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The Thoughts of Hermione Granger by Hermiones_Revenge

Format: Short story
Chapters: 11
Word Count: 14,193
Status: COMPLETED

Rating: 12+
Warnings: No Warnings

Genres: Humor, Romance
Characters: Harry, Ron, Hermione
Pairings:

First Published: 01/30/2005
Last Chapter: 02/08/2005
Last Updated: 05/20/2005

Summary:



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Hermione (who has recently become Ron's girlfriend) discribes the insane "war of revenge" she has gotten into with Parvati. This story is taken from her journal and is filled with hilarious entries and (supposedly) funny lists.


Chapter 1: The Thoughts of Hermione Granger
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***An excerpt from Hermione’s journal

Friday, Herbology, 1:45

REASONS WHY I AM HAPPY RIGHT NOW

1.) I am now, officially, Ron’s girlfriend

2.) I got my test back and only got one question wrong! I thought I did terribly!

3.) I am Ron’s girlfriend

4.) There’s a party in the Common Room tonight, for no particular reason

5.) I’m Ron’s girlfriend

6.) I’M RON’S GIRLFRIEND! HORRAY FOR ME!

7.) I didn’t get too much homework this weekend

Ok, I need to calm down, I don’t want to freak Ron out or anything. It is a bit annoying though; every five minutes someone different comes up to me and says, “Ohmigosh, are you and Ron going out?” and I have to reply, “yes.” Honestly, the next time someone asks me that I’m going to tell them, “Actually, we’re engaged. We’re running off next week to elope.”

I was kind of worried that after Ron and I started going out, things would start getting weird between us. However, I turned out to be wrong. Things are exactly the same between us – we still joke, laugh, talk and all that – except we’re now more…cuddly. I love it when things work out.

Wow, I have no idea what Professor Sprout’s talking about…wait…ok, she’s going over the test. (Sigh of relief) I thought I missed something important.

I really should start paying attention…

4:56

I don’t know what to wear to the random, just-for-the-heck-of-it common room party tonight! I asked Lavender (I don’t know why I chose her, she was the only person around at the time) and she just replied, “I didn’t think you would care.” Err…I need to go find Ginny, maybe she’ll help me…

5:08

OUTFIT IDEAS

1.) Jeans and red sweater

PROS: looks good, but doesn’t look like I spent forever thinking about it
CONS: I might get hot, and then would start sweating, and then might smell bad, and then would scare Ron away

2.) Dark jeans and hot pink v-neck shirt, with a tank top layered underneath (because the shirt’s a little too low cut for my taste)

PROS: I’ll look good, and won’t get too hot or too cold
CONS: The pants don’t like to stay up, so I’d have to wear a belt, but I just leant Ginny the only belt that would match with the shirt

3.) Denim skirt and Black turtleneck

PROS: It’s a cute outfit and I really like it
CONS: I’ll have to wear shorts underneath the skirt, and then I’ll have to worry about making sure they don’t show, so I might be distracted all night

4.) Pink pants and Black shirt

PROS: Those pants are SO comfortable!
CONS: The pants are kind-of light, so I’ll probably sit in something dark

I think too much. I need to stop thinking. Thinking is the enemy…

5:40

Ok, I’ve decided on number two on my list.

5:45

Or maybe number three…

5:50

No, definitely number two.

6:56

I just thought of something. This will be my first party as Ron’s official girlfriend. This, obviously, is not a bad thing (it’s like…the best thing that’s ever happened to me), but I don’t want people…commenting on us. You know, people saying things like, “I can’t believe you’re going out!” or “You two are a really random couple” or…I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. I need to finish doing my hair.

7:04

My hair is eating my head! I don’t know what to do! It’s turned into a giant frizz ball and is doing very odd things; one side is straight as a stick, but the other side is waving in odd ways. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

7:15

Ok, I think I fixed it…

11:36

Ok, the party’s over. For the most part it was good, except for one minor incident…

For most of the party, I had a lot of fun. There was a ton of food that someone stole from the kitchen, which was especially good for me because of the fact that I’m hungry all the time. I could eat whenever I was hungry, and therefore didn’t have to complain to people! Everyone benefited from this.

Also, surprisingly enough, Ron agreed to dance with me. I will admit he was pretty…err…bad, but it didn’t matter. Almost everyone else was dancing as well, so not many people noticed his lack of skill. AND might I add, my pants did not fall down.

There was one point in time when Neville got a little…crazy. He stood on top of an armchair and began to scream the words "FINLAND! FREE THE GOATS!" Then he started to do some bizarre little jig, which caused him to fall onto one of the refreshment tables. To make things even more hilarious, when he hit the table he sent a plate of cookies flying, one of which hit Harry in the head. I went into a laughing fit.

All right, now for the “minor incident” I previously mentioned. A little before the party was over, I spotted Parvati, Lavender, and a bunch of other girls gathered in a corner looking incredibly suspicious. At first I was about to walk away, until I noticed on of them turn and look DIRECTLY AT ME, nod, and turn back around. They were obviously talking about me.

Now, I’m not one to care about what other people think, but I was really curious. As inconspicuously as possibly, I walked over to them and stood right on the outside of their little huddle. I pretended to tie my shoe.

I didn’t catch the whole conversation, but I did hear these fragments:

“…wouldn’t it be funny…”

“…you two should be together…”

“…little prank…”

“…carefully brewed potion…”

This can’t be good.

THINGS I NEED TO DO

1.) Find out if Parvati is plotting against me (she’s really mad about the whole Ron thing; apparently I “embarrassed her” by going out with Ron after he turned her down)

2.) Do the little bit of homework I have

3.) Ron and I are going out on our next Hogsmeade trip – figure out where we’re going to go and what we’re going to do!

4.) There is a frightening blob of STUFF growing under my bed. Kill it before it kills me

5.) Get belt back from Ginny

6.) Stop thinking so much

Breakfast, 7:39, Monday

I’m probably just paranoid, that’s all. I mean, why would Parvati want to pull some sort of evil little prank on me? Sure, I’m going out with the guy who turned her down and consequently embarrassed her in front of all her friends, enemies, and other acquaintances, but…wow…when I put it that way, it does sound kind of bad. But…I mean…what could she possibly do?

I’m definitely overreacting.

Nothing’s going to happen.

7:56

She’s looking at me – Parvati that is. She doesn’t look happy. You know, she’ll probably do something really dumb and I won’t care.

8:00

She's definitely plotting something. I'm done for.

Chapter 2: Parvati's Revenge
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**Notes Passed in History of Magic**
10:05

Ron: What’s Professor Binns TALKING about?

Hermione: The trial of Hildegard C. Coddlesworther – you know, that Seer that everyone thought was crazy.

Ron: Right. Of course. How could I have missed that.

Hermione: You have no idea what’s going on, do you?

Ron: Oh what do you think?

Hermione: Nothing too complicated happens...everyone thinks she's crazy because she kept making prophecies about these cows invading the towns, and in the particular community she lived in, cows were considered to be more intelligent than people, so there were all these laws against saying things against them.

Ron: Professor Binns said all this? WHEN?

Hermione: Don’t worry; I’ll explain it to you after class.

Ron: You are amazing

**Reasons Why I am Ecstatic Right now**

1.) I, apparently, am amazing

2.) I have to explain this trial to Ron, meaning MORE ALONE TIME FOR US! (no offense Harry…not that he’ll be reading this…I hope...)

3.) I am only slightly hungry (normally at this time I am very hungry)

4.) Ron looks ADORABLE right now. I don't know why, but he's especially cute today...

5.) Parvati is obviously not planning anything against me. It was COMPLETELY idiotic of me to even think that she was.

6.) I REALLY STUDIED for my test next period, so no matter what she asks us, I’LL KNOW THE ANSWER!

8:45

Today was such a good day.

Tuesday, 7:14, The Hospital Wing

I have one thing to say.
AAAAAARRRAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

I was so incredibly wrong. SO INCREDIBLY WRONG! Why am I always wrong about everything? Parvati obviously did want revenge, as I am now in the hospital wing with antlers. ANTLERS! The woman hexed me in my sleep! SHE GAVE ME ANTLERS! That is just plain wrong.

Not only is it completely embarrassing to have antlers sprouting out of my head, it is also incredibly painful, as they add a ridiculous amount of extra weight to my head. Madam Pomfrey is currently running around now, trying to find a potion that’ll make these things fall off. She is not happy. Honestly, she might be just as angry as I am.

“…don’t know what’s gotten into students these days…incredibly dangerous, someone could’ve gotten seriously hurt…horrible, no consideration for each other…Dumbledore’ll be hearing about this one…”

**REASONS WHY I AM ENRAGED RIGHT NOW**

1.) The few people that are here are staring at me

2.) I have antlers sprouting out of my head.

3.) My neck is killing me

4.) My hair is getting tangled in these horrible things

5.) I’ll probably have to miss classes today, and therefore will have to get my notes from Harry or Ron. Don’t get me wrong, I love them and everything, but they take the WORST notes

6.) The entire school will know about this little incident by the end of breakfast

7.) Ron will have to see me this way. I DO NOT look very attractive right now...not that I ever look very attractive...but now things are ESPECIALLY bad

8.) People I hate, like Malfoy and Pansy, will see me this way.

9.) I had such a good day yesterday…and now this…

8:02
Madam Pomfrey just gave me a potion that’ll make my antlers fall off. She did warn me that I might start acting a little strange though…how bad could it be?

**TERRIBLE, AWFUL THINGS I COULD DO TO PARVATI**

1.) Turn her into a flobberworm

2.) Slip her a potion that would turn her hair white

3.) Bewitch a herd of llamas to follow her around all day (wow, that was random…)

4.) Hex her quill so that it sings show tunes whenever she writes

5.) Haha…..llamas…..

6.) Get a bunch of monkeys…haha monkeys are funny! …and have them chase her throughout the halls….monkeys are so funny…they just ARE, y’know?…

7.) Make her wear a REALLY UGLY OUTFIT! Haha…she’d go mad…it’d be sooooo ugly……..and she'd be WEARING IT!

8.) Put ferrets in her shoes! FERRET SHOES!

9.) Wow, I feel sooooooo much better now. I need more potion…

10.) Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

8:12

FUSCHIA IS A FUNNY COLOR! HAHAHAHAHA!

8-something! Dunno what time it is….

Wow, my head feels funny…really funny…monkeys are soooo funny….

BANANA!

8:45
Wow, this day just keeps getting worse, doesn’t it?
If you read my past couple of entries (you know, the bizarre ones that make no sense) you’ll see that I clearly was not in my right mind. While I was in this state of…insanity, who should enter the room but…VERNON DURSLEY!

Kidding (not sure if that potion has completely worn off yet). It was none other than Parvati.

McGonnagall apparently thought it would be a good idea to have Parvati apologize to me. Unfortunately when she did, I was not in my right mind. From what I have been told, this is what happened.

Parvati, in mock apology: Sorry about your antlers. It was really terrible of me.

Me: These antlers are crazy! CRAZY!

Parvati: *gives weird look* What is wrong with you?

Me: You gave me antlers! I’M TURNING YOU INTO A FLOBBERWORM!

Madam Pomfrey assured me that after my, erm, “odd” behavior she tried to explain to Parvati that I had taken a potion that messed with my mind.

This isn’t my day, is it?

She did get a week’s worth of detention though. That makes things a little better…

11:48, Lunch

Ron came to visit me. He looked really worried (it was so cute!) Thankfully I hadn't taken any of that potion, so I wasn't completely out of it. Anyway, he told me everything that happened.

“A lot of people were really mad at Parvati,” he explained to me. “They thought what she did was awful.”

“And what about the others?”

Ron paused. “Well…a LOT of people were mad…”

I smiled. “Did you take notes for me?” I asked hopefully.

He grimaced and pulled some crumpled pieces of parchment out of his pocket.

“This was the best I could do.”

It was so cute though. He ACTUALLY took notes...for me! Right before he left, something a little…interesting happened.

ALASTOR MOODY STORMED INTO THE ROOM AND BURST INTO FLAMES!

Not serious – potion still hasn’t completely worn off apparently – Ron said something odd.

“I think she’s awful,” he spat. “I’ll find a way to get back at her for this.”

Was he serious about getting her back? Is he really going to do something? Or was he just getting his anger out?

**RAMBLING HERMIONE LIST**

1.) Find out what I missed in all of my classes

2.) Make up work that I missed in all of my classes

3.) Find out if Ron is seriously thinking of seeking revenge on Parvati

4.) Give Parvati the cold shoulder and the evil eye whenever possible

5.) Oww…my antlers are falling off…

6.) Find a way to look somewhat attractive even with antlers

7.) My head hurts.

To be continued…


Chapter 3: Ron's Revenge
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Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, do not own any part of the Harry Potter world. I am but a fan fic writer. Sadly.

Breakfast, Tuesday, 7:43

Ron’s determined to seek revenge on Parvati. Actually, he’s rambling about it right now and I’m pretending to listen. I really hope he’s not serious and is just blowing off steam. I mean, no matter what he does to her, I’ll get blamed for it, because that’s just the way things work.

By the way, my head still feels tingly, even though I’m antler-free.

Ron gave me his notes on what I missed yesterday in class. Yes, he actually made an attempt to take notes…it was so cute! He paid attention in class just for me! The notes were terrible though. Oh well, I’ll catch up.

History of Magic, 9:44

*Sigh* I’m hungry. All he’s doing now is telling us exactly, pretty much word-for-word, what’s on our test. I know what’s on our test. No need to tell us again

**REASONS WHY I WISH IT WAS LUNCH**

1.) I am hungry

2.) This class is boring

3.) History of Magic is…blargh…and the classroom smells really bad

4.) I can’t pay attention in this class (though I do a pretty good job of pretending)

5.) I can’t pay attention in my next class (Transfiguration) because the information is so complicated and the kid behind me harasses me throughout the entire class

6.) I need to talk to Ron about his evil plot…I really hope he’s kidding…

9:58

Wow, it’s windy outside…a very foreboding day…strong gusts of wind, gray skies, rain, cold…can you tell where my attention span is? Why, oh why, is this class so boring? Why? Are they TRYING to bore us to death?

10:00

Soooo hungry…

Lunch, 11:39

Ron’s talking about his plan again. I think he might be serious about it. We’ve had the same conversation three times in the last five minutes.

“Ron, are you serious about seeking revenge?”

“ ‘Course I’m serious!”

“Ron, don’t! I'll get in trouble...and so will you!"

“Don’t you worry about a thing.”

Doom, doom, doom. I’m doomed. Parvati’s going to kill me! She’ll think that I was a part of whatever Ron’s planning.

11:49

Ron tried to steal this book. Evil child…

Herbology, 1:39

**TO-DO LIST**

1.) Finish homework – tons of it today!

2.) Study for History of Magic test

3.) Stop Ron from doing something…evil

4.) Fix the hole in my sweater

5.) Get Ron to translate the notes he took for me yesterday, as they do not seem to be written in English

6.) Send Mum and Dad a letter – they get worried if I don’t write often

7.) Stop writing so much. I need to stop writing in class.

Wednesday, History of Magic, 9:50

Ok, so I’ll stop writing in class some other day. I overheard Ron talking to Harry about his “revenge” this morning at breakfast, but only got bits and pieces of the conversation. I was, however, able to piece together the bits of information I have and have come to the conclusion that RON IS BEWITCHING A FLOCK OF FLAMINGOES TO FOLLOW DENNIS CREEVY AROUND!

Random moment, sorry. He’s bewitching a flock of flamingoes to follow PARVATI around! Sorry…kidding again.

I definitely heard something about a hex…I think he’s just planning on hexing her sometime in the common room. Don’t know what kind of hex though; this gets me worried. If it’s a harmless, annoying hex, it probably won’t be that bad. Well…no matter what he does it’ll be bad, but hopefully it’ll be something small.

Here are the things I definitely heard either Harry or Ron say.

“…hex her while she’s not looking…”

“…make sure people are around to watch…”

“…terrible thing she did to Hermione, we’ve gotta do something…”

“…better than antlers…”

“…brilliant idea!”

“…will be talking about this one for weeks…”

This does not sound good. I have tried a million times to talk him out of this, but Ron is stubborn and refuses to listen to me.

6:37

Oh my… Ron wasn’t kidding. He just sought revenge on Parvati, and now the entire house is in a state of chaos.

And we’re going to get expelled.

I was partially right – Ron did decide to hex Parvati. However, he didn’t do it in the common room but instead, out in the hallways where everyone could see. Duh Ron…what if a teacher had walked by? I mean, he shouldn’t be hexing people anyway, but if he absolutely needed to he could’ve AT LEAST done it where there was less of a chance of getting caught. She was walking around with Lavender when he called to her.

“Oy! Parvati!”

She looked like she was going to snap back, until she realized it was her beloved Ron that was speaking. “Yes?”

“That was a horrible thing you did to Hermione.” (I tried to get his attention to tell him to stop, but he ignored me. Rude.)

“She deserved it.”

“Well then, you deserve THIS!”

He shot a pig-snout hex at her, giving her a squashy pig nose. To say the least, she was not happy.

“I can’t believe you!” She shot an eyebrow-growing charm back at him, but he dodged it.

“QUIT IT, BOTH OF YOU!” I exclaimed, but as usual, no on paid any attention to me.

Ron sent one last hex her way – a curse that would’ve given her rabbit ears – but his aim was a little off. Instead of hitting Parvati it hit…MRS. NORRIS!

Not kidding this time. It really did. First she’s a duck, now she has rabbit ears. (A/N: this is a reference to my first story, for those of you who don’t know)

Filch was livid. He ended up giving Ron, Parvati, and me detention for a week. This, if you haven’t noticed, makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER, as I was not involved in it in any way. But for reasons beyond my comprehension, I was punished too.

7:14

Ugh, just heard Parvati talking to Lavender. Apparently she’s going to “get me back” again. This is just getting annoying now. Too much revenge going around…what ever happened to peace? The world has gone insane.

7:20

I was wrong. I heard them talking again (you know, sometimes I think they may stage these conversations so that I hear them). They weren’t discussing “getting me back” but instead, talked about “getting him back.” Instead of going for me, it looks like they’re going to go after Ron.

I swear if either of them do anything to Ron, it is not going to be pretty. They can turn me into a moose, but the minute they do anything to him, it’s war.

**REASONS WHY I AM IRKED RIGHT NOW**

1.) Parvati might do something to hurt Ron. That does not fly well with me.

2.) I received a detention for absolutely no reason.

3.) Ron has, once again, done something to disfigure Mrs. Norris. It’s not that I like Mrs. Norris, it’s just that this is becoming somewhat of a nasty habit…

4.) My homework makes no sense

5.) I’m hungry again

6.) My head is still tingly

To be continued…


Chapter 4: Parvati's Revenge...again
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Thursday, breakfast

**REASONS WHY PARVATI IS EVIL**

1.) She’s plotting against my Ron

2.) She constantly criticizes my hair, which isn’t THAT BAD. All right, a couple years ago it was kind-of…alarming, but now it’s calmed down.

3.) She took the last piece of toast. I wanted that toast.

4.) She is PLOTTING against MY RON

5.) She keeps pulling Lavender aside and talking about me. I know they are talking about me, as they keep looking my way and pointing. Seriously though, if you’re going to talk about me, at least TRY to be inconspicuous

6.) There is a smudge on my Transfiguration homework. All right, this is not Parvati’s fault, but it is not making my mood any better.

7.) I have detention because of her. Filch had NO REASON to give me detention. This is so unfair.

8.) She is…EVIL! True, this makes absolutely no sense, “Parvati is evil because she is evil,” but I am not a happy person right there and therefore have an excuse.

9.) Her hair is so…ugh! It is so freakishly straight today…Ok, now I’m just looking for reasons to not like her. I should probably stop now.

10.) There is a suspicious cluster of chickens wandering around the hall, and though no one has been able to provide a reason for their existence, I BLAME PARVATI!

History of Magic, 9:39

It’s funny, I’m always writing in this class…

Anyway, Parvati has made it incredibly clear that she is going to do something to Ron. How, you may ask, do I know this? Well, it became somewhat obvious to me after she said this:

“I’m going to do SOMETHING to Ron,” she hissed in my ear right before I took my seat.

I would’ve said something back, but Professor Binns began to speak. I mean, it’s bad enough that I write in my journal throughout his entire class; I would feel bad causing an incident. Not that he would’ve noticed…

But what, I have to wonder, is the evil one planning on doing? The girl gave me antlers – what else could she possibly do? Giving me antlers was pretty low – though creative, I must admit – so I’m worried about what else she’ll do. Maybe Ron and I could just avoid her…

Won’t work. We have detention with her tonight.

I can’t imagine she’d try anything at detention. Thought…it depends on what teacher we’re serving detention with, and what we have to do. Please, oh please, let it be something quiet and normal…writing lines? Cleaning a classroom? Detention is not something you should be creative with.

Ugh…those eggs I ate this morning are not agreeing with me…

10:00

**WAYS TO BORE A PERSON TO DEATH**

1.) Make them sit through this class.

2.) Wow, that was a short list.

Wait…essay? He definitely just assigned us an essay…ugh, no! I always tend to go a little overboard when it comes to essays. Hopefully that’ll be the only homework I get for the day.

After class, 3:14

**HERMIONE’S IMPOSSIBLE HOMEWORK LOAD**

1.) History of Magic essay – 12 inches

2.) Potions discussion questions…50 of them…each requiring a 100 word answer. Or, as the wonderful Snape has put it, “100 words. Do you understand? 99 is not enough. 101 is too many. I want exactly 100.” Thank you, professor, for that little math lesson. I am very glad to know that he can count.

3.) Arithmancy equations…all 109.

4.) Potions essay which I have put off until tonight because I thought I would have time to do it, as I was not anticipating getting thwarted with homework. I did not know homework could thwart…wow, I’m really out of it…

5.) Drawings for Hagrid

They’re trying to kill us! When am I going to get the time to do all this? I HAVE DETENTION AT 7! The detention, might I remind you, that I was UNJUSTLY given. You know, I probably should stop spending time writing in this journal and instead, start working on my homework…

3:30

I am really working, honestly I am. This is just a break…

3:50

Another break…I need to get to work.

9:32

Almost done my homework, but I have to write about what happened at detention.

Nothing.

Professor Flitwick made Ron, Parvati, and I cleaned his classroom (which didn’t take very long, as we could use magic. The only reason it took as long as it did was because he wanted us to clean EVERYTHING.) Parvati did not say or do anything to either Ron or me. Flitwick even left us alone for a little while and she acted civilized. Maybe she’s reconsidered.

Why do I have a feeling that’s not the case?

**

Friday morning; I have no idea what time.

She dies.

That’s it! She dies!

First of all she destroyed my History of Magic essay, which was finished and VERY well done, if I do say so myself. I re-wrote half of it, and should be finishing it now, but if I don’t write down everything now I’m afraid I might explode.

I got to breakfast before Ron this morning, which is unusual. Ron typically wakes up before me and takes much less time to get ready, so he usually arrives in the great hall before I do. I wasn’t immediately suspicious though; he could’ve just woken up late or something. After fifteen minutes passed however, I figured something might be wrong.

Parvati looked happy, so I decided to go to the hospital wing. I mean, that’s where I ended up the day after Parvati decided to do something to me.

Ron was there. His feet had been reversed.

For those of you who have no idea what this means (who am I WRITING to anyway?), it means that she hexed him so his left foot was on his right leg and his right foot was on his left leg. Not only does this make you look ridiculous, it also makes your knees hurt because you can’t walk right.

That is A COMPLETELY EVIL AND MALICIOUS THING TO DO TO A PERSON!

I hardly ever get mad. Sure, I get incredibly annoyed, or perhaps very, VERY upset, but it takes something big to get me as infuriated as I am right now. I don’t like to retaliate…but this time, I just might to seek revenge of my own. I am livid. LIVID!

I need to think of something horrible to do to her…or just something annoying. Something that no one will be able to trace back to me so I won’t get in trouble…

Evil thoughts…

**MORE REASONS WHY PARVATI IS EVIL**

1.) She has reversed Ron’s feet

2.) She is horrible to me

3.) She thinks she is just the greatest thing that ever…HAPPENED!

4.) She adores Professor Trelawny, who is an idiot

5.) She is an idiot

6.) She always has a comment to make about my hair, outfit, makeup, or whatever, and half the time I ACTUALLY look pretty good.

7.) She formerly liked my boyfriend and now is doing everything possible to make his life (and mine) miserable.

8.) I HAVE A HEADACHE! Yes, I am blaming this on her.

To be continued…


Chapter 5: Hermione's Revenge
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**Friday evening, sometime between seven and eight

**YET ANOTHER LIST OF REASONS WHY PARVATI IS EVIL**

1.) She does horrible, terrible, awful, horrendous, heinous, (insert other synonyms for the word ‘mean’ here) things to Ron and me and does not feel badly about them.

2.) She is wearing WAY too much eyeliner. Seriously though, it looks like she used a quill and ink on her face. Yeesh.

3.) She’s prettier than me, and people like her more than they like me, and her hair is better than mine, and clothes look better on her than they do on me, and she smells better than I do (well…I don’t actually know that, but I needed one more thing to add on this list)

4.) She keeps giving me the evil eye. One time she was behind me – I didn’t even see her – but I could feel her evil glare burning a hole in the back of my head. THAT’S how good she is at giving me the evil eye.

5.) She is so evil that it is making me mad enough to spend time writing this stupid little list instead of doing something productive. Honestly I should be finishing up all the homework McGonnagall slammed us with, but instead I’m complaining about Parvati. Thankfully I have this journal, otherwise Harry and Ron would have to put up with me all the time.

6.) SHE caused global warming. Of this I have no proof. It is only a theory. Still…

7.) She is ALWAYS talking about Divination, like it is the best thing in the world. “Oh Hermione, it’s SUCH a shame you left Divination. I mean, now I can see things that you just, like, would never be able to know! I’d be careful tomorrow if I were you by the way…”

8.) She spilled water on me at dinner. Well…she tripped Neville, who tripped Dean, who tripped Neville again and made him fall across the table, spilling the water on me.

9.) I have another headache, which is a result of my anger.

I think I’m going to bewitch a flock of flamingoes to follow her around…I mean, it’s not something physically harmful or permanently damaging, but it’s still annoying. But…err…it’s really noticeable. I mean, some teacher is bound to approach her and ask, “Miss Patail! WHY are there pink flamingoes following you around?” and she’ll answer, “Oh, Hermione Granger decided to bewitch them to follow me.”

Hmm…

Maybe I could bewitch a flock of MINI FLAMINGOES to follow her around! I should probably test it out first though…

How did I THINK of that?

I need to do my homework.

**Saturday Morning, 10:01

I can’t believe myself. I did it. I conjured up a flock of flamingoes. I shrunk them. I bewitched them to follow Dennis Creevy - Yes, Dennis Creevy. You see, I wanted to see if it would work first, instead of trying it out on Parvati right away. And oh, it worked.

So later, at lunch, I’ll do the same thing to Parvati. I’d laugh evilly, but I’m afraid the people sitting around me would stare.

10:30

Ok, I had to remove the mini flamingoes from Dennis. He started acting completely mad to try and scare them away (which didn’t work.) Watching him pretend to be insane was pretty amusing though. At one point, he randomly jumped up onto a table and started to sing this odd little song:

**Here's a llama! There's a llama! And another little llama! Fuzzy llama! Funny llama! Llama llama DUCK!** (thank you krazycase!)

Hopefully Parvati will try something similar…

**TO DO LIST**

1.) Start massive amount of homework before it eats me

2.) Conjure up another flock of flamingoes

3.) Shrink flamingoes

4.) Bewitch flamingoes to follow Parvati

5.) Talk to Ron about what we’re going to do about Harry during our next Hogsmeade trip. I know, it’s a bit mean that we’re trying to get rid of him, but…we want to be…y’know, alone.

6.) Make sure I look at least somewhat acceptable, because many people will be paying a lot of attention to me after they discover I am behind the mini flamingo incident I intend to cause

7.) Eat. I’m hungry.

8.) Find a way to stop Crookshanks from eating holes in my socks. It’s getting REALLY annoying.

9.) Become more mean. Parvati deserves more than flamingoes, but I can’t bring myself to do anything evil to her. I need evil lessons or something.

12:05

She’s going insane. I love it!

I didn’t think I’d actually work up the nerve to do it, but after talking with Ron for a bit, I decided to go through with it. As she was walking with Lavender to lunch, I bewitched the mini flamingoes to follow her (I’m so creative sometimes, I love it!) At first she didn’t notice anything, but after a minute or so she realized that a bunch of funny looking little things were following her around (I highly doubt she knew they were flamingoes).
She tried to ignore them

She couldn’t. As she entered the Great Hall she began to walk faster, thinking she could outrun them. She couldn’t. She walked even faster. They followed her faster. For some reason, she decided to break out into a full run, which turned out to be an awful idea because my little flamingoes flew after her. It was HILARIOUS. Everyone in the room was dying with laughter, I mean, how often do you see someone racing throughout the Great Hall as a bunch of weird looking little birds chase them around.

I am SO CREATIVE sometimes!

And Ron thought I was brilliant! Lalala!

12:30

**REASONS WHY I AM BRILLIANT**

1.) My mini flamingo plan was so creative

2.) Ron thinks I’m brilliant

3.) …wow, I can’t think of anything else to put on this list. This was QUITE a waste of paper. I apologize that you had to read this (not that I intend on letting anyone read this…) I need to do homework.

12:35

Uh oh.

Got a note telling me to report to McGonnagall’s office later. So did Parvati and Ron. This, obviously, is not good. It can’t be some crazy coincidence. I am in so much trouble.

They can’t blame the flamingoes on me, THEY HAVE NO PROOF!

But…I did do it.

Oh great.

Ok, calming down, what’s the worst that could happen? She gives us detention and possibly, takes some points away from Gryffindor. She couldn’t expel us or anything, not for something as little and stupid as this. Detention and points deducted…that’s not so bad once you stop and think of it…

Why do I have the feeling it’s going to be something more?


Chapter 6: An Inopportune Time to Act Out of Character
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**Saturday, post-McGonagall meeting

Well, I didn’t see this coming.

Professor McGonagall was in a very weird mood when we met with her. You know…sometimes people have those moods where they don’t act like themselves for some odd reason. Well, she was having one. Unfortunately.

I was expecting detention and some points to be docked, but no. Dear Professor McGonagall decided to be creative. She is never creative. This is very uncharacteristic of her. Our conversation went as follows.

McGonagall: Recently I noticed that the three of you have been having some conflicts.

Me: (not out loud) No kidding.

McGonagall: Well, it is obvious to me that I cannot let the three of you go on like this. It is high time that you all learn to respect each other and who knows, you might even become friends.

Ron: *looks amazingly adorable* I agree completely! Now professor, I suggest that you let Hermione and I learn to respect each each other and possibly become friends in a nice little hotel room in Hogsmeade!

McGonagall: Of course! I’ll go make reservations!

Kidding.

McGonagall: No.

Ron: (turns to me) It was worth a shot.

McGonagall: Now, as inapropriate as Mr. Weasley’s comment was, he did bring up a good idea.

Parvati: When?

McGonagall: Hermione and Parvati, I am going to lock you in a room for an hour so you can discuss whatever you want to discuss.

Me: WHAT?

Parvati: NO!

McGonagall: Yes! Then later, I will put Ron and Parvati in a room together for one hour.

Me: NO!

Parvati: Well, if it’s absolutely necessary…(grins with delight)

Ron: So does that mean you’re going to lock Hermione and me in a room for an hour? I think we need to learn to, erm, respect each other too!

McGonagall: No.

Ron: That’s unfair!

McGonagall: Life’s not fair. At some point in the future, I will inform you of the times at which you will be stuck together.

This is cruel and unusual. FIRST I am going to be locked in a room with Parvati. This will not be fun. AND THEN Parvati will be locked in a room with MY BOYFRIEND. This will definitely not be fun…for me at least.

Why, oh why, couldn’t McGonagall just give us detention?

She’s never creative, why’d she have to start now? Why couldn’t she pick another time to act out of character?

I need a sandwich.

**Five minutes later

I have my sandwich now. I’m happier.

**THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN IF PARVATI AND I ARE LEFT ALONE IN A ROOM FOR AN HOUR**

1.) We just sit there and glare evilly at each other.

2.) She kills me

3.) I kill her

4.) We both kill each other

5.) I turn her into something weird…like…a parrot or something. No, not a parrot, she’d peck my eyes out…maybe a flobberworm. Yeah, that’d work, flobberworms can’t do anything

6.) I’d go insane

7.) She’d go insane

8.) We’d both go equally insane

9.) I’d just start randomly screaming and moaning

10.) She’d just start randomly screaming and moaaning

11.) We’d both just start randomly screaming and moaning

12.) We’d discuss our differences and become the best of friends (ha, yeah right)

13.) We’d settle things with a DANCE OFF

This is not fun. NOT FUN. Why, oh why, do these crazy things always happen to me? Ugh, I need to go read something…maybe do some homework…

**Later

McGonagall sent Ron and me letters. Tommorrow, from one o’ clock to two, I’ll be locked in McGonagall’s office with Parvati. I really hope McGonagall removes all valuable or breakable items from the room, because I think things are going to get ugly.

Ron and Parvati are locked in from two to three. Honestly, don’t know what that woman was thinking when she decided to leave them alone for an hour. I think she’s trying to make me go insane.

**And still later

I hate this. It’s driving me crazy. I just want to get this over with.

**And STILL later

Why do these things always happen to me?

**Sunday, lunch

Well, the time has almost come. I’ve decided to completely ignore Parvati and find some way to amuse myself. If I’m lucky, Parvati will follow suit, and we’ll end up spending the hour sitting there quietly.

Ron’s decided to do the same thing.

“I’m just going to sit there and ignore her,” he told me earlier. “If she tries anything, I’ll just tell her she’s ugly or something.” Honestly, he can be so blunt sometimes, but I love him anyway.

Though…now that I think of it…I still think a dance off it the way to go.

I’m not serious.

But I am.

**2:11

Well, I did it. Here’s what happened.

Ten minutes had passed and both Parvati and I had observed our tacit agreement not to speak to each other. Then, without any warning, FILCH BURST INTO THE ROOM WEARING A FLUFFY PINK NIGHTGOWN!

I’m kidding of course.

HE WAS WEARING A FLUFFY PURPLE NIGHTGOWN!

Kidding, again.

Parvati and I sat on opposite sides of the room in complete silence for the entire one hour period. Actually…that’s not true. About thirteen minutes into it she asked me, “Is there a clock in this place?” and I showed her the clock of McGonagall’s desk, but that was about it.

And now she’s alone in a room with Ron. Ugh.

I need to read something

**Five minutes later

I can’t read.

I wonder what she’s doing in there…I wonder if he’s bored. Oh, poor thing, he’s probably bored out of his mind…I can’t take this, this is cruel and unusual.

I know, I’ll do my potions essays.

**Five more minutes later

I hate potions.

**Two minutes later

Forget potions, I’m doing something else.

**Three minutes later

Oh forget it. I’m just going to sit here and complain.

**WHAT PARVATI AND RON COULD POSSIBLY BE DOING NOW**

1.) Sitting in silence on opposite ends of the room

2.) Having a feeble, pathetic conversation

3.) Parvati is talking, but Ron is ignoring her

4.) Ron has gone insane

5.) Ron has gone insane and Parvati has taken advantage of the situation (badthoughtsbadthoughtsbadthoughts)

6.) Parvati is trying to flirt with Ron, but Ron is ignoring her

7.) Rarvati is trying to flirt with Ron, and Ron is listening (morebadthoughts)

8.) I need to stop writing this list, it’s making me go even crazier than I already am.

**3:11

Well.

Parvati entered the Gryffindor common room smiling. Widely. She passed by me and gave me this weird little look.

And Ron is nowhere to be found.

I know, I’m probably just overreacting. She’s probably just trying to get me to think she did something… But she looks happy. And I can’t find Ron. No…nothing probably happened…they probably just sat there staring at the wall…

But Parvati is whispering to Lavender and now Lavender is smiling.

This can’t be good.


Chapter 7: Stuck to a Shelf in a Pink Dress
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**Sunday, the common room, who cares what time it is

**THINGS THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE CAUSING PARVATI TO SMILE**

1.) She kissed Ron (I am cringing at this thought…CRINGING!)

2.) She could’ve just eaten a really good sandwich

3.) She’s trying to trick me

4.) She really did do or say something to Ron and now he is going to leave me for her and I will end up becoming the stereotypical creepy old lady who lives alone in a weird house with twelve cats and no friends.

5.) She just came up with something evil to do to me, or Ron, or both of us

6.) She just…won twenty galleons. Who knows? Maybe that’s it.

7.) She reached into her pocket and found a sickle or something that she forgot she had put there

8.) She is just smiling because she is evil, and evil makes her happy.

9.) She is about to do something evil

10.) She just did something evil

11.) She is in the process of doing something evil

12.) Something evil had happened, and she was taking pleasure in it

13.) She just had a random, unexplainable urge to smile that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she just spent an hour locked in a room alone with Ron.

I’m going insane, but I refuse to let anyone know it. I’m just going to blurt out all of my insane thoughts in this journal, so I don’t end up blurting them to any poor soul.

She’s probably just trying to make me go crazy, and she’s doing a wonderful job, but I won’t let her know it. She probably just intentionally flashed that weird smile at me, to make me think that something happened that I wouldn’t want to happen. But…where’s Ron? Why didn’t he come back to the common room? If nothing happened, why didn’t Ron return?

I’m getting a headache.

***Five minutes later

I gave in. I had to talk to Parvati.

“How did your hour with Ron go?” I inquired.

“Fine,” she replied. “Wonderfully.”

“Oh?”

“We sat on opposite ends of the room, avoiding making eye contact,” she went on.

“But why then,” I asked, “are you smiling?”

She laughed coldly. “Obviously you haven’t been to the library lately.”

What is this supposed to mean? What’s in the library…besides books and Madam Pince? Maybe I should head over there…or maybe this is a trap!

Oh whatever. I’m going.

***Later (as you can see, I’ve given up on writing times for these entries)

Well, I found Ron at the library.

He was teaching Filch how to play shuffleboard!

Kidding.

Filch was teaching HIM how to play shuffleboard!

Kidding again.

He was magically glued to a shelf in the library, wearing a rather ugly pink dress!

Not kidding. Completely serious. Peeves had gotten angry with him. I’ll explain.

After coming out of McGonnagall’s office, Ron ran into Peeves and they got into an argument. Ron then started making fun of him, in front of a rather large crowd of people. Peeves, obviously, did not like this. He then chased Ron throughout the school and into the library.

Anyway Peeves did not like being publicly humiliated, so decided to take revenge (at first I thought maybe Parvati had asked him to do this, but then realized that Peeves would’ve never taken orders from her.) Being the creative poltergeist that he is, he tried something a bit unconventional and magically glued Ron to a shelf. Then, because he did not think shelf-gluing was enough, he magically zapped a pink dress onto Ron. Let me say, Peeves has no taste in clothing. That dress does NOTHING for his figure.

The minute I entered the library, I knew something had happened. It was pretty obvious, as there was an awfully large crowd gathered around the same shelf. Something, obviously had happened…either that, or a startling amount of people were all trying to check out the same book.

The minute I caught sight of Ron I laughed. And then I helped him out. (He wasn’t too thrilled by the laughing.)

So, Parvati was smiling because of number twelve on my list.

Poor Ron.

**Monday, History of Magic

Professor Binns is mumbling. I can’t understand a word he’s saying, so I’m not even bothering to attempt to take notes and instead am focusing on my next problem. Harry.

You see, we have a Hogsmeade trip this weekend and Ron and I really want to spend it together. Alone. Unfortunately, Harry does not understand this concept and will probably follow us around the whole time. I feel bad that we’re kind of ditching him…but if Ron and I don’t get to spend some time together without Harry breathing down our necks then I think I’ll loose it.

**POSSIBLE WAYS TO GET RID OF HARRY**

1.) Find someone else to keep him busy

2.) Make some excuse to get away

3.) Remind him that Ron and I need some…alone time. True, we’ve told him this two…three…seventy times, but he seems to forget.

4.) Have those mini flamingoes chase him away

5.) Convince him that he really doesn’t want to go to Hogsmeade

6.) Tell him that there’s a life threatening disease spreading through Hogsmeade and he shouldn’t go, but Ron and I have to because we volunteered to…I don’t know…do something…

7.) Tell him that we’re not going, but then go anyway…but that would be lying though…oh I hate having a conscience

8.) Convince him that…uh…I don’t know!

**RON’S LIST OF POSSIBLE WAYS TO GET RID OF HARRY**
Written in my journal with permission (of course, I wouldn’t let him read anything else)

1.) Tell him to go away

2.) Tell him that if he doesn’t go away, we’ll start snogging intensely to freak him out (I like this one)

3.) Get those mini flamingoes again

4.) Get Peeves to magically glue him to a shelf in a pink dress

5.) Glue him to a shelf in a pink dress ourselves

6.) Run like hell

Hopefully one of these will work…if not I’ll go crazy.

**Lunch

The strangest thing just happened.

Harry, Ron, and I were talking at lunch and all of a sudden, Harry says, “Oh, I need to talk to you two about this weekend’s Hogsmeade trip.”

I didn’t know where this was going.

“I hope you don’t mind,” he began, “but would it be all right if I spent the day with someone else?”

I thought I was having some sort of weird dream sequence. This was exactly what I needed “Yeah,” I replied, finally, “that’d be fine.”

“Good,” he went on. “I was hoping you wouldn’t mind. Who knows? You might even get some alone time!”

This all seemed too good to be true. But what could be bad about it?

“Too bad,” Ron whispered to me. “I was looking forward to freaking him out with a snog session.”


Chapter 8: Trouble in the Dragon's Lair
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**Thursday, History of Magic

I am soooooo bored. So bored! I've been trying in vain for years to pay attention in this class, but today I have finally come to the conclusion that it's useless. Taking notes is pointless, as I can just study from my textbook. I'm wasting my life.

Now for some more important matters! Harry has been acting rather odd lately, and I think it has something to do with his mystery date on Saturday. He hasn't told anyone any specifics, so I suspect something is up. Here are my thoughts:

**POSSIBLE REASONS WHY HARRY IS ACTING ODDLY**

1.) He really does not have a date for Saturday and only said this so Ron and I wouldn't feel bad leaving him. No...this would require Harry to think too much...

2.) He is going with...Ginny! Maybe he's going with Ginny...and he doesn't want Ron to know because he knows Ron would go crazy

3.) He isn't really going to Hogsmeade but instead is staying behind and doing something that he knows I wouldn't approve of

4.) He isn't really acting oddly, I am just imagining it

5.) He ate...

Ugh, sorry, Ron's bored too. He's looking over my shoulder now and wants to add to my list.

**MY CONTINUATION OF HERMIONE'S LIST**

6.) He's got a date with Malfoy

7.) He's got a date with Dean

8.) He's got a date with...I dunno, some other guy that he wouldn't want to be seen with

9.) HE'S GOT A DATE WITH SNAPE! Ugh...that's too weird even for me...

10.) He's got a date with Dobby

11.) He's going to the Three Broomsticks to teach Hagrid how to knit

12.) He's not really going to Hogsmeade but instead is staying behind to do something crazy....like...study

13.) HE'S GOT A DATE WITH NEVILLE!

Ok, Hermione again. Why do I have the feeling that Ron's becoming addicted to writing in my journal? Why doesn't he just start his own? (A/N: Ahhhh story idea!)

Anyway, I'm determined to find out why Harry's acting so funny.

**Lunch

Well, I asked him.

"Harry," I began, "you've been acting funny lately. Is something wrong?"

"Nope, everything's fine," he replied.

I was not, and still am not, convinced. I pressed on.

"By the way," I went on. "You never told us who you were spending Saturday with."

"It's..." he stuttered. "It's no one, really."

Ron then leaned into me, grinning. "Maybe he really DOES have a date with Neville."

**Friday, Transfiguration

Harry still refuses to tell me who he's got a date with. However, I have managed to gather some clues as to who it may be.

1.) She is someone that Harry either does not want to be seen with, or someone that he knows that I don't like.

2.) Harry does not feel completely comfortable around her.

3.) He is worried about her friends following them around, meaning that she's probably the type of girl who travels in a large pack

4.) It's not Ginny (she's got a date with someone else - I swore to her that I wouldn't tell Ron)

5.) It's someone in our year who I have classes with

6.) She's either in Gryffindor or Ravenclaw (but definitely not Hufflepuff or Slytherin)

This, unfortunately, does not narrow it down very much.

**Saturday morning

AAGH! I've been so worried about who Harry's going with that I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT MY OWN DATE! I don't know what to wear...or what we're going to do...or what to do if things go wrong...

Wonderful.

**Later

All right, Ron and I've agreed to just "wander around" for a while, and eventually get something to eat. I really, REALLY hope that in our "wandering" we don't have those...yeesh...awkward pauses. And I still don't know what to wear.

**Still Later

WHAT SHOULD I WEAR??

**And still Later

THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS!

**Saturday evening, post Hogsmeade

Well, first of all I think I should mention that I did eventually pick out an outfit, but that's not exactly important right now.

I'll start from the beginning.

Ron and I were "wandering"...meaning we were walking around aimlessly, holding hands and having a deep conversation (he is SO CUTE)...when I remember that we have to eat. I asked him where he wanted to go.

"Uh...I don't care," he replied. "Wherever's closest I guess."

Conveniently enough, we happened to be standing in front of a rather interesting resturaunt, "The Dragon's Lair", so we decided to eat there. It was really nice, and the food was pretty good...but that's not exactly important right now. The waiter led us to a little booth in the corner, away from everyone else.

In our little booth, Ron and I were...erm...a bit busy when a waiter interrupted us. It took him a while to get our attention.

"Ummm sorry to bother you," he said, "but another couple has asked to be seated with you."

"Can't you seat them somewhere else?" Ron asked without taking his absolutely gorgeous eyes off me (I'll stop.)

"They specifically asked to be seated with you," the waiter replied. "And everywhere else is full."

"Who is it?" I inquired.

"They didn't give me their names."

I figured it was Harry and his date. He was probably uncomfortable and wanted to double so he could feel more relaxed. I didn't want to leave him alone but...

"It's probably Harry," I said to Ron. "He's probably uncomfortable with his date."

Ron gave me a "but-if-Harry-comes-here-we'll-have-to-stop-kissing" look. "He needs to learn to be self-reliant!"

We let him come over anyway...and immediately regretted our decision.

"Hi guys," Harry said. "Hope you don't mind, but the resturaunt's full and Parvati here didn't want to wait."

Harry and Parvati sat down across from us. I couldn't believe it.

"Hope we didn't interrupt anything," Parvati said, glaring at me menacingly.

She must've seen us come in and followed us! Ugh...she knew that she'd be messing up our date by sitting with us...why won't she just give up?

Anyway, we continued with an awkward, forced converstaion about virtually nothing. At one point we actually started talking about flobberworms and let me be the first to say that when you're forced to resort to flobberworms as a conversation topic, you know things are going south. I needed to do something.

"Sorry," I said. "Would you mind if I talked to Ron alone for a minute?"

Without waiting for a response, I jumped out of the booth and pulled Ron with me. We walked away and started to think up excuses to leave. Our original plan involved me pretending to be sick, until I thought of a better idea.

"I'll say something like, 'we should probably get going, we know you two must want some alone time'," I suggested to Ron. "Or, 'we don't want to get in the way of your date'."

So, with our plan in mind, Ron and I returned to Harry and the evil one. However, before I had a chance to say anything, Harry began to speak.

"Look guys," he began, "while you were away, Parvati and I were talking. This is kind-of...awkward. No offense, but it's kind-of hard to feel comfortable on a date with you two around. You're kind-of...ruining it. Would you mind leaving?"

WE were ruining HIS date?

Well, obviously we left. We spent the remainder of the afternoon cuddling in Madam Puddifoot's. Take THAT Parvati.

But since when does Harry take orders from her?

This can't be good.


Chapter 9: Harry Has Gone Insane
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**Sunday, Breakfast

Ugh. Harry is acting...I don't even know of a word to describe how Harry is acting, though "stupid" comes pretty close. It's like Parvati's hypnotized him or something. Whatever she says, he believes, which means he hasn't been too friendly with me.

A conversation three minutes ago:

"Harry, can you pass the water?"

"Pass it to yourself!"

I was going to snap at him, but I didn't. I'm assuming that his darling Parvati has told him a million horrible things about me and he believed her. Who knows what she's said...quite frankly, I don't care. Harry can be a little slow at times, but he's no idiot. Eventually he'll realize Parvait's a lying, conniving, evil little demon child. Hopefully.

On the bright side, this has given Ron and me plenty of opportunities to get some "alone time."

***3:00

All right something's definitely wrong. A little while ago Ron and I went down to visit Hagrid and quite honestly, he didn't seem to happy to see us. All right, that's not completely true, he didn't seem too happy to see me. He kept looking at me like I was completely disgusting.

Our conversation went as follows:

Ron: 'Ello Hagrid! What're you up to today?

Hagrid: *gives me a suspicious glare* Not much. Preparin' for t'morrow's lesson.

Me: *pretending to ignore suspicious glare* Oh, what will we be doing tomorrow?

Hagrid: *still suspiciously glaring* Reviewin' fer the test comin' up.

Me: *still pretending to ignore suspicious glare* Oh...that sounds good.

Ron: *very much aware of said suspicious glare* Hagrid, is something wrong? You seem angry or upset or something?

Hagrid: Nah.

*twenty-seven goose/cat hybrids begin squawking outside. I rush to the window*

Me: What ARE they?

Hagrid: Doesn' matter. 'Ermione, can you go out there and chase 'em away? They're givin' me a headache.

Me: Um...sure.

At this point in time I went outside and found myself surrounded by the strangest looking creatures I'd seen in a while. They were half goose, half cat, and were making the most IRRITATING noises. The worst part was that they wouldn't scare easliy, so it took me a while to chase them all away. Now that I think of it...I must've looked pretty ridiculous. Eh, oh well. I've done weirder things. Anyway, after I was done, I went back inside Hagrid's hut.

Hagrid: *resuming suspicious glare* Didya chase 'em all away?

Me: *resuming ingorance of suspicious glare* Yes.

Hagrid: All right then.

*An awkward pause followed. I looked to Ron*

Ron: *uncertainly* C'mon Hermione, let's go.

Me: Sure.

Ever since then, Ron's been acting funny around me. I'm not quite sure exactly what's wrong with him, but it seems like he thinks I've done something...horrible. Now that I think of it, I think Hagrid might've said something to him about me. But WHAT would Hagrid have to say about me that's bad? Hagrid's my friend...and besides, I haven't done anything wrong recently.

Intriguing...

***Dinner

Something is definitely wrong. Harry and Ron have just left the table to "talk privately." And Parvati is grinning triumphantly. These are not good signs. I think it's time for a completely irrelevant list, to clear my mind of these ominous occurances. Haa...ominous occurances...that's a nice little bit of alliteration right there...all right, I'm writing the list.

**THINGS THAT ANNOY ME**

1.) The really, really, painfully ugly curtains in some of the classrooms.

2.) Loosing my train of thought

3.) Being hungry when I can't get something to eat, during class for example

4.) Being tired but not being able to fall asleep

5.) When I have a song stuck in my head

6.) When I have a song I don't like stuck in my head

7.) When I copy down my homework wrong and consequently do it wrong

8.) When I study the wrong information for a test

9.) When I know people are talking about me but I don't know why

10.) When people whisper things about me RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, laugh, and then refuse to tell me what was said (A/N: If you're reading this, evil demon child and/or his new cronies, TAKE NOTE!)

11.) Writer's block

12.) Half-cat-half-goose animals that make really irritating noises

13.) The fact that on some days, I can see my breath in Potions class (A/N: this actually happened to me once)

14.) When I run out of ink for my quills

15.) When Ron steals my quills

16.) When Ron steals my quills and tosses them out a second floor window (A/N: and this happened to me too)

17.) When I'm walking to class, or to lunch, or wherever and a random suit of armor starts to sing to me

18.) Peeves

19.) When I really want something to read but don't have a good book

20.) When I need to look something up in the library but can't find any books that are relevant

21.) Chapped lips

22.) When my mouth gets dry

23.) When bad things happen and I am forced to write irrelevant lists (or fan fictions) in order to get my mind off of it

24.) When random llamas -

***6:12

Sorry that last list ended a little abruptly, but something happened. I'll explain.

Everything was normal when all of a sudden, the great hall fell silent and the sound of voices yelling could be heard from outside. Naturally, as this entire school is incredibly nosy, everyone rushed to see what was happening. I originally was going to stay back and then later ask someone what had happened, until I moved closer to the scene of the incident and recognized both of the vioces.

"You're a DIRTY LIAR!"

"You're too STUPID to realize what's GOING ON!"

One voice belonged to Harry, and the other to Ron. I managed to push my way through the crowd (which was no easy feat, let me tell you) and right into the middle of Harry and Ron's arguement.

"What is going on?" I demanded.

"You should hear the horrible things Harry's saying about you!" Ron told me. "He's saying...I'm not going to repeat any of that in front of the entire school...but he's saying really awful things!"

"Well they're true!" Harry spat.

"Yeah, how do you know?"

"Parvati told me everything!"

Well that explained it.

"Ron," I said softly, "calm down. Parvati was obviously lying...let's go before someone get's in trouble..."

"Ron, don't listen to her!" Harry shouted. "You deserve better than her!"

And that explained more. The way I see it, Parvati was using Harry because she knew that he'd be the only person Ron would listen to. If Harry wanted Ron to dump me, he might listen. Maybe she's not as stupid as I thought... And Harry probably mentioned this to Hagrid, which explains why he was acting differently around me. Things began to make sense.

"C'mon 'Mione, let's go," Ron said, pulling on my arm.

We began to walk away...with the entire school watching us. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted, "ALL RIGHT PEOPLE, THE SHOW'S OVER! NOTHING TO SEE HERE!"

Ron later explained all the horrible things Harry had said about me...I won't go into detail because quite frankly, I don't want to think about it. Everything Ron said Harry had told him was completely unture! Well...the part about me being 'on top of' Seamus was partially true, but that happened after I tripped down the stairs and landed 'on top of' him. I could NOT believe Harry would believe sure...DISGUSTING things about me!

I hate Parvati.

And the worst part is, I'm afraid Ron might actually start listening to Harry.

**THINGS TO DO**

1.) Not get upset

2.) Hate Parvati

3.) Scheme ways to hate Parvati more

4.) Scheme ways to get Harry to believe Ron and me again

5.) Scheme ways to get everyone to stop believing the Parvati, the source of all evil

6.) Eat

7.) Find some other way to get my mind off these things, besides writing irrelevant lists in my journal

8.) Study

9.) Avoid half-goose-half-cat hybrids

10.) Get a new quill, as I have almost completely destroyed this one from pressing down so hard with it

**Two minutes later

11.) Apologize to Neville, because when I tossed my almost completely destroyed quill behind me (I'm using a different one) it hit him directly in the eye

**Two more minutes later

12.) Take Neville to the hospital wing


Chapter 10: The Truth Revealed
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**Sunday, the hospital wing

Well, I almost successfully poked Neville's eye out. I've apologized to him about a thousand times now...but I still feel bad. He keeps assuring me that he's fine, and that weirder things have happened to him...which is true now that I think of it. But still!

**THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW**

1.) I almost incapacitated Neville (again)

2.) Parvati is spreading nasty rumors about me

3.) Harry and Hagrid believe these rumors

4.) Harry and Hagrid are trying to convince RON to believe these rumors

5.) There is a possibility that Ron will leave me and Parvati will get a chance to move in on him

6.) I'm hungry again

7.) I haven't studied for my tests tomorrow yet

8.) I'm running out of ink

***Monday, Breakfast

Wow. I just got a nasty letter from Parvati.

Hermione,

You know, I don't even like Ron that much. I could land someone ten times better than him if I wanted to. But I'm going to steal him from you just to prove to you that I can, and just to make you realize how pathetic you really are. You're going to wish you never started this with me.

For a girl who writes in pink swirly handwriting, she can be pretty mean! What bothers me is I have no idea what suddenly posessed her to give me this angry note. I mean...after yesterday it would seem like she had the upper hand... Did something happen?

**Later, History of Magic

Well, something happened.

"Ron," I said as we were walking to class. "Parvati sent me this horrible note this morning! I don't know what pushed her to do it...I mean, I haven't done anything to her in a while! She's been the one doing things to me!"

"Uh..."

I gave him a look.

"I kind of told her that..." he paused. "I told her that I thought she was an ugly troll, was dumber than Goyle, and if I had the choice between going out with her and Neville, I'd pick Neville."

"So why then is she ME?" I demanded.

"Because...you're my girlfriend?"

"And you'd pick Neville?" I added as an afterthought.

"Well he is kind-of cute..."

I smacked him as we entered Binns' class.

Honestly!

**Lunch

Wonderful, now Harry is standing up for his darling Parvati. We just had an argument.

"You know, I don't know why you're so mean to her," he said to me.

"Because she's mean to me!"

"You can be downright cruel to her sometimes!" he came back. "She's a wonderful person."

"Tell me now Harry," I snapped. "Why do you think she's so concerned with my relationship with Ron? Why do you think she's trying to break us up?"

"She is NOT trying to break you up!"

"Do you really believe this?"

"Yes!" But his face said otherwise.

Somehow...somehow I'm going to let everyone know that Parvati's a lying, conniving, evil little demon child. But how?

**Later, the common room

On a lighter note, Fred and George just sent Ron one of their new products, Voice-enhancing Vanillas. They're these little hard candies that either make your voice incredibly loud, incredibly soft, incredibly deep, or incredibly high-pitched. Everyone was testing them out - even Harry had to join in on the fun.

"Hey guys, what's happening?" Neville asked in a shrill voice.

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!" Seamus replied, whose voice had become magically magnified to seven times it's usual volume.

"Everything's all right," Ron added in his new, deep voice.

We spent the remainder of the evening messing around - UGH! Ron wants to write something and I'm tired of listening to him whine...hold on...

*ME IN HERMIONE'S JOURNAL*
by Ron Weasley
who is really hot

Hi I'm Ron and I'm really hot and I'm just so wickedly awesome and I'm a great Quidditch player and I'm writing a really really long sentence and Parvati's a troll and my brothers are weird and I'm kinda hungry and I'm running out of things to write and Hermione's a geek and this sentence is really long and I'm going to stop.

*END OF ME WRITING IN HERMIONE'S JOURNAL*

Wow, that was pointless. HE'S SO CUTE!

**Wednesday, breakfast

Parvati's spreading more wonderful rumors about me. I just love it, really I do. It really makes my day. Yesterday when McGonnagall was teaching us how to transfigure mushrooms into penguins, I just imagined that my mushroom was Parvati. Oh how I'd like to turn her into a penguin...but I couldn't. Besides, I like penguins.

So I turned her into a llama!

Just kidding...though I wish I wasn't.

**Later, Charms

Half the class thinks I'm disgusting. How, someone tell me, HOW is Parvati getting all these people to believe her?

**Dinner

Ron's the only one who will talk to me.

**Later

I hate everything.

**Thursday, Lunch

That's it! I want this war to END. Somehow, I've got to get everyone to stop believing Parvati! My first idea was to turn her into a monkey and mail her to Guam...but this might further the popular belief that I am a horrible person. And shoving her off the astronomy tower won't work either...

Somehow I'll get people to believe me.

And by the way, Neville's eye is much better.

**Thursday evening, the common room

Glee. I am dancing with glee. I AM DANCING WITH GLEE! I cannot remember the last time I've been so happy. I just ended the war.

I assume you'd like me to elaborate. So I will.

During dinner, Parvati started this especially terrible rumor about me and Ron...I'm not going to explain it here because I am happy right now and do not wish to think of anything that may take away from my joy. So of course, because this entire school is gossip crazy, the entire Gryffindor house knew about it by the time dinner was over. It was awful - when I walked into the common room, everyone was staring at me but no one would say anything. I felt the worst I have in a while.

For some reason, the evil one did not feel she had done enough damage, so she decided to make things worse.

"Hermione," she called to me, in front of...about everyone. "I've heard some interesting things."

"Yeah, you've said some interesting things," I said shortly.

"I'm just repeating what I heard."

I gave her a dangerous look.

"I think we need to talk," I said slowly.

"About what?"

"I think you know."

So then we left for a secluded part of the common room. At that point in time I was fighting off a really strong urge to conjure up some mashed potatoes and smash them in Parvati's ugly face...but I resisted the temptation.

"Look, we need to end this," I told her. "Neither of is getting anything out of this stupid fight."

"Oh but I am," she replied. "I love watching you squirm. I love making you miserable."

How evil is that?

"You need to stop spreading these rumors," I told her. "What've I ever done to you?"

"Nothing!" she said with a laugh.

"People believe you!"

"I know!" she snickered, popping a candy into her mouth. "IT'S NOT MY FAULT THIS SCHOOL'S DUMB ENOUGH TO BELIEVE ALL THE LIES I'VE BEEN TELLING THEM ABOUT YOU!"

She froze as she heard her voice echo throughout the common room. Horrified, she realized that she'd eaten a Voice-enhancing Vanilla. One that had magically magnified her voice to seven times it's normal volume.

"So all those things you told me about Hermione," Harry shouted at her from the other side of the room, "were lies? You've been lying to me?"

"I...I..." she stuttered.

"So what, you were just trying to get me mad at Hermione and Ron so I could mess up their relationship?" he continued, still yelling so that the entire common room could hear.

"But...that's not..."

"Why would you do something like that?" he exclaimed. "YOU'RE the evil one!"

The rest of the common room murmured in agreement.

"LET'S KILL HER!" someone burst.

"Um, no," I interrupted. "That's a little harsh..."

"All right then," the same person replied. "LET'S HUMILIATE HER!"

As tempting as this was, I had to say something. "Come on...let's just leave her alone, she's not worth the energy..."

Unfortunately, my strange plea to spare Parvati made the crowd angrier...now that I think of it, I have no idea why I tried to stop them. I'm really too nice to people. Anyway, this newly formed angry mob, led by Harry (he is SUCH a good friend sometimes) advanced on Parvati. Within minutes, the evil one was covered in florescent pink feathers and had a long, bushy tail.

I just sat back and laughed. It was amazing.

And then, to make things even better, Harry apologized.

"Hermione, I'm so sorry," he said to me. "I don't know what I was thinking...I mean, for some reason I just believed everything she was telling me...she made it so BELIEVABLE!"

"Don't worry about it," I assured him.

"And Ron, I'm sorry for fighting with you too," he went on, turning to Ron.

"Eh, who cares," Ron replied. "It's over mate."

So everything's good...for once.

A/N: There's going to be one more chapter, for some closure...thought I'd tell you now. This story has to end, otherwise the plot will go completely out the window and I'll just start rambling. Please review!


Chapter 11: Epilogue - Learn Your Lessons
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**Saturday, the library

I'm sooooo glad Parvati has finally learned her lesson. She hasn't spoken to me since the pink feathers/tail incident...which is quite fine by me. We only acknowledge each other when it's absolutely necessary. So as for now, nothing will come between Ron and me!

And, Harry's realized that he doesn't need to follow Ron and me around every moment of every day. It's not that I don't like spending time with him...it's just that sometimes I want to talk to Ron. Alone. Thankfully Harry's realized this...probably because he's now going out with Ginny and now knows the importance of good alone time. Ron's reaction to this was hilarious.

"You're going out with my sister?" he exclaimed. "WHAT? I swear, if I hear anything about her being unhappy...I swear I'll kill you! I'll shove you off the the astronomy tower! I'll feed you to the giant squid! I'll shove you in the Vanishing Cabinent and hope you don't come back! I'll..."

His threats went on for about another hour or so. It was pretty hilarious, though I couldn't laugh, because I didn't want to get him angrier.

**REASONS WHY I AM QUITE HAPPY RIGHT NOW**

1.) Parvati has stopped trying to make my life as miserable as possible

2.) Ron is looking especially cute today

3.) Harry is back to normal

4.) Hagrid is also back to normal, and it was pretty funny hearing him yell at Harry. ("Harry! I should've known not ta listen ta yeh! Tellin' me all them awful things about 'Ermione...what wer yeh thinkin'?")

5.) I just ate a really, really good sandwich

6.) Neville's eye has completely healed, and I have learned my lesson about tossing around any objects that could be considered pointy

7.) Malfoy just tripped. I know, it's mean, but it was really funny and he had it coming. I'm trying not to laugh, otherwise he'll come over here...

7.5) Ok, I laughed. I couldn't help it

8.) Hagrid managed to capture all the half-goose-half-cat hybrids, so they're not squawking around all day, driving innocent students insane.

9.) One goose/cats got loose...and flew into Parvati. I love karma.

10.) The toads in...Ron wants to write. WHY CAN'T HE JUST GET HIS OWN JOURNAL? Because he wouldn't write in it. I just answered my own question.

**ME IN HERMIONE'S JOURNAL**

Ummm...I don't know what to write. Uh...I'm awesome and...I'm better than Harry and...haha Malfoy just tripped again...and... uh...Quidditch is cool...and...Hermione thinks I should write a list. So I'm going to write a list. I'm going to write a list of...ugly things.

**MY LIST OF UGLY THINGS**

1.) Snape

2.) Malfoy

3.) Malfoy's mum

4.) Malfoy's dad

5.) goose/cat thingies

6.) flobberworms

7.) Snape's classroom

8.) Crabbe

9.) Goyle

10.) All right, all the Slytherins...and anyone else in Malfoy's family that I forgot to mention

11.) that bush outside

13.) That girl's socks

14.) That guy's hair

15.) The painting on the wall outside the hospital wing

16.) Uh...other stuff that's ugly

**END OF ME IN HERMIONE'S JOURNAL**

Wow...I can't stop laughing now. I must admit I agree - Ron is awesome.

**Later

I couldn't believe it. The funniest thing just happened...apparently Parvati hadn't learned her lesson, but she definitely has now. I'll explain, after I stop laughing that is.

All right, I highly doubt I've mentioned it, but Hannah Abbot is going out with this guy...Rob I think his name is. Or maybe it's Bob...but who really cares. Anyway, I heard that Rob used to like Parvati, but stopped after she started liking Ron. Parvati, for some reason, did not like the idea of Rob liking Hannah more than he liked her, so she decided to do something about it.

Rob was sitting at another table in the library reading something when I saw her approach him. It was obvious to me that he had absolutely no interest in her and wanted nothing more than to be allowed to return to his book. She, apparently, didn't notice and continued to try and flirt and kept touching him...completely unaware of the fact that the expression on his face was one of disgust. It was kind of sad, really. Poor Rob.

"Ugh, get away!" he kept repeating. "I just want to read!"

"Oh Robbie, I know you like me," she giggled. "There's no need to hide it anymore."

"I liked you once," he replied, "but now I have no idea why."

"C'mon, let's talk. Hannah's not here..."

She leaned in to kiss him, but he moved away, knocking over a stack of books in the process.

"Ugh, I'd rather kiss Malfoy!"

Parvati looked appalled.

Then, to make things even funnier, Hannah entered the scene.

"What's going on?" she asked Rob, obviously curious to why he looked like he had just been forced to eat a flobberworm. "I heard you yelling."

"She tried to kiss me!"

"I don't know what he's talking about," Parvati replied innocently. "I mean, he came on to me, but I knew he was your boyfriend so I backed away!"

Now, let me remind you that Hannah is normally a timid person. She's not the kind of person who would yell or do anything dramatic. However she seemed to have forgotten this. She slapped Parvati. Yes, Hannah Abbot slapped Parvati.

I couldn't hold it in. I laughed. Loudly.

"What is WRONG with you?" Hannah exclaimed. "Are you SERIOUS?"

"You just...you just..." Parvati couldn't seem to get the words out. "I...I...he..."

Before Parvati had a chance to say anything that actually made sense, Madam Pince came over to see what all the noise was about. Immediately she located the culprits. She kicked Parvati, Rob, and Hannah out of the library for talking too loudly...and then kicked me out for laughing too loudly.

Oh well. It happens.

**MORE REASONS WHY I AM QUITE HAPPY RIGHT NOW**

10.) Parvati has truly learned her lesson

11.) Watching Hannah snap was hilarious

12.) Watching Madam Pince was just as hilarious, if not more so

13.) The look on Parvati's face was hilarious

14.) Ron is looking VERY ESPECIALLY cute today

15.) The look on Ron's face right now, as he stares down Ginny and Harry, is hilarious

16.) Now that I think of it, I guess you could say I won the war.

I am so cool sometimes


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