|Review:||Roots in Water says:|
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
It has been some time since I read chapter two, but I still do remember most of it. I apologize if I forget anything that's happened in previous chapters.
Once again, I'm struck by how different, how original your story is. I still had to shake my head several times to remind myself that you're not contradicting anything canon, persay, just the headcanon of many people.
This story continues to be a very interesting look into the life of Snape while he lives as a double agent during the first Wizarding War.
I noticed three things as I was reading through relating to phrasing/word choice. The first was with "Whatever", which sounded a little odd coming from Snape, perhaps because it's typically associated with youth and youthful rebellion... Unless that's the effect you're looking for, you could change it to "What ever you do in the privacy of your home". As well, with "which I hadn't" I think it should be "haven't" instead of "hadn't" and with "with the it" it should just be "with it".
In contrast with what I've written above, I really liked the small hints in the phrasing that showed that Snape is not yet a bitter almost-forty-year-old man but rather a young man who's making mistakes but pushing through already.
As well, I liked how you had the Order (or at least one member of the Order) make a mistake in this chapter. Though it was a possibly fatal one, it did show that they are still young and unprepared in the dangers and ways of war. They can't imagine all of the possibilities and pitfalls that could occur like an older, more experienced person could and so they will make mistakes. (Hopefully just not fatal ones). Furthermore, it was another nice touch that you had Dorcas contact him even though her news wasn't of much significance and didn't require a face-to-face meeting. It showed once again just how inexperienced some of the Order members are. I felt that Snape was completely justified in feeling snappish and irritated with her- she had, after all, risked his life over something small (though perhaps worth knowing. I can't remember exactly what we know about his employer).
Just a small thing: in the last scene, you wrote that Snape needed all three shield charms in order to be safe... And then described only two wands in the first few trials. Snape then asked Avery to add his wand to the mix. I was wondering why only two wands were needed for the first two experiments. I don't think that you mentioned the reasoning in the chapter itself.
I'm very intrigued by the events in the last section of the chapter. Avery had reason to be afraid but the disaster his hesitance caused! Poor Snape! I can only imagine now that since the Dark Mark has been cast over his flat that the Order will believe he's dead. I wonder what their reactions will be... If the majority of them will only know that their "source" has gone missing/died. However, I think I would have been more surprised if nothing had happened while the experiment was taking place. The Death Eaters he had for help weren't exactly high quality.
I am confused about one point, though. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that a flat was an apartment building... Which would make Severus' action of collapsing the building very dangerous. Am I mistaken?
All in all, I think that you're doing a great job with this story. The plot continues to be very credible and well thought-out. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my review is helpful/wasn't too confusing and jumbled.
Author's Response: Hello again!
Have I mentioned how much I love your reviews? I do, I do. It's because you catch things that no one else does and makes me think more logically about my story. :)
This is a good thing. I think my greatest weakness was continuity. I say "was" now, because I hope that I've improved, but sometimes logic still trips me up when my muse says things like, "wouldn't i t be neat if someone flew into this scene in a hot air balloon?". At least now, I bombard my muse with annoying questions like, "And how exactly did that character get their hands on said air balloon? Do they even have air balloons in this world? Would this character have ever encountered an air balloon before, and how did he even learn to fly the thing??" before jumping right in... anyway...
I hope you really feel like I'm not contradicting canon in this story. That was the one thing I put a boat load of effort into to make this idea work out. It does contradict almost all head canon out there regarding Severus Snape, but that can't be helped. Again, if you need to think of it as slightly AU, I don't mind.
I think the reasoning for my word choices in this chapter were indeed trying to show Severus as a younger man. I might have gone a bit too far with it in those instances that you pointed out, but I'm glad that the idea of it didn't go without notice.
Dorcas was a difficult character for me. I had all these things that she was supposed to "do" in the story, and they just didn't make sense. She was supposed to be all reckless and think more with her feet than her brain, and sometimes I think she went a bit too far. Again, you deducted correctly. She is very inexperienced and will make mistakes, and her superiors are much too occupied with "other things" to keep a close eye on her.
Ahh, the inconsistencies still plague me. One day, I will go back and fix the "three shield", "two shield" mix up. Sigh. You are such a good reviewer. I swear it seemed important at the time, but it ended up being a non-issue in the final revision.
Also with the flat. Yeah. That makes sense. *shakes head in shame*.
Your review was not at all confusing or jumbled. It was perfect. I love your reviews! Have I said that already? Thanks so much for your incredible attention to detail. You'll have to excuse me now. I have an air balloon that needs to be deleted from my WIP. ;)