Hey! Kenpo here with your requested review.
I'm doing this review a little differently than they're usually done. Hopefully, that's okay with you.
I like the title and the summary. Vague, but still eye-catching. I'm also doing the Uncomfortable Challenge.
Thoughts While Reading:
I like the writing style of the first paragraph. I can already start to see who the character is and the type of the relationship she has. One issue, "This was the place Sirius had chosen for their." ...their date?
Aww, I like that he calls her Mars. And his jovial voice, nice word choice.
Of course he knows she'll like the restaurant. Sirius is the type of guy who could absolutely plan a date to woo his lady.
When you say "He was the polar opposite of her 'ideal' other half. He was careless," I was momentarily confused because I thought she was giving a description of her 'ideal'.
I love that Lily had to convince her that Sirius was a good match! That hints at a friendship not only between Lily and Marlene, but between Lily and Sirius, which I like. I mean, he's pretty much her brother-in-law.
Aww, Sirius is all nervous. Ooo, he's gonna propose, isn't he?! He can fight dark wizards no problem, but proposing would definitely make Sirius a nervous wreck!
I'm loving this interaction between them. They seem like they have a really close friendship on top of their romantic relationship. I like the little note about how her smiles make him feel.
Haha, Sirius knew that she'd know that he'd forget their anniversary so he decided to remember so that she'd be surprised. Haha. I love it. And her reaction is perfect! Sirius, no matter how smart you may be, you'll never have a women totally figured out.
Aww… they can't get all the way through a nice dinner without thinking about the war. That's how war is, though. The anxiety is never far away.
HA. I WAS RIGHT! I like that he looks hopeful after he asks her! Cute! I enjoyed the little notes about the people in the restaurant, it enhances the setting.
Haha he would forget the ring! Wait no he didn't. Aww, I like that description of the ring. I like that he got it engraved. He totally knows the type of girl she is.
Nooo! Are her parents and sister dead? :( What? No, Sirius, don't leave her there! She's gonna go try to save them or something! Yes, see? You left and she heard a scream and there she goes! Gah, Sirius, I thought you were smart!
Ahhh! Harry and his toy broom. Adorable! Haha, Petunia's stupid vase.
I love that he told Lily he was proposing! She totally helped him plan it out, didn't she?
Remus, you'll find someone! Give it 16 years or so! Remus is such a heartbreaking character. He's alone and soon he'll be really alone and Sirius is gonna be all depressed because he's going to find help but Marlene is going to get herself killed and THE FEELS!
I'd like to take a moment to appreciate your use of apostrophes in the correct places. Okay, back to the story.
Her sister's still alive? Why? Don't they usually just kill everyone and go kill some Muggles to celebrate?
Aww, her sister's totally gonna die, isn't she? I'm surprised Marlene didn't go into Healer-mode when she saw the blood. I'm wondering how old her sister is. She seems very young, and Marlene's relationship with her seems borderline maternal. That could mean she's a much younger sister.
Eww, gross. Why are the Death Eaters chilling there? Hurry, Sirius!
Poor Natalia :,( Aww, she was a Squib :(.
They want Marlene to join them? What? I thought they were there to kill her. No, Marlene! Don't tell them you'd rather die, they'll kill you!!! SHUT UP TRAVERS, NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU.
...she died. :( And Sirius is right there! The scene assaults his eyes. Powerful word choice.
I'm not even gonna commentary the rest because THE FEELS.
This was really well written. There were times that some sentences didn't flow very well, I'd go back and read through it very slowly. I like your diction. You use better words than "sad" "happy" etc, but I didn't need a dictionary. Overall, good story. I liked how the perspective sort of shifted to Remus at the end, and how Lily's relationship with Marlene was apparent throughout. I enjoyed reading this! Except for the feels.
Author's Response: Oh wow!!! So sweet!!! :D I loved the way this was done!!
I don't know what to say! The review was super super sweet! :D so, I just want u to know that I love this review!! Now into the end section :)
Thanks so much :) yeah- I hate using a dictionary when reading stories... -_- haha, I'll take the feels as a positive thing ;)