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Whose Line is it Anyway? by H P Fan

Format: Short story
Chapters: 5
Word Count: 5,147

Rating: Mature
Warnings: Mild Language, Strong Language, Contains Slash (Same-Sex Pairing), Strong Violence

Genres: Humor
Characters: Draco, Harry, Remus Lupin, Ron, Snape

First Published: 02/11/2005
Last Chapter: 03/10/2005
Last Updated: 03/29/2005

A Harry Potter version of Whose Line is it Anyway with Remus as the host and Snape, Harry, Ron, and Malfoy as the contestants.

A/N: The show 'Whose Line is it Anyway' goes by the format of beeping out the big cursing, so this story will go with the same format as if you were watching the show. Rated R just to be safe. Thanx to sarha210 for the wonderful banner!

Chapter 1: Let's Make a Date
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A/N: All slash is kept to a bare minimum and I rated it as strong violence just to be safe.

“Good evening, everyone, and welcome to ‘Whose Line is it Anyway!’ Tonight’s contestants:
He’s all yours: Draco Malfoy!
He’ll probably die against Lord Voldemort: Harry Potter!
He smells like crap: Severus Snape!
He’s a loser compared to his brothers: Ron Weasley!
And, I’m your host, Remus Lupin, let’s come on down and have some fun!”
Remus walked down from the audience and into his seat as the audience applauded him. He waited for the audience’s applause to die down before talking:
“Welcome to ‘Whose Line is it Anyway’ where the points add up but don’t really matter. That’s right, the points would be like James and Sirius actually switching minds. It wouldn’t matter! For those who are new, here’s how it goes: We taught these four all about Muggle things and now they will play games that involve the Muggle things and they get points for whoever does the best. I don’t know why, but it just keeps the show going. Then, whoever has the most points, switches places with me and we all do a little activity.”
Everyone cheered at this, causing Remus to get encouraged. I don’t know why, but he just is getting encouraged.
“Okay, okay,” he said. “Before we begin, I’d just like to apologize to Harry, Ron, and Severus for the nasty remarks I said about them, it was all done just for humor. That said, let’s start with a game called ‘Let’s Make a Date.’ This is for all four of you.
Severus, you are on a dating service while Harry, Draco, and Ron, are the... lucky... bachelors. They each get a card, which they never saw before and they have to act out what they read on the card. Take it away when you’re ready.”
Speaking in a girlish Australian accent, Snape said, “Okay, bachelor number 1, I’d really want the first date to be something really special. Where would you take me?”
On the screen under Draco, it said ‘Avid Monster Truck Fan’ as Draco said in a very masculine voice, “YEAH! MONSTER TRUCK MANIA, MAN! YEAH! MONSTER TRUCK MANIA ROCKS! GO MONSTER TRUCKS, ON SUNDAY AT 5:00! YEAH!”
Then, he took his stool and flung it into the audience, knocking some people out. Everyone else said, “Ooh.”
Remus added, “That’s got to hurt.”
There was a pause, as Snape said, “Okay, I’ll make believe I have never seen that. Bachelor number 2, what is your favorite hobby?”
On the screen under Harry, it said ‘Out of Work TV Announcer Trying to Get Work’ as Harry said in a professional voice, “My favorite hobby is talking like this, this, this! I’d give you the entire scoop all the time for nothing because I am desperate, desperate, desperate! Please, please, please!”
“.... No,” Snape said simply. “You didn’t even answer my question!”
“Oh, come on!” Harry said, getting up. “I’d do anything, anything, anything for the job... Like this!”
Then, he turned to Draco and kissed him on the mouth. Draco tried getting away from Harry, but Harry grabbed him. There were screams of shock from the audience as Harry let go.
“You are one sick bastard, Potter!” Draco yelled.
“Well, it wasn’t like I wanted to do it!” Harry said. “I’m doing it for the money! I need a job!”
Draco felt like he was going to be sick as he walked over to Remus’ desk and threw up all over him. The audience gasped as Remus stood up and looked at Draco, disgusted.
“You are disgusting!” Remus shouted. “Okay, you know what, I’ll be right back, but just keep on going with the sketch!”
Then, he ran out of the studio to change his clothes. But, the game went on as Snape turned to Ron:
“Bachelor number 3, since bachelor number 2 wouldn’t answer my question, answer: What are your hobbies?”
On the screen under Ron, it said ‘Serial Arsonist With Foul Mouth’ while Ron said in a maniacal voice, “(BEEP) YOU, MOTHER(BEEP)ER! I LOVE FIRE! FIRE, LIKE THE COLOR OF MY HAIR! SEE IT?” he pointed to his hair in rage. “IT ROCKS! YEAH!”
Then, he took out his wand and blasted the audience with fire, burning them up. That’s when Remus came back and he immediately panicked and dumped water on them with his wand.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Remus said. “I think you blokes are taking this a little too seriously! I think we should –“
“NO, MONSTER TRUCKS ARE BETTER THAN FIRE!” Draco interrupted, shouting at Ron.
Then, Draco took Ron’s stool and smashed it over him. Harry ran over to them and shouted, “And here they go, it’s Ron vs. Draco, and –“
Remus buzzed the buzzer ten times interrupting Harry, Ron, and Draco.
“Okay, okay, okay!” he said. “Now, guess who they are. What was Draco?”
“Hmm... Let me think,” Snape said sarcastically in his normal voice. Then he added, “Of course! He was one of those monster truck fans... A big one.”
“Correct. What about Harry?”
“... I have no idea,” Snape said with no clue.
“Who usually introduces TV shows?” Remus asked.
“The announcer?” Snape said.
“What kind?”
“A homosexual that kisses boys to get work?” Snape asked.
“Correct... Sort of,” Remus said. “Now, Ron?”
“That was the easiest,” Snape said. “A foul-mouthed arsonist?”
“Correct!” Remus said, smiling as everyone went back to their seats. “A thousand points to Harry because Draco and Ron and crazy.”

A/N: Please R/R!

Chapter 2: 90 Second Alphabet and Scenes From a Hat
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“Moving on,” Remus said. “Let’s play a game called 90 Second Alphabet. This is for Harry, Draco, and Ron. We also have a special guest: Hermione Granger, everyone!”
The crowd went wild as Hermione walked out and gave Harry and Ron hugs. Draco wasn’t too happy to see her, but she ignored him.
“Okay, okay,” Remus said, causing the applause to die down. “Here’s how the game goes: The four of you will be acting out a scene with the catch of ever sentence having to begin with the next letter of the alphabet. I have a little stopwatch with me which means that you have to use up all the letters in 90 seconds.
“The scene is: Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco are double dating. Harry and Draco are homosexuals dating each other while Ron and Hermione are dating. It begins with Harry alone at his house and I’ll provide all the doorbell sounds. Now, what letter shall we start with, audience?”
There were shouts of “A!” and “Z” but Remus heard “X” clearer than any of the others and agreed to use that.
“Okay, Harry, on your mark, get set, GO!” Remus shouted and Harry went into his act:
“X-Files rule!” Harry said in a deep voice as Remus provided the doorbell sound. Harry walked over to where Draco was standing, made believe to open the door, and immediately kissed Draco on the lips, causing uproarious laughter from the audience.
“Yo, what’s up?” Harry said.
“.... Zilch,” Draco said, a bit stunned.
“Ah, I see,” Harry said. “By the way, your fly’s open.”
“Come on!” Draco said, making believe to zip his pants. “Damn it!”
“Eh, we all make mistakes,” Harry said.
Then, before Draco could answer, Remus provided the doorbell for Ron and Hermione to enter.
“Faye, Jimmy, what’s up?” Harry said, making up names for the two.
“GO, CANNONS!” Ron shouted. Harry and Draco looked stunned, but Hermione helped them out.
“He’s been doing that a lot, recently,” she said. “I don’t know why.”
“Jerk!” Draco shouted at Ron. Everyone looked at him, but he shrugged and mumbled, “I couldn’t come up with anything.”
“... ‘Kay,” Harry said. “Let’s go, shall we?”
“Mmm-hmm,” Ron said.
Then, they pretended to be driving in a car, while Ron shouted, “NOONE FOR MINISTER!”
“Oh, shut up!” Hermione said.
“Don’t tell me... oh, (beep),” Ron said, laughing at his mistake. “I mean.... Pie rocks!”
“Quoting Ron, ‘PIE ROCKS!’” Harry said in a very deep voice.
“ROCK MY SOCKS!” Ron said, then he started to make out with Hermione, who also followed the act. When she and Ron broke the kissing, Hermione muttered in his ear, “Meet me in my room when the show’s over.”
Ron nodded as Draco continued the skit:
“So, how long have you been going out?”
“Two days,” Hermione said.
“Uh, okay,” Harry said in shock.
“Vroom, vroom, vroom,” Ron said, imitating a car.
“What is your problem?” Draco asked.
That’s when Remus buzzed the buzzer and said, “That was so bad – I mean good. A thousand points apiece. Good job, guys!”
Everyone cheered for the trio as Hermione left the studio, Remus calling her name out so the audience can hear once more. Then he continued:
“Now, we’re going to play one of the original host’s favorite games: Scenes From a Hat! This is for all four you. The game is simple: Before the show began, we asked our audience members to write down suggestions to put down in our hat. We took the best suggestions and put it in our little cowboy hat, right here. Whatever the scene says, you act it out. And our first scene: Things Voldemort would never say to a woman.”
Snape went first, saying, “Hey, wanna’ go on a date?”
Then, Harry went, “Bellatrix, you look so hot.”
Ron was next, saying, “You’ve got the hottest breasts I’ve ever seen.”
“That would be something you’d be likely to say, Ron,” Remus said, taking out another suggestion, which read, “What the outcome of Harry and Voldemort’s final battle would be.”
Draco went first, “Okay, Harry, I’m tired of fighting. Want to be friends?”
Then, Ron went, pulling Harry and Snape in with him, and instructed, “Just make believe your fighting.” Harry and Snape did so when Ron came in using his gun as his hand.
“This fight is over,” he said in a cool voice.
“Who are you?” Harry asked.
“My name is Bond, James Bond,” he said, then he imitated a gun sound and made believe to shoot Harry and Snape to death.
“Now, that would be a great ending to the whole thing,” Remus said, in hysterics.
“True,” Harry said, as he kept on standing where he was as Snape and Ron went back to their own spots. Then, making believe he was Voldemort, he said, “Oh, screw this! The hero wins, anyway! Avada Kedavra!”
Making believe he was pointing a wand at himself and using the Killing Curse on himself, he dropped to the ground. Then, he got up and went back to his spot.
“What Remus probably is thinking during the show,” Remus read off the card. Then, he said sarcastically, “Oh, this should be good.”
Harry went first, and said in a mock think voice, “What the hell are they doing?”
Then, Snape went, saying, “When will this nightmare end?”
Then, Draco went, saying in mock think and in a wide grin, “Oh, God, she is really hitting the spot right now. More, baby, more!”
“Now, you’re just sick,” Remus said, laughing.
‘How does he know?’ Remus asked. Then, he kicked the girl down under the desk, telling her to stop, and she sneaked back into a seat behind him. No one noticed this as Ron went next:
“Crap, I’m so thirsty. How come they get drinks and I don’t?”
Then, Harry came back again, “I am sooooooo bored.”
Then, Ron came back once again, “When will they realize that I’m not a man?”
Then, Draco came back, “The next person who insults me will die!”
“Okay, one more,” Remus said, and reading off the card, he said, “What Vernon Dursley would say if he found out he was really a wizard.”
Snape went first. He turned his hand in the shape of a gun, pointed it to his head, and imitated a gunshot, dropping to the ground.
Next, Ron went, “.... (Beep).”
Then, Harry went, pulling Draco and Ron with him and chanted, “Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! I have magic powers, and yo-ou do-on’t! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!”
Remus buzzed the buzzer about six or seven times and said, “Very good, except for Snape and Draco. A thousand points to Harry and Ron each. We’ll be right back!”

Chapter 3: Press Conference
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A/N: This was intended to be much longer, but there was some inappropriate material that had to be cut out. Sorry.

“Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway,” Remus said. “Now, let’s move the show on with a game called Press Conference. This is for all four of you. Ron, you’re going to be standing at a podium holding a press conference that you yourself don’t know. We know by the monitors on the screen. Severus, Draco, and Harry will be news reporters asking questions, giving hints on what the conference is about. And when you’re ready, begin.”
Ron dragged a podium in front of him as Harry, Draco, and Snape got into positions that made them look like news reporters. On the screen, under Ron, it said ‘Tigger Announcing He Pounced Winnie the Pooh and Piglet to Death.’
“So, what do you have to say about all of this?” Harry asked.
“Well, I just have to say that I am deeply shocked about what happened and I apologize deeply,” Ron said, in a believable sorry voice.
“What about all the fans of these people?” Draco asked.
“Screw them,” Ron’s expression changed to casual.
“But the younger one had a family: His mother Pigwina, his father Pig, and all his brothers and sisters: Pigleopple, Pigpen, Pigness, Pigalty, and Pig-Jig-Piggity-Piggy-Poo. What about them?” Snape asked.
“Screw you,” Ron said in the same tone.
“Well, all your friends in the woods say that “you suck, asshole,”” Harry said. “How do you respond to that?”
“Here’s my response!” Ron said. Then, he bent over and threw his pants down, with the camera blurring out his butt. “There’s your response!”
“You seemed to have such an attitude since your adventures with the rabbit, the piggy, and the silly old bear,” Snape said. “What changed you?”
“A lot of alcohol and cigarette smoke,” Ron said. “I’m just a hopeless drunk, really.”
“Wow, I never knew you’d say such bad things about yourself,” Harry said. “I expected that you’d be such a positive person.”
“Well, I don’t care if I’m not,” Ron said. “It’s my life and I’ll do what I want.”
“Will you ever return to the woods and see your animal friends again?” Draco asked.
“No, because they’re lousy, sick bastards,” Ron said, casually.
“I think you’re the real bastard,” Snape said. “You’ve become an arse.”
“Oi, is that a threat, mate?” Ron said angrily, pointing at Snape. “Or I’ll pounce you to death just like I did to Pooh and Piglet!”
Remus buzzed the buzzer a lot of times and said, “Well, that was pretty short. It was basically a waste of time, in my opinion.”
“Then why do this game?” Ron asked.
“Because I was told that it was a game to play,” Remus said. “Blame the people who thought up the games to play, not me.”
“Err... Remus,” some guy who works on the show walked up to Remus and said into his ear, “You said which games to play.”
“I did?” Remus asked, making believe he didn’t know. “Oh, well.”
“You are one strange bloke, Remus,” Harry said, smiling.
“I know I am,” Remus said, smiling back. “I’ve always been. We’ll be right back after this.”
“What about points?” Harry asked.
“To quote Ron, ‘Screw you!’” Remus said. “We’ll be right back!”

Chapter 4: Superheroes and Weird Newscasters
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“Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway,” Remus said. “Now, let’s move onto a game called Superheroes. This is for all four of you. Severus is a superhero and, from the audience, I need a name of an unlikely superhero.”
There were several screams of some weird names, but Remus chose...
“Captain Skunk-Man. And, I’ll need a crisis situation for Captain Skunk-Man.”
Again, there were several screams, but Remus chose...
“The world is losing its bad smell. Okay, weird, but, whatever, okay, you’ll be joined in by Draco, Harry, and then Ron. Okay, take it away!”
“... Err... The world is losing its smell?” Snape said. He got boos from the audience but he ignored them. “Well, now I’m not going to... make people smell bad?”
“YOU SUCK, SNAPE!” some guy yelled.
“Silence,” Snape muttered.
Then, Draco entered:
“Sorry, I’m late, you know how the husband is and everything...”
“I’m glad you’re hear, Village People Fan Who Always Sings Their Songs... Guy,” Snape said, thinking of a name off the top of his head.
“Yeah, well...” then, singing like the Village People, Draco sang:
“Macho, macho, man, man!
I want to be... a macho man!
Baby, macho, macho man! Man!
I wanna’ be a macho man!”
Then, Draco started dancing around the stage, singing the Macho Man song. Then, Harry entered:
“Sorry, I’m late –“
Then, Snape, since he’s Captain Skunk-Man, made believe he was blinding Harry with his ‘stink.’ Harry made believe he was blind and staggered around, covering his eyes.
“NOOOOOOO!” he screamed. “I’m blind and I can’t see!”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Always Gets Hurt by a Skunk Guy,” Snape said.
“AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!” Harry staggered around and then (with looking where he was going through his fingers) rammed into Remus’ desk and flipped over it.
Remus was taken off guard by this and put his hands on his legs (since this is where Harry hit him) and started moaning in pain.
“What the hell, Harry?” he said holding his legs.
No one really cared what happened to Remus as they saw Ron walk up to Snape.
“Sorry, I’m late,” Ron said. “I... something.”
“YOU SUCK, RON!” that same guy yelled.
“Shut up!” Ron yelled. “And actually get a life!”
“Okay, let’s get this bloke out before any bloodshed begins,” Remus said, distinctively hiding the fact that his legs still hurt.
Then, the guards ran up to the guy, who was screaming like a little girl now, and tossed him out of the studio. Everyone cheered at this as Snape continued the skit.
“I’m glad you’re here, Guy Who... Talks for Five Seconds then Stops for Ten Seconds... Guy,” Snape said, coming up with the best name he could come up with.
“Well, you know,” Ron said quickly. “I know what the answer is to all this, it’s –“
He stopped in mid-sentence and made a face that would remind Snape of Pansy Parkinson.
“What? What is it?” Snape asked.
Meanwhile, Draco was still singing ‘Macho Man’ while Harry was staggering around, once hitting Snape.
“That’s a detention, Potter!” Snape said, out of character.
Remus buzzed the buzzer, annoyed.
“Don’t go out of character, again,” he said gravely. “Or you’ll die!”
“Really?” Snape said, meekly.
“No, I’m just kidding,” Remus said in a lighter tone. “Just don’t do it, again.”
Finally, Ron spoke:
“I don’t like when that happens, if you know what I mean. It’s just so ridiculous and –“
He stopped again, making the Pansy Parkinson resemblance face. That got Snape angry. He pushed Ron away.
“Get the hell away from me,” he said.
Now, Harry started staggering around again, and tried hitting into Snape, but Snape dodged him, causing Harry to fall on the ground and “not move” again. Now, Draco was left, now singing ‘YMCA.’
“It’s the Y-M-C-A, yeah!” he sang with complete arm motions.
“The Y-M-C-A...”
Snape made believe to be dancing with Draco, until he finally started spinning off the stage, causing Draco to follow him. Then, Remus buzzed the buzzer.
“Okay,” he said. “A billion points to Harry for no reason. Now, to keep the show going, let’s go on to a game called Weird Newscasters. This is for all four of you.
Now, Severus, you’re the news anchorman. Harry is your co-anchor who thinks he’s on fire. Draco is the sports caster who’s a leprechaun getting his Lucky Charms are being stolen and he’ll also be the announcer doing a play-by-play of the event. Okay and Ron will do the weather as The Frankenstein Monster. Okay? Severus, you begin when you hear the music.”
The news music plays as Snape and Harry put on big smiles.
“Welcome to the 7:00 news,” Snape said. “I’m your anchor: Snapey the Vampire Slayer. Let’s start with the news by going to my co-anchor: Scar-Man 101. Scar-Man?”
“Well, our top story tonight,” Harry said. “Is that...”
Then, he started sniffing something and started twitching like mad.
“Oh, my God!” he screamed. “I’m on fire! Help!”
Then, screaming like a baby girl, he started running around the place, waving his arms up and down like a madman, screaming, “Help me! Help me! Help me!”
Then, he dropped on the floor and chanted, “Stop, drop, roll! Stop, drop, roll!” Then, he rolled all over the place now, and, surprisingly, into the audience, where he was kicked by an angry fan, shouting, “YOU SUCK!”
The guy started beating Harry up until security came and dragged the guy out.
“Well, at least no one died,” Remus said after a long pause.
Then, a gunshot was heard and the security guards came back in, looking as if nothing happened.
“... Okay, I stand corrected,” Remus said. “Just... go on.”
“This just in,” Snape said. “I will be getting a new co-anchor tomorrow who will not act off his rocker for no reason. Now, let’s go to sports with our sports caster Mal-ferret? Ferret?”
“Well, what we have hear, Snapey is a leprechaun here that’s getting his Lucky Charms stolen. Let’s watch what happens.”
Then, putting on a voice that makes him sound like the leprechaun from the Lucky Charms commercials, he said:
“They’re after me Lucky Charms, the bastards! This time, they won’t get them now!”
Then, Draco did karate stances and made believe he was beating up someone. Then, as the newscaster, he said:
“Ooh, that’s got to hurt! Oh, my God! Did you see him rip her arm off? He is one tough leprechaun!”
Then, as the leprechaun, he held a gun to his head, saying, “No body move or the news bloke gets it!”
As the newscaster, he said, “No, don’t kill me! I’m just doing my job! I have a husband and two kids... and we’re expecting a third one!”
“.... Okay,” Snape said. “We’ll just leave you two because this isn’t really getting interesting, anymore. Now, let’s go to the weatherman, Weasel: James Weasel. James?”
“Urgh!” Ron grunted.
“Are we going to get sun or rain tomorrow?”
“Answer me!”
“Okay, that’s it!” Snape walked over to Ron and started shaking him, causing Ron to get angry and try to pick Snape up.
“What the hell are you doing?” Snape asked.
“URGH!” Ron, who barely picked Snape up, threw Snape across the room into the audience, knocking out a couple of guys from the impact. Then, Draco walked over to the middle of the room with a gun to the screen.
“You’ll never take me alive!” he said in the leprechaun voice, making believe to be knocking cameras out. Then, Remus buzzed the buzzer as everyone went back to their seats.
“Okay,” he said. “A billion points to Draco and Harry. We’ll be right back and find out who the winner is on Whose Line is it Anyway!”

A/N: Next update: Final chapter! Yeah, short story, but it was good while it lasted, wasn't it? Please R/R!

Chapter 5: Hoedown
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“Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway! Tonight’s winner: Harry Potter!” Remus said, showing that he and Harry switched places. “I don’t know, he must have cheated or something.”
Harry gasped and said, “I did not cheat, you lying bastard! I’m going to kick your arse!”
Remus held up his hand, saying, “Whoa, whoa, Harry, I was just making a joke out of it. You didn’t cheat.”
“You bet I didn’t,” Harry said, sitting back down in Remus’ seat.
“... That was just weird, to tell you the truth,” Remus said. “Now, to end the show, let’s play a game called Hoedown! Yea!” He tried to put on fake cheer, but Snape, Ron, and Draco looked frustrated.
“Don’t complain!” Remus said. “This is your first time on the show! Now, from the audience, I need a suggestion of something a single guy might do!”
There were many shouts from the audience, but Remus heard...
“Picking up a girl at a bar... Okay. Well, with the help of some bloke we just found off the streets who can play the piano, let’s do the Hoedown. Bloke, take it away.”
“You know, I have a name –“
“Bloke, take it away!”
The bloke sighed and started playing the piano, playing the song’s introduction as the audience clapped in rhythm as the song progressed. Then, Draco began:

“There was one time when I picked up, a girl at a big ol’ bar
Later I found that, she was a strip...par.
When I asked her to strip for me, she said ‘Oh no!
Because you just called me a weird (beep)ing ho!’”

Draco got some laughs out of this as Remus went now:

“My dad once told me, that he met my mom at a bar
But my mom told me the truth, and said my dad was a liar.
When my parents met, my mom had a rare bird
And my dad was a bird collector, he was such a nerd!”

There weren’t as many laughs out of Remus’ verse than as Draco’s, but at least they laughed as Snape went:

“I picked a girl up at a bar, she was really special to me.
After one night, we were as happy as can be!
She was once the love of my life
And she still is since that whore is now my wife!”

There were more laughs here as Ron finished up the song:

“To those who are single, I have some good advice:
Don’t pick a girl up at a bar, it isn’t really nice.
Once I did so, and it ruined all my plans
Because we both got drunk and when I awoke, I saw I married a man!”

Everyone laughed and applauded like mad people as the four cast members sang in unison, “I saw I married a man!”
Over the applause, which lasted for what seemed like forever, Remus shouted, “Thank you for watching ‘Whose Line is it Anyway!’ Thank you and see you another time! Good night!”

A/N: *sighs* Finally (sort of) the story's finished. *makes sad face* Well, it was good while it lasted, right? Please R/R!