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Evil Villainy for Dummies by Hermiones_Revenge

Format: Short story
Chapters: 8
Word Count: 9,763
Status: COMPLETED

Rating: 12+
Warnings: No Warnings

Genres: Humor
Characters: Neville
Pairings:

First Published: 02/19/2005
Last Chapter: 05/02/2005
Last Updated: 06/20/2005

Summary:
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So, you want to be an evil villain? This little handbook will tell you if you have what it takes and will explain the techniques, rules, and frequently asked questions regarding the world of evil villains. Death to conventional fanfiction.


Chapter 1: Evil Villainy for Dummies
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The quaint little bookshop in Hogsmeade was filled with frantic people rushing about. On more than one occasion, a hectic customer had run into him, causing him to drop whatever books he happened to be carrying. It was annoying, really. All this trouble just to find a stupid book.

There was one specific book he was looking for, a book he had heard someone casually mention before. It was a rather odd title, but would provide him with the information he'd need to pursue his new dream. His only problem was locating it...

And then he saw it, sitting high up on a shelf. The solution to all his problems. Evil Villainy for Dummies. He immediately grabbed it and began to read.




Evil Villainy for Dummies
by Felix Asher Phineas Knowles

So, you want to be an evil villain? Well horray for you, that's wonderful! The world of evil villainy is full of fun, surprises, and wonderfully despicable people! Evil villains are a tight knit group, meaning you're sure to meet plenty of lifelong friends. If you choose to join our elite assemblage, you are in for the experience of a lifetime!

But do you have what it takes?

Oh sure, you may THINK you can handle the world of evil, but quite frankly, it's not for everyone. You may THINK you have what it takes, but you just might be wrong. Very wrong. This particular career is far from simple and involves much training, studying, and most of all, commitment. If you aren't willing to work hard, then I'd suggest that you leave now and take up something a bit easier. Like psychology. Or genetic engineering.

Not sure if you have the right stuff? Read on...




IMAGINE THIS: your name is Tom Marvolo Riddle. You are a young, evil wizard determined to cleanse the world of all muggles and muggle-born wizards, as you believe they are not worthy to live. There is a problem here. What is it?

A.) Muggles and muggle-born wizards are not inferior to you, you should know that! Besides, your own father was a muggle!

B.) You do not have a theme song.

C.) Your name is Tom Marvolo Riddle.

D.) You have set an impossible goal for yourself.

Which is the correct answer?




DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE 'A'?
Stop reading this book now. Obviously you are a reasonable person and have a conscience, two things that evil villains cannot possess. This is not the right job for you. Try being something else...like a school counselor. Or a pastry chef.

DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE 'B'?
There is a chance that you have what it takes, but maybe not. True, it is important for some evil villains to have a theme song, but this is not the best answer. One of the other choices above is a better answer. If you find that evil villainy is not your calling, but still wish to join the forces of darkness, consider being an evil henchman or a crony. Or a pastry chef.

DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE 'C'?
Wonderful! You have selected the correct answer! The name "Tom Marvolo Riddle" is not frightening in the least, and it reminds you of your muggle father. Think about it, will people really be afraid of a guy whose middle name is "Marvolo"? Of course not!

DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE 'D'?
Obviously, you know nothing of evil-ness. Evil villains constantly set impossible goals, it's a rule! (the rules of evil villany will be discussed in a later chapter) You seem to be reasonalbe and logical. Stop that.




Still don't know whether or not you have what it takes? Here's one more question...

IMAGINE THIS: After cleverly changing your name to "Lord Voldemort," you realize that you cannot purge the world on your own. Naturally you will need a group of supporters. But what else do you need to do?

A.) Make sure your supporters do not realize your intentions are evil, otherwise they may have second thoughts. Make them believe they are doing good for the world so they will be loyal and determined.

B.) Give your supporters a name, preferably a scary name that alludes to your purpose. Maybe, something with the word 'death' in it.

C.) Get all of your supporters matching outfits and establish a dress code. Your dress code should be both fashionable and serve a practical purpose...like hiding your supporters' identities.

D.) Establish a headquarters.

E.) Both B and C

F.) Both A and D




DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE A?
Now why would you want to do something like this? This would make perfect sense! Evil villains are not supposed to make sense! If you haven't already realized it, you are going after the wrong profession. I'd suggest trying something else, like being a chemistry teacher, or an accountant.

DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE B?
This is one of two correct answers, so good job! Your group of minions and henchmen need a name to remind them that they are united by a single cause: evil. Also, naming your supporters is the 'in' thing to do. You have potential.

DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE C?
This is one of two correct answers, way to go! Matching outfits let others know who you are and what you support and are very stylish. I'd suggest something like hooded robes or masks or something. You have potential.

DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE D?
Establishing a headquarters is important, but isn't as important as thinking up a cool name or something! Try not to be so logical. You make too much sense.

DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE E?
Horray for you, you got it right! You seem to think like an evil villain! Pat yourself on the back.

DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE F?
Go away. Now.

By now, you should have a good idea of whether or not you are cut out for the job. In the chapters to come, we will discuss important evil topics and will speak about important evil people. Take notes. Get out a highlighter.




This would be the solution to all his problems, he thought to himself. With a grin on his face, Neville made his way to the front counter and made his purchase. His new life had begun.




A/N: Obviously, you must've realized that this isn't your typical fanfiction. This is exactly what I'm going for. Please give me your input!

Chapter 2: Finding a Purpose and a Nemesis
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A/N: Anything involving Harry Potter is, obviously, not mine. . And there is a reason why Neville is reading this, I promise. Now start taking notes…




Neville collapsed onto his bed and pulled out his newly purchased book. According to what he had read so far, he possessed potential, though he wasn't sure how to harness it. It didn't matter really, for he wasn't planning on becoming a full-fledged evil villain. His intentions were different.

But if he were to become an evil villain, the name "Neville Longbottom" just wasn't going to cut it. The name "Neville" hardly struck fear into the hearts of men. And Longbottom? No global conqueror would be caught dead with a last name that contained the word "bottom." If he were to become evil he would have to change his name to something mysterious or enigmatic...but what though? He could pull a Voldemort and rearrange the letters in his name...

Unfortunately, the only two titles he managed to create using this approach were "Vontlom ill Gebt" and "Lil Nevogott Lenbom", neither of which were the least bit intimidating. He did seriously contemplate shortening the second one to "Lil Lenbom" for a good amount of time however.

Sighing, Neville opened the book and began to read.




Chapter Two
Finding A Purpose and a Nemesis

All right, you're evil. So what?! There are plenty of evil people in this world who sit around and do nothing, snacking on their cockroach clusters while making fun of their neighbors' relatives. You, however, do not wish to be one of them. You wish to do something important with your new-found evil potential.

Every evil villain needs a purpose. Some want to purge the world of muggles and mudbloods, some want to take control and become the ultimate ruler of all they see, and others want to become insanely rich by putting subliminal messages in popular songs that cause all who hear them to want to consume large amounts of pudding. It doesn't matter what your goal is, all that matters is that you have one. Preferably, an evil one.




Having trouble thinking of your evil goal?
Here are some things that might trigger an idea in your mind.

Squirrels and chipmunks roam the streets of your hometown, living in your trees without a care.

Dancing is both fun and good for your health.

Global domination would allow you to control anything and everything that happens. Wouldn't you like to know that you are the high and almighty ruler of all you see?

Muggles

You are better than everybody else. Isn't it time you let them know it?

Hopefully that helped. Once you formulate your evil goal, take out a sheet of nice stationary and jot it down so that you don't forget.




You have an end to journey towards, that's great! However, you must realize that now that you have the beginnings of an evil plot, you are going to need a nemesis.

No matter what you want to accomplish in your evil endeavors, there will always be someone to stand in your way. This person will be against everything you stand for and will go to extreme lengths to defeat you whenever it is necessary. Though this may sound like a bad thing, it isn't! Every evil villain needs a nemesis for the following reasons:

1.) Evil villains like to rant, and if they have someone to rant about, everything is just so much easier.

2.) You get your name out there. Your nemesis will constantly speak of how they "have to defeat you" and consequently will spread the word that you are evil.

3.) Things become more personal .

4.) If your evil plan does not go well, you still have a chance to succeed in the world of villainy by making the life of your nemesis rather unpleasant.

But WHO will be your nemesis? Your nemesis can be either one person or a group of people. If you chose a group however, make sure it is small. Examples of appropriate small groups would be the Potters, the illegal immigrants that live in your neighbor's basement, or the chess squad. You want to hate your enemy on a personal level, and this is just not possible if you're trying to personally hate a large amount of people. Examples of inappropriate groups would be the town of Hajawaka Kentucky, all inhabitants of the Polynesian Islands, or the entire country of Iceland. It is all right if you are working against a large group, highly dislike them, or continually send them angry letters, but it is not right for you to call them your personal "nemesis".

The following list is of well-known evil villains and their respective arch enemies.

Lord Voldemort = Harry Potter

Draco Malfoy = Harry Potter

Lucius Malfoy = Harry Potter

All right, the whole Malfoy family = Harry Potter

The mayor of Hajawaka Kentucky = pie

The sister of Hermione's Revenge = Ohio (note: there are some exceptions to the large group rule)

Mimes = Hermione's Revenge

Cornelius Fudge = Harry Potter

Spiders = Ron Weasley

Snape = Harry Potter

(Harry Potter seems to have a lot of enemies…)

This list should get your imagination going? Who will be YOUR arch nemesis?




Neville put his book down and gazed upward at the ceiling. He new his nemesis...




A/N: Wow, you read all the way through to the end? I'm both shocked and impressed! Anyway please review, because reviews make me happy, and if you haven't already please check out my other stories (I have 6 up on mugglenet and 3 here)

Chapter 3: Evil Etiquette
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“Hey there Neville, what’re you reading,” Harry inquired.

“Oh nothing,” Neville replied, shoving his book under his pillow.

“Whatever,” Harry said with a shrug. “And I’m sorry that I couldn’t stop him yesterday, I didn’t get there fast enough.”

“It’s all right,” Neville assured him. “I’m planning on being able to take care of him myself. You won’t have to look after me anymore.”

“Whatever you say,” Harry said skeptically as he left the room.

Neville sighed and pulled his book back out from under his pillow.




Chapter Three
Evil Etiquette

Before we get into the real “meat” of evil villainy, we must first discuss evil etiquette. For example, have you ever seen an evil villain skipping through a field of daisies, or chatting merrily with the cashier at a cute little ice cream parlor? Do you think you’d find Lucius Malfoy taking pottery classes? Would Bellatrix Lestrange be caught dead taking interpretive dance lessons? No, of course not! There are certain rules for things like this!

The Evil Laugh

Every evil villain needs a signature evil laugh. However, their evil laugh must be, well, evil. For example, something along the lines of “mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha” is acceptable, whereas “tee-hee-hee-hee” is not suitable. A “tee-hee-hee” laugh does not instill fear into the hearts of men. In fact, it reminds them of cutesy things, such as fluffy pillows, or bunnies. Evil people are not usually associated with bunnies.

Below is a list of evilly acceptable laughs.

“Mwahaha”

“Ahahaha”

“Bwahaha”

“Nyahahaha”

“Meh-heh-heh”

“Heh-heh-heh”

“Nyeh-heh-heh”

The Evil Sneer

Sneering is an essential part of being an evil villain. At some point in time, all evil villains are required to sneer at something or someone, so you should prepare. However, sneering is no easy task! If this is done incorrectly, your sneer could come off as an expression of confusion or constipation. This is not something you want.

If you want to master your sneering techniques, try this exercise. Stand in front of your mirror at least once a day. Make eye contact with your reflection. Then, begin to sneer at yourself, making sure you don’t rush into it. Your sneer should come gradually and should have an aura of evil.

Still not comfortable with your sneering? Classes are offered in many different locations, the most popular being taught by the master of the sneer, Severus Snape. Send him an owl and make an appointment!

Evil Attire

Naturally, there are certain articles of clothing that an evil villain should not be seen wearing. For example, a mauve sundress is not something that you would be able to conquer the world wearing. The evil population of the world must make careful decisions when it comes to fashion.

What you should do: Capes are always in fashion, especially those in darker, more malevolent colors. Occasionally a villain might want to go for a monochromatic look, but this can sometimes seem tacky. Boots are usually a good edition. Also, ridiculous articles of clothing that serve no practical purpose and have absolutely no meaning are all the rage; examples include random sport jackets, glitter, togas, or oddly colored socks.

What you shouldn’t do: Avoid anything fluffy, as this will make people want to pet you. Evil villains are not to be petted. Also, pink is usually not a good color choice, though there are a few good evil villains who can pull it off.

The Evil Plotting Look

All right, so you’re plotting. How will you let everyone know? A good evil villain has an “evil plotting look” that allows those around him or her to know that they are having an evil moment. If you feel it necessary, mutter words along the lines of “yeeeeeeeees” or “perfect” while showing off your plotting look to add to the effect. Do not confuse your evil plotting look with your evil sneer!

Pets

Some evil villains own pets to add to their evil aura. Typically an evil pet is a smaller animal that can be held in the lap and petted while the owner has an evil moment. Below is a list of acceptable pets.

Cat

Small dog (to be held)

Large dog (to act as a guard dog)

Snake (especially good if you are a Parselmouth)

Hermit Crab

Hamster

Bunny (sometimes)

Lobster

Tiger

Shark (to feed your enemies to)

Chicken (to confuse your enemies)

The Evil Phrase

Some evil villains have a trademark phrase. This is one way to make a name for yourself; people hear your catch phrase and think, hey, that’s (insert evil name here)’s line! It doesn’t have to be something witty…for example, one of Professor Snape’s evil phrases is simply, “you fail.”

Here are some helpful tips to aid you in creating your evil phrase

1.) Does it rhyme? Do I want it to rhyme?

2.) Is it easy to remember?

3.) Does it imply evil?

4.) Does it suit my personal evil style?

5.) Is it already in use?

6.) Is it original?

7.) Does it make people think, “Hey, there’s a good evil villain!”

8.) Does it make me want to rule the world?

9.) Does it have anything to do with polka?

10.) Will it insult others or make them feel inferior?

The Evil Jig

Not all villains can pull off the evil jig. For example, if Professor Umbridge was seen jigging, would it really add to her evilness? Or if you saw good old Voldemort doing a little dance along with his death eaters, would you think, “hey, I think I’m going to cower in fear!” Only a select few evil villains are capable of successfully executing a trademark evil jig. Make your decision carefully.

Evil Parties

Yes, as an evil villain you will be invited to a few parties. But how do you act? Remember to stick to the rules of evil etiquette while still making sure you have a good time! Below are some important things to keep in mind.

1.) If you feel it necessary, take on the role of the “mysterious loner by the punch bowl.”

2.) Don’t feel guilty about eating all the hor’d’avoures. You’re evil, remember?

3.) Talk about your evil plans. People find this interesting.

4.) If you’re bored, try accidentally-on-purpose bumping into someone and spilling butterbeer on their robes. Claim that it was unintentional, or, if you’re feeling daring, shout, “THAT’LL NEVER COME OUT IN THE WASH!”

5.) Put your sneer or evil plotting look into use.

6.) Point and laugh at someone. Don’t tell them why.

7.) Start up a conversation with someone. Halfway through, gasp and mutter something like, “so you’re the one he said was ugly!”

8.) When someone puts their wand down, snap it and blame it on someone else.

9.) Apparate and disapparate into the room at random times to annoy people.

10.) One word. Karaoke.

11.) Go up to any random woman and comment, “Hey, those are the robes I saw on the clearance rack at discount Dan’s!”

12.) Do your evil laugh. Magically magnify your voice so that everyone with in a mile can hear it.

Study these concepts of evil etiquette and in no time, you’ll be able to mingle with the evil big-shots!




Neville put the book down and stared into space. Sure, this all sounded good in theory, but would it really work in a real-life setting?

Ron entered the room. “C’mon Neville, we’re all going down to dinner.”

Neville pointed at him and began to laugh.

“What?” Ron asked, sounding a bit panicked. When Neville did not respond, Ron rushed over to a mirror and inspected his reflection. “What’re you laughing at?”

“Oh nothing.”




A/N: Whooo! There it is, chapter three. Sorry for the long delay, but I’ve been swamped with stuff to do and was only spending about 9-10 hours at my house, 7 of which were spent sleeping. Reviews are much appreciated. Also, if anyone cares, I’m working on updating my other stories now as well. Enjoy!


Chapter 4: Your Evil Plan
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Neville had been taking notes in a small notebook of his.

Chapter Three Notes

1.) Evil laugh = heh-heh-heh

2.) Practice sneer – currently mine looks like I’ve just eaten a lemon

3.) Wear evil clothes – buy a cape? Can I pull off pink?

4.) Work on evil plotting look

5.) Does Trevor count as an evil pet?

6.) Work on evil phrase - do I want it to rhyme? Does it suit my personal evil style?

7.) No evil jig

8.) Practice evil tactics on Ron.

This book was incredibly helpful – in no time he’d be able to confront his nemesis without embarrassing himself. Determined to succeed, he pulled out his quill and opened up to chapter four.



Chapter Four
Formulating Your Evil Plan

Now that you’re looking evil and acting evil, it’s about time for you to formulate an elaborate and somewhat impossible evil plan. Remember that purpose you came up with from Chapter Two? Now’s the time to put it to use! (NOTE: If you don’t yet have a purpose, please re-read chapter two. This will help you formulate a purpose. If you still don’t have a purpose after that, try doing aerobics. Or learn to juggle. If that doesn’t help, then you’re on your own.)

An example would best illustrate evil plotting. Willy Wizard is a good evil villain. He is a master at sneering and his evil plotting look makes everyone around him think hey, that guy’s evil. His evil purpose is to steal the magic lemon drop from Wanda Witch’s fancy parchment shop. But how exactly is he going to do so?

Step One: Stop and Think
Normally, your evil purpose will involve defeating your nemesis in some way. What is the best way to do so? In devising an evil plan you must consider every possibility and map out your every move.

Willy Wizard has decided that after Wanda Witch closes up her fancy parchment shop, he will apparate inside and steal the magic lemon drop.

Step Two: Get your henchman or sidekick to do the rest of your plotting, and then take all the credit
Most evil villains aren’t good at plotting. Typically, they lack all common sense. Therefore their evil plans usually lack logic or thought and fail miserably. Because of this, most evil villains will go to their sidekicks or henchmen and ask them for advice, only to steal their ideas in the end. Your sidekick or henchman won’t mind – that’s what they’re there for! (Some evil villains skip this stage)

Willy Wizard has discovered a flaw in his plan. He can’t apparate inside Wanda Witch’s shop, because she has security spells protecting it. Also, there’s a good chance that similar security spells protect her magic lemon drop. However, he refuses to give up, and goes to his trusty henchman Larry to figure out a plan. Larry suggests that Willy enter the shop inconspicuously before Wanda closes and then, when she’s not looking, transfigure himself into a bug. He should stay like a bug until she closes and then, morph back into his human state. Before trying to touch the lemon drop he should perform many spells to counteract the security spells and then, instead of touching the lemon drop himself, he should magically move it to the ground. After that he should transfigure himself into a rat, put the lemon drop in his mouth (without eating it!), and then exit the shop.

Silly Larry, Willy Wizard says, Willy already thought of this plan and told him before. He just didn’t remember!

Step Three: Let the whole world know you have a plan
There’s no fun in having an evil plan unless the entire world knows about it! Spread the word – you’re going to do something criminal!

Willy Wizard tells everyone he’s up to no good. He even goes as far as to put an ad in the Daily Prophet!

Step Four: Execute your plan
This one pretty much speaks for itself! However, don’t completely execute your plan…you still have to finish step five!

Willy Wizard follows Larry’s…I mean his brilliant plan. However, just as he retrieves the lemon drop, he stops.

Step Five: Explain your evil plan to your nemesis in excruciating detail
Explaining your evil plan to your nemesis in excruciating detail is a tradition among evil villains. True, it lowers your chance of success and serves absolutely no practical purpose, but that’s the way we evil villains work things!

Willy Wizard uses the fireplace in Wanda Witch’s shop to tell her about how he stole her lemon drop and about how he’s about to run off with it. He leaves out absolutely no details and adds invented facts where he feels it necessary.

Step Six: Succeed evilly or Fail pitifully
If you succeed evilly, make sure the entire world knows it! However 99 out of 100 times you will fail pitifully, usually due to the consequences of step five. That’s just the way things are…but don’t let it get you down! Next time you’ll get ‘em.

Wanda Witch immediately arrives at her shop and has Willy arrested. Sorry Willy, maybe next time.



Sure, that might’ve seemed a bit depressing, but don’t let it get you down! Failure is just a part of evil villainy. You’ll have to deal with it. Actually, many evil villains use this failure as inspiration for further malicious acts and hateful actions. So you take those lemons, and turn them into lemonade! Evil lemonade.

Not sure if your evil plan is up to par? Ask yourself these questions:

1.) Will my plan, if executed correctly, help me accomplish my purpose?

2.) Is my plan evil, hateful, malicious, malevolent, spiteful, wicked, nasty, or just downright mean? If not, it’s just not going to fly.

3.) Does my plan make sense?

4.) Does my plan make too much sense?

5.) Is my plan original? Is it something novel and creative, or is it your stereotypical, mundane global domination scenario?

6.) Is my plan something that everyone can understand? If so, do I want everyone to understand it? If not, do I understand it?

7.) Does my evil plan accurately suit my personal evil style?

8.) Will my evil plan make people think, “hey, there’s a real evil guy!” or “wow, what a wannabe!”

9.) Does your plan make you want to cackle?

10.) Is your plan completely legal? If so, get back to the drawing board!



So, have you come up with an evil plan yet? If not, there’s no need for worrying. These things don’t come all at once, and a really bad case of evil plotter’s block is enough to drive anyone crazy! So relax, an idea will come in time. Take a bath or something, an oatmeal bath, if you’re into that. Or go and make yourself a sandwich. That’ll help.



Neville paused. An evil plan…well, the only thing he could come up with was ridiculously simple. However, he realized that though it was pretty uncomplicated, it just might be crazy enough to work. His nemesis would never see it coming…

He began to cackle evilly. He had been practicing.



A/N: And there it is, Chapter Four. Yes, I am going to tell you Neville’s nemesis eventually…but that’s for later on in the story. If I told you now, why would you want to keep reading? And if you're bored remember - I have other stories up on this site and 6 up on mugglenet!

Chapter 5: Your Original Evil Style and Pointless Evil
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“Neville, are you sure you don’t want me to take care of him?” Harry asked for what seemed like the millionth time.

“No,” he replied solemnly. “I want to do this on my own. I’m almost ready to take him on, I think.”

Harry looked at him skeptically. “Don’t do anything drastic…it’s just not worth it!”

Neville turned to face him. “Maybe it’s not worth it for you, but it is for me!”

Harry shrugged. He knew that arguing with him would be stupid. “Whatever you want.”

“Just promise me,” Neville called to him before he left the room, “that you’ll let me do this on my own.”

Harry sighed and nodded. “Whatever you want,” he repeated.

Neville slumped down into his bed and pulled out his book. He was almost ready…



Chapter Five
Your Original Evil Style and Pointless Evil


You have your purpose, your nemesis, your evil plan, and you know proper evil procedures…so what now? There are plenty of evil villains in the world; you have to set yourself apart. Many times in previous chapters the topic of “your original evil style” has been brought up, but what does that really mean? You need to be unique!

But how exactly can you go about being an individual in a profession like this? And what aspects of this career have room for originality? First, you need to evaluate yourself.

Evaluation: Answer the questions below either ‘yes’ or ‘no’

1.) Does your evil laugh sound just like someone else’s?

2.) When you attend an evil villain’s convention or evil gathering, are you indistinguishable from all the other evil villains?

3.) When people hear your evil name, do they say Wait…who?

4.) Do people refer to you as so-and-so’s friend or that guy who stole the whatsit from what’s-her-face?

5.) In reality, has absolutely no one ever heard of you?

6.) Does your nemesis occasionally forget your name and often times forget exactly why they are your nemesis?

7.) Do you doubt your evil abilities?

If you answered “yes” to four or more of these questions, then there is a chance that you have become a Mundane Evil Villain, or a MEV for short. There is nothing special about you, nothing that sets you apart. You are just like every other evil guy in town, cackling and talking about your plans for world conquest. But fret not! There is help for you!

In this chapter we will discuss ways to cultivate your distinctive evil style! To start things out, ask yourself these questions:

1.) What evil image do I want to project to the rest of the world?

2.) Who do I want my message to be aimed towards? Wizards? Muggles? Both?

3.) Appearance is important – how can my appearance enhance the message I am trying to send?

4.) Is there any way my appearance can reflect my evil purpose?

5.) What message does my body language send people?

6.) What message do I want my body language to send people?

7.) When people listen to me talk, what do I want them to feel? Fear? Admiration? Confusion?

8.) How do I want people to remember me?

9.) Where do I carry my wand? Does this say anything about me?

10.) What kind of evil do I want to be?

11.) Did I understand the previous question?

12.) How do I feel when performing nefarious acts?

13.) How do I want to feel when performing nefarious acts?

14.) Do I know what nefarious means?

15.) It means “wicked, evil, or despicable.”

16.) Number fifteen was not a question – how did I feel about that?

After answering the previous questions, you should have a good idea of where you stand in the world of evil originality, as well as where you would like to stand. You may be wondering, how can I make myself stand out in the world of evil? Well my friend, the answer is quite simple. Pointless evil.

You may be thinking to yourself, what exactly is pointless evil? Well the answer is quite simple – it is evil, that is pointless. You know what I’m talking about! Completely random acts of malevolence that you commit just for funsies! In between dastardly schemes, many evil villains will do assorted criminal things for absolutely no reason at all! These impromptu acts of wickedness usually have no point and are often done for the sole purpose of amusement! Need an example? Read on!

Remember Willy Wizard from the previous chapter? Well, his first evil plan has failed and he’s in the process of formulating his second. However, in all his planning he hasn’t done anything truly criminal in a while, and he wants to make a name for himself! So to satisfy his thirst for wrongdoing, and to get his name out there, he harasses unwary tourists at a muggle theme park.

Need some suggestions for pointless evil acts?

Steal candy from a baby.

Stand in a muggle elevator and talk incessantly to those who board it.

Send your wizard neighbors owls with fake letters from the ministry, stating that they are being summoned to court.

Collect gnomes from your garden and send them over to your neighbor’s house.

Don’t color inside the lines.

Pull people’s seats out from underneath them.

Levitate your co-workers’ lunches while they are trying to eat them.

Sing loudly and refuse to stop.

Tell everyone you meet of your ideas for a new muggle reality show.

Chatter continuously to any of your Death Eater friends about “how cute that Potter boy’s scar is.”

Chatter continuously to any of your Death Eater friends about “how cute that Potter boy is.”

Stand outside on a sidewalk and refuse to let people pass you unless they give you “the password.”

Send out random howlers.

Spread rumors among the death eaters that Wormtail has a crush on Voldemort.

Send out random howlers…to yourself!

When in the midst of a crowd, begin to have spasms and then, bellow out a “prophesy.” Make it believable.

Whenever someone asks you a question, give them a long, rambling response such as: “The answer is seventeen. If that doesn’t make sense to you, borrow some nice stationary from someone and scribble the words “I love Canadian bacon” on it. Promptly throw it out the nearest window. In approximately twenty-seven seconds you should receive an owl from “Spicy Pete.” In his owl, Spicy Pete should tell you to meet him at the market with the “little dandies” in twenty minutes. By “little dandies” he means cherry tomatoes. By “the market” he means the bank. And by “twenty minutes” he means seven and a half. Once you arrive at the bank you should see a large cauldron with a single toothflossing stringmint inside it. Place the cherry tomatoes inside the cauldron and leave immediately, making sure that no one is following you. At this time you will need to go out and buy new boots, preferably ones that are pointy and appear as if they had come from a time capsule from the eighties. After purchasing your boots, return to the cauldron at the bank. You should find that the cherry tomatoes are gone and in their place is a large poster of Argus Filch. Give this poster to the first witch who asks you where you bought your boots. Afterwards, apparate back to your house and you should find three kneazles and a niffler in your kitchen. Everything should make sense to you then.”

Break out into dance whenever you feel it necessary. Evil dance, that is.

Knock over the ice cream cones of innocent victims.

By now your mind should be bursting with pointless, immoral things to do. So get out there and do them! This will help you develop your personal evil style and eventually, will help you know yourself better. Pointless evil is good for the soul.


A/N: Thanks for reading and remember - reviews are always appreciated!

Chapter 6: Quiz time!
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A/N: Alas, an update! Sorry I’ve been taking so long getting these updates out (with this and with Target Practice, in case you’re following that) but I’ve got this horrible little nuisance called “school” to deal with. And then there are those lousy friends of mine…funny, they always seem to want to spend time with me. (Ha!) So here it is…



Finally the day had come…


Neville was nervous, very nervous. After so much thought, preparation, and anticipation, the day that he was planning to confront his nemesis had finally come. He intended to actually go and face his enemy later in the afternoon so that he could use the morning to muster up some courage. It wasn’t going well.

“Blimey Neville, you’re pale as anything,” Ron commented as he noticed Neville’s sallow face. “Something wrong?”

“No,” Neville replied immediately. “Everything’s fine!”

Ron gave him a look. “You’ve been acting funny for a while now. Seriously though, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong!” Neville snapped defensively. “But,” he added as an afterthought, “if you find me dead in a hallway sometime this afternoon, make sure to get my body out of the way.”

“Will do,” he agreed. “Any reason why I might find you dead this afternoon?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Neville told him. “I need to learn to stand up to people.”

“All right then,” Ron said. “Just don’t do anything completely stupid, otherwise I might feel guilty for not bothering you more and then trying to stop you.”

Ron gave up on questioning Neville and set off to find something else to amuse himself with. Meanwhile, as a final confidence booster, Neville reached for his trusty handbook and began to read the final chapter.



Chapter Six
A Test of Your Knowledge


In the past five chapters you have obtained a vast amount of highly useful knowledge that you can put to use in almost any field of work. But how much of it do you actually remember? Have you been studying, or have you been brushing this off for something like scuba diving or watching muggles shop for appliances? Well, we will soon find out! Break out your quills and cheating devices, it’s quiz time!

Write your answers on a separate piece of parchment. Cheating is perfectly acceptable.

Question Number One

Your name is Kiki Mafalda Finkleton and you are a respectable cauldron saleswoman. One day you wake up and decide that the cauldron business is not for you. Instead, you want to follow your dream of becoming an evil villain. Immediately you begin to try to gather supporters, but you are having difficulty. From the information provided, explain why.

Question Number Two

You have an evil villain friend who has cleverly named herself Alana Kedavra. She has gathered a large mass of supporters that she has named the Black Ravens. Together with the Black Ravens she strives to find the best pastries in Ontario. Despite the fact that she and her followers are evil and scare children and small animals away, she cannot seem to make a name for herself and has not gotten far in the world of evil villainy. Please explain, using the information given, why this is so.

Question Number Three

You are in the process of formulating your evil plan. You have already come up with one, though it is somewhat unwise, leaves a lot of empty gaps, makes little to no sense, and will most likely fail. What do you do now?

Question Number Four

Can successful evil villains wear pink?



At this point in time, Neville looked away from his book. For some strange, unknown reason he had been overcome with a wave of confidence. He could be evil and intimidating…his nemesis wouldn’t be able to kill him! If he stuck to the plan he had carefully laid out, he would be able to successfully defeat his enemy and get what he wanted and deserved.

With a newfound confidence, he continued to read.



Question Number Five

You are in the midst of executing your evil plan. Your henchmen are wreaking havoc and your nemesis seems to be thoroughly afraid. Everything is going exactly as you planned it. However, you soon get the feeling that something is not right. You look around and see a random flock of chickens wandering around, for no apparent reason.

Shaking your head, you ignore this strange reality and decide to confront your nemesis face to face. You approach them and get into a traditional verbal fight. Everything is going well until for some strange, bizarre reason, you find that you have accidentally confessed your undying love for your nemesis. Is this an acceptable situation to abandon your evil plan? If so, why?

Question Number Six

You are sitting at a table eating with a few of your Death Eater friends during the lunch break of your Death Eater meeting. Right before your friend Bobby picks up his sandwich to take a bite out of it, you whip out your wand and levitate his sandwich. You then repeat this three times. After Bobby has threatened to “kill you if you don’t let me eat this lousy sandwich,” you begin to voice some of your more interesting opinions. That Potter boy…he just has the cutest scar! And those eyes of his, aren’t they just darling! They’re his mother’s eyes, it’s going to be important later in the story you know. What are these actions an example of?

Six questions should be enough to determine how much you’ve learned in the past five chapters! Put your quills away please and proceed in reading the correct answers and comparing them with your own. Good luck!

Answer Number One

You are not able to gather supporters because your name is Kiki Mafalda Finkleton. This name is far from malevolent. When henchmen are looking for a villain to work for, they know that villains with funny names never get far and rarely succeed.

Answer Number Two

Alana Kedavra is not successful in the business of evil because her purpose is not evil. True, she has a goal to work towards, but it is in no way despicable or malicious. Even though she has a name that inspires fear and a group of unified supporters, the fact that her purpose is completely idiotic prevents her from success.

Answer Number Three

Half credit if you said “go through with it anyway.” The completely correct answer is to have your henchmen or sidekick come up with an evil plan, but then take the credit for it yourself. That’s what your henchmen are there for! You don’t just have them to do your laundry and pick up your dry cleaning…

Answer Number Four

Yes! Though not all evil villains are able to pull this off, a select few are capable of using pink to their advantage. You-Know-Who is not one of them.

Answer Number Five

Yes, abandoning your evil plan in this situation is perfectly acceptable and highly recommended. This is because of two main reasons. The first is the random flock of chickens – it is a good idea to retreat if you suddenly find yourself in a situation that involves poultry of any kind. Also, you should stop going through with your evil plan if you find that you’ve accidentally confessed your love for your nemesis, because this can get very awkward. You don’t want that now, do you?

Answer Number Six

These actions are an example of pointless evil, an important part of establishing your personal evil style.

So, how many did you answer correctly?

By now, you should hopefully be ready to go out into the world of evil and make a name for yourself. You will soon find yourself surrounded with exiting people doing exciting things! Nervous? Don’t be! After reading this helpful guide, you should be ready for anything you will face in the evil world. So go, get out there, and start your scheming!



Neville felt confident and certain of himself. This afternoon, he would find his nemesis and demand that they return to him what was rightfully his.

“Goyle doesn’t stand a chance…”



A/N: HA! So now you all know who Neville’s nemesis is! But what is Neville going to do? The next chapter will tell you! And I have a feeling that this isn’t the last part of the book you’re going to read…how do I know? Because I’m the author, of course!

Remember, reviews are much appreciated!


Chapter 7: Confrontation
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A/N: Alas, in this chapter we do not only discover why Goyle is Neville’s nemesis, but also how Neville confronts him! This is the second to last chapter for those of you who are interested – I really can’t keep a story like this going for too long. Anyway, enjoy!



Neville knew that dwelling on his fears of confronting Goyle was useless, so he decided to get to the library as soon as possible to get things over with. Hopefully, he thought to himself, there wouldn’t be many other people there. It was going to be hard enough for him to stand up to Goyle on his own; having a crowd of gawking spectators surely would not make things any easier. Pretending to feel confident, he entered the library and hoped for the best.

Neville spotted him right away. There he was, Gregory Goyle, sitting stupidly in Neville’s usual library seat. Ever since their first year, Neville had sat in the same seat in the library on certain afternoons to try and complete some of his homework. Then, on that fateful day, he had entered the library and discovered none other than Mr. Goyle sitting in his particular seat. At first, Neville had thought it would only last for a day. However, he soon realized that Goyle was there to stay.

“This is my seat,” Neville had said to him one Saturday afternoon about a month or so before. “I do my homework here…I can’t do it anywhere else!”

“Go away,” was all that Goyle said in reply.

Though he had been a bit intimidated by Goyle’s bulk, Neville pressed on. “You don’t understand, I’ve tried to get things done in other seats but it just doesn’t work! I can’t focus on schoolwork sitting anywhere but right there!”

Goyle grunted. Then, in one swift movement, he had snatched the quill out of Neville’s hand. If it had been any other quill, Neville wouldn’t have minded, only the quill that Goyle had taken had been Neville’s lucky quill. It was the only thing that helped him pass classes like potions and transfiguration.

“Erm…I kind of need that,” Neville had meekly said.

By that time Goyle had gotten overly annoyed. He wasn’t sure exactly what Neville wanted…all he knew was that someone was bothering him and he wanted this distraction to go away. So, in one swift motion he stood up, lifted Neville off the ground, and tossed him to the side.

Neville shuddered at the memory of it. Since then, his homework assignments had been far from his best, and he had failed two potions tests and a transfiguration quiz. He needed to get back what was his, once and for all…

Walking with his head held high he approached Goyle.

“Could you move, please?” Neville said calmly to him. “You’re in my seat.”

Goyle looked up at him and grunted.

“I know the only reason you’re sitting there is because you don’t want me sitting there,” he continued.

Goyle laughed and nodded.

Neville began to think. Something in his handbook would certainly come in handy here. Henchmen…he needed henchmen…but he didn’t have them. However, he thought to himself with a grin, Goyle didn’t know that.

“I don’t want to have to do this,” Neville said with a sigh, “but I believe you’re forcing me to get my henchmen.”

“What?”

“My henchmen!” Neville repeated, rolling his eyes. “I have a big group of guys who’d be glad to help me get rid of you! They do whatever I tell them to do and trust me, you don’t want to get them angry. My henchmen get quite rowdy when they’re angry.”

Goyle stared at him for a moment, scratching his head. “You’re lying.”

“Think what you want!” Neville snappily replied. He then put his evil laugh to use, proud of how far he had come with it.

Goyle looked both confused and slightly apprehensive after Neville had finished his evil laugh. Though he wasn’t the sharpest quill in the ink, he knew that most people didn’t laugh the way Neville just had unless they are serious about something. This Neville character was up to something…

“My henchmen will enjoy getting rid of you, they’ve been quite bored lately,” he went on. He then moved his hand to his chin and employed his new evil plotting look.

“What are you thinking about?” Goyle asked. Even in his stupidity he was aware that the expression on Neville’s face showed that he was planning to do something maniacal.

“Oh, nothing.” Neville snickered.

Goyle was confused. This kid…did he really have henchmen? And he was planning to do something crazy…maybe he should just give up the seat.

“You know,” Neville said, interrupting Goyle’s thoughts (Goyle’s head had begun to hurt – he wasn’t used to thinking), “I could just use my henchmen and evil plan on someone else if you just give me back my seat and my quill.”

The quill…Goyle thought for a moment. It was a really good quill, sometimes he thought it might even be lucky. “No,” he replied. “Get lost.”

For a moment, Neville paused. He hadn’t expected Goyle to resist for so long and wasn’t sure what to do next. Then suddenly, a brilliant idea came to his mind. It was obvious that Goyle’s mind was already a bit muddled from all the thinking he had been forced to do, and surely he wouldn’t be able to stand much more mayhem. Neville decided to use some of his pointless evil tactics to attempt to confuse him, in hopes that he would end up so befuddled that he’d be forced to leave.

Neville poked him in the shoulder.

“What was that for?” Goyle demanded.

“It’s a precautionary measure,” Neville replied. “In case they try to take me again.”

“Wait…who?”

“Wingardium Leviosa!” Neville levitated Goyle’s book.

Goyle gazed dumbly at his floating textbook. “Hey…bring that back down!”

With a flick of his wand, Neville brought the book crashing on top of Goyle’s head.

“Hey! Do you wanna get killed?” Goyle stood up, snarling angrily.

Neville had saved the best for last. “Listen here,” he said to Goyle. “The answer is twenty-four, but you didn’t hear it from me. If you’re not sure of what I mean, send a howler to yourself about the ‘mayonnaise incident.’ Five minutes and fourteen seconds after it arrives you should receive an owl from a man in Reykjavik, explaining what to do with your left socks and the ball of yarn. After you read the letter, rip it up into little shreds and give them to the first person who asks you what time it is. Then you have to go to the great hall and sing your name to the tune of the Canadian national anthem. Once you’re done, go back to the Slytherin common room and a box should be waiting for you, containing twelve liters of tomato paste. Everything should make sense then.”

Goyle rubbed his head. Tomato paste…Canada…Aunt Bernice?

“Aauagh!” he bellowed, covering his face with his hands. “I…I…take your seat and quill back!” And with that he tossed the lucky quill onto the table and sprinted out of the library.



Praise for Evil Villainy for Dummies

“The most well-written handbook I’ve seen in years.” - Griselda Moosicle, author of Dancing with Doom

“In this little manual, Knowles makes the art of evil villainy easy for people of all backgrounds to understand. Even if you are not an aspiring villain, this handbook is an enjoyable, educational read.” - Evil Villain’s Digest

“Only one word can describe this. Swedish meatballs. Wait…that’s two words…” – Lucius Malfoy, Death Eater

“You loser, I did all the work that went into putting this book together and you passed it off as your own!” – Delia McGallagher

“Never before have I seen so much useful information compiled into a single source. This is the most practical reference book I own.” – Octavius Jones, editor of The Cleveland Cackle

“If not for this book, I would be nowhere near where I am today.” – Lord Voldemort, who wishes for this comment to remain anonymous

“Sheer brilliance.” - The Evil Shadow of London



A/N: Alas, one more chapter to go! Of course you should review, like always. I need power for that review-powered jet-ski!


Chapter 8: Epilogue - A success story/About the Author
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A/N: A short epilogue for some closure - enjoy!

In less than seven minutes and thirty-six seconds, everyone in Hogwarts had heard of Neville’s valiant defeat of Goyle. At first the details of the story stayed true, but after a while many of the facts began to get distorted. Some of the more interesting variations of the story included a tap dancing pineapple, twelve kneazles and an overripe banana, Neville turning into a walrus, and two pounds of grapes being squished into Goyle’s shoes. However, Neville didn’t mind people making up their own versions of his story. He was infamous, and was enjoying it quite a bit, regardless of what people thought.

All of the Gryffindors considered him to be somewhat of a hero, in a strange sort of way. In honor of Neville and his bravery they decided to throw a party in his honor that night in the Gryffindor common room. Several students snuck food from the kitchens so that there was enough to last them throughout the night. Also, Dean Thomas created a magnificent banner with an illustration of Neville dancing around Goyle on it. The entire house joined in on the celebration, throwing compliments at him left and right. It was a night to remember.

“How’d you manage to get your stuff back without Goyle killing you?” Harry inquired, patting Neville on the back.

“I had a little help,” he replied with a grin. “But I kind-of just…confused him. He’s not too bright, it didn’t take much to completely mix him up.”

“I’m proud of you mate,” Ron told him, taking a rather large bite out of a rather large cookie. “Yoo a rewwar hewoo.”

“What?”

Ron swallowed his bite. “You’re a regular hero.”

“I feel more confident now,” Neville stated, standing up straighter. “I mean, I feel like I’m not going to let anyone push me around anymore!”

“What about Snape?” Harry asked with a grin.

Neville paused. “Well there are some exceptions.”

“You know,” Harry thought aloud, “I saw Goyle walking through the halls earlier today, after you took care of him him. He looked really…I dunno…he looked as if his brain had been fried.”

“Fried?” Ron repeated. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“He was rubbing his head and muttering to himself,” Harry went on, laughing a bit at the memory. “I only caught the words ‘Reykjavik,’ ‘Aunt Bernice,’ and ‘howler’.”

Neville grinned. “Ah yes, the joys of pointless evil.”

Harry and Ron exchanged looks.

“Is there something you want to tell us?” Ron asked jokingly.

“I’ll let you use your imaginations,” Neville replied. “Right now, I think I’m going to get myself a cookie.”



Meanwhile, in the Slytherin common room…

Malfoy was infuriated. Only a few minutes earlier, he had heard from a scrawny second year girl that Neville Longbottom had taken down Goyle, his bodyguard. This was not good. One of his best cronies had just lost his credibility, and quite frankly, Malfoy wasn’t sure what he was going to do about this. He didn’t want to go through the hassle of hiring another crony; this would take weeks of interviews and hours of reading résumés. Snarling, he stormed across the room to confront Goyle.

“Oy!” Malfoy bellowed. “What’s this I hear about you and Neville?”

Goyle looked up and moaned. “My head still hurts,” he whined, massaging his forehead.

“I can’t believe you let this happen!” Malfoy went on, making sure his disgust was evident in his voice. “I’m even considering replacing you!”

“Replace…what? No! Where would I go?”

Malfoy crossed his arms and sneered. “Oh yes. I mean, I can’t have a crony who allowed a kid like Longbottom to beat him up and then fill his shoes with pudding! You’ve lost your credibility!”

For a moment, Goyle stared blankly into space. “Wait…he didn’t beat me up,” he muttered to himself. Apparently, he hadn’t caught wind of the new rumors that had begun to spread throughout the school. “And I don’t remember pudding…or maybe he did…I’m even more confused than I thought…”

And with that, he went off to bed.



About the Author

Felix Asher Phineas Knowles is an aspiring evil villain living in the United States. His hobbies include evil villainy, baking cookies, interpretive dance and musical theater, bothering people with his flamboyant mannerisms, and messing around with expensive science equipment. This is the first handbook he has published and currently (while he is not plotting ways to manipulate people and conquer the world), he is working on his next project titled I’m telling Mom! The younger sibling’s handbook. Most of the work that went into making this book was done by a certain Delia McGallagher, but in the style of a true evil villain, Knowles has taken the credit for her work and passed it off as his own.

The concept of Evil Villainy for Dummies was thought up in the fall of 2004 while Knowles was performing certain nefarious acts. As he tormented his semi-innocent victims he thought to himself, some people might not know how to do this. How could I possibly help them? Afraid that evil was becoming a lost art, Knowles decided that a handbook should be published to make the world of evil clear to everyone. Not long after, he published Evil Villainy which explains the all the rules and techniques of evilness in a way that people of all backgrounds can understand. The book immediately began to receive praise from critics and villains alike. Today, Evil Villainy for Dummies has won a series of awards such as the Squeaky Sausage Medal from the British Villains League, the Golden Banana from the United States Evil Association, and the coveted Cardboard Cactus from the Canadian Association for Evil Villains and Pastry Chefs.

Also, another interesting though slightly irrelevant fact about Felix Asher Phineas Knowles is that he is one of the few evil villains that can successfully pull off wearing pink and dancing evilly. He is a self-proclaimed gender bender and lives by the motto, “Just because I eat children, doesn’t mean I don’t love them.”

A/N: And on that note, I end the story.

Remember to review! And I have plenty of other stories up, in case you like what I write.


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