|Review:||teh tarik says:|
Hello there! teh tarik from the forums here with your requested review :)
I'm rather short on time so my review won't be too long, apologies for this!
My goodness, this is a gripping story. Tension, suspense, intrigue - all of this sounds like a wonderful combination. I love love the fact that you're exploring a post-Hogwarts Hermione (I'm also working out a plunny with a post-Hogwarts postwar Hermione in it), and I can really see how the Sherlock quote fits in here. The two scenes at the beginning with Harry and Ginny respectively were written so well - you've really shown how this new life has really numbed Hermione's ability to connect and empathise with her old friends. She does deviate a little from canon-Hermione, but that's not something I'm too fussed about, and I'm going to go with the explanation that war really changes people ;) Her eagerness for action was rather startling, and somehow this sense of desperation in Hermione of all people was so chilling, and there was something rather...sinister to it. I was really unsettled at that moment where she almost decides to leave Draco to die out of revenge. It might be a little extreme, even for a bitter postwar Hermione; I suggest you really go into further detail to explain or really show her psychological and emotional state.
As for your other characters, namely Ginny and Harry, I think they were done very well. The two sections are rather sparse, but I really got a good sense of their characters - with Ginny being so optimistic and full of hope for a new existence - and there was really brilliant and unnerving contrast with Hermione's thoughts: Another one moving on. Another one lost.. Harry, too, is written wonderfully - his pretence and emotional facade - he comes off as rather withdrawn and detached, which actually does suit a postwar Harry very well.
As for the plot, as I mentioned, it's really really gripping, and you've got me hooked pretty much. There are tiny little details that make the whole situation just terrifying e.g. the red dot on the corner of the letter. And Draco turning up like that...wow.
I would advise you to watch out for tense slippages. You write in the present tense, which can be tricky sometimes, and more than once you slipped back into the past tense. There are also grammatical errors, especially the use of apostrophes. Also, do watch out for strange and awkward sounding sentences like: Wand is gripped tightly in her had, at the ready. This sentence seems like a mix of a fragment and a complete sentence. If you want to use sentence fragments, it would perhaps sound a little cleaner if you removed the "is" e.g. Wand gripped tightly in her hand, at the ready.
OK, well, I've enjoyed this story heaps. I think you've got quite a wonderful concept here, and the plot sounds like it'll make a terrific one. Also, I'd love to see how the relationship between Draco and Hermione develops, and how Hermione will change over time.
Great work! I hope this review is of some help to you :D