but I lurve Aimee sosososo much - probably because her klutzy-ness and bluntness reminds me of me. And she's so funny! I always love characters with a good sense of humor. Molly's awesome, don't need to say much more than that. I guess Lorcan's all right, I don't really have an opinion on him yet.

Um, what else? The details you put in were really... detailed? I wanted to say they were good, but that sounded lame. Literally, the first thing I thought when I started reading this was, "She used off-white! OFF-WHITE!" Gah. There were a bunch of other details I was going to list off, but I'm just so excited about the use of off-white that I can't even think of them right now. I'm such a nerd. Ahem. Moving on.

Okay, so near the end Aimee says, "you know your life is sad when one of the highlights of your life is listening to Lorcan and Molly tell you the stories of her cousin James and his psychopathic ex-girlfriend/stalker." I swear, it's like you know my life story or something. Except replace "Lorcan and Molly" with "all of Erin's friends" and "her cousin James" with "her boyfriend Stephen." You would think that I would be concerned about this ex-girlfriend of his who is literally stalking him, but no. She's like an on-running joke in our group of friends (except to Stephen). The things she does literally crack me up. Whenever I hang out with my friends, we all try to guess what crazy thing she's going to do next. It's like a comedy :) And then how you said Bethany launched herself at James - yup, that happened, too. Except it was at a choral audition, and she just went up and kissed him in front of me. I probably should have been worried. Instead, I found it hilarious. The look on his face was PRICELESS. Sorry, I'm rambling about my life. I shall stop now c:

Anyway, I loved it! Update soon, please, when homework permits :D

P.S. Sorry, afterthought. Short question: Aimee talks about MTV Cribs but she doesn't know what a spinning door is?

Author's Response: OH GOOD GOD. WHEN I SAW THIS REVIEW, THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT WAS... OOH, SHE WRITES AND ALL THAT JAZZ. and then, i remembered that i read the new chapter the other day before i went to school and planned to review when i got back because i didnt have time, and then forgot! i forgot! which sucks, because chapter thirteen was amazing! i am going to review that as soon as i have finished all this :D

urgh. physics time. sucks to be you, my love. but hey, that is why fanfiction was invented. so people could fall behind in school.

anyway, im glad you like aimee! hopefully your life isnt quite as dull as hers! im glad you like molly too, and lorcan's pretty cool. so we dont need to worry much about him :)

aww, thanks. actually, im really pleased that you said that because something i did try to work on (the actual reason i wrote this story, as well) was the language that i actually used when writing. all the rest of my stories are just a couple of funny phrases and a lot of sarcasm, and i didnt want this one to be exactly the same. so thank you for noticing. because yes, i used OFF WHITE.

bahaa :) who cares about the fact your boyfriend has a stalker, eh? you get a good chuckle out of it, so who gives one. i am very someone you have someone like bethany in your life. still, at least it gives you someone to laugh at. :D

update... urgh. soon. ish. maybe. i dunnooo :( homework is horrible. grrr. booo :(

P.S. aimee has has watched one episode of MTV cribs with her little nephew (he's three. awh.) and she does know what a spinning door is, she's just so clumsy that she hates them because she always gets trapped. boo :(

thank you!

ellie :) xx

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Review #36, by ShieldSnitch3One Really "Warped" Prank: Engage!

22nd January 2012:
Oh my God. I think I just died. That was so freaking hilarious. The red shirts! Oh, the red shirts! It was so wonderfully nerdy. So many references. I love the fact that you put Remus as Spock. That is such a perfect match. And McCoy and Scotty and then, of course, Captain Kirk. Sorry that this review isn't much of a review. I just thought I'd share how much I enjoyed this. I honestly laughed out loud throughout the whole thing. It was perfect. 10/10 :D

Author's Response: I was smiling so much when I read your review! I'm perfectly fine with you just letting me know how much you enjoyed it! I was originally torn with which role James and Sirius should play, but I'm happy with my final decision (and I take it you totally agree with it too!). Thank you so much for reviewing, and I'm glad you enjoyed the references!

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Review #37, by ShieldSnitch3Masterpiece: the artist

19th January 2012:
Oh, wow. I'm already hooked from just one chapter. Your descriptions are so beautiful and flowing - I really love the phrasing and flow. I'm so jealous of your style :p Anyway, just thought I'd say that first because it's the first thing I noticed when I started reading!

This is such an intriguing concept. I've never read anything about Fleur let alone her parents, and I'm absolutely loving Henri's character. He's such an angsty artist in an existential/pessimistic kind of way. This is going to be a really weird comparison, but he reminds me of the Enlightenment philosophes. Particularly J.J. Rousseau. If you don't know who that is, just ignore my comment. If you do, hopefully you understand where I'm coming from. Sorry! I'm rambling. Back on track: I feel like you did an excellent job with his characterization. I understand him without you /telling/ me every little aspect of his personality. Henri's such a complex character - I see that already. The details about his writing and self-consciousness over his paintings were such great touches and extremely realistic. Plus, I love the contrast and dynamics between Henri and Robert. Cynicism versus optimism. Very cool. :D

Anyway, I really love this! I'll definitely be reading on (when I don't have three giant exams to study for). Gorgeous first chapter, and loving the idea of the references to Dorian Gray. I'm looking forward to seeing where that goes. I mean, I already see the connections with the beauty, art, superficiality, etc., but I'm really curious to find out where you'll take it. :)

Author's Response: Oh wow, thank you! I have a considerable amount of love for minor characters, and I'm not sure you can get much more minor than these two... I mean, Henri isn't even given a name in canon, poor guy, he's *that* minor. I'm glad you like him though, even if he is rather grumpy :)

Erm... no I can't pretend to know what that means, but it all sounds rather intellectual and I'm now going to go and google it so I can feel well-informed in the future xD

Eek, good luck for your exams! I've been feeling smug because all my friends have got them at the moment but I don't have any until the summer. Glad you like that - I love Wilde and I just thought - paintings, beautiful people, vanity... Dorian Gray!

Thanks for the lovely review :)

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Review #38, by ShieldSnitch3Trying not to love you: Chapter one - Best Friends Forever

19th January 2012:
Hiya! So I was bored, stumbled across this, and decided to read it on a whim (okay, so I can put off studying for physics), and the first few paragraphs really got me hooked! GAH I loved the opening so much. The intro, when she talks about all the different situations with love, was sooo cute, but heart breaking at the same time. I think you did a really nice job with tapping into Gwen's emotions; everything was described in so much depth. On that note, Gwen feels very realistic to me, and I like how she's so competitive. I'm an uber-competitive person myself, so I definitely relate to her in that sense :D Oh, and I liked how you didn't reveal who this 'friend' was right at the beginning. It kept me guessing until you said it was James :)

The only thing I would consider working on is the fact that you're telling us everything. I know, I just said how I like your descriptions of her emotions, but this is telling in a different sense. For example, don't say, "I loved my flat" or "I loved my job" - show us! I can see why Gwen loves Quidditch just from the way she thinks about it ;)

A few spelling/mechanics issues here and there, but nothing horrendous and loads better than a lot of what is found on the site. I would never have guessed that English isn't your first language!

The plot is a teensy bit cliche, but there's nothing wrong with that. I know I'm guilty of using cliches. People like them for a reason! But I do like that you've put a little bit of a twist on it, and I especially like the fact that this takes place outside of Hogwarts. You don't see that often, and I always find those stories so much more interesting.

Overall, I really enjoyed it! I hope this review helped, and I didn't mean to sound harsh or anything (hopefully I didn't). Please continue to update - I know it's hard to get your first story going (congrats, by the way), but it's such a great experience once you do. Don't give up! I'm so glad that I didn't give up on my first story. I can really see how much I've grown in just a few months. So yeah, keep updating please! I know I'll be coming back for more :D

Author's Response: I love you guys for all these awesome reviews! They make me beam so hard that my cheeks start to hurt (:

I'm so happy that people like Gwen. She is a strong young woman and really adamant, but she does have a softer side too. And excellent if she seems realistic, I was a bit worried that I'm making her sound too good to be true.

The telling-part does change later on. There's so much more dialogue on chapter two already and you get to 'see' things rather than just hear her explain about them. At least I hope I managed to do that better on the next chapter (:

I try to spice up the cliche plot and make it different. We'll see how I manage to do that (:

I think my English-skills are quite okay, at least my grammar overall. Spelling and punctuation are my biggest problems, but my lovely beta took care of those!

I was so happy to see this review was from you since I just adore your 'And All That Jazz'. I check every day if you have updated it (x so thank you for your kind words!

And reading fanfiction is always the best excuse skipping studying (x

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Review #39, by ShieldSnitch3Being Summer: The Eighth One Plus Another One

18th January 2012:
Grrr. I'm so mad at you, Ellie. There I was, all ready to study for my huge AP Chem and AP Calc exams that I have tomorrow when I saw this story pop up and realized that I missed two chapters. Grrr. And then, after I read said chapters, I didn't even get to find out about the Natalie thing! And then there was no Penny/Freddie! GRRR.

But I must say, I love Al already. Hehe I loved when he was all like, "I gotta go study for some History of Magic test or something." BUT WHY MUST HE BE IN SLYTHERIN? Ah, I don't care, I love him anyway.

Hm... let's see. Then James was being a stupid person and I was mad at him, and then Connor was too adorable. GAH he's so cute :D But he needs to man up and ask Dom to Hogsmeade. Like, now. He must do it now. Got it?

When is Hogsmeade coming? I want to see it :'( And I want to find out more about this Kyle character. He seems pretty sketch. Ha, it's funny because when James was talking about Kyle at the end it totally reminded me of this guy I know whose name oh-so coincidentally happens to be Kyle. FREAKY.

Yeah. Okay, I think that's all my thoughts sorted for now. But I would like to make a request. The Scorose. I want more Scorose. That's it for now. Reminder: Scorose/Preddiekaythanksbye.

Author's Response: nooo, dont be mad at me! that would make me reallyy sad :( im vair, vair sorry. still, i wish you the best of luck on your chemistry and calculus tests... urg, i hate tests :( IM SORRY ABOUT THE NO PENNY/FREDDIE. there should be some soon... ish.

i would love al even if he was the born-again remains of voldemort. any albus potter is too adorable for their own good. eh, and its not like anyone actually wants to revise for history of magic. thats like sitting down and trying to revise for physics on a saturday night. not happening.

james is a very stupid person. lets break into a maths classroom and start poking him with metre sticks. connor is my baby. he needs man up NOW, but i dont think hes going to. shame :(

hogsmeade is next chapter :) kyle is also in the next chapter (well, obviously) and we'll find out about him. you're right, that is very freaky-deaky.

more scorose coming up. i have quite a lot planned for those two (chuckles evilly). (thanks for the remind, ill try to keep note) thanks for the review,

ellie :) xx

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Review #40, by ShieldSnitch3Muggle Studies: On Your Bike, Sir

2nd January 2012:
Oh, Archie. Two of his favorite movies are The Notebook and Mean Girls. I LUFF IT! You go, Glen Coco :D

Dom and Fred. Grease dance moves. What's with them and dancing? Actually, I don't care. So funny.

Characterization was spot on again, although I feel we need to learn a little bit more about Spencer and Boris, they just sort of popped in. Of course, Spencer was sleeping, so not much you could do with that.

Ooh, and the witty character name trend continues! Xavier Boxton, that was just perfect. And I loved how he was taking notes during the movie that no one was watching. Sad part is, I know someone who writes a novel every time she takes down notes. Or really writes down anything, come to think of it. Your characters are so believable, so good job with that :)

Favorite line by far: "his own collection of teletubbies memorabilia contained nothing quite as exciting as a cake."

My only complaint? THERE WAS NO KEVIN. WHERE WAS KEVIN. I NEED KEVIN AND HIS SUAVE ATTITUDE. But overall, loved it again ;)

Author's Response: There were a couple of others too, but they were Disney ones (and disney aren't so hot on people using their stuff :P) - but, ahha, he loves a good old chick flick :D

Oh Dom and Fred just love having a good time, me thinks.

I'm planing on going around through several of his classes, but being Archie he doesn't have all that many - so you'll be back with Spencer and Boris soon enough (and of course a bit of Kevin - who can resist??).

Ahha, again classroom antics have been helpful! Thank you physics lessons!

And thanks for reviewing :D


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Review #41, by ShieldSnitch3Muggle Studies: iPod Injuries

2nd January 2012:
Okay, so I will admit that I only clicked on this because of the banner. Here was my thought process: "ROBERT DOWNEY, JR! APPLE PRODUCTS! GAH. I MUST READ THIS NOW!"

So I did. And I loved it! It's such a unique idea. Archibald is absolutely brilliant, so snide and blunt. The characterization in here was fabulous. I've only read one chapter but I feel like I can already distinguish the characters. All of the names were great as well. Johnny English (totally laughed at that one)! Goliath Lockhart! Franklinstein!

And Hugo. Oh, poor Hugo. Hermione's eagerness and Arthur's love of Muggles. Kid never had a chance to be normal. And then his ears were blasted (love that you stuck to canon, btw).

But I have to say, my favorite is definitely Kevin Pips. He's so suave :D

So many hilarious lines in this.
-"most of the time just seemed to think he was a rather aged student that they hadn't seen around much before. Or a sort of servant."
-"oh yes, he had 'Herman Goyle' which he was sure was going to be a truly delightful experience that would probably result in some rather intense counselling."
-"Archibald sank back on to his seat with a grin, nodding to Kevin as he sauntered out with far too much attitude for a thirteen year old." I LOVE ME SOME KEVIN!

And then Fred and Dominique's interpretive dance. I cannot express how much I would love to see that.

Very entertaining and clever. NOW I MUST READ ON!

Author's Response: You know what, that sounds like a really great way to find a fic to me. Although I supposed the credit doesn't quite go to me for the beauts banner, but... ahha ipods and RD Jr x3

Now, this was just so silly and ridiculous but I really loved writing it - so I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

Kevin Pips is actually one of my favourites if I'm honest... and I guess with having school-student characters in doss lessons I finally managed to get something out of Economics lessons :D

Thank you very much for this lovely review! I really appreciate it :D


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Review #42, by ShieldSnitch3Being Summer: The Seventh One

31st December 2011:
Hiii! So I saw you added me as a favorite author (thanks so much, btw) and decided to check out your stuff. I've seen this one floating around and I kinda always wanted to read it, so I finally did! And I'm glad. Me likey :D Now, be prepared for an insanely long review to make up for not reviewing on all the other chapters, kay? Kay.

James. I don't even know what to think about this boy. Gosh, he's so confusing. Like, I think he's into Summer, but at the same time, he isn't. GAH! And I'm really curious about that Natalie (that was her name, right?) girl. She doesn't seem evil... yet. But I just REALLY want to know what happened between them and if James liked her so much, why did he start snogging Summer a few days later? UGH I just want to know!

Ahem. Moving on. Freddie! Oh gosh, I just love him. He's so adorable and hilarious. And I totally ship Penny/Freddie. IT MUST HAPPEN. IT WILL HAPPEN. Heh. So... Penny/Kane. I know everyone's like, 'OMG why is she with him (when Freddie obviously lurves her)?' but I totally get where she's coming from. One of my friends is in a relationship that's sort of like that. Like, when he's sweet, he's the greatest guy on the planet, but then he goes and treats her like crap. And I know I'm supposed to hate Kane, but I just can't. There's got to be something wrong with him. Maybe bipolar disorder? I can't hate him for having some kind of psychological problem. Plus, I love his name.

Hm. I think that's it for now. No, wait! You have a Dom/Connor. So do I! It must be something about those two names :D Overall, very lovely, darling. Now I'm done. Seriously. I'm going to stop now. Bye!

Author's Response: i saw who wrote this review and i was like - :O - holy moly. i love your stories. im following all that jazz and absolutley love it, and ive been planning to read shenanigans as soon as im on hpff and remember. but i will remember. I WILL!

james is a very confusing person. he was with natalie for a very long time and then a couple of days after their unexplainable break up he starts snogging summer. and shes not particually evil, but there is a plotline behind her that is for a bit later in the story.

freddie! my baby! i love him too. i gotta say, im a penny/fred shipper too. penny/kane is a very complex thing, and i am trying very hard to write it in a way that it comes across properly, but it doesnt really shine through until about chapter fifteen (which i have planned, but not written). i have a friend who went through a very similar thing, but on a much smaller scale, and that was where the insipiration came from. and from the song 'love the way you lie part 2'.

kane is the name of my stepsisters son, and i love it too. why i used it for the 'evil' character, im not sure, but i love the name as well.

dom/connor! ha, i read all that jazz when i was on chapter 5 of this and when i realised i was like 'BRAIN TWINS' because we had the same names. someone messaged me on formspring to ask if they could use those two names as well. it must be a popular pairing.

thank you so, so much for such an amazing long review, and im really grateful. im glad you like it, and again, thank you so much :)

ellie :) xx

(ps, cant wait for the updates of your stories)

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Review #43, by ShieldSnitch3Starving Artists: Operation Hippogriff is Go!

20th December 2011:
Oh my goodness. I love this so much. It's just so... GAH! (and witty, and hilarious, and awesome) I cannot even express how much I love Scorpius right now. He's so woeful and angsty... The thing is, I totally know people like him. Actually, I totally know people who relate to all of the characters. Realism for the win! ANYWAY - the argument with Draco. That just made my day. I would kill (okay, maybe not kill, but do something extreme, like eat blue macaroons) to see somebody yell 'IT'S A METAPHOR' at Draco Malfoy! GAH. Wait... I already said that. Point is, I love this. And Scorpius. Yeah. That is all.

Author's Response: IT'S A METAPHOR, DAD! Haha, not my line, but one coined by Nar, who helped me out a lot at the start of this fic many moons ago. All credit goes to her (:
Thanks so much for reviewing, glad you like it!

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