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Hey, there, it's EvanAsh with your review!

First of all, I would have squealed in a most unmanly manner at the premise of this story if I hadn't been in the library at the time, so that's always good. XD I'm not a fan of Fenrir per se, but I do love werewolves (the darker and more conflicted the better) and minor characters getting their fair share of the spotlight, so I'm very happy that this story exists. On with the review!

Again, I love the premise of this story and I think you did a great job of introducing just enough of the plot to intrigue, but not so much that it takes away from all of the character introductions. That being said, there were an awful lot of characters introduced, and I can't even remember them all much less keep them straight in my head. Josie and Fenrir were wonderful. I love how Fenrir is simultaneously the monster and the one whose "job" it is to be scared of the monster, which makes perfect sense. I think you're showing that inner struggle very well. I also like that Josie is shown as a strong character, with serious concerns, but that doesn't keep her from having crushes. A lot of times, writers seem to use crushes as a way to show that a character is flighty, or they'll have a strong character react to their crush in an unrealistically dismissive way, so I like that you've done something far more believable here.

I did like all of the character interactions, which I know you said was a concern, but my issue is just that although they all seemed very realistic and well-developed while they were onstage, so to speak, there were so many new ones in a single chapter that once you moved on to the next one, they started getting scrambled in my head. I assume that they all will play major parts in the story, so you definitely do want to introduce them quickly, but I think it might be possible to introduce them a little less quickly, with more space in between. That way, you might even be able to make their introductions more meaningful anyway. One thing I did notice was that the names were all very distinct from each other, which did go a long way to helping me keep them straight, just not as far as I'd have liked. I'm not sure if you did that on purpose, but it worked.

As for the plot, so far it sounds fantastic and it seems well-suited to the characters, none of which seem like they would easily fit into a lighthearted or black-and-white sort of story. I know it'll probably come later, but I would like more explanation about what exactly happened with the werewolf and what the consequences are. Because if someone was hurt, then either someone's getting into some sort of trouble for it or there needs to be an explanation why not.

All in all, I really like the story. You're a very good writer in terms of things like spelling, grammar and structure; it flowed easily and I wasn't tripped up by a typo even once. Sorry if I rambled a bit, but what with your flattery and the wonderful story, I got a bit excited. ;)

Keep up the good work!

- Evan

Author Response

Hello, and thank you so much for the wonderful review! :)

Let loose the unmanly squeal; scare the poor librarians! :P I've always loved werewolves, though Remus is too nice, so Fenrir was the next best werewolf. This is an almost entirely OC/Minor character story, mostly because they don't have nearly enough stories written about them.

The next chapter is almost entirely there to let readers know who the characters are, but I still wish I could find a way to better introduce everyone as they are really confusing. Josie's different from anyone I've ever written, because she's definitely in the gray areas, as well as all of the characters, so it took me a while to get her weakness down, but I'm glad you thought she's believable. :)

The names were my attempt at making them different from each other, (I love the Lord of the Rings, but they have taught me a lot on naming characters!) but I will try to give some more space in-between all of the introductions so readers can figure out who everyone is with more ease.

The thing that happened with the werewolf is something I have been thinking a lot about, and Fenrir's reactions to being a werewolf are really tied into the story, but I think I will try to bring up that particular time closer in the story because it is definitely one of the things I worried most about in this chapter.

Yay for good spelling and grammar! That was one thing I really focused a lot of time and effort on in this and I'm really glad it proved useful! No real rambling so don't worry about that, and I'm glad you enjoyed it! I will definitely be coming back for another review! :)

-ginger

Hey there, it's EvanAsh from the forums, here with your review!

Overall, the prologue was intriguing, at least enough for me to want to read the next chapter, which is, of course, what you want. XD However, it did seem like you were trying to introduce too much information too abruptly. You were doing all sorts of characterization with Draco, giving the backstory on what happened to his parents and introducing the plot of this story all in the space of a few short paragraphs. If you stretched it out a bit, perhaps having Twiggy want to tell him about the person in the cellar, but Draco ignoring him and not wanting to be bothered (and then being all, Stupid elf, why didn't you say so?) then not only would it up the suspense factor, but you would have more room to set up the story without it being blatant.

Some of the characterization seemed unrealistic to me, not in the usual sense of it not matching Draco (it did match him, very well in fact) but in the sense that it's not realistic for the point-of-view character (Draco himself) to notice these things so exactly. In particular, the bit where it goes: <i>"...if he could even feel emotions as acute as a human, Draco thought."</i> It's definitely an opinion that Draco is sure to have, but I don't think it's one that he would consciously consider. He would just sort of accept it to be true and act accordingly.

Other than that though, I really enjoyed this chapter and the ending was lovely because, this being an AU piece, I really couldn't tell which question was actually being answered. (I glanced at the other reviews after writing this one, and that question's been cleared up, but it's still a nice cliffhanger. ;P ) I also liked how you expressed Draco's feelings towards the cellar. Very believable.

Keep up the good work!

- Evan

Author Response

Thank you for doing this!  I think I was so busy trying to make Draco in character I was trying too hard and so probably went a bit overboard to the point of blatant but thanks for picking up on that :)

Hey! EvanAsh from the forums, here with your review.

I have to say that I fell completely in love with the story concept before I even started reading. I love the classical world (also the renaissance world, the Victorian world... okay, I love history :P ) and since I also love gray morality, this looks like it's gonna be my kind of story. Okay, on with the reading now.

I don't think I'll be able to judge the impact of the prologue completely until I see at least the next chapter. I have a general idea of how it fits together, but I'm not sure if I'm right. Anyway though, since in the prologue, Grindelwald is dead, and in the summary he's a main character, it makes me think that the prologue is set in the future of the rest of the story, in which case I'm really glad that it's there. Many of the things in the prologue are familiar to me from the actual story of Julius Caesar, etc., but for someone who doesn't know much about that part of history, it ensures that they will get the same impact of foreshadowing later. For instance, hypothetically if this story didn't have a prologue, but I was able to figure out the connection between Grindelwald and Caesar anyway, then later on, I would know in the back of my mind already that Grindelwald was going to be assassinated, but someone unfamiliar with classical history wouldn't. But because the story does have a prologue, they'll still have that same "oh no, oh no, here it comes" in the back of their minds that I will. XD So in that sense, it's a good prologue and definitely fulfills its purpose.

But even for someone who does already know the story, it's very entertaining. I wish there was more information about how exactly the classical story is merged with the more modern wizarding world though. I guess that'll probably be more explained in the later chapters, so maybe it's good that I'm craving more explanation. XD As long as it's made more clear in the next chapter, maybe two, then it's good suspense, but if I'm lost for much longer than that, then... I'm just lost.

Other than that, I really love your characterization. Even though it is a bit AU, it's not completely so. Tom is still recognizably Tom, and I love the legilimency bit. (That was legilimency right, with the finishing of thought-sentences? XD) Even though it's completely alternate history, that part and the fact of him using Portia's love almost as a weapon makes me still feel like it's Tom, not just someone with Tom's name and looks. Also, it's just occurred to me, but I really like that you picked Grindelwald to mirror Julius Caesar. Even apart from the charismatic leader bit, they're both people that it would have been extremely dangerous to take on honorably, so to speak. For Caesar, it was just the fact that he had so many supporters, but with Grindelwald, there's the bit about the undefeatable elder wand. Did you do that on purpose, and does it play a part in the story at all?

Mostly I'm just intrigued here, and really can't wait for the next chapter, so keep up the good work, yes? :P Sorry if I rambled a bit...

Happy holidays!

- Evan

Ooh! I almost forgot. I got Mark Antony/Tom and that Portia was Gaius Octavian, but completely missed/forgot about Cleopatra. Also, I get the feeling I made a lot of suppositions and guesses in this review, so just ignore the bits that don't actually apply. XD I'm definitely the kind of person who tries to figure out whodunit, so to speak, and that goes for everything I read, not just murder mysteries.

Author Response

Hello EvanAsh!
Wow. What an awesome review! Thank you so much! Your feedback was just amazing. I really appreciate all the time and effort you put into this review. Honestly, I cannot thank you enough.

I'm so glad you enjoyed the opening chapter. In truth, I don't think opening chapters are my strong point. I think I rewrote this one at least three times before posting, haha. 

And I'm absolutely thrilled to hear that you like the concept of this fic. I'm a huge history nerd and I've always loved classical history. Plutarch's "Lives" was one of the first historical texts I read in college and it left quite a strong impression on me. Initially, I favored Caesar exclusively, although now I can at least appreciate some of Antony's achievements, most of which inspired me to write this fic. ;)

As you mentioned, the general purpose of the prologue is to foreshadow. Most of the story will take place ten years before the prologue and will somewhat parallel the events featured in Plutarch's Lives of Caesar and Antony. However, because this story is set in the wizarding world, there will be some notable differences. After all, Caesar didn't have the advantage of being a wizard, hehe. ^_^ 

There will definitely be more explanation as to the AU aspects of this fic in the following chapters. The next installment picks up during the post-WWII era and will slightly mirror Caesar's war against the Gauls. Again, the story won't be an exact copy of Plutarch, but rather, will be flavored by classical history...if that makes any sense, haha.

I'm so happy you enjoyed my characterization of Tom in this chapter. I know I made him incredibly Mark Antony-ish, but I still wanted him to maintain the cold cruelty he displays in JKR's books. And yes, he was using legilimency on Portia, although to be honest, he probably didn't need it, since he knows her better than anyone else.

As to why I chose Grindelwald for Caesar, I was mostly drawn by the parallels that already existed in JKR's canon. I know Grindelwald did raise an army in an attempt to create his own wiarding empire (much like Caesar) and I do think Caesar would agree with his "For the greater good" motto.

And Portia, I think, is mostly based on Gaius Octavian, however, her fatal love for Tom is somewhat Cleopatra-ish. 

This review was fantastic, EvanAsh. I am so grateful for your feedback. Thank you! You really boosted my confidence. I do hope you have a great holiday! Take care!

Best,
celticbard

Hey there! EvanAsh from the forums, here with your reviews.

First of all, I really like your chapter title and I hope you plan to make it a trend. It's amusing and it definitely helps to mark the story as a lighter one. You mentioned that it's a new genre for you, but so far, I think you're approaching it well. Of course, I also tend to be a darker writer, so I might have a bit of a biased view on tone. XD

I like the characterization of Molly's boss and co-workers. They're fairly flat, of course, but as long as most of the story takes place outside of her workplace, that should be fine. If they show up more frequently though, I think I'd like it if you rounded them out a bit more. I'd also like to note that I just love the fact that Molly doesn't have a cool job, so to speak. Seems like just about everyone is an Auror sometimes. XD

This line is a bit confusing: "I had the most welcomed urge to set her hair on fire but not today." And "Other than my cousin Roxy, Lucy always knew what I was thinking," should be "Just like my cousin Roxy," or something similar. Also, there's a bit of tense fluctuation, especially around "Today is a new day... in which I would." It seems like you slipped out of past into present just a little.

All in all, I really like the beginning of this story. It set up Molly's situation perfectly: not only her characterization, but also her motivation. It really means a lot to her to make it on her own, and the reader can actually feel that, they aren't just told, so it makes the reader care about how it all turns out a bit more. The characterization does seem like it could be more rounded in future chapters, but it's rounded enough that I care about the main characters, and that's good enough for a beginning. I have to say that I think it's really interesting that Molly has this impression of herself as completely hopeless at everything and always behind, even in looks, and yet Molly is the one who keeps getting called at. Not exactly the compliment that most women hope for, of course, but it does make me doubt Molly's evaluation of herself. XD

Keep up the good work!

- Evan

Author Response

Hey, Evan! Merry Christmas :)

Haha, I'm glad you like it. I do hope to have the rest of the titles like this, just as long as I come up with something witty enough. I find I can't completely get away from the angst so there may be some in here.

Mr. Stebbins and Beatrice, lol. Well, I understand your point about the flatness but I just needed to have some sort of basis for Molly's working environment so that's where they came in. They will be mentioned again but not as often. However, I will try to 'shape' them into something more substantial. And yes I know! Aurors are apparently very popular career choices. I'm trying to make her as realistic as possible, hence I made her a temp/secretary.

Thank you for pointing out those lines. I was a bit worried about them, to tell you the truth, especially the first one. But I will go see what can be done with them. As for tenses, they will always be that very spiky thorn in my side. Ugh!

Everyone has this point in their lives when they want to figure things out for themselves, they want to stand on their own two feet and tackle all that life throws at them. In this story, Molly, as you said, wants to do all those things but first, she has A LOT of things to learn. Stuff like this does not happen overnight, so by the end of this novel(la) she may be almost there. In a way, I'm channelling a bit of myself into her.

Honestly, a lot of females are like that. But let me address Molly here: she is a bit insecure and self-conscious. Clearly, her perception of herself  is painted harshly negative and as I said, she has a lot to learn and a lot to accept. The moment she does that is the moment where she can gain enough confidence to see herself differently and do things she's never dreamed of doing.   

LOL, no. Women don't particularly like that...especially from burly construction men ;) And if you doubt Molly's evaluation of herself, chances are, other people will too. I'm really glad you pointed that out, actually. =] I'd love to see what you think about her in the other chapters!

Thanks for reviewing! Hope you enjoyed your Christmas ^_^

Lia

Hey there! EvanAsh from the forums.

I'm going to start this with a bit of a disclaimer. I am inherently prejudiced against the idea that Voldemort has a daughter because I cannot think of and have never seen a real plot-related reason for a character being his daughter other than "it makes her automatically bad-ass and saves me from thinking of an actual character reason for her to be dark yet deep-down really really good" which I feel tends towards Mary Sue territory. That's not a critique in itself. It's certainly possible for this to be pulled off well. It just means that you should expect my judgment to be a little harsh.

That said, there are a lot of things about this story in particular that I find unbelievable. To start with, I don't understand why it should be immediately obvious to anyone that Maria was a new Death Eater, when all Death Eaters were masked and efforts were always made to keep their identities hidden. Since the only way they'd be able to know if she was a Death Eater at all is if she was wearing the mask, how do they know that she isn't just an old Death Eater whose identity they still don't know? For that matter, how do they know that she's twenty years old? Or female?

I also don't think that it makes much sense for her to call herself the Dark Witch. A dark witch is any witch who uses dark magic: the female equivalent of a dark wizard. It would be like calling one's self "The Bad Girl." The Dark Lord makes sense, since there's only one dark lord, at least at any given time, and only the Death Eaters ever called him that anyway, and they would certainly only have given their allegiances to a single dark lord. But Knockturn Alley is full of dark witches and wizards, so it just isn't distinctive enough to mean any one witch in particular. I don't quite understand why she has her own mark either, if she follows her father. Later on, Dumbledore seems to imply that she's nothing more to Voldemort than a particularly powerful tool, which is the only thing that makes sense, given that he is a sociopath. So I see no reason why she should be treated as anything more than another Death Eater, and not even the most favored of the Death Eaters ever had their own marks. Everything was Voldemort's doing, basically, and they were just what he used to accomplish it. The carpenter doesn't give partial credit to his hammer.

Her mysterious powers are still making me think Mary Sue, but if there's a good enough justification of that later on, then it's not necessarily condemning on its own. However, I have a very hard time accepting that she was an assassin at thirteen, much less one skilled enough to even <i>almost</i> beat Dumbledore's defenses. And I <i>really</i> don't believe that even after that, she was still allowed to attend Hogwarts at age seventeen, particularly since we've never heard of anyone at Hogwarts who didn't start at age eleven.

Other than that though, I think you do a very good job of blending the non-canon elements into the canon story, with Dumbledore's letter to Harry, Slughorn's memory/memories, etc. Even though the story is obviously AU, mentions like that help to give the reader a sense of time and connect them back with the familiar world of canon. I'm sort of intrigued by what connects Maria to Becky (it seems like they're possibly the same person, but even if that's true, it's still interesting how she got there), although I think you should also be careful with her on a couple different fronts. Again, with the special powers and unique circumstances, you're going to have to work hard to make sure she doesn't come across as a Mary Sue. More importantly, however, since you seem to be saying that she actually does have some mental/emotional disorders, although not as many as the Muggles think she does, you're going to have to work very hard to make it realistic. Not only because an unrealistic portrayal would stretch believability, but because it could potentially be very offensive.

That's a lot longer than I expected it would be. XD Sorry if I rambled a bit, and I hope you find at least some of it helpful. As always, feel free to ignore it if you don't. ;)

Keep writing!

- Evan

Author Response

Hi :) 

That's perfectly fine. There is a reason that Voldemort has a daughter, it's not especially plot related, well I guess it is to an extent. 

Maria is not a really really good character, well in my eyes and I know I'm biased. That's actually what she struggles with the most at points (er...much later) is that she's really not good, especially compared to those around her and that her default setting can be too much like her father's and that's something that's just...her. 

Harsh judgment, okey-dokey. I am prepared *holds breath* 

Maria is a rather arrogant and flamboyant character, so is Voldemort to an extent, and she could care less if people knew who she was. In fact, that was the whole point, she wanted them to know. She fought on the side of the death eaters and, occasionally, led them. Which is how she was recognized as a new Death Eater, she burst onto the scene and fought alongside them. How they didn't know she hadn't donned a mask in the past is because she looked young (too young to have been a Death Eater earlier) and didn't seem the type to have done so, since she didn't care enough in the current time. Twenty years old was an estimate on their part, I shall add that in. They knew she was female because of her lack of mask. 

Point well taken. I don't think she really put much thought into it or that Voldemort would have approved of her calling herself the Dark Queen or something. He considers her...special...but still very much beneath him. Anything more than witch he would not have approved of.  As it not being distinctive enough, it became so as her reputation built and she claimed the name for her own.

Voldemort does value her as nothing more than a powerful tool, there is no love on his part at all. He does, however, has his reasons for seeing her as special, reasons that he attributes to himself, but he does have them and that is why she is treated higher than the Death Eaters. That, however, is something for a later chapter. 

Maria was allowed her own symbol to attribute to her ability. He wanted her feared as well as him, though not as much. But enough to frighten people severely as his favorite weapon.

There is justification for it, it too shall be explained later. It's also the reason Voldemort considers her special, he made it so, according to his logic. Maria was conditioned from birth to be the perfect weapon and nothing else by Voldemort as well as trained to use her extra abilities. She knew of almost nothing else, but fighting and a strong desire to please her father. Those things alone gave her skill, in addition, she hardly approached Dumbledore in a fair fight. Maria's the type who would take full advantage of surprise, especially against a stronger opponent.

Maria was allowed to attend Hogwarts solely because of Dumbledore and his curiosity, as well as his desire to 'help' her, despite his better judgment. Which I think is in character for him.

Thanks, I really worked on blending the two together, and yep that's what it's there for. I still want the sense of canon and the time is very important to the story. 

I'm glad the Maria and Becky connection intrigues you. Their connection really is the heart of the story. Yep, I realize that,and hopefully I can pull it off because I would hate to see her become one. I realize that too. I love psychology and the inner workings of characters, so yep, working hard there too. I want her to be realistic, but yes, she does have less disorders than the Muggles think, but she does have a lot of issues to work through.  Hopefully I never become offensive with the story. I do not want to be.

I did find it helpful. I always like other viewpoints and you did hit on a lot of my concerns, so thank you and thank you for your review.

Hey there! EvanAsh from the forums here with your requested review. XD

I don't really read Rose/Scorpius fics, first of all, so you probably know much better than I do what all of the clichés to avoid are. Aside from that, though, there are a few things that I found simply unbelievable. First of all, the Gringotts break-in. We know that it's possible, but just because it happened twice (once into an empty vault under presumably low security) doesn't mean that it can happen casually in the future. If anything, the goblins are probably even more strict on security now. That doesn't mean it can't happen, of course, especially with a new powerful group of dark wizards and witches, but the way that you presented it seemed unrealistic to me. If this new group is so powerful that it's breaking into Gringotts, then I would expect a lot more fear and tension in the atmosphere that I just didn't get from Rose's perspective. (And even though we've established that she's stoic, I would still expect to see it in subtler ways, and for her to be seeing it in other people.) I know that this is mainly a romance story, but approaching the subject of this extremely powerful dark group via Valentine decorations makes it seem like fluff or comedy, which is not exactly what you want in this story.

I also just do not buy that the valentine decorations were courtesy of the goblins. It seems like the sort of thing that a house elf might do, but from what was shown in the books, it would most likely go against a goblin's dignity.

The bit about Scorpius training overseas to be an Auror also seemed unlikely to me, for the same reason that, for instance, the United States military forces train in United States military academies. Other governments are set up in different ways and would emphasize different skills for their candidates. It seems very unlikely that Scorpius would be able to get the training he needed as a British Auror from any other place in the world. I understand that the plot needs him to go away for a few years, in order for him to come back completely different from how Rose remembered him, but I think that there are better ways to do this. For instance, what if he went away before training for a year spent touring the European continent? Or after training, if one of his parents died, he could take some time off and travel then. That would also allow you to approach the topic of him being a Malfoy, and how he deals with it.

Once I got past that, however, I really did enjoy this chapter. I like the combination of romance with adventure, because frankly plain romances tend to bore me, and I always support writers who want to branch out into new territory. And that ending was a great cliffhanger. I have so many questions and I will definitely be back to read the next chapter. XD

Hope you found some of this helpful. Feel free to ignore it if you don't. ;)

- Evan

Author Response

Hi! Thank you so much for the extremely helpful review :)

I can completely understand the unbelievability with the Gringotts break-in, especially with how I presented it. I think I'm going to go in and try to edit some of it (when I get the chance and when I figure out how). 

I think I definitely made a few things unclear - like, I wanted to make the new, powerful group do something really drastic (break in at Gringotts) then disappear from the public completely, gaining 'underground' support - never really going into public. So now, this story set a few years after that, there is no outright tension but more underlying 'when will they come out to the public again' tension. 

Also, I'm going to try and fix this, but I didn't really mean for Rose to come out as stoic person, just with some stoic tendencies ... (I have no idea if that made sense..) She's actually quite warm and nice but tends to suppress strong emotions. I'll have to fix that :)

I think I tried to give it a more comedic approach with the Valentine's Day decorations because I'm going to try to show the changes between the beginning - where the supporters are more underground - to when the supporters come out in public. 

I also do agree with the goblins and the decorations. But, I think I was just trying to bridge the Valentine's Day decorations to the wizards taking over the security at the bank.

And the idea of Scorpius leaving to travel because of the death of a parent is pretty awesome. It would definitely give me some interesting things to explore. 

I definitely have some thinking and rewriting to do. Thank you so, so much for reviewing and bringing to my attention all these things. I don't know why, but I just didn't seem to catch them, and I think with them fixed/figured out, it'll bring a lot more to this story!

Thank you so much again!

Hello again!

Being such an amazing writer makes it very difficult for reviewers, you know.

Author Response

hey Evan
thanks mate and no worries, I got the rest of your review!!

Kate

Hey there! EvanAsh from the forums. Sorry for taking a bit long. Did you make the banner and chapter image? Because they are <i>amazing</i>. XD If not, then I really need to know who did, 'cause I need a banner for <i>my</i> new story and... *cough* Well, let's just talk about yours for now, yes? :P

I love your writing. It's sophisticated, but not unclear, and it's really just wonderful to read and easy to understand. I also love the premise, and a lot of this chapter was basically info dump (understandable and probably necessary) but you managed to keep it interesting. For the most part, anyway. Towards the end it started to drag just a tiny bit, so I would suggest maybe moving up the new mission part, and then working the information about For Humanity into that?

Lovely name, by the way. For Humanity. And the idea of magic needing a cure. Reminds me a bit of the X-Men, especially since you mentioned that part about people starting to think that Lord Voldemort had the right idea (Evil Mutant Brotherhood!), but not in a derivative sort of way. Plus the X-Men was based on RL parallels anyway. Speaking of the Evil Mutant Brotherhood perspective, I like the fact that even Rose, the presumably "good guy" protagonist, sympathizes with that opinion. It makes it less of a "these are reasons why people support Voldemort again" and makes it clearer that Voldemort and the purists are not at all the enemy anymore, it's the Muggles.

There were a few minor things that I thought needed tweaking. First of all, where you mention her age and say she's already tired, you might want to change that to something like, already feeling so old. Because I had to read it confused me the first time I read it, I thought somehow you were referring to the time of day. Three o' clock and already tired, sort of a thing. XD It also bothered me for some reason when you said that the reason was fear, nothing deeper. To me, fear is a pretty deep thing - arguably as deep as or deeper than anything but love. Perhaps, nothing more reasonable, or just nothing more?

You mentioned it's a new genre for you. I think you're handling it exceptionally well. I definitely get that spy thriller feeling (even though I must confess that I don't read a lot of them, I have read <i>some</i>) and it's very believable so far. I think if you went into a little more detail about the mission objective, this chapter might be more hooking, but it's also quite good as it is.

Keep up the good work! I hope some of this is helpful, and I'd also quite appreciate it if you took a look at <i>my</i> author page. *winknudge* Only if you want to, of course. XD

- Evan

Author Response

Hi and no need to apologise! Thank you for taking the time to read and review!

I did make the banner and the chapter image, so thank you again for the lovely compliment ^_^

Thank you for everything you've said in this. I agree with you about most of it, and I will definitely take your suggestions into consideration xD

I am glad you like the name For Humanity. I thought long and hard and I wanted something that held a double-meaning. The X-men? Cool xD Ive seen the movies but never read the comics so I don't know anything other than what the films present.

I'll take a look at the age thing - I never thought of it being read that way so thanks for pointing it out!

Fear is the only thing Rose can see as the motivator at this point, but her opinions soon change later on - she realises that there is much more to it than that. so at this stage, that is her error in judgment ^_^

thank you - I don't tend to read this genre myself, but I watch a lot of it on TV and such. The mission objective is described in more detail in coming chapters - I didn't want to overload with everything straight off.

Thank you so much for taking a look at this and if i find time, I shall swing by your page for a look!!

Kate

Hello again!

Let's see... I think you should mention somewhere exactly how long Scorpius was out for. The conversation doesn't seem to have gotten very far in his absence, so it wasn't for long, right?

And I'm still not sure that Scorpius should know about so many Muggle things, but you're clearly doing it on purpose, so I will just wait for explanation on that. Rebelliousness, perhaps? XD

I like that the angel has absolutely no sense of irony. XD Especially this part:

<i>“It’s fine. I was pre-warned of the cynical and sarcastic mannerisms that he uses to hide his own insecurity and self-loathing,” Cassandra assured without mercy.

“Hey! Winged Freud, I’m standing right here!”

“Yes, I can see that,” she agreed looking him up and down.</i>

Priceless. XD Also the bit about the wizarding war being a big match-making scheme.

Best chapter yet. There were a few typos again, but not very distracting ones.

Keep up the good work!

- Evan

Author Response

The reason Scorpius knows so much about muggle stuff is actually quite tragic and important to the story. It's explained in a few chapters time though so It should answer your questions. :)

I'm glad you're still enjoying it. Thanks very much for the reviews. :D

Hello! Still loving the story. XD

I'm a little confused by the beginning though, specifically the bit about Scorpius kneeling down to move her wing. Could you be a little more specific about how he's moving it? I mean, with his hands, clearly. XD But like... is he tucking it under her or what? Did it get stuck on the suit of armor, and he's un-sticking it? I just have a very hard time getting a mental picture of that.

Also, in the bit that I was just talking about, it should be gently, not gentle.

"She hit ground pretty bloody hard..." should have a the between hit and ground.

"a little divine assistants" should be assistance.

Finally, I'm not sure Scorpius should know what a holy roller is, being a Malfoy. XD It seems a distinctly Muggle thing.

Other than that, another great chapter! I like that the plot is moving quickly along, instead of just waffling around for the first few chapters before finally mentioning what the story's about. XD The characters still seem very, well, in-character, and I can't wait to see what everyone's reactions are to the news about Scorpius. So lovely ending too. Bit of a cliffhanger. I think I'll go read/review it right now. :P

- Evan

Author Response

Lol. I always had an image of Scorpius trying to move her wing without actually touching it so it would all be very awkward. Maybe I should re-write that part. It's got some spelling mistakes anyway. :/

Hehe, quite a few people have asked about Scorpius's knowledge of movies and stuff. Don't worry there is a good reason for it. :)

Thanks very much for the review. :D

Let's begin at the beginning, shall we? :D

I like the title. Given the genre, it's a very good pick. You can tell immediately, before even glancing at the summary, that it isn't a fluff piece or a romance, and it catches the attention. The Rising. It sounds ominous and foreboding... *cough* Anyway, good pick, and the summary's excellent too. Makes me think of Practical Demonkeeping a bit. :P

The opening also does an excellent job of hooking. (See what I did there? *winknudge*) Action is always a good hook, even if it's not directly related to the major plot. Actually, especially if it isn't directly related, since then you not only get the action hook, but you still have time for set-up.

Can I say I love what you've done with Dom? Of course I can say it, so consider it said. XD I also love what you've done with James and Scorpius. No one's a saint. No one's a perfect image of their parent, and everyone's very believable. Really good job. Everyone's being so unfair to Scorpius, but... not in a way that makes him seem like a Mary Sue, you know? They're not being <i>so</i> unfair, for absolutely no reason at all, that it becomes a pityfest, it's just... It's awesome. I love this story already. I would love it just for that.

The only thing that stuck out to me was the bit about Scorpius still liking Dom, even though she'd apparently done something horrible to him in the past. If he's resentful to the rest of the family for their treatment of him, it seems like he should still be holding it against her as well. Since she's part-veela and apparently out-grown whatever it was though, I am still willing to buy it, but just barely.

I like the plot idea so far, and structure and flow are both very good. There wasn't a single place where I got hung up or pulled out of the story by a clumsy sentence or anything like that, and the structure is very coherent. It's easy to tell where everyone is, how they got there, and why it's important.

Lovely story so far! The best I've read in quite a while.

- Evan

Author Response

YAY! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Starting a story with action seems to a bit of a habit with me. :P

I thought Dom should be tough and independant because she's the middle child of a famous family and would need to work alot harder to be recgonized. I thought Scorpius would still like her because...well...he's a teenage boy and she's hot. :P

I hope the other chapters entertain you as well. Thanks again for the review. :D

Don't worry, no extensive typo list this time. :P Just a very few sentences that actually were distracting.

"Dean glanced over at Sam, who had been looking towards Riley but looked over at his brother and caught his eye." It's confusing which brother is being referred to towards the end of the sentence.

"...he replied after looking around for a few moments before looking towards Sam and Dean." He looked where in <i>what</i> order? :P

The identities of Riley and Caitlyn are still confusing to me. By this point I think I've figured out that Sam and Dean do indeed know who Riley is, but frankly I still don't. Or Caitlyn for that matter. True, it's not exactly the place for an extensive info dump on all their past encounters, but a sentence or two would suffice, just give me my bearings, so to speak.

"She knew her mother was worried about her being alone, seeing as her husband had been murdered..." At first it seems almost like it's her mother's husband that was murdered, which makes the next few sentences confusing.

"One of his last before he had just about disappeared..." One of his last whats? I assume you mean one of his last girlfriends, but that's not at all what you said.

Later on, when you say Melanie discovered that Devon found pleasure in killing people, I have to wonder if you mean that literally, or that he found pleasure in the idea of killing people, and I think that's an important distinction. Draco liked the idea of slaughtering Muggleborns, but wasn't a killer at all, unlike, for instance, Bellatrix, or Voldemort himself. Since he was still at school, and Melanie somehow overlooked that aspect of his personality long enough to be dating him, I find the idea of killing people to be more probable, but I could be wrong. And he could certainly have gone on to become a Bellatrix since then.

Finally, the goading exchange about the sense of humor seems clumsy to me. Devon starts by saying Melanie does have a sense of humor, then compares it to Michael's, but then Lilith goes and says, We'll see if you have one like Michael's. Even though the entire exchange is about the subtext, it's still as though two people went, "I'm hungry. Are you?" "Yes. Are you?" It doesn't make sense, since the first person started by saying they were hungry in the first place. XD I probably wouldn't even mention this though, except your dialogue was so good in the first chapters, and at the end of this one, it kind of... deflated.

Other than that though, I'm still hooked! Melanie was introduced very well: you set up everything pertinent very quickly, and didn't drag on about what's really a minor part of the story. She seemed quite believable despite not hanging around very long, and of course, everything else good that I've said about this story so far still holds. Completely aside from all the specific things that I like about the particular story, you're good at the technical side of writing, which is always a very good thing for any writer, but rarer in fanfic than one would wish.

Hope you find some of this helpful! Feel free to ignore it if you don't.

- Evan

Author Response

Hehe, well that list was very helpful last time. :P

Hmm, I'll look into those sentences that you pointed out. And as to where Sam and Dean have met Caitlyn and Riley before, chapter two at the funeral. That's where they first met. They were the onlys that caused Sam and Dean's lie to fall through.

Well, she didn't date him for very long and then she discovered that darker side of him that he hadn't revealed outright back when they were in school. It was as she got to know him better while they were dating that she started to see these aspects of his personality. But yeah, he enjoyed killing people even back when he was in school. More of his past will be revealed as the story continues.

Hmm, I'll have to look back at that and see what happened. But aside from the things that you mentioned (and thank you again for pointing them out by the way) I'm glad that you still enjoyed it. Aww! Thank you! And why would I ignore helpful information? :P

Really great chapter! Sorry if it seems a bit nitpicking; I read this one a little more closely than I have been lately, because... I'm bored, and have nothing else to do. XD Congratulations.

Here are a few typos that I spotted: Pretty much all of them were obviously just overlooked, and none of them interfered greatly with the reading, so basically, if you intend to do another edit, then here are some things that you can fix while you're at it, but otherwise, it would probably be more trouble than it's worth.

"The street was dark and quiet, no street lights..." should have a with just before the no street lights. (Comma optional, I suppose, but I wouldn't put it there.) 

"...under the caution tap that was strung..." I imagine should be caution tape. 

"After a few moments, the locked clicked open," should be just lock. 

"The living room was nice and open, painted a pale blue, the white couch complimenting it," would read more clearly if you broke it into two sentences. Something along the lines of, "The living room was nice and open. There was a white couch which complimented the pale blue paint on the walls." There are a couple more sentences similar to this (for instance, the one immediately following it), but I won't mention any more. Basically, although a reader fluent in English can easily tell what the sentences mean, the grammar is a little confused (is the doorway not far behind the couch or the flat screen?) and so the writing as a whole seems muddled and fuzzy.

"The younger Winchester turned to the doorway that led the kitchen," should have a second to behind the led.

"Dean then stood back up as they was able," should be were.

"Dean handed his flashlight to Sam, who as quietly as possible, let..." should have a comma between who and as.

"It was Deans turn to scoff," needs an apostrophe, and there needs to be a comma at the end of the speech right after.

On the other hand, '"Caitlyn," Riley's tone...,' should have a period after Caitlyn, since the bit following it is description, not a speech tag.

"...lot more complicated then 'mind-reading,' but..." Then should be than, and in the next sentence, peaked should be peeked.

'"Sorry Caitlyn," he responded...' should have a comma after sorry, and "Winchesters" should have an apostrophe if you mean that he was looking at the Winchesters' eyes. If you just meant that he was looking at them generally, then never mind.


More general critique would be that at times it was difficult for me to tell whether you were talking about Sam or Dean, but it wasn't a huge problem, as I could usually glance back a few sentences and figure it out. I personally think that the paragraph just after the Apparation pop, where Sam and Dean are confused, and thinking about how it almost certainly isn't cops but who else would it be, and what do all these strange words mean, is a little overdone. You could just indicate that they're confused, maybe pick a single word (Muggles springs to mind) that one of them could mouth questioningly to the other, or something like that. As it is, it's the only part of the chapter that I want to skip. The same is true later on, after Caitlyn's disarmed them. Listing the points on which they're confused doesn't really help the story move forward; the important part is just that they're confused. Since the reader presumably knows about at least the Harry Potter universe, and they can tell by this point that Sam and Dean aren't wizards, it's fairly obvious exactly what they'd be confused by.

Also, is Riley someone that the brothers know as well? Because if not, then I feel like his name should have been withheld. Since everyone else in the room has a name, it wouldn't be too confusing to refer to him as the unidentified man, or the man with Caitlyn, or some defining physical characteristic (the tall man, the short man, the red-haired man, etc). The story seems to be told from a combined Sam-and-Dean limited third person perspective, so if they don't know Riley's name, then neither should we. If they do know him, then I still think he needs more introduction, for readers who aren't aware of it.

Parts that I love: pretty much everything else. XD I normally don't read crossovers, because I'm usually too worried that I won't be able to follow it, even if I <i>do</i> know both fandoms, and also because the few that I've read have been extremely ill-thought out. But not only do you make me want to check out Supernatural, you make me want to check out other crossovers, so double congrats on that. XD I wish I could be more specific about this section, especially after I just went on a treasure hunt for every spelling error I could spot. :P I suppose most of all I just admire the way that both universes are so real and believable, at the same time.

Keep up the good work!

- Evan

Author Response

Whoa! Hecka long review! And thanks for pointing out those little mistakes. They must've just been overlooked by myself and my beta. I'll fix those soon and again, thank you for pointing them out to me. 

Hmm, I can see what you mean in that section. I'll have to look over that bit again. And how for Riley knows the brother and vice versa, the funeral in the last chapter. That's where they met. They knew his name because they met him at the funeral earlier that day.

Hehe, well I'm glad that even with the mistakes that you still enjoyed it. Daww, thank you! And I do suggest checking out Supernatural. It's awesome. And yeah, there are some out there that make me cringe. They give crossovers a bad rep, which sucks.  Thanks so much for yet another review and for pointing out the things that you did !

First of all, <i>“And the victim perfectly healthy, besides the fact that they’re dead,” Dean finished.</i> has got to be my favorite line in a fanfic ever. Actually, all of your dialogue is extremely good. Sam and Dean have that sort of... smooth patter that you often see between people who have any sort of close partnership and it's all just very believable.

I also just love the introduction of the Harry Potter world. It really cracked me up, just... the dramatic irony and so forth. And I like that their lie fell through. XD So often in fiction, detectives and so forth seem to just glide through on their wits, and it's much more realistic and suspenseful when unexpectedness tosses them around a little instead.

The only thing I could find to critique is the opening of their conversation with Vicky, when at first she's just like, Go ahead, ask your questions. I think it would be at that point that most people asked, Who are you, the police or reporters or what.

Keep up the good work. XD

- Evan

Author Response

Hehe, I'm glad that you enjoyed that line. Thanks!

Hehe, I'm glad you liked how it was introduced. And yeah, that is what usually happens in the show. Only once or twice has the lie actually fallen through (though the few times it has, it has fallen in such hilarious ways). 

At that point in time, she's been talking to so many reporters and cops that she's just to the point of 'oh whatever. let's just get this over with.' She's really just tired. Poor woman.

Thanks and thanks for reviewing once again!

Really, really sorry for taking so long with this, first of all. I missed my chance to have the first review! But ahhh, well... blame my RL, it's been quite inconsiderate lately. On with the review!

I'm writing this as I read, to save time since RL still has me a bit crimped, so corrections and praise are in chronological order:

I love the choice of character. I honestly don't think I know <i>anything</i> about Fabian Prewett and minor characters are one of the greatest joys of fanfiction. I do have to wonder why his parents aren't aware of Vespera's activities, if she really is so bad. Wouldn't they at least be aware of her parents, since Dark Lord affiliation seems to mostly go with the family? Or are the Prewett parents a bit purist themselves, in which case... what happened to all their kids? XD I also find it highly unlikely that the cruciatus was used. It's an unforgiveable, remember: they'd be sending her to Azkaban already. Possibly threatening the Hufflepuff with one?

I don't think the sentence "taking a pose, like the models took in muggle magazines," needs the Muggle qualification. From what we've seen of the wizarding press (everything from The Daily Prophet to Witch Weekly to The Quibbler) it seems to mirror the Muggles quite faithfully, so I imagine their magazines probably employ models in much the same ways.

I love this line: ‘M’ a big bo-ther now!’ XD Actually, just everything Billy says... (Completely agree with you about the name, by the way. Little boys don't make good Bill's.)

Overall, I really, <i>really</i> love this story. In places, I thought the domestic bits dragged, and that you could have made your points with less detail, but on the other hand, it is pretty much a domestic story, so that's probably just my personal tastes showing through. It's a great story, and I'm actually adding it to my list to read your other stories soon. XD

Keep up the good work!

- Evan

Author Response

Hi! sorry it took a while to answer back but I really want to thank you for such a nice review. 
I agree with your position about the unforgivable; didn't think that one through I guess! I will definitly make the correction. As for the 'muggle pose' that too will be changed, thanks for pointing out this wasn't necessary.

I'm glad you liked my 'Billy' characterization; it's so hard to write little kids! 

Thanks again, yes, it is kind of a domestic story; I hadn't seen it that way at first but now that you point it out, it is the feel I wanted to give this story; to show that even though a war is creeping up, family moments can be enjoyed.

Hey there! First off, extremely sorry for taking so long... RL has been incredibly inconsiderate lately. ;)

Secondly, I quite like what I've read so far! I was thrown a bit off balance at the beginning, because for some reason I expected it to be written from the POV of Charlie and the first person sort of mixed me up. But that could just have been me...

I really like the awkwardness of not knowing where to meet, and not knowing who speaks English, etc. Very realistic and relatable. The present tense approach is interesting, but unusual enough that it pulled me out of the flow of the story a couple of times. That doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't use it, of course, but I was just wondering if you had a specific reason for wanting to use it? It's one of those things that you have to balance the pros and cons about.

Other than that, I'm just really intrigued. Can't wait 'til I have time to read the next chapter! (And awesome choice of quote at the end too... Humorous and slightly foreboding.)

- Evan

Author Response

Hey! Don't worry about it! I'm glad that you like this so far! Hmm, I don't really see why you would think that this was in Charlie's POV, but I think that would be very interesting to write (I hope I don't come off as rude, and I'm sorry if I do!). 
You know, I honestly have no idea why I chose to write in the present tense, although I think it might be because what I was writing before for my own enjoyment was in present tense. I dunno. But I don't really use it that much, so I thought it would be a different approach, and maybe it might work out better for me. Also, I think that it adds to the 'now' factor with Genevieve, if you get me, like as if we're the ones witnessing what's happening as it occurs, standing there with her. *shrugs*
Thank you for your review, and the criticism! It really does help and it means a lot!

First of all, I should mention that I don't think I've ever even heard of Supernatural, so I'm working around that, but I'll do my best.

That being said, I think you set it up very well, in the sense that I still feel like I have a general sense of who these people are and what they do, despite never having watched the show. (It's a show, right? *shifty* I don't know where I got that impression, but I got it...) Not much has happened yet, of course, but it was very easy to follow, no obvious typos or confusing grammar, and I actually sort of want to check out this Supernatural thing now. XD Seems interesting...

Good job so far, sorry I have no really detailed feedback yet, but maybe next chapter. :P I'm intrigued though, which is very, very good. I definitely want to know what happens next.

Keep up the good work!

- Evan

Author Response

*GASP* BLASPHEM! :P J/K. I just must convert you then.

Hehe, and yes it is a show. A very good show. XD Oh, I suggest doing so. It was actually reading a story like this that got me into the show. I was so interested in the characters I started with episode on and was hooked. So yeah, I suggest watching it. It's awesome.

Thanks! And I'm glad that you are intrigued! Thanks for reviewing!

Hello there!

First off, I thought Luna was very well-done. She wasn't too weird, she wasn't weird in the wrong way, she was just Luna, so I think that was great. I think she was the perfect character for this encounter, not asking questions, just stating the obvious and accepting it. I think she was the best part of the whole story. XD 

On the other hand, I do think you dabbled in a bit of purple prose, especially towards the beginning. It took  me a while to figure out exactly what you meant, especially with this line: <i>A steel gate back dropped a scene of a dozen young teens, hung on its bars.</i> I also think that a more simple, straightforward approach would not only be more easily understood, and flow better, but would fit the tone of the piece much better. Write it like Luna. :P Just say exactly what's there, and it's fine to color it with emotion, but still just state it like facts.

I do find the premise of the story difficult to believe. I don't see how Jay could have been a total secret, especially since her birth would have been at least five years before Harry Potter, if I understand correctly, and therefore probably in a time when the need for secrecy was not even so strong. She also said she was more easily hid because she was older - but it would not have been so easy for her entire life, and I really just can't see James and Lily going around and Obliviating everyone who had ever seen her before in her life. I also doubt, given how much they trusted Dumbledore, Sirius, Remus and Peter, that they would even have bothered to keep her a secret from them. That being said, I think the way that you presented the premise was realistic. Assuming that the reader doesn't question the whys and hows of the secret (as well as why she never came to Dumbledore's - or Voldemort's - attention following the murder of the Potter parents), the scene itself is believable. And I kind of want to know what happens next. XD

There are a few typos/confusing mistakes or contradictions but dun't worry too much about those, they always happen. ;) The ones that caught my eye were: "back dropped" should have been "backdropped" (and I love that you used it as a verb, by the way!); "supported" I <i>think</i> you meant "sported"; Luna says the rain trickled down the air, it really doesn't do that; and it doesn't make sense to me to say that Jay's footsteps were planted by anyone, while she's running. When I think a planted footstep, I think solid and deliberate. I didn't really notice much after that, which is a good thing. XD Either there were no typos later on, or I was so wrapped up in the story they didn't pull me out of it anymore. :P Either way, keep up the good work!

- Evan

Author Response

Wow, I canÃƒÂ¢Ã‚Â€Ã‚Â™t thank you enough for leaving me such a detailed review! I can see what you mean about the description, I agree now that the rain trickling down the air bit doesnÃƒÂ¢Ã‚Â€Ã‚Â™t really work, so thanks for the heads up! 

As for the story premise, I guess I kind of had an idea and did my best to make it fit, I couldnÃƒÂ¢Ã‚Â€Ã‚Â™t really see a way of writing the same story with a more believable idea but I can see your point :) 

I loved your idea to write it like Luna! Why didnÃƒÂ¢Ã‚Â€Ã‚Â™t I think of that! 

Anyway thank you so much, this was really helpful and will especially help me when writing descriptions. 

Thanks!

Ahhh, this story keeps getting better and better. XD I love it!

I actually could only spot one thing that confused me or that I didn't get, and that was when Draco kept referring to his father as Lucius. He always called him "my father" in the books, except once when he got emotional and all mad at Harry and called him "Dad." Of course, he's an adult now, so that could definitely change, but I was just wondering if you had a particular reason in mind for that?

Other than that, a whole mountain of love. I liked how there's still so wide a gap between Muggleborns and purebloods at the Ministry, I mean, just 'cause Voldemort's gone, doesn't mean everything's suddenly fixed... and you showed it really well with the contrast between their offices. The entire thing was just very realistic, with Ron and Ginny and then with Draco. I can't even list all the things I liked. XD I liked all of it.

Author Response

Personally when I read the 7th book I noticed a shift in Draco's behavior and the entire power-structure of the malfoy family. I think Draco grew up a lot during that time, and that he grew apart from his father quite a bit. The fact he now calls him Lucius was intentional and I'll show the strained relationship between the two more clearly later. Thanks so much for the review!

I still think the animosity between Draco and Hermione is a tiny bit too heated at this point, but I greatly enjoyed this chapter anyway. XD I did think the clash over dinner was very realistic and I liked the guest room idea. It kinda made me wonder what the room would look like if <i>I</i> walked in... 

The article made me wonder though. Harry keeps saying that <i>no one</i> deserves Azkaban. It makes sense that he singled out Draco to rescue, because of what Harry owes to Narcissa, but what about the other Death Eaters? Do they qualify as not deserving Azkaban, or... what? Is he planning to sort of build up to getting the worse dark wizards out, or is he just saying "no one" but not really meaning it? Hmm... will keep reading to find out.

I also didn't really understand when Hermione said, <i>"You do realize saying stuff like that in public will get you sent back to Azkaban?"</i> It makes sense if she just meant, "If you keep saying things like that, I won't help Harry protect you anymore," but I couldn't help but wonder if she meant he could get sentenced again just for saying anti-Muggleborn things, which... would be sort of Orwellian, and I couldn't see Hermione getting behind a government like that. So maybe reword it, so it's clearer what you meant? 

I really liked the ending, by the way. XD I could definitely see that happening... And... I think that's it! Keep up the good work!

- Evan

Author Response

I get what you're saying about it being too heated. I think, if I did it again, I'd add an awkward stage where Draco is sort of lingering on being nice before he just sort of.
What I will explain later in more detail is that no true whole soul deserves Azkaban. Death Eaters who killed people and tortured them for fun don't really stand on the same line as people like Draco. First of all, however vague it might seem, Draco Malfoy does feel remorse.
I do think that sentence could be a bit more clear. What I was trying to say was "Harry risked a lot getting you out. And you just waste your new reputation, your second chance? Are you asking to be sent back to Azkaban? Push me over the edge, Malfoy? Eventually you won't be able to push me any farther, and I'll give you a guess at what's going to happen then." Or something along those lines.
Thanks a LOT for the review! Helps so much!
--dark marked

A lot of things that I liked about this chapter. First of all, I just liked it generally. I was finding your plot a little unbelievable in the first chapter, but somehow, I buy it a lot more after this one. I think it's because the interaction between Hermione and Ron is very real, and that helps draw me into it. The characterization was very good, and like I said, I feel a lot better about the plot at this point. 

Parts that I liked particularly well: <i>Hermione tried not to think about how he wasn't even the best at love.</i> I read a slight subtext about the bedroom into that, which I enjoyed a lot, so I hope you meant to put it there. XD I also liked the list of how everyone else was clicking that came directly after that, because it was at that point that I really started to wonder about which one Hermione is going to ultimately choose, and that's exactly what you want your reader to be worrying about.

I liked this part too: <i>Which is how Hermione Granger, proud feminist..., had been slaving over a hot stove waiting for Ron to arrive.</i> (Although I do think the part that I left out could also have been left out in the story - it just didn't really seem to belong there.) It really shows how Hermione is having to make concessions in her relationship with Ron, which, although very realistic and normal in a real life relationship, clashes with her perception of all the other couples they know. However, I do think it contradicts with a few things later on, where Hermione says, <i>"You don't OWN me, Ronald Weasley. I'm not your daughter and I'm not your wife."</i> Implying that he <i>will</i> own her, but only after she becomes his wife, which I don't see Hermione or any other feminist agreeing with at all. Also, at the end, when Ron says, <i>"I will let you be..."</i> which is exactly what Hermione was angry with before. My personal opinion is that you should either reword that to, "It's okay with me if you...," or something  similar, or have Hermione be inwardly annoyed at the wording, but bite her tongue for the sake of peace in their relationship.

And that's all. XD As always, I hope you find at least some of it helpful, and I'm really looking forward to reading the next chapter.

- Evan

Author Response

The whole owning bit was actually a really good observation. I meant it to come more off as "I'm not tied to you in any way and don't owe you any real consideration in my life decisions" but you're right: that's not how it came across. I'll need to fix that when I get the chance. Though I do think Ron would have "allowed" her too. He seems like he'd be pretty old fashioned about gender roles. Thanks so much for the review!

I know you said it's just a transition, which I understand completely, so I don't feel very harsh about this chapter. XD But... a few things really stood out to me. Like the fact that Hermione's Snape transformation ends up with her being pretty. I don't remember anything about any Snapes being pretty. I suppose you could argue that she gets it from her mother's side though... which, speaking of, I'm sort of hoping that there's more about her mother later on, because at this point I have no idea who she is, why she's with Snape (especially if she's pretty), etc. It makes me curious.

I was also surprised at Hermione's clothing choices. They don't seem very... Hermione, and I didn't think the transformation was supposed to alter her personality too. So I guess I'm still just waiting for explanations here. XD But interested in seeing what the next chapter has in store, at least!

- Evan

Author Response

Thanks for the review. I'll have to consider that in the revision of the first 10 chapters. I'm basically going re-write them because they suck. I want Hermione's Personality to change, it was an intentional twist, but i must not have explained it well. Thank again.

Hello!

So first, some things that I liked. I liked Zabini being a guard. Not Zabini in particular, Crabbe or Goyle would have been just as good, but I liked that it wasn't one of the more, well, Gryffindor characters. In my opinion, more realistic, and definitely more interesting. It makes me wonder where the rest of the Slytherins have ended up.

I liked when Draco says Harry can't get everything and Harry says, "Can't I?" I think it does a very good job of showing where Harry is, metaphorically speaking, and how he's handling it all. A lot of the other dialogue between Harry and Draco was good too. Oh, and I especially liked, "Tomorrow was forever." Made a powerful impact, drove home the point about conditions in Azkaban, without being particularly melodramatic.

I also find myself intrigued about how much the other characters know, how involved they are with the plan, what their reactions will be, etc.

As for critique, there are really only two things that stood out to me, both characterization. I'm not sure that Hermione would be quite so vicious in her feelings about Draco. I mean, yes, she's hardly his biggest fan, but Snape did/said some pretty cruel things as far as she's concerned too, but she still stayed very rational and objective in considering his motivations, how bad of a guy he really was, etc. I'm also not convinced that Draco would be calling her a Mudblood already. It's true that he's likely to retain his prejudices, but at this point I feel like he'd be watching his tongue. The animosity would definitely be there, but I feel like it ought to be more subtle than you show it.

The usual disclaimer, all reactions are subjective and such, but I hope you find some of it helpful anyway. XD

- Evan

Author Response

Thanks so much for the review! I was afraid when I wrote this I rushed Draco's 'not so pleasent' feelings for Hermione. And what you said about Hermione is very true. When I go back to edit this that is definetly something I think I'll change. Thanks again this REALLY helped!

First of all, something I really liked: the whole bit about the ugly duckling, and how you made a point of her not having had any sort of dramatic transformation. I think it could have been worked in a bit more smoothly, but I like it anyway, and it definitely belongs there, especially the line about finding another awkward little goose and going about their ugly little goose way. It made me smile.

Actually the same reaction applies to the whole chapter. I liked it, it made me smile, it was a little rough-edged in places, but the ideas were good and I liked it. That part gets mentioned twice because it's important. ;)

I think the roughness will probably just naturally improve as you write more and become more confident, but the parts that I noticed the most were the ugly duckling bit (it didn't really strike me as the first thing she'd think after a marriage proposal, so maybe you could start with her thinking about it for some reason before the proposal, and then you can still tie it in a little later with the another-awkward-goose comment - although that would mean giving up the draw value of the attention-grabbing first line, so you'd have to balance pros and cons there) and also that Draco's plan could have been made a bit clearer. As I understand it, he does not ever mean to marry Hermione, he just wants to pretend that he will, so that Lucius will withdraw the marriage requirement on inheritance. I do realize that there's already the sentence where he says to just pretend to be his fiancé, but... I would just feel more comfortable with it if somewhere in there someone actually laid out the entire plan, rather than it just being sketched by a lot of different individual comments. Also, perhaps you could sort of imply that this was Draco's plan all along? Because it doesn't seem like the sort of thing that would just spring to mind spontaneously, but I could definitely see Draco already knowing what he wanted to propose (pun intended :P ) and then just sort of stringing Hermione along for a bit before laying his cards on the table.

One last thing would be that I don't think the MLE actually make laws, I think they're just the police, pretty much. Isn't it the Wizengamot that makes laws? We didn't see very much of the Ministry's inner workings in the books of course, but I doubt it's the MLE.

All subjective suggestions of course, so take it or leave it, but I hope you find at least a bit of it helpful.

Cheers!

- Evan

Author Response

Thanks so much. I agree that the ugly duckling bit now in hindsight seems a bit forced. Actually I meant for Draco to be sort of vague and suddenly leap to an odd conclusion. Hermione is going to find out a lot more about what really happened that night Draco approached her for a favor later in the story.

I'm not sure who actually makes the laws; I don't think it was ever clear. I did, however, find several sources that said Hermione switched careers because she wanted to stop purebloods and their horrible behavior by making more regulations...I'm not sure if what I came up with is strictly canon, but it's close enough for me to leave as is.

Thanks so much for the advice (har-har). It was really helpful!

Hello!

First of all, I want to say that I really enjoyed this story. The main reason that I decided to offer reviews is because I wanted to get back into reading fanfiction, and was finding it difficult. Well, this story reminds me of everything I always enjoyed about the fanfic world before, so thanks bunches. XD I'm feeling myself being drawn back in already...

Anyway, on to the critique! I saw at the bottom that it was part of the Said is Dead! challenge, and I didn't see that challenge, so I'm not entirely sure what it was about, but I imagine the point was not to use the word 'said'? And if that's the case, then really good work. Not just that you never used it, but that I didn't even notice that you weren't using it until I read that bit about the challenge. In my opinion, using tags that draw attention to themselves is every bit as bad as, if not worse than, overusing said. But you handled it just great.

The characterization was also pretty good. Of course, characterization for next gen characters is a lot more open-ended than with the original set, so it's much more up to personal taste, but Scorpius was definitely a Malfoy and Rose was definitely a Weasley, yet you still brought them together without making it a Romeo and Juliet. (So plot was also very good.) I especially liked this bit: <i>"Oh, come on. You know, I'm in training to be a healer, and there's this class we take that's all about the way people feel and communication, and I really know that, if you tell me what's wrong, you'll feel better."</i> It was just... it was great. It was something I could actually imagine a slightly drunk young woman saying, and I don't know if you meant to do this, but it was almost an ironic twist on the usual compassionate-female-gets-broody-male-to-share-feelings. On the other hand, I do think that Rose was not consistently drunk throughout the entire piece. Of course, that makes sense, if she gets drunker as it goes on, but somehow I got the feeling that she kept being drunk, and then returning briefly to almost-sober, and then going back to further drunk.

One thing that annoyed me though was at the very beginning when it took so long to figure out who anybody was. I do get that you meant it to be that way, and I think that it is a good technique, but in my personal opinion, it could use a little tweaking. I think I'd like it a lot better if you were up front about it being Scorpius (not necessarily in the first few sentences, but as soon as you mention him, in the beginning of the second paragraph), and just gave Rose a label at first - more than girl, but maybe "the redhead"? - until you find out later in Scorpius' thoughts that it's Rose. Speaking of, I have to admit that I was a bit thrown off at the beginning, because I was expecting "girl" to be someone quite a bit younger. XD So maybe make that a bit clearer in the second sentence, instead of this girl, it could be this woman, and then the behavior itself suggests that she's a quite young woman, and more comments/adjectives later if you felt they were needed. (Not trying to write it for you, just giving suggestions. :P )

Annnd that's it! Once again, I really did like it, and I hope you find my comments useful!

- Evan

Author Response

I'm glad that you liked it! I really appreciate you taking the time to come and review my story! 

I really enjoyed taking the said is dead! challenge, and I think that my writing is better because of it! 

I did enjoy writing Rose as a bit intoxicated, and I am sorry that she didn't seem consistently drunk. Maybe that's something I could go back and change. I guess she was going through periods of being sober, and then drinking more, maybe? That's the only way I can explain it haha.

As far as it taking a long time to introduce my characters is concerned, that's actually something I do a lot in stories. I like to leave a little mystery behind who I'm actually talking about, but I can see how in this particular story it could be annoying. I'll keep that in mind when I revise it! As for Rose, she is definitely a young woman, and I do refer to her as a girl, and I think the reason I did that was because she was surrounded by all their friends and she was giggling and was acting a bit like girls tend to do. But again, it's great CC, and thank you very much for bringing it to my attention!

This was a great review, thank you again for taking the time to read my story, I very much appreciate it!

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