Reading Reviews From Member: Beeezie
  
698 Reviews Found

Review #1, by BeeezieForbidden: Prologue: The Dare

19th February 2017:
Hey, I'm here for BvB! :)

You said that this is your first fanfic - wow, it's a really solid start! (And welcome to our ranks! It's awesome to have you, and even more awesome that you're a fellow Claw so I'll have lots of excuses to stop by your AP. ;) )

SO. Onto the review!

I really enjoyed this! Your Lily Luna is incredibly vivid - her personality just jumps off the page from her very first line, and it makes it really easy to get drawn into the chapter. She's snarky and sarcastic and a little insecure, and it fits perfectly with both what we know about her background going into the story and the dynamic you depict in it. I could easily see how having the family she does could inspire her internal monologue (which, again, is absolutely hilarious!), her desire to prove herself - and her ability to think on her feet. One of my favorite things about the entire chapter was the way you depicted how Lily reacts to stress. It's pretty clear that it's a coping mechanism to keep her from falling apart, and as someone whose coping mechanisms to stress often involve inappropriately-timed jokes, I loved it.

You also do a great job at introducing a pretty big cast of characters in a graceful and entertaining way. I got a good sense of who many of her friends and family are as people, and despite the size of the group, none of them came off as one dimensional - I'm excited to read more about them in later chapters, because you left a lot of room to develop them. And, despite the fact that stranding Lily in the Forbidden Forest without her wand was an incredibly stupid thing to do, the way you set it up made me believe it - they're dumb kids who don't really process the potential consequences of their actions. (And, after all, it's not like we didn't see that from Harry in the books!) Lysander is hilarious, and he's actually made particularly believable by Fantastic Beasts - I can totally see Newt being equally ridiculous! (Reasoning with acromantulas? Honestly, Lysander, what is wrong with you?!)

A little bit of CC as well:

While I love your dialogue and think that you managed to capture the personalities of the various Potter-Weasley cousins really well, it was a little difficult (particularly early on) to picture the scene and follow who was saying what. While you don't need to go overboard with description, I do think a little more context early on would have been helpful, as well as a few more dialogue tags/descriptions (e.g., "James said," "Albus was laughing now," "I pointed at James, Dominique, and Celine in turn," etc).

One other thought: you mention that James and Fred II look really similar. While you do reference genetics being weird and it's certainly true that it can be, there's a problematic history in fandom of white-washing Fred II and Roxanne, and while it's just one line in the chapter, it'll definitely stand out for many readers. I'd suggest just changing it to say that they have identical smiles or the same nose or something along those lines while acknowledging that Fred is mixed race. Again, fairly minor, but I think it's worth changing. :)

Overall, though, solid job! I hope this review was helpful! :)

- Branwen/abhorsen.

Author's Response: Hello :)

Thank you so much!

Lily Luna Potter is just so amazing, and she's a joy to write about. She has the protective tendencies of her mother and father, and a badly timed sense of humour :)

I love Newt so much, so how could I resist not reflecting a bit of him back in Lysander? And James is incredibly stupid for setting her that dare XD

Ah the James and Fred II bit! I meant that they were more similar in terms of personality :| but I put the word 'identical' in, so I see what's wrong about that. Sorry! Changing it asap, and I'll definitely keep an eye out for making my speakers clearer too.

Thaks for the lovely review!


 Report Review

Review #2, by BeeezieBetter Now Than Later: Better Now Than Later

14th January 2017:
Hey, I'm here for BvB!

And oh, dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

I really appreciated the characters you chose for this - I'd have never thought of pairing Marietta and Roger, but I absolutely love the way you executed it and I found them really believable as a couple. I also loved the brief reference to how attractive Roger apparently was in the books - you didn't overplay it, but it's clearly on her father's mind, and it really helped clarify what some of her parents' concerns were.

But to be honest, I think that what I liked most about this was that it decidedly was not good news. While I was on Marietta's side and wanted her parents to calm down and be reasonable - because yelling at her just could not end well for anyone - I could also understand why they were so concerned and opposed to the idea. She's only 17; of course they don't want her to jump into this, even though (with all the idealism in the world) she and Roger really do believe they can make it work.

This was a really lovely one-shot. Great job!

Author's Response: Hi!

So I didn't like the idea of Marietta and a random OC so since Roger and Marietta were both Ravenclaws and around the same age, I thought why not pair them together?

To be honest, I found it a bit hard to find a reason why Marietta's parents wouldn't approve, apart from her being too young. Marietta's case just seemed stronger when I was writing but I'm glad her parent's concerns could be understood clearly :)

Anyway, thanks for the review, feel free to do so again ;)


 Report Review

Review #3, by BeeezieNever, Not Ever: Never, Not Ever

10th January 2017:
Hey, I'm here for BvB! :)

This was an adorable one-shot. I'm a massive Jily fan, so as soon as I saw it on your page, I knew I had to jump on it right away. (Esp with no reviews?? What??!)

I really liked the fact that you definitely showed Lily having some interest in him from the start, even if she denied it to herself. That's always been my headcanon, too - that she never really hated him the way it came across at the lake, just found him to be a bit of an obnoxious jerk in addition to liking him. You walked that balance so well, and I liked the end result a lot. I especially liked the fact that her friends all knew that she was being ridiculous and lying to ourselves - I think our friends often know these things about us before we know them ourselves, and it also really fits with the idea that James was actually pretty popular among Gryffindors (which also always seemed to be the case).

The only little bit of CC I had was that while I really liked the repetition as a narrative device and found it to be really effective, I did wish that you'd framed it a little differently. As it is, it comes off as a tiny bit skeevy - almost like blackmail - and I think it would've worked a bit better if he'd said something like, "If I did, would you go out with me?" or something - really slightly different, but just a little reframed/restructured. :)

Again, though, this was a really fun and adorable one-shot, and I really enjoyed it. Thank you!

Author's Response: Hi, thanks for the review!

I think it's slightly unrealistic if Lily suddenly fell in love with James. I think she always liked him but was too stubborn to admit it. I think it would be very like James to say something like 'If I did, would you go out with me?' I'll just make sure I put something in like that next time I write Jily- I'm also a HUGE fan of them ;)


 Report Review

Review #4, by BeeezieHallowed: And Then There Were Two

28th December 2016:
Oooh - wordless magic wasn't a thing then (or at least wasn't widespread)? That's fascinating - it shows both how the Elder Wand was able to genuinely change the rules and how once Pandora's box is opened, sometimes it stays open for good. It's all about changing what one already believes is possible. Excellent job there - I love it when people work canon in like this. ♥

I'm not sure how to interpret Antioch here. Did the wand truly corrupt him beyond the arrogance and malice he showed before they met Death, and once he'd lost it, he was free of that influence? Or, was he just a frightened man about to die knowing that all his bragging was bluster? It's so hard to know, and I love how open-ended you left it. I also really enjoy how nuanced you're continuing to make Cadmus as a character - based on what he's saying here, he really wants to do the right thing, but knowing the tale, it seems likely that he'll succumb to the same temptation that led him to ask for the stone in the first place. That's so wonderful and so well-done.

I also love how complex the relationship between the brothers is. Ignotus and Cadmus really clashed in the previous chapter, and it's clear that Ignotus is quite frustrated with both his brothers. However, when push comes to shove, it's also clear that Ignotus cares deeply for them - and I have to wonder whether he'll be able to feel so philosophical about death with the loss of Antioch.

I wasn't quite as sure about Death's characterization here, though. While I liked the idea that Death never intended for his hallows to remain on the mortal world, I was confused about how Death could possibly know who killed Antioch but not that Antioch no longer had the wand. It would have felt more natural if Death had raged about Antioch losing the wand from the start, rather than after asking for it back. I also would have liked to see more of an explanation for how the cloak could doom Ignotus, since avoiding that was explicitly part of what Ignotus asked for.

Otherwise, though, this was another solid chapter, and I'm very sad there isn't more yet! Happy holidays! ♥

Author's Response: Thank you SO much! Yeah, looking back at everything now, sometimes I wish I had expanded more on Antioch before killing him off, but I think I ultimately decided to do it when I did because I have so much planned for the story with Cadmus and onward.

That is also awesome feedback to hear about Death's characterization! I actually had not considered that take on it, and that seems the more logical approach!

You provide such excellent feedback!! I cannot tell you how much I've appreciated your reviews. :) Thank you so much, and happy holidays!


 Report Review

Review #5, by BeeezieHallowed: The Demise of Ganon Blackthorn

28th December 2016:
Back for our holiday wishlist event! ♥

Yeah, so I really like what you're doing with Ignotus here. You're showing the first cracks in the kind, patient exterior we've seen over the past two chapters, and it's a really nice illustration that the effects of the hallows can spread far, far past the people who actually possess them. Ignotus should be snapping - his brothers are being foolish, and Cadmus is neglecting his son on top of it. That's a really awful thing to do, and my heart went out to both Ignotus and Tyrion. I can only imagine how Ignotus would feel if he saw how Antioch was behaving - it's like he's taken getting a wand from Death as an open invitation to be a terrible human being, and I'm finding myself wondering whether he was always like this, or if his hallow is corrupting him as well.

A little CC, though: while I felt like the interaction between Ignotus and Cadmus was very believable and fit in well with the story, I did feel like you did a little too much telling as opposed to showing in the scene. You emphasized that Ignotus was Tyrion's favorite uncle and that it was so out of character for Ignotus to talk to his brothers in this way so strongly, and while I think both points have a definite place in the story, I wish you'd showed them in a more subtle way (if that makes sense).

In general, though, this was another solid chapter. Amazing job!

Author's Response: Another!! :) You really committed to that wishlist. :)

Thank you for that CC! That's very, very helpful. I feel like I, at times, can overtell the situation. I know it is a fault of mine to not give people the benefit of the doubt and think that they will be able to put two and two together, so sometimes I feel like I have to really write out my point, but that's an excellent point about going about it more subtly! I will definitely consider that in the future. :)

Thank you again for your incredibly review!


 Report Review

Review #6, by BeeezieHallowed: The Eldest Foe

28th December 2016:
So this chapter has zero reviews? And I don't understand that at all? This is wonderful. What the hell is that nonsense about? Oh, well. I'm here to remedy that ridiculous misstep by silly people with another review for our wishlist event! ♥

I love the way the brothers are continuing to fall on a spectrum. I think there's a very real temptation to simplify the hallows to the wand and the stone being bad and the cloak being good, and you're continuing to resist that telling and show the nuance of it. Cadmus gave into the pain of grief, but he's entirely not void of common sense - he wants to handle their gifts in a quiet and pretty sensible manner. It works really well with how he ultimately meets his end (as opposed to Antioch), and it does absolutely give Death a more sinister air. I still think that you showed nuance in him, but Death did trick Cadmus to lead him to his death. There are no easy answers there, and since the stone really is so complicated, that fits well.

Antioch's personality is also continuing to remain consistent and thoroughly unlikeable. He's all about overt power and status - it's not enough to just have something that's powerful, he has to be able to control people with it and brag about who he hurt to get it. That's a very dark way to approach something so powerful, and it fits with the hallow he took possession of. I have a hard time mustering up sympathy for him, but that's not actually a bad thing - I always root for the heroes, and in this story, that's absolutely, without a doubt, Ignotus.

Great chapter!

Author's Response: Eeek!! You continue to make my day!! :) Thank you again for your feedback! Yes, I absolutely adore the Ignotus I've portrayed here, so I'm glad to hear that he's coming off the way I want him to! :)

Thank you again!!!


 Report Review

Review #7, by BeeezieHallowed: The Tale of the Three Brothers

28th December 2016:
I'm here to spread some cheer for our HPFT holiday wishlist event! ♥

So.

So.

Oh how I enjoyed this, LET ME COUNT THE WAYS.

First off: I've got a massive soft spot in my heart for other era fics as it is, so this is right up my alley and I'm super excited to read it on the basis of that alone.

Second: You did such an amazing job at making this genuinely feel like it was straight out of a very different time period. You did it with the dialogue, and you did it with the prose. I ended up getting completely absorbed in it, and I loved that to a ridiculous extent.

Third: Omg the three brothers. Even before they met death, their personalities were so, so distinct. I could see how Antioch would be so foolhardy and intent on beating Death from the start. To me, it came across that Cadmus made an incredibly foolish decision for reasons that were... I'm not sure if pure is the right word, but at least not malicious? But Antioch was about humiliation. That's a different and much darker animal, and it fits their respective hallows.

But Ignotus. Ignotus had the right of it, and you managed to make that clear without falling into tired cliches. Ignotus's request felt genuine and honest, and I really adored him for it - and I feel like that allowed you to show a side of Death that wasn't focused solely on tricking people and hurting them, however Ignotus characterizes Death's laugh as they ride away.

Great job. ♥

Author's Response: Oh my goodness!! Your review has just left me feeling all warm and fluffy inside!! Gosh, thank you so much for your kind words! I can't tell you how much I appreciate your thoughts. I really wanted their characterizations to be clear, and I really wanted to capture what the written story describes and stick true to it, so that really helps me out.

Gosh, thank you so much!! :)


 Report Review

Review #8, by BeeeziePeriphery: Introduction

27th December 2016:
Hey, I'm here for our swap!

Thus far, you're doing a really amazing job. This is a great introduction to the story; you've set the stage beautifully, with just enough information to help the reader get their bearings. I love the paradigm you've set up - parents who are uncomfortable with magic, a young woman just trying to do what's right - it's all really well done. Within a setting that's far removed from the war, you managed to allow Chloe to confront the war without making it feel jarring to the reader; instead, there's a very clear sense that Chloe is grappling with a lot of things on her own. Both her thoughts of James and Lily and her memory of Marlene is heartbreaking, and they make her lies to her mother seem not only reasonable but necessary.

And speaking of Marlene - what is up with that last line?? I think I'm particularly intrigued because this is AU - is Sirius a bad guy in this timeline? Was he using the Cruciatus Curse - presumably on someone on his side! - for another reason? I need to read more!

This is really excellent thus far.

Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks so much for agreeing to swap, I really enjoyed reading your fic.

The paradigm you mentioned will certainly continue throguhout the fic, and though things get a bit grim, I'm excited to get to writing them! Chloe will struggle with maintaining a relationship with her parents who are uncomfortable with magic, as you said, and also trying to work with the Order, who she doesn't fully back anyway.

Yes! You're so spot on with everything! Her parents' house is far away from the war both literally and figuratively. I'm excited for Chloe to feel stretched further and further between her two loyalties because, well, I just love torturing my MCs, haha.

THE LAST LINE. Man, I must be pretty sadistic because I get such a kick out of everyone's comments over it. Your guesses about Sirius being the bad guy are the most interesting so far, but I don't want to spoil anything!

Thank you again, so much. I really appreciate it!



 Report Review

Review #9, by BeeezieHero: Wake Me Up

23rd December 2016:
Oooh, nonononono.

Tom Riddle killed Noah. What. Noah must have been one of the kids he took to the cave! Oh, god, that is so twisted - is that why he's been hanging around Hero? Or at least, part of why? What is wrong with him? Ughhh Tom Riddle.

Also: poor Hero. That's such a shock, and her brother is such a selfish jerk. He clearly doesn't care about his sister at all and doesn't even bother to try to understand her feelings, and it's really upsetting. :(

Also: Hero, stop doing that. The girl is going to get herself killed if she keeps sticking her nose into things without bothering to wait for backup. It's unclear to me whether it's, like, a depressive-type deathwish or just that she believes that she'll be fine or something else entirely.

This is wonderful, though. Love it.

Author's Response: Thanks, Branwen! ♥

 Report Review

Review #10, by BeeezieHero: Mystery

23rd December 2016:
Your Tom Riddle continues to make my skin crawl... especially since even knowing that Tom Riddle is kind of evil and also the worst, I'm still finding myself feeling charmed by him. I can't even blame Hero. Yeesh.

Speaking of Hero, the intense skin-crawling I'm getting from Tom might be overshadowing how much I like Hero, and I want to remedy that - because I really do like Hero quite a lot. She means so well, but I'm worried that this is going to turn out so not good. :(

Also? Hagrid is heartbreaking. The end. :(

This continues to be amazing and incredible and wow.

Author's Response: Thank you!

 Report Review

Review #11, by BeeezieHero: Riddles in the Dark

23rd December 2016:
Oh god Tom Riddle is creepy. I'm not sure what his game is, and it's possible that he genuinely like her, but like... he's also so clearly using the fact that she's in a vulnerable position to manipulate her, and it makes my skin crawl. In a good way, though, if that makes sense?

This is so good omg. Amazing chapter.

Author's Response: Thank you!

 Report Review

Review #12, by BeeezieHero: Something Wicked This Way Comes

23rd December 2016:
This is kind of besides the point, but holy hell is Fireheart a wonderful artist. These are lovely CIs!

ANYWAY.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Hero, abort mission, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and get the hell away from Tom Riddle! He's so, so creepy here, especially since we know exactly why he was there and that he was responsible for the roosters. I can't believe him. (I mean, I can. But seriously, he's so sketchy - Theo is not covering himself in glory here, but Riddle just takes it to another level.)

Also, her family is terrible. Her brother is clearly a complete ass, and Forgiveness depends on your O.W.L. results? SERIOUSLY? She is a wonderful character and deserves a better family. :(

Ahhh this is addictive. ♥

Author's Response: Isn't Fireheart amazing?!

Thanks, Branwen!


 Report Review

Review #13, by BeeezieHero: One Day at a Time

23rd December 2016:
Hey, I'm here for our HPFT gift swap! ♥

I loved this so far. There's just the right level of intrigue, and I have no idea where this is going! My heart goes out to Hero to such a ridiculous extent - she's really in a such a tough place, and her brother is clearly kind of a jerk. Tom Riddle's presence makes me super anxious for her, though I'm not sure why (other than that he destroys everything he touches because he's the worst).

Amazing, amazing job. I'm already hooked!

Author's Response: Thank you! ♥

 Report Review

Review #14, by BeeezieIn The End: Chapter 3

18th December 2016:
Huh. I'm not totally sure I buy the idea that Sirius has more loyalty to a cousin that he only met a few months ago over Remus, who he was friends with for years - but I think I do like that Tonks thinks that that's where he's coming from, if that makes any sense, because I can see her mistaking the really complicated history they have for lack of affection. I also really like the way you have Remus holding firm on the kids issue and Tonks not really processing that - it ties in really nicely with DH. :)

Happy holidays!

Author's Response: OMG!!! Thank you! I'm glad you liked this! I will write more when I get the chance!!!

 Report Review

Review #15, by BeeezieIn The End: Chapter Two

18th December 2016:
Ouch. Yeah, I think that there are some very real hurdles that Tonks is just shrugging off, and while I get where she's coming from, I'm kind of on Remus's side here. That doesn't mean that it's not worth trying, but I wish she'd validate his concerns a little more rather than shrug them off. You're doing a really good job so far at presenting both sides of it, though - I can't wait to keep reading!

Author's Response: Wow, I am glad you like this chapter! I worked really hard on it!!! I'll write more during the holidays.

 Report Review

Review #16, by BeeezieIn The End: Chapter One

18th December 2016:
Hey, I'm here to spread some holiday spirit! :)

I really like the way you're looking at how the relationship between Tonks and Remus starts - it's something that just kind of gets dumped on us at the end of HBP without a lot of background or context, and since they really don't seem to have much in common, I was always curious about how it happened. I really like the way you made Tonks keep her own counsel here rather than confide in Sirius as well - I think there's a tendency in fandom to extrapolate "outgoing" to "open," when they're not quite the same thing. I can't wait to read on!

Author's Response: Thanks! I always thought this should be explored. I look forward to writing more.

 Report Review

Review #17, by BeeezieMistaken for Strangers: James Helps A Cat

13th February 2016:
Hey, J! I'm here for BvB. :)

I'm a bit at odds about this chapter. There were a lot of things I really liked, but there were also a fair number of things that came off as a bit awkward to me. I'll try to touch on them both, and hope that you don't feel like I'm being too harsh about the latter. :)

The good:

I really enjoyed the character development in this. While his family was included in a few parts (and wow - Lily really is terrible at naming things!), they definitely weren't the major focus, which did two important things, IMO.

First, it established a new tone to the story: while you've had chapters that didn't really focus on his family before, the tone of this felt to me like it wasn't just a brief respite before he had to wade back into them - it felt to me like the changes in his schedule were helping to distance him from his family in the longer term.

Second, it allowed you to really explore relationships James has with people outside his immediate family; Anna has been a common thread throughout the story, obviously, and Quidditch has been present throughout, but I actually found his interaction with Scorpius to be really interesting, and I wouldn't mind seeing those two spend a little more time together.

The awkward:

While I enjoyed the chapter overall, I didn't feel like the actual writing was really your strongest, particularly not earlier on in the chapter; the dialogue itself was generally fine, but the actions surrounding it didn't always flow very well, and it sometimes felt like your were forcing description in to break up the dialogue rather than because it genuinely added something to the story.

I also felt like your depiction of Scorpius's panic attack felt a little cursory - I can understand not wanting to spend significant space on it, but even so, I'd have liked to see a little more acknowledgement of time passing, even if it was as simple as a couple lines of summary rather than a full depiction of it (or just a reference to it being anxiety rather than a full-blown panic attack).

Overall, I did enjoy the chapter - I just feel like you could tighten up the writing a bit more. :happy:

Author's Response: Hey Branwen!

Thanks so much for this super helpful review. I'm not going to lie-- I think this is the weakest chapter of the story, and that's why I procrastinated posting it for so long. I probably should have done a full rewrite, but I just wasn't invested enough to do that, as terrible as that sounds. So don't worry at all about sounding harsh-- I was honestly expecting much much more criticism! You've really helped me develop as a writer and getting your feedback is very helpful. :)

This chapter is definitely the beginning of a change, as the first part of the story is really family-heavy, and the rest of it is much more about him breaking away (and the consequences thereof). So I'm glad you could kind of sense that!

He and Scorpius definitely develop their own relationship, which pops up a bit in this story and manifests in the Scorose spinoff I'm going to post when this fic is complete. If I had extended this fic further, I definitely would've gone a bit more in-depth on this, but I kinda switched away from making this story as long as I planned for it to be and so this is a bit of a loose end. Sorry to raise your expectations and not deliver!

The writing in this chapter is super super meh. Like I said, I've contemplated doing a whole rewrite of it, but I'm working on other things that inspire me more so I'm not sure if I'll get around to it. If/when I go back, I'll keep in mind your comments-- I've been having trouble pinning down what's so off about it, and what you've pointed out are great places to start!

I'll also keep your comments in mind about Scorpius-- I felt like I was already off on too much of a tangent, but I did want to keep it realistic, so it seems like I didn't find the right balance. Thanks for pointing that out.

I could definitely tighten the writing up a LOT more! Thank you so much for being honest-- I've been dreading getting feedback on this chapter because it reads so terribly to me, and you've helped me understand why I feel like that a lot better. :)

Seriously, never worry about being harsh on this story-- I have a lot of problems with it that I can't quite articulate and it's very useful to hear your criticisms. :)

--J


 Report Review

Review #18, by BeeezieMistaken for Strangers: James Buys Some Books

6th February 2016:
Hey, J! I'm here for BvB! :)

My heart went out for James here. It's one thing that certain parts of his personality have kind of gotten lost among all of the Weasley-Potter clan at Hogwarts or at family gatherings, but it's pretty clear at this point that even his parents don't really know him when he's not being loud. It's understandable, I guess, and I obviously don't doubt that they love him, but it is a little sad to see.

There was such a difference between his conversation with his mother (as well as with Leanne and Regan) and his conversation with Anna. Despite his slight hesitation in going up to her, he came off as far more relaxed once they started talking.

I found her relative lack of interest in his background a little strange, though. Not necessarily in a bad way, but it does make me think that he's more into her than she is into him. She's happy to engage if books are involved, but other than that, she seems to have limited interest in him. It's mind-boggling to me (characteristic, but still mind-boggling) that after hearing that he had so many family members at Hogwarts, she didn't follow up at all about who they might be. I'm curious to see how their relationship continues to progress.

A little CC -

There were a few points that felt a bit awkward to me. I felt like the paragraph starting, "Regan looked tanner, James decided" would have read much smoother if you'd just worked that description in when they were walking toward him. As is, it reads kind of like James is attracted to Regan, which I don't think was your intention.

Overall, though, I really enjoyed this chapter, and the juxtaposition between James-with-Anna and James-with-family is becoming more and more stark. I can't wait to see where you take it!

Also, just fyi - the dimensions for a chapter image are actually 380x300, not 300x380 - if you can change that asap, that would be great. :)

Author's Response: Hey Branwen, thanks for stopping by! It's always super helpful to hear what you have to say. :)

I agree that the degree to which James/his personality is so overwhelmed by his family is somewhat sad. To be honest, it's heavily inspired by my experiences within my own (large) family, because it's been really easy to get lost in the shuffle and a lot of the time, people expect me to be exactly who I was when they last saw me/when I was much younger. I've also thought about how hard it must be for busy people like Ginny and Harry to connect to their kids when they spend so much time away from Hogwarts, but I think over the story you'll see more of that. Family, as much as it overwhelms him, is very important to James, and his relationship with that really develops throughout the story.

I think it's also hard to relate to his family's reactions because we see such a unique side to him (when he's with Anna), but most of the time he's blending in with his family a lot more. While I was really into that perspective when I wrote most of the story, I realize that it's also limiting and casts a somewhat negative light on his family

I think Anna really lets him relax because there aren't many expectations or preconceived notions there. Your comments about her reactions to him have actually led me to go back and edit the chapter, because I was intending for her to be overwhelmed more than uninterested. I imagine her to be the type of person who goes over conversations in her head afterwards and thinks of lots of things she'd like to say, even though at the time she doesn't know what to do.

Thanks for pointing that out! I went back over and edited a few things. :) That difference is definitely a huge part of this story so I'm glad it's shining through!

I've gone back and just deleted the CIs (sorry validators-- well, sorry to you and your team, Branwen!) because they were never that great to begin with and it's not worth the effort to switch. Thanks for letting me know about that! :)

Thanks again for your helpful comments, Branwen! It's great to hear from you. :)

--J


 Report Review

Review #19, by BeeezieLetters to loving you: [one]

6th February 2016:
Hey, Anja! I'm here for BvB! :) It's great to have you back for it. ♥

I found your take on the Malfoys post-Battle of Hogwarts to be really believable and realistic. It makes sense that Draco and Narcissa might be held under house arrest; while they were certainly part of the regime, they weren't anywhere near as active in Voldemort's reign of terror as Lucius (and it makes sense that he'd be taken away, too - I just can't imagine him getting off). I also liked that you kept Harry's testimony believable and in keeping with what we actually saw of his perception regarding Draco and Narcissa. He clearly kept his testimony to the objective basics, which makes sense, and the fact that Draco clearly had had no contact with Harry while he was awaiting trial made his confusion when Harry showed up and testified on his behalf quite clear that he had no idea how far Harry had moved past their enmity from school.

I also liked the difference in his and his mother's sentences. I completely agree that Draco really shouldn't have been put in Azkaban - he was a kid, and I'm generally opposed to locking up people for things they did as minors if there's any other solution - but Narcissa was far more complicit and for a much longer period of time than Draco. She did deserve jail time - but the shorter sentence seemed reasonable, given the situation. I love Draco's sentence - I can't wait to see how you depict it!

I also found your take on their respective relationships with Lucius really intriguing, and I'm interested to see how you expand on that further throughout the story. We saw that Lucius was willing to go to great lengths to support Voldemort and that he was quite cavalier with the lives of others, including eleven year old girls about to go to Hogwarts. (Poor Ginny.) I can imagine how that might have manifested in different but still very stressful and anxiety-provoking ways for Draco, and given how devoted Narcissa is toward Draco - yeah, I can see that creating a significant rift.

There were a couple things that felt a little odd, though. In the paragraph starting, "I could feel the heat of blood rushing through my body," Draco referring to himself in the third person seemed a little odd - "my mother and I were locked up for good" would have made much more sense. I also wasn't sure why you didn't mention Dean - I'm pretty sure he was with Harry & co when they were captured, at least in the series.

Other than that, though, this was a great first chapter. I'm so glad you're a Claw again and I'll have more chances to read your stuff! ♥

 Report Review

Review #20, by BeeezieLa Bête Noire: quand l’étérnité finit.

28th January 2016:
Hey, Laura! I'm here for BvB!

I thought about stopping in on one of your other stories instead - I feel like I've left about half of them half-finished - but this caught my eye and I couldn't resist, so I guess I've got another one of your stories to add to my reading list. ♥

I adored this. It's so haunting and beautifully written - you're such an amazing author. There aren't many authors on HPFF whose prose can match yours, and you're at your best here. You captured Dumbledore so wonderfully here - this fits perfectly with his conversation with Harry at the end of PS. There's a veneer of serenity, but I could also see hints of a deeper and darker undertone. That's Dumbledore as we knew him in a nutshell, I think, and you've done a wonderful job in every fic of yours that I've read that attempts to capture a very complicated man.

I also love the way you characterized Flamel; he's got a very strong personality, and it's interesting to see Dumbledore interacting with someone who's genuinely an equal. I don't think we ever saw someone pushing back against him in canon, not really, especially not to his face - maybe Snape and McGonagall, but even they deferred to his judgment in the end. Flamel is calling him out in ways that are a little bit uncomfortable, and I love it. What he says about Fawkes is amazing. I need to know more so badly!

This review feels so insubstantial, but I just don't know what else to say. You're amazing.

 Report Review

Review #21, by Beeezieto the end of time: Move In

20th January 2016:
Hey, Claire! I'm here for BvB! So psyched to get back to this story - you know how much I love it.

I think that Padma has a really, really good point here, though I'm not surprised that Parvati doesn't want to see it. Yes, they lived together in school, but that was a very different situation in many ways, and (as Padma also pointed out), Lavender was in a very different place back then. This is a super messy situation, and while I'm obviously happy about it because it'll hopefully move them closer toward a relationship (oh, please have that happen!), it's something that I'd counsel my best friend against if she were to do it. (And, actually, have counseled my best friend against!) Of course, after she'd offered, it would be very, very difficult to just take it back, so I do understand why she's trying to look on the bright side once Lavender is actually moving in.

This is such a tough situation, though, and I feel like Parvati's feelings were probably what caused the impulsive offer in the first place - friendship is wonderful and they're clearly very close, but one consistent thread through this entire story has been that Parvati really, really wants Lavender's approval. This isn't the first time that she's been motivated by wanting to make Lavender happy no matter what, and I love the consistency of that even as they grow up and their situations change.

Amazing job. I loved this, and I'm so happy you're back!

Author's Response: Hey, Branwen!

Padma 100% has a point, but Parvati may have just a tiny blind spot when it comes to Lavender (if you haven't already guessed :P). When I came up with this idea, it made a lot of sense for them to live together and then when I was writing, I was like wow this is the crappiest idea, what are you thinking? Hence, Padma.

Speaking from experience, it's extremely difficult to not want your crushes approval, even if it isn't always the best option for yourself. I'm glad that it works for you in this story!

And you'll just have to keep reading to see if that relationship happens ;)

Thanks for the review!

Claire


 Report Review

Review #22, by BeeezieTroublemakers: Troublemakers

19th January 2016:
Hey, Panda! I'm here for BvB!

I loved this premise so much. Those are the best commercials, and they fit troublemakers like James and Sirius so well. And, while this may have been less intentional, I also liked the normalcy of this detention compared with Harry's detentions writing lines, which was quite a bit more sinister than this.

Of course, the tongue twisters are their own form of torture. Poor James - I can't believe she kept him at it for an hour! He's much more patient (and much better at tongue twisters) than I would be in his situation.

And then, of course, came the musical. If anyone would do something that absurd, of course it would be James and Sirius. Poor Professor Ginger - keeping someone at tongue twisters for an hour is cruel, but I'm not sure that even tongue twisters warrant a ball grown and confetti. :P

My only quibble is that I'm not totally sure that James would have been able to cast a talking Patronus while he and Sirius were still in school; I thought Dumbledore had invented that? The two way mirrors would have made more sense to me. Then again, the musical was so amazingly implausible that it doesn't even really matter, haha.

Overall, though, this was hilarious - I loved it. Amazing job.

Author's Response: Hey there Branwen!
Thank you for this fabulous review!

I really enjoyed making James do all of those tongue twisters. I can imagine him being patient about it but inside furiously boiling away. And Professor Ginger was just having too much fun!

I didn't even think about the talking Patronus happening after this. You are definitely right, the mirrors would make a lot more sense. I'll have to go back and change that when I have time. Thank you so much for pointing that out!

~Panda


 Report Review

Review #23, by BeeeziePride and Scorpius: Other Lessons

9th January 2016:
Hey, I'm here for BvB!

I really like the way you started this chapter - it makes sense that both lessons and the curriculum would have changed over the span of nearly two decades, and while her mother's notes must have been helpful, they're not a get out of jail free card, either. ... other than for Binns. Who really, really needs to get sacked already.

I loved that you have Rose struggle with learning charms - it makes complete sense to me that she'd have trouble with some subjects, and her complete lack of subtlety combined with her stubbornness makes this work really well. I also really enjoyed Scorpius mocking Rose over it - as I've said, I really wanted to see him needling at her without any obvious provocation, and this definitely qualifies - and it spurred her on to master the spell in a way that made a lot of sense.

The inclusion of goblin-made materials into the curriculum also works really wonderfully with the overall changes you've made in including goblins in this. My only concern was whether the goblins would really be okay with letting wizards in on their process to such an extreme extent - we saw a lot of paranoia early on. I'm sure you'll cover that appropriately going forward, though.

One quick nitpick:

While I've loved your world building overall, I don't think you've gone as far as you could - and, probably, you should - in creating new teachers. As I mentioned in the last review, it seems very strange to me that the Headmistress is still teaching an entire subject - doesn't she have other things to do? Similarly, Slughorn and Flitwick still being around seems a little odd.

Otherwise, though, great chapter!

Author's Response: So the last review in my list to do, so that you don't go through to the next chapter with unresolved 'issues' with my stuff - well meaning and constructive and good intentioned as the 'issues' are. ;)

And Hermione's notes. She took such good ones that I couldn't see them go to waste. It's also a part of my belief that the teachers would not have stagnated over that time period too, that they would have changed and for the better. So Hermione's notes are useful but not a quick fix.

Except for Binns. Yes, the awful teaching habits of Binns would have had him fired in any modern school that I know of. In some real ways, so should the teaching style of a certain 'evil potions master' have been rectified, if not curtailed. I have some plans for the history of magic lessons, don't you fear.

It is always a struggle for me not to love my characters too much and thus want to make them perfect or spare them some hurts that I know are necessary. For instance, there is a character that I haven't even written one line about, who is destined to die and I feel so sorry for them already.

So I had to give Rose some true weaknesses. She is a bit unlikeable, especially in her treatment of Scorpius, so that makes up some of her imperfections. But that is changeable, and will change over the course of the story - Rose will have a definite character arc where she improves in this area. Remember she is the one that comes to school with all the prejudice and not Scorpius, she has to be disabused of those notions if she is to grow and (hopefully) fall in love with Scorpius.

Anyway, I am getting off track. Charms is one of her weaknesses too. And fitting in with my reasoning, it is for a very good reason too. This is not exactly the case, but Transfiguration is more Gryffindor - you force your will upon the world - and Charms more Slytherin - you have to subtly coax the world into doing your bidding.

Is Scorpius mocking her, or is he not - that's what gets to Rose the most. We know that he is getting some sly measure of his own back at her continued nastiness towards him, but she only suspects it. It fits with each of their characters and also advances the character development of Rose too - a win win situation.

I liked the inclusion of the 'Making stuff' lessons. There are all these wonderful magical items in the wizarding world. Tech subjects are always a favourite with kids in school, I thought it was high time they learnt more tech subject than just potions.

As for how goblins feel about it, again this will be explained not in the future, but in the past. It is addressed in a very big way in an up coming chapter of Harry Potter and the Final Year. There are good reasons, both practical and political, for the sharing of these secrets. The main one of course being that it doesn't matter - the goblins can share the 'secret' all they like, only 'Smiths' can actually make 'goblin made' items, and they are very very rare. Perhaps I should say more about it in this chapter, go back in and add something along those lines to make it clearer.

And finally your nitpick. You would be entirely correct except that you have only seen the teachers who are teaching Rose. We are seeing this world of Hogwarts through the eyes of Rose. We have only seen her teachers. If these teachers were set to retire, and a lot of them will be over the course of this story, then they might share their classes with their replacements and ease the new professors into teaching. If so, then the old teachers would only take the easy classes and the classes that they had to - probably the OWL and/or the NEWT ones. That is what is happening. We shall see the new teachers in the chapters and years to come. For instance there will be a whole new Headmaster to come in the next year and I hope that my readers shall like him.

As of this response the story has had 5469 reads and this chapter has had 195, thank you all.


 Report Review

Review #24, by BeeeziePride and Scorpius: Rose's First Lesson: Transfiguration

7th January 2016:
I'm here for BvB!

So before I get to the rest of the review, I just need to say how much I enjoyed the mention of Garth Nix (as I'm sure you could have guessed, haha). Amazing author, though I would personally have been even more enthused if you'd mentioned the Old Kingdom series. :P

I loved how lost Rose got in her book - it's something that I think most readers have experienced. When I was a kid, my parents would have to call me to dinner about five times before I even processed it - I was just so absorbed in my book that I didn't notice that. That makes Rose's irritation with Scorpius feel a little more understandable to me here than it usually does - I was always a little temperamental after being interrupted, too!

I also loved the Transfiguration lesson - the way you explained it was wonderful, because it complemented what we'd learned in the books beautifully while still adding your own interpretation into the very heart of what transfiguration is and how it works. I loved the way McGonagall explained what makes transfiguration spells easier and harder, and the lesson felt more practical and tailored to the individual students' learning styles and needs than lessons we saw in the book.

A few issues did pop up for me, though. I'm not sure whether they'll be addressed in the future or not, but either way, I thought I'd point them out.

Initially, when Rose talked about being in Australia, I'd assumed that she meant for a visit. But then she mentioned primary school, which would presumably imply an entire year. I'm still a little confused about why she'd do that, and about why her grandparents are still in Australia at all - did they just decide to stay there after Hermione lifted the memory charm?'

I also do still feel like you could be doing a better job at absorbing us into Rose's emotions and response to Scorpius. Given how well you've done so elsewhere, it sticks out a bit when the crux of her irritation with Scorpius is "for some reason" - even if she can't identify what's annoying her about him, it would seem more realistic to me if there was some internal progression.

I also wasn't sure why the Headmistress was teaching classes - presumably she has other things to do, and Dumbledore never did. Maybe this is just a one-time thing, but regardless, I'd have liked that to be expanded on a little more.

Overall, though, another excellent chapter!

Author's Response: Chewing through these responses quickly because some of your criticism from the next review in line, should have been answered in reading a response to this one first.

I so knew that you would love the mention of Mr Nix, though it might not have been personally tailored to your particular likes. ;) It could have been any of his series - I like them all - but I referenced the Trouble Twisters series because it had more bearing upon the thoughts of Rose that I wanted to highlight, as well as being more appropriate for an eleven year old.

Yes, when Rose is interrupted she did get a bit testy. But did you see, that before she knew who it was she was inclined to be polite? Once she saw it was him, that's when she said what she did. The 'mental lag' left over from reading was also the reason that she said all that she did. She didn't really mean for it come all out, as she thinks to her regret later in the scene.

So the transfiguration is a bit of my head cannon mixed in with a bit of logic too. I'm really glad that it has struck a sympathetic chord amongst my readership. It also shows a reason for Rose to be so good at it. More will be developed about it along the way.

And McGonagall too, I really wanted to show that she hadn't been standing still as a teacher - that she had grown over the years. This also falls into one of the areas that you found a bit strange. I thought that I had made it clear in the chapter, but McGonagall is only really teaching this first year class and not terribly many others. She says - "I had less and less time to teach, but I was intrigued by you lot so I took on the first years for one last time." She might be also seeing her last NEWT class through to completion too, but Rose is unaware of it. I think that she is taking this class in particular, because Hermione was a bit of a favourite (as much as she showed that she had any) and I think that she would like to see just what her daughter would be like.

I not only like her as a character, but found that I really love to write her. She is such a joy to write, especially as how I have her retiring - she can finally let her hair down and show some of her Gryffindorness through that her strictness up till now has largely hidden. I always loved that bit in the books when she whispered out of the corner of her mouth to Peves on how to unscrew the chandelier during Umbridge's rein. I wanted to recapture that, especially with her treatment of Fred and James. We shall see a bit more of that latter.

The stuff about Hermione's parents won't really be discussed in the future so much as in the past. It will feature in an upcoming chapter of my other story set in the Post-Hogwarts era. But yes they did stay in Australia, and also Rose stayed with them for a year and did a year of primary school whilst she was there. There are a few reasons for this, but one main one is that there will be some 'Australianisims' that creep through my writing. They can be explained easily enough as being a product of Rose's stay there and that the story is being written through largely her point of view.

Part of the reason that there has been no real progression of her feelings for him is that there has really not been that much, progression that is. Remember, even though this is the eighth chapter, Rose has only known Scorpius for three days by this stage - it is the morning of the fourth day since they met. There hasn't been much time for anything to progress. Also it is for 'some reason' that she doesn't really know - for Rose that is. We all know, or hopefully I have made it obvious, that she finds him attractive, but doesn't understand what it is having never really experienced the emotion before and being incredibly emotionally naive (and a bit repressed to in that way).

As always, I'm glad that someone I like and respect liked my story - it is very pleasing to me. As of this response the story as a whole has had 5467 reads and this chapter has had 259, thank you all.


 Report Review

Review #25, by BeeezieA Stocking for Dobby: A Stocking for Dobby

7th January 2016:
Hey, I'm here for BvB! I hope it's okay that I'm reviewing this - I just clicked on one of your signature links, and had no idea it was so old until I read the A/N.

This was a really cute one-shot. I love the idea of Harry trying to raise awareness about house elves as well as tangible financial resources to help them. It suits what we know about him as a character, and it's particularly fitting that he'd hang the stocking for Dobby, who was so important to him in a lot of different ways even before he died trying to save Harry and his friends. It fit particularly nicely with the Weasleys' Christmas as we saw it in the first scene; the love and acceptance that was so clear from the gathering transitioned perfectly to Harry talking about Dobby, in a way that I don't know that anything else would have managed. The time skips forward to show that this was a widespread and ongoing thing, rather than a one-time awareness campaign that didn't reach far past Harry himself, made this so much more meaningful, too.

While I liked the concept overall, though, I wasn't entirely sure about the scene with Draco in particular - while I can see him donating money, depending on how one sees his character developing after the war, I had a harder time seeing a Draco who chose to marry Pansy Parkinson doing that, and it makes Draco's post-war life seem incredibly sad in the middle of a generally uplifting one-shot. It would have fit better, IMO, for either his mother to complain to him about it or for him to hear about it and do it on his own.

Overall, though, this was a very cute one-shot. Nice job. :)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this review. Yeah, this was written in my first year of fanfic writing and would be quite different if written now, especially the scenes with George and Draco. At the time, I didn't know that George ended up with Angelina or Draco with Astoria.

I definitely would have portrayed Narcissa softer, and Draco would have used it as a teaching moment for his son instead of doing it in secret. I believe he would have kept it anonymous still, but wouldn't have had the negative reaction from his family, except Lucius maybe.

I'm glad you liked the scenes with Harry and the Weasleys, I think I write them pretty well, and I've always had a feel for Harry's voice. I don't think he'd want to free all the house-elves, but helping the mistreated ones find better employment is something he'd definitely do.

Thanks again, much appreciated.


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>