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Harry Potter and the Hideous Black and Pink Purse by erm

Format: Novel
Chapters: 4
Word Count: 1,687
Status: Abandoned

Rating: 15+
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Violence,

Genres: Drama, Humor, Mystery
Characters: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Snape, Voldemort, Ginny
Pairings:

First Published: 09/15/2004
Last Chapter: 09/19/2004
Last Updated: 10/03/2004

Summary:


Hello. (Clears throat) I just wanted to ask you to read my story... Because... Well, I think it's funny, and - You know what... Don't read it, but you will regret it one day! That's right, one day!


Chapter 1: The Purse Attacks
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(Harry is minding his own business)

HARRY - (Reading Quidditch through the Ages but secretly looking over the cover at everyone else)

(Harry pauses and then takes a moment to write something down in his notebook)

NOTEBOOK READS - Day 31 of spying on fellow students. I have this to report for today:
I, Pickled Toad Eyes, am stationed in the library, where many students are reading books. Could this be an early warning sign of Hermione-Like bossyness?

HARRY - (Looks around once more)

NOTEBOOK READS - Small Kid's reading, "Most Potente Potions" Which makes no sense since it's a restricted book. I should go check it out.

GINNY - (Peering over Harry's shoulder) Harry, you have no life.

HARRY - (Jumps) ARGH!

MADAME PINCE - OUT! OUT! NO SCREAMING IN THE LIBRARY! OUT! NO SCREAMING! OUT! OUT! NO SCREAMING IN HERE! AAAAAAAAAA! OUT! OUT! OUT!

(Harry and Ginny tear out of the library)

SMALL KID - (Takes off mask to reveal Voldemort) Phew, I thought he had me there!

(Meanwhile)

GINNY - You really need to stop spying on other students, Harry. Someone's going to report you.

HARRY - It's not my fault! They're so young and innocent!

GINNY - (Stares, alarmed, at Harry) Well... Stop, okay? Please, you already wrote about me and Dean snogging and if Ron had seen that... (Shudders)

HARRY - Hey, you made me burn that page and now all that other information is gone, too.

GINNY - Okay, fine, keep spying, I owe you one. But please, please don't spy on me!

HARRY - Deal.

(Ginny leaves)

HARRY - (Writes: Weasley W Weasley #7 seems overly twitchy. Something's up, and not just that Thomas kid either...)

(Suddenly)

PINK AND BLACK PURSE - (Snarles and charges after Harry)

HARRY - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Drops notebook and pen and runs away)

(A dark and sinister looking man picks the notebook up)

DRAK AND SINISTER LOOKING MAN - Well, well, well... We'll just see about this.

*I know, it's dumb.*

Chapter 2: Everyone Loves to Spy
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HARRY – (Sitting on the floor of the Girl’s Washroom… Well… One of them…)

CHO – (Walks in) Um… Harry? This is a Girl’s Washroom.

HARRY – (Slams new notebook) Fine, be sexist!

CHO – (Stares after Harry… Starts crying)

GINNY – (Comes out of stall) Oh, don’t cry, Cho. Harry’s been in a bad mood since someone stole his old notebook and fluffy pink pen.

CHO – (Heaves great sobs) It’s – all – my – fault!

GINNY – YOU stole the notebook?

CHO – No – I – ate – the – mushrooms – (Balls her eyes out, screaming in anguish)

GINNY – Riiiiiight… I’ll just… Leave now. (Leaves)

DOBBY – (Comes out of stall) Weasley W Weasley seems to be obsessed with Potter P Potter… I should check it out.

FUDGE – (Comes out of other stall) Dobby D Dobby seems to be obsessed with people spying on Potter P Potter… I should check it out.

MAD EYE MOODY – (Comes out of stall) Fudge F Fudge seems to be obsessed with everyone obsessed with spying on Potter P Potter. I should check it out.

SIR CADAGON – (Comes out of… Er… Side of Frame) People seem to be popping out of nowhere… I should check it out.

CHO – (Sobs in agony) This is a GIRL’S Washroom! AHHHHHHHHHH! (Runs out of room, smashes into wall because she’s blinded by tears)

(The men/male creatures leave, muttering to themselves)

PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE – (Comes out of stall, pulls off mask to reveal Voldemort) Phew, I thought I was done for…

(Meanwhile…)

HARRY – If only my old notebook was around! (Sobs) Whoa, resemblance to Cho… Freaky.

GINNY – Hey, Harry!

DOBBY – (Speaks to readers directly) Don’t you see? She’s everywhere!

HARRY – What’s – AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Pink and Black Purse attacks out of nowhere and chases both Ginny and Harry out of the hall way)

VOLDEMORT – (Casually strolls through hallway…) La la la la la! Potter can’t know that I’m here… He’s being chased by a purse!

DUMBLEDORE – (Joins millions of other people in the hallway) A HAH! Voldemort.

VOLDEMORT – (Starts in surprise) Crap! I forgot about you! Oh well. Tra la la la la!

DUMBLEDORE – (Joins in singing)

HALL – (Joins in singing)

ERM – THIS IS NOT A MUSICAL!

(Everyone stops and runs in terror)

ERM – Okay, that’s it for this chappa.

Chapter 3: Snape Snapped
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HARRY – (Looks around pillar) Ummmm… I think it’s gone.

GINNY – (Looks around pillar) Hey, I think you’re right.

TROLL – (Peers passed Ginny and Harry) I hope you are, because I’m frightened!

(Harry and Ginny stare at troll)

TROLL – (Clears throat) I mean… UHHHHHHHHHHH! (Troll attacks them with club)

HARRY & GINNY – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (They run away from troll)

PURSE – (Snarles)

HARRY & GINNY – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

TROLL – UG!!!

(They’re surrounded by a purse and a troll)

(Someone grabs the back of their robes and pulls them into a secret corridor)

HARRY – Whoa… I didn’t know Hogwarts had a secret corridor!

GINNY – This is no secret corridor! This is the hallway we take to get to the Great Hall!

HARRY – But that’s the entrance hall!

GINNY – Yes, Harry, we’re in the entrance hall.

SNAPE – Yes you are.

HARRY – YOU saved us?

SNAPE – Well, sure, I understood your predicament and I made it my responsibility to be sure that you –

HARRY – I thought you loathed my father, and then you loathed me!

SNAPE – Well, ever since I got my first cat, I decided that a grudge against you father, God rest his soul, would be entirely and utterly pointless.

HARRY – Riiiiight.

GINNY – Cat?

SNAPE – My new obsession. I have many of them… I named one Salamander Blood after the potion ingredient… And I’ve got Expecto Patronum after the spell… And Flobberworm after… Flobberworms.

HARRY – Three?

SNAPE – Oh, no, I’ve got thirty.

GINNY – THIRTY?

SNAPE – I believe that’s what I said, is it not?

HARRY – This is too weird.

SNAPE – And anyway, Potter, I discovered your notebook on the floor and took it in for safe keeping.

HARRY – And my fluffy pen?

SNAPE – Yes, although I’m not altogether sure as to where that is… Cats love to bat pens around…

HARRY – That’s okay, I have three.

SNAPE – Excellenté! I'll go retrieve it for you.

GINNY – (Whispers) Harry, I don’t think we should trust him.

HARRY – I want my notebook.

GINNY – Harry!

HARRY – No, Ginny, I have to. You don’t understand, but there are some things worth dying for!

GINNY – Ummm, right.

(Snape retrieves Harry's notebook)

GINNY – Okay, can we leave now?

(They leave the Entrance Hall)

SNAPE - Bye, now.

(Hermione and Ron and leaving the Great Hall)

HERMIONE – (Looking surprised) Ginny! Harry!

RON – What are you two doing here?

HARRY – Nothing. Listen – (And he tells them of Snape’s sudden outbreak of friendliness)

RON – Great, but, I don’t care.

(He and Hermione leave)

HARRY – What’s up with them?

GINNY – (Sighs) They don’t care about anything we say anymore.

HARRY – Why?

GINNY – Because they’re snobs. Okay, let’s go to the Library, you can spy quietly in there!

HARRY – Great! D’you wanna be my accomplice?

GINNY – Sure!

HARRY – You need a code name.

(They enter the Library)

RON – (From behind some pillar) Hah! They think we’re snobs!

HERMIONE – This plan to make Harry and Ginny think we’re snobs is excellent!

RON – I know! It’s such a great way to use time wisely!

VOLDEMORT – I know, eh?

RON AND HERMIONE – EEEEEEEEEEK! I mean… Uh… I’m not scared!

HERMIONE – Were you scared?

RON – No! Were you?

HERMIONE – No!

RON – Good, we’re not wimps.

HERMIONE – Yeah, we’re like… The unafraid friends.

RON – Yeah, we are!

VOLDEMORT – I’d kill them, but they’re so entertaining.

*More later*

Chapter 4: The Patronus
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(In Library)

NOTEBOOK – (Reads) Malfoy M Malfoy seems to be entirely too cheerful for a person with a father in Azkaban… I should check it out.

HARRY – (Whispers into invisible extendable ear) Come in Fire Head! This is Pickled Toad Eyes calling Fire Head.

EXTENDABLE EAR – Read you, Pickled Toad Eyes.

HARRY – I’m following a lead, Malfoy M Malfoy.

EXTENDABLE EAR – Got it, I’ll cover you. Over and out.

(Harry advances upon Malfoy)

MALFOY – (Exasperated) What do you want, Potter?

HARRY – (To Extendable Ear) Mayday, Mayday! Subject has seen me!

EXTENDABLE EAR – Code five!

HARRY – Oh, I just noticed what beautiful eyes you had.

EXTENDABLE EAR – That’s code six, you moron! Code five!

HARRY – Right… Malfoy, I wanted to talk to you about… Global Warming.

MALFOY – (Stares at Harry) Potter, have you gone mad?

(Harry sits at Malfoy’s table)

HARRY – No, seriously, I’m wondering how bad the environmental damage will be…

MALFOY – I’m guessing we’ll all die.

HARRY – Interesting hypothesis! (Writes something down in notebook)

MALFOY – No, wait… That says, “Malfoy M Malfoy isn’t cheerful, he’s negative today, as usual.” Potter, have you been spying on me?

HARRY – Of course not! (To Extendable Ear) Mayday, subject has discovered project!

EXTENDABLE EAR – I’m on my way, Pickled Toad Eyes. (Loud screech and snarling)

HARRY – The purse! Malfoy, help!

MALFOY – Potter, you’re stupidity saddens me.

(They go outside and see the purse eating Ginny’s leg)

GINNY – MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

HARRY – EXPECTO PATRONUM!

PATRONUS – Um… What do you want me to do?

HARRY – Get the purse!

PATRONUS – You want me to attack a purse?

HARRY – Yes!

PATRONUS – I quit.

(The Patronus disappears)

MALFOY – Well, that always sucks.

HARRY – No! EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO PATRONUM!

(Voldemort shoots out of his wand)

HARRY – What?

VOLDEMORT – I’m your new Patronus!

HARRY – Correct me if I’m wrong but, DHYIKJEDHYHWDIDSWSDDUEW FIFHEEWR UWHF EUF FUFDE FD! (That was confused shouting)

MALFOY – No, you’re on the dot.

GINNY – A little help, here, please?

(They take the purse off her leg and it scampers away, handles flopping)

VOLDEMORT – Crap! I’ve just realized the magnitude of what has happened! I am now enslaved to your wand, coming out whenever you summon me to protect you!

SNAPE – (In the shadows) All a part of my evil plan! Muah ha ha ha ha! (Clears throat and looks around)

*For now that’s it*

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