Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:ShieldSnitch3 says:
Hey, it's ShieldSnitch3 from the forums finally here with your review!

All right, so you're just looking for a general reaction, yeah? Well, you said that this was your first story, and to be honest, I'm impressed. It's very well written, a lot better than a lot of what's on here, and the fact this was your first one makes it even better. So I'm just going to touch on a few things, as there's not a lot to say.

First I suppose I'll start with grammar. There weren't many mistakes that I picked up on, so that was very refreshing for me. I think the only things that really jumped out were mostly at the beginning. I noticed a few places where you switched verb tenses, like here: "A vicious slap on the door." That sounds like it's present tense, but everything else in the chapter was past tense. So you might want to go and check back on that. The other grammar thing was that there seemed to be quite a few run-on sentences that I had to read several times to understand. Like here: "She was still smart and smart-mouthed, but now that he was finally taking the time to get to know her without his previous prejudice against muggleborns or his childhood jealousy of Potter that had faded over time, he was able to see that the slightly awkward girl he had known had grown into a woman who was sure of herself and what she wanted, having decided to become a bookseller after not being able to stand being in the public eye after the Great War." That's all one sentence, and I think it would be a bit easier to read if you broke it up into at least two, possibly more. There were a few other sentences like that, so that would possibly be something to look into.

Flow - I thought the flow was pretty good, barring the run-on sentences. Everything seemed to fit together properly, and the breaks in the text felt very natural. Like I said before, this is well written, so I don't think you need to worry about flow at all.

Characterization - thus far, I think it's fine. I didn't see anything OOC, but this was only the first chapter, so that could change. But yeah, as of now, it all looks pretty good. On that note, I'd like to add that I thought it was very unique to write from Draco's perspective - that's not something you usually see. So props to you!

I think the only thing that I can make real constructive criticism on is a bit of a "jump" in the plot. Okay, so Draco's talking about how he runs into Hermione at her book store, yaddah yaddah, and then suddenly he can't stop thinking about her? I don't know, that seems a bit unrealistic to me. I mean, I could see if it if they had run into each other a couple of times, but after the first time... I don't know. It's perfectly fine if you don't really think about it, but I did, so...

And I think that's it! Good job on the story so far :D Hopefully this review helped - if it did, feel free to re-request in the forums!

Author's Response: Hey! I'm so glad you could take a look at this. Thanks on your compliments but this isn't my first story, just my first COMPLETED one (that's chaptered) :)

I read that sentence "vicious slap on the door" and I keep trying to see how I could word it differently. Maybe when I get a beta for this, they'll be able to help me on it. I also know I have a tendency for run-on sentences. The one you pointed out actually had me laughing at myself. I've definitely improved on those in writing later on so I just have to go back and fix it :)

I'm very glad that this was natural flow.

I love taking Draco's perspective for some reason. I feel it's easier to write than Hermione. Also, the "jump" in the plot is kind of assuming that you've read the other piece though, most Dramione lovers just kind of accept it :) It's also love at first sight kind of thing.

Thank you so much for this! I'll look you up for the rest of the chapters because this has been so helpful in my time of re-editing!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 415
Submit Report: