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I'll Never Tell by o0o_MoonyGirl_o0o

Format: Short story
Chapters: 4
Word Count: 5,116
Status: COMPLETED

Rating: 12+
Warnings: Mild Violence,

Genres: Angst
Characters: Harry, Hermione, James, OC, Remus Lupin, Ron, Sirius Black
Pairings:

First Published: 07/26/2004
Last Chapter: 07/28/2004
Last Updated: 05/12/2005

Summary:
It was a night just like any other, except for the fact that it was a full moon. For the marauders, it was going to be fun without barriers. No one knew it would change the way they looked at fun, and Remus, forever.


Chapter 1: The Night it Went too Far
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The Night it Went Too Far


Sirius looked up at the clear sky, anticipation surging through every vein. Tonight was a full moon, and that could only mean one thing, fun. Sirius looked over at Remus, he always looked a bit off-color right before a full moon. Poor Remus. To himself and James it was all just fun and games, Remus actually felt the pain of every transformation. At least now was their time to be rid of Peter. Peter still hadn't figured out how to transform, thank heavens.

It was lunch time and the fifth year Gryffindors still had double Transfiguration before the end of the day. The bell sounded and the four of them got up to go to class.

"So what are we gonna do tonight?" asked Sirius.

James looked up, thinking hard "Why not go to Hogsmead? Lets go scare some villagers."

"Sounds good" said Sirius, looking at Peter who was moping beside him. But he had no sympathy for him, it wasn't their fault he was so dumb.

Class began with the usual dull lecture from Professor McGonagall. Around an hour later a rapping on the door could be heard and everyone turned to see Madam Pomfrey standing in the doorway. Remus took his queue to leave with her.

"See ya later" he whispered to his friends as he got up. Sirius and James both grinned.

The bell rang and everyone got up. Sirius and James both leapt up and ran to their common room to drop off their bags and pick up James' invisibility cloak.

"Where the heck did I put it?" he said to himself as he rummaged through his trunk. "Ah ha" he said as he pulled the long silky cloak from his trunk. "Let's go Sirius."

They quickly left the dormitory and strode quietly out of the common room, going as quickly as they could under the invisibility cloak towards the whomping willow. Sirius picked up a long stick and extended to reach the knot on the tree that froze it.

"The moon isn't out yet" said James looking up at the night sky. "He'll still be normal."

"Good" said Sirius, "I hate transforming in this cramped tunnel."

"Maybe we'll get lucky and Peter'll transform into an elephant or something and won't be able to come with us." James said laughing along with Sirius. "But with our luck he'll probly turn into a rodent or something."

"Yeah" said Sirius, "Or some kind of scavenger, cause thats what he is."

They continued down the long dark tunnel. "Remind me why we keep him around Sirius" said James thoughtfully.

"Cause it's nice to have a little fat kid to pick on around all the time" replied Sirius. They both laughed at this.

Finaly they made it to the end of the tunnel to find their friend sitting on an old moth eaten couch with his hands behind his head, sleeping. James went and sat down beside him and Remus opened his eyes.

"Morning sunshine" said Sirius who was leaning on the wall.

Remus rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, smiling.

"How can you sleep at a time like this?" said James.

"You would too if you were me." replied Remus, running his hand through his neat brown hair.

They sat talking about Quidditch and what to do that night for a while, when the moon suddenly appeared from behind a cloud, bathing them all in a dim light.

Remus bent over double. Sirius put his hand on Remus' shoulder as he fell to his knee's.

"Get....back" he struggled to say, grabbing hold of the table beside him. Sirius and James were both obedient. They knew better than to stay close to Remus when he was transforming, at least in human form. Remus tried to keep the room in focus, tried to keep everything from becoming a blur, he had to, his friend's lives depended on it. He felt something brush up against him, and looked up to see a big black dog sitting beside him, and a stag standing on the other side of the room.

"Aaaarrgghh" Remus felt his spine elongate and his face morph, it hurt so much, he hated it. He concentrated on the faces of his best friends, trying desperately to distract himself from the excruciating pain that filled his entire body.

It was almost too much for James to bear, and he could see that Sirius felt the same way. They watched as Remus let out something between a scream and a yelp. Fur sprouted all over his body and his robes lay in a tattered heap on the floor. They could see the pain in his eyes.

"Keep it together!" Remus thought to himself as he saw his hands shrink into paws. He looked up and the room before him dissolved and he remembered no more.

Chapter 2: In the Light of the Moon
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In the Light of the Moon


Eleanor Trainer sat outside of her home admiring the view from on top of the small hill at the end of Hogsmead village. She looked down at the rows of little houses dimly lit by the rising moon, a full moon, as she noticed. She decided to get up and go for a stroll around the village, it was after all such a beautiful night. She walked down the steep path leading from her front gate and began to wander aimlessly.

As she approached the west end of the village, the forest loomed ever nearer. The leaves of the many trees reflected the light of the full moon gloriously, she thought to herself. But her wandering thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of leaves rustling a little bit closer to her than she would have liked.

"Don't be stupid" she said to herself, "There's no one there." As a child she had always been afraid of silly things such as darkness and monsters. Although there were monsters in the wizarding world, none of them, she reassured herself, currently resided in the dark forest, she hoped. She began to walk away, when the noises from behind her became more pronounced and Eleanor knew that she wasn't being stupid, and that there definitely was something behind her, in the darkness she had only recently overcome her fear of.

"Who's there?" she said faintly, hoping that her husband would jump out and scare her, for he knew that for the longest time she had been afraid of the forest. But it was not he, if only it had been he, so much would be different. Eleanor couldn't take this any more.

So she ran.

She ran as fast as she could, an untamable fear welling up inside her that made her heart beat so fast it hurt. There was a snarling coming from behind her, something had been there, in the forest, and it was chasing her. She wanted to look behind her but something inside of her stopped her. She had reached the bottom of the hill that lead up to her house, but her strength had run out. There was no way she could run up that steep hill without slowing down, and slowing down was not an option. She turned sharply and dashed out into the patch of woods behind her house, it was her last chance, she couldn't run, but she could hide.

She hid in an opening of an old gnarled oak tree, hoping that some how, in some way, whatever was chasing her would pass her by. Her whole body shook with a mixture of anticipation and fear. Tears ran down her face, it was all a dream, she thought to herself, if only it would end, if only this thing would go away. Please please let it go away. She listened as hard as she could for approaching footsteps, but none came.

Silence, maybe it was just her imagination but this silence was so complete there was no way it could possibly be real. Slowly, with baited breath, she peaked around the edge of the tree, to see if she was alone. Her heart nearly stopped.

Two burning yellow eyes peered at her from only a little way away. She prayed that those piercing eyes hadn't seen her, tears flowing even more fiercely down her face. She didn't remember deciding to do it, but she ran. Deeper into the woods.

Her heart beat frantically as if it was trying to escape from her chest. The snarling and grunting from behind her was getting closer. She was sobbing beyond control now. She knew she would never have another chance to hide, but she wouldn't give up. She
was a fighter, she always had been, and she wasn't going to give up now. She could taste the blood in her throat that was throbbing. She didn't know how much longer the fear of the thing behind her would keep her running.

Whatever was behind her let out a low rumbling growl. Eleanor reached a stream that she knew lead to a sewer pipe just big enough for her thin body to squeeze into.

"The drainage pipe!" she said to herself.

It was her last chance. She sprinted, and then suddenly stopped, she turned around so sharply that it cracked her neck. She could have sworn that something had been behind her seconds before. Fear still coursed through her body, weak with tiredness but alert with adrenaline, but now that she wasn't being chased her body didn't have anymore energy to give. It was pitch black now that the moon was blocked by the canopy of the forest, and Eleanor realized that she was a lot farther away from the drainage pipe then she had thought. She began to hobble along the stream, being as quiet as she possibly could. She could just make out a dark hole about twenty feet away. It grew steadily closer, she finally reached it, she was safe at last.

She bent down making sure to mind the small stones at the bottom of the tunnel that would make a terrible amount of noise if she was to trod on one. She knew the echo would carry for ages. She stopped to wonder what exactly it was that was chasing her. Then decided she would rather not know. She supposed it would be best to stay the night in this dark tunnel, mostly out of fear for her life.

Suddenly her attention was jerked away from the thing chasing her. She could see a small light far down the tunnel. She wanted to cry out for joy, every month or so muggles would come to clean the pipe.

"Help!" she yelled, not believing her luck. Then she realized that there was not one light but two.

Eyes.

No, it couldn't be, whatever it had been obviously knew the surrounding area as well if not better than she did. How could she have been so stupid to yell out where she was going. She prayed to anyone who would listen that this mistake would not be her last. The beast at the end of the tunnel pounced.

Eleanor ran but took off too fast. Her foot trod on a moss covered rock near the stream and she slipped.

She lay on her stomach trying desperately to get up when she felt claws dig into her back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius was standing out in the Hogwarts grounds with his friends , his dog ears pricked up, but he didn't need acute hearing to hear what it was that broke the dead silence of the night. A flock of birds took off from the forest near Hogsmead and Sirius jumped slightly at the sound of a high pitched, terrible, blood-curdling scream.

Chapter 3: 14 Years Later
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Note: stuff between two * * * is someone dreaming (the dream is more of a memory cause it actually happened a long time ago).

14 Years Later


Remus Lupin, now 29 years old, slept quietly on board the Hogwarts Express. Yet his dreams were now more troubled then they had been in years. Today his dreams brought him back to his fifth year, one the strangest years he had spent in the beloved castle of Hogwarts.

* * *


"Morning sunshine" said Sirius from across the room of the shrieking shack. Remus was grateful for Sirius waking him up, but said nothing of it. Remus didn't like to be watched while he slept, in case the violent dreams accompanied by being a werewolf set in.

Remus rubbed his eyes, thankful for his two great friends. Then there was Peter, he was just Peter.

To Remus, that night had been like any other, it was the days that followed that made him remember this particular time in his life. He woke up in the Shrieking Shack alone, as always. He found that he had hurt himself last night but couldn't find the wounds. He supposed that whatever he had done last night had left no wounds substantial enough to carry over to his human form. Remus decided to get up and, being that it was a Saturday, go see his friends in the Gryffindor common room. Strangely enough, for Remus anyway, it was the retelling of the events of the previous night that Remus enjoyed the most. Due to the fact that he remembered nothing of his transformations. Remus walked up the last staircase and reached the portrait of the fat lady. He lazily gave the password and stepped through the portrait hole. He found Sirius and James already up, this, Remus thought, was very, very rare.

"Hey guys" Remus had obviously stirred them from a very serious conversation, another oddity. There was no sign of laughter on either face. Remus thought he could almost catch the faintest trace of fear on the faces of his two best friends.
"Morning Remus" said James, sitting back on his chair by the fire, Remus could tell the serious conversation was over.
"Watcha talking about?" Remus casually asked sitting down on the opposite side of the couch Sirius now resided on.
"Nothing much" came both friends' voices.

"So what did we get ourselves into last night?" Remus asked, masking his excitement. Sirius and James laughed at the usual grin that came upon Remus' face when they told him of their adventures of the night before, but this laughter was not of joy. Remus could tell that there was something nervous about the way they laughed and looked briefly at each other.
Sirius looked up slowly at Remus, "Uh... we wandered around fro a while, went and howled right outside the windows of the Slytherin common room, stuff like that. It wasn't the most spectacular night we've ever had, but it was nice to be free again for one night."

Remus found this recount of the previous night strange. "When did I hurt myself?" Remus prompted for answers.
"Uhhh" Sirius quickly looked at James for help.

"We think you might have gotten hurt reentering the Shrieking Shack , when we tried to pass under the Whomping Willow. Sirius was too slow to freeze it" James looks down at his feet but decided to continue talking "we all got pretty badly banged up."

But Remus saw no sign of any injuries on either of them, but decided to leave the subject untouched for now. They made their way down for an unusually early breakfast, but no one seemed to mind. Remus sat down opposite James and Sirius, who were both rather quiet now that Remus paid attention. He pulled a platter of eggs and bacon towards him, served himself, and began to eat. Sirius and James quietly followed suit. Sirius, within minutes was commenting, as usual, on Remus' 'over healthy' diet. Not that Sirius didn't eat quite a bit himself. What did it matter if he could put away as much as Peter, and sometimes more? Remus was on his second helping of eggs when the post arrived. Sirius and James automatically started to frantically scour the front pages and only when they had looked through the entire paper did they emerge looking rather relieved.

"What is up with you two?" he finally asked, no longer being able to suppress his curiosity.

"You've been with us all morning Moony" said James, now concentrating more on his second helping of breakfast.

"You guys aren't yourselves."

"Yes we are" said Sirius lightly.

"You're hiding something" Remus said slyly, "I'm not stupid."

"Well that's a matter of opinion" Sirius shot back. James looked at Sirius menacingly.

"Whatever" Remus got up and walked off.

For a long time this peculiar behavior continued, but Remus never found out why.


* * *


Remus jerked awake, but for a moment thought he was still dreaming. He opened his eyes and looked beside him to find the source of the sound that had woken him. He had heard yelling. Looking around he saw he was now sharing a compartment with four students. All of whom were looking up at the compartment door, Remus looked up to see the tall Dementor standing before him. He got up and made the dementor move off with a patronus charm. He then sat back down, but was startled to see the boy sitting beside him. For one moment, for one dazzling moment, he had thought he was once again sitting beside James. Then he realized he was not sharing a compartment with James Potter, but Harry Potter. He had fainted from the shock of the Dementor ordeal, but when he had revived him, Remus saw that Harry's eyes belonged not to James, but Lily.

Remus then turned to the other students in the compartment. "Hello" he said brightly.

"What was that!?!" a red haired boy exclaimed.

"It was a dementor" Remus told him "One of the guards of Azkaban is searching the train for Sirius Black." Saying that name brought pain to him but he had learned to hide it well.

"My name is Remus Lupin, and as you've probably guessed I will be your new defense against the dark arts teacher."
"Hello" said a bright girl with bushy brown hair. "I'm Hermione Granger, this is Ron" she said waving a hand towards the red headed boy beside her.

"I see." Remus replied. "And who are you?" he was speaking to another girl in the compartment, the only one it seemed, who had been brave enough to sit beside him.

"Kate" she said shyly, looking down at her feet.

"No need to ask your name" he said, smiling at Harry.

The train came to a halt and they all got up.

Remus went into the great all and was in heaven walking back into that old castle once again, though he wished he could have done it with his friends beside him. He got to the staff table to be stunned by what he saw. There, at the end of the table, was Severus Snape. "Great, he thought to himself, just the person I need to see again." he thought to himself, wishing Sirius and James were there to help him keep Snape in check. Remus did however get a chance to take revenge on Snape for all of their years at school, he taught a third year to force a boggart to form Snape in an old women's clothes. A stroke of genius he thought to himself.

The first month went smoothly, besides his transformation, which was now less dangerous due to the wolfsbane potion. He enjoyed spending time with Harry and his friends. Though, he noticed something in Kate that he did not see in the others.
Something he almost saw in himself, but he couldn't figure out what exactly it was. They all got along, but Kate seemed somehow detached, separated by some invisible barrier, but he wisely kept that thought to himself.

Later in the year Remus found that Harry had somehow come to own the Marauders Map, something that he had completely forgotten about. In early June the Marauders Map showed him something he hadn't ever contemplated seeing. The map showed Peter Pettigrew scampering around the third floor. This lead to him following him out to the Shrieking Shack. Remus walked in to find Harry and his friends with Sirius. Remus did a double take at the sight of his old friend.

"Remus" he said, looking up at his old friend "You know why I'm hear, you know who I'm after"

"Yes" Remus looked over at Ron to the quivering lump in his pocket. The others misread the situation defending Ron. Hermione it seemed was furious with Remus.

"I trusted you!" she yelled at him, "I kept your secret, and your his friend!" she pointed in Sirius' direction.

"Listen" Remus tried desperately to calm her down before she let anything slip, he had a feeling she knew what he was. "It's not what you think I -"

"NO" Hermione screamed, she then turned to her friends, "He's been helping him get in! He's been his friend all along, he's a werewolf!"

Remus hung his head, cursing himself for letting his secret be that obvious. Remus desperately tried to explain that Sirius was innocent, but had to admit to them he was a werewolf. That's when Snape entered the fray. Harry then managed to stun him, not exactly how Remus had wanted that situation to end. They finally managed to convince Ron of Peter's true identity, and for the second time that night, Remus came face to face with an old friend, but this time it wasn't so pleasant. He begged and pleaded for his life, and Harry gave him his wish. Peter was to be taken to the Dementors. They all then made their way back up to the castle, they got out of the Shreiking Shack to be bathed in moonlight. "NO" Remus thought to himself, how could he have...been....so...stupid!!! It was the full moon tonight, and worst of all he hadn't remembered to take the potion. The pain ripped through him, it was nearly unbearable. He looked up to see the terrified faces staring back at him. Kate, it appeared, had ran back into the Shrieking Shack in fear of him.

Sirius looked around, where had Kate gone, then he saw, the end of a cloak swished out of site. Good, she was safe, now there were only three to keep away from Remus. Snape could take care of himself, or maybe he would get lucky and Snape would get bit, but he didn't want Remus to be in trouble.

Remus turned and ran towards the Shrieking Shack, Sirius ran to hurry the others up to the castle with Peter. His attention was suddenly brought back to Lupin when a horrible scream came from inside the Shrieking Shack. Kate! Sirius turned and dashed into the shack as fast as he could. He entered the room they had previously been in, but it was only Remus. Thinking quickly Sirius transformed back into a human and locked the door and jammed it shut. Sirius returned outside to find Harry, Ron, and Hermione by themselves.

"Where's Peter?" Sirius demanded, looking at Harry he saw he had what looked to be a broken arm.
"He...he escaped. I'm sorry." Harry said, wincing in pain.

The next morning Remus entered the school to find Harry, Ron and Hermione. "Did Sirius let you out?" Harry asked before Remus had had the chance to even speak.

"What are you talking about, let me out of where?" Remus had no idea what Harry what he was talking about.
"He told us that he locked you in the Shrieking Shack" said Hermione.

"I woke up in the forest."

"We better go see Sirius and ask him then" said Harry.

So the four of them went down to where the Whomping Willow was and made their way down the tunnel to the shack. Sirius was there. Harry, Ron and Hermione came in first, closely followed by Lupin. Sirius looked up wide-eyed at Lupin.
"But- what? You?" Sirius mumbled, pointing at Lupin then at the door.

"What, Sirius?" said Lupin.

"If you're in here, then who the heck is in there?" Sirius asked.

"No one I guess." replied Lupin, but then a small noise came from the inside of the room.

"What the-"

Sirius carefully unblocked the door and opened it slowly and quietly. The others stood back. Sirius opened the door wide enough to completely see in and nearly fell back in surprise at who he saw laying fully clothed on the floor.

Chapter 4: I'm Sorry Remus, but It's All Your Fault
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I'm Sorry Remus, but It's All Your Fault


"What, who is it?" they all yelled at Sirius who’s large body was pretty much completely blocking the doorway. Sirius took a step inside. They filed in to find a thin girl lying on the floor. A thin girl they knew. It was Kate. She quickly got up at the sound of them entering, looking scared.

"Kate" Lupin said softly, "How?"

"Why didn't you tell us you were a werewolf?" said Hermione in a soothing tone, "We would have understood."

At this Kate dropped down on the sofa behind her, silent tears spilling down her face. "I couldn't" she said softly, "No one ever understands."

"But nobody knows" said Ron.

"My father knows" she replies with a scowl not aimed at Ron, "and he hated me for it."

They just couldn't understand how she had hidden it so well, even better than Lupin, and it was Lupin who was most amazed and even kind of impressed by this. Hermione went and sat down beside her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"When were you bitten?" Lupin asked in a concerned tone of voice.

"I wasn't" she said shortly. Now they were all confused.

"What do you mean?" asked Sirius.

"My mother was a werewolf, she was bitten before I was born." she said, the tears that had momentarily stopped now flowed again. She was staring fixedly at the floor. Remus looked deep into her eyes. In them he saw the pain of lack of control, a pain he knew all too well. She brushed her long dark hair behind her ears. At this Sirius became interested.

"Where do you live?" he asked.

"In London, but she lived in Hogsmead when she was bitten." she was now looking up at Sirius, whose face lit up with interest, and something that almost resembled fear.

"How long ago?" he asked.

Kate thought for a moment, "Nearly fifteen years ago I suppose." her tears stopped, but she still looked very sad.
Remus looked up at Sirius, and gave him a look to tell him to stop asking such painful questions, better yet, stop asking questions completely. Sirius never caught his look though yet no more questions came. Sirius put his face in his hands.

"So you were born a werewolf?" Lupin asked again in that concerned tone.

"No" Kate replied, "I started showing signs of abnormality when I was about ten" she said "My mother thought I wasn't going to be accepted, but the letter came, I was so happy." At the mention of her mother, she began to cry silently again.

"So your mother helped you through it all then?" Lupin asked.

"She tried" Lupin had a puzzled look on his face, "my mother passed away shortly after I started showing signs of being a werewolf." she was trying very hard not to burst out sobbing, "the healers said her body couldn't handle it anymore."

At this Lupin stopped asking questions. Now Sirius picked up again, but his next question wasn't aimed at Kate.

"Remus?" he asked with a very pained expression on his face, "Do you remember that time in our fifth year when we had that little disagreement the day after a transformation?"

"Yes" he replied, it was still fresh in his memory from dreaming about it.

"I should have told you this a long time ago, if I would have, things may have turned out differently."

"What?" Lupin asked, looking alarmed.

"That night when you transformed, we did go try our best to scare the Slytherins, that, I wasn't lying about. But that wasn't all we did. We were heading to the lake, I don't remember why, but me and James started to play fight. That was when we lost track of you." Lupins eyes widened, but Sirius continued "I looked up and you were gone, we searched for nearly an hour, we were starting to panic, then..." Sirius hesitated,

"Then what?" Lupin looked fearful of what Sirius was about to say next.

"We heard a scream, this terrible scream." Lupin nearly fell off the couch, "We went towards it and... and found you." Sirius looked at his friend apologetically.

"But, but no one was ever reported hurt" said Lupin, trying desperately to find a way out of this situation. "It couldn't have been m-"

"Remus" Sirius cut him off in mid-sentence, "You were always the smart one, do the math. Our fifth year, Remus, that was just over fourteen years ago."

Lupin looked up at him as realization dawned upon him. He looked at Kate and then put his face into his shaking hands. Kate didn't look angry, but understanding. After a moment Lupin looked up again, he looked right at Kate. "I'm so sorry" he said, hugging her, and to his surprise, she didn't pull away. "It's all my fault, your mother..." he trailed off.

"It's OK, what's done is done." she looked at him with a pained expression. "I don't blame you."

"You know it's my fault." he said shakily.

"And I also know what it's like to lose control." She got up from the couch, once again tears leaked down her cheeks. "I know what it's like to wake up not knowing what I've done, and pray that I haven't hurt anyone." She cried even harder, and at this point she was almost yelling at Lupin, who sat frozen on the couch. "I know what it's like to feel alone, separated, different." At this point Lupin got up and once again pulled her into an embrace. This time she cried openly into his shoulder.

This was a turning point in both Kate Trainer's, and Remus Lupin's lives. Never again, did either ever feel alone.

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