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REJECTED: Confessions from Pigzits School of Witcraft & Wizardry by Rudolf Tubb

Format: One-shot
Chapters: 3
Word Count: 1,222

Rating: 12+

Genres: Humor

First Published: 09/09/2020
Last Chapter: 09/16/2020
Last Updated: 09/18/2020


Rudolphus Tubb begins his underwhelming journey at Pigzits School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This is his journal.

Chapter 1: Rudolf Tubb: My Mediocre Beginning
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If you’re reading this...then I’m probably dead...


Just kidding. Thought that would be a dramatic way to start this first entry but I already regret it. My name is Rudolphus Tubb. Mostly people call me Rudolph. Like my Grandfather who you probably haven’t heard of. In fact, you probably haven’t heard of anyone in my family. Because we haven’t done anything noteworthy for the magical community...or any community for that matter.


My mother told me to keep a journal. To document my journey here. For the future or deal with my anxiety or something. I just arrived at the Pigzits School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. Haven’t heard of it? Probably because nobody really likes to acknowledge it. It’s not exactly an honor to go here. It’s like the armpit of magical education. We’re the kids who weren’t good enough to get into the other school you probably know. Or maybe they just didn't know what to do with us. Or maybe our last name is Tubb. Whatever the reason, we’re the rejected witches and wizards.


Nobody famous or infamous ever went here. No chosen ones. No evil wizards ever tried to take over. Nobody ever wrote a seven-book-series chronicling the adventures of...anyone who ever went here. To be completely honest, if anyone ever wouldn’t read it because it would suck.


Everyone in my family went here so I didn’t have much choice. All the Tubbs going back to the foundation of the school hundreds of years ago. And now it’s my turn to leave my mark. Like the rest of my life, I assume it won't be particularly interesting. Just seven years But who knows? Anything is possible (I doubt it).


Time to settle in and unpack my trunk. My armadillo just vomited all over the bedspread and my roommate just sat on my wand. Pretty sure it’s broken.




Rudolphus Tubb

Chapter 2: Rudolf Tubb: Pigzits so Far
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Dear Journal, 

Dear Self, 

Dear Me, 

Dear Rudolph, 


Sorry about that. Not sure how this is supposed to work. Whatever. 


I wanted to share a little about my journey here. Getting sorted into my house. And how classes are going so far. 


Even muggles know about the Hogwarts Express. You jump into a brick wall at platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross Station and the next thing you know you're whisked away on this luxury train chugging across the English countryside. They serve magical candy. 


That was not my experience. We rode a public bus. It smelled like feet. We were the last stop on a ten-hour route. It broke down twice so we were late and then missed dinner.


But we made it in time to be sorted into our Pigzits houses. Mom and Dad were Plungadors so I was secretly hoping that the Random Drawing Box would pick that. It's exactly how it sounds. We have a wooden box and the teachers write down the names of the houses on little index cards and then we just reach in and pick one out.  


A quick bit about the houses.


PLUNGADOR: Known for their industriousness. Their founder was a plumber who worked long hours and who died on a toilet in his fifties. Their symbol is the sometimes magical plunger. They said it could unclog any toilet. Sometimes it did. Others it did the opposite.


JUSTASTICK: Known for acting fancier than they should. Their symbol is a stick. Not a wand. Just a stick. A normal stick. Their founder saw an important wizard (who did not attend this school) pick up a stick to scratch his back. Or so the legend goes.


WORMULOUS & FISHINGTON: Known for being basically useless. Their symbols are a dead fish and a worm. The story of their founders is that they went on a fishing trip and caught a really big fish and ate it. Then they both turned into fish for three days. One claimed that the fish was magic. The other said it was the bait. We’re not really sure either way but they’ve been rivals ever since.


I walked up to the Random Drawing Box and pulled out Plungador so there you go. Hurray for me.


Classes have been going okay so far. Since we're an unaccredited school that can't afford decent insurance, the Ministry has given us limited access to learning actual magic. They say we might get to do some stuff in year five but I'm not holding my breath.


Here is a list of my first semester classes:


Practical Unemployment

Magical Mediocrity: A History of Pigzits 

Fun with a Broom (without flying)

Maybe Just Don't: Solid Reasons Not to Use Magic

Better Wizards Than You

Sunrise Yoga

Magical Ointments You Can’t Eat & Which Only Work on Scraped Knees


The teachers mostly seem nice. Except for Professor UrurururUrururururur. We have to bring a fish for him every morning and it's already getting old. He teaches Sunrise Yoga and screams everything in dolphin.


It's really shrill and we have no idea what he's saying so we just follow his movements but that's hard to do since he's a literal dolphin. In all honesty it probably looks like a bunch of students flapping facedown on the lawn for an hour. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but I'm allergic to grass. The infirmary says the facial swelling should go down in a few months.


Anyways it's getting late and I have Yoga in the morning. Oh. Awesome. My armadillo just ate my fish for class. Now I'll have to spend my night finding another one. 




Rudolphus Tubb

Chapter 3: Rudolf Tubb: They Turned Me into a Turnip
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They say it’s always darkest before the dawn.


Whoever said that clearly hasn’t been to Pigzits or ever been turned into a turnip for a week. When you’re a turnip with no eyes for a whole week it’s really dark.


On Monday my teacher accidentally turned me into a turnip. He didn’t know how to change me back. Neither did any of the other teachers. This sort of thing happens frequently at Pigzits so nobody was too alarmed. It wasn’t my first time being transformed into a root vegetable and it probably won’t be the last.


The magic wore off throughout the week and I gradually turned back into myself. Starting with my toes and working up. The top of my head is still a turnip but at least now I can see.


Rudolph, if you’re reading this in the future just remember...give it a week and things always get better. Unless they don’t.


I'm hoping this weekend will cheer me up. They booked Norbert Babbage to come give us an inspirational speech. He’s the 4th best Harry Potter impersonator and a Pigzits alumnus. They say he does real magic so that should be cool. His patronus is a walrus.


Maybe next week will be better? Hang in there, buddy. If you don't choke on a biscuit or you're not horribly killed by a Vapid Barbasoot, you’ve got seven more years of this. Until next time.




Rudolphus Tubb