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A Love Story to Last Five Minutes (Because a Lifetime is Just Too Long) by TomFoolery

Format: Short story
Chapters: 6
Word Count: 4,512

Rating: Mature
Warnings: Contains profanity, Scenes of a sexual nature

Genres: General, Humor, Romance
Characters: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, OC
Pairings: Draco/Hermione, Harry/OC, Ron/OC

First Published: 08/01/2004
Last Chapter: 08/05/2004
Last Updated: 01/02/2007

This story is co-written by myself and looneylupin to make ourselves laugh at two in the morning and fill it to the brim with cliches and bad ideas. Draco becomes Head Boy, Hermione becomes Head Girl, and they are forced to share a room. Will sparks fly? Who cares? The point is how fast can the story's authors make them fly? Expect a bad story! Leaving a review that tells me how bad it is is only going to make me laugh at you, laugh hard at you.

Chapter 1: All the Small Things
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Chapter 1: All the Small Things (pirated off of Blink182)
Author: looneylupin

Draco Malfoy was lazing around his home in the middle of August. He had been waiting for days to hear from Hogwarts so he will have his class book list so he can send his mother to Diagon Alley for his supplies. Suddenly a large barn owl flew through the open window in the sitting room he was sitting in and clutched in its beak was a Hogwarts letter.

The owl dropped the letter in Draco’s lap gave a soft hoot and flew out the window again. Draco opened the Hogwarts encrusted seal and read that he had become the new head boy. He was sure it would have been Potter Dumbledore’s favorite and there was no doubt that the head girl would be, “Granger!” Draco smirked.


Hermione Granger was sitting in her bedroom writing letters to her best friends Ron and Harry who had opted to spend the summer together at the Burrow. She was becoming very anxious for her Hogwarts letter to arrive because she had a feeling that Dumbledore just might make her the new Head Girl and Harry the new Head Boy.

There was a sound of soft tapping on her window and Hermione turned and saw a large tawny owl tapping it with its beak. Hermione ran over and opened her window; the large owl flew in, dropped a letter at her feet and flew back out. Hermione leaned over and squealed with delight when she saw it was from Hogwarts. She hastily ripped open the letter and began smiling widely and finally yelling at the top of her lungs.

There was a sound of rushed footsteps and two people burst through her door, her cousin Cassie and her best friend Janelle. Both girls were transfers from the Salem Academy in the United States and would be finishing their education at Hogwarts. Neither girl gave the exact information on why they were kicked out but both girls claimed “that we were just a having a bit of indoor fun!”

Both girls were the same age as Hermione but she was never as outgoing or boy crazy as her cousin Cassie, boys seemed to fall at her feet. She had shoulder length blond hair and bright blue eyes that you could easily stare into for hours. Her body was perfect in every way, her curves were perfect and Hermione had seen many guys staring at her very long tan legs.

Janelle, Cassie’s best friend, was her exact equal in every way. Both girls could attract any guy they wanted but just as many worshiped the ground Janelle walked on. She had long dark red hair that fell graciously around her tan shoulders. Her green eyes sparkled when she smiled and her full luscious lips were something that every guy wanted to taste. Her body was similar to Cassie’s, both having full chests that the guys seemed to stare at endlessly.

Sometimes Hermione wondered how they were ever related. Cassie eventually spoke. “Hermione, why did you yell? Are you ok?”

“Yeah I’m fine, I’ve just been made head girl... I hope Harry is head boy!”

“Oh is he that delicious one with the dark hair and gorgeous eyes?” Cassie asked her cousin.

“Yes he is!” Hermione eyes her suspiciously.

“I think the red haired one looks tasty!” Janelle piped in.

“This is going to be a long year.” Hermione muttered to herself.

Chapter 2: Anything But Ordinary
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Chapter Two: Anything but Ordinary (title pirated off of Avril Lavigne)
Author: TomFoolery

A few days had gone by since Hermione had gotten her letter. The thought of returning to school sent shivers down her spine, in spite of Cassie and Janelle’s repeated eye rolling and tongue-clicking at the thought of returning to school.

One day, Cassie was looking at Hermione’s shaggy, scraggly hair and stood and shouted:

“I can’t take it anymore! Why do you have to look like a bag lady?!”

Janelle smirked and nodded in agreement.

“Well, what are you talking about? Aren’t I, pretty enough?” Hermione asked with a wavering voice.

“No!” Cassie and Janelle said simultaneously.

“Oh I know!” Janelle shouted triumphantly. “We can give you a makeover!”

Janelle quickly ran downstairs to grab a pair of scissors and Cassie fiendishly looked over a very nervous-looking Hermione.

“What did you have in mind?”

Three hours later Hermione was to be found in the bathroom and was the very vision of a succulent goddess. She had long straight hair that flowed as a curtain down her back, hip huggers that showed off a rather nice-looking pair of hips, lip gloss that made her lips lusciously kissable, and a sexier pair of smoky dark eyes than any that ever graced the cover of Vogue. She was so hot. Fleur Delacour was a bow wow in comparison.

“Mum’s going to kill me…” Hermione gasped as she stared at a pair of breasts she had hardly ever noticed before.

“Wow!” she thought.

Hermione’s back straightened and her chest puffed unmistakably out a bit as she smiled in the reflection.


September 1st rolled around sooner than everyone had expected it to, and it wasn’t long before everyone was packing their trunks and making ready to go away.

Janelle and Cassie moaned and groaned, Hermione anxiously ran all over the house (tripping in her new clogs and fashionably torn jeans and low-cut shirts) searching for more spell books to cram in her trunk.

Miles away, Draco Malfoy sat listening to his father weave the same old tale about upholding the family honor and staying away from unclean Mudbloods. He hadn’t yet told his father that he would be sharing a room with Granger. He knew his father would find out eventually, but he didn’t want to be the one to tell him. Such news would only make Lucius Malfoy angry, and an angry father made for unpleasant circumstances on Draco’s part.

In seemingly no time, young witches and wizards began filling the station at King’s Cross and Draco was filtering out his father’s words of caution when the most beautiful creature (likely the most beautiful thing in all existence) walked through the barrier behind him.

She had a sense of self about her that blew him away. Her long, rich brown hair flowed down her caramel-colored shoulders, her honey brown eyes (though looking in another direction) held such fire and lust in them. Not to mention that the tank top she wore showed off a perfectly fit and trim tummy finished off with a light blue belly button ring that Janelle had talked her into getting. Cassie had ripped her jeans in a few provocative places, showing yet more skin.

“She’s hot!” Draco screamed silently to himself.

She looked up and looked him dead in the eye and it hit him suddenly who it was. It was Granger…

Hermione looked straight at Draco Malfoy and felt her heart jump all over the inside of her chest. Hermione felt herself going weak at the knees and she wanted so badly to fall into his arms as she stared into his cold grey eyes. What was it about those eyes?... Was that… love?!

They walked along to the Head’s compartment in awkward silence as Janelle and Cassie, makers of this new, sexy little girl walked away with her former enemy.

“What was that all about?” Cassie hissed to Janelle.

“I think your little cousin ditched us for a guy. How freakin’ typical.” Janelle complained.

“Well, you know what the only solution to our predicament is?” Cassie asked mischievously.

“Go get some for ourselves…” Janelle said, slightly distracted as a tall, ravishingly handsome boy with raven hair and glasses ambled past, along with a mysteriously muscular and sensual red head.

“Ka-ching!” Janelle said as she spit out her gum and stalked in for the kill.

Cassie looked over at the boys and followed her. Both girls had an unmistakable swing in their hips as they walked after Ron and Harry, a special swing that turned a lot of boys’ heads on that Platform.

It was going to be a very long year indeed.

Chapter 3: Honey
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Chapter Three: Honey (title pirated off of Mariah Carey)
Author: looneylupin

Cassie and Janelle followed the two delicious boys to their compartment and found to their great surprise that there were already two people in there. The girls watched as the boys said their hello’s and sat down across from the chubby but modestly cute boy and the red haired girl.

Cassie and Janelle made sure that Hermione was preoccupied with that gorgeous blond before they decided to move in on their prey. The two girls walked over to the door of the compartment and both leaned against the door frames.

“Hello boys!” Janelle purred.

Everyone in the compartment looked up at the two scantily dressed girls occupying their doorframe. The raven haired boy was the first to speak.

“Er, Hello..... Have we met?”

Cassie decided that he was the one she wanted. “No, but I’d like to get to know you a little better. I’m Hermione’s cousin from America and this,” Cassie pointed to Janelle. “Is my best friend Janelle. We are transferring from Salem Academy where we can no longer attend due to some extracurricular activities.”

Janelle walked in and stood beside Cassie, she saw both Ron and Harry were staring at them withal dangerous look in their eyes. She walked over to Ron and held out her hand. “You must be Ron Weasley? Hermione talks about you so much!”

“And you!” Cassie cut in on Janelle by holding out her hand to Harry “Must be the famous Harry Potter, I’ve heard all about you but Hermione never said you were this sexy.” Both girls smirked as they saw the boys blush.

After a few minutes of mindless talk about themselves Hermione interrupted them by gliding into their compartment. Ron, Harry and Neville seemed very shocked at the new Hermione.

“They like our work I see?” Janelle whispered to Cassie as she saw the look on the boys faces.


That night after the feast Draco and Hermione were sitting in their common room waiting for their friends to join them for a rousing game of truth or dare. Hermione had came up with the idea during the welcome feast and her cousin Cassie, Janelle, Ron and Harry all thought it would be a good idea to play.

Hermione was watching the fire cast shadows that danced across the room and as she waited, she noticed how the light seemed to make Draco glow. She watched as he stared into the flames, the fire reflecting in his grey eyes, his chest heaving up and down slowly as he took a breath. She was caught off guard when he turned to her and smiled.

Draco was doing anything he could to keep his eyes off the angelic figure that was in the room with him. It had been drilled in his head for 17 years that Mudbloods are below him and he was to never associate himself with one. Only this time he was captivated by her beauty, the way her hair cascaded down her shoulders and framed her perfect face. The way she seemed to always smile when she saw one of her friends, and even the way she chewed on her bottom lip when she was thinking. He turned his attention to her and saw that she was staring at him and he smiled making her blush.

He walked swiftly over to the sofa she was sitting on and watched as she became nervous around him. He moved a strand of her brown hair behind her ear and rubbed his thumb across her cheek; he leaned down and plants a sweet kiss on her tender lips making her shudder. He intensified the kiss making Hermione moan in response. Draco began to feel for the buttons on her shirt when a knock at the door stopped him. He swore loudly making Hermione giggle, she quickly straightened herself up and opened the door letting her friends come in.

The game went on for hours; it ended up with Cassie and Harry having to snog as well as Janelle and Ron. Hermione laughed at the dazed looks Harry and Ron gave when the two girls were finished with them. Finally it was Cassie’s turn to ask someone and she knew just who she wanted to ask.

“Hermione” she said to her cousin. “Truth or dare?”

“Well, truth... no, no, dare... ok, ok, truth.” Hermione couldn’t decide what she wanted to do.

Cassie smirked at her cousin; she was going to make her reveal her real secrets. “Ok Hermione, how do you really feel about Draco.....? Now?” Cassie saw Janelle smile at her from the corner of her eyes. Draco just sat there dumbfounded that Hermione’s cousin would make her actually say this in front of Potter and the Weasel King.

“Well... I guess I like it. I like him a lot!” Hermione whispered.

“What was that ‘Mione?” Harry asked his best friend.

“I said,” Hermione darted her eyes around the room nervously. “I like him, a lot.”

Ron and Harry both seemed to be confused about what Hermione had just said but Draco had a look of triumph on his face. Instead of speaking to anyone he leaned over and kissed Hermione passionately, all she could do was return the favor by accepting the kiss and moaning his names against his lips. Neither of them saw that Hermione’s friends had left, Harry and Ron being dragged by Cassie and Janelle, both boys with a look of frustration on their face.

Chapter 4: Magic Carpet Ride
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Chapter Four: Magic Carpet Ride (pirated off of Steppenwolf)
Author: TomFoolery

Draco and Hermione’s affections grew as the weeks came. It was like seven years of hatred had just *poof* disappeared. They were hopelessly, sadly in love. Harry and Ron had little time to be jealous that Hermione had shacked up with their enemy, for Cassie and Janelle had seen to that. It was uncanny really how Hermione had Draco, Harry had Cassie, and Ron had Janelle. Everyone had someone special!

But things seemed too perfect, and Cassie expressed her affections one morning at the breakfast table.

“It is just getting so boring around here! We need to spice things up! I know, let’s have a karaoke party!”

Janelle and Ron didn’t look over from their intense snogging. In fact Janelle and Ron were going at it so sensuously that a few people at the Gryffindor table were beginning to look disgusted as her fingers ripped through his sexy red hair and the pair of them made animal noises through their close-knit kissing.

Hermione and Draco were looking into each others’ eyes with the most sickening puppy dog look.

“No, I love you more!” Draco said with a sweet smile to Hermione.

“No you don’t pookie poo! I love you more!” Hermione exclaimed.

“No, I love you more!”

“Awwww, Draco, you’re so sweet to me!” Hermione said finally as they began feeding each other helpings of toast and eggs, neither taking their eyes off the other.

The only two people who had heard Cassie’s idea was Harry (who immediately nodded his head in undying devotion to Cassie) and Dumbledore.

“I think it’s a great idea!” Dumbledore exclaimed.

With a single sweep of his wand, the House tables were put against the walls and the students in the Great Hall stood around in confusion.

“Here’s how we’ll do it.” Dumbledore began. “I’ll put songs in the Sorting Hat (which appeared miraculously out of no where, and you can draw them out! Who wants to go first?”

Hermione pushed Draco forwards and he went nervously over to Dumbledore and drew out “Milkshake” by Kelis from the hat.

“I am not singing that song!” he said angrily.

“Do it for me Drakie poo?” Hermione cooed.

“Ok, only for you my bride, my love, my other half!”

Ron and Harry were doubled over in laughter as Draco sang the song.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're like, it's better than yours
Damn right it's better than yours
I could teach you
But I have to charge

Ron and Harry, along with many other students in the Great Hall were nearly blue in the face from laughing so hard. Once Draco was done, he got off the stage, humiliated, and Hermione lovingly petted his head and showered him with gross (oh, I mean delightful) public displays of affection.

Next it was Janelle and Cassie’s turn. Cassie drew out Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” and amid cat calls and even Terry Boot trying to shove a dollar bill down Janelle’s pants, they sang out the seductive lyrics.

Then Snape sang Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean.” No one really knew how much that man really loved performing until just then when he screamed out the lyrics

Billie Jean Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One
But The Kid Is Not My Son
She Says I Am The One, But The Kid Is Not My Son

“I don’t think that Snape can get any lover, let alone one that would pop out one of his kids…” Harry whispered to Ron, who nodded in agreement.

When Harry had to sing Missy Elliot’s “Work it” was when Draco got his turn to laugh. Ever since Draco and Hermione had professed their eternal love for one another, things between Harry, Ron, and Draco had become great. They were all the best friends in the world, and liked to play around with one another like great old chums.

Is it worth it, let me work it
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it
If you got a big ***, let me search it
And find out how hard I gotta work ya
I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it…

The whole Great Hall was laughing fit to burst but Harry was clearly enjoying himself. Once the song was over, he began to sing again, and Cassie jumped on stage with him and they both sang it as a duet.

The night went on and everyone was having the best karaoke party Hogwarts had ever had. Actually, it may have well been the first karaoke party that Hogwarts had ever had, but it was fun nonetheless.

When Draco and Hermione went to their private room, they fell asleep kissing on Draco’s bed.

“I love you Hermione. I would die for you! Will you marry me?” Draco said softly as the two of them began to fall asleep in each other’s arms.

“Oh yes Draco! I love you so much. I will!”

And with that they fell asleep.

Chapter 5: Dirrty
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Chapter Five: Dirrty (title pirated off of Christina Aguilera)
Author: looneylupin

Hermione had never been so happy in her entire life, her every waking moment was spent with her fiancé (inward squeal) Draco. She couldn’t believe that she was going to marry the love of her life. Hermione walked into the shared common room and saw him sleeping on the sofa in front of the fire in only pair of boxers.

She stared as his chest rose and fell with every peaceful breath and she watched as the firelight danced shadows on his gorgeous torso. His muscular frame was illuminated by the firelight and Hermione felt herself stir deep inside. She walked over to him and stripped her clothes off, straddled him and leaned down and awoke him with the most passionate kiss he had ever experienced.

Draco woke up to find a naked Hermione sitting on top of him and his body responded before his mind had time to register exactly what was going on. Hermione pulled his boxers down as she left a trail of kisses down his body. He felt himself getting excited as she came back up to his face and whispered in his ear.

“I want you Draco Malfoy, I want you so bad.”

They made love like rabid bunnies, giving into each other time after time after time until they were almost sick to their stomachs (like a rollercoaster ride gone wrong).

“Oh Draco,” she moaned “You are so… big!”

They continued to like mad rabbits until the sun came up. They passed out in each other’s arms, satisfied that they had given each other their virginities.


The next day Hermione was eating breakfast with her friends when Draco came over and sat with her. They sat and talked to each other for a few minutes before they were interrupted by Janelle’s complaints of how boring Hogwarts was.

“We always had something to do at Salem Academy.”

“You mean you always had someone to do…” Hermione remarked at Janelle and Cassie.

“Well that to but we’ve got Ron and Harry here.” Cassie replied and then went back to snogging Harry.

“What I was talking about is we need a dance…. Something only the sixth and seventh years can go too.” Janelle told them.

“Hey that sounds like a good idea, we haven’t had a dance here since the Yule ball in our fourth year and I don’t see why Dumbledore wouldn’t let us have one.” Hermione told them.

“Fine it’s settled then; we will talk to Dumbledore and convince him to let us plan one.” Draco piped in.


Hermione and Draco talked to Professor Dumbledore that evening and he though that it was a grand idea for them to have a ball, he even said that it could last until 2am since it was only the older students.

When Hermione and Draco told their friends about the ball they all instantly began planning on what their costumes would be because it was to be a masquerade ball. Hermione and Draco had decided to go as Romeo and Juliet because they knew that their love was forbidden from Draco’s father’s point of view.

Draco received an owl from his father one day while sitting in the common room with Hermione studying.


Meet me in the Hogshead this weekend, we have your future to discuss and you better not be late.

Your Father,
Lucius Malfoy

“Drakie Poo, what was that letter about?” Hermione asked him because of the stunned look on his face.

“Oh love, nothing for you to worry about, just something from my father.” He told her but in the back of his mind he was terrified, his father never came to Hogsmeade especially to talk to Draco.

Chapter 6: Hit me Baby One More Time
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Chapter Six: Hit me Baby One More Time (title pirated off of Britney Spears)
Author: TomFoolery

They had been organizing the ball for a few months and Hermione talked about nothing but Draco and what she was going to wear. Cassie and Janelle were satisfied that they had transformed her at last into a recognizable girl.

On the night of the ball, Draco paced and paced around the room he shared with Hermione. How was he supposed to tell her that his father was shipping him off the next morning to be married to Pansy Parkinson?

He and Pansy had been childhood sweethearts, but nothing could top his love for Hermione.

“Oh Hermione!” he wailed. “I love you! I LOVE YOU!!!” he screamed at the top of his lungs as he beat his chest and tore at his face and hair.

She walked into the room wearing a bath towel and wringing water out of her freshly washed hair gazing at Draco’s hot hot body.

“What is it you’re saying pookie bear?”

“Nothing…” Draco whispered as he walked over to Hermione and lovingly caressed her face.

How beautiful she was, how very beautiful… he thought to himself in agony as he stalked out of the room.

As he was stalking away from their room, Janelle and Cassie were coming around the corner and heard him screaming “WHY! WHY must I marry Pansy?! Oh, the humanity!”

Janelle and Cassie gasped and ducked from his view as he rounded the corner. It was almost like the theme song from Mission Impossible should have been playing in the background as they looked at each other and clasped their hands over their mouths.

“We have to tell Hermione!” Cassie screamed as Janelle shut her hand over Cassie’s mouth.

“I know, she will be heartbroken! I’m going to hate telling her!” Janelle exclaimed.

They looked at each other earnestly for a few moments before they shrugged and said simultaneously “Oh well, what can you do?” and skipped off into Hermione’s room.

As they walked in, Hermione was dousing herself in perfume and Janelle and Cassie stepped back, choking on the fumes.

“How do I look Drakie?” she said seductively as she turned around. “Oh, it’s you. What do you want?”

“Is that any way to greet friends?” they both spat at her.

“No, I’m sorry, I was just wanting to talk to my fiancé, my Drakie poo, my reason for living, my soul, my heart, my lover boy and confidant, my passion-man-“

“We get the picture” Cassie cut in with a look of disgust on her face.

“Anyway, about your boy Draco, he’s engaged to someone else sweetheart.” Janelle added bluntly.

They left the room feeling badly for Hermione but not badly enough that they wanted to miss the pre-ball banquet.

Hermione sank to the ground as if she had just been stabbed in the heart and mortally wounded by their words.

I want to die!!!” she moaned and screamed and kicked out and frothed at the mouth like a mad animal and all that other good stuff.

She was ripping her hair out, sobbing over how she wouldn’t be the one to gaze longingly into those passionate, devilish blue eyes, it would be someone else, and screaming until her face began to turn blue over how she was going to kill herself.

And she did.

Two minutes later Draco walked back into the room and saw her body laying there, a bottle of poison, half-empty, lying on the ground near her.

Draco sighed as he looked at her dead body.

“Oh well” he sighed again as he downed the rest of the poison for himself.

The freaking end.

looneylupin (Cassie) and TomFoolery (Janelle) take a bow and walk out of this terrible story, still giggling fit to burst.